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Esco: My Celebrity Crush

Esco

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Tiwa_Savage's_studio_portrait copyMany moons ago, I met this chick in the most unusual manner.

She and some bored friends had been randomly prank-calling home phone-numbers for fun. They would giggle mischievously, when someone picked up at the other end, until the frustrated person hung up. This was the pre-GSM era.

The prank team had dialed our home phone one rainy Sunday.

Ring! Ring!! Ring!!!

.Hello….Hello
No Response
Fooookpa. That was the sound of me hanging up.

She later told me that something about the way I announced “Esco’s Residence. Who is this?” when I picked up the phone, sounded quite cool to her. Goos-fraba! 

It did not matter that I slammed the receiver…but not before I told whoever was on the line to stick it. I had thought it was one of my friends mischeviously trying to punk me or something.

So this chick decided to call back, by her lonesome later in the day – to “apologize”. I picked up the phone and the rest is history.

Over the next couple of weeks, we spoke every sweet day. From then on we learnt together as friends, and leaned as lovers. By the fourth week, I was sprung and she was smitten.  I told her “You could be my girl, and I would be your man forever baby”.

It was heavenly conversing on the phone all day. She was my hotline bling. When I came home from a long day out, I would grill the house-help for details of any missed call. And it would be there waiting in a dispatch from her “I will ring you later baby, I hope you get the message. Love Alero”

We fellas are moved by what we see, so by 5th week, I was anxious to see Alero.  I asked her what she looked like.

Well people had told her that  she bore a striking resemblance to Aaliyah, she answered.

On the other side of the line, I balled my fist and shoved it in my mouth like Di Caprio in the Wolf of Wall Street. Like Banky W crooned: I can’t feel my face/ You go make me craze.

So we fixed a date to meet at my place.

She finally came over on a dog’s day afternoon.

She looked nothing like Aaliyah, not even in her role in Queen of the Damned. However the conversations with her were still magic, especially after we got over the initial awkwardness of seeing for first time. We dated exclusively during that summer period. And that is the closest I ever came to dating an Aaliyah.

As a teen, I thought Michelle Pfeiffer was the hottest woman of all time. She made Grease 2 (the underwhelming sequel to the greatest movie of all time), watchable. In the movie Scarface, she played a foxy piece of arm-candy, but man, was she a work of art. Blonde hair, a lithe frame and eyes that could kindle a candle. Lit my fires for sure.

These days that title of movie star crush has been bequeathed to Scarlett Johansson and Jessica Chastain, but this is a Nigerian blog so I will stop there.

Close to home, I have always rooted for team amala. I have always fancied chocolate éclair- skinned beauties with long facial features – Tiwa Savage, Yvonne Okoro, Beverley Naya, Aja Naomi King, Victoria Kamani etc. Brown skins, don’t know how good they have got it.

When it comes to crushes, I bruise easily. I develop an acute case of river blindness towards certain supposedly flawed physical features, if I vibe well with a lass. I  dig females that exude calm and are not easily phased by cash, credit or calamity. Confidence to me is one of the most attractive qualities a woman can have. Next to independence and intelligence. Desperation either emotional or material is the most unclean force in the universe. Desperation can power a small generator – it can destroy civilizations.

Confidence is like an invisible veneer of silk and gold. For me, Gbemi and Serena Williams are two of the most attractive women in the public eye. I have seen certain people try to write off Serena as masculine. They must be high of that cheap moonshine. Have these critics seen that toned midriff, smooth brown skin and cute face? Or that bakassi that Nigerian and Cameroon would go to war for? All that allied to the fact that she is extremely talented and seems like she does not take herself too seriously.

I have met a couple of Nigerian entertainers live, and I must say that that Tiwa is really something in the flesh. Enough said.

Ok, and let us try this:

Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie – Jennifer Aniston

Beyonce or Kelly Rowland – Kelly Rowland

Khloe or Amber Rose – Amber Rose. And oh, I think Kourtney is the hottest female in that family.

So if I could craft an almost perfect all-Nigerian girl configured and sculpted out of  traits and features gotten from Nigerian female entertainers or public figures, what would she need?

  • Stephanie Coker’s hair (blue braids are cool)
  • Tiwa’s face and torso (shout out to Mr. Billz)
  • Chigurl’s sense of humor/charisma
  • Mo’Cheddar’s style
  • Gbemi’s, err, chest features
  • Eku’s chill and cool
  • Beverley Naya’s skin tones
  • Kemi Adetiba’s culinary skills and knowledge of hip-hop.
  • Mama Peace’s loyalty and ride or die chick nature

I would be tempted to include Toke Makinwa’s defiant nature and threshold for unwarranted punishment. Any Nigerian girl in the public eyes with all the above features will need it.  By the way, does any Nigerian female celebrity wear metal braces? Chicks with braces look hella cool. Weird I know.

