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Fanya South: Life without Natural Eyebrows! Read the Confessions of a Plucked Chicken

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jobLet me begin this article by giving a shout out to whoever invented makeup. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Warning: This is a satire filled with self-mockery.

I am one of those born without eyebrows and eyelashes. Ok…Maybe I am exaggerating a bit. But my eyebrows and lashes grow so thin and so sparsely that they look virtually nonexistent. I have used castor oil and even virgin hair fertilizer. I do not pluck or tweeze them. Yet, they have refused to grow. If you have any other remedy, please please help a sister.

So, you can imagine, I look exactly like a plucked chicken without makeup. I had a huge inferiority complex about my makeup free face. All through my dating years, I would never wash my face at a boyfriend’s house and I never ever stayed over. Yes, I was very superficial and vain in those days.

When I was 22, I began to date someone who was a bit older, was working and had his own apartment and I knew I would not be able to get away with my usual shenanigans. I knew I would have to sleep over some days. I didn’t mind him seeing me without full makeup. But I was not about to let him see the plucked chicken face… a.k.a the eyebrow less face.

This happened a long time ago, before the days of the setting spray. I had to ensure he did not see the plucked chicken. Taking the makeup bag into the bathroom when you are supposed to be taking a bath, would have been too obvious. I wanted him to believe I was beautiful au naturel.

I bet some of us on social medial have seen the video of a lady who stayed over and just before her man woke up, she leaned out of the bed and her people got her face all prepped up so that by the time her man woke up, it would be like she woke up beautiful. OOO the struggle some of us have to go through.

Allow me to mention once again, how vain and superficial I was at 22. So, after thinking long and hard in my vain 22 year old mind, I decided to hide my brow pencil in the toilet tank. I wrapped it up in 3 Ziploc bags and wedged it in the toilet tank to ensure minimal water would get to it. I figured he wouldn’t ever need to look into the toilet tank. So, after taking a bath or washing my face, I would double check that the door was locked, then I would lightly apply the brow pencil over my sparse nonexistent eyebrows to make them look natural, rub a towel vigorously on my lips to give the appearance of full pink lips and then come out of the bathroom looking all gorgeous. I knew how to sleep without ruining my eyebrows so there was no chance of him catching me  when I wake up.

This continued for about a year. Then one morning, I looked into the toilet tank and the brow pencil had disappeared. I couldn’t ask him for it. With which mouth? After staying a little too long in the bathroom, I decided to hell with it and I cracked open the door and peeped out. He was watching TV in the bedroom and I felt that if I was really quiet, he wouldn’t turn around to look at me.

Of course he turned around. He looked at me for a long time. I just “boned” my face like whatever. Then he began to laugh. He got up and gave me a hug and then he fished out the brow pencil. I literally wanted to just die of shame. He told me he knew all along. He didn’t say anything because he didn’t want to embarrass me. To him, it wasn’t a big deal. Most girls have eyebrows, only to shave them off and fill them in again. I was born with a blank slate. And he had enough eyebrows and eyelashes for the both of us.

I just had to marry him.

If you have any makeup or boyfriend confessions, please comment below. I had a friend who called me to talk her through the steps of making oatmeal for her fiancé. She had no clue.

Photo Credit: Foto.com.ng

Fanya South is a working mom who has always had a love for writing. My guilty pleasures are dance hall music and cake. I am finally designing my own website/blog, so look out for that.

34 Comments

  1. dee

    April 12, 2016 at 2:21 pm

    OMG!!!!!! Can’t stop laughing.

  2. Ada

    April 12, 2016 at 2:29 pm

    Same here sista!!! It makes me angry sometimes because I see some girls who I KNOW would be hideous without brows beating me down because mine are sparse. Once I went to work without my ‘perfectly’ painted on brows and I nearly had a heart attack when I found out. Luckily I get to work when most normal human beings are either in bed or just leaving their houses so I was able to do the needful with my handy spare tire. You are really lucky to find a guy that doesn’t care.
    I’ve tried all sorts too but the only thing that really worked was applying pure argan oil on the brows morning and night.

    P.S. This is my first comment on BN because I’m sooooo happy I’m not alone in this! 😀 😀

    • Morolake

      April 13, 2016 at 9:59 am

      Have you tried using wild hair grow? I hear it works. Some people have testified. Check Casabella/HealthPlus. Lets know if it works. xxx

  3. Las

    April 12, 2016 at 2:30 pm

    You married a man who hid your eye pencil…hmmm…later you will come with stories that touch… Next time he will carry your concealer. Just be careful.

