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Moses Obroku: Once is Enough

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I was going to write about another matter for this post, when an ominous situation recurred yet again to a close relative recently. Married for about five years now with kids, this relative who is in her late 30s, slight built, an urban woman with her hard earned Master’s degree is in an abusive marriage. And you can take your pick on the extent of the abuse- physical, emotional, psychological and even financial (she has not been able to go back to work since the kids came rapidly and the man doesn’t want a house help) are all heaped on her by her husband.

From what we gathered barely five weeks ago (after one of such many battering), this violent behavior from her husband had been ongoing for some time now and all the immediate neighbours and people in adjoining buildings where they live know about it. Apparently, she had not wished to bring it to the knowledge of the family, but would rather put up that ‘things are looking up’ front during family gatherings until a neighbour got hold of the number of another family member and put through a ‘save -your -sister’ call.

The family reaction was swift. We had a meeting with her and after hearing all the shocking obnoxious details of the extent of the abuse, proposed a separation from this abusive husband as an immediate solution so that she would not be maimed or killed. You see, our thinking was that the separation may also help her get back her life together. She was invited to return to the comfortable family home in Lagos, where her retired parents are very much available and even promised to help her look after the kids (that is if the man doesn’t make a heavy weather of their temporary custody); as well as provide additional support so that she can have the much desired freedom to job hunt once more.

Furthermore, the separation was supposed to afford her and Mr. Abusive husband time-out to reconsider if they still wish to remain married, and possibly go through counselling together while the abuser takes anger management sessions and be made to make all manner of undertakings to heaven and back. In short, it is hoped that when the marriage is eventually revamped, varying terms and conditions will apply as definite guide to its continuity especially to safeguard her from future abuse.My relative left that meeting with a promise to temporarily relocate from her abuser the next day or two, while we assured her the call was ultimately hers, as no one would go and drag her away from that environment.

So what can possibly justify getting violent with your spouse? I hear some people try to explain it away. And some victims understand perfectly the reasons adduced. ‘He has anger problems, but he is very caring’ really? ‘I provoked him’, ‘slapping her is the only corrective language she understands’; ‘the make-up sex is very effective’. Forgive me but my intelligence fails me to understand these reasons or any other one a wife (or other female) beater may wish to provide. In my opinion, it is the lowest level masculinity can sink to, and makes the strength and very essence of being a man regrettable. How can you move in on the very individual you were meant to protect and use your strength to assist with some heavy duty domestic chores?

And I wish ladies can read the signs from a potential abuser early enough. The anger mismanagement and beatings don’t just show up in the marriage. There were preliminary signs he must have exhibited while courting, a slap in the middle of a heated argument that you forgave after he begged you with his dead mother and all the saints. (Please what is that thing that makes ladies give second, third and indeed one hundred chances?) That first slap is usually an introduction of similar things to come- beatings, whippings and even knives! Do we remember the sad, brutal killing of Titilayo Arowolo, by her convicted husband who was shown on TV weeping and speaking in tongues when death sentence was also handed down to him?

If it is not cowardice or other deep seated psychological disorder, why can’t these wife/female beaters direct their anger and strength to a violent sport like boxing and get paid beating people up like Floyd Mayweather? Or go join the army and fight Boko Haram? Oh and I hear some ladies also slap their partners sometimes too when they are gravely provoked; (you know that strike across the eyes that can draw blood from long finger nails) hmmm, wife, sister, boss, old, young, male, female, transgender, pastor, priest, president or indeed any other human being of any description. Please no one should hit me o. I have kuku said my own.

So how many times would someone beat you up in a relationship before you bounce? Till you get maimed, or killed? Call me extreme, but honestly, I think once is enough. I haven’t seen any marriage vow that has a clause that says ‘I may beat you up from time to time when I am out of control’. When it happens, that is the right time to run or get to the root of the matter to ensure he/she doesn’t try it again. The way I see it, it is better to be alive and well, alone, unmarried or separated than to be disfigured or killed.

As for my relative, she did not leave her husband the next day or two as she promised at that ‘save- our -sister’ meeting. She attempted to give it ‘one more chance’ hoping like all victims of domestic violence that the abuser will change. Barely five weeks later, her husband changed slightly; for worse. The beating he gave her on Saturday May 23, 2015 almost resulted in partial paralysis. In just over one month she had been hammered severely twice. Of course the matter is with the police, and frankly, I am convinced she got the memo now.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Felix Mizioznikov

Aside from being a lawyer, migration management expert, security personnel and fitness buff; there are many other sides to me. I am also a self -proclaimed foodie (and oh yes, to complement that, I can cook!). Of course, writing is my passion and I have a mission to inspire my world, one person at a time. I can be reached on [email protected] Instagram: @mosesobroku

70 Comments

  1. Dp

    June 4, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    Good write up, the problem is that we are in a very very complex society, cos i cant understand how people will give excuse for any sort of violence. Please do bear it in mind that now adays a whole lot of men are going through all sort of abuse from their spouse.