If you see Yvonne Okoro, tell her I said something/
I want that chocolate skin with caramel topping/

Falz the Bad Guy (Celebrity Girlfriend, 2015)

Fellow Nigerians, it is with the utmost pride and sincerity that I present these memoranda as a living testament and recollection of history in the making during our generation.Preamble: Esco is a lampoonist, content provider for hire, and convener of the blog Literati: Satires On Nigerian Life www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com, which is a symposium to project the conditions of every Nigerian and inspire young people all over the world. He is currently working on his memoirs “The Great, Wonderful Adventures of Esco”, which will be available in 2016. Esco can be reached for scripting writing, ghost writing and editing work by email at [email protected] Oh, and he occasionally tweets at @Escowoah.

41 Comments

  1. Olofofo

    November 19, 2015 at 2:05 pm

    I really can’t express with enough words how i feel about this article. The author will make a good poet. I love the article 😀

  2. DIddy

    November 19, 2015 at 2:16 pm

    When it comes to international mine is rihanna and scarlet Johansson, but in Naija is tiwa, Jennifer or Angelina I will go for Angelina, amber or kloe I choose amber, Beyonce or Kelly I choose Kelly

  3. marvellous

    November 19, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    International celebrity crush, if anybody dares to mention aishwarya rai…we go enter wan traza. National crush; tinsel’s anjela. Don’t remember her current name. She used to be Matilda obaseki

  4. ElessarisEllendil

    November 19, 2015 at 3:10 pm

    Charlize Theron, nobody comes close. I die a little every time I see Sean Penn.

    • Anon

      November 19, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      Wake up. They broke up in the summer. No more dying.

    • o

      November 19, 2015 at 9:12 pm

      lol

  5. unseriously serious

    November 19, 2015 at 3:40 pm

    lol @ Toke Makinwa’s defiant nature and threshold for unwarranted punishment….

  6. Kismet

    November 19, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    Wow, someone else that loves brown-skinned ladies with aquiline features. Mehn, not to say i do not appreciate my light-skin *oyibo* as they call me, but there is something about the caramel-coffee skinned ladies that make me stare for days… and yeah I am a lady but all na appreciating beayoutiful tinz.

  7. oma

    November 19, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    RMD because he is RMD
    Barack Obama because he makes the best speeches
    Tunde Demuren because he has the most sincere smile
    Osi because he is witty and doesn’t care whose ox is gored
    John Legend because that his voice makes my ovaries leap for joy.
    This is all I can think of for now.

  8. Romantic

    November 19, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    Toolz oniru has braises and I think she’s cool. Nice write up btw.

  9. Mamacita

    November 19, 2015 at 4:30 pm

    Falz the badt guy ?? I will sugar mama him any day any time. Don’t tell Oga ??

  10. Thatgidigirl

    November 19, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Esco nwa nna, so we’re not compatible after all. This is you giving me the “it’s not you its me” speech? Jisike o!. Gimme IK’s humor plix, that guy makes jogging very eventful for me in the evenings. Tuface’s voice, p square’s abs, don jazzy’s swag, RMD’s grey beard and poise and smile and ooooooh lemme stop there *wipes drool*

  11. Dolly

    November 19, 2015 at 4:50 pm

    My first girl crush will always be Regina Askia, Lawwd did I ever think she was real?
    Then I fell in love with Beyoncé’s smile, just something endearing bout it.
    But girl did I question my sexuality when I watched Tiwa Savage’s kele kele love first time?
    I was like who is this mama, in the days of light skin is beauty…..
    How dare she exude so much confidence and sexuality. Then T.Billz emerged and I was even sprung as he reminds me of memphitz (my sugar)
    But honey when that pic of T.billz in that bathroom seat came up…..sheesh Tiwa quickly got replaced by Denise Vasi.

  12. The real D

    November 19, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    When you say braces,, do you mean the metal teeth straightening deal ? If yes then yes that is odd and it took me by surprise I never herrperrdit.

  13. amy

    November 19, 2015 at 5:07 pm

    Nobody should mention my Boris kodjoe…

  14. Honeyposh

    November 19, 2015 at 5:18 pm

    For me its idris Elba wow he is hot for days,i see him on screen and drool. For naija i say reminisce,his confidence is out of this world………..

