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Mnena: I Don’t Want Kids…No, Nothing is Wrong With Me

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I have just returned from a whirlwind two-week holiday visiting family and friends. Every house was a family home with at least one child in it. As I hugged, cuddled, rocked and high-fived children ranging from a few weeks old to ten years, I kept expecting to feel that twinge – the tug which all women, who have yet to have a child, are supposed to feel. The Broody Feeling

It never came. And it never comes for me.

I’m in my early thirties now and yet to clutch my tummy and raise my hand beseechingly to the heavens when I see a cute baby with only three teeth grinning at me. Well, I imagine that’s how the feeling stops you in your tracks, I wouldn’t know.

I look at a baby like the creature that burst out of John Hurt’s chest in Alien. Slowly growing, waiting, eating you from the inside before finally popping out and pooping all over everything. I also hear childbirth is precisely like this.

I don’t want to be a mother. This is how I feel at this time and how I have felt for years. Maybe my mind will change as I go on in life; probably when I stop giving the meh reply of “Kids are cool” to the “Do you want children?” question. Or maybe I will cross the menopause finishing line with arms open in triumph because it means no more fears about getting pregnant by accident.

I also believe that not everyone is supposed to be a mum. Yes, you have a womb, healthy ovaries and tubes and you can push one out. It doesn’t mean you must. Some women are not built to nurture, despite what this guy here says and what your religion harangues you into doing.

There are too many stories of bad mothers – abandoning their children in pit latrines, verbally & physically abusing them or drowning them in bathtubs for us to cling to the conviction that every woman must be a mother.

mne and doom

Mnena: Who put this baby in my arms? Mum: Oh calm down, Mne… he’s your baby brother

Not that I’m saying that I drown kids. I’m good with kids, I think. However, I’m always glad to return them to their parents after the cuteness begins to segue into tears.

Whilst growing up, in the same way I knew I would be going to university, I assumed that I would be having little ones.

Grow up. Get married. Have children. That’s the path Nigerian society has laid out for little girls. For the boys, it’s just one step longer: be a man, get a job, get married, have children.

No matter what gender, we would all end up bouncing babies on our knees. I had the “when I have twins” daydream, naming them Alexander and Alexandra, more preoccupied with the names than the actual people who would bear them. I never thought much about what they would look like, how I would carry them. I also decided that there would be an Mnena Jr because surely not only men have the right to name kids after themselves. But then I got older and realised kids are their own people.

They’re not there for me to dress up, craft or bend into my own image or as a retirement policy I pay into over a lifetime. They can and will talk back to you. They will wriggle out of carefully considered clothes bought for them and shout back at you when you try to push them in directions they do not want to go. Some parents will break their kids. I am afraid of breaking mine. Going into a mood like I usually do and crushing a little heart with a turn of my back. It is a lot of responsibility, one that some of us do not thoroughly consider before following the path laid down for us.

I’m okay with not being broody. I do not feel I am defective in some way or I am less of a woman because I don’t have a child or long to have one. We do not speak enough about what Nigerian societal expectations do to childless couples. We do not look at them as being whole. Something is missing. We put pressure on them until the women seek help through dubious means- drinking concoctions, smearing chicken blood, massaging tummies, sleeping with pastors. {Read this, if you don’t believe me} When they do get one after many years of struggle, we stretch out a hand and ask for more.

There are alternative happy endings and mine may not necessarily come with the gurgle of a baby. And that’s fine.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Ron Chapple

Mnena hates quirky things and can't come up with a bio. In any case, here are the basics. Writer. Lover of Small Chops. Fan of Hadley Freeman. Visit her website: Mnena.com  and follow her on Twitter @mnena

80 Comments

  1. tilda

    November 19, 2015 at 1:29 pm

    Notting the hell wrong with you. Not every woman is meant to be a mother. Some are very good aunty materials.

    • Kaeto

      November 20, 2015 at 2:00 am

      To be honest. I couldn’t careless. Blame everything on society?Exhausting. Whatever makes you sleep at night for your childlessness. We don’t need weak parents or mothers in the world. Who are not prepared to raise their kids with an iron hand. Raising your world is life, I mean life. You have to have kids for reason(s) or what’s the point? and raise them in understanding it. After all they are forever your responsibility, that attachment never goes. At 21, I still and forever have the greatest love, respect to my mother, who has shown me the best love and care. It needs reciprocation. I am her investment.

    • Emma

      November 20, 2015 at 1:16 pm

      I’d like to think I’m more than just an investment to my parents.

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 6:40 am

      Instead of criticizing another woman for how she decides to use her ovaries, focus on repaying the investor back. Bitter soul.

  2. Ngozi

    November 19, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    there is nothing wrong with you, infact i admire people like you who won’t let society push them into being who they are not. if many more people could admit that they don’t want children society will have less neglected children most of whom become a problem to everyone else.

    1
    • Sarah

      February 7, 2016 at 3:52 am

      I’m married for four years and I’m completely childfree by choice and proud of it. But I’m really hate how everyone around me make me feel bad because I don’t want kids! Although it’s my life-my choice! So would you mind your business?!
      I don’t want to (melt) and lose myself 🙁
      I don’t want to let the society write the story of my life! I want to live free and die free as “myself” and THAT’S ALL.

