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Aunty Bella: Miss. Pregnant & Abandoned by a Married Man

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dreamstime_s_32895907Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers.

A BN reader left this message in the comments section on one of the posts published today. We decided to share it. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

***

I’m 19, fresh out of university and pregnant!

The pregnancy I know is shared blame. I met this guy – I don’t date married men, so my first question was, “are you married?” He said his last relationship ended because of distance due to his job.

Throughout the relationship he never gave me a reason to suspect him. When he heard of the pregnancy at first he said he’ll come to see me so we’d iron things out… then he stopped picking my calls. This Monday I found out he’s married with a daughter, and over the weekend when I tried reaching him, he was in Imo state with his wife for a wedding.

I also tried reaching him with other numbers. He’d pick and would drop the call once he heard my voice or  about the pregnancy!

I’ve gotten details on his wife & daughter my friends are telling me to tell his family. The pregnancy is a high risk pregnancy because I have serious health issues that he’s aware of. I don’t want to wreck anyone’s marriage. But to think he’d lie to me and then abandon me, knowing that without proper care I could lose my life makes me mad.

His Facebook quote says, ‘revenge is a dish best served cold’. I believe the same. He doesn’t even care that I could tell his wife or I could die, he simply doesn’t care.

And someone will tell me to forgive and forget!

What do I do?

Photo Credit: Michaeljung | Dreamstime.com

166 Comments

  1. justdeywakapass

    July 29, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    NEXT TIME, USE CONDOM.

    • Osaretin

      July 30, 2015 at 12:21 am

      My dear, i don’t give a f what anyone says. You entered ‘one chance”. Everybody has entered one form of ‘one-chance’ or the other. iit not your fault if your story is true.
      pls go and terminate the pregnancy. (yes i mean it). i can recommend a good gynecologist that will handle u professionally. otherwise you raise a child on your own whether you are down with it or not.
      next time, dont sleep with a man till you are married to him (good and proper marriage)

    • Gina

      July 30, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      What should you do?
      You have 3 options, in all three one thing is important, you need to get the family involved (Yours and His).
      The three Options are;
      1. Abort (I DO NOT ADVISE that you take this route at all),
      2. keep the baby and you and your family care for the child,
      3. carry the baby to term and give the baby up for adoption.
      Since 1 is out I will focus on next steps for 2&3
      a) Decide whether you WANT (not CAN now) to keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption, If you want to keep the baby consider steps b downwards:
      If you want to give the child up for adoption follow steps b and c (also tell them about your decision and why). I must however caution that if you are convinced to keep the child by either grandparents you must get both verbal and written commitments of support both emotional and financial (with terms clearly agreed) for your child, anything less is not good for the child. Or else concentrate on looking for a loving home for the child, where the child will be properly cared for.
      It is not easy but the interest and welfare of the child must come FIRST
      b) Your next step is to inform your family of your situation (if you haven’t done so)
      c) You and your family meet with his family to let them know that their son has another child on the way (do not under any circumstance be delusional that it is going to be easy or that they are going to accept this)
      d) Give them time (four weeks at the MOST to discuss with their son and find a way to break it to their daughter in law) after that period go with your parents to inform the wife yourself. However be very clear about your intentions -you are not going there to try and steel her husband from her or be the second wife – you just want her to know that her child has a sibling somewhere because of the future (extreme case: they don’t go and start incestuous relationship)
      e) Agree on what part the child’s father and his family will play in your child’s life (having at the back of your mind that no matter what the father or his family do now, the child has the right to want a relationship with them)

      Finally commit your decision and child into Gods hand

      All in All – HIS WIFE MUST KNOW WHAT HE HAS DONE – what she does with the information is now up to her.

      BE BRAVE DEAR GIRL

    • Minka

      July 30, 2015 at 3:19 pm

      Ladies, guard your privates right. That’s one pot of gold you never want to mess with; so susceptible to a lot of unworthy and unclean stuff (STDs, STIs BV etc..); delicate and precious! Treat it with a lot of dignity and care because most men out there don’t value it and can’t really be blamed because sometimes they get it cheap like gala. Know your worth!

    • omoz

      August 5, 2015 at 4:25 pm

      You have said it all…

  2. blueberry

    July 29, 2015 at 5:08 pm

    Leave revenge alone. Ask God for forgiveness. Then forgive yourself. After that, focus on yourself and pregnancy. Abortion is not a solution. Pray harder that you may not loose your sanity and baby. Just move ahead with your life and TRUST God to help you every step of the way. When you will look into your child’s eyes 10 years from now, you will not regret making the right decision. Everyone makes mistakes. Don’t just repeat them.

    • been there

      July 29, 2015 at 10:40 pm

      My dear, you did not say how many months pregnant you are? Are your family suPporting you? Revenge or not, pregnancy is hard and motherhood is harder. I’m 10years older than you, married with a 4month old and age does not prepare you for what lies ahead. I will sincerely like to support you with new baby items if you are in Lagos. Bellanaija please do you have her contact details? Or how can I reach her?

    • Me

      July 30, 2015 at 1:46 am

      Thats very thoughtful of you 🙂

    • Pee

      July 30, 2015 at 8:54 am

      Totally with you on this one @Been there.
      U need a good support system.

    • Hmmm

      July 30, 2015 at 10:24 am

      Truth be told, she’s not seeking advice about whether or not to keep the baby or marry the man in question. From what I read, she’s already made up her mind to terminate the pregnancy. What she is is a woman scorned and she is asking advice on how best to exact her pound of flesh. Should she tell the wife and get him in trouble or embarrass him at work? Young lady, I presume you do not want your parents to hear about this. Once you embark on either of the two, things will blow up so bad and spiral out of control. Your parents will definitely find out and worse, it’ll be gist everywhere. My advice, remove this belle and go lick your wounds quietly somewhere. The opportunity to extort small cash from the abaya may present itself. Use it but remember you went in with your eyes wide open. If it doesn’t, consider this a lesson learnt about men. Shikena!

  3. lilmama

    July 29, 2015 at 5:09 pm

    Inform your parents and his as well.Pray to God to see u thru the pregnancy!!!

    • Nkechi

      August 17, 2015 at 3:40 pm

      Please don’t terminate the belle o. The future can be scary with such a decision. Very scary honey. You made a mistake but don’t live in your mistakes o. Trust God to help you say the truth and move on. Many of your advisors are doing the same immorality by having sex outside marriage but they will condemn you because yours resulted in pregnancy. Please don’t terminate o, it is dangerous and the consequences may be worse than you kept the pregnancy. In fact at that point you will be wishing you kept the baby.

  4. Latifa

    July 29, 2015 at 5:11 pm

    So let me get this straight, you claim you didnt know he was married and he lied about it blah blah….. But allof a sudden u found out after you got pregnant that he is married. So why didn’t you activate this detective mode while u were dating him?? Anyways if he really lied about it and u were too in love to investigate then you should let his family know about it I’m tired if men thinking their sperm is a baby bulletproof. He is a very cruel human being.

    • AsakeAde

      August 24, 2015 at 12:17 pm

      Don’t mind all these girls jare ….I always tell them a married man will never leave his family for you. I remembered when I was pregnant and having complications , hubby been a freight forwarder met a new single custom babe . Babe was already loving up for a handsome man, she claimed she didn’t know he’s married cos his wedding band is bigger , hubby thought she knew and me the wife is more concerned wit my pregnancy . Close to 4 months I didn’t get close to hubby cos of pregnancy complication . Hubby and custom chick dey get close for whatsapp , I dey read their chats , I dey laugh them cos I’m more bothered about my health . At a point hubby travelled to go and check on our building for villa , babe offered to follow him, na so my guy feared for the vow we had , he promised not to cheat on me , and I believe him , moreso he knew I was going through pregnancy pains, na so my guy developed cold feet and explained to the girl for villa that he cant continue and that he loves his wife . the following week , I delivered our adorables . na so hubby take fashy the babe o . she claimed to be heartbroken , my guy warned her never to call him again ..now I see her chats begging my husband she doesn’t mind , and I delete it , for 2 months they are always dragging ” I sent u a chat, u didn’t reply ” hubby be like ” I didn’t see ur chats , you are getting too troublesome even when theres nothing between us , my wife has never given me this much trouble ” anytime I see her “hello” I reply her telling her my wife is around and then delete it …since I didn’t ask hubby , he never suspected I know anything about them or I’ve been the one replying her . He only confessed he was almost tempted during my pregnancy and I told him I forgive him with a good sex .
      I keep saying girls pray for your own man , a reasonable , God-fearing or any qualities you wished for in a man who is married will NEVER leave his family for you . If you like report to his wife , she will forgive her husband , his family will even praise him for scoring cheap goals outside so na you loose . Only karma , and am sure if he repents and ask God for Forgiveness, karma will chill . So you lost.

