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Radio Personality Aderonke Adebanjo Writes to Single Folks | ‘How Am I Still Single at the End of the Year?’

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Have you asked yourself this question over the past few days in the midst of all the Christmas festivities?

Did you start the year off believing and hoping that this would be The Year of The Rock a.k.a the engagement ring? And yet it hasn’t happened?

For some of you, it is almost unbelievable that you are STILL single. Like, how could this happen again? And you ask yourself how the year could have gone by so quickly and you didn’t even have a toaster on your case this year?

It’s crazy, right? And this festive season doesn’t help because there are parties, particularly weddings, to attend where you’ll see lots of lovebirds and you’ll ask yourself how they were able to find love?

Let’s talk about this in a bit of detail. I have a few questions to consider if you were going to do a “Year in Review” to figure out why you’re still single at the end of yet another year:

Did you meet any new people this year? 
Think about it. Think about it some more. Did you actually pause to think about it? If not, think about it again. The year went by so quickly but when you consider everything social you did this year, can you honestly say you met new people that you connected with but more importantly that you’ve stayed in touch with? No? Hmm. Has your network and circle of friends stayed the same this year? If your circle has stayed the same and you still haven’t found love, then it might be safe to say that that might be the reason why you are still single at the end of another year? Think about it. If you haven’t found love in your current circle over the past few years, why did you think things would be different this year?

Have you been fearful and afraid this year?
Afraid of relationships because you’ve been burned in the past. Afraid because of all the

unpleasant stories you’ve been hearing about failed relationships particularly failed marriages. Like a friend of mine said “fear has never produced anything good.” If you’ve been walking in fear and paranoia, then believe it or not, you have most likely been giving off a vibe that has probably kept people away.Yes, agreed, there is a lot to be concerned about because of everything we see and hear about in the media but you can’t dwell on the negatives because there are positives out there as well. Fear will hold you back from meeting new people and letting them into your space. Fear will tell you that #nonewfriends is the way to go. But fear is no good. Going forward, pray about the fear you feel and let it go and make sure you flood (like FLOOD) your mind with positive stuff. Read positive books and blogs and expose yourself to more positive content that will fill you with hope and help open you up to the wonderful possibilities out there.

Did you focus on yourself this year? 
And I don’t mean in a self-centered way. Did you take care of yourself? Did you love yourself

wholeheartedly? By the way, this applies to both men and women (everything in this article does). I say that because for some reason, someone might think that self-love is a female thing but quite the contrary. Gentlemen, if you don’t love yourself, women can pick up on it and it is unattractive. And what is self-love? It is many things. It is taking care of yourself physically – eating right, exercising, getting enough sleep, etc. It is also doing what you need to do to be an all-round better person. This will make you pretty attractive. So think about it. Did you neglect yourself this year? How well did you do with self-love? And also, what kind of conversations have you been having with yourself? Have you been thinking happy thoughts about yourself? Do you consider yourself worthy of love? Or do you tell yourself that you are not worthy and no one will like you or find you attractive? What was your self-talk like this year? All of these kinds of thoughts show up on the outside, in your outward appearance, which then contributes to your self-confidence and how attractive and approachable you are.

Did you hide your single status this year?
Did you do everything in your power to pretend like you were in a relationship this year? When friends tried to put your relationship status on blast (out of the goodness of their hearts. Lol), did you stop them? People won’t know your status unless you tell them. And gentlemen, did you make assumptions about a woman’s relationship status and didn’t bother to find out for sure? For all you know, that lady you were checking out from a distance all year long has been single all this time but because you assumed she wasn’t,  you didn’t find out. Of course there are no guarantees that she would have agreed to date you but you’ll never know until you try. So men, stop making assumptions. And ladies, did you let people around you know that not only are you single but you are interested in being in a relationship? You’ll be amazed how many people think you can’t be bothered. Don’t assume people know you want to be in a relationship. Tell them!! Because who knows, maybe they can play cupid!

Did you actively pray about finding love this year?
Many people have decided, out of anger at God, to no longer pray about their single status.

That’s not a great idea at all. Yes, as you get older, and the longer you stay single, the more frustrating it can get but if you consider how far you’ve come and God’s faithfulness, the last thing you should be doing right now is vexing for God. He STILL writes the best love stories if you just let Him and  trust Him. You know what they say that the night is darkest just before dawn and while that is usually used to refer to really tough life challenges, it applies here as well. You might be on the verge of finding the love of your life so don’t give up now on trusting the One who knows and sees all. And if you don’t know what else pray, just thank Him for what he has planned for and promised you.