  3. Meah

    November 19, 2015 at 1:49 pm

    I dont think there’s much wrong with you. My very funny, outgoing, smart and thoughtful friend feels exactly this way and I dont think she’s less of a woman because of it. I found it a tad strange at first, but now i’m open enough to let people live their realities. Like they say, to each his/her own.

  4. peperempe

    November 19, 2015 at 2:02 pm

    Absolutely nothing is wrong with you, i sorta wish i was even like you. the Lagos dating scene is hard and I’m such a romantic. [sigh]
    im just gonna sit here and let the comments roll in 5….4…..3….2…

  5. whocares

    November 19, 2015 at 2:20 pm

    Fellow lover of small chops, you do you pimpin and be happy. Be it with kids or not. Id rather a person was honest with themselves than conform and have kids they do not want. That is trhe worst type of punishment for all parties involved. Live long and prosper, and find fulfilment and satisfaction in whatever does it for you jare.
    ps: cross the menopause finishing line with arms raised in triumph. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Ahh the imagery was fantastic. Thank you.

  6. Californiabawlar

    November 19, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    Lol….. Imma sit and wait for the “BN and these their ‘modern’ women….yesterday they didn’t want marriage, today they don’t want kids!” comments.
    While I’m sitting, biko let me grab my morning coffee and wait for all the ‘ecstatically’ married mothers come for y’all’s behind! Hehehe.

    Meanwhile, my mom didn’t want kids. She told us she had us due to the fact that it was expected of her….and she had 6 of us cos my dad wanted a large family. She made him promise to take care of us , which he did….it was so serious that I have no early childhood memories of my mom….he did everything, picked us from school, made sure we were fed by the maids….I hung out with him at work, I barely interacted with my mom…..well, that was till my dad passed. She was stuck with 6 children she didn’t want….she had my grandma move to come care for us….if you as much had a headache, you got shipped off to grandma’s place.

    You can imagine the horror called my childhood!When she was in the house, she didn’t want to hear a word….or movement. It was like she didn’t want anyone else in the house. She threatened to leave us….she still does (we don’t live together o!) ??. She has never complained about being alone since we all left the house. This past summer my mom still called to rant about my brother being disrespectful and as usual, as in the last 27years, she ended the rant with how WE ALL ruined her life. She says for don gbeja if not for the fact that she’s a christian….and the list goes on.
    Someone like her should have never had kids in my opinion! She is caring to friends and family….but I think us kids just rub her off the wrong way. And I don’t blame her.

    Summary is that ‘unconventional’ women have existed since time immemorial…folks are just speaking out. The fact that you have ovaries doesn’t mean you have to use them….and the fact that you used them doesn’t make special or better still a hero…lol.

    For me? I only want a child for vanity purposes…to see what I can produce…you know, I’m just really curious what my offspring will look and be like! Shikena. My friends say I’m stupid though ??
    If I ever make it rich….I’ll adopt/foster kids. That’s what I’ve always wanted since I was younger 🙂

    • Kay

      November 19, 2015 at 2:34 pm

      Wow.

    • World

      November 19, 2015 at 3:48 pm

      but you see dear, your mum shouldn;t have bowed to pressure.

      She is making the lives of other people including her late husband and the kids miserable.

      1. She should have married your dad since they both knew before hand that they have conflicting opinions. Dad wanted a large fam, mum didnt want any. They should have broken that relationship b4 marriage

      2. This leads me to say to all ladies here, if you dont love a man or dont want to get married or have kids, dont bother getting married and making the lives of others miserable. If it is your wish, back down now

    • Californiabawlar

      November 19, 2015 at 4:20 pm

      Hmmmn! Wise words! Please email your advice to my mom @ [email protected]

      If you read and comprehended my comment, I never stated that my parents were unhappy. Things were peachy and my dad loved his daddy duties. They had a game plan and everyone played their part. The only thing they didn’t factor in was death!

      I remember having night terrors at 5 and my dad coming to get me from my room…my mom just ganpa on the bed looking at me like were did you come from ? (one of the few memories I have of her). My dad didn’t even flinch or complain about having to get me every other night for almost 2years.

      I love my mom. She worked her ass off to give us the financial quality of life my dad had planned. Now I realize she deals with me better if I relate to her as a friend. She’s a great friend. Lol.

      I’m not dismissing the last part of your advice though… I remember the only time I saw my parents fight was because my mom beat my sister. And the argument ended with my mom yelling, ” well they are yours, do as you please!!” These fights may have been more frequent, I dunno….. Anyways, the main thing I learned from their situation is to never live outside my means in a marriage. And by means, I’m talking all things permanent that I won’t be able to maintain if my spouse passes.

    • Thatgidigirl

      November 19, 2015 at 4:52 pm

      [email protected] 40yearstoolate… I’d hate to get into a text fight with you, Kai!