  15. Bruness

    November 19, 2015 at 5:45 pm

    Idris Elba’s build, Sean Connery’s voice, Amitabh Bachchan’s grey, Orlando bloom’s eye, scandal free and loyal husband Tom Hanks, might I add Zuckerberg’s ingenuity. I’m having a hard time deciding between Liev Shrieber, Andrew Lincoln and Brad Pitt in that order to round it up. If we’re talking Nigerian it’s got to be humble Tuface.

    • Miss Mo

      November 30, 2015 at 8:00 pm

      Ohh my Andrew Lincoln’s face and Brad Pitts smile can do things to my heart, and Blossom chukwujekwu.

  16. Puzzles

    November 19, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    I think Kourtney is the hottest female in the Kardashian clan too

    But Esco, I love Jennifer Aniston but Angelina Jolie is HOT!!! Don’t like her but I admit it, she is HOT!!!

    When a friend calls me ‘Tiwa Savage’, I smile with happiness. lol

  17. tunde

    November 19, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    Ri-NOSTRILS 🙂
    its like as wide as an interstate highway

  18. aiphee

    November 19, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    Makachukwu ehn!my love for Vector,e b like say dem jazz me..then Robert Downey jr…hmmmm

  19. Mz Socially Awkward...

    November 19, 2015 at 10:14 pm

    Chinwetel, ohhhhhhhh, my one and only Chi-Bobo …. For how long will I pine over you, my dream lover???? Biko, do quick, go see my village elders and make this pairing a reality.

    To the person who mentioned Boris K, I didn’t understand how fine he was until I met him at a random deli in NYC. What a hottie! His attitude, on the other hand, was a tad surly so I just talk “hello”, no come get mind to ask for piksho…

  20. Titilayo Olurin

    November 19, 2015 at 10:55 pm

    Idris Elba, Idriis Elba, Idris Elba, Idris Elba, Idris Elba. Okay, I admit that i’m obsessed but it’s always been him. Recently too, I’ve been loving Jason Derulo like crazy. He’s got a great body, a great voice and is such a spectacular dancer. I never heard a song he sang that was boring. My sister calls him the juju man because everything he sings just sounds nice. We never can get enough of him. Then of course, on a national level, it’s definitely OC Ukeje. Can’t explain it but there’s this cool, boy next door aura he exudes even from the TV screen. I love Peter Okoye too. He’s like my Nigerian version of Jason Derulo. Great body, great singing voice and good dancer. Wish he didn’t have that accent though.

  21. I love you Esco

    November 20, 2015 at 1:42 am

    Loooool really chilled write up.

    Toolz has braces!

    Cornelia O Dwyer cheiiii I love my Conniegirl and i’m a woman. Even my hubby admits she’s hot!

    I have a hugeeeee crush on Derek from greys anatomy. Maybe its just the character of being greys husband but i just cant get over him.

  22. Gloria O

    November 20, 2015 at 3:19 am

    For me on the international level its between Leonardo Dicaprio and the CNN journalist called Don Lemon, but in Nigeria I don’t know what it is about the current senate president Bukola Saraki but my crush on him it’s like Dem jazz me. He’s soo cute to me, and tall as well. I can’t get enough of watching him during senate plenary, and while the screening of the ministerial nominees was going on I couldn’t get enough of the senate president. I think he’s super Hot

    • Dont ask

      November 20, 2015 at 7:32 am

      Nne he would look hot to me too if he had billions of naira floating around. I dont care if he is short, i will call him the tallest of them all.

    • Gloria O

      November 20, 2015 at 2:19 pm

      My dear Don’t ask, its absolutely not about the money o, I ain’t a gold digger and my parents are both more than very comfortable to take care of me even if I wasn’t doing well on my own. The guy is simply super hot! Have u seen him? Very tall and elegant, and with that smile of his, that can melt any ones heart any day. And when he dresses up in his native attire with the northern cap, I just drool, too cute.

  23. Sandra

    November 20, 2015 at 7:53 am

    Lynxxx, 50 cent (oh that smile of his is cute), jude okoye, RMD, Joseph Benjamin,

  24. Flow

    November 20, 2015 at 8:34 am

    international crush would be: 1. Keanu Reeves 2. Denzel Washington 3. Daniel Craig 4. Will Smith 5. Orlando Bloom(all i need is one night Orlando, just one). Nigerian crush would be 1.Sanusi Lamido Sanusi(freaking hot), that’s about it! my other crushes aint famous.

