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Frances Okoro: Being A Woman



We were both seated at an event when I asked her a question in a bid to make some “small talk”.
And her reply spurred some serious conversation between myself and I in my head.
I asked her, “where would you like to live?”
And her reply was “I am a lady”.
I asked again to be sure, “I don’t understand you, where would you like to live?”.
And she said “I am a lady, I don’t know where I will stay, anything can happen”.

With all due respect to her, she may have meant no harm with her reply but I couldn’t help but think about her statement really deeply and my reflection led me on a stroll down memory lane…

When I was in the University, two episodes happened in a day that irked the very core of my being.
We (two guys and two ladies) sat at a tactical location where we could see our project supervisor (who could disappear at any minute), driving into school and as is the case when people have nothing to do. We engaged in small talk to pass away the time. It wasn’t long before there was a bit of of rough driving on the road and my male classmates on seeing that the driver was a woman said “na woman na”.
I let that slide.

We were talking about plans for after school and choice of what Law School campus to go to when both guys again said “you na woman na, you nor get problem”.
I thankfully didn’t say any of my thoughts out loud as I would have had steam coming out of my ears and so I let the sensible married lady who was with us iron out their mentality of what it means to be a woman.
To an extent, it was a bit okay to hear a man saying that “na woman na”, but it was quite painful to me to hear a fellow lady use that same term on herself.

“Na woman na”.
“I am a lady na, I don’t know where I will stay, anything can happen when the man comes, so I better not make my own plans” (paraphrased in my head)
It would seem that saying “I am a lady” denotes some kind of limitations on what a lady can do.
What do we mean when we say “na woman na?”
What do we mean when we say that “I am a lady na?”
Does the fact that we are ladies translate into us putting our lives on hold?
Does it mean that we cannot have dreams which we pursue while we wait for the husband to arrive (that’s if we are meant to be married?)

I recently visited my lovely mom and when talks inevitably led to what I would do after NYSC, she said “I want my girls to stay close to me, you are a woman”.
I reminded her about my brother who left home immediately after NYSC and she said, “he is a man, his own is different”. I love you mom, I really do, but isn’t that the limitation that society places on women?
Isn’t that we are talking about here?

Why do we think that the men can follow their dreams but the women have to “stay near?” Why do ladies themselves think that being a lady translates into the fact that they have to put their own dreams on hold while they wait for the Mr to arrive? Don’t you think that God has more in store for you than putting your life on hold because of a marriage? Can’t you see father than what you see right now for yourself?
God says that I have created you for more and then your reply to Him is “but I am a lady na Lord?” Why have we allowed society to brainwash us so? Why is being a lady associated with having limitations?

Shouldn’t being a lady mean that we are resilient, resourceful, able to bend but not break, strong, beautiful and capable of accomplishing everything we set our hearts to do? Our influence on the world should be global and not limited to the presence or absence of a husband.

So many persons may think that ladies are limited but let that not be us – the ladies ourselves.
It’s sad when the one who thinks our lights can’t shine farther than a certain locality is us.
It’s heart wrenching when the one who thinks that a lady’s purpose in life is predicated on when she gets married is herself.

Raise your eyes my fellow sisters. See farther than where you are at right now. See the new places that await you. Travel with the free time you have right now. Stop being scared that leaving a locality will make you miss your husband.

Why would you want to streamline yourself because of a man? Go out with what God has placed in your heart to do. Thrive, excel and prosper in what you set out to do; and if “Mr” meets you when you are thriving, all the better.
Only a thriving man would understand a thriving woman.
Together both of you will be a power couple, walking in purpose; not being scared of limitations or the mind set of society but going all out with what God wants the both of you to do on earth.

Having a limited mind set will only get you a man who thinks like you do (we attract who we are remember?)
The man God has for you isn’t looking for a lady who hides her light, he is looking at the stars because he is a star too – one with whom he can shine brightly and powerfully with.

So let your light shine lady. Do not place it under a bushel. Do not place a limit on things you can do just because the man hasn’t arrived yet. Take off those limitations and see the possibilities. See your light manifesting in the world, lighting other lights while at it.

Let your light shine sister. Don’t hold it back because the man hasn’t arrived. Don’t hide it. Don’t let society’s darkness and way of thinking snuff it out.

