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Susan J-Enyenihi: Are ‘Cheat-Free’ Relationships Possible?

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It is interesting how a scene from a movie can spark up a debate. Isn’t it?
Myself and a couple of friends agreed to have a ‘house get-together’ during the public holidays. The whole idea was to avoid the noise and crowd that usually comes with Lagos public places during such festivities.
Until the scene which initiated the discussion, we all had been watching a movie in silence. It happened to be an unpopular one, probably low-budget too and we all wondered why we were watching it as the story was yet to reach a climax.

Since there were no alternatives, as the rains had disrupted the cable service and another friend had forgotten to bring cool movies as promised, we watched and ate in silence. At least there was good food and everyone turned up.

Cut to the hero scene…
Husband, Mr. Chase is framed by a psycho. Oga psycho sends Mrs. Chase a picture of her husband and secretary in his office. The picture shows ‘Sece’ massaging hubby’s neck.
Mrs. Chase queries husband and Mr. Man denies it, expressing shock and disgust that ‘wifey’ could suspect him. Mrs. Chase is upset and reminds Mr. Chase that this is not his first time.

Mr. Chase screams in disbelief. He explains that the secretary made advances but he refused them. He says that if there were worse pictures, Oga psycho should have sent them. He is shocked that his wife still remembers his previous escapade. In his own words ‘that happened 17 years ago and we were not even married’.
Mrs. Chase starts to cry. She accuses hubby of inviting his ‘side dish’ to a fund-raising dinner which held in their house. She believes that the worse pictures were not sent as hubby was smart to take his business to a very private place. She insists that the phone records and champagne/flowers receipts are additional proof of his escapades. She asks Mr. Chase to LEAVE HER ALONE!

Na so everybody begin talk o…
Some were of the opinion that the woman had not totally forgiven her husband .Others felt that she had forgiven her husband but sometimes knowing that one has been cheated on makes one a paranoid human being. Another group asked why she stayed in such relationship when she was not guaranteed peace of mind? Someone else reasoned that starting a fresh relationship was no guarantee for a cheat-free experience.
My friends sabi coin grammar eh! Cheat-free? Hian!

Trust the women present to query the intentions of the man inviting his secretary to the dinner. Was he laying another foundation to cheat on his wife?
Women sha and analysis!

I listened in silence and amusement. I was not going to allow my food get cold because of a movie that I was not even enjoying sef.
Then Judith (not real name) spoke. This time, she talked about a personal experience. It made the rest of us keep quiet.

‘It is a tricky situation. I remember when my boyfriend cheated on me, it hurt me badly. What made matters worse was that when I confronted him, he looked me in the eye and denied the allegations’.
‘Before nko? Will he nail his own coffin without concrete evidence?’ I thought.
‘I remember the torture. I remember how paranoid I became. What hurt was that the lady he had an affair with, prepared for a showdown at his house. I kept cool. The person I had issues with was my boyfriend at the time.’
‘Women fighting for what belongs to them, since 1906.’ I thought again.
‘As expected, I forgave him. But the event made me worse than doubting Thomas. Every phone call, message he received made me uncomfortable. When he stayed out late nights ,I refused to believe that he was at the office. To cut a long story short, I had to counsel myself. I weighed my options. Do I stay? Do I leave? From all indications, it was a fling. Was he a good man? Did I still love him? I gave myself months to decide. I think what is important is that the one hurting should be allowed the freedom to heal. At the time, my boyfriend did just that. For months, he fought to get me back. Sometimes he would get upset knowing that I still suspected him. One time, he told me that he didn’t care anymore what I thought about him. That one pained me o. But I gave it time. Few months down the line, I realized that I still loved him. I had refused to date the numerous men who were at my beck and call. Two years later, I married him.’

What?! My jaw dropped.
In our eyes, Judith and her husband were the perfect couple. They did no wrong.
While we all sat in silence at the revelation, Judith and her husband laughed away.
It was obvious that these two had found their own kind of love. The reason for Peter (not real name) to commit such act was in a way understandable. I can’t go into details here and yes they know I will be writing this piece. My ever-active mind wondered what I will do in that situation. God forbid, I banished the thoughts promptly.
The discussion continued, as Judith’s husband was more active this time.

