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He Hits His Wife…A Domestic Abuser reaches out for Help

BellaNaija.com

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dreamstime_s_41432020Hello BellaNaijarians,
We received this comment today on a previous post discussing the controversial comments of an ESPN host on spousal abuse – Do Women Provoke Men to Physically Abuse Them? ESPN Host’s Comments Spark Outrage

The theme of domestic violence and spousal abuse came to the forefront in 2015 with high profile cases including a Dr who died following alleged domestic violence and also celebrity wives speaking out about spousal abuse as well.

Here, a man shares his story on how he hits his wife. He tries to defend himself by saying “he was provoked”. In our opinion, there is no excuse and justification for Domestic Abuse & Violence.
However, he is also crying out for help and advice.
Read and draw your own conclusion.

***

My name is Odus, I have read all the contributions on this blog. I stumbled on this blog as I searched google for an answer to my question: WHY DO MY WIFE ENJOY PROVOKING ME UNTIL I HIT HER?. Yes that is what I am currently facing.

Happily married for years with lovely kids but cursed with a wife whose only language she understands is when I hit her. I have spoken to her begged her, told her things not to do to me yet she derives pleasure in doing them.

One of the contributing statement strongly applies to my case. I will play my scenario and leave you to judge.

On a Monday morning as I rush to get ready for work around past 8, my wife meets me in the kitchen making tea and asks “Where is our daughter?”. I replied saying she is sleeping, my wife goes “Why did you not wake her up?” and I replied saying “I will no longer do that anymore, and anytime she forgets to wake up my daughter early, my daughter wont attend school”

I told her am tired of having to be the one to always wake my daughter up, bath her and at the same time get ready for school and drop her late in her class each day. I told her she should get organised and make sure her kid sleeps on time and wakes up on time and she that caused the argument that day.

Instead of my wife to apologize or express herself in the same way I passed my message across to her. Instead, she started yelling saying “I have started this morning…that if I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, I should not take it on her etc…”

Now unfortunately, we live in the western world where if you raise your voice your neighbours can call the cops but in my case we are known already in my neighbourhood. My wife is the master screamer. She can never argue or express herself in a cordial manner. The painful thing is that she sticks her face in the window and begin to curse and yell so that the whole neighbourhood hears since she knows that I get embarrassed easily and I don’t want my neighbours to know.

On that Monday, I quickly ran to my room to play a Christian tape which usually helps me avoid her and helps dampen the noise so our neighbours don’t hear. She turned it off saying – “I am using her to play tape” and that it was too loud.

Back to the provocation of the said day, after yelling and shouting abuses on me, knowing her, I kept on dressing up to quickly leave the house.

She comes into my room and starts yelling curses on me pointing fingers and pushing my head backwards constantly. I would readjust myself so I don’t fall as I was dressing up and she would shove and push.

She said she would make sure I hit her today… I tried holding myself but the curses and abuses, shoving and tearing of my shirt made me slap her which she wanted so much and told her I was her husband and she had no right to point fingers at me or shove me…she can shout but never do that.

I pushed her out of my room tried to lock the door but realized my little daughter was staring so I left it open not to scare her. My wife went to the living room and was shouting that I had beaten her and I had hit her to my little daughter. My daughter became hysterical but my wife did not even bother.  She came back dragged me and was swinging me round from one corner to the other. When I could not take it anymore I reacted…when she saw that I carried a tool and I was going to hit her.

Guess what she said?

“Please don’t do it you know you have a heart condition. Remember your heart” and I said to myself what type of a wife is this? This same woman had sent me to the emergency for heart attack early this year. Thank GOD I did not hit her with the stool. I kept it and changed and packed up some more clothes so I slept out that day. While leaving with my bags, my wife came out and said to me “bye bye useless man …”

I am so so embarrassed and I want this to stop but am afraid it will continue because my wife does it on purpose and when I try to leave she hides the key. Lots of times, I have videoed her and she would get worried and reduces but most times she will provoke until you push or shove and if you do that she goes to the ground and screams you have beaten her. Meanwhile, she is hitting scratching or placing huge curses at you.

I am a victim of provocation at the highest level. Yes, it is not right to hit a woman and one cannot justify it which I continue to regret but how do you handle a woman who wants you to hit her at all cost and would do anything to make sure you hit her. Yes you would say leave the house but if am about to leave she will stand in front of the door or seize the key…if you push her away you have abused her …how do you deal with this please advise.

APOLOGIES FOR THE TYPOS.

*Name changed

Photo Credit: Sixdaysllc | Dreamstime.com

73 Comments

  1. Thatgidigirl

    December 30, 2015 at 10:23 am

    You’re not just a victim of provocation, you’re also a victim of abuse. If all you’ve written is true then your wife is abusing you too. Some women are naturally cantankerous and takes a man with extra patience to live with them, even the bible says it’s better to live on a rooftop than to live with a quarrelsome woman. If there’s a person of authority that she respects maybe you can speak to them so she can seek help….like her family, pastor etc. Otherwise you would go to jail because of her soon.

