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Isio Knows Better: Background Checks

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Background checks are the kinds of questions you ask of the person you are attracted to. They are usually asked when you realize that something nice could come out of the feelings that are totori-ing you about another. It lets you know what to expect in future, if you decide to share your life with someone.

Background checks are not culturally alien to us, as Nigerians. Infact, in the days of old, the families of both parties would journey to the home-town of their “could-be” in-laws and find out about, not just their children’s intended, but his/her family. They would find out about the intended’s behaviour (his/her good sides and character flaws); about their family’s medical history (fear of leprosy, epilepsy and madness tinz); blood-lines and lineage (to find out that they are not related in any kurukere way); and of course find out if there are any strange curses the family may/may not be plagued with (kpians tinz).

But things have evolved in Naija. Many have left the old-ways behind and embraced modernity. That is not to say the practice of background-checks have died;  it has just evolved over the last few generations. Nobody wants to enter one-chance, so we have our own ways of finding out things about our intended.

Some people don’t care and leave everything to chance, believing that their love and faith in a happy ending is more than enough. Some people go to alfas, babalawos, prophets, mamas and babas to “find-out” and do spiritual background checks on so-and-so. (Major *side-eyes* at the frantic denials coming forthwith…)

Taaaah! I went to Unilag, and I live in this country, and the way some people just throw it around with a casual mention that they went to “find-out” from “prophet/pastor/baba/alfa that sees things” about this person/that person – used to leave me befuddled until it wasn’t even alarming anymore. They say it like it’s nothing. Indeed, some even go with their mothers sef. Na wa.

But, I digress…

These “checks” can be of questions asked of your “intended”, or of people who have known them in the past. But there is always a risk. People can lie, and people are constantly evolving, adapting, changing. People have agendas, good and bad. Not to mention, that opinions are highly subjective, not objective. So, that means that if you are falling in love with someone, and you depend on the information given to you by a friendly enemy during your background-checks, well… na OYO you dey.

However you prefer to carry-out your checks, one thing is clear… it should be before you allow that person play a part in the story of your heart. This is my opinion.

My method of background check is the “Ho-Ha Method.” It means that one day, both of us will sit down and ask each other HARD questions. Oga was free to ask me anything, I did the same. It is a chance for both parties to come to equity with clean hands. They decide there and then, if they are going to “do this” or not. This way, both parties know exactly what they are signing up for ho-ha –from the beginning.

I do this because I don’t like surprises, so my own questions toe the line between being a background-check and a future-assessment test. I enjoy being in love, but I have never been a romantic… rather, a realist. I do this because I don’t want to be that person who would rather romanticize facts and refuse to see people for what they really are – but what I would like them to be. I do this to get to know the real person … not the person you think I need you to be.

So, here are my background-check questions…

  • When was the last time you got tested?

Yes o, and just so we are clear and you don’t think I am asking the last time you got checked for malaria/typhoid, I will ask again and list out the names. “Oi, ogbeni… Do you/have you had syphilis, staphylococcus, hepatitis, HIV, genital warts, gonorrhoea, or any kind of STD}?”

  • What’s your genotype?

May God forgive me, but if in answer to this – even before your lips purse to just start pronouncing the “s”…

FIAMMMMMMMMMMMM!

Omooooo. I don take off be dat. No vex… I am AS.

  • Do you have any kids?

I love kids, there’s nothing wrong with a single man/woman with a child (emphasis on SINGLE) as long as they are honest about if from the beginning – because finding about one or more secret child(ren) years after you’ve committed to someone is all shades of wrong.

It also helps if he (as a single man) doesn’t come with baby-mama drama. The kind of drama that will stand at your gate with ebo chanting incantations that even Satan will be afraid of interpreting. Or the ones that will show up with their egbe as cats, owls and black goats singing lullabies of destruction by your window at night. Or even the ones that will be blowing up your phone with threatening calls/texts kpaa-kpaa.

Ehen, kilode? It’s not that hard, mbok.

  • Have you ever hit a woman before?

Very, very important. Please ask, when, where, why and how it happened – especially if rumour has it that he has done so before. Don’t judge, don’t guess, don’t excuse the rumours -just ask, not just to give him the benefit of the doubt, but to determine for yourself the way he acts about it. The tongue can speak many lies, but body language does not.

As a man, it is not amiss to ask if your “lady-love” has ever hit/fought with a man before.  Some people like dishing slaps and some people like receiving slaps. It’s a thing. Be clear about who you are and what you can tolerate in your future. Like me now na. With these my langa-langa hands, I don’t have power to distribute slaps, and I wasn’t created for slapping. At all. In fact, my second name is Mowayemoya. It is a Yoruba name, loosely translated as, I did not come to this world with/for suffer-head.

  • Have you ever been with a man before?

Shuo! Why are you people shouting? What is wrong with my kweshun? It’s a legitimate question, I offer no judgements nor condemnations but please I want to know. Whether it was curiosity, a mistake, an abuse, a proposition or a fantasy, me I will kukuma ask. There is nothing wrong in being clear about who you are and what you’ve done. The injustice is allowing another to fall in love with (and get frustrated with) the you YOU KNOW you are not.

I kennat fit to shout biko.

So, I wish you all luck this fine, Tuesday morning. Did you do a background-check or did someone do one on/for you? What did you find? And if you did the “Ho-Ha Method” like me, what did you ask? Were you pleased with your answers? And if you are considering the HH Method, please we beg you, don’t disgrace us, and be asking questions like an evil spirit.

Which one is, “Where do you see this love positioned in the global community of homosapienic technological advancement and economic reforms maritially, culturally, mentally, spiritually and financially – and how best do you intend to position our descendants to the tenth generation – in these in the next five, ten and fifteen years?

KAI. Please don’t be an evil spirit.

xx.

Isio De-laVega Wanogho is a Nigerian supermodel, a multi-award winning media personality and an interior architect who is a creative-expressionist at her core. She uses words, wit and her paintings to tell stories that entertain, yet convey a deeper meaning. Follow her on Instagram @isiodelavega and visit her website: http://www.idds.pro to see her professional body of work.