I could not but wonder the damage that cheating could cause in a relationship, especially in a marriage. Some folks have zero tolerance for cheating while others can twist the rules a bit, in defense, that there are different types of ‘side-affairs’. That is a topic for another day.
Here is my question, is it is possible to enjoy a ‘cheat-free’ relationship? How does one ‘cheat-proof’ his/her relationship?

This topic might sound cliché but as a single young woman who is usually hassled with a lot of relationship stories and questions, I would love to know what you guys think.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Brainsil

Susan Johnson-Enyenihi is a marketing communications professional. Call her,a self-proclaimed shoe addict and a happiness enthusiast. She believes in ‘doing the do’ and ‘living life’.

42 Comments

  1. dera

    October 8, 2015 at 12:44 pm

    9ice write up dear… if I don’t cheat I expect my boo or hubby to do same i believe it’s as simple as dat

  2. Missappleberry

    October 8, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    My own is about Susan Enyenihi. What does “doing the do” mean in that her profile?

    • ogeAdiro

      October 8, 2015 at 1:48 pm

      The babe na like ịhe ọtịta.. She likes to chop something… No time!

  3. Adewale

    October 8, 2015 at 1:17 pm

    Beautiful write-up! However, it’s so funny whenever the term infidelity in relationship or marriage is being mentioned, virtually all the examples will always point at ‘a particular guy or man’ but not ‘ a particular lady or woman’.
    Let me ask this question. Do guys sleep with each other or they sleep with ladies? Maybe I’m diverting from the real topic itself. Ok. From the experience I’ve had in life, the best male cheats and flirts are trained and properly schooled by women( females friends, ex etc).
    Think about it ladies, You’re presently either unconsciously or consciously training a man around you to be a cheat or flirt. Think about this

    • Nahum

      October 8, 2015 at 4:13 pm

      You are stupid and weak and that is why you are blaming the women. A real man takes responsibility for his actions. But you are just a boy

  4. iyke

    October 8, 2015 at 1:35 pm

    A man is basically as cheat – free as his options. There will always going to be a struggle with his commitment not to cheat especially if he is a desirable man. But at the end of the day, every man’s got a choice to make …..Commitment or Cheating.
    Only YOU will have to make that choice.

    • Anon

      October 8, 2015 at 1:57 pm

      A man is basically a cheat…

      Lies that men tell.

    • Realist

      October 8, 2015 at 2:12 pm

      Your body too dey pepper you

      A man is basically as cheat – free as his options
      is different from
      A man is basically a cheat.

      You only saw what is in your head!

    • Anon

      October 8, 2015 at 4:29 pm

      Iyke – oh cheat-free! Fingers as demons!!

    • Tosin

      October 8, 2015 at 6:43 pm

      i’m getting a rash over this thing. this word, cheating.
      look, as a prerequisite to cheating, there must have been a law or compact saying if you do this, it’s within the rules, if you do that, it’s cheating. And the way people throw the cheating word about shows that they are making assumptions that such a compact was entered into. But was it? When? Are you sure? And were you in full control of your senses when you entered into that agreement? Did you sign? Did you know what you were signing? Because truly honestly the number of people that can swear on pain of death that they will never NEVER do xyz till they die (eat potatoes, touch another woman, visit another country, practise a religion, even kill a person ) is close to zero. In line with this, many people do not have the belief in what my Christian friend was telling me marriage means: that you won’t sleep with another person again. First of all, I never heard that in the vows. Never. Second, why not focus on the POSITIVE MEANING of marriage and relationships – what it enables/empowers you to do, to care, be responsible, nurture children, etc etc etc to infinity because people keep adding to the list of what marriage is anyway best friend, travel partner, sex god/goddess, cook and caregiver, financier and adviser, and we’re just getting started. So why not be grateful for the positive meaning of the relationship which is the general idea of marriage , rather than obsessing over the negative meaning, the thou shalt nots, the restrictions.
      That story about fences and wells comes to mind. How you can keep the livestock on the farm by building fences, sure, but more cheaply by putting water in the middle of the farm and saving cost on fencing.

