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Aunty Bella: Mr. How Do I Ask My Mother if My Dad is Really My Father?

BellaNaija.com

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Aunty Bella is our  agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice.

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Hello BN readers!

My greetings to you guys. Please guys, I need help as I have something bothering me lately. Please guys, I noticed that I look different from my brothers. I am from a family of six, three boys and three girl. I am the only one that looks different.

My brothers are fair in complexion and are very very good looking while I’m dark and very good looking but nowhere near my brothers … I’m not worried about who looks better, though. My elder brother and my younger one are hairy just like my dad but am not. I just turned 27 and I only have ‘small hair’

I don’t have any resemblance with my dad but my brothers do. I just want to ask if it’s right for me to ask my mum if there is something she needs to tell me. My dad is late. Is it advisable to ask her if there is something I need to know?

I love her and I work hard to always give her whatever she wants. I leave outside the country and I haven’t seen her for 2 years, except through Skype. Please guys help a brother out.

Your sincere advice will be well appreciated as I wouldn’t want to hurt her.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime.com

31 Comments

  1. Netizen

    January 18, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    You are obviously not a science student or else you would know that there’s something called genetics. And genetics is complex.

    • Anne

      January 19, 2017 at 4:37 pm

      Just ask. No big deal. She is your mum and can answer that question. Assumption is the worst form of knowledge because you may be right or wrong.

  2. Iske

    January 18, 2017 at 9:33 pm

    My brother sorry to hear you feel this way. But look at khloe kardashian….she looks like a red headed step child but still happy and minding her business (though she confronted her mum). I think you should stylishly bring it up wen you are all together. Alternatively find one aunty in the family who knows everything about everyone but her own and she will open the family secret tree of any. But don’t confront her cos that can lead to a very serious family meeting being held on your head. Bet come to think of it you are 27 why does it matter! You were never treated differently so face front and move on and stop looking for ringworm in a cows nipple! It could have been a case of genetic raretity

  3. Paul Adeyemo

    January 18, 2017 at 9:48 pm

    Women on this blog will support your mum that you are the son of your Dad, to them all Nigeria men are evil and are cheats (including their own fathers). My advise to you is to let it rest, you have no evidence whatsoever to suggest infidelity on your mum’s part, no incidence of blood cross matching between yourself and your Dad being diffrent. My bro, it’s not really worth it, you have the genes of your maternal uncles etc. All the best bro.

  4. Chief

    January 18, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    A lot of women have committed and are still committing this fuckery and buffoonery act,Should all real men have paternity test done on their children? Yes because women are not to be trusted..In most stable marriages/relationships,paternity is rarely at issue.However it has been estimated that between 5% and 50% of children have the wrong man identified as their father.In some cases,the real father’s identity has not been disclosed by the mother,despite her knowing his identity or at least having a strong idea.

    Should there be mandatory paternity tests at birth?Yes,to prevent women from intentionally naming the wrong men as their fathers of their children,Now we have technology to give us men equal power.Historically, a woman could be sure of her offspring,for men? Not so much.I noticed many simps,wimps and manginas refuse to take it for fear of offending his wife.Every real man should insist on this.The incidence of paternity fraud is 60%.Testing should be available on demand by the man,without having to have the mothers consent.

    Mr man,my advise to you,please move on because there are chances that he’s not your real father.

    • Bimbo

      January 19, 2017 at 12:10 pm

      It’s funny how men hate their ” God given right ” to cheat challenged by women ? Why feel so bad when a woman cheats too ?

    • disburse

      January 20, 2017 at 9:52 am

      Bimbo you lack comprehension

      There is a difference between cheating (sleeping with someone else other than your partner) and giving another man’s baby to a man who isnt his father.

      Is that difficult for you to understand?
      zero reasoning

  5. Rainbow

    January 18, 2017 at 9:51 pm

    I’m sure you don’t want Mum to disown you. Whichever way you ask, just realise she may be offended. I was actually going to say that you should say (lie) to your mum that people are swearing that you were adopted as you look different from your siblings BUT oh dear! you don’t live with them.

  6. Kanyinsola

    January 18, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    You don’t have to ask her. You’re 27 for Christ sake! If your dad is still alive, find a way to get strands of hair(since he is very hairy) or get his toothbrush and do a DNA test.
    Don’t go and be asking your mom questions like that without facts. You want to cause fight?! Abi you want to call her a cheat and a liar. Don’t be silly.

    • Olu

      January 18, 2017 at 10:33 pm

      Is she a cheat ..and a liar?