120 Comments

  1. The real D

    July 14, 2015 at 9:47 am

    There was no background check for me and the hubby since i knew his family most of my life, and since my initial goal was to hook him up with somebody else before tide changed and we ended up together, i had all the answers prior to all the tori tori deal started. But I have cousins that their parents went to the village ooo to find out on all 5 kids…the mama no send at all…my mama (her sister) was like which kin 1800s deal be this? the woman did not even listen she went all the way to the village like it was the 100AD

  2. jessy

    July 14, 2015 at 9:52 am

    it’s pure bliss to read your posts. I wish you were my friend. I envy your friends.

    • ENO

      July 16, 2015 at 6:21 pm

      So true!

  3. Unique

    July 14, 2015 at 9:52 am

    hahaha! isio iyaff kill me with laffta!

    Anyway apart from the genotype and family background thing, i usually dnt do any checks, well i did delve into a bit musky water sometimes ago when i asked a female friend(tryin to break the friend zone buh bae no gree, lolz) about the hearsay that when a woman from her tribe gbensh anoda apart from whom she is married to, calamities will befall her and her husband. she was hesistant at first but later admit it.

    on another plane, on the genotype and gbensin eish. i usually dont ask anymore cos you can never get the truth out from both sex and when my ex asked me i told her none, she ddnt believe. but wait o is it a mush dat i mush gbensh to attain manhood? thats what cause the break up o.

    btw im always attracted to lady of other tribes, dunno y (cover face), i have informed my mum to get ready to begin a liking for flyin boats and canoes cos that is where your daughter in law might be coming from o.

    some check can be xtreme sha, that was how a bae i met online was asking me how many inches abi na centimetres is mr johnny. i delete her asap. dnt yab me i can deduce by that what she is really after

    • treasure

      July 14, 2015 at 11:29 am

      absolutely nuffin wrong with not-gbenshing. ya tin is ya tin, period! noone but you gets to dictate if its used or not. i don’t tell nobody cuz even very close friends start mis-yarning when they know.

  4. Small Pepper

    July 14, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Biko back ground checks dikwa very necessary, so are phone checks, family checks, colleague checks, friends check et al, I was of a contrary belief till I discovered that my wonderful, kindest, most considerate, most gentlemanly, envy inducing, lovey dovey boo of two years was married with children. please a word of advice for ladies that are dating men sent on projects or transferred to another place for assignments, Biko insist on following him to his main place of abode one day, his reaction will save you from a lot of heartache.

    • nife

      July 14, 2015 at 11:59 am

      Jesus!!!!

    • TA

      July 14, 2015 at 1:54 pm

      In addition to family checks et al, add online checks i. e Facebook, Linkedin etc etc. Sometimes, a person’s Facebook post or picture tells a story that may be good or bad… These checks are very necessary ESPECIALLY if you intend to marry the other person

  5. Naomi

    July 14, 2015 at 9:53 am

    Sometimes i wonder what people do when they r dating/in a courtship that they dont ask questions….snapping instagram pictures, having sex, watching movies because some of the issues popping up now ehn……i asked the hubby then questions like these..
    Q: ‘when i dont feel like having sex what would u do”? A:…….seduce you……
    Q: ‘what do u expect from me, my family, when we r married??’ clears the air on unrealistic expectations…..
    Q: “what was ur best sexual experience before me??’
    Q: ‘what would u do if i earn more than you??’ hmmm…
    Q: ‘when i’m heavily pregnant and u want sex what would u do??’….that one go hard ooo…..
    Q: ‘when you are hungry and I’m ill or away or pregnant what would you do?” A: you will find a way to cook na…..
    now i know how to prepare myself lol look at the preg question….i begged the boo to learn how to cook oo, its not a woman’s job its a survival skill!!!

    • Sugar

      July 14, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Same question i asked mine…
      Do you give head?
      Can you disclose your salary pay? Some men are very secretive and would never tell you how much he earns
      What is your view on cheating ? Do you see anything wrong in having side chics
      How would you deal with it if after child birth i add a few extra pounds and boobs start to drop and saggy?
      What is your best sex position?
      There are a lot of questions to ask while dating. Its not all about having sex and living in a fool’s paradise.

      I recommend every lady should read Pastor BIMBO ODUKOYA’s book Titled : How To Choose A Life Partner: 165 Questions To Ask.

  6. anonymous

    July 14, 2015 at 9:56 am

    Isio, hilarious.
    been looking forward to your article and once again you did not dissappoint.
    ROTFL.

  7. Single, Relationship and Marriage

    July 14, 2015 at 9:57 am

    Isio, my question to you and all others is that does our life (lives) centre around Single, relationship and marriage (SRM)? Are ladies lives centered around men? Do you people think about any other thing else other than men?

    80% of all articles are relationship advices
    Berrk Dakara-who is the porposal for
    Busola Adedire- long distance relationships
    iso knows better- faking orgasm, after cheating
    Toke & Maje
    Yetunde crying over babatee
    Daddy freeze and ex wife
    Kenyan girl saying Nigerian men are con men

    If all we do as a nation is about S,R,M, then i fear for this country and continent.

    • Naomi

      July 14, 2015 at 10:23 am

      Hello, this is categorized under Relationships in BellaNaija blog, if you want other articles please go to other sections, News, Features, Inspired, Movie/Music. Thank you. Please if You dont want to read about relationships fine but let others read. Eshey. Sie ba puo!!!

    • red

      July 14, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      NAOMI A DA FUN E, AMIN. looool me sef don dey wonder o… ITK things

    • Jazmynia

      November 2, 2015 at 11:52 am

      Let her go to super sports online and run her commentary there

    • Busola

      July 14, 2015 at 10:28 am

      But nobody pulled a trigger to your head to read them. Maybe some people have busy minds, maybe some people write for fun, maybe some people write out of curiousity. If you know the amount of thinking and depth that goes into writing, you will think again before condemning another person’s art.