    • Californiabawlar

      November 19, 2015 at 6:28 pm

      Lmao!!??? emi ke? That’s how @’bobsteke&larabien’ (yup, that’s how I read her id in my head) called me ‘CaliforniabRawlAr’. Ejo o! I’m a lover and not a fighter! ????

    • Person

      November 19, 2015 at 5:27 pm

      I literally loled out at ‘ganpa’ for the bed! Your Ma sounds like the real MVP. I am good with kids also, but lately, I’ve been wondering if I am cut out for motherhood. I am extremely selfish. I don’t think that is compatible with motherhood. I like handing kids to their mother when the tantrums start.

  7. inori

    November 19, 2015 at 2:26 pm

    This is me exactly , children quite frankly freak me out . i have been waiting for when it becomes physically impossible for me to have kids then i can sigh with relief .

  8. whocares

    November 19, 2015 at 2:39 pm

    @ C-bawler – LMAOOOOOOOO. I like how you have made something that could have been potentially sad light so we do not wallow. chop hugs. I am with you., I always imagine what my kid will look like oh. I look like at the uncle sometimes and he is not aware that in my head I am already picturing what our kids will look like. looool.. If he did, I could blink and the next thing I know a person is pregnant. lool. My kids will be fine baje, lol. Still nowhere ready for kids, but I do get broody and sometimes I want to plait hair for someone jare. .lool. but without all that labour pain. ahhh.

  9. E.A

    November 19, 2015 at 2:42 pm

    Nothing wrong with you, i feel the same way im only 21 , for some reason nigerians or africans in general do accept this. Smh like i tell m’y mom nigerian is overpopulated, i dont need to reproduce

    • ElessarisEllendil

      November 19, 2015 at 3:01 pm

      A: Nigeria is not overpopulated.

      B. You kind of need to do, children are basically upgraded versions of yourself. They might turn out useful in the future.

    • Tru

      November 20, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      er, no, she does not “Need” to do if she doesn’t want to

  10. makash

    November 19, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    I have children. I LOVE them BUT ever since I became pregnant, I began to understand and appreciate people who did not want children.
    The anxiety and responsibility is not for everyone. I respect anyone who chooses not to be a parent rather than doing by force and being a bad, negligent or uncaring parent.

    • Bolaji

      November 19, 2015 at 5:19 pm

      I am a parent and I adore my child but I could not agree with you more. Parenting is a constant never-ending act of selflessness that you commit to everyday. No one should be forced to do it. No one should have to endure it. You do it with open arms and and open heart otherwise don’t do it at all

  11. Luvnaija

    November 19, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    May it be done to you according to your words, no shame in admitting your truth!

    • RIFF RAFF

      November 19, 2015 at 4:19 pm

      I agree not everyone wants children, just like not everyone wants to get married. That’s a choice and personally i respect that.
      A word of caution however: There is power in the tongue. If u can stick to your self-fulfilling prophecy to the end, fine. Why am i saying this? Nobody knows tomorrow, people evolve, life can happen.
      Speaking of self-fulfilling prophecies, this reminds me of Gabrielle Union-Wade. Check out her past interviews: For years she CATEGORICALLY stated she did not want kids, she was all about her career , besides she loved being an aunty and was crazy about her nieces. Nothing wrong with that. Like i stated, it’s a choice.
      Then came Dwayne and his brood. No pressure; he had enough kids for two. Problem started when oga went on “break” and came back with “break baby”. Gabby’s head began to tick. Since, then, i tell u she now wants kids of her own badly. She now grants interviews where she talks about “battling infertility issues” in her 40s. THE SAME WOMAN WHO SAID SHE DID NOT WANT KIDS!!!

      All i want to say is, forget about what others and the society say: Watch out for what YOU say/wish for cos u will eventually have it. Someone once said “keep on painting the devil on your wall, it will enter your house one day” Self -fulfilling prophecies are real.

    • Kilipota

      November 19, 2015 at 11:17 pm

      Hmmmn. You just made me see it from another angle. Maybe I should start keeping my mind open. I may not be singing this same song in 2 or 3 years time. Mine could just a fear of responsibility.

      But honestly children freak me out. My partner’s niece has been coming over for some time now ( the last time he asked me I told him I wasn’t up to it, he brought her anyways) and it freaks me out badly. I don’t like children, and this one is so spoilt and demanding. He had to wake up early on Monday to prep her for school. Bathe her, dress her, feed her.. I Ganpa for bed ni o. I’m jolly with my niece, I love her to bits, but when I go to their’s, after 1hr or 2 she just starts getting on my nerves. The screaming, running around the house, the talking too much, showing me toys. Gosh I hate those stuff. CarlifoniaB’s comment really struck a cord in me. Well, could there be a psychological explanation to this, maybe we all just cray-cray?

      Before someone comes on here to say we are just being western or we think this is the new cool. This is a very serious issue because half the time we are often misunderstood.

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 6:50 am

      You are STILL assuming that having children is by default a positive thing and not having them is negative. This is the actual problem!!! If Gabi Union changed her mind, how about Oprah??? That Gabi wants one after her man went to cheat on her and make her the village laughing stock, how is this is a positive cautionary tale we should follow?
      Please, just calmmmmm down with alllllllll of that bias coming out of you.

