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Rosemary Egbo: 3 Things I Learned From a Bad Marriage

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dreamstime_m_11765128Getting married is one of the most exciting things that can happen to a person. For many, a day or two to the wedding becomes the most awkward days of their lives. The “am I making the right choice?” question keeps popping through the person’s mind. Some people see marriage as fulfilling God’s purpose for creating them male and female, one with whom you can share life’s responsibilities with. While some see marriage as a medium of escape from joblessness, pennilessness and to prove to their friends and families that they can get married as well.

A cousin of mine who had the notion of the latter, vowed that she would get married the year 2014 – nothing would stop her from getting married that same year and leave the village.

Out of that desperation she got married in November that same year. We were all happy for her because she had finally gotten what she has ever dreamed of, getting married to a rich man that will take her out of the village and penury as well.

Barely up to five months into the marriage, her family started receiving complains of how disrespectful she has become to the husband, which later resulted into her hubby turning her into a punching bag. The husband would call and lament of how she insults him and maltreats him.

One day, her older sister who lives in the same state with her got a heartbreaking call from her to come to her rescue. On getting there, she saw her sister looking like a mad woman. She looked pale, broken and shattered. Without uttering a word she took her and her then five months old son to her house. She later explained to the sister all that she encountered in her husband’s house.

She narrated how she married a man she never saw. They courted on the phone. She told her about how he lied to her about being rich and influential, how she gullibly swallowed everything he told her and believed all his promises. She narrated how wretched and miserable he was and how he poured out his misery by beating her. She never told any member of her family that he was beating and maltreating her; she didn’t even want anybody to know that the marriage she thought would be paradise in heaven turned into hell on earth. She never wanted her friends to know how much of a loser she was, in the competition of marrying the richest and most influential man.

He had beaten her to the extent that she fainted. He left her lying there and all she could hear from her subconscious was the cry of her son, which gave her hope and is probably the reason God saved her life. Unfortunately, the marriage ended in shambles. However, there are always great lessons to learn from this kind of marriages.

Here are three core lessons to take home from this story.

1. Never marry someone to get away from poverty
In this period of economic holocaust, many ladies will be in search of rich guys that will marry them and turn their financial stories around.

In this short life of mine, I have seen decent girls that married drug barons without knowing the source of their acclaimed wealth. The men will tell them they are importers and exporters. These ladies will never care to investigate what they are actually importing or exporting. I have also seen many young ladies who turned into widows at young age just because their husbands’ source of income was illegal and dirty.

Marrying with the purpose of running away from poverty and penury is a wrong notion about marriage. If ladies would engage their hands and work instead of engaging their fingers to do all manner of unprofitable things on social media, they would not be left with marrying any Tom Dick and Harry.

If you are smart enough you will learn how to use those social media for more profitable activities. These ladies forget that poverty is not just a state of being poor in the pocket, but in the mind. One can marry a rich man but the mind would still be poor and this is as a result of the mind being unproductive even with much money.

2. Never get married without discovering and pursuing your vision
My cousin never really had any vision she was pursuing other than to get married to a rich man. She never had anything she exerted her energy into, she wasn’t committing her time to anything worthwhile she just existed.
Marriage is one of the purposes of being created and not the whole of it. Many ladies have this idea that marriage is a destination, not knowing that marriage is a journey.

Having a vision and pursuing it as a single person is like journeying through life on a unicycle. When you get married to the right person, you journey through life no longer on a unicycle, but on a bicycle. With vision in marriage you have balance in life and stand greater chances of fulfilling destiny.

Discover your purpose of being created like Indra Nooyi, Christiane Amanpour, Hilary Clinton, Michelle Bachelet, Yoani Sanchez, Mary McAleese and a whole lot of them, who have impacted their world through embracing their visions.

Remember you were created to fill a void in the world, don’t just exist in marriage but live.

3. Never marry out of desperation
Like the saying goes, desperate needs call for desperate measures, but I say desperate needs calls for destructive measures.