    • Hint

      April 12, 2016 at 3:01 pm

      ?????????. I still have that smile on my face. @Las it’s not that serious jo.

    • Las

      April 12, 2016 at 4:55 pm

      😀

  4. Spunky

    April 12, 2016 at 2:33 pm

    I don laugh tire today on top Bella…I mean her blog Ooo. Seriously, most guys won’t even care about your eyebrows, blushed cheeks, pink lips and all that. We only get to notice
    them when your insecurity draws our attention in that direction. Have a beautiful soul, listen when we share our experience and yes, fuck our brains off…we are sold!

    • folaji

      April 13, 2016 at 7:15 am

      abeg tell them! Lol

    • folaji

      April 13, 2016 at 7:26 am

      i dont know the day our ladies will learn that men are not really fans of makeup! except they start making edible makeup, that can be licked off their faces 🙂

  5. Complex

    April 12, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    Listen girls, guys dont really care about those things
    Stop worrying yourself!

    I know many that wont even take a walk without applying make up. Why trying to please the man? If he cant like you the way you are, are you going to be using make up all the days of your life?

    That reminds me of Rasheed that took Rashida, his wife to the court that she deceived him all along. She paraded herself to be full breasted only to realize that her boobs were like agbalumo (cherry) and asked for a divorce

    Stop that thing!

  6. ijedimma

    April 12, 2016 at 3:05 pm

    Thats called true love, but the guy shaa get time ooooo to even notice the pencil addiction. some guys are just Omni knoweth abeg

  7. Catherine

    April 12, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    Hahahaha, that was a great read!!!
    Mine had to do with my belle not makeup. Anytime I had to undress in front of my boyfriend during ‘shenanigans’ I would suck my belle in to look sexy hahaha. It was so hard trying to come off as sexy in addition to enjoying the moment. After a while I just embraced my imperfections and enjoyed myself. Abeg these guys are not as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

    Loved this piece to bits; well done.

  8. www.thelmathinks.com

    April 12, 2016 at 3:37 pm

    Awwww. This is the cutest story ever.

    *Now smiling at my reflection in the mirror, one more thing not to take for granted*.

  9. mhiz sunshine

    April 12, 2016 at 3:43 pm

    And me with full brows will be tweezing mine on a daily basis to make it smaller…..this life though

  10. Mgbeke

    April 12, 2016 at 3:45 pm

    I grew up in a poor home, so we didn’t have microwave or all that fancy stuff growing up, we had to make do with books in place of TV and “swell” in place of barbies. anyways, I grew up and had to cover my ignorance by calling my sophisticated girlfriends whenever I was in a fix, discretely of course. Till one day, one evil boyfriend of mine asked me to microwave rice amongst other daunting tasks. I quickly dashed into the bathroom to call my trusted girlfriend,
    Me : Babe abeg how dem dey take microwave something
    Babe: Press the door, open am pour, the food for plate, put am back, on am, set timer, e go work.
    I opened the microwave, hmmm, step 1, done. I took the glass plate in the microwave (the one that comes with with, the one you are supposed to place your plate of food on) and poured the rice directly on top of it, set the timer and was feeling accomplished.
    The evil boyfriend came out to check on me, opened the microwave and his eyes bulged. he asked incredulously: ” you put the rice here???? ” I couldn’t understand the reason for his surprise for rice wey don hot finish. anyway, he sha ate the rice with the horrible attempt at fresh fish peppersoup I made that day (story for another day). Something we no carry eye see for small, how I for take know say dem dey wash fresh fish with hot water before preparation? it was later in life when I bought my microwave that I realized how much I goofed that day, but I thank God sha, because when I look at how far I have come, I can only say thank you Lord.
    shout out to my darling hubby who taught this local geah(that could only cook rice, tomato soup and soups) how to make fried rice, curried chicken, sharwarma, freshfish peppersoup, I am amazed at what I know now, thank you my love for talking me through my first flight and teaching me how to strap on my seatbelt in the plane. We sha have many more things to discover together.
    Sidenote: wetin babes dey use makeup and distressed jeans cover ehn! a lot of us cannot take u to where we grew up oooo. Most of us na packaging ooo. abeg make una no embarrass us when una find out. we go dey learn on the job.