  12. DIddy

    November 19, 2015 at 3:05 pm

    Writer I don hear u,some will come on this post pretending the got ur back,saying I have decided not to have kids in future, what u r saying is only possible when u remain single cos how do u convince your husband or In laws and even your parents that u have decided to adopt when there is nothing wrong with your womb (story for the gods) pretending u can do this on your own without facing backlash is a big fat lie, u can remain single and decide not to have kids is fine, u can be single and decide to adopt is understandable but married and decide not to have kid/kids without ur husband consent that one na lie, so whatever decision u make just put ur love ones or the pple around into consideration

    • Me

      November 19, 2015 at 3:33 pm

      You don’t have to be single not to want kids. People don’t marry only to reproduce or marry for the pleasure of their parents/in laws. I’ve got a friend who has been married for 10 years and for as long as I’ve known her she’s never wanted kids and she fell in love with a man who shared the same views as her about kids. Yes, there’s been concern from family about their choice and decision, but at the end of the day, it’s their choice and no one else’s. And people need to respect that. I don’t see why anyone but the couple or person should be considered. When you have kids because u put others feelings before yours, will they be pregnant for you? Will they go through labour for you? When your child needs a kidney, I hope they will be first in line to donate.

      We need to stop with the archaic way of thinking. Every ones path in life is different. Not everyone desires the same things in life. Live and let live. Don’t judge people by your own standards. #peace

    • S!

      November 19, 2015 at 4:44 pm

      Not all men want kids too. Finding a partner that wants the same things with you isn’t impossible.

    • Kilipota

      November 19, 2015 at 11:19 pm

      This is why I think it’s not even funny.
      In laws, parents etc will be on one’s case.

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 6:52 am

      I hear you guys but the issue is the kind of men in Naija who don’t fight for their women. If a man warns his family to NEVER bring up the subject of children again to his wife or there’ll be consequences, let’s see what in-law will bring their flabby lips there… hiss

  13. Annienonymous

    November 19, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    I remember asking my mum at the age of 14 if she wouldnt mind not having grand kids from me. She looked at me like I was mad! I never wanted kids… until I got pregnant at 18! I’ve always wondered if having a child when I did was part of God’s humourous plan for my life, cos If I hadnt had my daughter when I did, I would have never had a child. My daughter is 15 next month but I am not having another one… (intentionally) 🙂

  14. One of baba segi's wives

    November 19, 2015 at 3:17 pm

    OMG!!!!!! This is me!!!! Mmena, God bless you. The only difference is that I think there’s something wrong with me! I babysit for a lot of people, although I don’t babysit more than three hours and it’s usually once a week and I’m like geez!!!! Can’t imagine having this every day. Kids make so much noise, make a mess of themselves and the older they get the less physical mess the more mental mess. Gosh! I can’t deal mehn! All my friends talk about their weddings and kids names et al and I’m in the corner lowkey thinking, I just want to make money to take care of myself, help my family and friends, the unprivileged and always have a good laugh. I don’t care about all the rest. Quite frankly I find weddings embarrassing, and the mess of child bearing and the permanent wageless occupation of parenthood, mehn! I don’t think I can.

    Although I plan on being a foster parent, which is usually temporary and to older kids who kind of understand instructions and the likes. I have no desire to be called mom or mummy or whatever. I think many women think like this, just that the African society has laid down an immutable path and it would be treason of which the penalty is hanging if that path is unfollowed.There’s nothing special about giving birth, 90% of anyone with a vagina can do that. Raising kids is the real work, which only about half can actually do. After all women gave birth to Boko Haram and ISIS members and they are still recruiting neonatals everyday, plus serial killers, rapists and ritualists that abound everywhere. I wonder how joyful the motherhood experiences of their mothers are. My elder sis says I’ll change my mind. She’s married with 4 kids and my mind is still unchanged. Follow the path that works for you though, If you decide to bring kids into the world, do your job and don’t pollute the world with delinquents.

    • Dede

      November 20, 2015 at 12:35 pm

      You were once a Kid my dear!

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 6:53 am

      So?

  15. Ms jazz

    November 19, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    Wow! I am happy Nigerian women are not letting society bully them anymore into doing what they don’t want to do simply to adhere to norms.

  16. brizola

    November 19, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    I love the way you write mnena. I could picture every sentence. I love the fact that you are living your truth. I love kids, I want a baby girl(mini me) but i am scared of getting pregnant and the changes that happens to your body. i want a surrogate or to have all my kids at once. People that get pregnant every year scare me, e.g Mercy Johnson. I am also afraid of the kind of my mother i would be. The ability to love and care some other person than myself. Its going to be a roller coaster for me. I also want to adopt the Nigér kids I see in traffic(hahahahaha)

