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Ugochi V. Ukah: Connection Versus Chemistry



dreamstime_s_49583391Scenario one
Have you ever met someone and you felt an instant connection? What I mean is both of you can talk for hours because you have a lot in common. Maybe you have similar upbringing, education, family background, same likes and dislikes; even your favourite colours match and your traditional values are alike? Sometimes the connection is so strong, stronger than most telecommunication network connections, that it is hard to explain why. Even some of the conversations between you two seem like déjà vu that it feels like you two might have met in a previous life because you can easily complete each other’s sentences. Based on this connection, you continue to have conversations with each other and build up expectations regarding the next step. And then, the time for the next move arrives – where both of you assume that the connection is enough to begin a relationship. So one night after a chick flick movie to set the mood, somebody makes the bold move to kiss the other person and that is the point where everything turns around.

The butterflies that you had imagined would fly inside your guts or the knees that you thought would wobble or the heart that you had hoped would beat right out of your chest, never happened, to your uttermost disappointment! The feeling is mutual for the other and there comes an awkward moment in between the kiss, where both of you are unsure whether to continue the kiss and pretend to enjoy it or stop abruptly. You might even open one of your eyes to check if the other person is into it and then quickly shut it back when you feel that the kiss is about to end.

Yup! That is the day that you realise that there is no chemistry between the two of you, despite your strong connection. Sometimes, you may try to force it or give chemistry some time to develop because of the friendship already formed between you but the harder you try, the worse it becomes. And instead of chemical reactions occurring in your body, you begin to experience more components of physics such as friction. If one is not careful at this point, everything might fall apart and even the good conversations and great friendship might come to an end.

Scenario Two
Have you ever met someone that makes you begin to believe that you must have been starved physically all your life? He or she does not to need to speak; just an eye contact is enough to make you shiver and a touch will make your clothes peel off your body by themselves? The chemistry between you two is magical; in fact the feeling is a mixture of biology and chemistry (biochemistry) such that you feel like you could have easily starred in the notebook movie as well. No matter how many times you tell yourself that you will behave better the next time you see him or her, the excitement gets even worse every time such that you begin to wonder if it is jazz (juju) from your village. Your celibacy gradually disappears. Your traditional values become non-existent, and your self-made promises slowly become history each time you lock eyes.

But after a moment of desire has been satisfied, it is almost like you had slept with a total stranger because you have nothing to talk about. And if you tried to make conversations, the topics are so disjoint that you would rather be quiet. You have absolutely nothing in common such that if somebody were to listen to your conversations individually, it would seem as if you both were talking to different people at the other end. And so, you start another round of making out or when you are too tired, you begin to count the ceiling boards and notice the cobwebs around the room. You had never expected such lack of connectivity with a fellow human and so you try harder because you believe all humans must have some similarities. Alas, the lack of connection is so bad that talking to a dog might even seem easier to you sometimes. Your situation is just as awkward and disappointing as scenario 1. You begin to hope desperately that both of you would get used to each other and develop some form of connection. However, this may never happen and at some point, you start to wonder if the chemistry is enough to keep you together despite the lack of connection.

In a situation where you have both the connection and the chemistry, the decision is usually easier and mostly likely, both of you will start a real relationship, depending on other environmental factors. But what do you do when you find yourself in the first scenario – strong connection with no chemistry? Is that when you ‘friend or brother/sister-zone’ the other person? Or you are caught in the second scenario of strong chemistry with no connection, is that where you label yourselves as ‘friends with benefits’?

If you found yourself in either scenario, would you just stay in it hoping continuously that something would change, would you compromise, or would you walk away before everything goes downhill?
This is me just thinking out loud (by the way, congrats to Ed Sheeran on his Grammy; one of my favourite songs).

Please share your own thoughts on what you would do if stuck in any of these scenarios.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Ugochi V Ukah is a student and loves writing in her spare time; using sarcasm, humour and wit to relay her thoughts. Visit her blog for more stories at: and follow her on twitter @vivio_gogo and IG: @ugochiukah


  1. naya

    March 2, 2016 at 3:53 pm

    experienced the first scenario before, had to end d chemistry part immediately, now we are just good friends. I feel there has to be connection and chemistry at least if not equal, maybe like 80-20% otherwise one wont be very happy and it is usually better for d connection to be really strong .
    Btw congrats to ed sheeran too, his music gives me life

  2. sammiewolf

    March 2, 2016 at 3:54 pm

    number one 000, except that in my own case, the next move was taken slowly, and the connection sef dissipated slowly.

  3. Dinma Caruso

    March 2, 2016 at 3:58 pm

    Been in both situations. Finally, I find the combination of both, and he turns out separated, with kids. Life sucks

    • Me

      March 2, 2016 at 5:02 pm

      Same here oh, for me it’s always either scenario 1 or 2. Thanks writer for this piece at least I now feel a bit normal…….hopefully we’d one day meet someone who we’re able to have both connection and ‘biochemistry’ with lool… Then we’d know that person is the ONE. Can I get an Amen somebody

    • deola

      March 2, 2016 at 5:18 pm

      i am a little curious to know more about the so called “separated with kids”……hope its not one idiot that left his family in lagos and move to Abuja in other to enjoy freedom to run after girls…….please be careful. if he claims he is separated from one…….he has the potential of separating from you also.

