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Akudo Abengowe-Adebayo: On Crumbling Marriages…Don’t Live a Lie

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Marriages are falling apart and that is no news. What is news is the way and manner at which the institution is breaking. Our forefathers clearly understood the purposes of marriage and placed optimum values on the marriage institution. These days, however, people have little or no respect for marriages.

I think people are more in love with the idea of getting married than the married life itself, and I stand to be corrected. Do you know the level of planning, excitement etc that women especially put into their wedding? The hair must be right, the makeup great, the outfits perfect, the venue wonderful, the food and drinks amazing, the music and entertainment outstanding. In fact, everything must be perfect. However, little or no plan is put into the marriage on how to face the expected challenges that comes with it. What often happens is that after the glitz of the ceremony, the day breaks and the challenges comes, you see the couple falter and give up even without trying.

Truth is, marriage is as hard as life. Life is hard, but you see us trying to survive and conquer all odds to be successful in life. But we hardly make such efforts to survive our marriages and conquer all odds to be successful at it. We give up and use every available excuses to defend ourselves. I will try to analyse the various angles to the recent breakup of the marriages of Tonto Dikeh and Ubi Franklin, the best way I can, bearing in mind that there are three sides to a story, your side, my side and the truth.

Ubi Franklin fell out with his acclaimed girlfriend Emma Nyra and went public with gory details about her, painting her black and him white. In the same process, he got engaged to Lilian Esoro and they went ahead and got married. Lilian Esoro was matured enough not to speak about Ubi and Emma Nyra’s controversy, but she married him because they were in love right? After their grand wedding, Lilian and Ubi would put up happy pictures and cryptic words showing them living their lives on social media. Meanwhile, there were were already cracks in the wall, and it finally happened few months after the birth of their son.
Lilian walked out of the marriage citing almost the same issues that Emma Nyra claimed she went through in her relationship with Ubi.
My question is, why make so much effort to show a façade on social media when it’s not the reality of that marriage?

Now, Tonto Dikeh got married to Olakunle Churchhill in a secret wedding that shocked everyone. While I gave kudos to her for managing to keep her relationship out of the public until they wedded, I was mostly impressed that she seemed to have turned a new leaf. What with all the inspirational and almost spiritual messages she would often post on her wall, her fans were ecstatic for her. I got a bit worried when she would post every little thing about her marriage on social media. She would write epistles on special occasions and eulogise her husband, calling him all sorts of nomenclatures and praising God for giving her such a loving husband. I felt that all was not well, and that it was a desperate attempt to cover up something and create a different picture from reality.

And suddenly the cookie crumbled, now Tonto is singing a different song. There has been accusations and counter accusations from both parties, the husband whom Tonto used to paint as a demi-god has now become the devil himself. The most funny of them all is Tonto’s recent claims that she lied on social media to paint her husband in a good light. That is absurd because we didn’t ask you if your husband was a saint or not, we didn’t even need to know if he was the perfect husband or not period!

A lot of responsibility of the marriage is placed on women, especially christians. This is because we are homemakers, we are builders, we are shapers. Remember that the Holy book says ‘whoever finds a wife finds a good thing’. It didn’t say a woman will find a husband. It is the man that will find a wife, and she will be a good thing to him.

Make no mistake ladies, we have roles to play in our men’s lives. We have the power and ability to build, shape and make our homes into what we want it to be. We shouldn’t give up on them just because there are issues, rather we should help them get the help they need as the case may be and if that doesn’t work we would know we tried our best.
Don’t waste so much energy displaying perfection on social media, and to the world… instead of building your home. It should be the other way round. Ask God for the ability to forgive all wrongs, conquer every challenge and survive the odds in marriage. Don’t live a lie; if your spouse sees your effort in making the marriage work, he/she will join you and you will both make sacrifices for the good of the home.

My 2 cents. See you next week.

Akudo Abengowe-Adebayo is a multiple award winner, with over 8 years in the media industry. She also hosts (Love Moments With Akudo) and is CEO of SATT Media, a content and media marketing company. She blogs at Akudosworld. She is married with two adorable kids and loves Jesus with all her being. She is a TV addict, loves dancing and traveling, and a lil gossip now and then. Follow her on [email protected] or [email protected]http://akudosworld.blogspot.com.ng/

69 Comments

  1. africhic

    March 3, 2017 at 11:17 am

    Hian!