  7. Authentic Sunshine

    January 18, 2017 at 9:58 pm

    Besides looks are there other reasons why you feel this way. Your gut instincts maybe, any loose statements from your mum that don’t add up or comments from uncles & aunts. If you have enough indicators then by all means follow it up. If it’s too complicated to ask your mum directly then email or text her nicely then ask to chat about it. She might be willing to conceal the truth from you at all costs. If you are bent on finding out let her know you will take specimen from your brothers and find out the truth. Good luck.
    In my case, it’s grandmum I suspect of sleeping with her husband’s brother to birth my dad. Don’t even know where to start from. Super complicated.

  8. truth

    January 18, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    If you want to know, ill say, take one of your brother’s dna and test it against yours. Now keep in mind that genetics is tricky, but if you must know dont ask her, that is too much to take until you have concrete undisputable fact like dna prove. there is a small chance you might have been switched at birth too, so use one of your brother’s dna to test and see if you share same mother and father. cheers.

    • RIFF RAFF

      January 19, 2017 at 10:48 am

      Just stumbled upon this now.
      Yes, now all the women here are playing politics ; move on with your life, children born in your home are your children, you were not treated differently, why work yourself up?

      If it was a woman suspecting her man of having a child outside , u will all read INVESTIGATE!!!
      Some of u are guily of this;
      -you hook up with one ex who’s still on your mind, someone u still love, unfinished business things or even a fling
      -You (purposely) get pregnant to have a “souvenir”,since u can’t be together
      -and u pin that pregnancy to your actual husband.
      -You keep it to yourself and plan to confess on your death-bed only.

      Women are known to be the greatest gossips, but when they decide to keep a secret ehn….Your mom will not tell u anything, don’t waste your time

      OGA IF THAT SUSPICION PERSISTS, STEAL SOME HAIR STRANDS FROM YOUR SIBLINGS AND DO DNA.
      But the big question remains:
      ARE YOU READY TO HANDLE THE TRUTH? IT CAN FINISH YOU PSYCHOLOGICALLY. YOU MAY NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY OR WOMEN IN THE SAME WAY AGAIN.

    • Ralph

      January 19, 2017 at 6:26 pm

      Don’t think that would work anyways. Just did a DNA test against my Unidentical twin brother and it would surprise you to know that we didn’t share a single DNA in common yet we are twins. So testing against a sibling might be futile.

  9. Vee

    January 18, 2017 at 10:04 pm

    My siblings are light skinned, I’m dark,really dark skinned. It’s called Genetics. Biology isn’t for science students alone

  10. Nunulicious

    January 18, 2017 at 10:23 pm

    Just ask her. Tell her you’re going to ask her one very important question and you want to apologise in advance for the hurt it may cause. And ask her: “was dad my father?”
    The best case you’ll realise you’ve suspected people falsely. The worst case, it’ll open a can you may wish you’d never opened. There’s also a possibility that you’re your fathers child and she agreed to raise you as hers lol. Whichever way, be prepared for whatever response you get.
    Ask and you shall receive…

  11. o

    January 18, 2017 at 10:25 pm

    Since your dad is late, a parternity test is out of it. But there is something called a sibling test. If you can afford it. It can even be done discreetly. You can get a strand of hair, toothbrush or something from one of your sibling, it will be tested and you will know if you both share the same dad. It’s pretty expensive tho but since you’re really bothered, it’s worth the money. Good luck!!!

  12. Damnnn

    January 18, 2017 at 11:17 pm

    If your mum is Nigerian, then its safe to say that you may be right about paternity. This article is self explanatory.
    https://www.bellanaija.com/2012/10/dna-expert-gives-shocking-statistics-3-out-of-10-nigerian-men-are-not-biological-fathers-of-their-children/
    A Durex survey also stated that Nigerian women were the most unfaithful group in the world.

    • Icrossmyheart

      January 19, 2017 at 9:11 am

      Who are Nigerian women sleeping with?

      Most unfaithful, yet less likely than Kenya/ East Africa and South Africa to get HIV. And condom is NOT FREE in Nigeria oh. CONDOM IS FREE IN EASTERN AND SOUTHERN PARTS OF AFRICA.

      Any study conducted by a Westerner or Westerners about Africans should be taken with a grain of salt. What was the sample size? Where was the study conducted? What city? Village? Town? Was it Muslim state, city, village? Christian state, city, village? Was it on Sunday or Friday? Did they give them honorarium? How much? Did they employ Nigerian male or female to carry out translation? A zealot Muslim or Christian to help them carry out the study? Lol lol. Any statistics, I break down because people infuse their personal experience into every study they do. No matter how objective they try to be.

      After all, it is this same Westerner who said that the average of an African mans brain is no larger than a bean. Meaning African men are dullards. On average. May explain why Nigerian women are unfaithful. Lol. Same science oh. See my point.

  13. suspecting my 2nd baby

    January 18, 2017 at 11:34 pm

    You people don’t know the gravity of what he is talking about. Sometimes you have very strong convictions that refuses to be suppressed.

