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Tolu Falode: Forgive & Forget

Tolu Falode

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Learning to forgive and forget is never easy but it is possible to achieve. When you allow yourself to be free from every situation that has inhibited you in your life, you essentially release yourself from people and pressure. This is important to enable you to forgive and crucially to forget.

When you forgive someone that has offended you, stress leaves your system. As a result, you function at a positive pace with a more relaxed mindset.

Forgiveness is for yourself: it is not for the other person.

Some people fail to digest this information.

Firstly, how is the person going to benefit from your grudge?

Imagine your lack of forgiveness is a boulder. How do you intend someone else to feel the weight of that boulder? You carry that weight; hence you drag yourself down.

As a result, it becomes harder to move forward as time passes because you have become attached to the boulder. You have begun to nurture and nourish it-it has effectively become a part of your life.

This is the same attitude we have when we fail to forgive someone. You are carrying a burden while the other person is walking freely. Your lack of forgiveness does not in any way hinder that person’s progress.

The only one standing still with that weight is you.

Hence it is advisable to forgive.

How do you forgive when someone has hurt and scarred you deeply? How do you let yourself move past the pain and heal from the wounds of an emotional attack?

These are some steps I believe will enable you to release yourself from your own mental and emotional stagnation.
Firstly, admit: Admit that you have been hurt, admit that you are in pain, admit that you are angry. Admit all and every level of emotional distress you feel towards the party that has caused you offence.

In admitting the scar, you have accepted the pain. This is the next step.

In accepting the level of hurt you have been exposed to, you have given yourself permission to move past it.

You have given yourself permission to move forward.

This means you have begun the process of acknowledgment.

In acknowledging the hurt, you have spoken to your pain. You have stripped it of its power over your life and your position. This is because you have confronted it. Hence the pain no longer has power over your decisions.

Now, you have dropped the boulder of lack of forgiveness because you no longer have reason to hold on to it.

These points are important.

In going through each stage, you stop your steps from falling back into the potential to experience a sudden bout of resentment hit you again.

When you have acknowledged the hurt you have suffered, and thus confronted the pain you have been dealt, you can now forgive.

And this will enable you to forget.

How?

When you forgive someone for hurting you, the position they held has been stripped of power over your life. No longer do they dictate your decisions or your actions because they no longer hold any iota of importance in your day-to-day activities.

Hence because they have lost their importance, they no longer hold significance in your life. And you do not acknowledge anything or anyone that holds no significance in your life.

This is why the stages of forgiveness are crucial.

In going through each step, you acknowledge the pain has cost you progress and hence you strip it of its dominion and ability to distract you from your life.

When you have reached this stage of confronting the pain and graduated to a level of releasing it through forgiveness, you have essentially begun the steps needed to forget.

This is because your actions and your words no longer reflect your pain because you have given yourself permission to heal.

Hence, instead of masking a festering wound, which causes more pain over time, you have chosen to pay attention to it. And as a result, you have given it a chance to heal.

And as it heals, you begin to forget the injury because it begins to hurt less and less and less.

This is the same metaphor that can be used for forgiveness. When you acknowledge the pain you have suffered, you have started to tend to it by going through the stages outlined above. And hence you naturally begin to forget because you have begun to heal.

These tips will enable you to forgive and more importantly to forget whatever hurt you have suffered. As you go through this process, you will begin to move forward and live the life you truly deserve!

Allow yourself to experience each stage to ease the process of healing and you will move towards a life that is free of the burden of lack of forgiveness and the boundaries it creates in blocking your progress.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Atholpady

Tolu Falode is a Christian Teacher and Relationship Coach. She helps the heartbroken heal through discussions on love, faith and finance on www.tolufalode.com.She also shares tips on: Instagram: fantheflame Facebook Group: The Love Triangle Youtube: Tolu Falode Audio: https://soundcloud.com/tolufalodeEmail: [email protected]

11 Comments

  1. yellow sisi

    July 29, 2015 at 11:56 am

    In some cases,to forgive is very easy but to forget is hard.

  2. Judge judy

    July 29, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    it is right to forgive. but saying that one should forget is like forcing a person to have amnesia.
    we are human beings and as such we are created to have memories, both good and bad, it is impossible to forget that someone hurt you just as much as it impossible to forget when someone bought you a car for your birthday.
    so my dear much as i agree on the need to forgive and move on, i do not think that forgetting is something that one can just decide to do.
    besides, if we forget, how can we avoid similar events from taking place?

  3. J

    July 29, 2015 at 2:19 pm

    Im trying to forgive some people in my life and its HARD!! One day i forgive, the next hour of that same day, im awash with so much hatred and resentment. I pray for the grace not to wish them bad as I cant do them strong thing in retaliation. The truth is, these ones that have hurt me, I wouldnt think of hurting them like they have.
    I have realised that many will hurt you and assume an apology should suffice. Even for a pre-meditated offense.
    On the other hand, enough of these forgive and forget articles and sermons!!! Somebody, anybody write one on how not to offend your fellow human beings!!!!!!
    That should come in useful.

