Connect with us

Features

Asake Agoro: I Could Settle But I Can’t Settle

Asake Agoro

Published

 on

dreamstime_m_37098260“You’re never getting married are you?”

It was a rhetorical question. Hooded eyes looking at me through the haze of smoke coming from his rolled up blunt.
We sat at a local lounge bar in Lekki, with the noise of Phyno’s Fada Fada bursting loudly from the speakers. I was on my second bottle of Orijin and the alcohol was beginning to make me mellow. The question took me by surprise and woke me up – even though I have heard it quite a few times, I was still unsure how to react.

“Where did you get that from?”

I usually got fairly similar answers to this question.

An hour earlier we were at a business meeting with a few others. Pumped up from the energy bouncing around, I thought the quietness of my house seemed like an anticlimax. I thought it would be great to catch up over drinks with this old time friend-acquaintance I hadn’t seen in ages.

I thought wrong. I could see him assessing me, calculating. I could tell the thoughts going on in his head and I thought to myself how do I always arrive here?

“Well, the things you say on social media… your no-nonsense personality…your hair….how you act: tough, independent and outspoken”

The words ‘crazy’ and ‘feminist’ hung unsaid, loudly in the air.
“Whoa! The things I say?”

Seeing I was getting animated he quickly tried to retract his words, but it was too late.

Earlier on, he had tried to invite himself into my home. Suggesting we just buy a drink and share it over there since he had already confirmed that I live alone. I politely gave some excuse.

So, because in your head I am some wild child, I would invite you into my home and drink alcohol and smoke weed with you and then what ? Then he had driven to a hotel nearby saying he just wanted to quickly see a friend. A plot he abandoned when I said I would wait for him in the car.

Then we had come here after I insisted I was just in the mood for casual drinks and good old conversation.
Even though I had heard this question a few times I felt a touch of hurt. Normally I would have gone on a feminist rant which would have further sealed the person’s preconceived notions of me, but this time maybe it was the alcohol – so I paused.

I really wanted to know. The reasons usually given, even though I understood them, made no sense to me.

My hair? My personality? My Facebook statuses? What really?
How is that enough for you to judge me Asake and conclude I must be some rabid feminist who hates men ?
Earlier on he had asked me if I liked women,  while offering me a drag of his skunk which I had declined.
‘You look like like someone who smokes weed and likes women’ he had commented carelessly.
Normally I would have come back with a quick quip like: ‘So what if I do’ or something like ‘You just never know’
But today, these careless statements and conclusions of my character hurt.

So I took a deep breath while contemplating if I should go ballistic or just simply leave.

I knew what he was thinking: this crazy fashion designer with half shaved head who writes all this crazy stuff on Facebook and likes to dress ‘weird’. She must be wild. She must like to smoke weed. She must like women and/or men. She must not be domesticated. All these I knew because this was a scenario that had played out several times over.
A random memory popped up. It was scene in which my mum was chastising me on one of my wildest haircuts yet. She became almost hysterical and started pleading with God to deliver me from the spirits making me so wild if not I would never find a husband to marry me.

I remembered being approached by a young pastor from my church looking to settle down seriously. We got along quite well until my hair became an issue. At that time it was a mohawk and dyed red. Definitely not fitting for a pastor’s wife. It would have been easy to perform the role. To be what I knew he was looking for and in a month or two get that engagement ring. But I couldn’t.

The same scenario as with all my relationships. I just couldnt settle. I said to him, you can’t pick and chose the parts of me you like. This is the package. Take it all or leave it be. Needless to say things went downhill from there.

I remembered a friend who I had lived and worked with in London now also in Lagos telling me ‘Asake, Naija is different. You can’t be doing all this ‘crazy’ things. You have to tone things down if you want men to approach you seriously. You have to show them you are wife material and display wife material characteristics’  I saw this friend whom I had known to be quite ‘wild’ in London become this packaged wife material. She fit into the role so easily. Her in laws fell in love with her and she got that engagement ring and got married shortly after.

I constantly get told, ‘Asake I see you ending up with a white man. You’re their type ! ‘ meaning I am not the normal. I’m too much for your African men. The good African wife is not wild. She is not outspoken. She is not free spirited. She doesn’t shave her hair and dye it different colors of the rainbow. You are only fit to marry a white man.