    • Cynical

      March 4, 2017 at 2:27 pm

      i was really excited when I saw the heading of this topic,see me rushing to open it o but it wasn’t what I expected at all. Akudo,I feel this article would have been better delivered if you gave your points without mentioning names.I agree that many people shouting praises about their spouses on social media are seriously over compensating for something,but calling out people who are obviously down is a low blow. Nobody prays for a failed marriage,nobody even the worst person deserves one. We are all just trying to do our best some are luckier than others. I also agree many people are marrying for the wrong reasons,doing things the wrong way,but my dear everyone cannot be perfect and make the right decision. So Akudo,give marriage advice to your kids,nieces and nephews,church members,neighbors but people will still make wrong decisions my dear……..its part of growing and living.

    • d d

      March 4, 2017 at 3:36 pm

      What is this I am reading ??? Our parents endured, so we should come and die inside the matter ?..Nonsense! Women pls walk out of any marriage that does not make you happy, because your happiness is paramount. If it takes 5 failed marriages to find happiness, then so be it…

  2. I love my husband

    March 3, 2017 at 11:29 am

    the only thing I saw in this article is when she referred to the bible as “holy book”..it is the BIBLE. if you are not bold enough to call it the bible then just shut it…Its not a holy book, it is the bible, it is life…

    • Fabulous

      March 3, 2017 at 12:34 pm

      @I love my husband, I wish i could like your comment a hundred times. It’s so annoying when people refer to the Bible as the Holy Book, very annoying. How can you be downplaying the Bible?

    • The Real Oma

      March 3, 2017 at 1:27 pm

      Wait, what is wrong with calling the bible the Holy book?

    • LemmeRant

      March 3, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      Seconded.

      Eagerly awaiting an enlightening response.

    • LEM

      March 3, 2017 at 7:52 pm

      I am also eagerly anticipating an enlightened response o!

  3. Victor Adegoke

    March 3, 2017 at 11:37 am

    Good advice for Married Couples.

  4. teeA

    March 3, 2017 at 11:37 am

    If Life is hard as you stated, then why make it harder still by struggling and trying to conquer a marriage that is likely going nowhere. No time, lady….No time

  5. Biiiii

    March 3, 2017 at 11:48 am

    no! wetin?

    • Bleed Blue

      March 3, 2017 at 1:40 pm

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

      My ribs!!!

  6. Daezy

    March 3, 2017 at 12:00 pm

    This article weakens me. It’s fellow women like this who push the task and responsibilities required to maintain a healthy marriage solely on women that makes things extremely hard for the Nigerian woman.

  7. Nimeya

    March 3, 2017 at 12:07 pm

    Truth is Love is a choice which you choose to fight or let go of. Don’t die in the process of fighting for love but by all means put in all the work that’s required to make it work.

    The author shouldn’t have used real life examples as she is not privy to the exact events that goes on in their lives. However the message is clear, Marriage/love is a commitment and not a fairytale. It is sweet and challenging. Those that seek to embark on the journey should be well prepared and be resilient enough not to give up so easily. Remember the vows is for good and bad, in sickness and in health till death do us part.

    Don’t make a vow that you can’t fulfil or better yet make a vow that you only can keep.

    Proverbs 4:7King James Version (KJV)

    7 Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding

  8. Anonymous

    March 3, 2017 at 12:23 pm

    Am sick and tired of the pressure society and women especially put on their fellow women to continue to endure every situation in their marriages. Our parents endured because they were groomed to do so, but we are saying no to that ideology. In my own case, my husband left for a project in America that was supposed to last for a year, but guess what? I haven’t seen him in 5years and he left me with a 4months old baby. Even his family have given up on the whole situation. Now are you going to say I haven’t tried my best? Would you call me a married woman? Am I going to continue to wait for him till when? I have my own life to live. So waiting for him patiently to come and sign the divorce papers.

    • Anon

      March 3, 2017 at 12:37 pm

      So sorry about your predicament. Don’t know what to say. I pray God will give you direction and watch over you.

    • tanonymous

      March 4, 2017 at 1:31 am

      I typically do not make comments but I had to reply yours. I am truly sorry you had to go through this. I hope you can get some closure garner the strength to move on. What do you tell your child?

