Warning: This is a satire filled with self-mockery.
I am one of those born without eyebrows and eyelashes. Ok…Maybe I am exaggerating a bit. But my eyebrows and lashes grow so thin and so sparsely that they look virtually nonexistent. I have used castor oil and even virgin hair fertilizer. I do not pluck or tweeze them. Yet, they have refused to grow. If you have any other remedy, please please help a sister.
So, you can imagine, I look exactly like a plucked chicken without makeup. I had a huge inferiority complex about my makeup free face. All through my dating years, I would never wash my face at a boyfriend’s house and I never ever stayed over. Yes, I was very superficial and vain in those days.
When I was 22, I began to date someone who was a bit older, was working and had his own apartment and I knew I would not be able to get away with my usual shenanigans. I knew I would have to sleep over some days. I didn’t mind him seeing me without full makeup. But I was not about to let him see the plucked chicken face… a.k.a the eyebrow less face.
This happened a long time ago, before the days of the setting spray. I had to ensure he did not see the plucked chicken. Taking the makeup bag into the bathroom when you are supposed to be taking a bath, would have been too obvious. I wanted him to believe I was beautiful au naturel.
I bet some of us on social medial have seen the video of a lady who stayed over and just before her man woke up, she leaned out of the bed and her people got her face all prepped up so that by the time her man woke up, it would be like she woke up beautiful. OOO the struggle some of us have to go through.
Allow me to mention once again, how vain and superficial I was at 22. So, after thinking long and hard in my vain 22 year old mind, I decided to hide my brow pencil in the toilet tank. I wrapped it up in 3 Ziploc bags and wedged it in the toilet tank to ensure minimal water would get to it. I figured he wouldn’t ever need to look into the toilet tank. So, after taking a bath or washing my face, I would double check that the door was locked, then I would lightly apply the brow pencil over my sparse nonexistent eyebrows to make them look natural, rub a towel vigorously on my lips to give the appearance of full pink lips and then come out of the bathroom looking all gorgeous. I knew how to sleep without ruining my eyebrows so there was no chance of him catching me when I wake up.
This continued for about a year. Then one morning, I looked into the toilet tank and the brow pencil had disappeared. I couldn’t ask him for it. With which mouth? After staying a little too long in the bathroom, I decided to hell with it and I cracked open the door and peeped out. He was watching TV in the bedroom and I felt that if I was really quiet, he wouldn’t turn around to look at me.
Of course he turned around. He looked at me for a long time. I just “boned” my face like whatever. Then he began to laugh. He got up and gave me a hug and then he fished out the brow pencil. I literally wanted to just die of shame. He told me he knew all along. He didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to embarrass me. To him, it wasn’t a big deal. Most girls have eyebrows, only to shave them off and fill them in again. I was born with a blank slate. And he had enough eyebrows and eyelashes for the both of us.
I just had to marry him.
If you have any makeup or boyfriend confessions, please comment below. I had a friend who called me to talk her through the steps of making oatmeal for her fiancé. She had no clue.
Photo Credit: Foto.com.ng