Was I the problem? Could everybody be right and I am wrong? I am not wild. I am free…unapologetically me in a world that is constantly trying to shape everyone into boxes.

I have discovered I have actually tried to listen to this advice. I tried to ‘tone’ down. Dress more ladylike. Don’t tell men to shut up, they don’t like that. Massage their ego. Be a wife material (Trust me, I don’t even know what this means).But then occasionally the real me pops out and dude is taken aback like whoaaaa I didn’t sign up for this crazy woman!

But the truth is some of us are dreamers. Some of us don’t fit the status quo. We are the squares being forced into round holes. We are the romantics. We believe in the fairy tales. We refuse to accept reality. We understand it but we can’t settle for it. Because it is the very antithesis of our nature. Life experiences shape us and transform us. And so sometimes, we adjust our hopes, dreams and expectations to our present circumstances. Oh time is running out, I better drag Mr Left to become Mr Right. There are no jobs, I better settle for Admin officer instead of becoming a pilot.But some of us just can’t face reality. We continue to dream. We continue to hope. We continue to wait for that one that will accept us in all our perfect imperfections. We are the die hard romantics.Because life is too short to be lived unhappily.

We want more. We believe there is more. We could settle. But we can’t settle.

Photo Credit: Paul Hakimata | Dreamstime.com

I wear many hats !! Creative Director @AsakeOge, Tutor, Storyteller, Stylist, Content Writer TV/Online/Print & Entrepreneur. Food, Vodka & Red Wine lover, Travel ethusiast, Eternal optimist, Die hard romantic waiting for my horseman in shinning Agbada ! Instagram: @asake @asakeoge

51 Comments

  1. sunshine

    November 16, 2016 at 10:40 pm

    I really respect your honesty, Asake. The struggle to ‘conform’ in order to be accepted in these parts is real! Every relationship I have been in eventually ended because I didn’t ‘act’ like I was auditioning for the ring i.e. submission, endurance, long-suffering etc…It’s not a question of whether or not we want commitment, the truth is that some of us are more terrified of losing ourselves in the name of keeping up appearances in a relationship than we are of being alone. Good read and thanks for sharing.

  2. Bosschick

    November 16, 2016 at 10:43 pm

    Asake, truer words have not been spoken,we are alike in certain ways. I cannot fit into a box, I know who I am, a strong, intelligent, ambitious, passionate female who knows what she wants out of life. I constantly tell people that the regression equation of my life is education, career growth, spiritual growth and making the world a better place by giving back, in no particular order. Men come after all this. Many African men especially expect you to mold your life views, goals and expectations around their lifestyle and success. You can’t be more successful/outspoken/popular than them, if you are, all of a sudden you are a loose woman, you will be called names by society, both men and women. All a woman is good for is birthing kids and standing by them, praying, undergoing endless deliverance/prayer sessions on their behalf to ensure their success in life and being paranoid at every woman that’s their friend (affair or not). I will not conform to this stereotype, I want love yeah, but I will not give up my individuality and settle for less to get it and Asake, neither should you.

    • tunmi

      November 17, 2016 at 1:05 am

      “the regression equation of my life is education, career growth, spiritual growth and making the world a better place by giving back”???????????

  3. stephmimi

    November 16, 2016 at 10:45 pm

    Oh my, Yesterday, I was having a conversation with a guy I am dating. We talked about his sister and her impending divorce. They are not Nigerians, how his in-law is present in body but absence in substance. His inlaw literally goes to work and returns into the masters bedroom till the next morning. His soon to be ex-wife stays in another room. He barely fraternizes with their 8 year old daughter. He does nothing at home

    I told him his sisters situation is one of the many things I fear about marriage today and I went on my usual feminist rant. He paused and said “You won’t be getting married anytime soon huh?” I too like you was hurt by his statement. It is not that I am repulsed my marriage, I am averse to the performance of it; The decision to be with someone based out of fear, competition or social obligation. Only to get in there and be miserable. I too said these exact words too him “I am just too much of romantic to settle”. To settle for anyone who will call me wife so I may finally be seen as worthy to the rest of the world.

    Oh i also get the “I don’t see you with an african man, maybe a white man”.