My cousin acted desperately by getting married to a man she barely knew. She never saw this man face to face until the day her dowry was paid. I am not saying that those who were in physical relationship before getting married do not have their share of ups and downs in marriage, but do not allow desperation becloud your sense of reasoning.

A desperate person is a gullible person who will swallow anything she is told hook, line and sinker. That was the reason she believed everything she was told without carrying out necessary investigations.

Do not get desperate to rush into marriage but be observant and be sensitive to choose the right person. Don’t sit at home waiting for the right person, but go out there and make yourself useful. The fact that your friends, sisters and cousins have gotten married does not mean you should mount unnecessary pressure on yourself and fall into the wrong hands.

We all came into this world without having anybody’s name written on our palms as competitor. The greatest competition you will ever have is yourself. Don’t get married because you feel others are leaving you behind, get married because you are ready to be a positive influence to that man you call your husband.

Photo Credit: Darren Baker | Dreamstime.com

Rosemary is a teacher, entrepreneur, speaker and freelance writer passionate about relationships, entrepreneurship, sports, self- development and start-ups. you can contact her on linkedin, facebook and email at [email protected]

54 Comments

  1. Californiabawlar

    October 12, 2016 at 7:12 pm

    I was hoping to get at least one message for men. Maybe not for the man in the story but you know…some dude out there in a bad marriage too.

    • A Real Nigerian

      October 12, 2016 at 8:14 pm

      ALL NIGERIAN MEN are potential rapists, cheaters and lunatics. Violent animals with no conscience. Anyone of those pigs suffering from a bad marriage DESERVES it.

    • Tinu

      October 12, 2016 at 8:22 pm

      Please, forgive whoever it was that hurt you. All this pain can’t be healthy.

      1
    • Las

      October 12, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Sister, that’s bit harsh. I don’t know what could have happened to you, but please accept my apologies on behalf of all good Nigerian men out there. Not all Nigerian men are bad, there are awesome, respectful, well brought up men.

      What I have found from personal experience is that sometimes we attract who and what we are, Sometimes we need to change our parade to change our lives. Sometimes. Having said all that, there is no worthy excuse for rape.

    • peace

      October 12, 2016 at 8:35 pm

      May God open our hearts to the effects of negative words, may God replace all negative words declared upon Nigerian men and women and turn it positive. It will be well with us all.

      1
    • madman

      October 12, 2016 at 8:43 pm

      who HURT you?

    • femfem

      October 12, 2016 at 8:50 pm

      Absolutely true. Nigerian men specially the ones that have always lived in Nigeria are mostly animals in human format. They warped personalities. Extremely selfish and hateful

    • Goldfire.

      October 12, 2016 at 9:12 pm

      @Las, perhaps you are new to BN, that’s why you bothered to reply to and expend your precious sympathy and time on The Fake Nigerian. That person needs deep spiritual and psychiatric help. He/she is a most pitiable creature and of all creatures most wretched. He lives, or exists, for such is not life, only to spew evil on Nigeria, and on ANYTHING Nigerian. You will be amazed to see the number of features, posts and comments, one person seems to just exist and breathe in some dark corner of the world somewhere waiting with bated breath to jump on a spew an evil, poisonous, negative remark or curse about Nigeria and Nigerians on. He/she/it has no other life, or rather, existence, apparently. From the contents of the comments over time, I don’t think the writer is even human anymore but some kind of twisted creature that only Divine intervention can help. He/she is NOT Nigerian. It is always completely evident from the statements made about this great country of ours. Do not be fooled by the name/handle he/she has assumed on BN. He/she has recently added another persona, in the guise of the name @Hadiza. The kind of extreme bitterness, misery, pain, wretchedness and evil that is coated (or disguised as he/she/they foolishly imagine) in what he/she/they delude himself/herself/themselves are highly intelligent, sarcastic, and mocking remarks causes one not to envy the mental health professional and deliverance minister/exorcist that will have to take that job on.