  5. Niola

    July 29, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Preamble:Okay when advising this young girl, please people lets not cry over spilt milk, she has accepted her blame now lets move on
    Darling, you need to find a way to contact his relatives, yes he must be held responsible for his actions, you should not have to deal with this on your own. This is not revenge, this is simply what you have to do………….Do you have family and friends you can trust? tell them , you will need all the support you can get. It will be hard, very hard, but this shall pass I can almost promise

  6. Mrs X

    July 29, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    my dear considering your health, abortion should not be an option. contact his family if he still acts stubborn. let them knw the devil they live with.
    this is total bs. very inhumane and insane

  7. The girl who flies planes & eats jollof rice

    July 29, 2015 at 5:16 pm

    Welcome to the world of Nigerian men!
    Chai!
    Chai!
    There is God O!
    He is evil, seek legal redress ala Ada Egbarin vs Vincent Obianodo!
    I am catholic and i do not subscribe to abortion- if you can knack raw you can also keep the baby. You have health issues & still knacked raw? Nne, na you biko! I bow!
    Make sure he pays. All the time you put into researching & investigating him after the deed was done could have been used before the relationship started. Meanwhile, i am not judgina!
    Keep the innocent baby!

  8. addu

    July 29, 2015 at 5:17 pm

    This matter needs to be handled with delicacy because of your condition. First and foremost I pray God will strength you and bring helpers of destiny on to you, and second I believe that since he lied and you now know he is married with a child. You definitely want to inform his family and also your family so they know how to go about this issue, just be prepared for both the worst and good. But know for with God nothing is impossible and God will take care of you.

  9. Koffie

    July 29, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    One chance

  10. La'Shonda Balogun

    July 29, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    First, before you can proceed, you need to figure out what you want: revenge, to inform his wife for her own sake, to get support from him, to have a relationship with him ??!!

    Personally, I would be inclined to tell his wife. Not to be vindictive but I don’t think its fair that this guy (he is not a ‘man’) can continue doing this to her and to other women.

    But just be aware that telling his wife doesn’t mean that he will suddenly take up his responsibility towards you or the child (quite the opposite!). I wish you well.

    Let this be a lesson to all of us. No ring, no ting! Marriage won’t necessarily prevent the man from cheating (clearly) but it will help to protect you if he does!

  11. Ada

    July 29, 2015 at 5:23 pm

    I think you should involve your family in this issue since he doesn’t care.He is protecting his marriage but kept you in a mess,he must clean the mess so next time he will padlock his prick.Ladies be careful how you open your legs.

  12. Alero

    July 29, 2015 at 5:25 pm

    Sweetheart, just take things easy. Have you informed your parents? You had better tell them, especially as your life is at stake, sort of. They would have proper wisdom to handle this.

    Please don’t listen to fellow juveniles like you; where were they when you and Mr Man were dating?

    Pregnancy isn’t death sentence. I hope you have learnt anyways. Abstain or use protection. One love babe.

  13. LotusFlower

    July 29, 2015 at 5:26 pm

    Honestly? Terminate the pregnancy – that is if you are okay with and can live with having an abortion. Once you do, move on with your life. He is a fool.

    • Pee

      July 30, 2015 at 8:51 am

      I dont quite agree with terminating the pregnancy. Ive been down that road. Once you do it, u will permanently live with the regret. It never goes away.
      I finished school @ 21, met a guy, honestly didnt knw he was married. Trust me did all the detective underG i could do. Go to his house, met his friends, even take me to his parents house in Opebi (i always insisted on waiting in the car cos i felt the relationship was to early to start meeting his folks. N he agreed), he’d come visit me @ my cuzns.
      Everything was fine until belle showed up!Gbam.
      Thats when by the next time i visited, all his wedding frames and pics he had taken off the wall in his place, suddenly reappeared! U see u can never know some1 well enough. Apparently, his Mrs had traveled out to go have their first baby!!!!
      I didnt even think twice about it, i terminated. he paid. learnt my lesson and moved on.
      5 years down the line, met my husband, told him about the preg i terminated… (Had to tell him – I’m one of those who bliv that if u really love someone u accept them as they are. No 1 is perfect)
      I’m married with two kids now 🙂

      My advice, dont terminate, its a tough call. Really tough as YOUR ENTIRE LIFE will change. Family, Friends, Lifestyle, name it….everything. But when u attend ur childs high school grad by the time ur in ur 30’s…. u’d be glad u didnt terminate.

      You dont wanna live with a lifetime of regrets of ‘had i knowns and what ifs’

      How can u be reached? Wouldnt mind being part of your support system.
      Cheers!

    • Nigerican

      July 30, 2015 at 8:09 pm

      Yah, the pain doesn’t go away, but now you have a happy life with your husband and two kids based on YOUR decision. Personally, I think none of us are in the position to tell her whether or not she should have an abortion. The truth is none of us will be there to see how all this plays out. Here’s what i think young lady, u need to really weigh your pro’s and con’s …will your family be supportive? Are you financially stable to have a child? Are you ready to love someone unconditionally, and forsake your own needs? A child is not a toy, once he/she is here, they are not going anywhere …they depend on you for love , attention, nourishment, and direction. Its alot and if u can do it, then please have your baby , because giving life is a great gift and a privilege. Forget about dude, he would have never helped out anyway, see he shipped his wife off to have a baby , while he stayed back and got u pregnant. Everything you do now, is for you and your baby. Make smart choices xxx

  14. Leah

    July 29, 2015 at 5:28 pm

    I don’t think telling his wife will really change anything since it is likely she knows her husband is a philanderer. Married men with something to loose do not go out having sex with other women without protection. His wife will stay with him, blame you for the affair and label herself a “strong and powerful woman”. On your part, I don’t know why any woman would have unprotected sex with a man she obviously knows very little about, and you even leave in the same Country. How does that happen? You could have or very well might have gotten more than just the pregnancy from it, have you never heard of STDs. I am not trying to judge you, just a little bit of tough love.
    Having said all that, take care of yourself and unborn child FIRST. If you have issues that might jeopardize your health, this is the last time to have a confrontation with a man and his wife. Rely on family and friends’ support now to get you and your child through delivery. When you are all clear health wise, then you seek wise counsel from smart people around you and also exploit legal options as well if any is available in Nigeria. For now, please take care of yourself and your unborn. Best Wishes.

  15. Mystique

    July 29, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    This is fast becoming a trend in Nigeria……married men lying everywhere. i”m sorry you have to go through this but please inform your parents and let them speak with him on how to shoulder the responsibilities that come with fathering a child. I wont judge you; please take care of yourself and the innocent life inside of you. You can have the baby and still accomplish all your dreams. God bless and strengthen you at this time. #nooneshouldplayGodhere

    • Mollybeth

      July 30, 2015 at 11:34 am

      @Mystique I agree with you 100% that she should tell her parents after all she is just 19 years old. As for the old foolish married man, forget about him and take your parents and others help and move on with your life. It is going to be difficult if you decide to keep the baby coupled with your poor health but trust me your future is brighter than today. Job 11 vs 13-19.

  16. A Real Nigerian

    July 29, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    Murder him?

  17. Austar

    July 29, 2015 at 5:31 pm

    You do realize that condoms are just 50naira right??? Well you should have used one.

  18. Person pikin

    July 29, 2015 at 5:34 pm

    Did you just say you don’t want to wreck anyone’s marriage? As in for someone who lied and deceived you? Oya na dey there.

  19. JUSTME

    July 29, 2015 at 5:37 pm

    In my father’s voice “A man who swallows a whole coconut has complete faith in his Anus”
    why does this petite voice in my head keep repeating you knew he was married? Because I have a friend that pretend to us that her boyfriend is single but the said boyfriends Facebook page is filled with his wife & children’s pictures and she is his friend on Facebook, so when she start my boyfriend…….. blah……… blah…….. na side eye I dey take look her. Girl, go face your demons.

  20. trudy

    July 29, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Please pay his family a visit jare! men these days. You’re not wrecking any home. If his home was not already wrecked, he wldnt have been sleeping around.

  21. segi

    July 29, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Ms. Nancy Drew, eerrrrmmmm why didn’t you commence on this investigative assignment before opening your laps. Strange not much thought or work is being put into knowing someone before getting down with them. Well here is my two Unsolicited cents, do not sour the future parental relationship with the father of your child by acting all bitter! Do you even have any grown folks around you that are aware of your situation? Confide in your parents, guardian or mentor and let them guide you on the appropriate steps to take. Good luck!

  22. Rose

    July 29, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    Baby girl ur situation is a perfect example of the quote “its complicated”…I have no words

  23. mimi

    July 29, 2015 at 5:48 pm

    Start with telling his wife.I wonder why men gets married knowing fully well that theve not left some habit

  24. naijababe

    July 29, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    You should definitely go to his wife but not a alone as that might be dangerous. Its not your fault because he lied to you and now the deed is done. So you go and see the wife with someone you know would have your back. I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy,

    • nnenne

      July 29, 2015 at 8:05 pm

      Tell the wife for what reason exactly?
      This is where I love my IGBO culture.If he is not married to you, you are not entitled to anything.
      That is our culture’s way of keeping these things in check.
      A woman will build her home and you will come from no where to inherit?
      Be wise girls, if you must have sex, protect yourself! It could be more than pregnancy!