  17. Tina

    November 19, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    Well I never thought I wanted kids until I got married and had one.
    Like the writer, even in my early 30s I never had the burning desire or felt biological clock was ticking. I did not even want to get married, my goal was to remain single and face my thriving career. My role models were mainly single ladies who had achieved it all expecially in challenging fields where men dominated. My younger sister was getting married, did not bother me. I even offered to sponsor her wedding, everybody thought I was crazy.
    Then I met this amazing guy who was very relentless and persistent about marriage, made the mistake of introducing him to some family members, that was when the pressure descended on me. My mother was crying, wondering who had placed this curse on me, my sisters (all married), brothers, father, friends would not let me be. They all kept insisting that I would regret when I hit mid-30s to 40s, would be lonely and it was not everyday you meet amazing guys, blah, blah, blah. I succumbed to the pressure and got married, indulged hubby and got pregnant immediately.
    During pregnancy, I felt nothing. Did not attend any class, read pregnancy books, prepare the nusery, or buy baby stuff, barely remembered my appoints and vitamins. Hubby being an amazing person, did everything. Baby item shopping, fixing nusery, even planned baby shower with family and friends. I just concentrated on my career and luckily pregnancy was a breeze.
    When I had my son, did not feel anything, just wanted to sleep. Hubby was over the moon, teary eye and all.
    Then it hit me when I started breastfeeding, the feeling that came over me is indescribable, only true mothers can understand what I mean. I never knew that kind of feeling was possible, it’s beyound love. Now I see life in a different light. The love is not only for my son but has extended to any kid I meet. Looking at their innocent little faces brings out the protective feeling. Now I spend more time taking about cute babies and looking at pictures at work that everybody is so shocked. Always concerned when a co- worker’s baby is sick, will offer to work extra for them. Now the most important thing in life is not my career but my precious son and amazing hubby who was patient and believed in me through it all.
    Sometimes we never can tell how we would feel or react to things until we experience it. The only annoying part is when family members say “I told you so”

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      November 19, 2015 at 10:59 pm

      Please, this your husband that dealt with baby shower, fixing the nursery, planning your baby shower…. Can we clone him for future purposes? Thanks in advance. ?

      I look at my female ancestry – mum, grandmas on both sides (penned an article in homage of my grandmas who have paved the way for me to be here, on ourthoughtsandyou.com) – and I know I want to continue the bloodline because I feel there’s so much I’ve learned that I need to pass on. And sure, I can pass them on to many others outside of the bloodline but I’m certain that I want to nurture children of my own.

      Husbands raise tredipation and worry sometimes (especially given the stories of marital horrors I seem to be hearing more often -seriously, what’s going on???) but on the subject of dear babies, the only thing I feel is love and a yearning desire for my own. That feeling doesn’t extend to pregancy but needs-musts… And there’s some fear as well that I’ve grown too accustomed to serving my selfish needs that I may not be a good mother to a helpless being; however, I pray to be offered a chance to prove myself in that arena. From the time I was 4 years old and (much like that photo of a younger Mnena) given a shot at holding and feeding my little sister after that crying/sleeping/gurgling bundle came back from the hospital, I always knew this about myself – I simply love babies. ?

    • Kilipota

      November 19, 2015 at 11:25 pm

      Awwww. Are u for real. Then there’s hope for me!

  18. Personal signature

    November 19, 2015 at 4:11 pm

    We all need to understand some facts and some variables

    Are these new age ideas & philosophies born out of personal wishes or born out of events & circumstances surrounding us?

    1. You don’t want kids bcos it is a choice or you don’t want kids bcos they cry, poo all over, will disfigure your shape….

    2. You dont want to marry because it is your thing or you don’t want to marry cos of the sorry cases of husbands cheating, battering and others?

    #Its like saying i want a 1st class degree but i don’t want to go for lectures, write examz and read at night

    #It’s like saying i want to be rich but i don’t want to work, do business or stress myself. the money should meet me on my bed

    # It is like saying I want to be loved, worshiped and adored by a man but i don’t want to go through the stress of getting to know the man and *gel-ing* with the man (which comes with so many quarrels, fights, misunderstandings…cos you both are different, from different backgrounds, with different views and to gel together will take a process to do so)

    CONCLUSION

    In all of these, we have our choices! Even God would not force HIS opinion on HIS people – Choose ye this day whom ye will serve. You have a choice.

    Therefore in all our personal choice, let us remember the following:

    1. You are responsible for your choices.
    People can influence your decision, but you are solely responsible for the decision taken. People can influence your decision not to have kids, not to marry,….but you took the final decision yourself. You cant blame any other person for your woes or successes, but yourself cos even though you were influenced, you made the final decision. No one can influence you to jump into the lagoon and you will.

    2. Do not force your choice/opinion on others.
    We do that a lot here on BN, which comes in the form of write ups, articles or even in the comment section. Your wish is your wish, respect the choices of others

    3. Do not criticize others for what decision they have taken
    For example, you can choose to get pregnant before wedding or wed before given birth. You may choose not to marry, don’t criticize those who want to and vice versa.