    • Seriously

      December 30, 2015 at 4:46 pm

      @ thatgidigirl

      I agree. They are both abusers. Some women are very difficult to deal with. Passive aggressive, drama queen, verbally abusive, and very selfish. And I wish, we women will also look at ourselves as the problem not just the men only. when I’m upset, I talk so loud, don’t give bae room to explain himself. I had to watch myself bcos this can lead to something bigger.
      I have an aunt, sweet but she gets aggressive when she’s frustrated. Her husband is victim of her shenanigans. She slaps him, hits him, pushes his head and sometimes throws things at him. One day, her husband swung his arm to defend himself and accidentally hit her in the face. Her lips got swollen. She cried for days, told everyone her husband beats her. We asked their children, what do they think? Three of them said, mom is always angry and fighting. They feel sorry for their dad bcos he has to deal with her constantly. And they also mentioned how she beats them with shoes, cords over little things. Their dad has to stop her sometimes when the beating is too much. We did an intervention for her. She needs, Anger management and therapy. She refused it. We told her, if she does it again we will call the cop on her for physical abuse on the children. Women and children are cases that will be taken seriously. There’s this notion of men handling domestic violence no matter what which is unfair.

  2. Tife

    December 30, 2015 at 10:24 am

    Why not walk away??

    • Khia

      December 30, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      You’re an abuser. It’s even in your language. Get over yourself and stop blaming only her. She’s also an abuser but so are you! I hope you both go to jail so that it’ll shake your irresponsible asses up when social services comes for your daughter. You don’t have to be married if you can’t respect each other.

    • ElessarisElendil

      December 30, 2015 at 12:38 pm

      “On that Monday, I quickly ran to my room to play a Christian tape which usually helps me avoid her ” Walk as opposed to ‘ran’?

    • kadara

      December 30, 2015 at 1:24 pm

      You are both abusing each other. I don’t believe there’s ever a reason to hit someone except in self defense. If a 6’8 guy with big muscles provokes you on the streets will you fight him? the answer is no and that shows you hit your wife because she’s physically weaker than you and you know you can take her on which makes you a coward. Both of you need counseling and a separation period to be sure you even want to be with each other because there is a lot of hate between you. Your daughter deserves better than the toxic environment you’ve both put her in and if care is not taken social services will remove her from you guys. If you guys keep up at this rate things will surely end badly. Get out , get counseling and if things change then give it a 2nd chance , if not move on. You’ll both be happier and so will you’re daughter, its better for her to spend separate time with each of you than live in that toxic environment.

    • mafi

      January 31, 2016 at 7:28 pm

      U dont have any idea of what he is going through . U are blaming him.

  3. Jane

    December 30, 2015 at 10:24 am

    Mr man, you should have told your wife a day before that you wouldn’t wake up your daughter anymore, and had a calm respectful discussion about why you suddenly wanted to drop a responsibility you have previously been doing without complaints.

    How can you suddenly spring up this change on her and expect her not to react?

    Can you do that to your boss/colleagues in the office? Can you go to work one morning and tell them that you no longer want to do one of your duties and actually NEGLECT that duty without warning? You know you will be severely dealt with, if not fired. So why do you come home and do that shit to your wife?

    I’ll tell you why, because you don’t respect her.

    If she could fire/sack/get rid of you with an official termination letter, she would. But, alas, she’s stuck to you like glue because of marriage and out of frustration starts to abuse you verbally.

    You started this particular fight. Your lack of mutual respect is the problem.

    Respect your wife and you will enjoy her. Forcing her to take on your responsibility suddenly is DISRESPECTFUL AND YOU SHOULD BE SLAPPED FOR THAT.

    nigerwifediary.blogspot.com

    • Charles

      December 30, 2015 at 10:46 am

      Your comment is appalling & selfish.

    • Jane

      December 30, 2015 at 11:13 am

      How? He provoked her by forcing on his responsibility on her suddenly.

      She abused him which provoked him to slap her.

      He started this. He needs to take responsibility. And STOP PROVOKING HER. There’s a reason why my comment has been loved.

    • bruno

      December 30, 2015 at 10:51 am

      blaming the victim (the man)
      u are trying ur hardest to push the blame and problem on the man but u cant. ur comment is the most stupid thing I have read in 2015. u are dumb.

      admit it, the woman just like most women are provocators. always looking for a fight, always trying to tempt their husband/boyfriend and when their husband or boyfriend slaps them they start shouting “DOMESTIC VIOLENCE” , I AM A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

      an idiot above said the man should walk away. many of u are so foolish. didnt u read, he usually runs to into the room when his useless wife starts acting like a -, to listen to Christian music so he can calm down and the bitch that is his wife follows him to continue provocking him. when he want to leave the house, she stands by the door, blocking him. so what do u expect the poor man to do. u want a beating, u will get it.

      admit it. some women deserve the beating they get. if u analyse most of the domestic violence cases. the woman most of tge time is at fault. this is not 1860 where men go out to drink and go back home drunk and start beating their wives for no reason. men of today are responsible and well cultured. its the women who keep pushing and pushing their spouse to breaking point.

      there are two types of women in this world. ladies and -.this man has married a bitch. I feel sorry for him.
      a man can never raise his hand on a lady. its only a- a man can raise his hand against.