  4. Asher

    March 2, 2016 at 5:27 pm

    See ehn, this weather is too hot for me to type my own tori. So I’m just going to buy chilled Fanyogo now and enjoy the comments that follow

  5. Exotique

    March 2, 2016 at 6:12 pm

    I have been in both. Scenario 1. The guy asked me out several times but I honestly couldn’t even imagine us sharing a kiss. Scenario 2 showed up in form of an older man. Mad chemistry but I knew from day 1 that we could never be serious cos we were as different as Night and Day. In both cases, I did not try to hope for what didn’t exist. Just told myself the truth and moved on

  6. The gloater

    March 2, 2016 at 6:34 pm

    This part of the write up is my story “Have you ever met someone that makes you begin to believe that you must have been starved physically all your life? He or she does not to need to speak; just an eye contact is enough to make you shiver and a touch will make your clothes peel off your body by themselves? The chemistry between you two is magical; in fact the feeling is a mixture of biology and chemistry (biochemistry)…you begin to wonder if it is jazz (juju) from your village. Your celibacy gradually disappears. Your traditional values become non-existent, and your self-made promises slowly become history each time you lock eyes.”

    I met this dude and yea, after 12 months of not even being prezzed not to talk of the real deal,, forming prude and upright no sex again till marriage, my body started doing gish gish for the guy, chemistry was just too strong and i swear the clothes just came off themselves!

    But good part was we had a connectionnalso and he turned out to be a sweet person I hope to spend a very very long time with, Ok bye

  7. Ms Rere

    March 2, 2016 at 6:36 pm

    My 1st relationship was like that. It was a whole new experience for me and I thought cos there was chemistry, then automatically the connection would follow. But alas, it didn’t. Kissing him was torture, it was nothing like I had expected. In fact, it was friction. He had these dry lips that felt like a terrazzo wall. When I could not pretend anymore, I called it quits without telling him all this oo. abeg .
    However, my current boo is all I ever wanted. The chemistry is on a different level and don’t even get me started on the connection (physical, spiritual, emotional, mental, all the -als). His kisses just makes me melt and his cuddles are on point. He gives the best hugs and knows how to make me feel special. We can spend the whole day in a room and never get bored. We click on all levels and share the same interests. We never run out of topics and never run out of kisses. And he’s quite a dist to look at. I think I hit the jackpot.

  8. I had a dream

    March 3, 2016 at 12:16 am

    Connection and chemistry like shahrukh and kajol….
    If wishes were horses….

    • Anu

      March 3, 2016 at 4:59 am

      lmao you gorrit but please don’t let their spouses, Gauri and Ajay get you o. Their own connection ends on screen… Sigh I wish they could be together though hahaha

  9. alwayshappy

    March 3, 2016 at 2:27 am

    Who all this wishing business don epp.

  10. audiee

    March 3, 2016 at 7:10 am

    Well as for me I think u need both chemistry and connection, some people have either of them and forces the other sometimes it works for them sometimes not. If u have one , u can try to force the other for a short while ,if it doesn’t work just walk out,that’s if you can?letting go is horrible

  11. Eny

    March 3, 2016 at 9:27 am

    I’ve recently found myself in scenario 1. The connection is so amazing i sometimes wonder if a day will ever come when we will have nothing to talk about. However, the chemistry is yet to be tested. The tension is there o, but i can really decide which of us is trying to take it slow. And immediate family on both sides already know about the other party. I really hope that when chemistry decides to happen…

  12. eneres

    March 3, 2016 at 10:18 am

    the second scenario has happened to me…but I knew it wasn’t going anywhere

  13. Ever Green

    March 3, 2016 at 2:35 pm

    I really like your topic, as for me I met him years ago when we were younger the chemistry was great but it did not work out but we became good friends, last year we saw each other again after so many years apart, we decided to give it a try this time around but the chemistry was not like before but we are good for each other and let’s say we are more mature, we can talk for hours without been bored with each other, when it is time for me to go home he looks for excuses to make me stay and I won’t lie I love it when he looks at me lovingly I can’t win a beauty pageant nor am I ugly but he makes me feel well loved, his folks don’t get what he sees in me cause in their opinion I am not fine but I can assure you he makes me feel beautiful, the chemistry may not be like before but I am connected to him and for the 1st time in my life as regards relationship I know he is my home and where I want to be for the rest of my life and I just have this inner conviction , early this year I was thinking I should leave him because of his parent but he keeps encouraging and telling me we should keep on praying for divine intervention and my sister advise me that I should relax and trust God for the heart of the king is in care of God and now we are just trusting God to perfect it and turn our challenges to strength and give us reason to smile, Just wish me luck ojare.

  14. romanticefiko

    March 6, 2016 at 5:19 am

    I was in a r/ship for 4yrs with the connection @ 50% and Chemistry @ 95%.

    We were intellectually incompatible and in retrospect, had really disimilar moral and traditional values.

    But the “chemistry” was sooooo good that I overlooked the former, much to my detriment.

    However, I kept pushing change – trying to coach her to change some of her views and values to meet mine(because I adjusted mine whenever she complained).

    All my efforts hit a brickwall because that’s not just who she is. Very frustrating, really!

    I then resorted to enjoying the “chemistry” till she did something even I couldn’t stomach, and that eventually ended the r/ship.

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