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Cisi Eze: Go Get That Orgasm!

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Is it consensual?

Is it safe?

Does it respect human rights and will?

If you answered “yes” to the aforementioned questions, I have one thing to tell you, GO GET THAT ORGASM!

Orgasms are beautiful experiences and we know that. This one I am writing, sef, do you know some women have never had orgasms in their lives? If we, women, conceived every time we had orgasms, there would be few children in the world. Not until some earth-shattering works in the 20th century, Alfred Kinsey’s most especially, did some people “realise” women were capable of having “earth-shattering” sex. They never expected women were as sexual as men were.

Once, I was talking with my grand ma, Nne, about sex and she almost freaked out.

“What did you do to have kids?” I asked her.

As she is light-skinned, Nne’s almost hollow cheeks seemed to turn red as she looked away from my probing gaze. “How would you ask about…?” her lips quivered from the heavy weight of the word she did not dare to roll off her mouth.

“Nne, I only asked a question about how you had kids? Did you pluck them from trees?”

After some moments of silence, I upped the ante, “How often did you let your husband enter you?”

Nne’s jaw dropped slowly and her eyes widened to take me in, assess me – that baby she carried on her back not so long ago. Her nose flared and I thought if I kept looking into her nostrils, I would magically become tiny and walk into her head to rummage for the answer she was holding back as if it were a damnable secret. Slowly, gently – almost carefully- she said, with her voice barely above a whisper, “I can’t believe you asked this.”

Flippantly, I shrugged as I squeezed her small, frail palm in mine in a bid to affirm my next sentence, and said, “I’m a woman like you, I want to know”.

Nne went on to say she had sex with her husband once in three years. That is the age gap between her children, funny enough.

In her ninety plus years on earth, sex shocks, maybe offends, Nne!

What is shocking about an act that causes you pleasure? It is akin to someone saying eating is a taboo. Sex is a normal bodily function. We all know orgasms are wonderful in the right context, with the right person. If sex and orgasms were so bad, why do some of us masturbate in the privacy of our boudoirs? Your desires are valid if they do not pose danger to anyone.

Sex is essential to every living organism. It is like hunger, you know. Were it unnatural, masturbation would not be prevalent in kids between 2 – 7 years. Why do we shame people, women especially, for having sex? As I often say, SHAME IS A TOOL SOCIETY USES TO SUPPRESS YOUR DESIRES AND APPETITES. As Chinelo Okparanta put it at Ake Book Festival, “Shame is a power that we give to others to wield over us”.

Look at MR. NIGER D, characteristics of a living thing. One “R” stands for reproduction. Tell me, how do organisms reproduce? Drinking from the Fountain of Youth to regenerate certain cells that would ultimately morph into a new life form within them? Of course, there must be sexual intercourse.

Then there is this annoying double standard when it comes to sex. Feminism, gender equality, aims to get rid of double standards in all aspects of human life. Don’t you think there is bound to be problems when you teach people differently?

Boys learn sex makes them manly and stronger while girls understand sex reduces their worth as humans. These two go through life with diverging attitudes towards a particular issue.

Boy meets Girl and wants to have sex because … “manly”. Girl wants to have sex, but says “no” because she does not want to be seen as cheap. Boy makes moves while Girl keeps saying “no” when she really means “yes”. Eventually, they have sex and Boy goes away with this notion: “Girls mean ‘yes’ when they say ‘no’”.

In a way, this double standard fuels rape. Some, if not most, rapists do not understand consent. They do not understand “no” means “no”. This is not to dismiss the fact that rape is a crime of power. “Rapists are particularly abetted by cultures in which women are second-class citizens, where women’s bodies are intensely politicised, where social hierarchies outlandishly privilege certain members, and where there’s a presumption of male authority and righteousness.”

Society makes it okay for boys to want sex, makes it seem as though boys are constantly horny, and that is why some people invalidate male rape cases.

It is about time people, women to be precise, embraced their desires. No point denying and repressing them. Remember, shame is a tool society uses to suppress our desires and appetites. They can’t handle women on the loose. They would rather we crumpled ourselves to fit into tiny palms and boxes.

P.S. I love you… but embracing your sexuality does not mean you should rape people and ignore safe sex, o. Please, don’t be reckless. The point is women should stop feeling ashamed for wanting what they want. If you want it, go for it! Your desires are natural because you did not create yourself.

P.P.S. I am for people doing whatever they like on the grounds they are not stepping on another person’s will and human rights. Having sex in whatever form or fetishes – be it BDSM, fisting, choking, rough sex, nasolingus, urophilia, foot worship – is not a taboo so far it is safe and your partner or partners are consenting. SAFETY AND CONSENT IS KEY.