    • Mimi

      July 14, 2015 at 10:31 am

      Oh shut it!!! There are many other topics that cater to your taste…click on them instead.

    • Good Person

      July 14, 2015 at 10:55 am

      Guess you are in the wrong lane .. well as a good person would help you and am sure others would help .. If you are looking for business/global news try to read things like Harvard Business Review, Times, Newswatch, even channels if it’s sport …………. (Pls help fill the gap ) for gospel check RCCG’s website or even MFM …. Thank me later

    • red

      July 14, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      hhehehehehehehe u badt

    • Californiabawlar

      July 14, 2015 at 11:13 am

      Who told you not to read the career and self help articles? Those are really good! And there are quite a good number (quantity wise) of them actually…. They may not get a lot of comments because, well, it’s not a conversation type situation…but yeah, you’re the one that needs to switch things up and click on fewer of the RLM ( or whatever your acronym was) features…. I know I do. I filter a lot of the relationship stuff….not really my cup of tea, plus a lot of it get redundant after a while. And except for days when I’m trolling, I also almost absolutely won’t click on a Buhari, Kardashian or LGBTfkxdbd(and a bunch of other bs consonants) related post….the comments are pretty predictable…so no thanks.

      And Isio switches things up a lot! I remember the first feature I act read was the one on winchys in boarding school. That was hilarious ??

    • red

      July 14, 2015 at 12:41 pm

      yes i agree. plus many people are at the stage in their lives where they have to pick right, and much learning is needed. when one picks wrongly, it can affect other areas of the person’s life.it’s really important.

    • Californiabawlar

      July 14, 2015 at 11:40 am

      We have not even removed Ifa from the ground, and Ifa is already coming true….oya, read buy a gala to snack on while reading this….

      http://www.bellanaija.com/2015/07/14/watch-arese-ugwus-tips-on-how-to-save-your-money-on-glory-edoziens-vlog-discovery/

      p.s. It’s a post by females too!

    • men this, men that

      July 14, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      The truth is you have nothing else you do with your life than talking & thinking about men. Scheming all sorts on top man matter and later y’all be forming as if you don’t care or can exist without a man in your life.

      If you like get hbp or kill yourself ontop checks

    • red

      July 14, 2015 at 3:15 pm

      @men this, men that…the post is for both men and women, no need to get defensive. the fact that the female comment-ers here are more vocal doesn’t water down the intention of the author. the author is female, she told her own story..if you read it well,you’ll know it’s an advise for both sexes.

    • goodiebagman

      July 14, 2015 at 3:59 pm

      And the worst thing is they are all single and losing at the damn thing. Yeye people when think say dem get sense pass their papas and mamas. The fact say you get instagram/facebook account and your mama no get no mean say you sharp pass am.

    • goodiebagman

      July 14, 2015 at 4:01 pm

      @Single, Relationship and Marriage

  8. ESIT

    July 14, 2015 at 10:00 am

    I love you.
    “Have you ever hit any woman before”
    C’est la incredibly important!
    Gats ask so u don’t end up with one who rearranges your face as frequent as he changes his boxers.
    Have u been a woman before???
    Yes o, now that everyone is on transgender tinz
    I gorra ask yuno so i know your kini is working well.

  9. Nammy

    July 14, 2015 at 10:00 am

    I do ho-ha method and my first question is usually, What’s your blood group?

    • Kadara

      July 14, 2015 at 12:11 pm

      @ Nammy, do you mean genotype ?many confuse genotype and blood group .Blood group is no where as essential for a potential spouse as there are drugs to take if the child will be a different blood group from the Mother to prevent complications. Genotype should be your first question

    • ThatAbiribaBae

      July 14, 2015 at 2:53 pm

      @Kadara, blood group might not be as important as genotype to you but it’s equally important. If a Rhesus positive (RhD+; presence of the protein, D antigen on the red blood cell) blood mixes with a Rhesus negative (RhD-; absence of the protein, D antigen on the red blood cell), that could result to death. To expatiate, if I as a B+ woman, marries an AB- man and any of our children is A-, B-, AB-, or O- and I didn’t test for this before delivery and no precautions were taken, once baby blood touches my B+ blood, baby will have complications (life threatening), death inclusive! I said it may be less important only because you can prevent the complications/death from happening (drugs/injections) but you can only employ these preventive measures if you are well informed.

      Even though I have a science background, I didn’t completely understand this implication(s) until I met my fiancé.

      In all your getting, get wisdom as wisdom is indeed profitable to direct!

      For more knowledge on this:
      babycentre.co.uk/a568837/what-is-my-rhesus-status-and-how-will-it-affect-my-pregnancy
      nhs.uk/Conditions/Rhesus-disease/Pages/Causes.aspx

    • Nammy

      July 14, 2015 at 3:42 pm

      Thanks, I meant genotype

  10. Muse

    July 14, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Chei!! Isio you are a clown! lol that last part? **Please don’t be an evil spirit….. by the time you finish asking that kian kweshun bobo go just dey disappear now? what is economically, culturally, mentally, spiritually and financially? Taaaah! no try am ooo

    I really enjoyed this piece. Keep it coming babe.

  11. Scared homosapien

    July 14, 2015 at 10:01 am

    Oh My Gawd!!!
    I’ve not laughed this hard in a long while.
    I’ve employed the HH, scientific and background methods. I don’t believe in all these church seers, cos they are just an offshoot of the village dibias and babalawos. For me right now, once I start ‘fancying’ you, the first question I ask is ‘what’s your genotype/blood group. I sincerely don’t have emotions to waste now.
    Background checks are very important, jokes apart, it is the beginning of the downfall or upliftment of every union. You should take it serious!

  12. Ocean Beauty

    July 14, 2015 at 10:03 am

    I used to be an HH person oh. The only time I went to find out something (about me sef) from a man of God in a church, I learnt my lesson. Since then nobody should tell me anything about anybody. I will read the bible and pray myself.
    Previously I have asked these questions and more but unfortunately I will not be asking anymore because many of these questions are peculiar to Nigerian men and sorry I love them as friends but not lovers.