    • Concerned Commenter

      November 16, 2016 at 11:40 pm

      lol shots fired. You have received your warning now oh. Guy has no plans to marry you. If you are cool with that continue. otherwise in a year or so you will be writing dear aunty bella. It’s like guys that say to you , after you have cleaned their whole house and cooked for them – The guy that will marry you will be so lucky! I mean this one he is asking/saying it is unlikely you will be marrying soon – shouldn’t he as the person you are dating be working towards that as well. Or y’all are just seeing how it goes??

    • Warrichic

      November 17, 2016 at 7:22 am

      I am confused how you missed the whole point of her write up! The writer has clearly stated that she does not want to settle for anybody – be it with current man or any future man. She is a romantic but she is not desperate. I totally relate to her views on marriage: Must do it right or will rather not do it at all, nobody ever died from not being married.
      Some Nigerian women cannot see or think of anything beyond hustling for man or marriage – pele, not everybody is doing the ‘get married by force by fire or die trying’ hustle.

  4. JikBuyer

    November 16, 2016 at 11:04 pm

    lol I feel you bae. Approaching 28 pretty soon and all I can think is, was it for nothing that I turned down all my past suitors? lol the truth is when i think of all of these suitors apart from maybe 1, all i want to do is vomit. In fact, all i do feel towards them is a sort of covert rage, the fact these guys actually came to meet me, believing I would agree to settle for any of them – as ugly and hideous as they all looked. My situation is a bit different from yours in the sense that i am not “wild” or given to crazy haircuts or weed smoking etc. Lol i am very happy to revert to a 50s wife if that is required and I actually love following traditional gender roles. Having said that, I am pretty opinionated. But in the past 2 to 3 years I like to believe i have learned to tone it down, to treat people as I would like to be treated, to listen more and be less quick to force my opinion – the thing is no one likes a person that is opinionated and it is easy to pop off at the mouth (Sorry my Feminist sisters, anyone can do that. what y’all call have your own opinions is just being a basic person) but it takes a lot more character to rein it in and state your point without forcing the issue, leaving it to the person to make their own choice and- if you are married – making a decision to win your husband over with a quiet and gentle spirit even though you feel like landing him an upper-cut.

    So back to my point, I am learning to tone it down and to be more gentle and stuff. But the truth is, I still don’t want to settle. I am sorry call me shallow, call me silly, tell me I am not serious yet, but the bottom line is I just can’t deal with the sort of options I am presented with. I live and work in the UK in one of the biggest financial services institutions yet at my office – no credible black options (the ones there look like they have been squashed by white people)and the ones that approach me while I walk home look like they are a minute away from being caught by the UK border Force. Don’t even get me started on the heart -attack inducing English.

    Me ,I don’t know again oh. I have prayed to God to help me get over this inability to see past the physical looks but I just can’t. Everyday I go on Bellanaija and see far more pretty girls settling for “frogs” and I look at them in amazement. But the key thing is they look happy with their choice. I have told God that if He has ordained that the person I am with must be hideous can He at least make me like him? for where! the more they come the more outraged I am. The more outraged I am and show it, the more forcefully they press their suit. Abeg I give up.

    Quietly resigning myself to a life of singlehood. But before dropping the matter, I decided yday to finally give online dating a go. It was something i was deeply opposed to both from a personal and spiritual perspective. I mean I believe in a God of detail, who has planned every aspect of our lives and who does not need help in bringing the one to us if we let Him and pray to Him. In fact, that is what He has done in other aspects of my life so far – but He has clearly taken a rain check on the relationship/marriage issue. Anyhow. i’ll let y’all know if the online thing works *kisses*

    • bayowa

      November 17, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Ok. If finding a fine boy is the issue locate where they are and start going there.

    • IgalaChicInKano

      November 23, 2016 at 10:01 pm

      Hian! See epistle.