P.P.P.S. Please, individuals below eighteen are legally not consenting partners. Having sex with that seventeen year, eleven month, and twenty-nine day old CHILD that has a crush on you is rape even if he/she wants it. No one should compare consensual sex to non-consensual sex again. SEXUAL PREFERENCE IS NOT AGE PREFERENCE. It is insanity to compare consensual sex, between two or more adults, to/with sex with children, people below the age of consent. If we don’t trust children to vote, they have no business having sex.

P.P.P.P.S. For those people that tie a woman’s worth to her sexual agency, I have two questions, “Who send you? Did women tell you their worth is in their vagina?” A woman’s body belongs to her, she decides what to do with her body. Take your tomes of “literature” away from our bodies!

REFERENCES:
Rape Is About Power, Not Sex – Jill Filipovic.

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2013/aug/29/rape-about-power-not-sex

Photo Credit: Dreamstime |Monkey Business

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based freelance journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer. She feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her works on Bella Naija and her blog – Shades of Cisi. Aside these, she has works on Western Post NG, Kalahari Review, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, Gender IT, Outcast Magazine, Rustin Times, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2, and Sweet Deluge (Issue 2). Her first book, published by Tamarind Hill Press, UK, is titled “Of Women, Edges, and Parks”. Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

12 Comments

  1. xxx

    February 14, 2017 at 7:45 pm

    I liked it.. I learnt a bit or two .But what you wrote is not the absolute truth but your opinion

    • A Real Nigerian

      February 14, 2017 at 8:25 pm

      ???

  2. ogeAdiro

    February 14, 2017 at 8:14 pm

    I think many societies make sex a big deal because as beautiful as it can be, the consequences, sometimes, can be very serious. But I don’t think those consequences should stop us from having candid conversations about sex. You try.

  3. amaka

    February 14, 2017 at 8:37 pm

    Pls what did u write??? U went totally away from the topic u put up. Abeg. Learn how to stick to the point in ur writing….

  4. tobi

    February 14, 2017 at 8:44 pm

    Wasnt Alfred Kinsey some sort of pervert he experimented on underaged boys. As for having the audacity to ask your grandmama that explicit kwasion hummm! . i mean of all people to ask. Personally i’ll rather go deaf than listen to my grandma talk about her sexual habits yikes no thanks i dont want images of that in my head EVER. Sex should be enjoyed by consenting adults. Thanks to utube no need to ask grandma. Women feel free to explore your Gspot.

    • Passingby

      February 14, 2017 at 11:51 pm

      I saw the reference to Kinsey and I just turned off. Alfred Kinsey was a scientist who shielded and enabled pedophiles. No self respecting writer especially on Sex would cite Kinsey. His earth shattering works as you discribe them, involved some truly horrific barbaric evil experiments in collusion with paedophiles on kids as young as 2 months.. And who looks straight at their grandmother and ask how many times does your husband enter you. That is not sexual awareness Abeg. You no get respect. Your Nne was good o, mine would have slapped you into the next yam season. I’m sorry I’m not impressed with your write up, it’s all over the place. Lacks credible research.

  5. john

    February 14, 2017 at 9:25 pm

    u can always tell an article written by a lonely shy (but online warrior )cheaply used spinster probably living in lagos

    • Omo

      February 16, 2017 at 3:33 pm

      In expressing what you think, Please use some heart……….read what you wrote like it was addressed to you and see how that makes you feel.

  6. Dupe

    February 14, 2017 at 9:52 pm

    That part about children of 2-7 masturbating is actually an anomaly, a lot of kids who got into masturbation at an early age were introduced to it by an adult who abused them. When the adult left, the abuse took the form of masturbation. Please conduct your research properly. I have tons of friends both male and female who started masturbating at the age of 5 because they were abused by some stupid house maid. Please Bella go through articles sent by your contributors before posting them..

    • Passingby

      February 14, 2017 at 10:56 pm

      Do your research. It is not an anomaly. Actually most kids who have been molested are too traumatised by the incident/s . Symptoms may include smearing, bed wetting in a previously potty trained child who is usually dry. Over sexualised behaviour towards others. Feeling of shame that manifests as shyness.

  7. Damian

    March 2, 2017 at 4:13 am

    Is who we have chosen to be; it is who we are regardless of our denial of this smokescreen fate. Maybe psychologists can help bail out women from the inferiority mindset that their value in relationships with the opposite sex is down to a man penatrating them while the guy suddenly become a champ for something he should have been ashamed of just like the woman. Maybe, both sees need appropriate reorientation for good.

  8. Bukunmi

    March 22, 2017 at 1:41 pm

    I just kent stop laughing…. I choked at the slapping into the next season part

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