    • Anonymous

      October 12, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      @Las you telling someone that they attract who/what they are is the meanest and most reckless thing to say to someone who “may” be a victim. You may not have meant harm, but I’ve noticed that Nigerians are fond of saying harsh and insensitive things to people without even thinking twice. I’m not speaking for a real Nigerian and I don’t particularly agree with his/her generalizations, but for future reference, please don’t say that to someone else. If you’re not sure how to comfort or improve the person, drop a bible verse, tell them sorry, or simply refer them to someone who can

    • I_I

      October 12, 2016 at 11:21 pm

      Spoken like the true daughter of her father!

    • Uberhaute looks

      October 12, 2016 at 11:23 pm

      All Nigerian men are not what you just wrote. I have a good husband and same goes for my brothers.
      My own list in my few years of marriage goes thus;
      1. Have a job before marriage
      2. Don’t get pregnant immediately after the wedding
      3. Try and save for at least a small car on or before baby arrives
      4. Spacing in giving birth is very important especially for the sanity and health of the woman.

      1
    • Spunky

      October 13, 2016 at 12:06 am

      @ A real Nigerian! Your father must be a pig for birthing you through raping your mum…on behalf of Nigerian men, we are sorry.

    • Surprised.com

      October 13, 2016 at 9:17 am

      That you have 15 likes on this comment shows the quality of thinking that has now engulfed Bella Naija. I am totally worried. My husband is not a lunatic, cheat(er) or rapist and never will be. God says “I will do the very things I hear you say”. So this may just be your experience with ALL Nigerian men going forward. Have a good day.

      1
    • Takeseveralseats

      October 13, 2016 at 1:23 pm

      I really pray you find peace from this hurt that has enveloped your being.

    • BothWays

      October 12, 2016 at 8:41 pm

      Men shouldn’t be desperate to get married too, they should also have a vision and purpose before getting married. Most importantly they shouldn’t get married because they intend to change their financial status. Same advise can be applied to the men too.

  2. rubywoo

    October 12, 2016 at 7:48 pm

    Dear writer it’s bride price not dowry

  3. Yummychickcummummy

    October 12, 2016 at 8:30 pm

    Basic . A lady must discover herself first before taking the responsibility of being matched with another person. IMO… So they will compliment each other..

    • nene

      October 13, 2016 at 1:47 pm

      gbam

  4. Marlvina

    October 12, 2016 at 9:02 pm

    They don’t hear word. They no dey learn. Tell them!

  5. Anonymous

    October 12, 2016 at 9:14 pm

    Rosemary Egbo, are you from Akokwa? We have an Egbo family in Umuopia. Just curious to know if I have a sister on BN.

    • Rosemary Egbo

      October 13, 2016 at 1:46 pm

      No dear I am not

    • Anonymous

      October 13, 2016 at 11:22 pm

      Thanks for replying.

  6. A Real Nigerian

    October 12, 2016 at 9:15 pm

    @Las. You are a rapist, you just don’t know it yet. And being a Nigerian man automatically makes you a power hungry, cheating, violent scum of the earth. ALL NIGERIAN MEN are pigs and the sooner all these foolish women realise that there are NO EXCEPTIONS, the better!
    FemFem you are right. Very selfish and hateful lowlives.

    • Eegor

      October 12, 2016 at 9:23 pm

      Attention seeker are you looking for sympathy? You won’t get none. He even tried to be nice pls shift and continue to hate Nigerian men not like you are stopping people from getting married and having happy homes ??

    • Nakoms

      October 12, 2016 at 11:43 pm

      Wow! Who did this to you?

    • Las

      October 12, 2016 at 9:34 pm

      FYI – I am a woman who knows amazing Nigerian men. I hope you find the help you need.

    • Nakoms

      October 12, 2016 at 11:44 pm

      Wow! Who did this to you? Sorry of!