Let your light shine lady. Other lights need the light in you.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |  Fernandes Borges Michel

Hephzibah Frances is a Lawyer and author currently based in Lagos Nigeria. She is an author of more than 15 books including the best-selling book “Prayers for your future husband”. She is a Voice for the Lord. She proclaims God to the Nations through her songs, books, podcasts, talk-shows, movies and the new media. Carrying God’s word to her generation on the wings of the wind. She is the founder of two women ministries, The Women At The Well and The Deborah Generation She is also the founder of Awakening Youthful Seeds For Christ Initiative a Non-Governmental Organisation focused on raising purposeful youths. She runs a business to help authors and aspiring authors BIRTH THEIR BOOK DREAMS at Beautiful Feet Publishing - Email: [email protected] for help with all things publishing and marketing your books. ***** KEEP IN TOUCH: Email her at [email protected] Follow Her On Social Media: On Facebook: HephzibahFrances On twitter @Hephzibahfran/ On instagram @hephzibahfrances Listen to her Podcasts At: Podcasts By Hephzibah Frances Watch her videos on her YouTube Channel at - Hephzibah Frances Read her blog at Download FREE eBooks written by her from here


  1. Girlbeingreal

    August 23, 2015 at 10:52 am

    God’s purpose, God’s light shining. Girl, that is sadly not the reality for a lot of people. Oh I get it, you are Christian blogger. You made some good points….

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:12 pm

      Thank you girl being real 🙂
      Yes I am a Christian blogger and I also believe everyone should know that they are here to fill a niche and manifest their lights. No one should let their awesomeness go to waste…nope.

  2. A Real Nigerian

    August 23, 2015 at 11:06 am

    The typical “women being held back” topic which everyone seems to be writing about these days, not because of genuine interest for women empowerment and liberalisation, but because they want to be hailed as the next Chimamanda or just to receive praises for being “thoughtful, brave and modern”.
    I might be wrong, and the writer might actually care about women in the Nigerian society, but still… It doesn’t change the fact that everyone is trying to hog the spotlight by writing on this issue because it is the trendy thing to do.

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      Hey A real Nigerian…we could look at the bright side of everyone trying to write on this because it’s “trendy”…more and more women are awakening to the fact that they can do more and be more..its a great thing!

      And no, I didn’t write for the “trendiness”, this struck me when I had a conversation with my colleague and just thought to share ofcourse 🙂

      Thank you.

    • zirah

      August 24, 2015 at 12:35 am

      Yeah nd I t think its over flogged. Hence boring

    • loma

      August 24, 2015 at 12:44 pm

      I think the writer has real passion for this topic and it comes through in most of her write-ups and comments. You are likely to go on and on about the things you care about afterall …my two kobo

  3. Ross

    August 23, 2015 at 11:24 am

    Nice piece. It is good we women start addressing one another.
    It’s actually my bone of contention with feminists (and people will soon comment calling you one). The feminist believes women have been oppressed and we need to be emancipated and paid equally, bla bla bla.
    I say our problem as women is that we have limited ourselves. We have cursed ourselves. We have squashed ourselves, abusing eachother when things don’t go our selfish way, and so men take advantage.
    It is women who insist on female circumcision. Women who will run eachother down in front of men (something a man would never do to another man, even when he doesn’t know him), and it is we who deridingly goad eachother at public functions, with married women asking single women ‘won’t you settle down?’ ‘you need to reduce your demands’, ‘I’m praying for you’, ‘God will do it for you too’, etc, as if being married is the only calling a woman can have. And the majority of the time, those goading you are unhappy in their lives, because I keep saying the thing about true happiness is that when youre happy, you automatically assume everyone else is happy too, no matter their situation.
    We women need to find out for ourselves what it means to be a woman. And this cannot be defined by what it is to be a man. It is a completely different matter.

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:22 pm

      Love love your comment Ross!

      I wrote an article on women loving themselves and supporting themselves, letting go of the green-eyed demon…its one of our major problems
      When I was younger, I used to be consumed by envy, now, I know enough to pray for a woman who is living forth her light, support her when necessary and uphold her when she needs help.

      It’s not easy to work above the petty envy(i’m being real) but we must do so if we must increase as ladies in the society
      The sky is big enough for us all to shine and we must realize this and walk in the knowledge.

      Thanks Ross!