    • Minka

      July 30, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      It’s the way of the world, unfortunately. We are humans and infallible. It’s a process and it sure takes time, It comes in phases and we’ll let go eventually. When faced with such situations, I turn to God and think of all the wrong I’ve done and how He’s forgiven me countless times even when I feel I don’t deserve to be pardoned. Forgiveness surely brings healing and liberation.

  4. Anon

    July 29, 2015 at 2:33 pm

    How do u forgive someone dat hurt u so bad and doesn’t give a damn?
    I’m 19, fresh outta University and pregnant! The pregnancy I know is shared blame. I met dis guy, I don’t date married men, so my first question was are u married? He said last relationship ended cuz of distance due to his job. Throughout d relationship he never gave me reason to suspect. On hearing of the pregnancy at first he said he’ll come so we’d iron things out. Den he stopped pickin my calls. This Monday I found out he’s married with a daughter, and over d weekend while I. tried reachin him he was in Imo state wit his wife for a wedding. Tried reaching him wit oda numbers he’d pick and would drop d call once he heard my voice or d pregnancy! I’ve gotten details on the wife &daughter my friends are telling me to tell his wife and his family. The pregnancy is a high risk pregnancy cuz I have serious health issues dat he’s aware of. I don’t want to wreck anyone’s marriage. But to think he’d lie to me and den abandon me knowin dat wit out proper care I could lose my life makes me mad. He’s facebook quote says revenge is a dish best served cold. I believe d same. He doesn’t even care dat I could tell his wife or I could die, he simply doesn’t care.
    And someone will tell me to forgive and forget!

    • EllesarisEllendil

      July 29, 2015 at 3:54 pm

      Don’t forgive, don’t forget but please I’m on my knees here. Try to keep the child, you won’t regret it. BTW your picture is showing, “Anon”.

    • Minka

      July 30, 2015 at 12:58 pm

      I know you feel very hurt and I am sad this has happened to you. It’s obvious you need help, do let me know if you are willing to meet up over this matter. In the mean time, do not take any decision that will put you in more danger. Your safety and that of the baby’s should be your priority now.

  5. angela

    July 29, 2015 at 3:25 pm

    when i was 13.i was staying with my aunty who promise to put me in school,but instead force me into a relationship with an older guy.she threw me out of her house and force me to go leave with the guy at his house because he complaint to her i wasn’t allowing him sex.she beat me and told me to go leave me him.he took my virginity and constantly beat me everynite until i’m weak before having sex with me.and this lasted for a year and half until one day i got the strength to run away.every life b.s was down hill from there.i’m 26 now and i never got over it.sometime i just cry or just snap at my b/f of 2years now not to touch me for sex when memories hit me.would i like to forget that experience?”yes'”do i still feel hurt when i think about it?”yeah.sometimes”but memories are part of life,be the beauty of it or the ugliest of it.we can’t chose to forget anything.unfortunately that is not in our control.but we can chose to leave the past where it belong.so let’s just leave it at forgiving.cause that is what we have control over.

  6. Mel E

    July 29, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    i have realised that it is possible to forget. I fell out a few years ago with my best friend. she was going through a very bad break up and was using me as a punching bag and one i decided to stop taking the punches and try to help her see reason with some tough love, she got mad and said some really mean things to me and then stopped talking to me. i got angry too at this point. after a few months i decided to let it go and reached out to her but she wasn’t interested. Fast forward a few year later and i ran into an old mutual friend who asked me about her and i realised then i had not only forgiven her but also forgotten the wrong she did back then. This old friend was the one who actually reminded me of what happened back then.

    • Judge judy

      July 31, 2015 at 2:31 pm

      At least u still remembered that she did you wrong at some point.
      and that is exactly my point, when you forgive totally, your heart releases the person and you become free from the hurt or pain. you move on. you don’t think about it everyday but it is somewhere etched in your memory whether u like it or not.
      another reason you think you forgot is because u both stopped communication, and the thought easily came up when someone asked you about her
      forgiveness…. total and complete forgiveness is possible but to forget is not part of it.

  7. Nkechi

    July 30, 2015 at 11:02 pm

    It’s quite interesting. We hurt other people also don’t we. Why are we more merciful on ourselves and merciless on others. Asking questions help us make progress in life. Firstly, if you don’t forgive or forget, what extra success or progress will lack of forgiveness do. What if you get depressed or miserable and something really bad happens to you in the process. Don’ you love yourself, heart and well being enough to disengage in minuses and engage in pluses. Not forgiving is a minus. I have always learnt from Jesus who asked the father to forgive those who killed him, that cross was serious public shame and embarrassment but beyond the cross there was glory. Right now, He is sited at the right hand of the Father, a position he is worthy of, he deserved that position no be free gift. So please forgive and ask God for wisdom and help. A lot of people think their lives will not shine again because someone messed up. Start with God and He will begin to give you strategies and can help you recover lost time but when you waste time being angry, you waste life. My aunty made a mistake, got pregnant in school, She is now happily married to a single man and has two children. Her mum is a prayer warrior who also advised her never to hide the child from suitors. Let’s look at forgiveness through he eye of God and it doesn’t mean you have to be as close to he person as you were but let it go. It is not easy just like most good things in life are not but do it for God and you, you will be surprised that the Glory will shine again. If you want God to forgive your own sins, you need forgive another.

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