    • bree

      October 13, 2016 at 3:35 pm

      Lets hear your story @real nigerian, cos it sure must be bitter. kpele,but no i disagree with you, there are sweet nigerian well brought up men. there are happy homes, happy married women and even overpampered wives like my cousin would call herself. and i agree with Laz, be who you want in the other person. with this your mentality,you could be doing yourself harm and even any other nigerian man who genuinely loves you.

    • Ellena

      October 13, 2016 at 10:40 pm

      May God have mercy on you and heal your heart.

  7. Nunulicious

    October 12, 2016 at 9:21 pm

    And those who have made two or three out of this mistake, wetin dem suppose do?

  8. Ajala & Foodie

    October 12, 2016 at 9:30 pm

    Singing (I got a feeling….uhhhhh) that this is in response to Different’s comment from the other day. It is just a feeling!!!

  9. hadiza

    October 13, 2016 at 12:00 am

    @A Real Nigerian, u took the words right out of my keyboard. U said it all, bae.

    • Dash

      October 13, 2016 at 4:38 am

      ??

    • Brethren

      October 13, 2016 at 5:22 pm

      Two peas, one pod

  10. Crown

    October 13, 2016 at 1:34 am

    Disappointed that you could not mention one successful woman from Nigeria or even Africa as an example of a successful woman. Really?

  11. just saying

    October 13, 2016 at 8:44 am

    I absolutely agree that one should not get married out of desperation or as a poverty alleviation scheme. However, the thing about purpose is just wrong. Lots of people go through life without knowing exactly what their “purpose” in life is mostly because purpose changes with time, I believe. Very few people live all their lives doing just one or a few things. Most people will have to do a zillion things to be fulfilled. What’s the idea behind this epistle? Marrying should not end your quest for self discovery. So many people eventually discover what they really were meant to be later in life. So, No. Marry when you find the right one your heart is at peace with who drives you to seek continuously for your purpose and you ‘ll be fine. I have heard countless stories of supportive Nigerian husbands who sacrifice a lot for their wives dreams. End of epistle.

  12. Meme

    October 13, 2016 at 9:13 am

    With regards getting a job. Do it for yourself trust me. I got married without a job and while my husband was the most supportive person I could’ve asked for… I turned into the person bringing conflict in the marriage. This post should give some credit to women. Most modern day women want to work too but sometimes the job is just not there(yet). In fact I think the challenge can be with we ambitious women. Married with so much brains in your head, your partner has boasted About your intelligence to his family and friends and you guys have come up with a master plan to take over the world financially then Gbam! No job for you.
    Without a job I grew seriously paranoid about everything and worried my husband would love me less as I was not pulling my own weight. In the end I failed to notice his effforts to love me despite the situation. In the end I got an amazing job thank God!

    Still I will say as an advice for ambitious women out there like myself, if you know success drives you a lot… get a job before marriage. If that doesn’t work out, be patient with your husband while searching. You can be vulnerable, swallow your pride and use that period to love your husband more … treat home as your job for that period( perfect meals, good sex, sexy outfits day in day out, tender loving care). Because when you finally get that amazing job.. you won’t have as much time as you do now.

    PS: I married a Nigerian man… born and bred in Nigeria

    • Anon

      October 13, 2016 at 9:25 am

      Confusing comment. Are you a man or a woman? :-s

  13. jay

    October 13, 2016 at 9:43 am

    Most thesis on marriage is always about the woman marrying a bad man! Whatabout cases of Good Men Marrying Bad women! Men can also be victims of bad marriage! A case where the man does everything to make the woman comfortable, yet she let’s her mother and sisters determine the way she treats her husband, most women always want to be the receiver and never the giver! It’s a shame that Good men have no one to cry to, other than to swallow all this hate and strive on. It’s well with every Good Man.