    • Jane

      December 30, 2015 at 11:08 am

      You are the DUMBEST person here. Not to mention rude. Everyone on BN knows you have serious mental health issues.

      If you can’t see that the so called victim provoked his wife FIRST, then go away.

      He is saying he was provoked….but he is guilty of the same thing.

      using your strange definition of a lady as an analogy: there are types of men – Gentlemen and bastards.

      A gentleman can never be provoked to physically abuse his wife. NEVER.

    • Sunshine

      December 30, 2015 at 11:09 am

      I believe we should all be capable of commenting on the personal lives of other people (no matter how upset we may be) without resorting to using derogatory words. Bella Naija what exactly are you moderating if commenters are allowed to use the B word on your website?

    • halyma

      December 30, 2015 at 10:56 am

      Please don’t cross over into 2016 with this your line of reasoning please!

    • LEM

      December 30, 2015 at 11:09 am

      First of all I want to believe this is a different Jane not ‘Jane public aka mama saffron’. Secondly are you serious? Did you actually type all that crap in good conscience? I wont even comment on the write up because we have not heard madams version but what you wrote is total and utter crap my dear and I seriously worry about the man or potential man (as the case may be) in your life.

    • Aisha

      December 30, 2015 at 11:59 am

      I shake my head for you Jane

    • Tunmi

      December 30, 2015 at 2:57 pm

      Thank you!!!!! ? ? ? ? ? ? and what is so bad about him getting their daughter ready for the day. And the use of “my daughter” and “her daughter” is telling. But truly my guy, can you do that at work. Or can you repeat the same actions to a MMA fighter?

    • chyka victor

      December 30, 2015 at 10:47 pm

      Its only people who think like you that will like this comment of yours…am appalled!

  4. AnnieRose

    December 30, 2015 at 10:35 am

    @Jane. I’m worried for the man in your life.

    • Jane

      December 30, 2015 at 11:15 am

      Don’t worry darling…Been married for over 10 years. He good 🙂

    • bruno

      December 30, 2015 at 12:25 pm

      he would soon leave u for his side chic, watch and see. I will be here laughing when u write to aunty bella agony section, crying about how ur husband of 10 years has left u for his side chic who is younger, peckier, intelligent and more beautiful than u.
      lol

    • x

      December 30, 2015 at 2:07 pm

      He is enduring you mean to say! You share the same Xter with the woman of topic

  5. Bizola

    December 30, 2015 at 10:36 am

    I am so sorry for your predicament but Mr. you have to walk out of that toxic marriage. Firstly, you have health problems, it’s bad for your daughter to grow up in such an environment, fight for custody for your daughter. Beating her might one day get you into big trouble eg pushing or shoving her to her death. Nobody deserves to be in such a marriage, marriage is not a do or die affair or a visa to heaven. I keep telling people, never compromise your happiness in the name of marriage. We don’t have to get spiritual about issues like this or involving pastors or family members, your wife needs to visit a shrink for thorough counselling and therapy.
    Act fast before it’s too late.

  6. ATL's finest

    December 30, 2015 at 10:37 am

    Omg! I feel your pain & although I have NEVER EVER been in such a relationship, I just think the worse mistake anyone could make is been married to the wrong spouse.

    Dearest writer, please sick professional help & she needs help too. Try as much to drive off when she starts to provoke U. Someday, U’ll hit her on d wrong spot & the rest will be history. I pray it doesn’t come to that.

    I tell U, I’ve seen such a barbaric behavior from a FAM Friend’s wife. Haba this woman will stand by d door & wait for her hubby, grab him by his pants Chineke..It felt like I was watching WWE or the Mayweather fight smh.

    I don’t know how it got outta hand but from your explanation, although there are two sides to every story. If all u said is true; then she needs help as well. There’s a child involved & U’both have got to think about that part. Some women are just worse than our men. I, wouldn’t suggest a divorce but do what’s BEST for you. Living in hell & a broken marriage just because u wanna stay married isn’t healthy at all. What’s the point of being married when its like U are married to the devil from hell.

    And you as the man, pls try not to hit her again that wouldn’t solve the problem. U know she’s pushing those ugly buttons of Urs. So try not to give in. GOODLUCK & ALL THE BEST..