    • Ex -Unadite

      December 14, 2016 at 4:01 pm

      I know rite ??? Like it took alcohol n weed to sleep with her whilst we were back in uni ..Yomi Agoro was as loose as they came in UNAD days now only reason why no one wants to settle for you is cos you are fake n a nasty piece of work!! No man wants that you carried your loose self to LONDON again sleeping with married men it’s not because of hair styles., Tonto Dikeh has had crazier hair styles she is married stop taking ppl on a fake ride on Bella thinking your past won’t catch up with you ..April by Kunbi is a designer a lot more successful she recently got married
      This has nothing to do with hairstyles, occupation or school of thoughts it’s your character it’s appalling!! If you can’t be real in life at least be real in your write up!!

  5. hadiza

    November 16, 2016 at 11:19 pm

    My dear, don’t settle for men, they ain’t worth u. They want a submissive dumb mute wife, but after all the sacrifices, they’ll still hit u and cheat on u. None of them are any good. Don’t conform to some cheap standard because u want a man, men ain’t worth it.

    • Bitchplease

      December 15, 2016 at 1:33 pm

      She is the definition of cheap no need to conform

  6. Mz_Danielz

    November 16, 2016 at 11:29 pm

    Okay, this needs to stop. I agree that we shouldn’t settle but the constant writing and blabbing about ‘not settling’ makes one wonder who we are trying to convince.

    That’s how an acquitance of mine who is a runs girl and so desperate to get married; going on every arranged date, trying hard: in fact once marriage prayers are said, everyone mentions her name. Now I guess someone told her guys don’t like girls who post too much pics on Instagram, she’s gone awol and only puts up posts about not settling, being diamond, etc. while actively dating a married man and desperate for a hubby.

    See babes, not settling and being ‘different’ is not an excuse to be obnoxious, so you might need to evaluate the feedback you receive. Different is not always a good thing and perception is reality so we need to be conscious of what we project.

    Love yourself, explore your feminity, listen and evaluate people’s opinions but be true to you. No need for all this long talk. If you do not settle, you don’t need to loud it abeg.

    • tunmi

      November 17, 2016 at 1:08 am

      There are many purposes of writing. It can be to convince. But it can also be to inform. And it’s not a constant writing. If there is any content writing, it’s the aso-ebi Bella but no one says we are trying to convince people to blah, blah, blah. Your friends experience is one person’s. Don’t lump all in one basket.

    • Xoxo

      November 17, 2016 at 2:09 am

      Oh cmon Mz_Danielz there’s no need to beef the article (if that’s the right way of putting it). Let people be loud about whatever they want to be loud about. Its freedom of speech. That’s what you’re enjoying right now too. The writer is just expressing how annoying it is when society wants you(women) to stick to the status quo. I really don’t think she was trying to convince anyone. Its just a rant, its not a quarrelling something. On the other hand, people like your acquaintance are just deceiving themselves. And your sentence about how being different may not always be a good thing, my dear good or bad, we can’t all be the same.
      Thank you very much Asake. Lovely article. I didn’t want to stop reading. Lessons I learnt: never settle for less and never let society fit you into a box.

    • mz_danielz

      November 17, 2016 at 10:48 am

      I must state I love the tone of your response, It is extremely polite.

      The truth is, people have began to use this ‘not settling’ and ‘being unique’ as an excuse not to make necessary changes.

      From the write up, it seems the writer is a bit eccentric which is okay but if someone’s feedback elicited such a response, then maybe it’s because, nature is telling her it is time to evolve into someone else and she is trying too hard to hold on to an image of herself for fear of the unknown. ( I hope, I’m making sense sha cos I’ve realized that we hear and see things, we want to based on nature/providence’s timetable for us) and if this is the case her holding on and claiming ‘not settling’ is actually stunting her.

      That said, people need to be confident enough to be truthful to themselves. If you are single for reasons you cannot explain. Then so be it, you don’t owe anyone lectures and most importantly, you don’t need to lie to yourself. It is the recipe for identity crisis.

      We can all be social media motivational speakers but at the end of the day, we owe it to ourselves to be truthful about our needs, wants and desires. They are legitimate and human cos we are beings not robots.

      I am single because I haven’t found someone I love that loves me back and subconsciously I want to make a bit more money.

      It is what it is. In my 20 something years, I’ve grown to realize that true confidence is sometimes quiet, warm,like a gentle perfume you feel and not noisy, boisterous, hit you over the head, I must convince you, ‘you aren’t urban if you don’t think my way’, ‘by God so people still think like this in 2016’ we all think it is.