    • Iris

      July 29, 2015 at 8:16 pm

      Which Igbo culture? The same one i was born into? As far as I know the side chick not being entitled to anything has not stopped them from sleeping with married men and it hasn’t stopped the married men from being stupid spineless whores. In fact, if the wife doesn’t have children, and the man is from one of those stereotypical families, doesn’t the side piece sometimes take precedence? Abeg o, Igbo culture hasn’t helped anyone except dishonest and promiscuous men and the desperate and pathetic women who spread for them like butter on warm bread.

    • Nahum

      July 29, 2015 at 8:48 pm

      You are the only one here with sense. Tell his wife for what? Listen girl, there is no way he will leave his wife to marry you; telling his wife will make him hate you and your child. My advice, ignore all the silly comments advising you to tell his wife, it will get you nowhere. Instead, tell your parents, have your baby, go back to school and get a job. If you can, use the courts to get child support from him, but know this, his wife was not there when you were happily shagging her husband, why involve her now that he has abandoned you?? This is between you and the philanderer. Keep the poor wife out of the stupid mess you and this man created.

    • anon

      August 7, 2015 at 7:53 pm

      i doubt the idea behind telling the wife is cos of some property ish.. that’s quite shallow. The wife desrves to know. .. i don’t think that needs further explanation to mature minds, so if you don’t understand, please just disregard the whole comment. ~no offence~

    • Yetunde

      July 30, 2015 at 9:02 am

      Go and meet the wife for what now? was she there when you people where knacking raw, please go and look for your baby father and sort out your issues. The husband should tell the wife himself that he couldn’t control himself

  25. Bia

    July 29, 2015 at 6:08 pm

    Eyahh..you entered one chance.
    Some men are evil.
    sorry dear

  26. Abena

    July 29, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    hahahaha,Its 5pm where I am… I am going home,tomorrow if Jehovah permits and i get to work,i know this particular article would be loaded with comments…

    I cant wait ooo

  27. deedee

    July 29, 2015 at 6:11 pm

    Oh boi!!!

  28. Amh

    July 29, 2015 at 6:15 pm

    Why would he care. You knew he is married and purposely went for him. Go tell his wife. She will beat you black and pink. You think she will leave her hubby for a little lightskirt like you. Or you think he will leave his wife for you. Na ur cross carry it alone. Next time close your legs to married men. No one needs baggage. Arnt you supposed to face your studies instead of dick hunting. Mtcheew.

    • Carliforniabawlar

      July 29, 2015 at 9:06 pm

      You can’t read oh!
      1. she didn’t know he was married
      2. She graduated uni already.

      Common brah! the whole feature was just about a paragraph long…you could have attempted to read it. I assume you didn’t read ‘cos I truly want to retain whatever faith I have in humanity to believe you wouldn’t be so dense as to not comprehend this simple article. shiiiii
      Useless angry women who settled for useless husbands and are now misdirecting their anger gbogbo….yeye dey smell!!

    • ifeoma

      July 30, 2015 at 7:38 am

      Ermmm, she didn’t know he was married.

  29. ethel

    July 29, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    hmmmm..wish i have a better advice for you.telling his wife mite not really takecare of your problems.some men can be more dangerous than you may think.with the way you have describe this guy he seem kind of wicked and heartless to me and i fear what men like that are capable of if they think you are a threat.if it where to be the western world i’m sure they are places you can go that would force him to takecare of the baby.but here in africa it’s different.this is what i can tell you,if you know his parents,you can meet them and tell them your situation..you should go with your own parents.if his people are good people they will accept to atleast takecare of your medicals bills and the welfare of your child.but if they don’t then try and manage on your own,seek the help of your families and love once to help you tru this times.it won’t be easy but don’t take the easy way out that the devil will tell you to.you may have made a mistake but God won’t allow you to suffer beyond what you can bear.every morning you wake up it’s a sign to fight for one more day until the situation get better.you don’t know the future of that child.people have come out from the most strange and poorest places to be greater and richer men in life.goodluck to you and your unborn child.God be with you.Amen

  30. Gorgeous

    July 29, 2015 at 6:17 pm

    “Revenge is a dish best served cold ke”? You need to show your father and mother his picture. Ask them if they know him. So many people other’s have hurt and are looking for how to take revenge. You need to ask your parents because this story is so crazy considering he knows you have health issues.
    My dear, first go for a comprehensive health check up and decide if you want the pregnancy. If you have health complications you may either have to take the chance to keep it or get rid of it if it will cost you your life. Look first for male older family member’s of his to talk to him and his wife if you will keep it. last note, never take men at their word. So you just open unprotected for a man you clearly know nothing about? Maybe because he flashed around some money? No STD tests, nothing?
    Girls, love yourself, because at the end of the day, only you will bear the burden. Say NO and do not feel sorry or feel forced to give up your values. Good luck to you.

    • Carliforniabawlar

      July 29, 2015 at 9:09 pm

      I thought that was a little spooky and weird as well….but I dismissed it as a little too ‘Nollywoody’…lol.
      Anyways, if na so, then homegirl needs to go and find out what her generation did to this eefer to warrant him thinking bringing a child into this world is a punishment…hehehe! see how he take punish hinself.

  31. WORRINGOVEREVERYTHING.COM

    July 29, 2015 at 6:18 pm

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!! HHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

    SERVES YOU RIGHT!!

    HOLD BODY! MBANU! YOU PEOPLE SAY SEX IS FOOD, YOU MUST CHOP.

    OK NAH!! FINE!!

    BUT WHAT HAPPENED TO…….

    CONDOMS?
    WITHDRAWAL METHOD?
    POSTINOR?
    OR ANY OTHER EMERGENCY CONTRACEPTION?
    THE MONTHLY PILL?
    IUD?

    DEAR NAIJA LADIES. GET ENLIGHTENED UNLESS OYO IS YA CASE!!

    IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS!!!

    • nnenne

      July 29, 2015 at 8:10 pm

      No withdrawals please! Failure rate is very high plus you are still exposed to STIs/STDs.
      Long acting contraceptives, in combination with condom are more effective.

  32. Jo!

    July 29, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    Hayyyyyyy. Jesus!

  33. bitterlemon

    July 29, 2015 at 6:22 pm

    Ehh….girlfriend,you’re in hot water!!!
    Leave the man alone…forget about him!! I’m sure there’s an NGO in your area that cares for girls like you. Start a new life and forget about that son of a woman! I can assure that’s how 80% of today’s men act on receiving such news like as if they thought they dont function….just because it’s the woman that carries the evidence around! I’ve seen many girls pick themselves up from a similar ‘catastrophie’. BE STRONG FOR THE BABY GROWING INSIDE YOU

  34. LadyG

    July 29, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    Biko eating my abacha with Ugba, fish and coke to cool off today’s job stress Biko waiting for comments .

  35. Carliforniabawlar

    July 29, 2015 at 6:25 pm

    Mehn…water pass garri for this one o. Stop calling him…he’s just another useless man who won’t own up to his responsibilities…like never! oh or wait until you have a son that he needs 15yrs from now because his wife couldn’t have sons or all his kids died in a fire.
    What will he do if he picks up sef? Marry you? have you as a official side piece? Adopt you as his daughter? Apologize? Pay for an abortion? pay child support? It’s better he stays away sef….
    My dear, fashi his side and talk to your parents, have them take care of you. You say you’re high risk, so please take care.

    Belle is not the end of the world….at least you finished undergrad, albeit at 19…but you graduated! Give birth to your baby, dust your miniskirt and jump back into the dating pool….lol. You are young and don’t need that extra drama of dealing with a baby daddy if your family accepts the child. Just make sure you’re wiser going forward….I say no more more premarital sex…someone else will say no more unprotected sex….one way or the other, no more belle.

    I’m not sure about this and other people can either agree or disagree with me. Given that you are probably not going to marry him as his second wife, TELL HIS WIFE. If he’s going around having unprotected sex with females, she deserves to know. However, telling her is not for you or to embarrass him ( we all know what happens to Nigerian men that cheat, NOTHING!!), it’s for her so she can, if she will, protect herself from STDs.
    Beht since you really don’t know her, and you’re dealing with your own drama, it’s your prerogative to either tell her or nah.

    All the best with sorting things out with your family and hope you have a healthy pregnancy.

  36. Fasholaslover

    July 29, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    You wan die? The answer, l guess is NO. Ask Snr. members of your family to go and “ka mole” this weekend. Make sure his wife is around. I feel sorry for you and the wife. He has to accept responsibility. You should not be shamed for this pregnancy. But are you sure you apply due diligence? Did he introduce you to his friends, any family member, even if na one. How long did you go out for before you gbenshed without protection? If your hands are clean, go gangster on him with members of your family. That is the only language people like him understand.

  37. brown-ice

    July 29, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    Wow! Don’t wana sound judgemental but at 19, in this 2015, if you don’t know how to use a condom or at least use contraceptives after unprotected sex, then I don’t know what advice to give. You’re 19, fresh out of uni, you have your whole life ahead of you, if he isn’t gonna man up and take responsibility, wrecking his marriage won’t. You should really think if you want the baby with or without him and make your decision. Sorry I’m sounding cold.

  38. J

    July 29, 2015 at 6:37 pm

    Hope you have the morale support of your family ? Let a matured woman inform the wife and family. If he doesn’t provide for the child , let him be. Don’t curse him ok? Focus on developing yourself . Let Karma do her job . Best of luck dear. Safe delivery .