    • ATL's finest

      December 30, 2015 at 10:38 am

      *seek* Correcting all my Ogors with my sleepy quarter eyes

  7. Abimbola

    December 30, 2015 at 10:40 am

    I’m not sure this is a cry for help,feels more like’help me justify why i hit my wife.
    How do you handle provocation from every other person,do you justify hitting others too?
    I want to believe nobody wants to be hit,no matter the case,it just seems like sceaming and ranting is your wife’s medium of communication albeit excessive
    Also,please dont bring your children into this.Dont punish your daughter for your wife’s inadequacies.I believe your daughter is both yours and if your wife refuses to do it and you can,do it.if not get a nanny.
    Please never underrate the need for peace in a marriage,there’s no one way to create happiness,always bridge the peace.
    It is obvious your wife is a troublemaker and the best way to treat her is to NOT indulge her.She wants attention but she’s going about it the wrong way.
    Talk to her,PRAY for her and with her,remind her how much you love her.
    Also remember how Christ loves us,very Unconditional. The bible has said men should love their wives as Christ has loved the church.

    • no

      December 30, 2015 at 4:59 pm

      Naah, I don’t think he’s justifying anything. he doesn’t live with every other person that provokes him and its not constant. so, just divorce after giving her a thorough beating.

  8. Adenike

    December 30, 2015 at 10:41 am

    This is clearly a pending deliverance case. But since we live in the western world?, file a divorce and make sure you have videos of her doing what she does, and present as evidence. If she’s sane, she will calm down at the possibility of divorce (but maybe that’s what she really wants). Hopefully you will get custody of the kids cos she is mentally or emotionally unstable, or she is been remote-controlled. As for beating her, STOP! You can never justify it, even if you feel you have a reason. At the end of the day, nobody cares if your neighbour calls you oloriburuku for ten years and one day you react, hit his head on the wall and he dies. All would say “crucify him, crucify him”, and only be interested in when you go to jail, and “justice” prevails.

  9. ATL's finest

    December 30, 2015 at 10:41 am

    Abeg we need more pop corn seller with diet green tea for this article cuz these comments are about to ROLL in & I await all these men with their #AmTHEHEADofhouse# mentality ????

  10. Adenike

    December 30, 2015 at 10:42 am

    File for a divorce*

  11. Anita

    December 30, 2015 at 10:53 am

    @ Jane you are a replica of this man”s wife Walahi. How can you open your mouth to say such rubbish, so a woman should be abusing her husband? Are you sure you know the meaning of Disrespectful, because if you do you will know the one being disrespectful is the Woman. If it were a woman that was narrating her story this man will be crucified with Abuses by us women, we should be fair and say the truth .

  12. halyma

    December 30, 2015 at 10:53 am

    Speechless!
    What you need at the moment is to get away from your wife as far as possible…yes separation whether temporary or not . If you keep going like this, you or your wife would be dead sooner than you know it and trust me, sorry would not be enough to fix it. Try and seek help from the outside and if it does not work, please walk away…Jesus did not die for you to be in this bondage!

  13. Ozzie

    December 30, 2015 at 10:54 am

    You wife needs psychological help. Get her to see a doctor. Pretend it’s for you if you have to. You probably need one though.
    And Pray! Pray like you have never prayed before. Our loving Father who sees all will intervene.

  14. Weezy

    December 30, 2015 at 10:55 am

    Keep excusing your behavior. You think oyinbo will listen to you when they arrest you and throw you in jail? Keep slapping her until the police takes you to Rikers.

    The two of you hate each other. You need couples counseling or maybe separation or one of you will end up in jail (probably you!). And your children will continue to learn that this is how marriage is. Your relationship sounds like hell.

    • RIFF RAFF

      December 30, 2015 at 11:04 am

      I AGREE. WALK AWAY IF U WANT TO KEEP YOUR SANITY. BUT BE EQUALLY READY TO PAY CHILD SUPPORT. AND THE WOMEN THERE KNOW HOW TO EMPTY ONE’S POCKET WITH THESE THINGS WHILE PREVENTING YOU FROM HAVING ACCESS TO YOUR KIDS.

  15. Yewande

    December 30, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Your daughter should not be in such a toxic environment because she will grow up believing that this is what normal healthy relationships are like. It’s time to end this marriage if counseling won’t work for both of you.

    • chi-e-z

      January 6, 2016 at 7:04 am

      exactly! he just made his daughter never feel safe enough around any man to marry. I know this. Self control is a virtue.

  16. Princess P

    December 30, 2015 at 10:58 am

    Walk away please…such a toxic environment

  17. bruno

    December 30, 2015 at 11:10 am

    my advice to u.
    BEAT THE -. maybe she will learn her lesson.

    u tried to walk away she followed u, I think u should give her what she is begging for which is serious beating.

    just dedicate one faithful Saturday and beat her thoroughly. just watch, after u give her the beating of her life she will start respecting u. she will stop this her – behaviour. Most nigerian men will testify to this method. it works like magic. talking or counselling will not solve anything. ur wife is a – from hell.

    can u imagine this – from hell. using her finger to push ur head. a kind man like u that any woman (or man) is praying to have. Instead a foolish – of a woman is taking u for granted and provoking u.

    and some of u silly women will come to the comment section and starr crying that there are no good nigerian men.

    give a good man to a nigerian woman and watch as she will start maltreating him and nagging him and making his life a miserable hell.