    • johnn

      November 17, 2016 at 8:14 am

      yawnnnn,another tweak man bashing article….as someone said ..whether U settle or not, who are all trying to convince?. .since u admit that you are weird, why dont u go and find another weird(I bet they are plenty) man with his own imperfections rather than trying force a sane man to conform to your standards and complain when he doesn’t …even better still for sake of society. ..please remain single or go and marry the so called white man..life goes on

    • Ex -Unadite

      December 14, 2016 at 4:04 pm

      Exactly sounds more like depression Yomi agoro is 34 n bitter abeg unsuccessful career unmarried unfulfilled I can understand.

  7. Patrick

    November 17, 2016 at 2:15 am

    You drink , dress weird,smoke weed, shave your head and go on facebook rants and you wonder why you are single? … No straight man wants to marry another man. simple!
    Ladies don’t get it twisted, marriage is not for the timid,submissive,no career driven woman with zero personality, it’s for the calm spirit. Now honestly ask yourself, what decent family oriented guy out there wants to wife a lady who exhibits all the traits you have mentioned above?Does he want his daughter doing same? Would he proudly introduce this girl to his mother/family?…

    • PleaseNo

      November 17, 2016 at 7:41 am

      But men that have these same characterists are ‘marriage material’ right…. I see that you say you want a woman with a calm spirit so she will allow you to control her and tolerate your cheating abi

    • Yebo

      November 18, 2016 at 1:23 pm

      I am calm guy, I like opinionated women who are humble,kind and assertive, however I can’t tolerate abuse. I don’t give that and simply can’t take it. How can something that is so good be seen as weakness. How has calmness turned out to be seen as one that can be easily controlled. I disagree with you, even the loudest people can be controlled as well. Being assertive is the word that need to be added for one not to become a push over, you can be calm and assertive, a talkative and assertive.

      A gentle answer turn away wrath Prov 15:1. This applies to both men and women.

    • justsaying

      November 17, 2016 at 11:34 am

      Thank you! There is nothing wrong with being different but the writer herself is not exactly helping herself with her so called ‘weirdness’. She displays half naked pictures on instagramm and you can smell her attitude through her write ups. Not many men will see that as wife material.

    • kemi

      November 17, 2016 at 12:39 pm

      lmao….where in the article did the writer say she smokes weed ???

    • kaka

      November 17, 2016 at 2:02 pm

      abeg dude people choices differs whether black or white. I have met a Nigerian dude well to do and otherwise that said to me i’m too mellow for his liking, that he prefers baddest chicks. I dont know what he constitutes as being bad neither do i know his definition of being a bad girl but he’s a big rihanna fan and he said he find normal nigerian girl too doll and this wasn’t the 1st time i have heard this. I think it depends on choices. so dont say because she have have a preference or that she is herself makes her peculiar, she’s not and to be honest I’m with her becos i have my own preferences quirks and all

    • Ex -Unadite

      December 14, 2016 at 4:05 pm

      Bless you sir!! It’s just her character that’s all nothing else plenty married women with career a lot more successful than hers!!

  8. Missappleberry

    November 17, 2016 at 2:23 am

    But the truth is some of us are dreamers. Some of us don’t fit the status quo. We are the squares being forced into round holes. We are the romantics. We believe in the fairy tales. We refuse to accept reality. We understand it but we can’t settle for it. Because it is the very antithesis of our nature. Life experiences shape us and transform us. And so sometimes, we adjust our hopes, dreams and expectations to our present circumstances. Oh time is running out, I better drag Mr Left to become Mr Right. There are no jobs, I better settle for Admin officer instead of becoming a pilot.But some of us just can’t face reality. We continue to dream. We continue to hope. We continue to wait for that one that will accept us in all our perfect imperfections. We are the die hard romantics.Because life is too short to be lived unhappily.

    We want more. We believe there is more. We could settle. But we can’t settle.

    This paragraph described me totally. I would have liked to add my own epistle but it’s 2:22am and I need to go back to bed. Loved this article!

  9. ogeAdiro

    November 17, 2016 at 4:01 am

    Is it even possible to be with another human being without settling in some type of way? Oyibo actually calls it “settling down”. Some people want to be twerking at a nightclub at age 45, while others want to be doing homework with their kids and preparing dinner. We just have to figure out what we want and either twerk into the twilight or find someone deserving of our settling.