  39. Betty

    July 29, 2015 at 6:38 pm

    Girlfriend it’s so simply deal with d***head in anyway u can’t❗️Ladies in the house don’t chop my head off❗️

  40. Naveah

    July 29, 2015 at 6:45 pm

    I wish I could say I was sorry for you but I am not at all. At the tender age of 19, I don’t know why you would be having sex without protection if not so that you don’t get a disease but simply because at 19, you should have been thinking about your future prospects like finishing your college education, developing a career, building a life etc. You were not using your head, my friend. You are obviously a learner.

    So here you are, pregnant for a married man and asking yeye questions. Nne, if you indulge in grown folks activities then deal with the outcome like the grown folk you thought you were…before you went chooking somebody married or otherwise, you ask us? Now wey your chooking don land you in hot water, na now you wan ask question? Listen here girly, cry it out then wipe your face and prepare for single parenthood, okay?Unless you take the man to court and request child support…is that even possible in Naija or you might have to go the traditional route by having your family members see his family members about calling him to order but good luck with that since you can’t even reach him by phone and you don’t know one thing about this man except his many phone numbers.

    I hope your family will help you but this is the bed you made, you must lie on it. You will NOT be the first or the last to make this mistake. Remember, it is NOT how you start in life, it is how you finish. You can rise out of this and let’s hope this will cause you to plan your life better. Please face your child and responsibility until God brings you a person that will be a partner in life.

  41. I no send

    July 29, 2015 at 6:47 pm

    Aunty even if he was single did you have to get pregnant??? To what end at 19yrs?…..why don’t ladies protect themselves anymore?? …and to say there were no signs that he was married I don’t believe..there are always signs but you chose to ignore them…if he beats you to it by telling his wife before you do then what?? Try again to contact him if it doesn’t work get legal advice..goodluck

  42. Sturr

    July 29, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    Ah! Gbese!

  43. Great Lady

    July 29, 2015 at 6:54 pm

    Have the baby but make sure you tell his family.

  44. Oversabi

    July 29, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    U get health issues and u open legs for man wey never wife u up. I sometimes don’t understand how girls who claim to be sane act the way they do. Anyways, u have do the do…so “woman up” and carry yr cross. Even if u report to his wife, they will most likely patch and make up. Get family support and help yr self not to die if not na yr own loss

  45. lara

    July 29, 2015 at 6:56 pm

    Well am not an expert in this and I ain’t gonna apportion blames right now, but girl your young and I think you need help from your family right now. To say the truth it isn’t gonna be easy for you cos your young and to raise a child as a single mom will be a little tough for you, I ain’t scaring you but trust me you will need family support now like never before. Forget abt the man and take care of yourself and your unborn child, even tho you get in touch with the wife she might create more problems for you. Get close to your family cos that’s were you will get all the support you need.

  46. Pretty

    July 29, 2015 at 7:01 pm

    If you can support yourself. Have d baby then drop him or she at his house. I am sure he ll contact you on how best to manage d situation

  47. blinks

    July 29, 2015 at 7:07 pm

    HMMmmmmm…. my younger sister fell for this type of man as well. He came to her as a single man, they were always together, he seemed like he really liked her and we thought he was a good person as he seemed really grounded and always gave her good advise and encouraged her as per her career. she met a couple of his friends and ‘siblings” and they all seemed to be nice people. Heck they went to church together occasionally. we were all praying for wedding bells to ring soon. Alas, the guy had his wife and 3 kids tucked away in the US, we only found out when i mentioned him to a friend and she was shocked coz she knew the wife very well and was at their wedding. whenever he traveled out of the country, he always said it was for work / business and he called her everyday. so imagine our shock. when we confronted him, he denied it initially until we showed him the pictures from my friend and he got defensive that we were snooping around behind him. this guy dated my sister for about year and half. needless to say, he went away like a bad weather and since then, its been hard for my sis to trust any man again. apparently she was neither his only victim nor the last.

  48. you're screwed

    July 29, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    Wow and I thought I was “the pathetic one” ……Ahhh!!!
    Lemme leave this post for people that are spirit filled, na them get the answer you seek.

  49. Taiwo

    July 29, 2015 at 7:21 pm

    Babe you’re simply asking us for the go ahead to spill the beans right?
    cos from what you wrote up there, I can tell that you’re so mad about all this( I would be mad too)
    PLS GO AHEAD AND TELL !! Spill the bloody beans!

  50. Chika**

    July 29, 2015 at 7:31 pm

    Hmmmm.. Well, how far gone are you? Since it is a high risk pregnancy, I think you should see your doctor and figure out your options? I don’t know if you have the money or care ( i.e. family ) that would help you through this pregnancy. If you don’t have the support and you are not far gone, you should consider other options. I don’t think the wife would leave him for you. So, telling her won’t change anything. Why can’t people sue sure people in Naija self? Be well!!

  51. Yvonne

    July 29, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    In this day of social media and internet, everyone should know how to do extensive search on google. I can use someone’s IG handle alone (without even knowing their real name) to find out the person’s life history. Google is one friend everybody should have.

    This “I didn’t know this, I didn’t know that” excuse is so 2000 and late.

    Young lady, I suggest you tell your family – shame or no shame, at the end of the day, your parents care more about your life (and you remaining alive) than they will about you being a baby mama. Best of luck to you oh.

    Lemme sip tea and wait for comments to be approved.

    • Tosin

      July 29, 2015 at 8:59 pm

      It’s good advice to research, but it takes more than that o! The way people lie. Well, they would say they don’t lie. Sha, the way people misrepresent the facts. Hmmm. Na to dey pray o 🙂

  52. ACE

    July 29, 2015 at 7:33 pm

    Hmmmmmm kpele is all I have to say, cos the whole thing sounds too complicated

  53. Ogamazi

    July 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    19 and your dating? Ok ooh.

    • dee

      July 29, 2015 at 7:55 pm

      Errrrrr so?

    • MC

      July 30, 2015 at 6:59 pm

      HUH!?

  54. olu

    July 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    You didn’t ask for opinions before started doing the raw deal…

    do what you want…..

  55. Rantty

    July 29, 2015 at 7:44 pm

    You are 19 and you allowed someone fool you. Hmmmmm… na wah ooo.

  56. Sandii

    July 29, 2015 at 7:50 pm

    Tell your parents. Let them know everything and together you all march to wherever his home is and demand he starts taking care of his responsibility(the child). Also, You my dear need to get a part time job so you can also get some money in your pocket. Like you said, it’s shared blame. Shared means together so you gotta contribute to your soon to be child too. Learn a trade if you must. You need to start thinking for two. The deed is done already and this child ain’t going nowhere but coming out safely after 36-40weeks and healthy. Don’t think of it as revenge. Don’t be malicious or petty to the baby’s father either. Such hateful thinking even though justified isn’t good for your baby. Stay strong girl…

  57. Dapsy

    July 29, 2015 at 7:51 pm

    Nne, abeg inform the wife sharply. Like you said, he has really abandoned you o!

  58. Nwanyi Ekwe

    July 29, 2015 at 7:53 pm

    Sorry dear! Please speak to your parents / your usual support system and find a solution. I would not advise you getting rid of the pregnancy because it is my belief that it is a blessing. However, since you say it is high risk, just weigh your options carefully. Forget about this guy, his wife and daughter. The latter two did not do anything to you and it is not your responsibility to tell them anything… Let him be and be patient… God will help you go through it. Don’t go down to his level by trying to get justice for yourself!! Good luck:)

  59. Idomagirl

    July 29, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    I don’t think you’re telling us the full story…

  60. Dr. N

    July 29, 2015 at 8:03 pm

    Your health is more important than vengeance. If on d way to disgrace him u have a health crisis u will die and solve his problem for him.
    Find a sympathetic person either in your fam or religious org n get help.
    When u hv d baby, u can figure it out.
    Do not cut your nose to spite your face

  61. Heeba

    July 29, 2015 at 8:12 pm

    Come i hope say no be my husband……#nowonsuspectalert

  62. Letwisdomreign

    July 29, 2015 at 8:20 pm

    You MUST tell your parents. If they are no longer alive, then your older siblings and family/legal guardian. First, because you need the support and care, emotionally, physically, medically, financially, socially and spiritually which people who love you without strings and who are completely invested in keeping alive and healthy despite how angry and disappointed they get at your predicament. Secondly, because it is your parents, older MALE siblings, and/or family/legal guardian i.e. uncles, etc, mature, older people that can and should normally go to confront and speak to the father of your child and his wife and family, and by family, I don’t mean just himself and his wife but himself and whatever representatives of his extended family are brought in. This is how these things are done. Even if he refuses to see them, or meets with them and is recalcitrant, your family are within their rights and it is normal for them to seek out his parents, uncles, siblings, pastors, etc and involve them. This is because whether he lied to you or not about his marital status and his feelings for you, whether you were deceived or entered into it fully cognisant of what you were getting yourself into, the fact is that once the child is his, he has a responsibility to you as the mother of his child, and to his child. If he didn’t want a child from you, he should not have done with you the act that would lead to that result, and having engaged in the act, he was equally responsible, (even more responsible actually due to his being older, married and therefore more experienced and knowledgeable, in contrast to your young, inexperienced, naive age of 19) to use protection. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF GOING TO MEET HIS WIFE YOURSELF, EVER. THAT IS VERY STUPID AND COULD BE VERY DANGEROUS OR EVEN A SUICIDE MISSION.