    • Onyeka

      December 30, 2015 at 11:40 am

      Bella Naija. it’s not in the interest of impressionable young men to approve a comment like this. I know there is free speech and most people who frequent your blog understand to ignore comments from the commenter above but a comment that encourages violence of any kind should not be approved. Even if people will be vile in their speech, let’s limit the platform on which this violence can be propagated.

      Thanks

    • miini

      December 31, 2015 at 7:48 am

      Dear Bruno, ur folly knows no end. I feel sad for ur life.

  18. bruno

    December 30, 2015 at 11:13 am

    as usual bellanaija commenters will pretend. just admit it the woman is wrong. stop making excuses for bad behaviour.

    lets turn the tables. if it was a man who kept nagging and provoking his wife. would u have adviced her to walk away? nonsense

    • purpliciousbabe

      December 31, 2015 at 5:28 pm

      BRUNO…. you are WRONG for encouraging violence. You are so WRONG…. SO WRONG.
      I hope nobody listens to your stupid, insensitive, useless advice. Did you read the part where they have a child? or that he has heart condition? NO TO VIOLENCE..

      To the poster, do the right thing??? SEEK HELP.
      My worry is next time you will use the stool on her and then it will be worse than this. Blood on your hands, your ass in jail and a dysfunctional child.. Worse still you end up in hospital..

      SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP ASAP. GOODLUCK!!

  19. gbemi

    December 30, 2015 at 11:15 am

    These are your options:
    (A) walk away while everyone is still alive
    (B) walk away in a coffin (dead)
    (C) stay there and allow her to frame you for domestic battery
    (D) stay there and be provoked to kill her

    Choose one

  20. jess

    December 30, 2015 at 11:16 am

    I love what abimbola said above. Women are usually the one maintaining peace in the house and compromising just for peace sake.

    Your wife is the opposite so maybe it’s your turn to act the peace maker. You just told us a story, no one knows other stories your wife may tell building up to this. I am not justifying your wife’s behaviour neither am I justifying your beating her. There is a word called self control, you should have an overdose of this especially as you have such a wife.

    If roles were reversed, people will advise the woman to pray for the man, find the right atmosphere to talk to him etc. Oga o I am advising you to do the same. Cook dinner for your wife just you two get someone to look after your baby. Give her a massage afterwards, tell her how much you love her bla bla bla ask for her forgiveness for everytime you hit her and promise her it will not repeat. Then you can address her screaming nature. You guys should decide the best way to communicate probably even by email.

    Women are groomed to handle situations when a man is a problem in marriage but men are not so they resort to hitting which is a cowards way out for me. Nothing stops you from walking out of the door when your wife starts screaming. If you try all your best and it’s still not working you leave. Hitting her will not solve anything.

  21. Onyeka

    December 30, 2015 at 11:19 am

    The problem with people is that we like to blame our actions on anyone but ourselves. That you have chosen degenerate to a level of animalistic behavioural display is on you and your wife.

    I’m sorry to be insensitive but if you were at work and were “provoked” chances are you would not react… most people can keep it together at work (because they know their source of income comes from there). At work, when people feel marginalised or abused, they take process driven measures to alleviate it (HR, lawsuits etc) so why do we then degenerate at home? Because we want to or the consequences are not as dire for us.

    MR… you are being emotionally abused, but it doesn’t excuse physical abuse either. You 2 are not giving your daughter a health socialisation and will no doubt warp her sense of what’s right and wrong.

    My advise for you… if you cannot be civil to each other,,, it’s better you both walk away from what is no doubt a toxic relationship.
    But like you would do at work try proess driven solutions: counselling etc..

    There is no excuse for a man to hit his wife, neither is there one for a woman to hit her husband; any one that tells you different is an infantile moron who is still operating at the ID stage of childhood development.

  22. FELICIA

    December 30, 2015 at 11:21 am

    when ever any problem arises dat concerns women, dere will be so much finger at dem, mr provoker, u are also at fault, u told u dat caring for a child is a woman’s responsibility, its 50- 50, n to worsen it ur wife sounds like an house wife, establish sometn for her inorder to reduce ur heart attack in d house n dont u ever raise ur hand on ur wife infront of d children no matter wat, walk away n face worst dan this or stay n solve ur marital problems……. GUDLUCK

  23. Foxtrot

    December 30, 2015 at 11:37 am

    This is why so many marriages are failing – everybody going around telling half truths and then getting advice on these half baked stories from friends that do not have a questioning spirit!
    Facts to consider

    1/ This guy has confessed that he “hits” his wife. What I got from this is that he hits her regularly or when he is “provoked” to hit her. He is supposed to love this woman! Question: Is he never provoked outside the house? Does he go around hitting people just because they have pissed him off? Why does he resort to reacting in this manner with the one person he promised to love? Both parties are very poor communicators
    2/ What is the point of creating a situation and then running into a room to listen to gospel music? In every relationship each person understands the trigger points of their partner. This story makes no sense and he has clearly omitted a few things? Why did he suddenly wake up that morning and unilaterally decide not to wake his daughter up anymore? Did he not also “provoke” her? This man knew that this would trigger a reaction. Why couldn’t he broach his concerns about taking care of his daughter in another way?
    3/ If he had listened to that music when he woke up feeling used he would have handled the issue like a true head of a home! He would have sat her down lovingly to explaining his position – nobody goes crazy when they are spoken to with some consideration and respect. For Christs sake! Why do we treat out homes and our spouses much worse that we treat our jobs, businesses and colleagues?