    • Elohor Henrietta

      August 27, 2015 at 5:25 pm

      Yeah! The Skye is big enough for all (that’s my Bank!!!!) But on a more sober note. This is the right awakening we all need instead of acting like the devil who enjoys eroding every kind of enthusiasm for positive things that will lead to more liberation. This is not even enough. Every girl out there should be educated about purpose and how to make a positive impact no matter how little. This will make the world a better place. Don’t we want to live in a better place? It doesn’t mean that I advocate that women be rude because they are empowered. I love humility, but that don’t mean I let go of God’s plan over me. I am useful. I am woman. I am an instrument in God’s Hands to help someone out there to be a better version everyday. I am a help-meet. I am a blessing. I teach submissiveness to a man (esp. for those that are married), but never loss who you were created to be in the process. Frances keep up the good work!!! There is no stopping this awakening……….

  4. Natu

    August 23, 2015 at 11:44 am

    Africa has a long way to go. I am always shocked by the stories here on bella naija. This is the 21st century for peace sakes. Women can vote, own properties, own businesses etc. Marriage should never be ones life goal. Ladies, empower yourselves economically, spirityally and emotionally. Please stop depending on men for everything. Do you because life is too short!!!!

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:23 pm

      Amen to that Natu!

    • paloma

      August 24, 2015 at 3:36 pm

      Gbam! I’m a very independent lady, tho I have a bf but I hv trained myself to live independently even if he isnt working I still got all I wanted myself.

  5. femfem

    August 23, 2015 at 11:46 am

    Love love love this. Be a happy healthy individual. Live life with purpose. Don’t predicate everything with finding husband. If yo are single, be the best you you can be. Then the right person will come along.

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:25 pm

      Right on all points Femfem!
      We can use singlehood to develop ourselves so much that when the man comes, even he will be in awe.
      The years go by too quickly for us to spend a minute pining over things that we don’t have yet…the years of singlehood are a blessing, we should start seeing it as such.

  6. femfem

    August 23, 2015 at 11:47 am

    Also please realise marriage does not make you happy. Always be in control of your own happiness and wellbeing

  7. DD

    August 23, 2015 at 11:47 am

    Beautiful. Well said.

  8. ÀSÀKÉ

    August 23, 2015 at 11:56 am

    Nice write up. I kind of get the gist, it reminds me of car shopping, a woman cannot drive A or B car because she would intimidate men and send them away.

    In our society, a single lady living by herself in a state/town where family member/relatives live in is strongly frowned at. I don’t think it has anything to do with being resilient, resourceful or strong, I think it has everything to do with security and our societal values/expectation.

    A little over a year ago, I had the discussion of renting an apartment with my mom, her response was “I know our house is not close to your work place, you can stay with one of your brothers, if you don’t want to stay with the married one, move in with the single one, I know they won’t mind, if you insist on getting an apartment, then your cash-flow must be sufficient to enable you get mortgage for Lagos Homes, then I can rent out our house and move in with you but staying alone is not an option”
    In this part of the world, it is expected for a lady to get married after landing a good job or after graduation, a lady living by herself is easily judged or exposed to security risk “so they say”, should we live by the societal judgment – not entirely, but for peace of mind, avoidance of too much conversation bonding with Fam and having more spending money, I have decided to live with family till I get married or move to a town where no relative live in. Trust me, if you were living in another country, your family members won’t mind if you lived alone.
    For all other things apart from housing, everyone irrespective of gender should have their yearly goals/targets but should be willing to tweak it, should they get married or form a strong partnership

    Honestly, I am lucky that my circle of people believe a woman should be everything she wants to be and she should also fall for her own kind so she doesn’t get frustrated in marriage when she is ready to settle down.
    To answer the question you asked the lady, I know where I want to live.

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:30 pm

      Asake, you made some pretty great points!

      I love how your decision not to rent an apartment was predicated on what is realistic – money, security, etc…and not because you are scared of never getting married to someone if you do.

      And you said it better than I did.
      Yes, have goals but be ready to adjust if need be..*s against placing your goals on hold because you are waiting for “him” to arrive.

      I loove loove the fact that you have got supportive and loving circle of people around you.
      We need more families who won’t pressure ladies on the marriage issue but guide them in making right choices irrespective of “biological clock ticking or not”

  9. The real D

    August 23, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    This article resonates with me because my dad was one of those people that said that then God blessed him with me. My dad loves driving and so once he sees someone driving erratically or slowly he will just make that comment and even when he has been wrong he will say ooo “he is just a learner” making excuses if it is a man. Then we (his girls) started driving, I know say I drive like a Nigerian driver or as my sister puts it I have road rage. Now when i drive, he nods and he discusses if I should do cra cra driving or not. So when he says that I always ask him the one you are talking to no be woman??? My dad most likely still makes such sexist comments but he tries not to when i am present.

