Nkem Ndem: 5 Irritating Lies Nigerian Men Tell

Has a Nigerian guy ever lied to you so blatantly that you just wanted to take off your bra, so your mammary glands would, at least, jiggle for effect when you clap at him and shout “Laya ! Laaayaaa! Uncle…you are a laya!”? I had the strong urge to defy decorum and do just that two days ago when I ran into a friend’s love interest at the Palms Mall, VI, on Valentine’s Day. Unknown to him, I had seen him stroll in hand–in-hand with another girl earlier on while I was at Double 4. Somehow he had broken away from the girl and was alone when I bumped into him in front of Mango, both of us going in opposite directions. He was holding two large Mango paper bags and an extra one from MAC.
“Hi, Seyi, fancy running into you…what are you doing here?” I greeted cheerfully.
“Hey!” He responded, slightly startled. “I just rushed in to pick up a few groceries from Shoprite, you know how we bachelors do, no wifey to help us gather things…your friend is forming madam now, she does not want to cook for me.”
“Oh, really?” I laughed “So, you are here …on your own…to buy food stuff?” I asked. I do not know why I set the trap for him, but in all truth, I was hoping he wouldn’t fall into it. I mean, I could literally see the bags in his hands, and I knew they did not contain foodstuff. Unfortunately, his reply was disappointing: “Before? Who do I want to come with? I have to take care of me, for me and give myself the joy that ‘me’ needs” he replied grinning.
The dude actually even tried to pull off a rhyme with his lies! For a minute, I wanted to call him out and ask about the bags and the girl, but then…he was not my love interest, and pucknosing is not style. Also, he and my friend were not even official yet. I just ended our small talk and left.

As I sat through the traffic on the way home, I battled with the urge to call my friend and give her the gist. But then, I knew I didn’t have all the facts and in spilling the beans, I may be nipping a possible “happy ever after” in the bud, based on assumptions fostered by Prince Charming’s white lie. To distract myself, I started on a list of annoying lies I had heard from Nigerian men over time…and guess what? The list turned out to be for Africa! Immediately, I decided I would share some of the most irritating in an article for the benefit of the unsuspecting female folk. Here are the main five:

I’m single
There is nothing worse than being made a mistress or side chick and you don’t even know it. You meet a guy and he tells you he is single but two months later, you wake up to find yourself tagged on his wedding picture posts on Instagram; or worse, you get a call from an angry fiancée or wife threatening to pour acid on you if you don’t leave her man. Some guys would try to play smart by telling you that they may not be “technically” divorced or broken up, but they are no longer together with their wife or girlfriend/fiancée of 15 years . Please, do not feel comfortable thinking you’re about to get a good man that some other woman has let go. Run. They are taking a “break” or letting off some steam with you, 9 out of 10, they will go back to their wife or fiancée.

I wasn’t checking her out
While some Nigerian guys have perfected the art of looking covertly, there are some that just cannot hold themselves, their eyes bulge out and stay glued to any hot chick in their vicinity. A guy checking out or ogling another girl while he is with you does not necessarily mean he does not appreciate you, he thinks the other girl is prettier or he wants to dump you and go after the girl; it just means he does not respect you enough to save you the hurt or embarrassment. One time I was on a date with a guy I met in Port Harcourt, unknown to me, he had not seen a mixed girl up-close prior to that time (that just had to be the explanation). The minute one walked in, he was all but literally drooling. I had to pinch him, and as expected, he said: I wasn’t checking her out, and I was like: “so, what? Your eyes lost nerve function and remained fixed on her the minute she breached your line of vision?” He denied it and went on to claim he had not even registered the presence of the girl until I accused him. Typical.

I don’t know who she is /why she keeps calling me
This is a classic line every Nigerian player gives when he wants to avoid being caught…but do you even need to consider it? Obviously, he gave this desperate girl his number, otherwise how else would she have it… especially if it is his personal number and he is not a celebrity? Again, he most certainly did not tell her that he is in a relationship as why else would she feel so comfortable calling him at any hour of the day, even calling back when he does not pick the first time? Bottom line: He knows the girl, and this girl keeps calling him because he is leading her on! In fact, chances are he is cheating on you or attempting to cheat on you. Either way, you may want to get to the root of the matter. To cut out suspicion – which is a huge destroyer in relationships, ask him to respond to the call while with you, engaging her in a conversation while on speaker phone. Also, ask him to tell the girl he has a girlfriend he is in love with and is not interested in her. This sounds silly, but it most usually reveals the truth. If he starts with the “you don’t trust me” line, Nne, pack your load and go.

Gosh, I left my wallet
I believe this lie should be embarrassing, but it is amazing how often full-grown Nigerian men use it on girls. A guy wants to impress a girl, but he cannot afford to, so he tries to play smart by saying he left his wallet, that way the girl pays to save them the embarrassment of being tackled by the restaurant management. In my opinion, the guys that tell this lie are weak guys that do not have a vision for their lives. They love to leech on others every opportunity they get. A friend had a funny incident: A guy invited her on a date to see a movie with him at Genesis deluxe Cinema. They had agreed on a 5pm movie, and she, being prim and proper, arrived quite early, only to have the guy call by 4:50 to say he was caught in traffic. He asked her to buy the two tickets, go on to start the movie without him, and bring out his ticket for him when he arrived the venue, he would refund her. About 30 minutes past 5, the guy arrived, took the extra ticket, saw the movie, did not say a word about refund afterwards, but took her to soul lounge instead for drinks. While at the lounge, this dude ordered Buffalo wings and a cocktail (Long Island), asked her to make her order, which she did and when the waiters brought the bill, he told her “Babe, you won’t believe it, I left my wallet”. My smart friend quickly replied: “oh, I don’t have enough cash on me” and he further said: “What about your ATM card?” Very good at hiding her emotions, she just smiled and said very meekly: “oh, yeah, it’s in my car, let me go and get it”. My girl drove home.

I would never lie to you
This is the award-winning lie. Some gullible girls actually believe their boyfriends when he tells them he would never lie to them. The truth is simple: EVERYONE lies for good reasons, bad reasons and everything else in between. It is part of what makes us human. If he can lie about the food he ate or where he ate it, who that private call was from or even how old he is, then he will not hesitate to lie about huge things like getting a girl pregnant, being HIV positive, living a double life or even his parents not liking you. A serious guy would rather say: I try my best to make sure I do not lie to you.

Nigerian men -Igbo, Yoruba, Hausa, Idoma…all the tribes- seem to be united when it comes to the kind of lies they tell. Of course, not all the men in the country are perpetual liars. The ones who have a knack for lying are just greater in number, and they have made it very difficult for the ones who strive, to be honest at all times. What do you think? Have you been told any of these lies? Do you have more irritating lies to share? Let’s talk about it in the comment section.