Did you stay true to yourself this year?
It is seemingly so much easier to compromise on your values these days and get involved with people you have no business being involved with. But we all have internal gauges so I’m sure you know exactly what I’m talking about. Did you compromise in ways you know you shouldn’t have this year? Be true to yourself in your answers and determine in your heart  not to slip up in that regard anymore. Moving away from your values and your core guiding principles only leads to deceit, heartbreak, heartache, depression, and frustration. If finding love isn’t happening fast enough and you thought the best way was to take matters into your own hands and you found out it was not worth it. Let me echo it for you: It can never be worth it. Ditching your principles and values to find love never yields desirable results and that might have contributed to why you’re still single.

There could be other things you did or didn’t do this year but these are just a few to consider. Be objective and honest in your responses so you can figure out how to look ahead.

Yes, it’s the end of the year and you’re still single but as you reflect over the year, think about what you could have done differently. Many times when things aren’t going as we planned, we like to attribute it to external factors but many times, the real issue is us – our behavior, attitude,and mindset. And if we can change some of these things, we might start to see the kind of results we’ve been looking for. Many people think that finding love is not their responsibility and that all they need to do is sit pretty and love will just show up. It turns out that that has supposedly been some people’s story but if truth be told, you might find that just before love just showed up for them in a surprising way, they had a mindset shift or change in behavior or attitude that helped usher in the love that had been waiting for.

Remember what they say “Madness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result”. I’m not saying anyone is mad (lol) but you get the point!

And one more thing: If you haven’t listened to the interview I did with Paul C. Brunson, the modern-day Hitch and the world’s most influential matchmaker, before the year runs out, please do. It will open your mind to some amazing insights! I guarantee that. (Here’s the link: https://soundcloud.com/thelovechest/the-love-chest-aderonke-speaks-with-paul-c-brunsom )

Let’s talk. Tell me why you think you are still single. What were some of your dating challenges this year?
***
Aderonke is a multimedia broadcaster (radio, television, online) and creator of The Love Chest, a hub for sharing and discussing love and relationships. Aderonke loves love and strongly believes that armed with the right kind of information, attitude, mindset, anyone can experience the true meaning of love in all its glory! She is fondly called The Love Activist and Love Doctor by friends and fans. For The Love Chest, she writes articles, shares podcasts, and produces her television show of the same name. She can be reached by sending an email to [email protected] and you can follow her on Instagram @TheLoveChest

45 Comments

  1. kratos

    December 31, 2016 at 1:00 pm

    i find it very hard to express my feeling in words(talking).. i mostly write about it or in chat . Don’t really know how to overcome this because it has cost me a lot!!!

  2. UZOAMAKA

    December 31, 2016 at 1:13 pm

    Aderonke, this is a very intellectually stimulating article- thank you so much.
    I think I’m still single because I’m afraid of all the unpleasant stories that I have been hearing about failed relationships and I haven’t even been hurt in the past. It is a very irrational fear that I have chosen to make a conscious effort to just give up this year.
    My dating challenge this year was that- I moved to Amsterdam for my PhD and it just took my time. Acclimating to a new city was just too much to handle. I’m very hopeful though because I have so much love to give and I’m ready to receive too. Cheers to an open mind!

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      December 31, 2016 at 6:17 pm

      I’m happy you enjoyed the article Uzoamaka. Thanks for reading! That kind of fear is valid but the great thing is when we identify it and make a decision to let go of it, which you have done. That’s a step in the right direction. I wish you the best!

  3. Wana

    December 31, 2016 at 1:46 pm

    I am still single because there are so many things I don’t like about myself and I can’t possibly have someone else dealing with this brokenness. I came across a quote and it went something like this: “If you met someone exactly like you, can you marry yourself?” and my answer was no. Still dealing with my anger issues and my ‘itk’ self. For me, the goal is not to be perfect, but to work on self-improvement.

    • Mr. Egghead

      December 31, 2016 at 3:44 pm

      Yes, this is me.
      I’m not sure if I could handle a female version of myself.

      Need to smooth out the rough edges

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      December 31, 2016 at 6:23 pm

      I admire your ability to look within and be ruthlessly honest with yourself Wana. It takes a person with a great sense of self and a desire to want to be better to do that. I pray you find the strength, wisdom, and grace you need to become the better version of yourself that you so desire. You are well on your way. All the best!