  13. ejogene

    July 14, 2015 at 10:07 am

    Hahahahahahahaaha Isio have come again oh! Will be back for the comments.

  14. OLABISI

    July 14, 2015 at 10:10 am

    oh! isio, u just nailed it. i always do background checkings non my partners and it has really helped. the last one in did, i got to know the guy is a hardened criminal and a cultist. and bro will come to church like a saint, lifting up ‘holy hands’. kai! this world is something else. we ladies have to open/sharpen our eyes well or else na one chance u go eneter. God forbid,!!!!!

  15. dayo d

    July 14, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Nice one isio, on the last question , i wee also show her that i went to skool. she dey craze!

    • serene

      July 14, 2015 at 11:23 am

      hahahahahahahaha….you have killed me with laugh. i can’t begin to imagine your own question

  16. Unique

    July 14, 2015 at 10:14 am

    ………… and yes nthg is wrong with me down there cos th e 3 dates i have been involved with has stylishly try to reeve the engine just to be sure perhaps they couldnt handle goin on witbout it, every mallam with him kettle biko!. plus im thr lovey dovey type that dont want to hurt buh my reasons have always be reigning over my motion

    why rush into it when the inevitable can happen, it makes it easier to part ways without any dramatic and there is the benefit of fulfillment i keep my vow to the end. i dnt mind getting married to smone who has bn gbensh front and back, buh as long it is stop when i got involved its ok with me.
    im not looking for V girls buh true love.

    Dear future children, why you are still not here is because your mum is still out there claiming bad gurl ever liveth/good gurl ever liveth

    • Queen Spicey

      July 14, 2015 at 12:57 pm

      Where have you been all my life? Report now let’s get things rolling.

  17. chy

    July 14, 2015 at 10:19 am

    i did a background check on a guy i was so madly in love with years back,it was ok for me so we started planning marriage whatever.lo and behold the mum who use to pamper me like egg swore with her left nyash that the son wont marry that a man of God told her that i tied their son to an iroko tree.i just realised that all the background check wasnt worth it,i didnt see the diabolical side of the family.i moved on but trust me if you need any background checks,go down in prayers and get the answers you need

  18. Hafsat's Blacksoap, Oils & Butter

    July 14, 2015 at 10:20 am

    Isio!!!! Your wit is out of this world!!!!!! Hope you are penning a novel ????

  19. Fabulous B

    July 14, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Isio oooo! LMAO. Real talk things. We did question each other thoroughly and we still do, especially with different situations unfolding each day. From the 1st day, we both knew where we’re heading with the relationship. No games. He’s a Christ believer and he’s helping me in faith aspect & other aspects of my life. To my surprise this guy is exposed, he has seen things; I’m learning from him :). Make I no talk too much. All I got to say is that, when GOD gives you something/someone, it is lasting(with more challenges though but GOD sees u through them always). Relationship no be bed of roses but it’s sweeter with CHRIST

  20. Ann

    July 14, 2015 at 10:30 am

    The ‘Ho ha’ way is most time the best biko, as long as you watch out for body language you will be fine…if i hear you saw a pastor, imam, baba, mama, i will keep you at arms length biko…i do not trust my friends that consult, baba, papa, pastor etc, before you go and consult on my head biko….

  21. Ahneetah

    July 14, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Isio!! My Tuesday delight.

  22. Dem

    July 14, 2015 at 10:32 am

    Lol, very important o. Some years ago, this handsome bobo started frequenting our neighbourhood, very friendly and all. After he gained our trust as a friend (after buying boys several bottles), he confided to us that he just started dating my neighbour and would like to know more about her(all this, while we were downing drinks and having a nice time on his bill), we immediately gave each other a signal he didnt see, and started gushing about how lucky he is, how wonderful she is, wat a great find, the ode was soooo happy, he probably popped the question immediately he saw her. Mean while, the lady in question… erm, scratches head, erm… let me not even offend BN ladies by describing her and the antics she is known for. ( No be for our mouth them go hear bad thing).
    I didnt do the H&H for my wife. Paid plentiful visit to the family house and shined my eyes and ears to get the koko about the family, family quarrel, black sheep of the family, how she relates to brothers and sisters o, house help and co, just to know how my children might turn out if them no resemble me. Lol. All is well that ends well sha.

    • Abena

      July 14, 2015 at 11:36 am

      You and your friends are a different breed with the way you hyped the girl in a positive light unlike the ‘idiot’ in one of Isio’s article who totally ‘destroyed’ a girl an ex.Although i dont know the guy,i still cant seem to forgive the twerp! A piece of scum!
      And yes visiting her at home and observing the family IF she still lives at home is BEST

    • DoTheMath

      July 14, 2015 at 3:21 pm

      Why lie and set up another while drinking his wine?. If you didn’t want to tell the truth, it would have been better to not say anything. The bobo might have a distorted opinion of His wife/wife to be and that might lead to problems eventually because His expectation and reality don’t match. Expectation > Reality = possible wahala. DoTheMaths.

  23. Tkum

    July 14, 2015 at 10:42 am

    wat da heck!!! Dis Isio girl is a naught case….girlfrnd i am in love with you oo…you compliment me baby…i am female oo…LMAOO…mehn with a frnd like you, naija issues isnt worth giving me headaches…You rock girl…

  24. ardnas

    July 14, 2015 at 10:46 am

    lol.. “Where do you see this love positioned in the global community of homosapienic technological….lwkmd! Just loving Isio by the day.

  25. Noms

    July 14, 2015 at 10:46 am

    Oniovooooo, laff wan keee me.
    Kpians (witchcraft),ebo (Juju/jazz), lol e don teyyy, I hear those words.
    I do the HH because I nor get power for tales by moonlight.
    I am AS and I ask what about genotype before we know where we headed.
    There is this guy I met and liked recently and likes me back, after finding out that he is AA , the next thing he says is “Babe, you need this relationship pass me ooo” I kuku say nor be only you be AA for town ooo,lol.
    Parents still do background checks this days but they might not make it open. We were choked after my sister’s wedding when my dad said he actually went to her hubby’s village to find out certain things and that was why he didn’t object to their marriage even if we weren’t from the same tribe.