      Woah, that was very long.

      Please only use the word cheating when you mean cheating. Thank you. This is in response to “commitment or cheating” being the universe of choices and me being anal about logic loool so no the union of commitment and cheating is not the universal set. Lol. I’m ridiculous. Ignore. 😀

    • ADEDOYIN

      October 9, 2015 at 12:12 pm

      BRAVO!!!!
      Of fences and walls…..

  5. onetallgirl

    October 8, 2015 at 1:47 pm

    There is such a thing as a cheat-free relationship, if a man cares about his woman he will not be tempted to cheat, same with women, if a women cares enough about her man she will not cheat. When someone cheats in an relationship, it means they can’t give a DAMN about their partner and they no respect for their partner. Cheating is not a mistake, its a choice.

    • AnotherTallGirl

      October 8, 2015 at 4:06 pm

      I agree with you with it being a choice & about respect for one’s partner. I was in a similar situation. So over the summer I was in Nigeria for a wedding, in the spirit of being on vacation & having a good time I met a good looking bloke. Long story short is that I was in a situation where I would have cheated on my bf of a year plus. All I could think & I told the bloke was that I was with someone that I had too much respect for to do that to. Forget that I am in love with my bf o, all that was in my head was that I respect him too much to that to him & myself plus I knew it wasn’t going to be the beginning of a happily ever story with me & the bloke. So I will like to say that I made the choice not to mess up for just a couple of days of a good time. It was not easy one bit just so you know. Plus if you see the relieve I felt when I left the city the bloke was in ehnnnn… It cannot be explained.

      Trust me, it was a learning experience because I was on the team of I will never, never, ever cheat. I can never do that or condone that. But how easily that happened made me realised that sometimes certain situations make you venerable & withstanding it takes a certain strong will.

    • Abz

      October 8, 2015 at 8:40 pm

      Lololol! Well, I did but that’s a storybook another time

    • NaijaPikin

      October 8, 2015 at 7:54 pm

      Temptation has nothing to do with caring. Even Jesus was tempted. Temptation is a given, acting on it is a different matter

  6. poison ivy

    October 8, 2015 at 1:51 pm

    Cheat free relationship is a bit unrealistic especially in PH mehnnn……..
    Just have fun wherever you find your self and hope for the best. There’s no perfect couple or relationship, forget IG claiming.
    He cheats, you cheat…..Simple!!
    Life’s too short for heart breaks and ache.
    Quit having unrealistic expectations towards a fellow human being.
    If you hate being cheated on, switch it up and be the cheated with it, whatever works for you.
    Grow a tough skin and stop draining the life out of every relationship with emotional stuff.

    Disclaimer ; This rule doesn’t apply to married folks. Only Jesus can fix Una own.#udo!!

    • Realist

      October 8, 2015 at 2:09 pm

      real Port-Harcourt girl
      i hail u
      wink

    • Tkum

      October 8, 2015 at 2:46 pm

      their own eh… i dey give them hand sha… after u don swear n recite vow finish, they sting to ur head… d pains u feel when hubby cheats…

    • Iris

      October 8, 2015 at 2:47 pm

      Lol but if you cheat like it is normal when you’re in an unmarried relationship how will you suddenly stop cheating when you marry? I think that’s a bit unrealistic. You cannot change overnight because of marriage.

    • nene

      October 9, 2015 at 12:58 am

      gbam. ph people are just crazy.

    • dex

      October 9, 2015 at 3:16 pm

      Hahahahahaha ” married folks”

  7. two tall girl

    October 8, 2015 at 2:07 pm

    Me just wondering if all we think of is about love, relationship, cheating, how to survive in a man’s world, coping after break up, abuse, cheat free relationship?