  25. ATL's finest

    November 20, 2015 at 9:53 am

    My International crush would be : Jeff Prost (OMG watching him host Survival makes me wanna *****him, Scott Foley ( My Scandalicious bottle) Faze ( from B2K) ????????
    Willi Smith, Barack Obama (Juicy) Nigerian crush will be Uti ( damm he’s FINE), Michael Majek ( which ever way he spells it).. RMD yummy!!!Desmond Elliott I don’t know why I drool over him.
    Ok I’m not gay but Ellen Degeneres can get it ALL DAY!!!! She’s too freaking FYN, hot, funny as in I LOVE her..

  26. Tyler Perry Ni o

    November 20, 2015 at 12:32 pm

    My celeb crush is Tyler Perry & Tyler Perry ….every one around me knows I’ve got mad love for that guy . My husband and sis tease me with it.
    like I’m in Love with him.
    *whispers* I fit follow that guy if he comes to Naija . gosh!

  27. Morolake

    November 20, 2015 at 12:45 pm

    Mine would have to be RMD any day. First crush ever. I recently found him on IG and mehnnn the guy is still so hot and aging gracefully.

    Internationally i’ve always had a crush on Terrence Howard; Empire’s No 1 man. And recently i started crushing on ‘ghost’, Power’s No. 1 man. But i worry ghost may be short…lol.

    Lovely post as always ESCO. Chop cyber knuckle.

    • MissOma

      November 20, 2015 at 4:08 pm

      nah he aint!! Ghost is tall!!! and foine too!!! i mean watching power 2 and seeing him displaying those abs and all with that lady actress…… wow!!!!!! i gotta take a dip gurl!! hhahah

  28. MissOma

    November 20, 2015 at 4:06 pm

    well thanks to God no one mentioned…MICHAEL EALY!!!! i love that guy die!!! crushing big time on Kiss daniel…… teckno miles too……….

  29. Koffie

    November 20, 2015 at 6:00 pm

    I also think Tiwa Savage is a hottie. There was this babe I became friends with during NYSC simply because she looked like Tiwa Savage and also had the loveliness (attitude) that Tiwa looks like she’d have.
    My man crush in Hollywood was Columbus Shorts for the longest time, he was just too cute and his smile, oh boy! I’m a sucker for great smiles and dentition on guys, like I’d follow you anywhere if you’re a man with a great smile. There was this white guy in an old movie (the one where a dying football wife invited all her friends to spend christmas vacay in their home); anyways, this white dude was dating this ‘boss lady’ and she been dey hide him cos she wasn’t proud of dating outside the black race. This yummy guy had a dimple in one cheek only, he’d smile and flaunt that single dimple. I dreamt of him for months and it’s silly I can’t remember his name or the movie title. Did I mention he’s tall and had this intense eyes that could stare at you and get your err wet?
    My only other crush is not popular and doesn’t even have a great dentition or a great smile or intense eyes. This one probably jazzed me from Ekiti, haha.
    Esco, my brothers and I also used prank-call random numbers sotay my father had to put a password on the dial-out of the phone which my 2nd brother hacked. We be Nitel ‘pikins’ that time and felt it was our basic right to pile up phone debts for papi. Good memories, lol

  30. miradiva

    November 20, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    I soooo love randy orton and Osaze odemingwe

  31. Dee one

    November 20, 2015 at 11:34 pm

    Usher is my husband in my head and anyone who knows me knows that but the fact that he seems to be attracted only to older women is killing that marriage slowly… Denzel Washington is forever my crush, Omari Hardwick, Shemar Moore and Chris Hemsworth…..those guys do something to me that I can’t explain. Off to drool ?

  32. renzy

    November 21, 2015 at 3:02 pm

    Jason Statham. ..gosh is face..no smiling attitude. Accent….I always dream ofhim. I would gladly give him one or two nights…abeg d guy dey make me think of babies.

  33. marvellous

    November 21, 2015 at 6:31 pm

    @koffie. The movie is “the best man’s Holiday”

  34. Ever Green

    November 26, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    Movie-
    International: Johnny Depp and Amitabh Bachchan, I love both like bread and butter.
    Female: Sophia Vegera i love her accent,
    Taraji P Henson: she is just wow me every time I watch her especially in Empire , Ashwarya Bachan she is so beautiful.

    Naija Style- Funke Akindele the way acts, I love watching her movie.

    Music -Asa all the way

  35. I love Shea butter

    December 11, 2015 at 12:19 am

    Tyreses!tyrese!!and more of Omar hardwick.. I can’t stop decrushing( allow me to use the word pls)both.

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