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:33 pm

      Looool The Real D, I can imagine your face keeping popsi in check…sometimes it’s not their fault,(I don’t know), it’s just as if society has so ingrained it into us that a bad driver must be a woman..if I rack my brain enough, I just might also remember my dad making such comments too.
      We need change sha..!big change.

  10. kim kim

    August 23, 2015 at 12:29 pm

    Great article. Well presented and tabled. I dont know what being a woman has to do with career pursuit or choice of residence. I for one will pursue my dreams and become someone great in life. Being a MRS is not my “be all” of life. I dont know why some women allow themselves to be told what to do by society….no one will dictate how I live my great life

    • Frances Okoro

      August 23, 2015 at 5:36 pm

      Kim Kim, thank God you are well settled on the decision to live above societal pressures/mind sets.
      Yes, marriage is great, yes, almost everyone wants it, but that doesn’t mean that we should while away our lives when it hasn’t become a reality for us.
      Even after getting married, living a purposeful life should still continue. It’s not like marriage ends it all..i hope this truth sinks into us more and more.

      Thanks Kim Kim.

  11. jinkelele

    August 23, 2015 at 1:02 pm

    Ko le to yi Frances.

    The reason I see behind the ‘dont let our daughters go far’ is because of the vulnerability of women in certain locations. If you were married then living far from family so to speak would not matter because you hubby would be your protector so to speak. It reduces somewhat any potential danger you may encounter.

    Do I think ladies should limit themselves…NO. You only have one life to live so keep it moving and enjoy the ride.

    Nevertheless wherever your passion lies and success takes you, consider and take precautions because being a woman will make you more vulnerable to certain things. So whether its buying a car, a house, living on your own, going out at night, travelling around the world.
    If people see you can take adequate care of yourself they will quit bugging you with limits.

    If you sit and wait……when the bus comes it may already be full.

  12. ShineShineShine

    August 23, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    I believe parents are beginning to let go although, this is still work in progress. I also believe the level of education of the parents and their outlook on life to a large extent determines how fast they want to push you I into marriage. Parents mean well especially mothers. Once a girl child is of a certain age and is doing well, the next thing is marriage. And as we all know, once married, the expectation is dat you follow ur husband anywhere his career takes him. Even that is changing. Men Hv been known to follow their wives if the wife’s job presents a developmental opportunity with better perks e.g cross posting to other climes as in “the abroad”. This offers the opportunity of better education for the kids and at times, an avenue to acquire dual citizenship. It is for the woman to know what she wants out of life and choose a spouse that you hv “shared vision” with.

    Now on the matter of “Na woman na” the one that gets my goat is when service providers like taxi drivers etc say “……l get ya kind for house….” Meaning you should know ur place. When you tell me dat. My small crase just surfaces.

  13. Truly

    August 23, 2015 at 1:09 pm

    Thank you Frances for such an encouraging article.

    Others indeed need the light in us while we wait. Might I also add that the “waiting” does not always have a time limit. It may take much longer than one expects to find that man (if one finds him at all). These days even the basic qualities that one yearns for in a husband (like being God fearing) are so rare its scary.

    In the mean time there is a life to live (and bills to be paid). There are horizons to be explored and lives to be affected. There’s a reason I was born into this generation and a purpose for which I am still here in this world.

    I have decided, man or no man, I will live my life to the fullest!!!!!

    I will reach and touch the sky. I will go to places I’ve always dreamed to go. I will do those things that having a husband and children would have made impossible (or a bit more difficult). I will honour God’s temple (my body). It was not made for immorality. I will be the Woman that God created me to be. Yes, by His grace, I will.

    Thank you once again.

    • treasure

      August 24, 2015 at 9:29 am

      excellent decision sweetie, our light must shine!

    • Frances Okoro

      August 24, 2015 at 2:25 pm

      Now I should frame your comment Truly and hang it up where women will see.
      I know the waiting period gets hard sometimes but a decision to use it for awesome things always pays.