    Seems all the writers are relationship and love bound

    Girls be thinking and writing about men and relationship everyday, yet claim they dont need men in their lives

  8. Rynyx

    October 8, 2015 at 2:10 pm

    to answer the question, yes a cheat- free relationship is possible. fidelity is a choice that both partners have to decide to practice. trust me, it saves you a lot of headache. there is no perfect couple I agree but that is not a yardstick to add to the list of your imperfections with infidelity. it takes a lot of discipline to stay faithful even for women. if you consider the commitment you both have made to each other, it may act as a check for you to honour the vows at all times.

  9. Yolanda

    October 8, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    I am here just to read the comments!!!!!

  10. niyoola

    October 8, 2015 at 2:24 pm

    Yes, there are cheat free relationships.
    If you have committed yourself to your partner and you love the person, you should not cheat.
    Your ethics and morals also matter.
    I think it is very lazy to assume there are no Cheat-Free relationships. It is very possible.
    Giving people free passes like “men will be men’ etc just gives people the oft needed excuse to cheat. But in all of this, when a cheating partner is faced with the possibility of their own partner cheating, they get scared and try to stop.
    IMO, this shows that if people will not suffer any consequences for their actions, the have no issues with cheating.
    Nigeria has a very high percentage of paternity fraud. HAve you thought about the effects of this on the soceity: The father, mother, the ‘illegitimate’ child, the sibling of the child, the extended family, the lies and trust issues that will arise? And that’s just WRT to a woman cheating. We have numerous children born from these illicit affairs, STDs, the effects on your psyche etc.
    IWhat was the question again? :s

    • Manny

      October 9, 2015 at 1:36 am

      yimu Nigeria has a high % of maternity fraud too. Sebi men have those children outside? What about women that chop and clean mouth and bring baby daddy belle for their husbands.

    • Niyoola

      October 9, 2015 at 8:47 am

      Please if you don’t know the meaning of a word, check it up before responding to comments.
      Paternity fraud is passing off someone else’s child as your husband’s.

  11. Cheeway

    October 8, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    On different occasions guys have told me that every guy has a main girlfriend and a back-up. Lucky art thou if you’re the main.

  12. chi-e-z

    October 8, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    wait a cheat-free relationship with a naija guy. ha ha ha – I just heard naija women from ages come to now in all areas laugh… y do people like to delieve in fairy tales. on the real though is a struggle for me as a girl to stay faithful in a relationship talkless of a guy who usually has less penance for cheating than a girl. please just don’t ever put me in a packed room of abs,sexy lips,and cute faces I’ll be swaying from left to right without discrepancy

  13. Tosin

    October 8, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    in the name of all things beautiful, leave all this olopa work and enjoy yourself. “how do you cheat-proof your relationship?” what are you cheat-proofing? Dangote is cheat-proofing his businesses, you corner one prick on one man say na that one you go dey mai-gadi for the rest of your time on earth. Why? Is there really such a dearth of hobbies in this country or what?

  14. Zay

    October 8, 2015 at 3:16 pm

    It really depends. Sometimes u cld let go, some times u cnt

  15. Annie

    October 8, 2015 at 3:24 pm

    Well, I believe there’s a Cheat-Free relationship as there is a Cheat-Full relationship but then again It all depends on the level of love one feels towards the other person, 90% of us have been cheated on or done the cheating and one way or the other we get forgiven and other times its the opposite. Its a two way street.

  16. Ifeyinwa Mic

    October 8, 2015 at 4:28 pm

    Cheat-free relationships are possible. I’ve never been of the opinion that all men cheat because I’ve known some, although few, that do not. Like one poster mentioned, it takes a conscious commitment and discipline not to cheat on your S.O. I think the problem is that society is TOO forgiving of men who cheat thus creating an environment that promotes/excuses/expects it. I had a conversation with my own mother about it the other day and she was 100% certain that ALL men cheat. “It’s just a man thing,” she said. the whole conversation just made me cringe. How disheartening it can be! I’ve made a commitment to myself to never accept a cheating spouse. I’ve been cheating on before and the paranoia and insecurity that it breeds is unhealthy and takes a toll on a person. I am NOT going through that with the person that I vow to live the rest of my life with.