    TELL YOUR PARENTS/FAMILY AND DO IT IMMEDIATELY. That pregnancy is advancing every day. Your health needs to be taken care of.

  63. Sugabelly

    July 29, 2015 at 8:27 pm

    If you don’t want to have the baby:

    1. Have an abortion as soon as possible.
    2. For GOD’S SAKE go and get some reliable form of semi-permanent birth control. I don’t know how adults will be walking around having sex up and down yet you’re not on birth control.
    3. End the relationship with this idiot, and tell his wife and his family that he got you pregnant.

    If you want to keep the baby:
    1. Tell his ENTIRE family and his wife and everybody as soon as possible. It’s not your fault the cow lied to you. It’s his family’ problem now.
    2. Start saving money / sorting out your financial affairs because babies are expensive, and knowing Nigerian men, he will probably try to abandon you and the baby and go and beg his wife, who will also equally take him back like an idiot.

    That being said.

    19 is crazy young to have a child. What have you done with your life? What have you achieved? You’re still practically a baby yourself, talk less of raising another child.

    My opinion is that having an abortion is the best option. Cut your losses and get on with your life with your lessons learned. Forget all these people telling you abortion is not an option. When it’s time to buy diapers and pay school fees and you come to beg them for money, all they will tell you is eyaaa.

    • chi

      July 29, 2015 at 11:30 pm

      @sugabelly u are the realest on here. When issues are this complicated,aside ur health issues. Abortion remains the best option!!!

    • Tari

      July 30, 2015 at 8:27 am

      Semi-permament birth control?
      There are more dangerous things than pregnancy. Women should learn to insist on condoms above all else.

  64. Tari

    July 29, 2015 at 8:41 pm

    Next week I am registering my NGO aimed at condom re-education for middle and upper class Nigerians. The need is urgent. We need to start talking about protection urgently else the population of bastards in the coming generation and surge of STDs in the present generation will be an epidemic of gigantic proportion. The poor are feeling more comfortable with condoms at present. It’s bad enough sleeping with douche bags but leqving lasting memories in the form of unwanted pregnancies is not acceptable at all.
    Ladies please insist on condoms if you must have sex outside marriage

    • idomagirl

      July 30, 2015 at 9:54 am

      If there’s a way I can support your NGO let me know. The rate at which our people have unprotected sex amongst other risky sexual habits is alarming! And these are supposed to be the ‘educated elite’…odiegwu…

  65. Nawaoooo!

    July 29, 2015 at 8:45 pm

    Hmmm! Sorry my dear, but you have yourself to blame, having unprotected sex in this age and time huh! You get liver ooo! Believe me the signs are always there, you refused to read in-between the line because you were in love or lust anyone. I once dated a married man, when I asked him, he said he was single as usual. I felt a bit relaxed. I checked his finger, he does not wear his wedding ring and his was not toned too, that too made me relax again, but along the line, he started putting up some suspicious strange characters such as not answering some certain calls in front of me, he only calls me during the day, while in the night his phone is always switched off, I asked him why he does that, guess what he said, your guess is as good as mine, that he hate night call I said ok maybe is because of workload, I try to call as early as possible, he will always answer in a hurry saying I will call you back, His dates with me are never planned and always rushed he always barge into me hmmmm! And he has like three phones, whenever I ask him about our relationship he always deviate and he never discuss his personal life and never invites me to his place with all these I became very very suspicious and went digging, I found out that all his social media handle are all discreet and there was never any celebration in our relationship, he make sure I lack nothing but he was very very discreet, I digged further and later found out he was marrieded ahhh! At first he denied it, but I showed him my evidence, he begged and begged and said all sorts of bad things about his wife, I just laughed at him and asked him to go to hell! Thank heavens I never slept with the he goat, women please be wise the signs are always there if you search so well, Anyway back to the poster, I advise you send him a message that you will tell the wife, but if he still give you deaf eyes do contact his family, I mean the parents and siblings, good luck to you. Next time love with your head not only your heart and say no to unprotected sex no matter how in love you are.

  66. Ama

    July 29, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    My dear, pele o. This one na real gbese sha. You for try medical abortion in a licensed hospital if you are not far gone. Honestly I can’t imagine how you can keep the pregnancy with so much deceit surrounding it. But 19 years and an active sex life., You dey rush o you for break small. Anyway belle and degree ko bad. Na double double.

  67. hmmmm

    July 29, 2015 at 8:55 pm

    I’m in a similar predicament. Guys like dis are good in d game, his wife is tucked away in another country. You’ll never know, love won’t let u reason straight. Babe Kip the belle. Sit down plan ur revenge well. He won’t. Know wat hit him.

    • Yvonne

      July 30, 2015 at 1:04 am

      I am confused. Are you not the same person we are all dissecting and giving advice to? Are you not the person whose story is posted on this page?

      I am asking because you also just commented below as “Miss Pregnant and abandoned by a married man. July 29, 2015 at 11:22 pm”… I mean is the same exact icon! Gurrrrl are you sure you are alright up there? Oh Chim! #Quietlywalksaway

    • Ada Nnewi

      July 30, 2015 at 9:05 am

      She didn’t send a mail to aunty bella… Bella naija just posted her comment as an Aunty Bella Post.

    • Taiwo

      July 30, 2015 at 9:36 am

      Awon detective aye oooo!! Good observation!

    • Alero

      July 30, 2015 at 9:48 am

      Detective Yvonne, you shall be promoted! 😀 😉

    • Hmmm

      July 30, 2015 at 10:44 am

      See I told you she knows what she wants. She has no plans of keeping this baby. All this is just for revenge. How to hurt him the most. Bia, ibieka, this will get you nowhere. Commot this thing and walk away now. Walk far far away. It’ll backfire. I know how you feel but I promise you, it’s not worth the gbege that’ll follow.

  68. Nahum

    July 29, 2015 at 9:37 pm

    What is all this “tell his wife” nonsense?? Did they seek approval from the wife to have an affair? Babe, a beg carry your cross and waka to your Daddy’s house. You hot pant girls of nowadays don’t listen to people when they advice you. I know that people adviced you against this but you did not listen. Have your baby, go back to school and make something of yourself and for goodness sake LEAVE HIS WIFE ALONE!!!

    • Sugabelly

      July 29, 2015 at 11:30 pm

      It was never an affair. He told her he was SINGLE.

  69. Tunmi

    July 29, 2015 at 9:57 pm

    Tell his wife. Consider abortion. Talk to a ob/gyn ASAP. And use protection next time

  70. ifee

    July 29, 2015 at 10:23 pm

    So to all the commenter, I was in a position like this a few years back. Thankfully, my “boyfriend” wasn’t married. He had an unofficial engagement of 8 years I was unaware of. No posts on social media or calls from or to the girl. Trust me, I can do detective work…. and I still didn’t know until I was preggies. I was 19 just finished Nysc and just fooling around. We used condoms o, postinor o, sometimes even both and I still got preggies. Let’s stop judging kay? All these contraceptives have failure rates. So younguns please close your legs, that’s the only guarantee o! Thankfully, everything was sorted out in my case. I will be praying for you honey. Only God can see you through this.

    • nnenne

      July 30, 2015 at 2:26 am

      @ ifee… Contraceptives work!!
      Some are more effective than others. Don’t buy them over the counter.Visit your OB/GYN doctor and get a method that works for you.
      To prevent STDs, use them in combination with condom or abstain totally.
      Condoms alone have high failure rate.

    • Sugabelly

      July 30, 2015 at 4:12 am

      Postinor is NOT birth control, it’s EMERGENCY contraception. I’m going to chalk this up to youthful ignorance since you said you were 19 at the time. You should have been on a prescribed REGULAR oral birth control OR an IUD, OR a sub dermal implant.

      THAT is birth control, not Postinor that is designed for use only when the condom broke and you have no other protection.

      You’re not supposed to take Postinor on a regular basis.

      There’s a serious amount of ignorance among young Nigerian women about birth control and it is simply shocking.

    • idomagirl

      July 30, 2015 at 9:59 am

      My dear. Nigerians need to have a serious conversation about protection and contraceptives, but how can we when we’re too busy pretending not to know what sex is & acting all holier than thou.

      This hypocrisy isn’t helping anyone, the ignorance among young women and men on these matters is alarming, don’t even get me started the ones that leave everything related to protection to their male partners. We need to do better.

  71. Chief

    July 29, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    Here they go again!! Miss lie lie Mohamed pls tell us the real story.You want to tie him down with pregnancy Abii??? A man cannot abandon you like that miss side chick!!

    • jj

      July 30, 2015 at 1:59 pm

      Your statement reveals the height of your ignorance. A man cannot abandon you like that, huh? ok o!