    And your closing paragraph, if na me man ask sef, I go “took” wetin happen? Na AU summit abi G8 meeting?

    Thanks for always making my Tuesdays.

    • nife

      July 14, 2015 at 12:10 pm

      Hahahaha. Funny guy. Saying u need this relationship pass me

    • J

      July 14, 2015 at 3:33 pm

      LOL at babe you need this relationship pass me ooo!!! I can barely control my laugh n tears! That was stupidly silly and crazy of the goat!!!!! Nigerian men!!!

  26. Californiabawlar

    July 14, 2015 at 10:52 am

    Hmmmn….i walk in to my apartment one evening and my roommate is like “girl, I know you gon say i’m crazy, but remember that guy I’ve been talking to? I did a ‘little’ background check on him online, and you won’t believe what I found….”
    Let’s see where her ‘little check’ lead her: she found out the guys home address, found out he was married, found his engagement photos, then found his save the date website, peeped his wedding pictures and finally ‘somehow’ found his DIVORCE PAPERS! Like the real document o!
    All of this before the even going on the first date?! I’m like “girlie I don’t think you’re crazy, I know you’re crazy?”

    • Rancic

      July 14, 2015 at 11:25 am

      but i think its better to be crazy then enter one chance!

    • treasure

      July 14, 2015 at 11:58 am

      lwkmd!

    • Que

      July 14, 2015 at 12:26 pm

      HAHAHAHAHhaaahahahahaaaaa……o dear! This is turning into a nicely hilarious day!

    • chigirl

      July 15, 2015 at 4:30 am

      Before? these days online back ground check is most reliable. Factas dont lie! Thank God for ur friend

  27. Moani

    July 14, 2015 at 10:54 am

    wow hilarious post!

  28. Unique

    July 14, 2015 at 11:02 am

    so thats how bellanaija swallowed my comments

    issorai

  29. serene

    July 14, 2015 at 11:30 am

    Isio, your sense of humor is out of this world! and our bn commentators….I hail una o. You guys totally made my morning

  30. pastorpikin

    July 14, 2015 at 11:31 am

    well, there was this guy back then, good guy, but I wasn’t into him, he insisted dat he would marry pastor pikin. pastor said no, there is an evil pattern in dat family please dnt go there. good excuse sef I said. honestly over the years guy is trend on that evil pattern. I dodge one!

  31. Zeal

    July 14, 2015 at 11:32 am

    LDSMB Finish oooooooooooooo, @ Which one is, “Where do you see this love positioned in the global community of homosapienic technological advancement and economic reforms maritially, culturally, mentally, spiritually and financially – and how best do you intend to position our descendants to the tenth generation – in these in the next five, ten and fifteen years?

    KAI. Please don’t be an evil spirit.

  32. kcz

    July 14, 2015 at 11:41 am

    isioooooo..lwkmd…love dis post…chai..i remember telling my mum to meet her prayer people to help pray concerning someone am dating den in 2012 and infact 2 guys where seeking my hand. becos i was confused i sought mumsy’s help and was told that d one i was more close to wont make me happy in marriage and the unserious one was even the one for me ,(though i just gave names). i decided to try to make the unserious one serious and guess what i ended up breaking up wit him cos he always made me feel like i was the side chic and the serious one who i broke up with initially is still single and want us to settle down, although he has a 18 yr old dota. though myself will never try that nonsense again o. will pray on my own as i have parted ways wit both guys

  33. BeautifulOnyinye

    July 14, 2015 at 11:43 am

    =))º°˚˚˚°ºнaĦaнaº°˚˚˚°º‎​=)) .Isio ooo!.Lovely article as usual.My parents did a background check on hubby and his family and I think they did too.Then I also did the ‘Ho Ha’ method,very important.

  34. nife

    July 14, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Hahaha hahahaha Isio don’t kill me oooo. But really, those are very very valid questions

  35. Ephi

    July 14, 2015 at 11:56 am

    “chanting incantations that even Satan will be afraid of interpreting”

    hahahaha, can’t stop laughing! that line got me

  36. Flow

    July 14, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    Isioooooooiiii you have kee me o, I don laff sotey my mama gats shake me back to reality, she think say I don kolo. Your articles are not only always on point, I like how you infuse plenty humour into serious matters such as this one, I always look forward to Tuesdays and you never disappoint, I think you deserve an award walahi, keep it up!

    Now to the topic! For me o, the “ho ha”(lol) approach still remains the best way to do your background check of an intended, a one-on-one, no holds barred conversation will give you at least 70% of the answers you seek, you will see, know and hear the truth with this approach even when your partner is lying, intuition does not fail here, unless you have been completely submerged in the “mumu” feelings we sometimes mistake for love will you make up excuses in your head for him/her even when deep within you know they lied. 30% of other background info will be supplied by third parties. yes, you don’t have to go all “Lois Lane” and be digging for dirt when there is none, people lie and professionally too, let the gist come to you instead, some friends and even family can drop hints here and there for you to put the pieces together yourself, do not waive it off, but also remember to keep an open mind while you investigate, no hasty conclusions, with patience the truth will surely surface. A few years ago I had to end an abusive relationship, I discovered his previous relationship ended because of the same thing, I didn’t do any background check was “drunk in love” his friends dropped hints, they would ask questions like “you were quiet last night, did he DO anything to you?” and often during discussions they will continuously point out how bad his anger is and jokingly advice me to be careful not to make him angry, these were serious hints and I didn’t see it more than just jokes, although he did show signs of aggression and unhealthy possessiveness, I translated all these signs to mean he loves me, until the day he showed me what he truly was, I could see the “shebi we told you” look on his friends. Thank God I had enough sense to walk after that first time and I’ve been wiser for it, now I ask serious questions before committing to anyone, can’t afford mistakes mbok, e too cost.