    • Ajala & foodie

      April 12, 2016 at 6:15 pm

      @Mgbeke, trust me your point and kill no be only you. I cannot even use excuse of being from a humble background. I just never had the opportunity to cook so much growing up. My mum would rather bake and pay people to do our cooking. The only time I saw any fish it had gone through the entire process. Imagine, me boiling fish like meat before frying it. Baptism by oil from having to use frying pan nko? Lawd, I could not light matches sef to light gas. Up until that moment it was electric for me. All I could cook was ogbona soup (I hope I spelled that right) and that was because that was the only soup I loved growing up. My stew was awful. I did not know how to cook rice on a stove stop. So imagine when I got married and no rice cooker. Hubby had to teach me how to use a stove top to boil rice. My cooking game is on point now but I had to learn on my own, thank goodness for food blogs that have helped. I will also be lying if I said I have not fallen back on my use of gadgets but at least I can cook. Now, I even make my own recipes but hubby was patient and always told me he loved me and chose me not for my cooking skills but for myself My point is although I grew up with the conveniences of technology, it was still the very thing that brought me discomfort after marriage.

    • Ajala & foodie

      April 12, 2016 at 6:18 pm

      ***I even come up with my own recipes***. My point being…….

  11. whocares

    April 12, 2016 at 3:55 pm

    LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I am slightly in love with you. I have done away with insecurity (well unless someone pulls my cheek) I will roll up with hairy legs (you know the struggle before you wax that the hair has to be slightly hairy or there is no point- and you cant shave as that defeats the purpose of waxing) what is a pulzon to do? At first I used to wear tights etc, but tights in summer? Won bi iya won da (dem no born their mother? ) especially when you are indoors. So the first time I tried it, I just “boned” face too as if its an every day occurrence to have hairy legs and to be flaunting them. I have never looked back since then because one way or the other, ko da se duro (it does not stop work). The funny thing was, there was no mention of it- no extraordinary shock that “ye! you have hairy legs or whatever it is you would expect in that situation: not even a teasing remark…but then again, this is a guy that likes to talk to me about the color of his poo and the consistency *sigh*. No word of a lie, but I have received a “guess where I am texting you from” message and “it is free flowing like a chocolate fountain” (please, who needs that imagery in their life?)

  12. Jojononz

    April 12, 2016 at 3:56 pm

    Mine is my k-leg………..am grateful I have legs and can walk. Thank you God .

  13. myql

    April 12, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    the story is hilarious but there may be deeper medical complexities relating to this. I’m no authority on the subject but there is a condition called ALOPECIA. u might wanna read it up to shed more light and help people with the condition have a voice.

  14. o

    April 12, 2016 at 5:52 pm

    Buhahahahaha….too funny! The struggle to look good is real mehn…

  15. My insecurity

    April 12, 2016 at 6:08 pm

    Hmmm………..

  16. My insecurity

    April 12, 2016 at 6:10 pm

    Hmmm……….I have numerous insecurities o but the ones that really bother me are my big navel and feet. Sometime ago, I went swimming with my friend and her little boy. After a while, her son asked why Aunty’s ‘idodo’ is so big. Shame catch me ehn, my friend was now trying to scold him. I just laughed it off and told her to leave the boy alone jare.

    As for my feet, I have Brachymetatarsia which is a condition in which my fourth toe is abnormally shorter than my fifth toe. I have the condition on both feet. My feet are extremely ugly, even I know this. My fourth toes are not only shorter but they also point upwards. Because of this, I don’t wear exposing footwear like slippers or sandals. I get numerous ugly stares from people if I do. I am always wearing sneakers, ballerinas and covered shoes.

    This condition has really dampened my self-confidence. I am currently in a 2 year on/off long distance relationship but I still haven’t revealed it to my boyfriend during the times that we’ve spent together. I am always wearing bedroom slippers and socks (I lie that my feet is cold) or I turn off the light. I am really afraid of his reaction when he finds out and I don’t even know how to reveal it to him because it gets harder as time progresses. My mum already warned me that I should have let him know from the very beginning. Wetin I go do now?

    I hope to correct this condition in the nearest future but the journey to getting it corrected is very long and painful. It takes a long time for the bone to grow after surgery and I will have to use crutches or a wheelchair for at least 6 months or a year depending on how long the toe lengthening takes and heals. This has discouraged me from getting it corrected because of so many other things that I am currently occupied with.