    For the women even if she wants to leave it is the same family members that will begin to say you are not praying enough, a woman should not leave her husband for any reason, and all sort of excuse. Really I don tire for the matter ohhhh.

  2. B

    June 4, 2015 at 4:59 pm

    Lord have mercy! SCARY stuff! even my Pastor has advised many times that a wife seperate from her abusive husband, leave him alone to deal with his demons or work on his anger issues, when he has healed y’all can come back. Us single ladies need to shine our eyes oooo! Lord help us!

  3. tunmi

    June 4, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    I like your writing style, it’s succinct and factual. I hope she gets the memo this time

  4. uche

    June 4, 2015 at 5:12 pm

    No reason is good enough to stay in an abusive relationship!!!! I am a survivor of domestic violence and i counsel women (and in some instances) men. It isn’t worth it. If you meet your untimely death in the process, all the reasons won’t make sense anymore!!!

  5. Confused

    June 4, 2015 at 5:19 pm

    Wow.
    You know i have always and always kicked against abuse in a relationship. Buh today i suffer abusive in my own home and i cant say it. I cant tell anyone about it. Atleast not now i will say. Last year March he beat me so bad that i had to report a group where he was seriously cautioned never to ever do it again and he promised all in the name of i cheated on him(with no proof of cause)except for a BBM chat he saw between myself and the guy which wasnt nothing i will say.(I accepted the fault)he apologised and we moved on. This year just last week he beat me again because he saw a chat between myself and another guy(which to me if i think the chat was bad i would have deleted it immediately)buh i didnt i just left it. He saw it and to him it was cheating. I got the beating of my life. I am being abused emotionally,and otherwise buh i cant complain now as we just had a civil union last december. What do i tell myself if i leave and moreover its my fault too right? I kept the chat buh that doesnt mean i am cheating. I have never had any cause to wanna sleep with another man except him for 2 years plus now. And this is what i get beating for cheating (on a BBM chat). Today he doesnt sleep with me in same room in the name of he is still angry he comes home late he doesnt call to check on me and all i just feel left out and all that.
    Dunno why i am writing this buh i get i am confused and see it like i didnt know it was gonna be like this. Women are suffering.

    • sorry

      June 4, 2015 at 6:15 pm

      You are very brave to write your story whether anonymous or not. One problem as woman is we regard the man as head of the family and that is fine if he is doing all that is right and just. But as you said he is beating you and leaving you out as if you’re a friend he no longer wants to play with. He is being childish and it will never be ok for him to beat you, only YOU are making excuses for him and only you can stop that. If you really can’t separate now, which is a good idea then tell a friend you can trust or indeed family who can keep an eye out and intervene if things get too bad and by the way getting the beating of your life sounds like its already bad. No one should ever go through that, what do you think it will be next time? Nice one from the author, always good to keep bringing light to this issue.

    • Mimiashley

      June 4, 2015 at 6:17 pm

      I’m really sorry to burst ur bubble but you are in an abusive relationship,it won’t get better it will get worse,get out while u can and let ur family know what’s going on,my dear dead bodies don’t talk……

    • Prime Babe

      June 4, 2015 at 6:21 pm

      I will not ask you to leave… I will only tell you to let your inner voice (your spirit, that one-off voice that brooks no argument) lead you. I left a relationship in January where I was being verbally abused….as I discovered that even though the scars weren’t showing, I was slowly becoming someone I didn’t recognize (low self esteem, confidence in the dust, etc). It creeps up on you and you wonder who now bears your name because it sure aint you….I am much better now but I can only say It is because I decided to be strong for me and leave……and I didnt announce it. I just walked. Now not everyone can do that, but I already decided from my previous relationship (only dated one person before him) what would be a deal breaker and that helped. So Sisteh, let your inner voice lead you

    • Dee

      June 5, 2015 at 2:11 pm

      That there ( emotional and verbal abuse) to me is the worst form of abuse. at least with the physical abuse, someone will see it and help (even when you say that the black eye you have is as a result of the door jumpng off it’s hinges and smacking you in the face, dumb door. smh). the emotional and verbal abuse sytematically breaks you down (soul and spirit) until there’s nothing left. and if you are brave enough to tell people, most will not understand. what you’ll hear is “does he beat you? does he bring women to your home? does he provide for you and the kids? isn’t he the one who just bought you the latest phone and car? your chanel bag and loubs, they are original, aren’t they? all those trips around the world on his dime” and you are left there feeling like you are the worst person on earth to even think of besmirching the image of this wonderful son of Adam.
      you never ever think it can happen to you until it does. one day, you wake up to find that you dont know this person staring back at you when you look in the mirror.

