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Rosemary Egbo: Staying After Being Hit

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dreamstime_m_19685577A friend of mine shared a sad story of how her neighbour damaged his girlfriend while beating her. She said that this couple were always fighting. The guy was always beating her, but that night, he had beaten to a pulp and damaged her eye.

The family got the police involved and the guy was apprehended. But I keep asking myself why did she stay that long till she was damaged? Often we see our friends and family who are victims of physical and emotional abuse in a relationship and would be asking this same question. Why does she stay after being hit?

Here are four reasons they stay after being hit.

They believe that abuse is normal
Many victims of abusive relationships have this obnoxious believe that abuse is normal in a relationship. Some of these victims never grew up in loving homes. This is one reason parents are advised against allowing their kids witness them having a fight. The psychological effect of these fights might really go a long way in instilling in the children that violence in a relationship is natural.

Researches have shown that many people who were raised in abusive homes are either abused in relationships or are the abusers. They go with this mentality that beating makes them feel loved. I once overheard a girl telling someone that if her boyfriend or husband does not beat her it only means that he doesn’t love her. Surprising as it is that girl will love it when she is being beaten and will probably do things that will elicit beating from her partner. Without knowing that she can be severely damaged and this person might not even be found to pay for the damage.

They have low self-esteem  
These people have poor judgement about themselves and think they do not deserve more than they get from their partners. A friend of mine, who was in an abusive relationship, told me that her partner always talked down at her. He never saw good in anything she did, and made her feel inferior. She said that this made her look down on herself and think that the man was actually doing her a favour by being with her. It made her think that no man would want to be with a good-for-nothing like her. That was one of the reasons she kept going back after being hit.
Her case was weird because she was the one feeding and clothing the partner. This is one technique that these abusers use to rob their victims of their self-esteem.

They have put in so much
This friend of mine said that what made her leaving difficult was that she has put in so much into this relationship. Her body, mind, love and strength had all gone into the relationship and leaving it all means she would lose a great deal. She said that nobody can be as hopeful as a victim of an abusive relationship.

Victims of abuse look for the faintest hope to hold on to; and the hope rarely or never pays off. Until she left, she never knew the damage she was doing to herself by being with such a person that saps every energy in her. One disadvantage of being in this kind of relationship is that it makes one emotionally, socially, psychologically and financially bankrupt. Because it takes someone who is emotionally stable to put in his/her best in her place of work. Most victims of emotional abuse do not socialize well with people because they have been robbed of their self-esteem and can rarely think productively.

They believe that love connotes suffering
They hold on to the “nothing good comes easy” saying. Victims of emotional abuse see love as a good thing that is worth suffering for. They think that one day this person will probably change and that’s why they keep enduring and waiting in pain to see these persons change. Maybe the abuser pleaded to change and that word gave her the tinniest bit of hope to still love and be in that relationship. This friend of mine said he would come back begging, telling her that he would change and as a result of that promise, kept staying whenever she decided to leave.

She said it all started with raising of voice which later graduated into series of slaps and matured into beating and whips from belt. At first she thought it was the stress coming from him losing his job, she kept on making up excuses for the abuse she was going through until it dawned on her that she only had one life without a spare. She realized that this was her life, it is not some kind of rehearsal, the game was on and the ball was in her court. So she stopped making those flimsy excuses and summoned courage to leave that relationship.

If she could summon the courage to leave that relationship, you can do it as well. That your friend, relative, or colleague can equally summon the courage to do the same if you can get them to read this kind of articles. Don’t judge them because judging them won’t help.

Photo Credit: Monkey Business Images Ltd | Dreamstime.com

Rosemary is a teacher, entrepreneur, speaker and freelance writer passionate about relationships, entrepreneurship, sports, self- development and start-ups. you can contact her on linkedin, facebook and email at [email protected]

19 Comments

  1. Mimi

    November 6, 2016 at 2:42 am

    Shebi u idiots are insulting Lillian Esoro when you don’t know the whole story. If it was your sister would advice her to stay. Or say oh cos of the kid she should stay. Some women are smart, you only have to raise your hand just one time. Like Oprah said after Chris Brown rihanna case, they hit you once they’ll hit you again, they cannot be rehabilitated, they have low self esteem hitting a woman is the only way they feel big, mostly they are narcissistic too. Google and read definitions and traits of a narcissist, exactly as dude showcasing on social media making yall cuss out Lillian when you don’t know the whole story.

    Narcissist fools like dude are good at using reverse psychology on yall posting anniversary blah blah when he knows he won’t get a response cos all is not well, but he got your response and sympathy when you don’t know the half of all the story.

    Nonsense.

    • Ify

      November 6, 2016 at 7:30 am

      You’re too rude. How old are you? Where are you from? How were you raised?

    • EC

      November 6, 2016 at 9:23 am

      right!! lack of basic manners. if you were to meet MIMI in person now she would’nt be able to say half of this.

      and yes with Lilian the signs were more than glaring. but pursuit of money, fame and the i must marry syndrome won i guess

    • Cocolette

      November 6, 2016 at 7:57 am

      I would say people are not in support of Lilian Esoro because the signs were glaring in form of Emma Nyra but the dollar signs in her eyes probably prevented her from seeing or she saw and ignored. The people you want to give sympathy are the same people that were saying she should check well before diving into marriage with Ubi. Anyways she hasn’t even come out to say he hit her, for all we know they might be apart for other reasons
      Emma Nyra be sippin’ Kermit’s tea somewhere and saying ‘Just look at God’ ?