  14. Dr, N

    August 23, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Men, I have a dad who sets high standards. The expectations of d girls r even higher. He told us he chose my mom cos of her brains. She takes no prisoners, he was a doctor when they could be counted on 1 hand. So he keeps tabs on me, even today. Career goals etc. Tells me to space d kids.
    I don’t even get what anyone means by “na woman na”

    • Frances Okoro

      August 24, 2015 at 2:29 pm

      I wish that what they mean by “na woman na” would change Dr N..
      And wow! Your dad keeps tabs on you even now, talk about someone always encouraging you to reach for the sky..noting that as something I will do for my kids…
      Reminds me of the argument between my dad and mom when she said I should “stay near”, my dad said she should go, I don’t even want any of you to just sit in sef. the world needs our light…

  15. miss Pynk

    August 23, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    Wow I guess I am lucky…only female child in the midst of 3 males. I lived alone for over 10 years in Lagos and 5 other countries. My father was always quick to tell me to organise and plan my life without waiting for if and when husband shows up. He, encouraged me acquire assets …he always knows where they are selling property and calls my attention to it and pushed me to buy. Dude even told me how i could rise to VP of a company I worked for, i had to tell him i was tired of said job etc. He discusses a lof of his investments and plans etc in his own way to encourageme to think forward etc.

    Nowhe has been reporting one of my childhood friends to me and how at over 30 she needs to go and live alone in lagos- that I should talk to her, that maybe she will even find a husband faster since she told him she is single. Lol?

    I guess it really just depends on the parents.

  16. Ese

    August 23, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    Thank you for this piece. This is exactly the dilemma I’m faced with. I wanted to serve in another state apart from home so I can experience some place else for a change but mum said no,it has to be Lagos. I want to live on my own before I get married but I am 100% sure my mum won’t hear of it,especially as my brother is still in the house. It’s so choking most times the way girls are so held back. I don’t know what to do

    • Frances Okoro

      August 24, 2015 at 2:41 pm

      Hello Ese, a good heart to heart talk with our parents always help – atleast that’s what I do with my mom…I bare my heart, tell her my reasons for what I want to do and ask for prayers from her… you can try that too.
      *hugs and hugs*

  17. Krasavitsa

    August 23, 2015 at 3:06 pm

    Nice article. After reading this, lots of thoughts went through my mind and I will express some of those thoughts (sorry if this ends in an epistle)
    1. Why are there so many articles directed at #womenempowerment? I think we’ve reached the stage in nigeria where women need to realise that we are already empowered. Overflogging the issue doesn’t increase or decrease that power; it just shows we really haven’t accepted our power.
    2. The percentage of unempowered women who actually need articles like this may not have access to the internet as they may be stuck in rural areas without basic education.
    3. Tbh, women have a higher chance of landing a job than men do in 9ja. I went for an interview once and got a round of applause from the male interviewers while my male counterparts didn’t get so much as a nod of satisfaction.
    4. Yes nigerian men are still irritatingly sexist. But I feel patience is key here; just as #womenempowerment wasn’t achieved in a day, sexism can’t end overnight. It is important though, to point out sexist comments and make the men and women who make them see the light.

  18. Agro

    August 23, 2015 at 3:23 pm

    Sorry to go off topic….ehen… I would be 26 later in the year and single. That’s no problem abi? But the way this body of mine has been craving for sex these weeks ehn!!! Its like its revolting. Like its saying 26years and no show,abeg gimme the
    And I don’t do self service.
    Sorry I just needed to rant!?

    • Krasavitsa

      August 23, 2015 at 7:34 pm

      Loool. It’s off topic alright but still funny. Might I suggest. radical or palliative relief methods?
      Radical; find that niccur with d “D” that is willing to give it, then, take it, take it and sister, keep taking it! You’d find the rush of endorphins really helps relieve stress (also prevents random off topic outbursts, lol)
      Palliative; take a very cold shower, immerse yourself in work, watch a lot of non-provoking movies, etc etc, u get d drift. This may help you momentarily forget the current rush of hormones that you feel.
      Not-so-radical; find a good dildo and try not to judge urself – no one is judging u.

    • Idomagirl

      August 24, 2015 at 9:19 am

      Hahahahahahahaha….it’s not easy o!!! Lai, lai….

    • treasure

      August 24, 2015 at 9:58 am

      Hi, fellow 26-year old, I try to workout and do other stuff like hanging out more with friends, body no be firewood but with His grace, we survive and thrive!

  19. marianna

    August 23, 2015 at 3:50 pm

    The reality is that in our society a woman is only successful when she’s married and stay married.