    Ever since I had my 2nd baby, I have been suspecting that the baby isn’t mine. In fact I told my wife to her face that I don’t think the baby is mine (may be jokingly dou)

    The conviction is so strong and I have tried many times to fight it. I even have different excuses myself against the thoughts but this just reminded me again.

    I love my first to bits but seems there is no emotional connection to the 2nd at all… I will find out soon!

    Ladies never ever do this. Even men who have side chics rarely impregnate or have kids with the side chics (atleast in this age). Why go sleep with another man and give the baby to another man? If you can’t marry your first love, don’t marry another man and make his life miserable.

    Cos u wanna marry and can’t have the guy you love, you just marry any other guy and still be sleeping with your ex…

    Anyways the day I find out will be the end!

    • Love the baby

      January 19, 2017 at 8:02 am

      Nnam please try to love the 2nd baby oh. Whatever her mum did is not her fault. Let the paternity thing slide. In Igbo tradition, any child born in your house is your child

    • Icrossmyheart

      January 19, 2017 at 9:20 am

      Huh? Men RARELY have kids with their side chics lol lol. Ludacris, Dwayne Wade, Nigerian politicians, doctors, engineers, traditional rulers, professors, lecturers, students, laymen, pastors, foreigners, plumbers, contractors, civil servants, prisoners, gigolos, etc will definitely dispute this claim you just made.

      Men have side chics for that reason, to increase and multiply. After all, as African men that is their god given right. It is may have been an Osoosi’s given right to yall.

      Genetics is a very complex thing. You will have children that will resemble your brother, grandfather, distant aunt, etc. For a long time, I thought I was adopted because I had a wide face, almond shaped eyes, small ears, etc. I did not look like my dad or my mom. Or my siblings. Many told me I looked like a grand parent, which one, they wont say.

      It was with time, also known as aging, that I began to look like my mother and my father. Everywhere I went with my mother, they would say I was her carbon copy. Everywhere I went with my dad, the same thing.

      Perhaps you do not have a bond with your second because you were busy with your side chic throughout the pregnancy.

    • Bimbo

      January 19, 2017 at 12:20 pm

      People cherry pick the sins they want to judge. The way he framed his comment – he doesn’t have a problem with men cheating cause most likely they won’t have a baby outside ( nowadays ) . If you cheat , then pls don’t complain when your wife brings another man s baby home. The likelihood of your wife bringing a baby that’s not yours home is the same as you impregnating a side chic outside ! Moral of the story – do not cheat and if you cheat , don’t be a hypocrite!

    • Ope

      January 20, 2017 at 2:40 am

      Try Do whatever it takes man. Try make you run the test on both kids.

    • disburse

      January 20, 2017 at 9:49 am

      @icrossmyheart, you are the dumbest person on earth

      i imagine how you got to this tage with your zero brain

      how does spending time with a side chic relate to the comment above?
      you are a waste of all what your parents invested in you

    • Pink

      March 25, 2017 at 10:19 am

      Pls you can secretly conduct DNA test on the baby without the mum’s consent, instead of hating on the poor innocent child. This child may even turn out to be the light that ll put your family in the map. Pls stop ASSUMPTION, conduct DNA now before conclusion.

  14. Jamce

    January 19, 2017 at 4:08 am

    Oga, in your right up, you have only stated your father’s characteristics. None about your mother and none about your sisters. You should also consider your grandparents and uncles. If your basis of insecure comparison is that of your two brothers only then you are making a grevious mistake.
    Even though you deny that you have a problem with your brother’s good looks, your using them as the only basis of comparison shows that looks is the source of your insecurity. You better repent and be proud of your genetic make up before you incur curses from your mother.

  15. trudy

    January 19, 2017 at 12:22 pm

    you can secretly collect DNA samples from yourself, brothers and your mom and let the dna specialists compare. if you are not your fathers child, it will show. dont forget to do it secretly o,

  16. lola

    January 19, 2017 at 1:16 pm

    I’m sorry but all he said was he’s dark skinned and has little hair compared to his brothers. Except he. Has some other thing – like someone said – a nagging conviction in his spirit that something just ain’t right… Then I honestly don’t see the issue. You didn’t say anything about your sisters. Are they all fair skinned like your dad? Do your sisters look like your dad? Your mum nko? How does she look like?

  17. Fati

    January 22, 2017 at 1:48 pm

    Personally, I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

    My nephew does not look like either his Mum or his Dad but the day his paternal Aunt saw him, she cried and began chanting his family “Orimisan”.

    Apparently he looks EXACTLY like her brother ( his Grandfather) and she said the resemblance was uncanny.

    I see him with his Grandad now and Granda could have spit him out!

    Genetics!!

  18. Fati

    January 22, 2017 at 1:49 pm

    Sorry, that should be “oriki”.

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