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The Journey to ‘I Am’ with Tolu Falode: Why She Decided To Leave



TOLU FALODEShe wandered around her thoughts roaming for words trying to explain the pain she felt inside. But she could not find a language that spoke in a tone he could understand-despite the many forms and features she presented to try and make him realize-she was not the same-she could no longer hide.

She could no longer pretend this was a house that did not host lies. She could no longer smile when she felt tears dot her eyes, she could no longer laugh when a scream was hidden inside.

She had tried to play that game out of her love-because she thought those were the words that could show him she was enough. But then she realized, each time she gave a piece of herself in exchange for a pure desire, he polluted her attempts with his lies-thinking she could not see, thinking she was blind. He misunderstood the power she represented when she chose to sacrifice. He misunderstood her different shades and hues of commitment that manifested in each try. He could not read the conversations that dwelt behind her smiles. But this was mostly because he had stopped paying attention to her desperate cries. He could not see when she spoke, he could not hear when she moved, he no longer cared and that was when she knew-she needed to make a decision to move. Either stay here locked in his strange conception of unity, or trade this game for some actual certainty.

And so she debated and pondered while he wasted away in his distractions, completely oblivious of her position, failing to see what was coated in her communications-no he could no longer hear her cry, he could not even feel her smile. He failed to realize, she understood the distance that was contained in his eyes-he failed to realize, he could not hide the truth behind such desperate words that contained infected excuses hurriedly packaged in an attempt to heal her bruises.

But no, they did not serve that purpose-they only managed to purge the demonic desire she had once hosted for his features-the feelings she was once convinced were a product of an actual connection, were revealed through his distractions as being manifestations of an illusion. The mask no longer suited the picture- of future years spent together in fruition, of tiny toddlers produced in affection, of a family built on a solid foundation-she realized through his continuous clumsiness, his lack of direction, his delayed distractions that seemed to intrude on these particular conversations-that she had once believed a mask, that was not really the man behind the illusion. She had given into an idea that never existed because her heart had run ahead in elation. But when she followed the clues contained in his inattention she stumbled on an unexpected realization-it was all a distortion.

She had once thought, she had found the right person to share her conversations, her thoughts, her words and even her dreams-a companion to live her life with. That was the presentation he had deceived her with. And that is how so many get trapped in the picture-drunk on a deluded nightmare-they never wake up to face the true prescription: a dose of distance, a dash of displaced communication, an agenda to forget whatever once was because it was all a mirage of masked manifestations. But not everyone is strong enough to remedy themselves with this particular medication. It requires a purging, that must survive a heart’s confused attempts to resurrect figments of a fake connection.

Some delay the prescription, and deteriorate slowly, limping through a diseased relation-failing to understand that the remedy for direction requires a strong willed decision to move forward from this ridiculous display of defeat that was only masked through pretentious glances, maybe a once in a while genuine synergy that failed to manifest into an everyday reality.

So when she smiled, and he laughed, when their words no longer elapsed into the same waves, the same movements to show an ocean of commitment, she decided to make the decision-to face forward, to stop looking back in trying to fix what was never really had. She realized, she had fallen in love with an illusion, that had masqueraded attention with false promises of dedication, but the reality, was nothing like the picture-somehow it seemed to get lost in translation-colours that were painted in hope led to a heart filled with pain, conversations that had started in expectation, led to more tears than laughter in her domain.

And so she decided to walk away-something in her being resisted the idea of being contained strictly in a cage-used only when desired and then tossed away. No she did not fit into that picture. Something in her spirit resisted the thought of having such a nature. She did not quite know what it was-but she connected with its intuition-a murmur that grew stronger in bringing forth realizations by fighting against such restrictions; she could no longer ignore-how his words produced wounds in her thoughts-she could no longer sacrifice her identity to appease his masculinity. Her femininity refused to continue to hide behind society’s lies that seemed to have made women believe-that men always cheat, or even that relationships are just conversations layered with deceit, no-something in her rang that there was a truth that needed to be released-not suffocated in this playhouse of pretend reality.

And so she decided to leave-because a woman is not made to be used as a net of release: to frustration, and selfish inattention, and one-way conversations. She is a person, she wants to receive what she gives: somewhere she can grow and nurture and be loved in unity. Somewhere she blooms; not withers with defeat-somewhere her heart is not exposed to so many repetitive acts of deceit-a dark hole that nearly swallowed her being; draining her worth till she lost herself from within.

In summary, she decided to leave because you gave her chaos, when all she wanted was peace-actions manifested to show consistency. Acts that displayed affection in protecting a genuine connection. Women leave for many different reasons but this is one of those many in that generous shelf of diversity-a lack of appreciation, of devaluation contained in consistent distractions.

In one sentence it is this: she finally chose herself, over your selfish needs.

Watch – Healing from Hurt

Tolu Falode is a Relationship Counselor with over 6 years experience counseling couples and singles on having an amazing marriage. She shares dating tips on Instagram: @fantheflame and YouTube: Tolu Falode. Email: [email protected]


  1. Dok

    March 6, 2016 at 8:27 am

    ‘Acts that display wanting to protect a genuine connection ‘…absolutely soul wrenchingly beautiful. This is an amazing piece…a piece that i will print and a save … a piece that has changed my life forever. Thank you.