  20. Motola

    August 23, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    This sums up my life right now….Been married totally in our society is the beginning of all things “sacrificial”…I know it sounds absurd using sacrificial in those terms but it is what it is!
    We women start with “Oh who will cook for him”, “His clothes nko”, What will he or the mother in law think of me and the whole 9 yards.
    I left my high end job in Lagos to live elsewhere and trust me it’s been the greatest mistake I ever made..People ask my to reflect on my past not as a mistake but a “sacrifice”I had to make to work things out with the hubby’s family and I asked myself”What was I thinking!” ;How could I ever ever make such mistake putting my life and career on hold just cos I didn’t want someone else to thibk I wasnt a good wife but now I think “Why couldn’t he make the sacrifice for me,Why did I have to be the one who left my friends,Family; Colleagues and all things I knew as the norm?
    This is an amazing piece as it reflect what our society sees us women as…Chattel….Sounds men but it’s the honest truth

    • Personal Signature

      August 24, 2015 at 9:19 am


      1. You could have stayed back in lagos to continue with your job and you both do weekend visiting of each other till you get a good job in his own location. I know many that do this, although not advisable.

      2. Thinking why he couldnt sacrifice for you and move to lagos with you? Would you mind if the guy was in your shoes depending on you for everything? feeding, clothing? all expenses on you? house rent, feeding all on you? and you wouldnt complain or get fed up?

      3. Well it has happened already. Is the guy playing his role? if he is taking care of all the expenses, taking care of you, just endure till a better job comes.

      4. You dont have to wait for an office job. If he is well to do, or yourself (since you said you had something good going on for yourself before), let him open up a store, supermarket, an outlet, a unisex salon, ….for you. You wouldn’t have to spend much time unlike you being in the office, you would have time for other things like baking, designing or any other are of interest and even have more time for yourself and family while the money keeps coming in from the investments.


    • Motola

      August 25, 2015 at 4:17 am

      Ahem…..Need I say I have 2 masters degrees;3 professional courses under my belt…

  21. Frances Okoro

    August 23, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    Kim Kim, thank God you are well settled on the decision to live above societal pressures/mind sets.
    Yes, marriage is great, yes, almost everyone wants it, but that doesn’t mean that we should while away our lives when it hasn’t become a reality for us.
    Even after getting married, living a purposeful life should still continue. It’s not like marriage ends it all..i hope this truth sinks into us more and more.

    Thanks Kim Kim.

  22. Grace

    August 23, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    Have to say Frances, your writeup was cliche.

    Men and women while being equals are also different. I have heard mothers tell their sons not to eat meals prepared by women they do not know coz they could be ‘jazzed’. Do you hear the men complain. By virtue of being male or female, you are prone to different dangers which doesn’t make any gender inferior to the other. We should encourage men and women to understand their differences in strengths and weaknesses and complement each other and yes, fathers are protective of daughters while they let their sons ‘face life’ because the men need to learn to protect their women. Now some of you are going to say you don’t need protection and later complain when your husband doesn’t protect you.

    Ladies, be your best woman. Being a woman is fun. And Bella, this topic has been overflogged

    • Teris

      August 24, 2015 at 8:35 am

      actually, no, the topic has not been over-flogged cos a lot of women have not come to terms with what may appear so obvious to you.
      a lot of women have not learnt to think strategically.
      a lot of women will still sigh, brace themselves and just go-with-it.
      a lot of women will still perpetuate self-limitation on their daughters cos that’s what mama-said-to-do.
      a lot of women will still feel bound to gratitude if they happen to snag the guy who is perceptive and considerate.
      a lot of women, desperate to keep the family unit watch their sons turn into their fathers.

      and just how many is “a lot”? it includes the lot not living in fast-paced Lagos,the lot who don’t look up these articles on sites like BN, the lot who are limited in their choices whether by religion, location or tradition.

      i believe in balance and good sense not necessarily extreme feminist agendas.
      and most of all, i believe in doing a thing for the right reason – but whatever the reason, doing it and taking full responsibility of your choice in the matter or acknowledging your lack of voice in desperate circumstances.

    • Idomagirl

      August 24, 2015 at 9:10 am

      No it hasn’t. As long as women and young girls are constantly told to put their dreams on hold or not even dream at all because of marriage or simply because they are women, posts like this will always be relevant.