  9. Ada

    March 3, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    This article is not balanced. Is it only yhe women who give up on marriages these days? Men do as well. There are also bad marriages where the woman is the offending party and the man is trusting God for his wife to change. Nothing is mentioned about the man being the spiritual head of the head as the Bible states. It is a joint responsibility for both parties to make the marriage work biko! A lot of marriages are breaking down becuase poeple are marrying for the wrong reasons/marrying people they dont love or have no business being with.
    Once the foundation is faulty, the house cannot stand. When people start to marry for the right reasons/people they love and cherish, the number of divorces will reduce because they will surmount challenges that may arise.

  10. Discuss

    March 3, 2017 at 12:31 pm

    “Don’t live a lie; if your spouse sees your effort in making the marriage work, he/she will join you and you will both make sacrifices for the good of the home.”

    Please can we have a healthy logical discussion about this topic and not be so emotional about it?

    • Mawi

      March 3, 2017 at 12:39 pm

      God bless you. This statement confused me. Like, really? Is it really that easy & straight forward? Can people be so naive? She is obviously not very in tune with certain realities.

  11. AceOfSpades

    March 3, 2017 at 1:09 pm

    That roles you mentioned is what they don’t want to hear.

    There are no roles anywhere. A man is a man and a woman is a woman. Same thing all rounder except that one is physically weaker and they have different body biology.

  12. MsE

    March 3, 2017 at 1:18 pm

    Honestly, she has no business writing on this topic as it’s quite obvious she has nothing to say about it. I’m shocked BN approved this lazy and unintelligent piece. BN, come on! Don’t you vet articles? What eez deez?

  13. Fabulicious

    March 3, 2017 at 1:20 pm

    This woman’s articles.Since i read the one where she bragged about cooking fresh soup everyday,.Well it just shows the patriarchy that exists from your own end and it affects your writing as well.
    All i can say is women and men are becoming more open and less tolerant of selfishness and wickedness which in my opinion is not a bad thing. For instance, If i have a female friend close to her grave because of domestic violence or a male friend whose nagging wife has turned him into a hypertensive fellow,God forbid that i will be the one to keep asking them to endure even after trying to make it work..People of the world speak up.What some mothers and fathers did was to keep.mute,bear and endure and ended up raising kids with those same tendencies..Divorce is bad but please if people will be alive and happier,please go for it..
    I have a social media account but you will never see my husband on it neither will you see my kids(my choice).However,i know people who even post pictures of their entire descendants and even display regular pda and they are still happy and very much in love.
    While we pray and try to ask God for help,remember that heaven helps those who help themselves..If your wife or husband is not better than when you first met them then better ask yourself what two of you are up to. You cannot change a man or woman who refuses to be changed if you like go to the mountain or ocean to fast and pray. Make sure that if you are struggling to keep the home at the expense of your happiness.

    • john

      March 3, 2017 at 2:31 pm

      @fabocilosious…u seems like a difficult woman to live with and one if those online feminist in adichie FC ..ur husband is trying

  14. SoniaPaloma

    March 3, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    The last two paragraph left me speechless.
    The ‘if i pray enough for him, he will change’ mentality is what has gotten some women killed
    Please give up if the relationship makes you 100% unhappy, do not keep pushing and hoping for a change that will never come. Life is too hard and short for one to keep helping a grown person hoping the situation will turn around for good. There is a saying that “it is better to be laughed at than cried at”
    I do acknowledge the great message you passed across but the fact that all fingers were pointed at the women left me a bit speechless.
    A lot of men these days are kids in grown men’s body, Kudos to the few good men out there

    • caramel chic

      March 3, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      dearest @soniaPaloma I understand your narrative dear
      but, I don’t know anyone in a relationship that makes them 100% happy. Is this not a distorted idea about what marriage should do?

      Isn’t love about hope? I don’t include abuse , adultery or violence in this.
      But even in separation from someone who has abused or committed adultery within your marriage.
      I do think one can hope their partner will change.Is this not what real love looks like?
      What we should be doing is trying to ‘make’ our partners change. That isn’t LOVE. That is control and nobody wants to be controlled or manipulated to change.
      We talk about what real LOVE feels like, but not enough on what LOVE looks like.
      The real question is what does hoping for someone look like?
      What are the practical aspects of hope.
      What do we do whilst we are hoping?
      I think we all have a fantasy that people change immediately? It takes a while for adults to change. BUT LOVE should help us endure until that time
      We are our generation of instant gratification which has found its way into our ideology of what LOVE and relationships should be about.