    • A Truthfull Person

      January 5, 2017 at 6:22 am

      @Wana, you are such a truthful person. Being true to yourself and seeking to deal with the faults is more than 70% the solution. However, your faults or weaknesses cannot stop you from being in a good relationship and marriage, particularly having made up your mind to deal with the issues. You will be surprised by number of guys who would love your honesty and be by your side in the journey of self-improvement.

      Be positive and open to a good a relationship whenever it comes.
      God who sees your heart will help you overcome those weaknesses.

  4. Laila

    December 31, 2016 at 1:57 pm

    Beautiful and well written article!

  5. Chic

    December 31, 2016 at 2:55 pm

    I see me with at least 3 of the questions raised above. I hid my single status, I wanted to date myself..away from rshp drama, I did meet a few new people but didn’t keep my own side of the communication. I also sort of avoided a lot of social outings. Lol
    That said, I’m looking forward to an awesome 2017.
    Hey Bae, let’s do this.

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      December 31, 2016 at 6:25 pm

      Lol at you wanted to date yourself. Glad you saw some truth in the article. Best wishes Chic!

  6. Paul Adeyemo

    December 31, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    Una still single because una never ready to be submissive to man in the house. Drop your feminism and marry in 2017

    • APPLES

      December 31, 2016 at 3:56 pm

      what is submission????? you are just shallow!

  7. Olallwunmi

    December 31, 2016 at 4:07 pm

    This is me right here. I’m 28, never had sex(been single all my life) and year after year I tell God about this singleness thing. I actually am a couch potato and too lazy to go out to meet new people plus my schedule and all… Another major issue is fear of these men,# the storiesl we hear. 2017 will definitely be better. I can feel it! ######

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      December 31, 2016 at 6:27 pm

      Keep trusting God Olallwunmi. He’s got you. Looks like you’ve identified a few things you can do differently. I wish you all the best!

    • soldouttochrist

      January 28, 2017 at 7:17 pm

      same boat, God never fails as long as we avail ourselves to him

  8. Bold Baby Pearl

    December 31, 2016 at 5:20 pm

    I am still single because:
    -I wasn’t social. Work-sleep-work. (My sister and bestie, had to bribe me to go out sometimes.)
    -Then the only guy I actually was ready to come down from my high horse for said ; “He wasn’t into catching feelings”……
    So I curled up and stayed in my shell.
    I’ll focus on God and my career, the lines will fall in pleasant places for me.

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      December 31, 2016 at 6:32 pm

      Lol at they had to bribe you to go out. It really is easy to get into a routine that keeps you away from meeting new people but I think a conscious effort to socialize more could help. Best wishes Bold Baby Pearl 🙂

    • Sisi

      January 1, 2017 at 1:32 am

      Maybe we told the same guy cos tha was the exact responsored (the same words ooo) i got …

  9. Binam

    December 31, 2016 at 7:21 pm

    I’m single because I just got back from youth service and I haven’t secured a job yet( in all honesty, I haven t made any attempt to get one), and being a realist, I think it would be highly irresponsible of me to not be gainfully employed and still be chasing girls upandan like a he-goat. I fell madly in love with a girl during youth service but things went awry. Come 2017, I’ll give a new meaning to the word “hustle”. I’m going to hustle like mad. I’m trusting God for a job next year, and if things go according to plan, I’ll find a girlfriend and get married. Uju, you told me to start making money first before you’ll agree to be my girl. Nobody understand the fact that a man must be able to provide than I. You went about it the wrong way. You refused to accept me coz I have nothing. What makes you think I’ll come looking for you when I hit it big?

  10. UNCLE GWE GWE GWE

    December 31, 2016 at 7:49 pm

    Am single simply because am scared to truly love and be loved. Love is strange to me. Deep down inside, I know I hate my self. Yes

    • Darius

      December 31, 2016 at 8:12 pm

      You need Jesus!

    • aj

      January 4, 2017 at 1:39 am

      lmaooo Darius stop being on Uncle gwe’s case!

  11. EE

    December 31, 2016 at 9:31 pm

    I am in a relationship but still no ring. I M hopeful that God will answer my prayers because He is able!!!

  12. Kendalldamera

    December 31, 2016 at 9:43 pm

    Lovely write-up. One of the best I have read so far in the array of relationship advice on the Internet. I’ll follow them and trust in God to make a way for me. Thanks and more power to you.