    Mr Man – divorce is not the answer! Stop playing about and be a man! Manage your home! Find better ways of communicating! Go for counseling with someone you both trust and who you both respect! Make it your goal in life to never ever have this type of rubbish occur in front of your child or even to her hearing! This is a bloody disgrace! Stop it! You can go out for dinner or go to the park to argue! Argue there, resolve the issue there and drop the bloody issue there ! The trick is if you treat anyone with respect you will get more than respect back! Just try it one day at a time! Let your wife be shocked at the changes she sees in you. She clearly isn’t happy! As a husband and the head of the home it is your responsibility to make your wife happy o! Happy wife! Happy home!

    Sorry this was sooooo long but please stop telling people to file for divorce or separate based on one single incomplete story!!!!!!

  24. Mr Charles

    December 30, 2015 at 11:46 am

    I think your wife has issues she’s angry or has low self esteem or suffering from a physiological problem. Whatever it is I will suggest to take a step back and analysis the situation.

    -. Apologize for slapping her, Apologize for deciding alone regarding your daughter.
    -Look for a common ground. Do something fun together , build a new relationship with your wife.
    -Honestly find common grounds.

    Show love to her and be selfless. Her head will reset.

    Never abuse your wife or hit her in front of your daughter again not matter what. Once she shouting just seat down and be looking at her like a zombie.

    If your wife is playing hot better play cold else you will die young.

  25. Adeola

    December 30, 2015 at 11:49 am

    ”I told her she should get organised and make sure her kid sleeps on time and wakes up on time and she that caused the argument that day” “I will no longer do that anymore, and anytime she forgets to wake up my daughter early, my daughter wont attend school”
    Whats up with the my daughter, her kid in your statements, that means you don’t consider you guys as one, and that’s why you find it hard to help out (e.g getting your daughter ready for school) joyfully and willingly in the house.
    This still boils down to justifying yourself. woman beater!!!

  26. Kaychy

    December 30, 2015 at 11:51 am

    Sad story. I am a woman but there are some women that are just troublesome and evil. Please leave the marriage before it becomes a murder case and u end up behind bars. Think of your little child and file for a divorce. It will surely Favour u especially if u v proof of her abuse on u. Slapping her z called self defence (don’t crucify me abeg). BTW…..I v been a living witness to such a case. It was even worse. D woman tore her hubby’s clothes in public n so many other things too numerous to mention

  27. Someone who cares

    December 30, 2015 at 11:56 am

    I really think both parties are to be blamed and so I support neither. The 1st step in solving a problem is recognising there is one so I suggest they both go for counselling session because believe it or not they are stuck with each other and an innocent child is involved here. So if the man believes the marriage is worth saving he should go down on his knees in prayer and try to seek help from someone with experience in this kind of situation and I believe there is no smoke without a fire so something has probably led to this situation the family is facing. Cheer up Mr I believe every problem has a solution the question is are you willing to find it. From someone who cares

  28. Aisha Wahab

    December 30, 2015 at 12:00 pm

    It breaks my heart that women can be devilish and wicked. I feel it pain sit and I don’t think u deserve such treatment. I honestly think u should keep praying for her to change. It might sound stupid and most likely not what u Want to eat but u can’t keep hitting her, what if u kill her one day? U will be jailed for life and no court will listen to u. It’s either u pray for her or just take a walk. Stop hitting her even if she tempts u to touch her. I can say she is possessed. All the best

  29. Cmbo

    December 30, 2015 at 12:36 pm

    You both need some space. She has abused you to the point where you have stooped to her level and become an abuser yourself. She needs a wake up call. Leave! And let her reflect on if she would rather be husbandless or whether she would strive for peace. No divorce o, just give her some alone time

  30. Great Lady

    December 30, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    The both of you are tired of the marriage, but neither of you is courageous enough to pull the plug. Truth is if one of you don’t leave, something very terrible will happen soon, even death. File for a divorce or a separation.

  31. Tosin

    December 30, 2015 at 1:33 pm

    I sincerely hope you are joking, Bruno. Nothing justifies physical domestic abuse, and for that the man (i.e the complainant) gets no sympathy from me, sadly, even though I will readily concede that majority of men won’t condone the scenario he has painted. Jane, your comments appear biased and insensitive even though I can appreciate where you are coming from. Whilst its important to hear the lady’s side of the story (and I must reiterate that it’s wrong to pass judgement solely based on one party’s side of the story), what I will suggest is that this couple should seek serious marital counselling and live apart for a while. A man can’t justify beating his wife, its a criminal offense (punishable in every sane society) , and on the other hand even the bible eschews us to flee from a quarrelsome wife as she can bring destruction to ANY man.