    4. There is a repercussion for every decision/choice made
    Later in life, we will see the results of the decision we made in time past. Be it for good or for bad. Take responsibility for every decision taken

    • Personal signature

      November 19, 2015 at 4:36 pm

      5. Lastly, it would be insane for anyone to choose the choice of another person. You don;t know where he/she is coming from, you don’t know the problem he or she has, you don’t know what he/she is passing through, you don’t know what has motivated the decision he/she is making,

      Therefore choosing their own choice is insanity on every level. Answer your own surname and let others answer theirs. To jump on a bandwagon, or keep running cos others are running without you knowing what is chasing them means you deserve a check up as human being, void of personal choices in life

    • lucia

      November 19, 2015 at 8:00 pm

      I want to have children and love kids deeply! I was not mentally ready until my late 30s! Because all the silly parents that refused to train their kids properly! Some people worship children, so could not train them properly! Although I live in the US! Once I start having children I will move back Europe! I only get scared of having kids when I see kids who lack proper training! They are like little demons! I do not really blame parents here o,its the government who will not allow you control your own children! I love kids o,but I do not have the strength to deal with stress,so I know God will give a partner who will balance my no nonsense taking attitude! It is well.

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 6:57 am

      Iz dis wan smoking igbo?

  19. Mrs oke

    November 19, 2015 at 4:39 pm

    I somehow feel you dear writer. I’m happily married and I suffered two miscarriages before finally having a cute lovely son
    pregnancy death with me. I hated who I was. Now seeing my son makes it all worth it. But I don’t think I want to travel that road again. Hubby is ok with a kid … I miss my alone time with my husband… now there’s a little cutey cramping our bed and fun… I always tell my friends now not to rush into having kids because they are like facial tattoos lol… by the way I love being a mum and as much as I dread having another child I sometimes imagine what my daughter would look like*wink*

  20. Que

    November 19, 2015 at 5:13 pm

    O dear, it is certainly good for society to recognise that our graces are truly different… and let us rather focus on using our strengths for the greater good that we were put here for…

    In my case I am different, I believe I was born to mother!…..I have never been pregnant but all kinds of people-friends/acquaintances etc call me ‘mother’/ mummy, even when we are being playful…. it is just in my nature to nuture and reach into people in a way that lets them understand I care…and even when I scold them with surprising audacity, they just accept it cos it comes from love. I love babies, I gladly nanny for my friend when she has to work….. Yes I have moments when I want all their noise to disappear, and I take those moments if need be….but I will welcome the challenge all over again.

    Growing up I fantasized about having 7kids, I didn’t even fantasize about being married (weird me)….but I always fantasized about being a truck-driving mum with kids strapped in the back…. well it’s safe to say that since growing up with common sense happened, that desired number has shrunk greatly…I want to have 2, and adopt others by God’s grace. I love the family I grew up in, I love how we take each other’s problems seriously, I love the support, and I pray to carry that forward…

    Some days I think, maybe the motherhood calling is to more than reproducing…and so I take each season as it comes, loving those in my care, till my day to bear comes…

    Cheers people!

  21. Bolaji

    November 19, 2015 at 5:15 pm

    Bravo Mnena. I applaud your astute self-awareness, refreshing honesty and bravery in trading social validation for doing what you know is right for you. I wish my mother had done the same, it would have spared both of us a lot of pain and suffering over the last three decades.

  22. Bolaji

    November 19, 2015 at 5:20 pm

    I am a parent and I adore my child but I could not agree with you more. Parenting is a constant never-ending act of selflessness that you commit to everyday. No one should be forced to do it. No one should have to endure it. You do it with open arms and and open heart otherwise don’t do it at all

  23. Miss Anoni Moss

    November 19, 2015 at 5:36 pm

    We are all made very differently, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you my dear.
    I am the complete opposite of you, I love kids so much I could cry at how cute they are, I watch YouTube baby videos for hours on end. Thank God I have a large family therefore I have many nieces and nephews to babysit. Right now in my early 30s I have told my family if no man comes knocking by the time I am 35, I am having my babies whether married or not.

  24. Kikelola

    November 19, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    I wish society would just accept the fact that having children, much like anything else, is a choice and not an absolute requirement.

  25. Ann

    November 19, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Nigeria IS overpopulated. Nigeria is a country of 150m people and is only slightly bigger than the state of Texas. Let that sink in. Nigeria is slightly bigger than ONE state out of 50 in the U.S.
    Also, no, NOBODY needs to procreate if they don’t want to.

  26. Abena

    November 19, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    Stop spewing what you have no idea about! I know about 4 black couples(yes Africans to the core) who have categorically decided not to have kids!Its their decision and some are in their 25th year of marriage WITH NO REGRETS!
    Married Jehovah Witnesses who have dedicate their lives to the service of the ministry forego kids just to advance the ministry so what you talking about?

  27. Californiabawlar

    November 19, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Hmmmn! Your comment is the ‘ish! People evolve o! When the thought of not wanting a child crosses my mind, I immediately reject it with fire, thunder and brimstone! I might think I’d be okay with adopted kids, but what if I’m not? What will I say to question God?! Emi omo, biko, God, I want pikin o! In fact I want quadruplets sef ?