    • Aderonke Adebanjo

      January 1, 2017 at 6:37 pm

      I’m glad you enjoyed the article! All the best as you try to do things differently!

  13. Heirs

    December 31, 2016 at 9:47 pm

    @Aderonke – are you single? Let’s make it happen lol. I just want to take you to mama. The first time I ran into you was 2 years ago in London and I knew there’s something special about you. I’m coming for you. First thing first, can you please accept my friend request on FB?

  14. Insightful

    December 31, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    This is the most insightful and realistic relationship stuff I’ve read this year. I can change every other thing except stop lying that I’m in a relationship. I really need help with this but I’ll explain why.

    Telling the girls I’m single: I’m pitied. This is because I’m like every man’s dream and they just see the singlehood as a waste lol. Some are not willing to help, just being nosy, so I lie. What frustrated me further was when my friend took me to see her herbalist husband to help me check if someone has tampered with my destiny. Lol. I was furious, I went to greet her after her CS childbirth and the next thing, she left me with her husband alone in the sitting room. He brought out some stuff and started reading my palms, asking for my mother’s name and telling me we need to buy red and white candles for prayers lol. I have had many cases of people matchmaking me with someone they have not done any homework on. I have been matchmade 3 times with guys that were engaged. Or guys that I have absolutely nothing in common with.

    Telling guys I’m single: when I recently told my pal to hook me up with his male friends, he cockblocked the whole thing because he asked me out before and I disagreed (he’s a womanizer + religious differences). This has happened countless times.

    I am 28 years old, AS genotype and a Muslim. I am from a good background, a size 10 and I have 2 degrees. Well travelled too. I have worked on myself and I am a much better person. I’ll see what 2017 holds for me. If no show, boya I will have to go back to my friend and her husband lol (jk). Ejor, nitori olohun, if you know any tush Muslim brother, epp me plx.

  15. Sisi

    January 1, 2017 at 1:28 am

    Well, I wasnt particularly seeking a relationship this year but I told someone I liked him … don’t ask me how it went

  16. Mz_Danielz

    January 1, 2017 at 5:09 am

    I’m still single because relationships, marriage etc scares me. I enjoy being with myself and only date for the money.

    But I met one guy that made me think about a relationship but he didn’t step up. This year, I pray God gives me the courage to falling in love

    Btw guys. please help me beg bestie oh. Left Lagos for her trad and was breaking the journey. Ended up in Onitsha around 4:30 and Pple advised me to turn back. I feel so stupid and foolish ezioku.

    Happy New year all.

  17. Lizzy

    January 1, 2017 at 6:46 pm

    Lovely article.

    Small testimony confirming what you wrote: I just got into a committed relationship on Christmas. The turning point for me was being true to my desires.

    I buried my desire to have a companion and claimed to be a spinster for life. 2016 saw me acknowledge my desire for companionship, love myself more, expand my social circle, pray and go for counselling.

    Your advice works. And it is okay to be loved and to love.

  18. Stella

    January 1, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    I’m still single because im still doing my masters and focusing on finding a job. It has been really difficult finding one but I hope this is my year. I think i am anti social because im not comfortable with things about myself e.g my weight and i just dont want to put the effort into going out because i dont look or feel good so i dont meet new people. I’m looking forward to working more on myself especially my weight and going out more especially being in a foreign country.

  19. kelechi

    January 1, 2017 at 9:46 pm

    Im still single because no guy asked me out this 2016,.2015,i was killing my self over one nonsense guy,that i seriously liked,but the guy just chop clean mouth comot..he never asked me out
    ..i wouldnt say im perfect,but i for sure do have good qualities.i was very lonely in 2016,there was this guy i was catching feelings for on fb,..Each time i tried chatting him up,he just sounded rude.well i just gave up….

    • Kratos

      January 4, 2017 at 12:17 pm

      @kelechi, lets go see a movie together

  20. Nk

    January 2, 2017 at 1:44 am

    I’m still single because I haven’t gotten a job and things are pretty difficult for me, I don’t want to burden any man with my problems, my last relationship of 3years in this my present state made the dude treat me like trash. I just had to leave and then discover myself and made myself happy, so glad I left, I was able to build up my self-esteem.

    • Dreamer

      September 7, 2017 at 6:36 am

      Out!