  32. Udegbunam Chukwudi

    December 30, 2015 at 1:37 pm

    Abeg marriage no be by force. Na life-time imprisonment go get you soon when you touch her one of these days and she quench. WALK AWAY

  33. Miss Lady

    December 30, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    However you put it, you are a wife beater. Repent and apologize. We all make mistakes. You are the husband so taking the lead is no big deal. If you can apologize, your wife too will be able to see herself for the dragon she really is, become ashamed and change her ways. She’s obviously a challenge but sorry, your reaction is your choice. This lifestyle is what you wouldn’t wish on your enemy so why create it for yourself? Think of what you are showing your daughter. This is what she will replicate in her own marriage if care is not taken. This is how generational curses start. Don’t let any hateful person take you to that level. Instead remember why you married her, look at her with compassion and try to rehabilitate her and as you rehabilitate yourself. If a mad man on the street insults you do you attack? No. You are wrong. Also note that nagging and provocation is not a crime but wife beating is. You could be jailed. Your health can’t take it. Your strength and dominance as a man is not in hitting. It is in self-control and righteousness. Your wife will be shamed into changing. Good luck and God bless.

  34. chu

    December 30, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    I believe that there is absolutely no justification for a man to beat a woman, nothing at all. However a woman can provoke a man to the point that he wants to beat her. I know a guy very gentle and sweet, till he started going out with this girl, she would provoke him so much till it turned to a boxing match. He stayed in his mum’s bq, it got to a point when they were fighting one night the mum who was not aware of the girl’s presence had to come down and intervene. I was shocked to my bones cos if anyone told me this guy could hurt a lady I would never believe. Thank God the relationship ended. He is married now and hopefully not beating his wife.
    I came to realize that some women come from abusive homes, where they saw their fathers beat their mums and some actually see it as a sign of love. They actually want to be beaten and will provoke the man to do so.
    The solution is that you as the man must not satisfy her urge to be beaten if that is her wish, go for counselling together, maybe a professional will help her see the error of her ways. I do not believe in all the’ be respectful, try to cajole her talk’, and that swings both ways i.e if its the woman that was complaining. A man should not turn to a mumu because he is trying to be careful around his wife and vice versa. If she persists after you have done your best, maybe you should separate for a while. I am very concerned about your daughter who sees these things and that’s scarring another generation taking the abuse full cycle.
    At the end of my long epistle I will reiterate, please do not be provoked to hit your wife, no matter what.

  35. thow___lou

    December 30, 2015 at 3:54 pm

    I hate abusive men but somehow I just feel sorry for you and your situation. I think your marriage needs help cos it seems all is broken and there is no love. I am glad you are attempting to seek help but you need more than BN comments, you need to speak to your wife in the loveliest manner and you both should see a therapist, marriage counsellor. Above all speak to God to restore your marriage, I believe you still love her and that’s why you are seeking help. God will give you wisdom. Amen

  36. jnizubs

    December 30, 2015 at 4:36 pm

    my opinion is simple and short. No man has the right to beat up his wife n vice versa. If you are provoked leave the house, if it continues seek help. if it doesn’t stop, take a bow.

  37. Felinda

    December 30, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    What a coincidence i am stumbling on this post cos just yesterday i watched a video which has changed my life (i am no a victim of abuse but i know plenty of friends and family who have been and i sent the link to them to all watch it).

    I urge you to please go on youtube and type in

    “Karrine Steffans x California State University x Violence as a Language” – it has 8 parts

    This is a talk by Karrine Steffans who talks about Abuse (both the abuser and abusee and how all needs help, its a very profound speech. Dont judge her based on her past cos her sin aint bigger than yours, just be patient and listen to all 8 parts of the video and I swear to you – you will learn a lot from it. Dont judge her, just watch the video. Everyone who has been a victim of abuse will learn from this video. I feel God is going to use this girl to change many lifes regardless of how many judge her past.

    You can start of with part 8 of 8 and maybe that might urge you to start from part 1 of 8
    youtube.com/watch?v=yB3V5qi7gJ4

  38. Felinda

    December 30, 2015 at 5:05 pm

    My only question is how long did you date and didnt you see these signs when you dated

    Ladies and Gentlemen – one of he most important prayer topics in life (if not THE most important) is for God to bring you the best man or woman to marry, cos once you miss this, your life is fcked up for life.

    I remember is secondary school at age 13 a colleague use to prayer for her future husband and we all laughed at her, now if i could rewind the years, i will do same. She had a prayer warrior mom and grandmother, and guess what she married well (am not talking rich per say but peaceful happy and looking younger). I have learnt from her and when i have a baby i will start praying for their future husband and i will teach them how at an early age.

