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Loud Thinker: Cheating Parent…Should Children Get Involved?

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Foto.com.ng - Downloads-7This scenario is something happening to a close family member at the moment and I just want to get other people’s perspective. As usual, I always discuss my topics with a group of friends in order to get a variety of views. So here goes the scenario. Your mother calls for a meeting with you to discuss something serious and she reveals to you that your father is cheating on her. She goes further to tell you how she found out and what she knows so far and even discuss some Rated R stuff. At this point she is not directly asking you to confront your father but I am guessing by the end of that conversation it would leave anyone feeling a lot of emotions including being pressured to have a talk with your father. My question with the scenario is do you get involved? And if you do, how do you go about getting involved?

Personally, I thought it was wrong to even ask such a question because being a woman, I should feel sympathetic and more than that I should want to have my mother’s back and confront my father right? Well not really. When I discussed this further with my friends, I realized that I was not the only one who felt on the fence with this situation.

One of my friends was very strong on her view of staying out of the situation. She said if her mother had that conversation with her, she would tell her mother to work it out. My friend also said she would tell her mother to talk to someone older that can intervene. The older person could be more helpful in arranging a meeting and there is a possibility of the older family earning more respect. Another friend who had the same thoughts believed that confronting her father will not result to anything positive. She claimed her father might not hide his ways anymore if he realizes it is no longer a secret. She even went further to say she will find a partner for her mother too (she was simply adding humor to the scenario).

Most of my friends, on the other hand, felt strongly about getting involved in the situation. They had several reasons that made a lot of sense. One of my friends pointed out that her mother must be in a lot of distress if she opened up about such problems so it is only right to get involved. Another friend said she will get involved because she is part of the family. Her idea was that she will sit down with her father and let him know she is aware of what is going on and will talk to her father about stopping the affair. They all felt that if the father realized his children knew of the affair, then he will take steps to stop the affair. They even went further to mention that the father will not like his daughters to experience this in their marriages and this reason will push him to correct his actions.

Getting involved in your parents’ issue is very tricky. The way I see it, it is a situation that you have to tread with very carefully and if possible discuss with other siblings before approaching the issue. I agree with the point that the father might feel remorseful if he realizes that his children are aware of his actions. But it also depends on the father… and the mother too. Excuse me while I play the devil’s advocate for a moment. Someone might decide to get involved by having a conversation with the father. This could actually backfire and the father might decide to continue openly with the affair since it is no longer a secret. We will hope that this will not happen but let’s face it: our fathers are human beings too and they are not perfect.

So I am yanning all this but what would I actually do? Well, I would hear my mother out. I would empathize with her and tell her to keep her calm. I would then ask her how she plans on approaching the situation and would help her figure that part out. I would not confront or have a conversation with my father. I am not quite sure what my reasons are. Some thoughts that were racing through my head were:

  1. It might not help the situation.
  2. He might deny it which will make the situation more awkward.

But most importantly, while thinking about this scenario, I was not really sure what I would even say if I want to approach my father. A friend of mine told me that if I was a guy, my reaction might be different. I agree with this point and I would love the male BN readers to shed some light on that thought. Also I wonder if the conversation would be different if it was the mother cheating on the father.

Photo Credit: Foto.com.ng

Loud thinker is an extension of a young woman’s conversations with people around her and the thoughts that come with it. She loves to tease people’s minds and sometimes think outside the box. On her spare time she loves to dance, work out and Netflix.

12 Comments

  1. missus K

    April 18, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    We (I and 2 of my sisters) recently got involved in my parents squabbles. We made our points and asked if he wanted our husbands to treat us the same way he treats our mum. He clearly didn’t. And some adjustments were made after the talk.

    I do admit it’s a bit awkward getting involved ‘cuz you know they are the parents and are older and should be able to sort themselves out after 30 years of marriage.
    But we were brought up in a “let’s talk it out” way. If there was a problem which affected the whole family we talked about it so that helped in making it less awkward. I guess it depends on how the family setting is.

  2. Duni

    April 18, 2016 at 5:19 pm

    My take? Keep the children out of it…except it involves another child (or other children) coming into the picture.

    • i no send

      April 18, 2016 at 5:43 pm

      yeah i agree leave the kids out of it except they are like 30 years or older and /or physical abuse is involved..or the parent flaunts it in front of kids…….otherwise a respected older relative or pastor/counsellor/imam..someone respected by both parties sha would be suffice..

    • Dunni

      April 18, 2016 at 5:59 pm

      Name sake, it depends on the children’s age, I didn’t see anything wrong in it if they are old enough, if things get out of hands wont it affect them too directly/indirectly?