  10. Jamce

    November 17, 2016 at 4:05 am

    “Settling” is a commitment. Which requires give and take. It is also a choice you have to make and not forced. So, wait for the man who would accept your total package of “perfect imperfections” and the one you would accept his also (no matter what the imperfections are). There should be no middle ground, each must stand on his or her perfect imperfections. Until then stay on your “wild” lane and drive till you meet the one to bend to your will of independence. And if you don’t meet any, drive on and carry go.

  11. Girl

    November 17, 2016 at 4:21 am

    Clearly you’re in my head and you wrote this with me in mind. The fact that my personality makes folks think I’m easy or the fact that I don’t believe in settling and research actually shows that people who keep going and don’t settle end up on top. Read the story of the wealthiest people in life.

    God made no mistakes on anyone. The truth of the matter is you should never settle. “If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on.” – Steve Jobs

    In the same speech he mentioned that finding your passion and doing what you love is as true for your career as it is for your lovers. Ever wonder why so many people in Nigerian marriages are miserable? You fix up and look sharp and you get the ring. You have the wedding and then reality sets in. Oh sh*t I have to deal with this man the rest of my life and vice Versa. Be true to yourself and always stay in your lane stop doing what everyone wants you to do stop trying to fit in a box live for yourself and the person who is yours will find you. The reason so many settle is because they are never in their lane. They are doing everything but what makes them happy. What people fail to realize is when you do what makes you happy and you are at peace the world sees it and you become a light and what is yours will locate you.
    Asake please don’t settle and to the women who know their worth like her don’t settle either the beauty of being at peace is even when the world is concerned about your love life and alla that, you’re too confident to be bothered because you are living for you.

    Sorry for the long comment but hopefully you get it.

  12. Warrichic

    November 17, 2016 at 7:12 am

    The thing that annoys me is the fact that men are never asked to conform ‘husband material’ standards. Men can be as promiscuous, immature and lacking in all possible positive qualities ever yet and nobody will hassle them to behave. Why must the woman always be the one to endure, conform, manage and suffer just to please a man that never has to answer to Nigerian society for his actions.
    Later, these same men will be acting as if they are doing you a favour. I’m tired.

    • Are we all the same

      November 18, 2016 at 2:34 pm

      Haba na this is totally wrong, men are asked to conform to society standards too. There are good and bad men out there don’t settle down with a bad one. Are all women the same?

  13. Abominable snow girl

    November 17, 2016 at 7:43 am

    Glorious. If we were all the same, looked and talked the same, the world would have been a huge bore?. Some people are an “acquired taste”, not for everyone.
    The beauty is in finding the balance. Life is too short to become a Stepford wife. Please, do not settle. The worst place you can settle in is Marriage. You might settle for a degree, you have the option of pursuing your dream career later, but if you settle in Marriage….. toh. God help us all.
    Do you girl. ?
    P. S I don’t need to be a Feminist to be different.

  14. GraceOfGOD

    November 17, 2016 at 8:56 am

    @All

    Good morning EVERYBODY,

    This is ONE of the GREATEST articles I have EVER read       . May be because I can IDENTIFY myself with the AUTHOR. I am an INDEPENDENT and OUTSPOKEN woman. I do NOT condone NONSENSE from ANY MAN and that will NEVER change. I am a PROUD FEMINIST, if you cannot accept that FACT please TAKE the DOOR. Why should I live in the SHADOW of a man? SORRY I don’t get it. We are ALL human beings and we all have DREAMS and ASPIRATIONS. My DREAMS, ASPIRATIONS and EXPECTATIONS are VALID… at least to ME. African roles my FOOT! I do NOT belong in the KITCHEN, infact I HATES that role, but I like EATING though , so Mr. RIGHT I hope you are ABLE to the TASK   . Have a nice day and stay BLESSED 🙂 🙂 🙂

    • justsaying

      November 17, 2016 at 11:39 am

      Remain like that and remain alone for ever. Who will condone such arrogant behaviour? Because ‘this is the way you are’, people have to take you as you are. Will you condone such behaviour from a man? Rubbish. A lot of women will remain lonely and single throughtout thier lives. Awon onirau