  28. d

    November 19, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    This same issue is what is causing is BTW dh and I….he feels I don’t take care of our child the way a good mother should..
    Even threatened taking her with him to his station….but it’s not my fault.. I’m trying my best as a new mother…left to me, I wouldn’t have married not to talk of having babies…I’m even scared of having another right now cos of the ‘kinda amazing things’ this Madam does…btw, I thank God for His mercies over my life and d babies
    #enoughranting

  29. www.thelmathinks.com

    November 19, 2015 at 6:27 pm

    I like you Mnena! But I do want kids. In fact that’s my greatest hunger; two kids, and then career success, money, love etc etc etc

  30. Anonnemous

    November 19, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    why is this news sef. You can keep preaching that to yourself all over.

    This is simply rebellion and selfishness in disguise. Keep fooling yourself and looking for sympathizer to your ungodly cause.
    I wish your parent never wants kid and guess how you will have come about. Tschew!

    • Tru

      November 20, 2015 at 1:29 pm

      Please keep your vicious comments to yoursself

    • Storm

      November 20, 2015 at 7:23 pm

      As I keep saying to people who make comments like this [“I wish your parent never wants kid and guess how you will have come about. Tschew!”], who said I wanted to be born? What if I wanted to be a cabbage?

    • Surely

      November 21, 2015 at 7:00 am

      Ungodly??? That means Paul s the most ungodly human ever. Even Jesus Christ as He also didn’t procreate during hi 33 years here.
      I’m sure you’re one religious bigot who cannot even fathom a woman not using her ovaries to serve society while these men have waltzed through history childless.

  31. Anoneemous

    November 19, 2015 at 7:19 pm

    why is this news sef. You can keep preaching that to yourself all over.

    This is simply rebellion and selfishness in disguise. Keep fooling yourself and looking for sympathizer to your ungodly cause.
    I wish your parent never wants kid and guess how you will have come about. Tschew!

    • Zsa Zsa

      November 19, 2015 at 10:01 pm

      You can calm down. Why are you so stressed about someone elses choice?
      I can’t see how it is ungodly, after all there are religious leaders all over the world who have dedicated their lives to service and decided not to have kids. Do priests, The Pope, The Dalai Lama ring a bell? Helloooo Mother Teresa? Are they ungodly too?

      Dont assume our parents did us a favor by bringing us into the world. I for one did not ask to be born. When you have a child you owe it to that child to protect and provide for that child, its no longer all about you. I have 3 kids so i know what I’m talking about. They did not ask to be born and i don’t expect them to thank me for being born, I chose to have them.
      My best friend and her 4 siblings have a terrible…terrible relationship with their mother, she almost considers them enemies. My friend has 2 kids ages 6&4 and her mother has only seen them a handful of times, she still cries about it. They’ve concluded that she must have some type of mental disorder.

      Between the ages of 6 and 9 I had no idea where my mother was. I would die a thousand times before anything or anyone could separate me from my children, but thats just me.
      Not all women posses maternal feelings same way not all men are paternal, its all OK. Im not even sure where folks get this idea that all men want kids, a lot of them have kids because they feel its what the woman wants.
      I respect any woman that has the guts to go against societal/family expectations and does what she feels is best not just for her but also the said child.

    • Nuna

      November 20, 2015 at 7:29 am

      Are you even ok??? Why should someone’s choices make you flip out so much?

    • anon

      November 21, 2015 at 11:27 am

      So what about nuns? Catholic priest, people who have been advised not to have kids due to medical, psychological problems,; people who have dedicated their lives to others. Thank you for your opinion , at least your stupidity is not in disguise it is proudly on display on this here blog. I wouldnt call you selfish or rebellious if you choose not to replicate your idiotic genes. On the contrary, – you would be doing planet earth a huge favour. KMT.

  32. Solz

    November 19, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    OMG Tina just described the STORY OF MY LIFE. Never wanted kids or felt that broody feeling. I just thought why would anyone want to deal with all that comes with taking care of kids. Got married and then got pregnant. Felt NOTHING throughout pregnancy, no emotional connection NOTHING. Had my baby and I vividly remember looking over once he popped out thinking you guys better not bring that baby to me. It took me 6 SOLID months to feel ANY type of connection with my child, before then I just went through the motions with absolutely NO EMOTIONS towards him. But something happened one day, I don’t know what changed. I looked at him and felt hopelessly and helplessly in love in a way that quite frankly, only a mother would know. And that was it..I still have days when I’m like gosh well my life is no longer mine, but thinking about him makes it all worth it…

  33. Nonamespls

    November 19, 2015 at 9:05 pm

    I am quite the opposite, always knew i wanted to get back home to my lovely children waiting to hug me( except i had no idea about school pickups, “terrific” twos and sleepless nights.) In all this my daydreams i never quite pictured a man in it. Planning my wedding was the weirdest i had no idea what kind of dress i wanted etc as i had never dreamt of that part but i had a gold pendant i bought for my daughter since my 4th year in uni. Now a mother and you can catch me reading parenting books, looking up healthy toddler meals, pinning toddler activities i never get round to and sincerely i feel i was born to do this errrm about half of the time the other half i am wondering what i am thinking wanting more children!!
    So in summary i guess in another world or soceity i might have fallen in to the babies but no marriage category

  34. Ruqkayah Owolabi

    November 19, 2015 at 9:28 pm

    I’m not alone, I used to think I was weird, I’ve been like this since In can remember, some time I want kids sometimes I’m like F it, the world is a horrible place already I’m doing they a favour why not take care of orphans instead. I wrote a post about it on my blog. I’m 21 and will be 22 in two weeks so i think I have enough time to make up my mind.