  37. Que

    July 14, 2015 at 12:03 pm

    HAHAHhHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA…[email protected] the closing paragraph…..#betterwinshmatters!

    For me it was quite hard asking hard questions and confronting necessary issues cos I wasnt even sure what I wanted from dating….. Now that I am more in control of my life, I find that I ask without even planning it sef… my current bf says I know well how to catch him off guard with my questions…. like we can literally be gisting and watching a movie, then I remember a question and I will drop it… I never go the ‘babe we need to talk route…’ mba!

    Nothing is off limits… family o, money, life goals, sex n sexual health, future children, down to where i would ideally like to live and experiences I would like to have….I tell d good, d vain, d unclear and everything inbetween, as I know and want, and I expect same……. I made it plain from the beginning that transparency is crucial for me…. I like knowing what I am dealing with…. I can handle n prep for most things, if I am aware, and if I decide to accept your baggage thats it…..we going there… but where we start doing them ‘after the facts’ discovery, then we go get problem!

    But also bear in mind there is often a difference between who/what people say they are, and who life reveals them to be…. thats why after asking everything wey dey ya belle, you must keep ya eyes, ears, senses and spiritual mind open….. cos no be everything flesh and blood dey reveal… After he says, what does he DO?…. eventually people will often settle into their ‘normal’ patterns, thats when you begin to know what you’re dealing with and thats when u must decide if to stay or go… I am currently in this phase, and as usual I have raised my concerns, stated clearly what’s important to me, and thrown out my questions again…… while things are unfolding, I have positioned myself for the possibility that this is the end….cos what I seek is a deal breaker for me… the point is, no be everything you go see from front!

    I have no time to consult spiritual seer, cos I know my spiritual investment can’t be in vain…. I trust my God, my dreams and instincts, and I also trust my mother’s instincts when she does point out something….it has saved us all as a family in my experience and it would be foolish to ignore if she has something to say.. cos she usually is d coolest person ever, so when she raises flags, we pay attention. As for sending people to his village, if them wan go I wont stop them as long as nobody is tying me into such journey, and I will still decide based on the earlier guides I’ve mentioned.

    Cheers people!

  38. I do confirmation

    July 14, 2015 at 12:17 pm

    Well, Am AS too,. My fear for sickle cell children is so grave that I don’t only ask my boyfriends their genotype, I take them to an hospital of my choice and pay for blood group, genotype, HIV test.. I wait for the results and confirm with my two eyes. Well luckily, none of them had lied about their genotype, regardless I can’t take any chances. When I tell my friends, they tell me dt I have trust issues and I am a psycho. My fellow bellanaijarians, am I doing too much?

    • AAsh

      July 14, 2015 at 2:58 pm

      Please don’t take chances Ooooo; …….Better to tread on the path of caution; All the best!!!

    • Magz

      July 15, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      Please you are not doing too much. I did my IT at UCH, Ibadan and i saw the agony SS patients could go through. I am AS too and i do not joke with the genotype question. It’s not even a first date question, it is a first chat question. Once i know that you’re someone i can fall in love with, oya oga what is your genotype? I cannot shout mbok! Blood group is also very important.

    • anonymous

      September 26, 2015 at 1:21 pm

      Can I get your email address please?

  39. chee

    July 14, 2015 at 12:18 pm

    Isio doesn’t fail to deliver!! As for d genotype, HIV, liver and kidney function things,my papa no send u oo,immediately u guys agree to get married,he’ll summon u both and off u are to a good hospital of his choice to get tested and avoid stories that touch! As for d person saying that all Isio talks about is r/ships,dont read and learn inugo, dey there dey decieve yourself and no wise up,but no come SDK blog one day to write ur own chronicles cos I no go get ur time!

  40. Sha sha

    July 14, 2015 at 12:37 pm

    I stalked my boo boo(who isn’t a social media person)’s twitter,he had only one follower so I opened her page. Lo and behold the avi was boo boo and a baby boy playing father and son. I asked him about the son,he never hesperrerit…..the end

    • Desert Rainbow

      July 17, 2015 at 10:02 pm

      Chiokike le! This life is just a pot of beans eziokwu!

  41. Priscy

    July 14, 2015 at 12:41 pm

    Isio always drops it hot

    DId a background check on one man who came to ask for my hand in marriage
    He was rushing me for no reason and wanted to be married in one month. I said, “Oga, no vex o, I only know your name”
    He claimed he was married before and his wife left him when things were down
    I just went to his facebook profile and snooped
    That is all the background check I needed
    He thought his display of wealth would sway me….mbanu + niggur was so stingy sef

  42. ednutey

    July 14, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Isio,nice write-up as usual,but girl!!!who is interpreting yoruba for u?

    “Miowayemoya” means I dont take life hard or I take life lightly,or literally I don’t grab the world to my chest like i want to die,Lol

    Your interpretation is the yoruba word for Miowaye wa jiya.

    Dont mind me, I had a B3 in yoruba,so im just flexing my interpretation skills,but by the way, ur article is always something to look forward to.Thumbs Up Girlie

    • Na so

      July 17, 2015 at 11:19 pm

      Either that or that or the person who writes for her forgot she’s not yoruba.

      Ooooops did i spill that?