    I feel sorry for both the woman and man in this situation and please dont forget the kids in this equation and simply say ” why dont you leave” – when you watch the Karrine Steffans video i suggested you will understand why abused victims stay.

  39. molarah

    December 30, 2015 at 5:22 pm

    Mr Man, you’ve seen it all in the comments above. It’s too easy to justify your actions when things are not going as planned – and that has almost become the template of relationship stories on this blog: single-sided stories from both men and women. You’ve painted your wife as some psychotic individual, was she that way when you married her? If not, whatever went wrong has something to do with you, and you have to do a bit of soul searching and retracing of steps to find out what exactly this is. If you don’t think you have the energy or patience to do this I suggest you get away for a while and try to figure out what went wrong. If this did started before your marriage try to get someone she looks up to and respects – a parent, pastor, or so – and explain the situation. This is not so they can chide her like a kid but for them to calmly explain the consequences of the behaviour she is displaying. In all, you need help: your family situation is not normal, your marriage looks like its on the brink, and your little daughter deserves a much better quality of family life from you both. Don’t be quick to split up: divorcing will not show you the root cause of the matter and you could end up with another woman much worse than she is. My appeal to you is to look past all the aggravation she has caused you and to take the lead as the man to make the necessary steps to set your family right again.

  40. nene

    December 30, 2015 at 5:49 pm

    oga you and your wife don’t love each other but i feel like you don’t want to divorce her because you don’t want to give her half of your money like the court will tell you to. until u kill her and get sent to jail! both of u are selfish

  41. Erniesss

    December 30, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Hello mister, i believe you both have anger issues and you need to work on it. I see disaster if you guys continue like this o. See a psychologist ASAP

  42. Becca

    December 30, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Will come back to read the article but I’ve come across some couples and the women were so provoking & aggravating. I really wanted to beat the bish for the poor guy myself cause he couldn’t but boy did she warrant one.
    It’s like watching a child misbehaving and being rude to their parents and just wanna smack them into order but instead it’s a grown assed woman. I’ve seen a jezebel provoke jesus into the unthinkable. There is battered husband syndrome too where the guy just snaps and gives her a thrashing.

  43. fan

    December 30, 2015 at 9:27 pm

    The man asked for help and you are here blaming him.I don’t know how some people reason.Any I suggest you go for counseling with your wife.

  44. Honeycrown

    December 31, 2015 at 4:51 am

    Ogbeni, both of you may need time apart to ponder if it’s worth staying in the relationship. I also think your wife might be tired of the marriage and she may be provoking you because she’s using it as a channel to speak out loud or end the relationship. if you’re not cheating and finances isn’t a big issue, trust me she don tire and she’s probably already seeing another man.
    Also, from past experience of a friend who was violent and an instigator in a marriage that she wanted to badly leave, I truly believe this is what is happening to you guys. Chai those days I assumed the role of a friend, referee, counsellor, preacher, motivational speaker etc Even me wey no dey the relationship felt the pressure and her friendship was like a second job. Loro kan sha, things got better in every way after they separated. Marriage is not by compulsory abeg but happiness is. All the best!

  45. Aviela

    January 18, 2016 at 11:24 pm

    You physically abuse your wife and she verbally abuse you,and the unfortunate thing is that the victim here is your child,i am shocked that both of you are not thinking about the effects of the abuse on her,your relationship is toxic and it’s either you both get professional help to deal with this abuse or you ask for separation,because at this rate,she might just push you to murder and that is another kettle of fish.

  46. riiii

    January 21, 2016 at 11:49 am

    leave her for at least 6months. make sure it’s 6 months, but don’t cheat on her

  47. Tuff

    May 9, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Dude, I feel you 150%. I myself have been in a relationship exactly like this. Your wife is mentally unstable and you should leave the marriage as soon as you can before things get out of hand one day and you accidentally kill her. Everyone is right for saying you both are guilty of abuse. I know that I definitely was when I hit her. The only thing is just like you said, she intentionally provokes you to be beat her. It’s like she gets kicks out of making you stoop so low. I don’t care what any silly girl or guy comes here to say. Don’t talk until you’ve experienced it. It’s like being bullied by a girl and people keep telling you not to defend yourself all because she’s a woman. That’s what my girlfriend was, a big fat stinking bully. I have been in tons of relationships and the one with her is the only one that ever got violent. She would do everything and I mean everything to get me to hit her. Push my head, lock the door, get in my face, mimic me, push me down, drag me up, spit on me, shout loud untruths about me for the neighbors to hear, bang on my door for ours when I refused to let her in, try to force me to – her. Men, I swear I know it’s wrong but there was only so much I could take. I actually had to change schools because of her. I broke it off with her on the last day and when I returned for the next semester, she found where I lived and would constantly slash my tires. Our problem got so bad that the cops got involved. It was terrible. GET OUT AS FAST AS YOU CAN! She’s not changing anytime soon.

  48. Pam

    March 14, 2017 at 1:57 pm

    You both should seek Christian marriage counseling to stop that behavior especially if you have kids

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