    • Lois

      June 4, 2015 at 9:30 pm

      Dear confused Lady, you have to take a deep breath and evaluate your marriage. Your husband has beat you twice now for the same reason-being suspect of cheating because he saw BBM chats. Kindly share those messages to an older woman whom you respect so much so as to hear her opinion. It is wrong on all grounds for him to hit you but it seems you fan the embers of the abuse you get in your home. No man wants to even imagine he shares his wife with other men…it is hard to come across and that it even exists. You have major trust issues with your husband and from your part, it seems you have not proven your man wrong, not just yet. The best decision will be taken by you only if you tell yourself the truth. Your happiness is up to you, don’t be afraid to take it. I pray you heal, I pray you find comfort, peace and love.

    • Takeseveralseats

      June 5, 2015 at 10:31 am

      Kini Itunmo rubbish ton write yii????

    • tunmi

      June 5, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      I meant to reply and click loved. What nonsense is this? You just blamed her for her husband abusing her. You are such a horrible human being. I don’t care if you are a woman or man, you are just spiteful. It is people like you who would tell abuse victims to stay till they die.

      “It is wrong on all grounds for him to hit you but it seems you fan the embers of the abuse you get in your home” Nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, warrants being subjected to abuse. Messages or no messages, a spouse should never put his/her hands on someone he/she loves.

    • natu

      June 6, 2015 at 1:58 pm

      Are you seriously blaming g her? She is the victims!!!!! Stop spewing such venom!!! How dare you!!

    • natu

      June 6, 2015 at 2:01 pm

      Are you seriously blaming the lady? She is the victim!! Stop spewing such venom. She is the victim!!!

    • D

      June 4, 2015 at 10:32 pm

      @ confused, we buried my elder sister last july, I do not believe he actually raised his hands on my sister but the emotional and other abuse she went through put my sister 6 feet under at 34 years of age, so I will not be diplomatic about it….RUNNNNNN!!!! whether you had civil union 5 minutes ago or 50 years ago is no reason to stay in an abusive relationship…my dear, your life is worth more than than 5 minutes spent signing a piece of paper in the name of civil union. So although no one can force you out but do not let death be the one to take you out. by force. There should be no cause for confusion, RUNNNNNNNNN for your life!!!! Simple, my siblings and I tried to safe my sister but my parents refused to step in because they said physical abuse was not going on “actual beatings” (but what do you call when a man has you working all day and night, sits at home with the car, you are paying for, while you take the bus all day, yet you come home and still have to take care of the kid, clean house and cook for him while he watches Jerry Springer and then he tells you egg tastes like sand after all of that) was not going on, now they regret it and my mum leaves with that guilt till today. So my dear runnnn!!!!

    • D

      June 4, 2015 at 10:39 pm

      *****lives*******

    • gia

      June 5, 2015 at 12:24 pm

      I really can’t understand how so many nigerian women accept this kind of behaviour like it’s nothing…even when their female children lives are at stake….i really can’t…

    • Isee

      June 5, 2015 at 12:44 am

      Run and don’t look back! I grew up in an abusing home and to this day I still wonder if my mother loved her home furnishings and all the worldly stuff more than protecting me and looking out for my welfare. It will mess up your children up, they will be maladjusted for life, as it is messing you up just the same. To this day I do not trust men, and I am very women focused because of my early experiences, almost militant sometimes. Nope, I will never advocate for working things out, praying, going to counseling and all of that because people change IF they want to, not because of outside encouragement. You think you are untouched by it, but psychologically after years of abuse you will not even know who you are, you will be beaten until you become an empty vessel, just the shell of a human body walking around, completely empty on the inside.. No amount of lovely things or easy, cushy living is worth your dignity and self-respect. Run, like a thief in the night, tell no man and go your way, when you are safe you can file your divorce. But document it, tell people you are being abused, take pictures of the scars and file a police report so it is on file. This is not something you keep secret, because when you leave he will tell lies on you and without those documents people will not believe. If you have a scar take a picture right now with your cellphone and send it to someone you can trust, send it to your email address. When he starts getting verbally abusive record him discreetly on your cellphone, gather every evidence you can, store it and back it up too.

    • Queenrichlove

      June 5, 2015 at 2:41 am

      I’m assuming you are only 6 months into the marriage.
      did he use to beat you before the marriage?
      From my point of view it sounds like he is up to something outside the home and is just using your txt messages as an excuse to go about doing whatever he wants.
      I would like to encourage you to stand up for yourself. there is nothing manly about a man who beats up a woman. you’re not his daughter you are his wife.