    • cos i say so

      August 13, 2015 at 9:53 am

      its official… the day i meet Isio, im goin to be awestruck
      err she said “LOOSELY” interpreted as… emphasis on LOOSELY

  43. TA

    July 14, 2015 at 1:55 pm

    In addition to family checks et al, add online checks i. e Facebook, Linkedin etc etc. Sometimes, a person’s Facebook post or picture tells a story that may be good or bad… These checks are very necessary ESPECIALLY if you intend to marry the other person

  44. Cat eyes

    July 14, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Background checks, family checks, every check is important. When i met my husband the first thing he said to me is ‘i cannot be with anyone who does not love God’, mehn me that have been praying for a God-fearing man, i thought this is it and he is handsome and from a great family what else do i need, so i thought no need for checks. A week to our wedding my aunty asks me if checked his blood type, what a week before the d-day?? Anyway thank God it was alright on that front and our babies are beautiful and healthy. However, mehn my hubby be tiring me out with spiritual battle things, every person is a witch, out to get him, anything that happens even if one of the kids sneezes he’s up praying, some prayers i cannot distinguish if its praying or swearing. I guess many will say i have a perfect hubby as he is good looking, caring, loving to the kids, never goes out (i have to beg him to come to a party or even to go see a film) if you ask the kids where is daddy its ‘work or church’, but when you have a partner who sees every things as spiritual and keep you up praying over things you know are not there it is just so tiring. I put it down to him being from a polygamous family and having to fight spiritually growing up but mehn it is not fun. Am not sure if i will have backtracked on marrying him if i knew all these as the family i know from him are wonderful (his step bros and sis) but the family i then got to know after the wedding, his mom and some of his own siblings are a different story. Did i mention that after we married my handsome hubby who met me in tight jeans and said he saw an angel when he first saw me decided that i had to follow the doctrine of his church which is to ‘not wear trouser, do my hair, i should have afro hair, now weave, relaxer, no earring or makeup’, me a young lady that you met and fell in love with and did not say this will be the requirement or even tell me you belonged to a church like that, you must be having a laugh. Anyway it is well, i have never commented but felt i had to on this post. I guess we can never check or know it all neither can we envisage what will happen or come up in the future, only God can see one through…

    • chee

      July 14, 2015 at 2:54 pm

      This is something I forgot to add,no matter how well u snoop,u can’t know it all,some will unfold after marriage and u all remember that people change so all in all,cling to God but still do ur home work!

  45. ACE

    July 14, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Isio sure knows better! nice one, I like to ask as well toooooo

  46. divea

    July 14, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    It is necessary to do background checks to avoid stories that touch.

  47. Nikky

    July 14, 2015 at 3:18 pm

    I was not even trying to do background check on this one guy I was seeing. I’ve known him all my life, we went to the same nursery, primary and secondary school. We pretty much grew up together, I could talk to him about any and everything,
    We were talking about a woman’s right to her body and we were on the same page until he said that a married woman has no right to her body. WHAT???, so what if she does not want to have sex and her husband does? His answer was “a woman whose bride price has been paid has no claim to her body, it belongs to her husband”. He went ahead to claim that it is culturally justified, even his brother and uncles have talked to him about it. Any contrary opinion is an invention by the west. I was so shaken by what he said, I felt like I was looking and talking to a stranger.
    What I found out about myself that day is that I could go from really liking someone to really hating. Suffice to say we broke up and our friendship is almost nonexistent.
    Since this happened I’ve made it a point to ask this particular question when relationships starts getting serious. I can’t imaging being ignorant to a potential husbands view on this issue and getting the shock of my life after marriage.

  48. Orumo Ejovwo Tessy

    July 14, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    its really good to ask oh every one get past i swear we all have shits

  49. Orumo Ejovwo Tessy

    July 14, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Well said its really good to ask everyone has past

  50. MC

    July 14, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    Question!
    Is it because health care in nigeria is bad that asking for genotype is the norm?
    Until I started visiting Nigerian blogs I had never ever ever heard of people seeking genotypes.
    (And yes, I do know people with sickle cell)

    • Not true

      July 14, 2015 at 6:33 pm

      Uhh don’t know where you live but my Reproductive Endocrinologist referred husband and I to a Genetic Counselor AND Maternal and Fetal Medicine specialist because I am AS. I also have Anti-Kell antibodies which could result in an anaemic foetus if my husband is Kell positive. SO it’s a very important conversation between doctors and patients of African and Asian descent in particular.

    • Spanish Guitar

      July 14, 2015 at 11:20 pm

      Are you sure you know anyone with sickle cell anaemia? If you do and if you have cared for one during a crisis, you wouldn’t be asking that question surely. Good Health care DOES NOT erase the acute pains, agonies and memories of a little child during a crisis period.

    • MC

      July 15, 2015 at 9:49 am

      Yes I am sure.
      And why would that change my question????
      Where I am from it is not the norm to ask about genotypes.
      I am not saying that it shoudn’t be asked.
      I am almost 30 years old and have never heard of people asking potential partners this….so I ask again…why is asking of genotype such a big thing in Nigeria (according to what you have said, it is not because of the standard of health care)?

  51. Miss Pee

    July 14, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    Isio you gat me here, I’ll ask and ask and ask and ask until I die ooh, because I can’t afford to here any chinchinckojun talk ooh, I just ended a one month relationship today and I’m so happy with myself no sex nada and I’m so glad the fault is from the guy. So bye bye Sucre it was nice knowing n sharing my one month with you. Mbok, I can’t fit to shout.

  52. NaijaPikin

    July 14, 2015 at 5:30 pm

    In yankee, police records are public info. Loads of states have online searches where you can scope out pples records. Omo i wont lie i have used this to do background oh. Lets just say some naija fresh boys have some dark pasts.

    Me i just waka pass no answer phone again.

  53. natty

    July 14, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    i employ the ho ha method and google checks. Like one guy that was feeling sharp lied he wasn’t on any social media, i did my checks didn’t find him. I would listen to him talk about his family, till i used some google tricks and found info on him, from the first page on google i just ran and broke up with him.
    Apparently, i’m good at background checks cos a friend recently begged me to dig info on her fiance

  54. jennie obi

    July 14, 2015 at 6:52 pm

    You nailed it Isio, background check is very important, I just ended my relationship to a guy I would have swore was 100% faithful to me, my cousin brother asked me to do a background check+ a phone check on him and till now am still shocked at the kinda person I was about settling down with, I never knew I was with a big time liar ,womanizer and pretender, thank goodness I found out before walking down the aisle with him, henceforth,background check no ni before even anything oooo

  55. jennie obi

    July 14, 2015 at 6:53 pm

    *he

  56. babygiwa

    July 14, 2015 at 9:14 pm

    Isio, thank you o. That genotype ish is not to be toyed with at all. My late sister was ss and I know what she went through. May her beautiful soul continue to rest in peace, amen. I know what my brother also went through recently but I thank God for his mercies and lovingkindness. So, how can I go ahead and not be worried when an AS brother doesn’t want to allow me rest. I told him i am AS too but he has been telling me stories that touch. This article just strengthened my resolve once again, no need to waste time since it is not going anywhere.
    And when it comes to doing other background checks, I am MI6 and James Bond’s secretary, Manny Penny. Hot undercover skills. Lool.
    It is still well.