  17. ednutey

    October 8, 2015 at 4:31 pm

    IMO…cheating in a relationship b4 marriage is a choice,it can be excused to an extent – call me a culprit(My Opinion o).
    The only kind of cheating THAT SHOULD NEVER BE FORGIVEN,is when a woman brings in a child that isnt her husband’s and she lets him raise that child(or even worse, children)making him think he owns he/she(or them).THAT KIND SHOULD NEVER BE FORGIVEN by human beings,only God can forgive that one,cos I think that’s the most WICKED,CALLOUS,MOST HATEFUL(just kill that person)kind of thing you can do to another fellow human being.
    If you get pregnant by another Man,the same guts u had to sleep with him wyl married,that same guts should come to play in telling him that ure with child that doesn’t belong to him.

    #justkillthatmanabegthanlethimfathersomeoneelseschild

  18. Drknite

    October 8, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    All men like the house chicken, but sometimes men need to taste the neighbor’s fish.

  19. Tosin

    October 8, 2015 at 6:49 pm

    And for those who prefer to swear monogamy and all that, can we have like a weekly day of diversity, like maybe every Sunday or something, all Christianly married men and women are allowed to hang out with other people (we’ll provide contraception so that there’s no risk to the monogamous nuclear family) . So you’re still with your primary spouse but you get the social benefits of exercising your need to see other people. Then we can throw away the word cheating, well, reserve it for those who hook up outside from Monday to Saturday lol.

    I’m just trying to point out how arbitrary this game of marriage is that y’all have set up. And as long as you’re having fun, sure, make up rules and get upset and play out the whole joyous drama of life. But if you are not feeling it, step out of the matrix. That’s all.

  20. Aj

    October 8, 2015 at 7:32 pm

    If everyone could just point to the bible, wether we like it or not or believe it or not and not have sex outside of marriage (that includes adultery) we won’t be having these conversations. But as long as people continue being disobedient to God’s words, these conversations, heart aches, pain, and the list goes on, will continue. Can’t humans see where the problem lies? Disobedience.

  21. ElessarisEllendil

    October 8, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    OP, you watch low-budget poorly made movies with you friends, so you all can laugh at how crappy/cliche it is, at-least that’s what I do with mine.

    Sure cheat-free relationships are possible, most of us are in one right one. Years ago you make a choice, sometimes out of peer pressure or perhaps you liked the way they play or perhaps their colours, more often than not you just choose the best. You spend money on this relationship and yet you don’t complain, you endure emotional highs and lows and yet you still stay loyal, more often than not they disappoint you and make stupid decisions but still you’re committed.

    If you can live without cheating on your football club(especially my Arsenal brothers/sisters) transferring the emotion to a fellow human being can’t be as hard you think, there is no limitation on human self-discipline. In theory at-least.

    • AnotherTallGirl

      October 9, 2015 at 7:34 am

      Hahahaha!
      As an Arsenal fan for the pass 13+ years our loyalty game is very strong!!!!

  22. Paul Babalola

    October 8, 2015 at 11:40 pm

    I forsee that in the next 50 years, the institution called Marriage would have disappeared. Men and women cheating in marriage raising children who do not see the holy sanctity of marriage. It is well

  23. Teekay

    October 9, 2015 at 8:34 am

    Me i have it at the back of my mind that men would alwayz be men and at a point they could cheat.. But i cant do any investigation as regards cheating. If you are mine u are mine it not something is definitely going to seperate us! I just put it in prayers and thats it..
    But what suprises me this days is the level at which girls cheat mern its really on the high side… I just belive that once u cheat in a relationship you are definitely going to cheat in marriage its inevitable! Only the grace of God can help you.
    If you are tired of a relationship why not end it and safe yourself of all this nonsense!

  24. mrnobody

    October 9, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Yes it is possible..but just note that if you have a man that aint cheating, be prepared to contend with other possible flaws that may even be worse than cheating..

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