  72. Babym

    July 29, 2015 at 11:06 pm

    @ Nahum My dear i was wondering the same thing too o. As in tell his wife under what grounds?? That you care about her and want her to know what her husband is doing??? Or that she shld speak to her husband on ur behalf to take responsibilty for the child??? Or that she should cry and hold ur hand? Or that she should leave him? After U tell the wife, how does that help ur situation??? The wife has absolutely nothing to do with this mess. If u tell her she will only be broken hearted and either stay with him or divorce him but that will still not force d guy to take responsibilty. So really what is the motive and point in telling the wife? What do u intend to gain from it? Abeg leave d wife out of it. Go to ur family for help and keep it moving.

    • Nahum

      July 30, 2015 at 2:49 am

      Na you get sense my dear

  73. Miss Pregnant and abandoned by a married man.

    July 29, 2015 at 11:22 pm

    OK lemme clear things, I’m done with university. Like I said just rounded up and by God’s grace i’ll graduate with a 2.1(final result ain’t out) and I know how to sew in addition. I never knew, we made plans togeda, went out like normal, he’d come to ph to see me if I asked, how he planned to finally settle in ph. He would call to gist me about his day and all. Yes he called at all times. Due to d nature of his job he didn’t always pick calls, but called back always, if I complained about an attitude he’d work on it. He’d been with me to d clinic, recognized my crisis even b4 I did, got me drugs for my attacks. Wen I aced my defense he told me how proud he was of me and even came to ph dat night. He was d bf all my friends knew and he’d even taken me to the family house b4 we broke up tho I didn’t meet anyone I knew people wer in d house. I have health insurance, I’ve seen a gynae d decision is unanimous – Kip it. I doubt if the family is in Nigeria his wife’s IG pics are all jand except d recent ones dat shes around. I dig around about people usually(it’s my hobby), but Dude lied to his name(he told me a totally diff name), guys would cover up for demselves I only suspected after d visit to d family house I’d always suspected I knew the mum (she’s a public figure) the visit Confirmed it, we weren’t on each odas social network except d watsaap haad mistakenly deleted him on BBM and didn’t bother cuz we always spoke. But d news of the pregnancy Made me forget it all. Wen I did dig deep wat I found left me broken. I admit I made huge mistakes, d. result is enuf punishment. Just don’t. Know wat to do. I was raised in a superstrict home. Can’t go back home from school mama would kill me!

    • Yvonne

      July 30, 2015 at 12:59 am

      My dear all this story you dey talk here makes no difference. They best thing you can do for yourself is to tell your parents. “your mama will kill you” you say – msteeww – Kill ko, kill ni.

      Abeg, you already said the consensus is to keep the baby (which I applaud). So how are you planning on keeping the baby and sustaining yourself without your parents knowing? Better go home and face your family. They may be disappointed initially but they will get over it. After dealing with it in private within your family, then, y’all (as a family) can decide if you want to let the man’s family (i.e his wife) know or not. Shaa, your priority right now should be to go meet your parents and face the music. It will be a hard dance to learn but you will overcome. A word is enough for the wise. Goodluck

    • Makachi

      July 30, 2015 at 1:08 am

      Girl!!! From a fellow 19 year old(still in school), please remove it. I’m begging you. You’ll fill guilty, you’ll hate yourself but remember, that foetus was never meant to be. We’re young!!!!! 19! This is why I advise myself and my sisters to stay clear of these thing until you’re mature, emotionally, financially etc to handle the consequences. Trust me, being a baby mama is BULLSHIT!!!! On top that a married man??!!!! You don’t want to tow that line!!!! Please, God would understand and forgive you, Go for a medical D&C. You’re doing this child a favour by letting it go. The world is tough already under the right circumstances, not to talk of coming this way. Sweerie, get it out. Think of your parents and how disappointed they would be, Don’t do this to yourself!

    • Dr. N

      July 30, 2015 at 8:27 am

      Dear 19 yr old, did u hear that she has a health issue? Her doctor told her to keep d baby. What r u saying? This girl is prob diabetic, asthmatic, or SS.

    • Abby

      July 30, 2015 at 9:03 am

      Makachi, that foetus was never meant to be ke? Foetus is already in existence, this is a living child we are talking about. You may be a pro-abortionist but begging someone else to abort a child is real wa oh. The likes of Genevieve, Waje who have their kids now grown up certainly are not regretting keeping it. Please, this is a human being’s life we are talking about. Haba

    • Californiabawlar

      July 30, 2015 at 7:28 am

      One consensus here is that you need to go home!!

      Pack your kaya and go to mama. Let them nurse you till you deliver. Dr. already says you have to have the baby…. Going forward, you need to focus on surviving the pregnancy and having a healthy baby….the shame of single motherhood and triflingness of this man are the least things you should be worrying about o.

      Again I say, GO HOME! Abi you no read prodigal son??? Lol.

    • I HOPE YOU READ THIS

      July 30, 2015 at 9:31 am

      Darling I refuse to judge you… things like this happens to the best of us. I also fell pregnant in my final year at uni, even though I was abit older than you (I was 23). I thought my dad was going to kill me but he actually accepted it (it still brings tears to my eyes when I think of how he took the situation… complete opposite of what everyone expected). I also had a life threatening pregnancy I couldn’t abort (my boy is 2+ now and he’s everything a mother could have asked for, he gives me joy) MY ADVICE ARE AS FOLLOWS:
      ** Tell your parents, regardless they are your parents and no matter how angry they are, they will never let you suffer. If you are scared of telling your parents, tell an aunt or uncle your parents love and respect first (preferably if this your aunt or uncle is happily married), he or she would know how to break the news to them. Or you can tell your grandmum or dad depending on how close you are to them
      **DO NOT TELL HIS WIFE!! I REPEAT… DO NOT!!!!!!
      **Even though you are mad as hell, please don’t hurt her. Believe it or not she is also a victim of his deceit. Do not be the one to break their home, find a place in your heart to forgive him (even though it is hard)
      **Focus on raising your child. Yes people will talk, but this is a blessing from God to you… YES IT IS DEAR (I am picking up that you have sickle cell disease). No one said it would be easy but see this as a source of happiness in your life and not sadness. Talk to your baby as it grows in your womb, that way you create a bond between you two that no one can break
      **The status on his facebook ‘revenge is a dish best served cold’ says a lot about him. You need to forget about him please, do not call or text him, Let him know you can do this without him. And this is why you need you parents support.
      **PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO YOUR FRIENDS ON THIS SITUATION… PLEASE!!!! Friends usually think they know it all, but on this particular topic YOU NEED A MATURED MIND TO PUT YOU THROUGH.
      **MOST IMPORTANTLY PRAY!!!!!!!!… LOOK HAPPY ALWAYS. DO NOT GIVE ANYONE A REASON TO JUDGE YOU.
      **DEAR I WISH I KNEW YOU PERSONALLY COS I HAVE ALOT TO SAY TO YOU… I’LL PUT YOU IN MY PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS. SENDING YOU LOTS OF LOVE

    • Gina

      July 30, 2015 at 5:33 pm

      In all except one, you have spoken well. The wife and his family DESERVE TO KNOW that he has a child somewhere so that in the future INCEST does not happen. Think about the children’s future

    • been there

      July 30, 2015 at 10:39 am

      If you are looking for ur mother not to be disappointed or be harsh on u for this, then u r an unreasonable child? She will not kill u at the end.

      Like I wrote earlier, in case u need support In terms of baby items, I can help out a lil here. I hope ur mum does not throw u out, but in case that happens, I can recommend a temporary shelter in lagos run by the society of st. Vincent the Paul till months after ur baby gets here. (note: ur baby will not be taken from u)

    • Moi

      July 30, 2015 at 10:44 am

      Mama can’t kill u, she can only be disappointed and heart broken but its for a while , u just have to face mama, the did has been done. Do not be deceived no one except ur parents can help u out of this predicament right now, they are the only solution u have, u tell his wife and u might end up missing, she can’t leave her husband for u likewise he would never leave his wife for u, he only laid a bait and u fell for it he cares less about what happens to you, but ur parents would always be genuienly concerned about ur welfare thats why they are the best people to turn to at this time.

    • Ebunoluwa

      July 30, 2015 at 1:12 pm

      Please I beg you. Don’t abort the pregnancy. Many years down the line you would be glad you didn”t abort the pregnancy. I may be a hard decision but God will see you through.

  74. Amh

    July 30, 2015 at 12:42 am

    Forget about breaking that home. Tell his wife. He will deny. Will not leave her.neither willl she. Face your baby and plan for single motherhood. Focus on your health and your child. You will meet your own hubby one day. The guy does not want you. Move on and be happy and healthy. You need your family support.

  75. Amh

    July 30, 2015 at 12:45 am

    You are monitoring the wife abi. Shes in jand. To me it seems you want him to wife you. Why. You are too young and bet beautiful. Pls you have beautiful life ahead of you. Delete the guy and focus on yourself. 19 and you are stalking a married man. Na wah o. At 19 i was naive and my focus was not men. Stop the dick hunting.

  76. Tari

    July 30, 2015 at 12:52 am

    Where do you ladies meet these sort of men?
    I do not recognize the monsters often described here.