  23. troubled conscience

    August 23, 2015 at 7:48 pm

    exactly jimkeleke. i was a good girl (was because i dont know what i am now)
    staying in a town without relatives make one vulnerable. am an example. i stayed back after nysc for a 20k job. a married guy became a friend to me. suddenly, the friendship turned to something i dont want. i had sex with the married young man because he has been helping me out in hard times for a year now and i feel indebted. the sex happened on wednesday. i hate myself. for someone who has never cheated on my man, the only man in my life prior to this.
    the sermon today was ‘repent or your sins will find you out’. i feel stuck. if i cut him off who will assist me and be a friend in this strange land? i wish i could go home. but its too late. i have done the forbidden. i havent slept in days.i keep regretting. i hate myself.
    sorry if i bothered you with this. i want to confess. it is choking. i cant pray anymore.

    • Personal Signature

      August 24, 2015 at 9:07 am

      Hey dear,

      Sorry about the condition you found yourself/you got yourself in to. This is the reason we are encouraged to flee from every appearance of evil. The devil can have his way as long as we give room for him.

      However, it has happened. You were touched by that sermon, you have repented (if you haven’t, do) Then you need to cut off the relationship, no matter what it will cost you.

      Next, how are you going to survive in the strange land?
      1. You can faith it. God can sustain you
      2. Live within your means. This means you have to live within that 20k
      3. If the job is not worth it, why scared of going back? Spread your tentacles. You step out, God steps out with you. Even if you dont go back, this means you are going to stay back, continue with the 20k job, still with this guy, and the do must definitely happen.

      much luv dear

    • Jhennique

      August 25, 2015 at 9:52 am

      Go home love. Its never too late no matter what u have done. Forgive yourself, go home and be with family. Cut him off! be happy. live! We all make horrible mistakes at one tim eor the other

  24. kim kim

    August 23, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    Motola, ur story is so sad. God, u gave up everything just because U found a man?? I hope ur marriage works out, but I know I would rather die than let that happen. I dont plan to change for any man.

    • Motola

      August 24, 2015 at 7:08 am

      Tell me about it…..its been the hardest trial I’ve ever had to face Buh slow and steady..Our marriage almost didn’t work though cos u know y!!Had no one to talk to so I was practically on my own for about a year and half.
      It wasn’t the joblessness that got to me but the psychological trauma of not having somewhere to go in the mornings almost turned me into a nutcase.
      Am sorta over it now as am out searching for something to do and hoping to get myself out of this as soon as I can
      My nee motto is” Shit happens……What’s happened is already in the past;how do we fix this ”

      Please do say a prayer for me though

  25. kim kim

    August 23, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    Frances, u are most welcomed

  26. Tim

    August 23, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    Am 20yrs,in d uni,nd i ave dis stong brlieve dat me being a female is not a mistake,am a female doesnt mean i’ll end up being a man’s slave,i believe am born to release my potentail nd impact peoples lives,my mum tells me i ave no limitation,nd my dad always tell me dat wat a man can do i can do better.i am born to b a world champion nd not a house champion,women,pls lets know dat we soar higher dan d eagle if we believe.

  27. jane

    August 23, 2015 at 10:05 pm

    After reading this post, I have decided not to degrade a fellow sister in anyway no matter the temptation( nt dt I’m a lady…but we ladies should support ourselves sensibly…(coz sm pple do d whole women empowerment to a level detrimental 2 demselves)… nice article…I totally agree with the fact that a woman must have her hopes and dreams and should be supported to pursue them. However all ds bf nd hubby shall b bashed anyday anytym…*evil laff*

  28. CurvesAndEdges

    August 24, 2015 at 4:32 am

    I totally get where you are coming from, and I’m on the train with the female independence and empowerment thing. However, I think at the same time, a woman can absolutely chase her dreams but at the same time be flexible with some decisions because she desires to make them with a life partner. I am a high flying career type of person but if you ask me now where I would like to live eventually – the truth is I do not know. Geography is less of a priority to me and it is a decision I would like to make with a man I call husband. It doesn’t mean I won’t do my thing while I’m single but I make no apologies letting anyone know that I haven’t yet imagined out the intricate details (including geography) of where I would be in 5 years because that would depend on whom I’m with at the time. Some things I know… like what I would have liked to achieve in terms of my career. But some things I do not know, and will not pretend to know.

  29. Enough Already

    August 24, 2015 at 8:42 am

    Enough of these please, enough!

    Virtually everyday, we see this on BN.