    • Hmm

      July 15, 2015 at 1:20 am

      If you have 1.5 million, PGD is available and allows you to have AA kids only.

  57. Cecilia

    July 14, 2015 at 10:32 pm

    The background check is necessary before marriage as it helps to see in advance some of the areas you are stepping into not every thing as there are some people with PHD in deciving others wether you use the ho ha method or not. But watch for body language response to questions and his reactions when he is happy, sad or angry. Same to the male on their girls. Throw to him or her direct questions and shine your eyes to see tell tale signs. Biko leave the rest to God He is the only one that knows the unknown.

  58. Cecilia

    July 14, 2015 at 10:58 pm

    II endose Background checks in any form. Isio doh ooo. Eyen Bellanaija post my coment. You often do not do that. Abi you dey vex for your blog reader ? Plse change o before i change. Emmmm i nor want change so post my comment.

  59. nnenne

    July 15, 2015 at 12:32 am

    Isio, how did you get to know about ” Ho Ha?”
    It’s An Igbo expression , especially in the contest it was used.
    You are a real Naija woman.

  60. ibkgeorge

    July 15, 2015 at 5:18 am

    I’m the Queen of Background checks o.Especially in this America where you don’t know who is who.My background checks saves me lot of heartache.issh!

  61. Sha

    July 15, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    Do not be naive! do background checks, i did one on my ex, Took his ID number entered it into the home Affairs data base only to find out he is married and that was it.
    btw, i am South African. marriage status checks are free for all to see online.

  62. amaria

    July 15, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Even in the u.k people ask after genotype oh, let no man be deceived. Taking care of a sickler is never easy no matter how great the health care system is. If the possibility of having a child with the disease exists, I think I deserve to know mbok.

  63. Just another girl

    July 15, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    To the person asking why the genotype question is asked….that is because the prevalence of sickel cell in Africa is highest in West Africa. Because of this the population is more informed and take more precautions . Just like when HIV was highest in East and Southern African the populations there were more informed and many more people voluntarily got tested than their West African counterparts. Same with a disease like Malaria populations where the prevalence is higher are more informed on causes, prevention and treatment than where it is not or almost non existant

  64. iJo

    July 16, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Hahahahahahaha! Kai! This article has me in S*T*I*T*C*H*E*S I swear. In my head, you are bestest gist buddy. Your friends are lucky are lucky to have you walahi. Back to the matter, I totally agree that background checks are necessary o. Let me not talk too much but this is all I’d say: if I had done my own background checks, I for no marry the pesin wey I marry. EOD!

  65. Blackbeauty

    July 16, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Which one is, “Where do you see this love positioned in the global community of homosapienic technological advancement and economic reforms maritially, culturally, mentally, spiritually and financially – and how best do you intend to position our descendants to the tenth generation – in these in the next five, ten and fifteen years?
    I haven’t stopped laughing. OMG, Isio you are a genius. Mwah! Going to ask the boo this.

  66. Blackbeauty

    July 16, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    Were you born a man/woman, as it applies. Ask to see baby pictures.
    If having your spouse help with chores is important to you, please ask o! Don’t assume that because he cleans up after you’re done cooking presently, that he will continue to do so.

  67. Nero

    July 21, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    Isio today is Tuesday ooo *abi she has forgotten ni* *or ma the holiday cause dis confusion?

  68. Nero

    July 21, 2015 at 8:37 pm

    *na

  69. whipped

    July 21, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Checks shld be an ongoing event. I dated this guy for almost 2yrs.. i asked d necessary questions…..gentleman,supposedly God fearing…as in we can talk to each other just wit our eyes…..u get d connection…it was almost perfect. Only for dude to go get married on a weekend he said he was going on a biz trip with his oga… Found out on social media! 2wks after d event..dude was still very much in touch..was at his place a wèek b4 d wedding……a day b4 d weddg we still talkin…after d wedding it was still normal activity professing love until i called him out on it. And d new wife doesnt even knw wat she is in…D worst is to have an unfaithful husby.
    Pls continue checking pple just aint loyal..

  70. dee

    July 22, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    background check NOW!!!

  71. Fred Summers

    July 23, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    I think that it is important to have good to have that sort of background check. I think that making sure you really know the person you are trusting is vital. Thanks for the information.

  72. Ashaby

    July 28, 2015 at 8:54 am

    “Where do you see this love positioned in the global community of homosapienic technological advancement and economic reforms maritially, culturally, mentally, spiritually and financially – and how best do you intend to position our descendants to the tenth generation – in these in the next five, ten and fifteen years?”
    Na hot slap go follow this question I swear. when we are not writing thesaurus lol

  73. Pseudosab

    July 30, 2015 at 10:55 am

    So isio hasn’t written anything for the second consecutive week without notice and bellanaija is acting like nothing happened abi?….DiarisGodo..!!

  74. tf

    August 4, 2015 at 11:17 am

    Isio. where are you???????????????????????????

  75. divea

    August 10, 2015 at 11:30 am

    I have asked myself plenty times…where is isio? Every Tuesday i check in and still find nothing. Please wherever you are, please come back oooo. I’m missing you and your write ups

  76. chee

    August 18, 2015 at 9:33 pm

    BN!!!!, BRING BACK ISIO,I Take OGHENE BEG UNa!!!

  77. Sirius

    December 11, 2015 at 11:18 am

    OMG!!! I laughed so hard reading this!! So true though. Really love your style of writing

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