Once, a lady asked me how she could cope. Somehow, she was caught in this corporate-cattiness/ gossip that can exist in work places. Anyway, she was losing a lot of sleep over it, and decided to share. But then, she did something interesting – she personalized the question and asked me how I coped, being in entertainment and being in a position where one could slander another maliciously, and get away with it.
Well, these are my sincere opinions. First of all, one has to be tremendously arrogant, or extremely naive to believe that every person one has ever met in this life, likes (or must like) one. Should you feel that you are an exception to this rule – kindly imagine this next scenario.
Imagine that you are being considered for a position of great importance, and that the powers-that-be decide to find out what people think of you from every human being you have ever come in contact with since you were born. And so they send out these questionnaires to everyone you have ever known/anyone who has ever known you – old friends, new friends, family, rivals, room-mates, teachers, colleagues, employers, employees, religious-leader, neighbors, classmates, and even the cashiers at the stores you frequent.
Imagine everyone of these people could write what they really felt about you as anonymous… Do you still think everyone will give you glowing reviews or write something that will help you get that job?
Hian! E go shock you na.
Again, it is only the highest of arrogance/naivete that will make you believe everyone likes you. Don’t be naive. Jesus sef was fiercely disliked yet still highly loved. Not everybody “should” like you. It is not by force. A.K.A Don’t be dreaming Cinderella dreams on a bicycle. E no dey pay.
When you understand and accept this simple fact, you can now relax and change your belief about yourself… for it is only AFTER you change your belief that your behavior will change.
The second thing one should do is consider the ratio of your sincere likers and sincere dislikers. (biko, no vex for my new English). If out of ten people, nine have something unpleasant to say about you, then nne, you are the problem. And no, it is not okay to say, “Afterall, not everybody liked Jesus…” or, “Don’t mind them, they ALL just jealous, they just don’t get my brand of awesomeness, yadi yadi, yada…”
TAHHHHH! Eeez not okay. Thou art the problem. Everybody can not be wrong. I am not a preacher, so I will not say with bellowing bells and stomping feet, “Change, change – so that people will like you!” or, “Change, change, changeeeeee! For the kingdom of God is at hand!”
Eh-eh. Bia, I cannot fit to shout. Pesin wey dey do bad tin know say wetin e do no good.
If you like, change, if you like… don’t change. Your life, your choice, your consequence, your legacy. Yours. No vex, but every mallam with im kettle.
Thirdly, it is helpful to understand that what is bad to you, may not be “bad” to someone else. Good and bad… Highly subjective. Everyone has their influences and experiences that has shaped who they are, their model of the world and how they act towards other people. Understand this, and you understand that people’s actions towards you is not ALWAYS about YOU.
Someone might treat you a certain way you find distasteful. They may not know, or they might know and not care (who knows, making you feel bad might make them feel good). By all means, hold them accountable, but also hold yourself accountable. People will only give you the level of sh*t you continue to accept. This brings us to the fourth point…
Don’t be an enabler. Stop jonzing on a bicycle – trying to form “I am a good person. I treat them well even though they treat me badly. I don’t gossip about them but they gossip about me. I think I can fix/change them with my love.” Yimnu. Well done o, Aunty and Broda. E ku ise messiah. Eku change. Go on soun. Nothing do you.
If you really mean business, you will change that environment instead of exhausting yourself trying to change others who have no interest in changing FOR YOU. And look at it from their point of view- why should they? It’s who they are. It is all that they know. Everybody in this world get their own brand of skoin–skoin. The trick is to find people whose brand of skoin–skoin is similar and harmonious to yours.
People like to gossip – you say you don’t gossip, so what are you doing there? You live on the mainland, but you insist on following Islanders who think people who live on the mainland are beneath them. But, there are many people who live on the island who don’t care where you live, but noooooooooooo… It’s the ones who belittle you you cling to. Well done. Power to you.
Perhaps you’ve been married for many years with only a daughter, and you’ve been struggling to have another child but your “friends” have many, many sons and they keep making you feel inferior or that your marriage is not as “strong” as theirs. You stay there and smile. They are snide, catty, condescending and mocking, AND YOU ARE STILL THERE?! You have decided it’s your destiny to “kill them with love,” with the hope that they will someday treat you with respect. Okay. Beta well-done to you. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Surely, there are a few more compassionate/tolerant people who don’t care that you have just that “one” child. Find yourself some of those.
Imagine if you stop putting yourself in currents that flow against your natural rhythm. The world would not end. (By currents I mean the summation of a people’s beliefs and behaviors). Find yourself that river (friends/alliances/groups) that flows in harmony to your rhythm. Associations that reinforce your positive social behaviors. Apply this in everything. Your work, your friendships, your relationships.
I find it amazing that many confuse being an enabler with being “good”/”nice”. A person who continues to chop sh*t is not a better human being than another who refuses to chop any sh*t. It just means you chop sh*t. Simple as A-B-C.
I think enablers need to understand that many people love to receive love/respect but seem to think that just because you love them, it’s okay for them to continually act badly/disrespect/take advantage of you. After all, you love them so you will overlook it and move on. Not only that, they will disrespect you so thoroughly, but will be the first to play the victim card and cry foul when you stop enabling them.
Na wa o. I don’t know when love became “penance”. After all has been said and done, it is easy to say, “please forgive me, you are the best thing that ever happened to me…” But if you were to ask yourself, “Are you the best thing that ever happened to me?” And you cannot say “YES” without doubt/hesitation. Please keep it moving. Love ko, malu ni.
THIS is my anti-enabler philosophy.
Enjoy your Tuesday my lovelies! And please share your anti-enabler philosophy with us!