    • Tolu Falode

      March 8, 2016 at 7:22 am

      Thanks so much! I’m glad you connected with it!

  2. toun

    March 6, 2016 at 12:06 pm

    What you wrote is valid and many married women go through it. The best thing for a woman to do to counter some/most of the disappointment that shows up in marriage so times is: 1. Stay busy. The man himself go fear. Preferably busy on something profitable, like a good job or business. 2. Spend time with your friends and pursuing your hobbies that don’t have to include him. 3. Worship. God is real. Some of us women are not perfect either. The holy spirit helps us improve ourselves. And sometimes when men see a change, they chill with all the low key revenge and the man steak. May God bless us all. Happy mother’s day.

  3. xxx

    March 6, 2016 at 4:55 pm

    Could Toyin falode ‘s article be moved to during the week . That way I think it can get more comments we can read from. She obviously does lots of thinking before writing . I really enjoyed this and just motivates me to treat whoever i end up with well. i wanna pamper my wife and make her happy.
    in btw where is esco?

  4. Tincan

    March 6, 2016 at 11:56 pm

    Well done and thanks for the vid Tolu. Didn’t read the article but lovely vid. Can I just say you have a beautiful spirit and a very unique gift? God bless you as you yield to Him.

    • Tolu Falode

      March 11, 2016 at 1:17 am

      Thank you so much for this comment: I appreciate the support-Amen! God Bless you too.

  5. Author Unknown

    March 7, 2016 at 12:01 am

    One thing we fail to realise is that we only live once. Clichéd as this might sound, it resonates in all that we do. Life is about living fulfilled, whatever that means to the individual. Given societal expectations and teachings, I can’t help but wonder how many in our society live through life by settling.

    In healing from hurt, whatever the nature of the hurt, one major obstacle to cutting off all communication to me would be mutual connections with the source of the hurt. Is it fair to cut them off? Oftentimes, mutual connections are also left confused as to how to react. Do we try to help, and salvage the situation, as concerned riends would, or do we simply stand by and watch?

    • Tolu Falode

      March 8, 2016 at 7:35 am

      Thanks for this comment and to answer your question: I believe firstly, you need to severe all ties to your ex-like I said in my video-it will be necessary for your own emotional health. Secondly, with regards to mutual connections-they tend to sort themselves out-if its a mutual friend of both yourself and your ex you can maintain contact as long as we are not talking about family members because I believe once you leave your ex-you leave his/her family as well. Its a package deal. But mutual friends should show their respect towards your decision through their actions. If this mutual friend begins meddling, draw your distance-don’t let them infect your healing through their meddling.

  6. Tosin

    March 7, 2016 at 8:21 am

    na wa o, very different.

  7. oludara.ogunbowale

    March 7, 2016 at 6:47 pm

    Very Excellent write up sweetie.You know how to use words to convey your thoughts…ah ah ah u r too fly. weldone. .hmmm my sister..I can relate..I was in that kind of relationship up until June last year when I said…Enough…After all my research,I found out one thing..these kind of people are called NARCISSISTS. They go on to the next and next big thing and when they are with you,they treat you like the queen during your first year and later show the real person they are.. Its like a high for them and its a bad place to be….Hell and back..For women out there…you deserve better really better…Find your self and be free…The real man would definitely find U. Mutual connections are cool but don’t drag them into it.. U will be tempted to,trust me…U d be glad U dint when you finally heal..Your ex could have been a bridge to knowing them and they might be the real connection you need…All is well

    • Tolu Falode

      March 8, 2016 at 7:25 am

      Lol thanks for your comment! I appreciate it immensely! And yeah I 100% agree with the Narcissistic comment you made-your analysis is apt! Its a shame really-I hope women learn to leave when this happens and stay gone for their own good

  8. Dsquared

    March 15, 2016 at 2:37 pm

    Excellent read. I was literally clapping and doing a thumbs up infront of my office PC.

    Gosh! we haven’t met b4, but it just seemed like i told you a story about my past . I felt like i was reading my own story!…. every sentence, word . I left a relationship that became toxic to me, i felt like i was loosing my mind at some point, and even when the red flags became too obvious, i spoke my mind but the HE! would act like i was the crazy one, i talked about it but he never listened. We were engaged and almost got married..During Wedding Prep, the red flags like what you’ve written above became too obvious. i had to just let go with FULL SPEED without looking back. I didn’t need to explain why i did cos i already did when i was with him in different ways. I just arranged my self and said this was not the WAY.. I cut all ties with him, his family, friends and everyone within, cos alot of them love to meddle.
    Today i’m glad that i left all that chaos, because i know someone GREATer and better will come around the corner.
    Every now and then he tries to reach out, has asked for forgiveness, although he indirectly acts like he had no clue why i acted the way i did. I hope he finds this article, so he can easily see what it felt like.

    • Tolu Falode

      March 26, 2016 at 2:11 am

      Thank you so much for this comment! I congratulate you on having the courage to walk away even after the engagement-its not worth the sacrifice of your happiness and I’m so happy you realized that-and someone greater is coming! Its good to cut all ties-to make room for your blessing! God Bless!

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