      Dust yourself off, build up your confidence and thin carefully about how to address this situation
      I suggest you both speak with some you mutually respect so you can get to the bottom of everything. you dont want to die at his hand.

      you sound like a lovely person. please seek help as soon as possible and stop being confused. you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Your husband should be the one embarrassed for laying his hands on you.

    • mrs independent

      June 5, 2015 at 9:23 am

      hi dear, i have never commented on a social media story before but i just have to do this, because i heard your story and i just have to say something because i have been there. read the signs run for your life, take the decision and save your life while you can, not minding what the society says no man has the right to abuse a lady whether physically, emotionally, spiritually or otherwise etc. i just left my home with a five months old baby and less than a year marriage because i told myself the truth and not listening to what the society will say cos i want to be alive for my baby and m family that have struggle so hard to get me to this stage of my life. mine wasn’t as bad as your cos he has not laid his hands on me but just abusing me emotionally and threatening me and trust me it is more painful than the beating itself. because for some guys when they beat you and see the scars on you they become remorseful. but not the other way round……… and i know that the threat will come to pass one day when his anger gets to the climax…. just take your time and think about it and take a walk if necessary DON’T DIE FOR A MAN, ITS NOT WORTH IT…

    • Kunjoh

      June 5, 2015 at 10:45 am

      I have tears in my eyes reading this, I try as much as possible to avoid abuse story because I have been there and it feels like I am living it again when I read about abuse. Darling you need to leave ,it’s not your fault,stop blaming yourself. I wish I can give you a warm hug right now and tell you your life will be better after. Your story sounded so much like mine, please do yourself , family and people that care about you a favour before you loose your mind, life and head .
      Abuse does not only affects your physical being, it also affects your mind and soul. You’ve made the first brave step by talking about it, now tell people around you and your life belong to you, so do the right thing.
      All the best.x

  6. ada

    June 4, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    No man is worth staying with if he is abusive. I lost a younger sister in 2010 who was in an abusive marriage. My dad even gave her money to rent a amall place until things improve but she collected the money and sat tight with the man. Women should learn to when to stay and when to leave.

  7. girlie o

    June 4, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    Can you or anybody that knows, hint more on the salient and hidden signs of a potential abuser

    • Confuzzled

      June 4, 2015 at 7:25 pm

      I agree with this. Would be very useful

    • info

      June 4, 2015 at 8:00 pm

      Jealousy (questioning who the victim talks to, accusing the victim of flirting, jealous of time spent with others, calling frequently, dropping by unexpectedly);
      Controlling behavior (‘for the victim’s safety’);
      Pressuring the victim to commit quickly to the relationship;
      Expecting the victim to meet all of the abuser’s needs;
      Cutting the victim’s ties to outside support and resources (friends, family, car, phone, work);
      Blaming others for all problems or for the abuser’s own shortcomings. The victim or potential victim will be blamed for almost anything;
      Using feelings to manipulate the victim;
      Easily insulted;
      Cruelty to animals or children (e.g., whipping a two-year-old for wetting a diaper);
      “Playful” use of force in sex (e.g., restraining partners against their will during sex, demanding sex when the partner is ill or tired);.
      Verbal abuse;
      The victim will be told or treated as if inferior, stupid, ‘less than’;
      Explosive behavior and moodiness, which can shift quickly to congeniality;
      Past battering; threats of violence; breaking or striking objects;
      Any force during an argument (holding down the victim, physically restraining the victim from leaving, or pushing or shoving);
      Google is helpful for more info…

    • naya

      June 5, 2015 at 6:10 am

      All these define a Sociopath.

    • Hope

      June 5, 2015 at 3:35 am

      I just got out of one. It was verbally abusive. One thing he did was cajole me with love so I relocated to the city where he lived, as we lived far apart. The moment I got here, the loving stopped. When I asked, he said he was only faking the love so I can move. We were not living together but he wanted to know how I spent my money. It sounded like he cared about my financial life until when I told him I was supporting my siblings, who were yet to find jobs. He was upset about that. Then we began talking about marriage and he said that he does not like having guests over and I’m a people person. Gradually, I started unconsciously staying away from friends. Once he said that since we are planning to spend our lives together, he will like notice for a week before my friends come over. Then he would not want to hold me in public to protect his reputation as a church worker. There was no sex in the relationship. All I wanted was to be held and appreciated in public. So you will see little signs of control, manipulation and they are guised. He broke up with me and it was not until after the break up, that I saw how much damage he had done with his words and actions. Now I thank God for letting us part ways as it happened. I believe strongly that God that sees ahead is saving me from a tumultuous marriage. I was not happy in the relationship but my confidence and esteem was so shattered that I was willing to stay. I felt valueless. So now, I have decided to stay away from relationships, work with God to heal me as and help me find my worth in Him. I am way better than before. Once I am whole in Christ and understand how much I mean to Him, then I will pray for a relationship. It is easier to make wise decisions in relationships when we as women are fully confident and whole in who God made us to be.