    Apart from the embarrassment of having this condition and the unsightly appearance, I really want to correct it because of the difficulty I have with getting fitting shoes. My feet are wide, that alone is a problem with finding shoes. Now, wide feet plus Brachymetatarsia is no bueno. I remember when I was younger, my mum and I will comb through Idumota market looking for comfy shoes for me. The comfy ones we find are usually ugly while the beautiful ones that I like are not comfortable. Honestly, I am thinking of starting my own shoe company. I think I should really start it for real because I am sure that I am not the only one with the same problem. I love shoes but I only have a few.

    Another reason why I want it corrected is that the condition causes foot pain after a long walk. From my research, during walking, the body weight is normally transferred from the fifth toe to the fourth, then to the third, until it reaches the big toe. This is possible because the toes are gradually longer. As weight is transferred, the next longest toe bears the weight and transfers it to the next. However, brachymetatarsia obstructs this process because the fourth toe is shorter than the fifth so the fourth toe doesn’t bear the weight and cannot transfer it to the third etc. and this causes discomfort.

    When I see ladies in slippers and beautiful sandals, I get really jealous and wish I could also do the same. Once, I summoned the courage and wore an open sandal. I got weird stares from kids, adults, everyone. Even my uncle told me to never go out with uncovered feet again. Ever since then, no matter how hot it is, I always wear covered shoes in public.

    When I was younger, I used to get bullied a lot because of my feet. My mum used to tell me to not bother but rather I should thank God for giving me the gift of mobility. She was never bothered about my condition and she is not even encouraging me to correct it but the foot pain is getting unbearable.

    I am sorry for the long epistle o. Chai! see what Fanya South has caused.

    • Las

      April 12, 2016 at 6:44 pm

      Kpele my dear. But come o, you strike me as one of those ladies who will catch a man so crazy about you that he will insist you wear sandals every where because he finds your feet beautiful! That’s how you’ll know he’s the one. Just one word of advice – hide your eye pencil.

    • I just waka come...

      April 12, 2016 at 9:12 pm

      I completely forgot what I wanted to write after reading your comment, not because it was ugly, no, it actually made me smile.

      No 1. I love love love the love of a mother, unbelievably pure and strong.

      No2. You will be surprised that aside from a curious look from your boyfriend when you finally reveal to him, the only comment will be “erm so will you still make xyz for dinner, please??

      If you still consider surgery, do it for you.
      For nobody else but you.

      Cheers.

  17. Ajala & foodie

    April 12, 2016 at 6:52 pm

    @ My insecurity, I really hope you are able to correct this soon. I cannot pretend to understand because you made my insecurities sound frivolous in comparison to yours. Mine are all fixable without any major physical intervention. So I pray you get the help you need soon. As for your mum, she loves you so yes in her eyes you are amazing just the way you are (gosh now i am sounding like a record).
    @who cares, I had to start shaving, hubby noticed and notices, once the landscape starts changing he will start bugging me. At one point he did all my waxing for me because I was complaining about the cost of constantly waxing, and since I started swimming twice a week. I realized it is just easier to shave.
    My insecurities are my belly and my “hairyness”. My weight has been and will always be an issue and since I tend to carry most of it around my mid section it does not make for a pretty sight. Healthy conditions don’t help either, (PCOS), same goes for the hair situation,considering going the laser route but the fear of the pain involved they catch me, wish they could put me out for it. Nevertheless, we all, including our men have insecurities,that’s what makes us human.

  18. funmilola

    April 12, 2016 at 9:03 pm

    insecuritiesssss!, i’ve had my share of them o.you know how atoke described we short girls as ” vertically challenged” ba but we rock jare and my toasters are mostly tall.
    I can say like David that “I’m wonderfully and fearfully made “

  19. Osaretin

    April 12, 2016 at 10:04 pm

    I’m grateful for my natural eyebrows and eyelashes.

  20. chi

    April 12, 2016 at 10:30 pm

    Nice one. I ve same eyebrow wahala oooo. U re so lucky wit ur man BT we nid to do sumtin abt it. Pls, wat grows eyebrow. Help a sis

  21. I just waka come..

    April 13, 2016 at 10:56 am

    Before you try surgery, try acupuncture.