  3. oghenefaro

    April 18, 2016 at 5:31 pm

    I was in same situation. My dad cheated on my mom and she unloaded her burdens on me. However she never asked me to confront him, she just wanted me to tell her how to save money, plan her life and get ready for what’s coming since she’s not really the educated type. I told her what I thought was best and she moved on. It’s been four years since she left my father’s cheating ass and she is doing great. Moved to delta and opened her provision stores. if any woman was to ask me again about this same issue, I would say move on. A man who can’t appreciate a woman who endured with him when he had nothing, is not a man worth fighting for. My dad never respected my mom. It hurts to say, but it’s true.

  4. Blondie

    April 18, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    Keep the children out of it if they’re still very young, but if they’re grown bring them in.. for ur mother to confide in u means she knows u can handle it well. Call both parents together, and have a talk..let the cheating one know how his/her actions is affecting the home. Call them to order. If the cheating one doesn’t change after the whole thing, then u could advise the other party to take a bow & save them from the trauma.

  5. Anonymous

    April 18, 2016 at 6:39 pm

    My mum did it. So annoying. It damaged me as a person cause if I couldn’t trust my own dad is it another man I’ll trust. Yet she will still kiss up to him and choose him over me. She can never stand up to him when it’s something to do with him, even if it’s ordinary “can I go out”, she can’t beg for me talk less of standing up for me.
    Tomorrow now, they’ll celebrate 25th anniversary and she’ll write long epistle, meanwhile I’m here, damaged, for the next time she needs to report his cheating ass

    Nigerian women please stop being so spineless and stop treating your children like therapists yet bully them, carry out your anger on them, and treat them like bloody kids.

  6. chi-e-z

    April 18, 2016 at 10:11 pm

    Stay out of relationship drama oh…na when u chuk mouth in them go say na u cause am…and don’t say they’re my parents they won’t be so juvenile or irrational.these are nigerian parents we’re talking about they’re not normal. NONE Of Them

    • Ifeyinwa Mic

      April 19, 2016 at 11:59 pm

      LOL

  7. Such is lyf

    April 18, 2016 at 10:29 pm

    @Anonymous totally relate wit u, my mom did dsame,i was d ‘unbiased judge/listener’ n later bcame very biased n was just hurting for nothng. Hers wasn’t jst d cheating,twas dt n more I’m d firstborn,n yes I knew he was cheatn bt hw does a 9yr old strt tlkn bout such stuff? N no,didnt hv an open let’s sit n talk fmly till much later whn I was in my late teens/early 20’s; I rsolvd nt to get married or hv anytin to do wit anyman,had my frst bf in final year at uni so my frnds wud stop tnkin am a lesby, fell in love wit d love of my life n still kpt pushn him cos I was scared we’d b lyk my parents,tnk God he’s decided to stick wit me,plannin on gettn married bt plans on hold due to sm issuesn major one bein his fmly doesn’t wnt me cos of my fmly. We’re fmly frnds n my mom hhad frequently sought advice/solace frm his mom whnever she n my dad had issues for smtym(i was nt even aware till I went home n she ws telln me),so of cos dey won’t want deir son to marry frm d ‘crazy family’…anyways,sry fr d diversion, I don’t think dt children should b involved till dey r of a certain age (say 18/20 or matured enof) unless it’s a case of physical abuse. And even at dt,get someone elderly n confide it,atmost 2 pple. And for the men, rmembr whhat comes arnd goes arnd…Am sriously beginnin to thnk dt my father’s prvious reckless life is affectin me n my sistr nw,i pray not tho. Pele for the long tory

  8. Queen of Everything

    April 19, 2016 at 10:00 am

    I have been in this situation from my early teens to present
    watching my parents’ marriage has been a lesson in how not be married

    I stay out of it, my mum is the church over everything else type of person
    so for her leaving my dad is not an option. I did not talk to my dad about it
    frankly because it’s really not my business, their marriage has been before I was born
    so why do I need to get involved? if they can’t work it out it’s not up to me to intervene
    all I can do is pray for them, besides I feel like my mum would feel the need to butt into my marriage if she feels I was doing something about hers, and I don’t want that. The only third party in my marriage is God.

  9. anon

    April 19, 2016 at 10:29 am

    Depends on your relationship with your father. It also depends on how serious he is with the other woman. Some fathers wont bear to lose respect of their children especially for a fling. Others are aggressive authoritarians who will see the children interfering as absurd and will seek to punish them all by withholding support, disowning them all.

    A friends’s dad was confronted when his children (majority of them live abroad) came home for their mom’s party. He told them it was none of their business and then brought his mistress to his wife’s society 60th party. The children were upset, walked up to the women in question and asked her to leave their mum’s party. Their dad hasn’t spoken to any of them since then and have shunned 2 of his children’s wedding since then.

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