    • malovera

      June 5, 2015 at 8:26 am

      I applaud you, salute you. good for you

    • Dee

      June 5, 2015 at 2:24 pm

      You will find yourself again. you have no idea how many women are going through things like this but cannot speak out because unlike the physical abuse, there is no evidence to “support their claim”. the scars are on the psyche, and it is so much worse.

  8. A Real Nigerian

    June 4, 2015 at 6:44 pm

    Woman beaters are on the same level with rapists and paedophiles.
    Disgusting, cowardly, beta male pussies who can’t pick on someone their own size but would happily hit a woman so as to cover for other insecurities in their lives.
    Is it a coincidence that all the abusive men I know of are either bad in bed or not as successful as their peers?

    • ssah

      June 8, 2015 at 12:06 pm

      @A Real Nigerian, first time u are making sense. confrats to you

    • ssah

      June 8, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      congrats***

  9. ROSE

    June 4, 2015 at 7:52 pm

    Great article Moses….many thanks. In addition I think it is important that we look at abuse from another angle. Which is also the point of view that we need to get these abusers help. Serious help, Men or women are not born abusers! these characteristics develop over a period of time. Yes praise God that the African women leaves the home in which she is being abused, but what next. This isn’t a matter of beg the wife sorry. This is a matter of this man needs emotional counselling, To deal with the root of the issue. If you do not deal with the root the leaves will fall off in dew season. This also goes back to the idea of the family system breaking down. We as a community need to be more connected with each other. We need to be accountable towards each other. We can’t ignore this behaviour and think a family meeting will change the abusers way. Let us love in action, and create the right environment for healing. Everyone like to talk about love in one dimension. However love is also patient and long suffering. It reconciles and that is what we should aim to do. Anger management is used when one hasn’t dealt with the root of the persons anger. Beating your wife black and blue is beyond anger management it is in fact a sign for HELP.

    • sussy

      June 5, 2015 at 9:13 am

      Yes, I watched a program where a man who used to abuse his wife physically but had reformed and his wife came to talk about it, the woman had to leave the house while the man underwent intense counselling for the marriage to be mended. So its not only prayer, separate and let the abuser go for counselling and show signs of improvement before coming back together. But for this to work the “abuser” has to be willing to change I must add.

  10. Frances Okoro

    June 4, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    Scary stuff.
    I hope your relative has let the truth sink in now – she should leave – atleast till the man goes through counseling or something..
    But biko, if you die, what happens to your kids.
    *sigh*

  11. Alivena

    June 4, 2015 at 8:17 pm

    I was going out with a guy in 2004 then 2005 i got pregeant for him but he refuse it that he was not responsible for it. I was heart broken, mocked by everyone around cos i was in j. S. S 3 then, i saw hell to cut long story short. I went back to school, finished secondary went to college of education, and university. He then came back to me that since i have a child for him that we should get married, that he don’t want to have kids from different women, i forgave him but along the line we had a little disagreement………..my God u need to see the beating i got……..after that i never had anything to do with him again……..and i have my child with me until God brings who will love and not hurt me.

    • malovera

      June 5, 2015 at 8:23 am

      what you have not learned is that, you don’t even need anybody(men) to love you, you have a child…that’s enough love.

    • Tee

      June 5, 2015 at 8:59 am

      Fantastic decision!!! God WILL bring the man who will love you and your child !!! I applaud your courage!!

  12. cool lami

    June 4, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    My question is -must people get married? Women just jump into the arms of wild beasts just to be respected in the society. Kai thank God I was brought up to think differently.

    • malovera

      June 5, 2015 at 8:20 am

      what a great question————-women always equating marriage to love, and status. Marriage is over-rated

  13. swits

    June 4, 2015 at 11:03 pm

    Firstly, I feel odd that it’s a guy who wrote this article. This should tell you I’ve had some bad experience myself. That said, confused, I pray for you. Alivena, I admire you.
    I have always blamed myself for the abuse but recently I have had cause to believe differently. Hmmmm, it is well.

  14. Papacy

    June 5, 2015 at 1:00 am

    You will see a woman afraid to take injection in the clinic cos “it hurts” and yet take more blows than pacquio and mayweather combined. Both the puncher and the “punchee” require counseling.

    • Tkum

      June 5, 2015 at 12:19 pm

      beht why? why would you equate taking injection to that horrible personality? abeg the two no gel…in all angles the two dont go abeg…i dont like injections and i cant take blows from a stupid man mbok.. My point is, Injections make me scream biko..