  22. chill pill

    April 13, 2016 at 12:09 pm

    nice write up, i was like, u have just said it girl!!! My insecurity, i understand ur fears cus i suffer from something which is not too different. i got my feet from my mother’s side of the family, size 40, long and slim toes, BUT my second toe lies on my biggest toe, both legs!!!

    back in secondary school, i would never wear sandals or slippers for fear of people seeing my toes, so embarrasing. once, i went to buy shoes and the guy was like: “why are your toes like dat?” and i was like :”wats ur business wit d toes sef, are selling shoes or toes?

    Inshort, with time and age, i leaned to overcome that complex, i wear watever i want and like now, even if the toes misbehave, i have learned not to care about that anymore, even forget they are that way sometimes.

    The troubles are many oh, i have just grown to hate my boobs, lost my baby fat, now d boobs are sagging and am like, i cannot even wear a braless dress because d nipples are greeting my navel. once a bf made this comment: ‘wit the stretch marks u have on ur boobs now, i wonder how they will be wen u start breastfeeding”. i have never forgotten that comment, everytime i have to undress, am like i have to hide my stretch marks. kills me.

    The long and short of it is that, we need to love our bodies for ourselves first, if u do not love yourself, someone else won’t. feel sexy in and out, cause they are others in worse conditions. No bi dem say beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder? i behold myself sha.

    Cheers to all beautiful ladies reading this post.

  23. That girl down town

    April 13, 2016 at 2:56 pm

    I equally do have insecurities with my breast, while growing up my bra size was very hard to find because I had big boobs to small waist line, it was also really expensive compare to how cheap my sister’s bought theirs. I’m married now and is still trying to overcome my fears with my husband

  24. Koffie

    April 14, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    If I describe my biggest insecurity, my friends who read this blog will be able to decipher Koffie but since this post is no longer trending, I’ll take my chances. I have one ‘stained’ tooth that was caused by some antibiotics I was given as a toddler for a certain ailment. Of course my mother didn’t notice until I shed the milk tooth in that spot and the permanent tooth came out stained. I had gone to my dentist in Nigeria here to see if there was anything I could do about it and he did an xray (normal checkup) and said I had bigger problems than the stain that was purely cosmetic. Apparently I had fall down the stairs as a child and my jaw had been injured, the nurse tended external injuries but no one noticed it had affected the left side of my mouth. So my teeth around there grew out of pattern. Even I as an adult hadn’t noticed that, the only indication was that I couldn’t chew with that side of my teeth and that wasn’t a big deal. So the dentist recommended that I have corrective surgery for my teeth but was kind enough to advice that I wait till I can afford to get it done in the UK/US where their dentists have done similar procedures numerous times. I sha still left his office with the stained tooth (it was my biggest concern as I couldn’t laugh in pictures or at all without covering my mouth). The haphazard arrangement of the molars I can deal with but the stained tooth shows when I talk or laugh. I’m a talker and the stain won’t take that from me but it wasn’t until recently (last year) that I started to laugh openly without a care. Imagine all the years I deprived myself of laughing for fear that people would ask why that particular tooth is stained.
    My mum worries that boyfriends will have a problem with it and has an account where she saves towards my surgery. I’ve not dated any man who had issues with it sha but as far as she’s concerned, I’m not married yet so my point is moot. I think she feels guilty for having given me the antibiotics forgetting that at the time, she was acting on a doctor’s order.
    My second insecurity is not so much of an insecurity… more of a pain-in-the-ass problem. My right foot is slightly bigger than the left and when I buy shoes, the tight ones stay on my right foot but my smallest toes pains me till I can’t bear it anymore while the shoes that are slightly ‘spacy’ end up slipping off my right foot with each step I take. My friend says I should bone and invest in a quality pair of shoes customised to fit my feet because the pain I endure from walking is out of this world.
    The third is I’m hairy, ha! Long hair on my head is cute but the hair on my legs, haha. In uni, I used to shave my legs and leave my hands unshaved but after a friend commented that I could end up with the shaving bumps some men have on my legs, I started to reconsider shaving my legs. I even recently noticed that when I rub certain parts of my legs together, I have that rubbing against your boyfriend’s legs kinda feel. I like it and don’t hid my legs in hideous things sef. The skirts I wear sef, you’d think I had legs as hairless as a baby’s butt.

  25. Tgirl

    April 17, 2016 at 12:53 pm

    Hi Fanya. I am in the same shoes as you oo. Infact I do not bath when i have to sleep over at e.g company’s retreats so don’t let out my secret. My scanty hair too is another story. If you get a solution please help a sister too

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