  21. Mimi

    January 2, 2017 at 2:37 am

    This is perhaps one of the best articles BN has posted, so much positive vibes and authentic advice that works.

    The most interesting of all are the comments, that seems to send one into bouts of laughter. It began to sound like confessions to a priest with Ronke responding intelligently…(lol) never seen so much openness on BN.

    Well, here is mine I guess I was single because I limited my self so much this year after failing my professional exam in the UK while on a visa. Nothing mattered anymore, I just lived in fear, felt stuck and didn’t even want to meet anyone.
    I however, feel so strongly that this year has a brought a new dawn for me and I’m taking every opportunity as it comes. Amen

  22. emerald

    January 2, 2017 at 3:29 am

    I’m 28….. my Msc viva exam this week….I dnt tink I can call this a relationship…..Met him 9yrs (computer sch:programming) been friends since den but started dating after 2yrs (2010) had a break in sept 2011(his fault).he came back in2014(during the break no relationship from my side but he had one but break up)..I didnt really want hin but he is like the serious one,others want executive slave (spend the weekend,cook wash n sex).since2014 till now we hed 5 dates we meet in a eatery (i dnt know where he lives his family nothing)…..I dnt have any pic of him infact the love no frick me.the kind of tins I expect in d relationship I no feel am……the men I prayed for r either engaged or flirty (one even said he will date if i can be spnding d weekend with him cos he’s bored n need someone to cook clean n warm his bed…I lol)..my boifriend (if i can call him dst) is just serving NYSC will finish Nov2017….i tried leaving him even faking quarel for 2-3 months without talking but he will call my mum n tel her to beg me… saw him last in August n yet still calls…. HE’S 33.
    ADERONKE WHAT WILL U CALL THIS…..So confused

    • memebaby

      January 8, 2017 at 9:21 am

      lol sis, thats not your boyfriend.. pls let love find you … have a blessed year!

  23. Chinedu Ememandu

    January 2, 2017 at 1:24 pm

    Good one Aderonke. Very thoughtful

  24. Olanna&Odenigbo

    January 3, 2017 at 12:14 am

    Hmm… I am single because I chose to end two relationships in 2016…I beat myself up a lot cos maybe I would be prepping for wedding by now as marriage was already in our plan (with guy 1)…but the person I would have been discussing it with, I have managed to not even miss since we parted… so scary as it was to do (cos he made a lot of effort), it was needed and that gives me a great measure of peace.

    Whilst with the 2nd much as I would have wanted that to work… we had different ideas for d future and o boy, lets just say that seeing a-180degree- different side of a man you loved can set your brain straight. Good thing I had the ‘future’ conversation sooner rather than later.

    I do not deny my singleness o…I am happy in it, amazed by the growth I gained and acknowledge before God and man that I want a family of my own with a lasting+thriving relationship, so come 2017…maybe go to different places more…we’ll see… at the end of it all i can say that I am less fearful of ‘desiring my desires’ and ‘rejection’…they both cannot kill me so I am willing to try more…I had always favoured ‘the good guy’-cos I assumed they were a safer bet (not always true); even if the relationship had minimal excitement for me…but I have decided now that a good measure of excitement/attraction etc is good for my own soul o cos I am a vibrant handful ? and generally a better lover when I am excited by a person’s presence around me…balance is necessary for me now…so yeah!

    I have been working on the points you listed so let’s see what 2017 holds…will be deliberate bout going out more especially where different circles are involved… Ronke you should absolutely do an update article at the end of 2017 so we can tell you how it turned out…lol *wink* cheers! Xoxo.

  25. Rhoddy

    January 3, 2017 at 12:25 am

    Still single bcus no one ask me out and u think I am in d wrong crowd

  26. Dee

    January 3, 2017 at 6:31 pm

    This is such a beautiful article, I love the depth… so much to learn and reflect on. Thanks Aderonke.

  27. A Truthful Person

    January 5, 2017 at 5:56 am

    @Wana, you are such a truthful person. Being true to yourself and seeking to deal with the faults is more than 70% the solution. However, your faults or weaknesses cannot stop you from being in a good relationship and marriage, particularly having made up your mind to deal with the issues.

    Be positive and open to a good a relationship whenever it comes.
    God who sees your heart will help you overcome those weaknesses.

  28. UZOAMAKA

    February 7, 2017 at 8:17 am

    This is one of the best articles BN has posted. Never seen so much openness on BN.

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