  15. Ba

    June 5, 2015 at 1:44 am

    Ladies need to take that bold step from “once yell, scold or beaten”. Quit the relationship straight away with no further looking back and be focus. I bet, you will not regret it.
    “Independence” means a lot. That’s the equation. I respect ladies that quit, it might not be easy taking that decision but those with great
    mind.
    Great write up, I support “Once is enough”, just once.

    • natu

      June 6, 2015 at 2:15 pm

      To piggyback on your comment, I feel like women need to understand their self worth. You are wonderfully and beautifully made. Do not allow another human being to value your worth. If you feel that you are not getting what you deserve, please leave. You are not the first to get divorce and you will not be the last. Stay strong ladies.
      P.S This is why I don’t get involved with African men. Their antics are so unattractive.

  16. O

    June 5, 2015 at 8:52 am

    What is your insight on emotional abuse?. I’m married with 2 kids. My husband has never been physical but can bring you down with words alone. I’ve become “fat”, my food tastes horrible, I am responsible for my kids’s ill health, I don’t use my brain (this is emphasized by the finger tapping the head), I will fail at every business venture because I’m not a serious person. I have become a shadow of myself, double thinking every decision I need to make and afraid to take steps to ensure a better quality of life. I am tempted to leave, but I come from a family where the only recognized form of abuse is physical, so I know I won’t have their support. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to survive on my own.

    • Tkum

      June 5, 2015 at 12:20 pm

      dearie i am lost for words! your comment out of all other comments got me very weak…that husband of yours is a beast…

    • Mz. Brown

      June 5, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      dear O did you read the story from D who lost a sister to abuse that wasnt necessarily physical?..might be a matter of time before he slaps u. abuse can start at any age actually as frustration tips some men over the edge. I dont need to say more, people have said it all on abuse. YOU are being abused. your self esteem is being chipped at and before u know it u will truly see yourself as he calls you(that is if you dont believe him already<but he is wrong please knoe that) please talk to a pastor or something about it. or just pack up. or something. just do something. dont just sit there and take it. please. No one can survive being told everyday that they are useless. emotional abuse breeds suicide but i pray your case will never get to that ijn. he will soon start telling your kids the same crap and start killing them at an early age. REad books on positive confessions. Read Godfessions, a book too. as u hear those nasty things, just reject them in ur head and confess positive statements. It is well with you. I pray for you and everyone else

    • natu

      June 6, 2015 at 2:10 pm

      I am so sorry. This got me in tears!!! Sometimes you have to put yourself first. You only got one life love. Make the best of it. I understand marriage is a big deal in Africa but sometimes you have to do what is best for you. I wish you all the strength.

    • Jhennique

      June 7, 2015 at 11:13 am

      Jesus! This…..

  17. juliet

    June 5, 2015 at 9:35 am

    Any man that always disagrees with the view of his girlfriend or wife is bound to be a hitter,this could be d hidden signs of a man dat cld beat a woman as most times,argument cld result into different actions.but a man that loves you,won’t won’t long argument or disagree with ur views.

  18. Cikizwa

    June 5, 2015 at 10:22 am

    I have just gotten out of a relation. We have a 10 motnh old baby. but te last blow was him pointing a gun at me and then ultimately shooting a warning shot at the floor. I had enough of his cheating ways and confronted him and told him that it’ll never be alright – he said he will never use a condom with me and that caused with to hold me at gun point. Not cul so i took my baby and left.

  19. teekay

    June 5, 2015 at 10:27 am

    i come from a family where my dad usually beat my mum and she would move out, family will come back to talk to him and she would move in…My dad is the Mr right and he believes he his the only one that is entitled to get angry…I feel sorry for my mum because she tried to manage the situation but it just doesn’t work… This often affect me with my relationship with guyz because am overly sensitive and i don’t even trust any man
    so my advice for anybody in abusive relationship if you don’t love yourself enough . Pls just ask yourself, if thats the kind of life you want for your child…Abusive men are mostly product of abusive marriage…Pls read between the lines while dating and be prayerful

  20. j

    June 5, 2015 at 10:37 am

    All abuse, emotional, physical, verbal should be condemned in the strongest terms. Abusers and abusee both need counseling.
    Seems this is more rampant than we imagined. #sigh#

  21. Ayaayo

    June 5, 2015 at 10:48 am

    “O” my darling sister, you are strong enough to achieve anything u want, u are a star, a rare gem, don’t u know it is cast in stones that u are fearfully and wonderfully made. How can u expect a blind man to see all you are and more. Please don’t doubt that your family will understand and encourage u to do what is best for u, discuss it with them please. You are the sane and better person in the relationship, don’t let anyone rob u of that. Whatever decision u make, it is the best don’t second guess it and you only need God to excel not a human being who does not have total control over the next second of his life. I wish you all the best.