    • [email protected]

      October 13, 2016 at 11:51 am

      It’s not as commonly talked about I guess. I know many stories of terrible husbands but only one of a terrible wife. She was my aunty so this is not me being biased. She was horrible to her husband. She was about 6’1 tall and he was roughly 5’5 tall. They used to fight and argue a lot and my parents had to get involved. Because she was bigger than him, she would bully him and literally give him knocks on his head. They are still together weirdly enough

    • Happiness

      October 13, 2016 at 6:04 pm

      Lol….I can imagine

    • nene

      October 13, 2016 at 1:48 pm

      but in this epistle, the woman is clearly a bad woman.

  14. ejogene

    October 13, 2016 at 12:13 pm

    Women will stop marrying out of desperation when the society stop judging women based on their marital status. The Nigerian society is too difficult to live in when you a woman and up to 25 years without a husband. We should all try to be nice to one another.

  15. Louda

    October 13, 2016 at 1:11 pm

    Calling all Nigerian men bad is like saying all Nigerians are Boko Haram. Im a woman, men have been mean to me too but that is not a reason to think every single man in Nigeria is bad. My dad and my Brothers I know very well are not like that. Sorry for whatever happened to you but you sound like the pain is fresh. Try to release them and be free. One hurt me so bad early this year but I have moved on and when you move on you become happier and healthier than when you hold on to the pain and lash out at every guy thereby missing the good ones. Nigerian women are no saints either.

  16. Rosemary Egbo

    October 13, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    I think it is fallacy of generalization to say that all Nigerian men are bad and violent. This piece should help us to reflect on our motives in choosing a life partner.

  17. nene

    October 13, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    so many marry to get out of poverty. I know a dude who’s talking to an african american woman with children just so he can travel to the US and live there, and i know two girls who have been rejected by every man in Nigeria because of their lifestyle, but now they’re getting married to guys who live in the UK and the other in the US. It’s lazy people and frustrated people who do things like this.

  18. FAICO

    October 13, 2016 at 2:39 pm

    I strongly agree with all she said NIGERIA girls are DESPIRATE this days, we should be careful, both male n females.

  19. FAICO

    October 13, 2016 at 2:41 pm

    MOST NIGERIANS ARE…

  20. Prince

    October 13, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    You’ve spoken well my dear. Who says marriage is an achievement and where did you see it that single man/woman won’t make heaven which is the most important place.

  21. Happiness

    October 13, 2016 at 4:48 pm

    this story has given me hope that I didn’t make any mistakes by rejecting the marriage proposal I got few months back. Sincerely when I look at the challenges I’m facing I feel maybe I didn’t consider the matter objectively but I like to believe I did and this article has reinforced my belief. And to think I just wrote a story on it 2 days back.

  22. Victor

    October 13, 2016 at 4:51 pm

    This is terrific! Marriage is indeed never a destination. It pays to have a vision. A great lesson to ladies who are only interested in “already made” man. Good piece!

  23. Yvonne

    October 13, 2016 at 8:58 pm

    nice one…….. marriage is good but chicas got to wise up mehn……live ur dreams n visions n stop placing a mere mortal man as ur goal in life….

  24. Nike

    October 14, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    “get married because you are ready to be a positive influence to that man you call your husband.” THIS WORD STRIKE MY HEART!

  25. Toby Nwazor

    October 14, 2016 at 2:19 pm

    My own list in my few years of marriage goes thus;
    1. Have a job before marriage
    2. Don’t get pregnant immediately after the wedding
    3. Try and save for at least a small car on or before baby arrives
    4. Spacing in giving birth is very important especially for the sanity and health of the woman.

    Thanks for that comment.

    Rosemary Chikolysis, wonderful article I must confess. I thought you write just business articles. Didn’t know you do relationships too, and you are also very good at it.

    I love and totally agree with the second point. Vision is very important. Permit me to add a little something too…

    No man who has no idea where he is going and at least started making efforts to get there deserves a wife. If you don’t know where you are going in life, or at least have an idea of where, why should you take someone else along? In the same vein (for women), it is not wise to follow someone who does not know where he’s going.

    Nne let me stop here before m nara gi article debe (before I take over the writing of d article from you)

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