  15. tyna

    November 17, 2016 at 9:28 am

    @ogeadiro, you spoke well. @warrichic: you can’t generalize that all men are not advised to man up. A good man from a good home, raised well- either by one or both parent that understand value of responsibility and honour. Won’t act in these vices you ve outlined. My dear ladies, there are good men, guys, boys What ever you term them as, & that are around you. They are not perfect that won’t fit into your specs perfectly. But when it’s right I hope you ‘ll hand them desame grace you also require/demand for your imperfections to be overlooked/accepted …
    Lastly either you choose to be married, unmarried, partnership, co- parenting, open marriage and etc you are responsible for your life in entirety in all ramifications. Let’s never ever forget that. …understanding this will guide you in all of your decisions either great,flimsy or small to the tiniest details.
    I wish us all the best.

  16. tyna

    November 17, 2016 at 9:29 am

    *they

  17. The Real Oma

    November 17, 2016 at 11:13 am

    Asake, i like your honesty. Thank you for sharing this.
    I am far from typical, but my peculiarities are not nearly as obvious as yours. Like you, i could settle, i get chances to settle all the time, but i CAN’T. I love ME too much to.
    I still hoping there is someone out there made for me. But even if there isn’t i am committed to living my BEST life.

  18. Richards

    November 17, 2016 at 12:46 pm

    I read through most of the comments and discovered a lot of feminists forming Bruce Lee,marriage is a commitment that requires sacrifice from either parties.,Majority of ladies on this blog forming feminist here are like Jellyfish in their respective affairs , they rants only on social media…Asake needs to be loved the way she’s package bt some traits has to be adjusted just like you expect a dude to Man-up to certain standards

  19. Voltaire

    November 17, 2016 at 2:48 pm

    Asake you’re not alone as the comments show. This is my first comment on Bella Naija but I just had to say, hang in there. Oscar Wilde said, “Be yourself…everyone is already taken.” I was often told that I’m “too much”, “too opinionated” and (allegedly) overly confident simply because I am self-aware and confident. I was asked how I’d ever get married. BUT, the God who made me wonderfully and fearfully sent me a husband that not only likes the person I am, he celebrates my confidence and inspires me to be more. If I listened to the masses I’d have married someone who would have trimmed down the best of me and molded me into something God didn’t make. Be aware of your negatives and work on them for your own good but if the complaint is that you don’t fit into an arbitrarily-decided mould?! Girl! -_- Also I think more women need to be more open. We tend to prioritise credentials over connections. Sometimes the love of your life doesn’t come with a bell.

    • Yebo

      November 18, 2016 at 2:08 pm

      May God bless you for this comment.

  20. deedee

    November 17, 2016 at 4:16 pm

    LETS NOT generalise.. there are quite a number of African men that love african women that are outspoken and the likes of what you are.. so calm down the one for you will find you and accept your whole “PACKAGE’

  21. Sisi

    November 17, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    I totally understand this article, but think it will helpful to point out that marriage requires compromise by both parties on soooooooo many different things. Everything should not a be a battle to be right or remain unchanged – there will be circumstances where you might have to change, adapt and bend slightly because it’s not all about you anymore rather there is a greater purpose and overall goal. This is all done in agreement with someone who you believe worth it, worth the compromise (not about senile things I hope such as my haircut and old rants on facebooking) rather important things, make or break things, life shifting things, life enhancing things. I feel as though sometimes under the independent woman/feminist tag one can easily end up coming across harsh – truly harsh people whether male or female aren’t particularly desireable. The one for you is willing and happy to get a deeper understanding of you and everything that makes you rant, tick and influences even the seemingly small decisions around hairstyle. Ladies please don’t settle but please don’t imagine marriage as this fixed thing where individuality is still the number 1 priority. From my understanding it isn’t and shouldn’t be – that would be selfishness from whichever party. Learn and evolve if needs be, not every critique requires brash defence, rather internal evaluation.