    • caramel chic

      March 3, 2017 at 2:30 pm

      typo *shouldn’t*

  15. Caramel chic

    March 3, 2017 at 1:28 pm

    Oh dearest Akudo,
    I must be honest with you, I am deeply grieved by this article. I hope I con convey my qualms in an enlightened manner. I am reminded of the woman I call my Grandmother Maya Angelou.

    I am not my sisters keeper, I am my sister.

    The biggest lie that has raged the land of Nigeria and is mostly spread by the one I call woman is the idea of a family stability and happiness being the responsibility of the Woman.

    This is a big old lie, it is a millennial lie, it is a rich people lie and also a poor people lie. It is a mainland lie and it is Victoria Island lie. It is a northern lie and a southern lie. Sadly it is a lie that has destroyed families and generations after.

    I understand your heart. But you have literally pulled out a scripture and adapted it to this circumstance. This lie is conveyed to masses of women every Sunday. It is not theological correct either. The Bible has never requested for a woman to be responsible for her home. The book of Peter and Corinthians urges men to actually be the one who lead their family. But more importantly it brings the union of marriage equally. If we are to decide to follow the faith of Christianity we can’t continue to pertrude it with the Nigeria culture. Infusing nigeiran culture and ideologies into Christianity is creating are calamity of zombies. Following each other into disruptive paths.

    I’m also rather intrigued to why you would use these celebrity refrences as are case study. We all know if truth be told we know absoloutely nothing!! Zero about these couples marriage. And more importantly why should we? It would have been more favourable to use an example from your own circle of friends.

    This article also reminded of a culture nuance that hasn’t helped us aa a community. The need to be so concerned with the lives of people we do not know. To be nosey into other peoples lives. To be so concerned to give an external public opinion of others and theor challeneges. Yet hide and cover our own in secrecy. When do we become the community who sharpens one another and help one another to become better in the midst of the fall not just the glory.

    I don’t think I can say much about advising people on marriage. But I will say this. If only we would invest in advising people to be better individuals first. To be emotionally and socially strong. If we would raise our children to focus on their desire to be better in Character and deed. Not just better in being rich or famous.

    My dear sisters in broken situations I ask you to
    1. Seek wise counsel. An older woman who can advice you.. do not live in slumber. It doesn’t pass on its own. You have to put the work in.

    I love you my African sisters. We will all rise one day. Together and in love.

    • Ayomikun

      March 3, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      God bless you

    • Hawt Talk WIth Tosan

      March 3, 2017 at 6:39 pm

      Well said babe. This is how I see it…the Bible says the man is the head of the family abi? Now if a company fails who is to blame? Shebi na the CEO? #dropsmic

  16. Jahzmene

    March 3, 2017 at 1:40 pm

    Our forefathers did not place any value on marriage neither did a lot of them know the sacredness of marriage.. They mostly married for procreation, every other thing was inconsequential….
    Our foremothers knew no other way but to be silent and all enduring to the death… A lot of them lived in terror and horror…. A lot of them died despicable deaths…it was a time of silent sufferings and mumbled complains.
    So when I hear people say our forefathers this.. Our forefathers that…it irks me!
    Our presentmothers have learnt to not endure some certain things to death.. We have learnt to speak up.. Cry out.. Run. Flee as the case may require and rightfully so!!
    It was not better in the days of old…. It was only better in terms of silent deaths… And by better, I mean worse!

  17. john

    March 3, 2017 at 1:55 pm

    A lot of men these days are kids in grown men’s body, Kudos to the few good men out there…………
    and alot of women are selfish,greedy, shallow , delusional, entitiled femtards who believes the world revolves around them until they have a very rude awakening , kudus to the few good nigerian women out there

  18. john

    March 3, 2017 at 1:56 pm

    A lot of men these days are kids in grown men’s body, Kudos to the few good men out there…………
    and alot of women are selfish,greedy, shallow , delusional, entitiled man- hating femtards who believes the world revolves around them until they have a very rude awakening , kudus to the few good nigerian women out there

    • Trina

      March 3, 2017 at 2:37 pm

      We heard you the first time.

      Oponu.

  19. Moving on Swiftly

    March 3, 2017 at 1:58 pm

    Please do not bother coming next week to spew similar nonsense.