    • Cindy

      November 6, 2016 at 8:41 am

      I hate it when the likes of you only use money as the reason a woman stays in a bad relationship. It reeks of low self esteem., no one is stopping you from being rich. She could have really been blindly in love you know? Not everything is money?

  2. vora

    November 6, 2016 at 5:03 am

    Mimi.obviously it is u and ur generation that re idiots.u don’t have manners at all..cant u talk without calling names

  3. hadiza

    November 6, 2016 at 8:55 am

    I don’t pity or feel sorry for women who get hit. If you’re too pathetic to leave, then continue to enjoy the beating. Men know no better.

  4. Papermoon

    November 6, 2016 at 8:59 am

    Some too stay because they are afraid if they leave some dim Witt will say “if you are a responsible woman, show us your husband”.

    • artklub

      November 6, 2016 at 12:37 pm

      That’s why everyone needs an education this kind of thinking defies logic. And takes away woman’s responsibility and puts it on the mans shoulder. A human being is not defined by another human being. Let’s learn to take responsibility for our choices. Don’t give away your right to choose! Sounds cliche but it’s true.

  5. dee

    November 6, 2016 at 12:11 pm

    In my final year in the uni, I went to visit my childhood friend in FUTO. I was to deliver foodstuffs that her mom gave me for her. in the evening while we were gisting, the usual girl talk I asked about her boyfriend (now ex) and she told me he was good but they fought occasionally. In my naive mind I thought it was the normal fight/quarrel, not until she told me it was physical! He uses curtain rods to beat her. I couldn’t comprehend! I asked her how? And she told me it wasn’t the first nor second nor third time he beats her. N I asked her why she was still in the relationship and she told me a shocker! It was the way he showed his love for her. I was speechless and to prove it,she called the guy on the phone and asked him the question. ‘Its because you love me thats why you beat me’, and he replied in the affirmative.
    I still remind her of the guy today to show her how low her self esteem was back then and I’m happy she is happily married now. Domestic violence is really on the increase and it breaks my heart.

    • slice

      November 6, 2016 at 1:57 pm

      Stop reminding her of her low point in life. People who that are so annoying

  6. artklub

    November 6, 2016 at 12:45 pm

    As men lose some of their social privileges and status due to the ascent of women economically and socially- they will continue to “lash-out” and kick against it because who wants to lose status? Just look at India, there is a rise in rape and attacks against women and I believe it’s due to more gender equality. Some men feel helpless and do not understand their role in the new emerging gender parity. They will abuse women: cheating, not committed, abuse etc, because they are panicking. White people did and still do that to Black people when they see us rising and gaining ground. But onward we must go, that’s part of the deal – people in power will fight to keep power to themselves and will frustrate all efforts for minorities and oppressed to ascend.

  7. John

    November 6, 2016 at 12:59 pm

    My take on all this ‘beating a girl’ issue? Right. It goes like this…. You touch my sister or daughter in anger & I’m coming after you, both barrels blazing. I’m not kidding….and I don’t care whether two wrongs don’t make it right. You’ll most certainly be the one looking for the Police for protection, trust me.

    • artklub

      November 6, 2016 at 3:39 pm

      Thats a short term solution, cuz more violence has not stopped Men from abusing Women all this while. I say we need to cure it from the family. People from abusive families need to check themselves and make conscious decision to Stop the Abusive Pattern. It would be innate in themselves – sort of like Alcoholism, and they have to realize that they would have that tendency and get the help needed to avoid such situations and control themselves. When people make this effort, they can stop this pattern. It just doesn’t go away without conscious efforts, and it takes a whole community to help out. So please. Superman 🙂

  8. D

    November 6, 2016 at 4:18 pm

    I had some friends in the past who found themselves in a messy relationship,one was physical abuse the other was verbal. The physical always go around talking big about how she wears the latest and most expensive clothes and accessories,till the day she ran to my place for help after the guy almost beat her to death and I advised her to leave but she said she would curse me if I don’t mind my business, so I told the guy to stop beating her, he said he upgraded her so he kind-of own her na so I Waka from the friendship. Don’t wanna be called to identify anyone’s body.
    The other friend was the provider in the relationship and the guy took advantage of her insecurities, tried telling her to leave and she said its not possible cause she is not that attractive,since that was what the guy keeps telling her to kill her self esteem.
    Most people in abusive relationship don’t even know they are in one cause the abuser creates a sweet and sour feeling for them so they find it hard to pull out and when they are in a sweet relationship they push their new partner away un-intentionally cause they can’t believe the good thing they have and are waiting for the day it would go south.

  9. Rosemary Egbo

    November 6, 2016 at 9:01 pm

    When I was a student I witnessed many girls being abused in relationships. They will come on social media to write and post all sort of things to make their relationships look rosy on the outside without some people knowing that they are actually dying inside.
    Let’s create more awareness on the danger of this menace because it is on the increase.
    Let’s protect our born and unborn daughter from this ugly omen.
    #letthehittingstop

  10. Mo'Diva

    November 7, 2016 at 10:01 am

    I love that #letthehittingstop

    #homewares??sigoja.com

  11. trudy

    November 7, 2016 at 11:39 am

    how about emotional abuse?? most ghanaian men are culprit of that… they wont raise their hand to hit you, but the emotional trauma they will put you through is second to none. please write an article on emotional abuse… or maybe i will do it myself….

    • Rosemary Egbo

      November 7, 2016 at 8:56 pm

      Dear we are all fighting the same war here. Remember for one to be physical abused the emotion will also be bruised too.
      They both go hand-in-hand

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