  22. anonymous

    November 17, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    Lol most girls here are just saying u have to bend a little, u have to adjust a little. I understand compromise too. Personality is never something u need to comprise because once u do thats a piece of urself yo will never get back and believe it or not at a point you’ll come to resent the person who caused it hence divorce. its either you accept it or u let it go. as for the author I know a lot of guys who will jump at her beck and call because their are tired of conformity. Most guys no longer want traditional, they want trending believe me. Nigeria society thrive a lot in trying to define a person and which leads to a lot of pretence and frustration. When you stop listening to society definition you might not end up making a mistake

  23. Cookie

    November 17, 2016 at 5:51 pm

    Relationships aside, even at your workplace they want you to settle because hey you are a woman, sigh! I just can’t understand it.

  24. That-I-May-Fly

    November 17, 2016 at 5:55 pm

    It’s alright to be who and how you are and I understand not wanting to settle. However, I’d like to know if you want to get married? I know African men have this their stupid ‘wife material’ thing going on, which is such a farce anyway. They marry who they think is wife material but continue to chase the wild ones outside their marriage. Who are they kidding?

    Anyway, if you want to get married, you have to recognise the kind of man you want and what’s likely to attract him. In as much as you want to remain yourself, it’s also important to be the woman your ideal man wants too. That’s called growth and compromise. In a twisted way, it is selfish to be resolute in our ways, stubbornly proclaiming that we don’t want to change, yet insistent on attracting only the best who will take us as we are. We conveniently forget the frailties and prejudices of other people that could make someone perfect for us appear imperfect.

    In any case, this is only relevant if you want to get married. I was a wild child, I married a man who let me be wild, then I hated him for letting me be me, because deep down, I was a traditionalists who wanted to be looked after. But it took me a failed marriage to realise who I was beneath the wildness. I’m lucky to have found someone else to love me the way I want to be loved and to finally be the woman I enjoy being. I urge some introspection.

  25. Zerby

    November 19, 2016 at 12:24 pm

    Who are YOU??!! Why an I just discovering this person? I just fell in love with you and your writing. Thank you for giving me a new reason to visit this site.

  26. drwho

    November 20, 2016 at 9:00 pm

    I am 41, love women but I have never been married.
    Men have issues finding a wife as well. Part of the reasons why I have found it hard to find a wife is my seeming high standards. To me, they are pretty basic. I cant stand a woman who isnt fluent in english, written and oral. How do you live with someone that wants to go out for “a dinner?”
    Its hard to find a woman that has a mix of tradition and class, very rare these days.

  27. Dejavu

    November 21, 2016 at 1:07 pm

    Thank you for this post, I am 24, will be 25 in few weeks time and it’s crazy for me. I have decided to date without hoping for marriage and basically not dating a Nigerian again. I can’t deal with list of what I have to wear or do when he is free to do whatever he wants and to think the scumbag(my ex) believes in having side chick’s when he gets married as the girls will help the wife sexually, And in my head I was like ‘dafuck’… I wish his future wife lots of luck.

  28. Infallible

    December 15, 2016 at 10:43 am

    This is nothing but a self-consolation puff piece. The writer is full of resentment, bitterness and regret. She has passed through the five stages of grief. She’s at the final stage aka acceptance.

  29. Bukunmi

    February 1, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    Behht if you don’t like it, you can just ignore it and move on to something else. Its a free world, and we’re all free to write n say how we feel

  30. Olagunju Olarotimi

    July 5, 2017 at 4:32 pm

    Life has no manual excerpt the one’s religion, society and ourselves have created. You are weird but then , you must also admit that you have been influenced one way or the other. Whether the influence is good or bad is left for you to determine. You cannot throw aspersions at people who have been influenced like you, they are simply acting out the influence just as you are, so give each other a breathing space. Must you marry, I say no but if you must marry then you must come to understand that it comes with terms and conditions which must be adhered to by both partners. The issue we face in today’s world is not just racist but also one of culture which over time has become unnecessary but we cannot throw away our culture in the name of mordenization or feminism. Let us deal with individual excesses, reform our culture but to throw them away because one country permits madness is not in the best interest of the generations coming after. They tell us what to eat, wear and how to administer our governance and now our marriages, if your partner is a bully, that is not culture, if he cheats, that is not culture. I think we need to relaunch our culture not to look modern but to cure our insanity.
    Nice work

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Recent Posts

Get The Pan-Atlantic Advantage

Advertisement
css.php