    • Tayelolu

      July 31, 2015 at 1:20 pm

      LOL These kind of men are always lurking around…it’s only the weak and not-so-smart women that fall for their BS

  77. ifeoma

    July 30, 2015 at 7:47 am

    First of all, you made numerous mistakes like sleeping with a guy you just met, not doing proper background check on him and all. But honey what’s done is done. I think you should tell your family so they can support at this time. They would be disappointed but it won’t change anything.

    Secondly, this is directed at those holier than thou folks who think they can never make a mistake. Let me tell you something,we all make mistakes one way or the other. You would not know the depth of condemnation this young girl has placed on herself now. If you think you are without sin pls do us the honor by casting the first stone!!!

    Finally young girls out there be very careful if it’s not going to the altar anytime soon pls do well to keep your legs closed.

  78. MrsA

    July 30, 2015 at 8:12 am

    You made a mistake,i’m not judging you but you really have to be strong.stop contacting the man and since you don’t want to wreck his home then don’t bother informing his wife but inform his parents.so they are aware.Worse case scenario,if he denies the pregnancy,and says he has never had a relationship with you,tell him ‘I forgive you’,console yourself and move on.from what you said you have sickle cell disease and you really need a lot of support from everyone around you especially your mum.please tell her and before you do,kneel down and ask for her forgiveness and then tell her,ask God to forgive you and see you through the pregnancy.You also need to get tested for STIs.i saw a lady yesterday in my clinic who is also 19years old and had a history of unprotected sexual inter course and on management for an STI.Be positive,tell yourself ‘all is well’.i have met some assholes like this man you described but I always protect myself and not get pregnant.it is well with you and i’m sending prayers of unusual strength,grace,mercy and peace to you.

  79. What?

    July 30, 2015 at 8:33 am

    To start with, a 19 year old?
    A 19 year old having sex?
    having sex unprotected?

    How come yu now know he is married?
    Why didnt you detect that before?

    Something tells me you have been enjoying yourself with this married man and he has been taking care of you all this while. It has turned to pregnancy now and you are claiming shit?

    There are many others like that (even here on BN) sleeping, going out, catching fun with married men, collecting their money, going to clubs with them, God sees you in 20D.

    When it turns to pregnancy you will now be claiming you didnt know

    Shut the fuck up
    Story for the gods

    Did i enjoy the sex and the good times with you?
    Go and deal with it yourself

  80. Go and hang girl

    July 30, 2015 at 8:40 am

    A girl just came in to Abuja yesterday to see a married man.

    -She claims the man is her friend
    -That the man’s family is in lagos
    -so anytime they are in lagos, she comes to see him
    -Now she came, the man refused to take her home, lodged her in a hotel
    -Meaning there is another girl at home

    -Tell me now BNers, this girl knows this man is married with 2kids, came all the way from warri to see him. Na prayer dem go dey pray all night for hotel?

    -When it turns to pregnancy, you will see her on BN claiming she didnt know he was married.

    -You and all your pity party, go and hang.
    -Your mama teach u say make u dey open leg for any man? talkless of say maybe hin single or marry?

    Always looking for ways to nail men-married or single.
    You are ON YOUR OWN

  81. vien

    July 30, 2015 at 9:21 am

    ashawo small girl…u berra leave his wife nd kid out of this,and go sort out ur prob urself…..Next time u’ll be more carefullllllllllllllllllll…….the man is enjoying his family…..tongue out

    • idomagirl

      July 30, 2015 at 10:11 am

      How is she an ashawo? Don’t be stupid please. Typical Nigerian, heap all the curses on the woman & say nothing to the man.

  82. nuella

    July 30, 2015 at 10:09 am

    ok she didnt know he was married? where were they meeting all through out their jamboree? ok lets even assume we believe her, does she not know that sleeping without protection is risky with or without health issues of your own? even those with cheating husbands tend to take care of themselves and here she goes about sleeping with somebody that could still be dating others? pls the wife and daughter has nothing to do with this and should be left alone.

  83. idomagirl

    July 30, 2015 at 10:10 am

    I think his wife deserves to know, but knowing how the average Nigerian woman behaves when confronted with her husband’s infidelity, maybe all the posters telling you not to tell her are right.

    This is just a complicated situation, but seeing as you’ve said you have health complications my advise is that you tell your parents, you have to, you’re too young to bear this alone & as a final year student, you are in no shape financially or otherwise to raise a kid.

    If your parents can involve his relatives, even better. He’s an idiot for trying to run away from his responsibilities, you made mistakes yes, who hasn’t, but both of you made that child, you shouldn’t bear the burden alone.

  84. Y

    July 30, 2015 at 10:15 am

    My dear, this is a very difficult predicament you’re in. It will have been better to go for an abortion but because of your health and the gynaeo advicing against it. This is going to be hard, but you will really need the support of your family at this point in time. As someone said, being pregnant is not the end of the world. You’re still very young, after baby you can still achieve many more life changing goals and prospects, even find a man who will be with you baby and all.

    It is best to go and speak to someone in your family that you’re close and have good rapport with. Like an aunt or cousin, they will use good intuition to then speak to your parents about the issue. Your parents can’t kill or disown you because of this, if they truly love you and have the fear of God. Also start your ante natal, start taking pregnacare (btw 1,5- 2k, this has folic acid which protects against birth defects), and just try to keep your mind at ease. Don’t contact the guy again, his punishment dey inside cooler dey wait for am.

    After baby, look for a job or do your fashion designing to help with upkeep. Please this time around practise abstinence cos you’re highly likely to fall pregnant again after just having a baby. If you can’t then get contraceptives as well as condoms to protect against STIS.

    Give it your all. Be a fantastic mother filled with love and strength. It will not be easy but i promise you that as the pregnancy progresses and you feel him/her kick, that unconditional love will begin. The love will blossom when he/she is finally born. When that child gets older, and hears all this, the child will respect and value you more than anything in the world. It is well, you just need your family’s support. Being a single unwed mother isn’t so bad as Nigerian society has stigmatised it to be. I wish you all the very best xo.

  85. Y

    July 30, 2015 at 10:19 am

    Also can you drop an email address or contact number I can reach you on to send you baby things. Take care my lovely xo.

  86. Koffie

    July 30, 2015 at 10:25 am

    I saw your picture in your avi yesterday where the comment was initially posted, you’re very young and I don’t think you should have an abortion because your doctor already said you shouldn’t. People saying you should have a medical abortion will not be there if you die oo plus I bet your parents would rather have their child alive and go through all the stages of acceptance than a dead child. God forbid but if something worse were to happen to you medically, you’d hurt them when they think they failed you as parents that you couldn’t trust them enough to tell them.
    I’m glad you’re done with finals and defence. Guys are wicked though cos he even lied about his name making it near impossible to find out anything true about him. Tell your parents, they would be angry, disappointed, shocked, embarrassed but they would eventually come around. You can tell someone older in the family to go to them with you, someone like your oldest sibling or whatnot. If your family decides to meet the man and his wife, it wouldn’t be you ruining his marriage, he did that on his own by cheating on his wife and damning the consequences of ignoring you. The journey ahead is tough but I pray God sees you through.
    P.S- Stop listening to your friends on this issue (same age group), you need the wisdom of your folks and their unconditional love. They’re the only ones with your best interest at heart and your future in mind.

  87. Moi

    July 30, 2015 at 10:25 am

    Married or not you can’t use pregnancy to hold any man down, hope you’ve learnt you lesson. Inform your parents, they’ll know how to go about it make sure you leave nothing out so they can take informed decisions.. Goodluck

  88. latoya

    July 30, 2015 at 10:37 am

    You killing me with these comments !if i was the wife abeg if u come and tell me o ,what help do i give you ? or better your situation? Women should learn MAN ARE SOMETIMES CRUEL! that is why we have sooo many single mothers and fatherless children we are raising on our own.Its high time young girls like you learn to close their legs for a serious guy. We may advise you for the whole day but honestly IT IS YOUR OWN CUP OF GARRI O!

  89. sunshine

    July 30, 2015 at 10:45 am

    Hold up!!Hold up!! I want to feel for you but I JUST CAN’T!!

    I have to give it to you for trying the reverse psychology shtick on us by quickly admitting guilt and accepting the blame but it doesn’t change nuthin!!! But we are not new to sob stories gurl!!

    Wish i could write whats on my mind but imma keep it PG here!! please dont gimme dat trash abt making him take responsibility by telling his wife, did she tell him how to slide it in for you. take severalllll,i mean severalllll seats; infact!! leave the room!!!

    Now you’re here telling stories that touch!! RUBBITCH!! U better face you papa house. na only dere dem go help you!!

  90. j

    July 30, 2015 at 11:19 am

    I know who this person is…………………

    • Abby

      July 30, 2015 at 11:59 am

      You know who this person is.. so what should we do about it?! Mstchew

    • lux

      July 30, 2015 at 12:07 pm

      So?

  91. Blessing Praise

    July 30, 2015 at 11:26 am

    Sorry about your predicament. From your write up it seems you are a Warrior i.e an SS patient. Please while deciding on keeping the baby, ensure that the man in question is not AS. If not its double wahala for dead bodi…. That’s the only reason why I would ask you to abort else please keep the baby. It may be hard but 15 years down the line you would be happy you kept your baby.