  35. Cindy

    November 19, 2015 at 10:10 pm

    I want kids but something scares me. No one asks to be born. Yet when you are born you have to live through the hell the world is today and most especially, you have to live right so that you don’t end up in the real hell. Hmmm……it is a scary something.

  36. Omo

    November 20, 2015 at 6:21 am

    I would like to have kids. But the world is so wicked and I wouldn’t intentionally want to put anyone else through all this.. There are so many children in the world who need love… I may decide to have one child..but for me showing love to the children who are already in this world today is most important. So many hungry children are being abused, trafficked and forced into child labour. I feel like there are so many children who need love to be too concerned about having one of my own to fulfil any maternal desire…..

  37. Okay

    November 20, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Nice write up Mmena,glad you spoke for yourself,some People have the same mindset you do but are scared to speak.i have two kids,oh yes they take away your “freedom” but trust me…they are amazing.
    Would It be okay to admit that I think not wanting kids is being selfish? Because I assume you were also born of a woman and also “ruined” her babe-time at some point.but like I say “all to in own”…for instance I have a cousin who just for some reason thinks all babies are ugly.oh and she doesn’t have any yet.
    When you are a lot older,I am sure you would secretly wish you did have kids.

  38. sibongela

    November 20, 2015 at 8:26 am

    I love kids. It is hard work nurturing a child. They feed on 100% unconditional love. I can hear a lot of people with obvious narcissistic tendencies talking about having kids to fulfill themselves. Anyyone considering kids
    read this book **Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt **
    Mnena if you don’t want kids I respect your decision I don’t think it is selfish. I think it is selfish to bring kids into this world that you do not love and then they get inflicted on society become everyone’s problem.

  39. mia

    November 20, 2015 at 9:52 am

    There are also men who don’t want children. Elnathan John is a popular example and peope should not shame these people, parenting is extremely stressful and a life time responsibility.

  40. Ade

    November 20, 2015 at 10:40 am

    Na wa how does this ladies perfectly normal decision not to have children affect your ability to have millions of sprogs. Infact now that you are aware of this decisoon of mnena why dont you take the opportunity and add more pups to your litter, as pe you want to save humanity from extinction, abi. Mtchewwww. is it in the bible,:is it compulsory. Please go and look after your kids joor before they become a menace to society.

  41. skits

    November 20, 2015 at 1:43 pm

    Different strokes! I have always wanted to get married early and have kids as soon as possible. I love kids and being a mother now makes me more sensitive. If I see a pregnant woman or a woman backing her baby and hawking in the hot sun, my heart just bleeds cos I also imagine my own kids at home chilling without any stress and this child is strapped to his mother’s back practically all day.
    So if anybody feels they are not up to being parents, I can understand cos the worst thing is to bring children into this world deny them the basic love and care that is needed for them to flourish.

  42. Minds Change

    November 20, 2015 at 7:40 pm

    Always wanted kids right from when I was a kid and didn’t know what it meant, through having a vague idea while in secondary school. But when reality struck after graduating university and seeing my mates get married and popping their lil ones, suddeny one day, it just hit me, I didn’t in fact want them after all! I had just romanticized the idea of being a mum while playing with dolls. Now in my late 30’s with a career I enjoy and other activities that fulfil me, I can’t think of compromising my time by having kids. I’m lucky to be dating someone who shares the same desire or lack there of.

    • Prince Charles

      November 22, 2015 at 7:42 pm

      U very lucky to have a partner that understands. One in a million things u got there.

  43. Dee

    November 22, 2015 at 7:54 am

    So ambivalent about this topic- on one hand, I love that people are feeling empowered to make a choice.

    On the other hand, after every visit to “abandoned” elderly people in the community, I am like “chai I must have a good number of children o”. Like every other endeavor in life, nothing is guaranteed- u can work hard and save and a bad stock market kills all ur retirement savings and u still end up poor- same way, some of these elderlies were abandoned by their own child or children, but I just think same way saving increases the odds of retiring ok, having children and bringing them up properly, increase the odds of having a joyful life in old age. So then again, maybe I am just been selfish sha

  44. Prince Charles

    November 22, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    Totally on the same page with this article. Finally some people around here that thinks similar, taught its only babes in western countries that share the view that parenthood aint 4 every1. Not easy finding a partner that dont want kids especially in naija

  45. Lara

    November 25, 2015 at 4:41 pm

    Thats fine, girl! Whatever rocks your boat.

  46. Salama Afro ladies Salon Dubai

    November 26, 2015 at 9:22 pm

    So far nothing of the ‘someone to take care of you in old age’ brigade here and if yall present, I dare say, see you all at the aged-advanced shelter. Yes all of you both them with kids and those without. Plan for it now. It is the reality of the future.
    Children are not some life insurance policy. Live your life by your rules.

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