  22. anon

    June 5, 2015 at 12:21 pm

    I’ve been married for 2 years now it has dawned on me that am in an abusive marriage the latest happened on Tuesday,we had an argument like any other couple,he started threatening to hit me before i knew it I heard a sounding slap with serious blows like he was fighting a man I couldn’t slap him back i reached for the centre tale and broke the tv,i ran out he followed me,still hitting me i came back hit the tv harder,i wanted to show him and anyone that cares that the way the tv is broken that’s how im broken,im expected not to talk when he talks because his mum doesn’t talk when the Dad is talking,his elder brothers wife doesn’t talk when his brother is talking,he has lived with 5 couples their wives don’t talk when they are talking,yet he complains about everything he nags like a woman,this is a man that is seen like a saint to the world and I am the devil,the first time was a slap in the kitchen the second was serious beating on the street during an argument,and he so knows how to twist stories and tell lies.
    We have no children yet,even if I ask him a simple question he will get angry and warn me not to ask him nonsense questions or I will see what he will do,I live in fear ,i didn’t come from an abusive home but he has even lived like a houseboy I know that is the cause of his problems.he has said he will report to a priest in patiently waiting for a priest to come in if he doesn’t i will go to the church myself.im not proud i broke the tv but i cannot be a punching bag for releasing anger..THIS MUST STOP

    • Tobi

      June 5, 2015 at 3:00 pm

      Hello Anon, your husband was raised in what is called an abusive environment,he has been conditioned to see life that way. Unfortunately you married him, even though I’m certain you knew all these people before the marriage. It is a subtle sign of abuse and it takes Wisdom and zero sentiments to face it head on. I mean, look at the list you mentioned, father, brothers and other men around him. That cycle is continuing with him and it will continue with the children(male and female) after him, except YOU decide that it ends with you. Use your tongue to count your teeth. All the best.

  23. gia

    June 5, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    This reminds me of the “the nigerian men we are raising” article….

  24. Fatzy

    June 5, 2015 at 12:34 pm

    Dear O, you are wonderfully made, you are strong, don’t allow anyone to make u believe otherwise. Say positive words into your life, I am strong, am in shape, I am valuable, I am successful etc. Also, know that you can do anything you set ur mind on. Commune deeply with your God and you will see your confidence coming back to life. Whatever decision you make should be for your happiness. Whether your family support you or not, make sure you are happy. Life is too short.

    And to all the ladies out there both single and married, we should learn to live our lives for yourselves. Don’t take because of what people will say and live in agony. Also be sure to save and invest for the rainy day and your future. Most people are afraid to leave abusive homes or even voice out, all beacuse the abuser supports her financially. God bless us all.

    Nice write-up.

  25. GetOut

    June 5, 2015 at 3:26 pm

    Hmmm..presently in relationship. The biggest mistake I made was forfeiting my own apartment to move in with him. Spent major chunk of my savings to help put the apartment in place (some part of which he promised to pay back) Should have run the first time he shouted me down during argument in public. Or maybe the time he shoved, pulled me around and clamped his fist over my mouth during a disagreement, or when he says degrading things about me each time I gave the idea I couldn’t cope anymore. he countlessly accuses me of cheating on him with no prove whatsoever.

    I remember some months back I wanted to leave and end the relationship. As I have gulped most of my savings out on him, I asked for the pay back of money spent as promised, I got the shocker when he told me he knows nothing of what I was talking about as I wasn’t getting a dime from him if I left. After that things didn’t change. Extreme and unfounded accusations is the course of the day, Getting blamed for almost everything and being put down sometimes like I wasn’t doing enough. He insist on seeing my account balance from time to time. On top my hard earned money? He becomes aggressive and manipulative when he wants something done his way. He made me clear my account all in the name of making a loan to him.

    The last one got me to my feet when I was severely scolded for not putting a call through at a particular time like he wanted when he was out of town. His exact words when he called..”the way you behave sometimes I wonder what kind of human being you are and how you use your head”. And then, like every other time he feels offended about something. He stopped calling to check on me for days. This is the usual practice with him. It got worse when he called out of no where just to accuse me of cheating on him. Knowing I cant go further, I decide to move out without the slightest idea where and with very limited cash. He came back to town unannounced. The insult I got that day, the shameful things he said to me, this column will not be enough to type it. Demeaning, degrading things. In the course of trying to hold my mouth shut and pull me down so neighbors would not hear, I hit my head hard on the wall and got bruises on the face. He defended himself saying he was only trying to keep me shut cos I was making a hell of a noise. He talked me into working on himself and made me promise to stay. I did. But I know I would be lying to myself. To make it worse, he is asking to help make some deposits that requires some amount of money from me, could it be he is doing this to deliberately strip me off cash and become stranded? .