    Know a little about human psychology? That which you claim or intend to potray as nothing is what comes out more of your mouth, head, thoughts….Even the scriptures say out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh

    You all seem to make men to be nothing or portray yourself as a superwoman, but in the real sense of it, all you think of, write about, blog about, prose about, vlog about is about men. Is the men aspect the only angle to the life of a woman/lady? Think about something else and write about my friend.

    You are so delusional. The girl was being right. You asked her and she was truthful cos where she will settle down permanently would be largely determined by her husband. To think that she is waiting for her husband is your problem and a feminist problem.. Parents want their girls to stay close so they can protect them from the schemes of men, from evil people out there, from attacks, rape, … it.

    It is people like you that cry at night for husband and come here and write gibberish. Did you say you have a book chastity for men? long hiss! 1. With your biased thoughts? 2. What do you know? Do you know how it works in men? If you have never gone through the path, never think you have a solution to successfully walking thru the path!

    Ctrl shift jo

    • paloma

      August 24, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      Highly supported! Me being independent doesn’t mean I don’t need a man, in life we just need companions.

  30. Idomagirl

    August 24, 2015 at 9:17 am

    Thank you Frances for this post & please kindly ignore those who say this topic has been overflogged.

    For as long as I can remember till now, I still hear this ‘you’re a woman don’t dream too big’, ‘you’re a woman why do you want to live on your own?’ nonsense and not even from strangers, from close family members.

    A lot of us do not know how damaging this is to girls and society. Wouldn’t we be more advanced if one half of our population is encouraged to dream big and reach for the stars instead of teaching them to dream of nothing beyond marriage?

    This is 2015 please, we should have moved beyond this.

  31. treasure

    August 24, 2015 at 10:27 am

    Hmmn, nice article. I’m at this stage in my life where everyone around me (immediate family and friends) is talking marriage. I do believe its a great thing and I really look forward to meeting “the one” but honestly, I’ve put a number of things on hold, concentrating my prayers/time on marriage. However, I always feel like time is passing me by. For example, I kind of put my plans to travel out of Nigeria on hold cuz I’ve hoping to get hooked here and didn’t want the problem of long distance *covers face*. I really need to strike a balance though, God’s promises for a life-partner will come to pass but I should also progress in other areas of my life. I need constructive advice…

    • Busola

      August 24, 2015 at 11:12 am

      Don’t put your life on hold. Try out new things because you don’t know how God will answer your prayer. Blessing, has a location, and if God has placed it in your heart to move location, that might be your cue.

  32. [email protected]

    August 24, 2015 at 11:39 am

    I’m woman, but I believe you should point out a more stronger argument than this.

  33. janed

    August 24, 2015 at 12:46 pm


  34. Frances Okoro

    August 24, 2015 at 2:41 pm

    Hello Ese, a good heart to heart talk with our parents always help – atleast that’s what I do with my mom…I bare my heart, tell her my reasons for what I want to do and ask for prayers from her… you can try that too.
    *hugs and hugs*

  35. Frances Okoro

    August 24, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Hello Treasure, perhaps my own walk in this will help you…

    I have always thought that Lagos will be it for me, Lagos will be where I will serve, work and meet the
    But towards the end of law School, I became more focused on praying that God’s will will be done in my life including where I will live and God sent me to Ekiti for service. Talk about burst of bubble!
    But I knew I had prayed so my heart was settled and. Believe me, this state has been one lesson or the other, a building foundation for me…
    Now it’s almost time to move again, soon to pass out and again I am seeking God’s will for where to go…
    Now, I am not putting in mind that He should take me to somewhere where I will see the man or thinking about that as a pre-requisite, why?
    Because I know His will is always best for me.
    It’s not easy to believe that but here’s what helps me.
    Psalm 139.
    God knows the lenght and stuffs that should take part in the days of life He has given to me.
    If He sends me to Jos today, I know it’s cuz He has stuff waiting there for me.

    And He is a matchmaker you know? Did Rebecca know that the day she went to the well was the day she would meet the servant who linked her to Isaac? No.
    But right where she was, God brought her man to her.

    The gist of this is, if somewhere is in your heart to go/something in your heart to do, do it.
    So far as you are right where God wants you, He will make all the pieces fall into place including the piece of your marital destiny.
    I speak to myself too, all we can do is trust and believe that God has got us.
    *hugs and hugs sister.

  36. Agro

    August 26, 2015 at 5:58 pm

    Thanks sisters…its getting better.Will keep the faith while I await moving to permanent site…hehehe. Thankssss

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