  92. Pam

    July 30, 2015 at 12:53 pm

    HYPOCRITES!!!!!!!!! there so many on this page . She is a graduate and this scenario has happened even to the best of girls who were tricked by men who even tricked the parents of unfortunate girls. My dear the problem here is that you have a high risk pregnancy seek medical advice on how best to handle your situation, forget him one day he will get his Chineke adịghị ehi ụra. Focus on your health now and get closer to GOD he will give you strength

  93. Ebunoluwa

    July 30, 2015 at 1:14 pm

    Please I beg you, don’t abort the pregnancy. I may be a hard decision but God will see you thru. Don’t take the life of an innocent child because you don’t know what the future holds for this child. God will support you.

  94. fleur

    July 30, 2015 at 1:19 pm

    Ever heard the saying “hazards of the job?” That is what you are experiencing. pls leave his wife alone in her blissful and dangerous lack of awareness. Btw, you have illness (is it AIDS ) and you are preoccupied with sex, not your health? Swallow or should I say bite the bullet and let it go. Pregnancy is a predestined consequence of sex.

  95. nnenne

    July 30, 2015 at 1:20 pm

    @Dr. N…..Comorbidities like asthma and diabetes should not prevent someone from going through anesthesia and surgery. The individual just have to be stabilized by their primary care physician/ internist, first.
    We are in the 21st century. …just saying.

    • Dr. N

      July 30, 2015 at 9:56 pm

      High risk preg is all she said.
      Don’t remember mentioning surgery. I have to work with what she said.
      Cheers

    • Dr. N

      July 30, 2015 at 10:03 pm

      Or if u referred to my 2nd comment, I guess they made that decision because d risk of surgery out weighs a possible SVD
      But if u r an expert, do give her ur own opinion. I only gave mine.

  96. Chika**

    July 30, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    How does having an abortion put her at risk compared to carrying the pregnancy to full term? Lets assume is she SS, they have a lot of crisis during and after pregnancy. I have a friend her sister died after having her first baby and she was SS. So, I don’t know what your health risk is, I would imagine going through the pregnancy puts you at greater risk than having an abortion assuming you are still in your first trimester. Make sure your doctors know what they are doing. This is Naija and we have many doctors that don’t know what they are doing.

    • Takeseveralseats

      July 30, 2015 at 4:32 pm

      Not all women with SCD have crisis during [pregnancy. As a matter of fact, I have 2 kids now and both pregnancies were very easy for me, no complications whatsoever. By the way I have SCD

  97. DIEBIYE COLUMBUS

    July 30, 2015 at 3:45 pm

    Pls tell his wife, be prayerful, but be careful.

  98. larz

    July 30, 2015 at 4:27 pm

    To everyone who deem it okay to criticise a 19 yo for being guilty of believing a man’s lies. Shame on you! All of you! I pray your siblings and daughter will never go thru this. A man with 2 kids is likely to be in his 30s, Even women in their 30s can fall prey to such snakes. So pls lets get off our high horses and restrict our comments to constructive advice or something positive and re-enforcing. She is having to deal with some stuff and will prbly have negativity in her world. She doesn’t need it here too

  99. ardnas

    July 30, 2015 at 4:57 pm

    uhmmm. my dear, first of all anything done in secret or out of fear is never right.
    1. talk to your parents
    2. you en ur parents shld go see a doctor on the best possible medical solution
    3. you and your family shld decide is it necessary to go see his family? Can your family take care of the child alone or do you want d Man to share in the responsibility? do you mind been a second wife?…clearly decide what you want with your family, you people shld stand in untiy, coz honestly you need lots of sup[ort system ryt now.
    4. Dont give up even when rebuke en criticism comes, be wise to discern.
    5. Know that Jesus loves you the way you are.
    To graduate @19 means you are intelligent and your parents are committed to your success. so dont give up on ur dreams. you re not the only hurting person, ur parents will also hurt from this sad event, there are a lots of young girls out there experiencing this kind of situation, overcome urs nd go spread the word. T.D jakes said your TESTIMONY is YOUR MINISTRY. much love dear…Grow in Wisdom!

  100. Victoria

    July 30, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    It’s one thing to know that he’s married and yet continued with the relationship; it’s another to find out he lied to u about having a family. So u are breaking any marriage by telling his wife. U are only making him take responsibility for his action & behavior. But 1st & foremost, pray & seek for guidance.

  101. Victoria

    July 30, 2015 at 5:03 pm

    Edited Post.

    It’s one thing to know that he’s married and yet continued with the relationship; it’s another to find out he lied to u about having a family. So u are not breaking any marriage by telling his wife. U are only making him take responsibility for his action & behavior. But 1st & foremost, pray & seek for guidance.

  102. kwo kwo

    July 30, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    please go home. tell your folks.
    Let his family be aware.
    Brace yourself.
    children are blessings.

  103. Marvel

    July 30, 2015 at 9:26 pm

    I feel for you and wish you a safe pregnancy and birth. It was my mother who told me of my father’s illegitimate son with his former mistress who kept the pregnancy against his say so. Of all the children my father had with other women, that was the only one he turned his back on to my shock, I was barely out of sec schl so it was my mum that gave me gifts and money to go visit the baby. When my dad died and the drama was being played out, my mum dragged the boy inside the gate, to the protest of another mistress. Can you imagine? My mother was the only legally married wife so I dont know, from my experience, that I would afvice not to tell the wife. I think you should write a letter and apologise for the situation. I would have been horrified to hear of other siblings after my fathers death, the fact that they all attended his funeral was good enough.

    The judiciary system in Nigeria allows for this sort of decay. If they print his picture on milk cartons like they do in America or the me know that the govt would hunt them for child maintenance, it may deter or discourage all this unprotective sex. Women in Nigeria are treated terribly. Fancy this young lady, who should still be in Uni because of over sabi parents pushing and pushing, they are at Uni before 15 in some instances.

    Allthat abstain with sex pushed at minors faces in the media and the unfortunate behaviour of so called role models is not helpful either. We have to take more active roles in supporting youngor vulnerable people. Men like thse should be shamed. It becomes as simple as not answering his phone. No, he must take responsibility. Her family MUST support her. It is not only when it is time to take pics with graduation caps and gown. God help you with ALL decisions you make re this matter

  104. Alert!

    July 31, 2015 at 10:15 am

    You have serious health issues but it didn’t prevent you from having sex, lol! And unprotected for that matter. At 19 I definitely wasn’t having sex. btw, so you never got to visit him at his home or what? So were was all the sex sessions taking place, at your parent’s or a friend’s. seriously, girls need to learn! And 19 is not too young to know better, after all at 19 you are already a graduate, so age is no excuse.

    Okay, let’s assume you let his wife know, his marriage ends, he wont marry you you know, because you were probably just a passing fling. Or assuming you tell him, and his wife sticks to him anyways cos they are legally married, he probably still wont marry you, you could still end up being a single mother anyways.

    Its just sad you had to learn in a very harsh way. Wish you make the best decision over your present situation.

  105. Tayelolu

    July 31, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    It’s ironic how when you guys were dating, you didnt suspect anything but all of a sudden as soon as you fall pregnant, you find out he not only has a wife but a child? My friend, just tell the truth, you knew about it. Anywho, all the best – I pray he steps up and at least take care of his seed. Good luck

  106. GLB

    August 1, 2015 at 9:12 am

    I’m confused. How does ignoring her solve the problem? Does he want to deny he is responsible for the pregnancy? Poster, you are 19, talk to your parents and go see a good doctor for checkup. I don’t know the health issues you have but a doctor will be in a better position to offer sound medical advice on whether you can carry the pregnancy to full term. For young ladies out there, please zip up!

  107. ela

    August 3, 2015 at 11:24 am

    many times, i wonder y pple still make d same mistakes about dis condom issues. dont get me wrong, am not judging. the guy lied to n that’s cruel, his wife is innocent, n doesn’t deserve any hurts which will come from letting her find out. its sad that u have health issues n i truly sympathize with u. talk to some of his friends if u have their numbers. come to think of it, u were dating him , n he never took u to his house. hmmmm. i strongly advice against abortion. God help u

  108. jasmine

    August 5, 2015 at 12:15 pm

    My darling @ 19,u have no business having Sex. Okay ur having Sex why dint u use condom? It’s now u know dat ur health is frail my advice to u is to first of all save Wats left of ur pride and stop calling him,secondly talk to ur parent and also, hoping u have learnt to stop opening ur legs

  109. Magg

    August 5, 2015 at 2:45 pm

    @bellanaija she should keep the pregnancy because she may not be able to have another child after going through abortion, this could be your Greatest child in life..there is no child that God isn’t aware of…all embryo from 6 weeks pregnancy has heart beats…Pls don’t kill your child. Inform his family when the baby is out..God will help you out. Forget what pole will say…we all have skeletons or issues in our lives. .

  110. Ngozi

    August 17, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    Na wa o, so using condom makes you holier. Meanwhile the person wey no use and the person wey use na sinner before God Almighty. If you engage in pre marital sex yourself, you are in no single or double position to judge this lady. Your sin is doubled because you are a hypocrite. How can you judge a person who is involved in the same action you are involved in.

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