    With very limited cash to secure an accommodation for myself, I am scheming my plan to make my escape unannounced. God see me through this!

    • Emma

      June 5, 2015 at 6:54 pm

      Hey. e-hugs to you. i have been in a similar situation( he got the job for me sef) i left Abuja to Lagos without a dime and i bless God each day for his faithfulness.

      if you are in Lagos, you could move in with me. i am female, catholic.
      ( leave your e-mail so i can reach you)

    • oy

      June 8, 2015 at 12:04 pm

      well done Emma.. reaching out to a fellow sister. God bless you. @getout, i’m so sorry about all you’ve been through. no human being should have to go through that. what goes around comes around, so please get the broken pieces,don’t try to put them together, just lay it at the feet of Jesus. you’ll find your way through the dark tunnel. i promise, it gets better and better.

    • GetOut

      June 11, 2015 at 5:41 pm

      could I still drop my email?

  26. Yes?

    June 5, 2015 at 3:53 pm

    I want to ask a sincere question, to Mr. Moses Obroku and any other professional in this field. Is there no other way out of this type of trend other than leaving the marriage or relationship? Is there no other step that can be taken to help save a marriage or relationship in this situation other than walking away?

    • Ba

      June 6, 2015 at 8:55 am

      @Yes?: It takes the great mind, filled with information, intellect and practice to be anger free. As far as the man is young, strong and agile minded, the anger issue that lead to scolding and beating will still continue except there is a reverse of his mind. How long will you continue to leave with this man before he become frail and weak in old age when he can no longer throw punches, yell or beat you. This is a huge risk because if you decide to continue and manage it till he approach the weak age I pre-determine, he might have paralyze you or be 6-feet down.

      The best is to walk out of an early relationship and for marriage, is better to quit to save your precious life of impending danger you are seeing. If both of you have kids, you can settle that amicable or better, take your precious kids along if the advantage warrant.

  27. Stephanie

    June 5, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    OMG! We go through a whole lot in the name of marriage and staying married. May God heal every broken heart and protect the very fragile heart, body and soul He created in women. I am just speechless, i am barely two months in my marriage and i have never dreamt of having a troubled home, So far it has been beautiful.. May i and my Husband never have a cause to abuse each other be it physical, psycological or emotional in Jesus Name, Amen.
    Heal marriages Lord!
    Too many scary stories coming from an institution you have blessed, May the devil never win the battle in our homes.
    While we pray for Peace, let us also ensure we avoid heated arguements, respect one another, care for and above all pray for our spouse.
    It is well with us all.

  28. Ama Ghana

    June 5, 2015 at 8:50 pm

    For all those in emotionally, physically and or verbally abusive relationships and marriages. Please please and please again seek help and run for your dear life. A spouse or companion is meant to support you and lift you up not degrade and abuse you. Please i beg of you. Get help.

  29. natu

    June 6, 2015 at 2:30 pm

    1) ladies please know your worth. We are special!!!
    2) Ladies please do not ignore the signs.
    3) Do not make excuses for them.
    4) Talk to you pastor, parents, friends and psychologist
    5) Do not be frightened about walking out. You were born alone and you will die alone.
    6) Stay strong and beautiful ladies
    Maybe I am young (22) and naive but I will never let any man have control over me. NEVER!! I have even made the decision that I will not give up my family name even if I do decide to one day settle down. I do not want to loose my identity. I want to remain faithful to my individuality.

  30. Oyinlola

    June 6, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    I’m speechless. I don’t even know what to write. I’ve got goosebumps all over. My eyes heavy with unshed tears. This is just so sad.
    @info: thanks for sharing some warning signs. Looking back now I’m glad I didn’t pursue a particular relationship because it had the telltale signs to become verbally disastrous. Please no one should suffer in silence, SPEAK OUT! SEEK HELP!! Even if you do something silly(who doesn’t by the way????) correct in love not condemn with words/blows! Gosh

  31. Stica

    December 15, 2016 at 3:32 pm

    i am so happy to read all the advises given, infact you guys are doing grate jobs, you might not no how many souls you have saved. God bless you all. hmmmm, right now my kid sister is going through alot of verbally and emotional abuses from her hubby. she have two kids, now that she have decided to leave the marriage and furge ahead with her live, only for her to discovered that she is carrying the third child. inshort i’m short of words because i have decided to help her to bounce back on her feet but with this third pregnancy, am truly confused. please what do i do, should i allow her to go back to her hubby or allow her to stay with me till she put to bed. please i need an advise. Even she is insisting that she can not go back to the guys house. God bless you all.

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