  20. Nonye

    March 3, 2017 at 2:13 pm

    What is wrong with this article I ask? Someone’s comment even referred the piece as “lazy” the same people bashing the article have been singing and praising toke . I’m really worried and marvelled at the people mindset these days. The truth is that lot of young unmarried fellows do not know what marriage is and are not bothered , rather they are looking forward their wedding days , how glamourous it would be and all. Lots of unmarried ones desperately want to just cos they can’t wait to show off their boo and post stories on social media peeps are so shallow minded these days. No one is asking the woman to endure till death but whether u like it or not the woman have her part to play as the anchor of the home

    • Nda Letty

      March 3, 2017 at 2:38 pm

      The man is the head of the home and we’re supposed to obey him but he plays no role if we are the ones who anchor the home by doing all the keeping and anchoring of the home as he misbehaves while we also do all the cooking, cleaning, child rearing, etc. Your argument shows that you agree with aikido because you believe that being in an abusive marriage is better that being divorced or separated. So toke should have stayed in that marriage? Tell me, be very honest, are you married? Now, let me tell you. Go to church and meet all those women at charismatics that have been praying for decades about their husbands, the men never change. The beaters still eat and the adulterers keep cheating until they dry up. Heaven helps those who help themselves, and this Nigerian obsession with marriage is idolatry, when you live all your life to please a man and to endure his antics, as opposed to living a life doing nothing but pleasing God. Your husband is a good man because he’s a good man, not because you dedicate all your life to watching War Room and charismatic renewal and allow him get away with anything because you think that is submission. The things my mum tolerated upon her silence and prayer NEVER stopped. My dad only stopped cheating when he was too old. Men that beat their wives only stop when the woman dies or when the man becomes too old to beat. My husband respects me because he respects me, not because of any thing I do. People are angry because it’s placing unnecessary pressure on people in toxic relationships to remain there. Ronke shonde remained there, now she is dead and gone. My aunt remained there, now she has HIV. Akudo was the one who wrote that she makes fresh soup everyday and does literally EVERYTHING at home. You think that increases a man’s respect for you? No, it doesn’t. That’s her choice, but it won’t make your husband behave, and she shouldn’t impose it on others. We came to this world to serve God, not to be married. Nigerians attitude to marriage is actually idolatry

    • @Nonye

      March 3, 2017 at 2:41 pm

      Thank you very much, these days we bash people that say the truth just because it is not politically correct. the truth remains regardless.

      Pick what you can from the article and leave the rest for the trash. Marriage ain’t fairy tales, Its a call to responsibility for both men and women. regardless of the role you play you cannot be selfish and be married it just doesn’t work that way.

      The main thing wrong with this article is the examples used.

  21. funmilola

    March 3, 2017 at 2:34 pm

    I’ve never enjoyed reading akudo’s articles,like she writes in a rush.
    my two cents too

  22. Nda Letty

    March 3, 2017 at 2:53 pm

    Lool like akudo cares about all this criticism anyway. What she knows is that she is married, and she must remain married, even if she has to cook 3 pots of fresh soup everyday. To some people, being married is the ultimate goal, and while I don’t understand it, I must respect it. However, I wish that people like Akudo who have such traditional values are more respectful of other people’s decisions to value their own life over being married. We all know that many marriages last in Nigeria because the woman has decided to remain there at all costs, and not because the marriage is healthy or functional, so let’s stop acting like there’s something about being married that makes us better or wiser than women who have decided to opt out. Do you know how many times your aunt’s “brief illness” that killed her was HIV that she got from her husband who was aware of the predicament and was treating himself? Neglect, verbal and physical abuse do much more to a person’s psyche than Nigerians are willing to admit. Which is why we often focus more on the victim’s deciding to give up than on the perpetrator’s maltreatment of their victim and their general unwillingness to change. It’s not by tolerating adultery that you’ll go to heaven

  23. Optimus Prime

    March 3, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    There’s nothing wrong with the article. You people just like to get offended by the merest of issue. The only people who should complain about the article are non-Christians.

    She said “A lot of responsibility in the marriage is placed on the woman – especially Christians”. There’s a lot of truth in that statement and she argued from that premise.

    I think the major problem of the average Nigerian on this blog is the lack of cognitive reasoning. Someone wrote an article. If you don’t like the tone of it, move to the next one. If you don’t have something nice to say then put a sock in it.

    • caramel chic

      March 3, 2017 at 3:07 pm

      Hi @Optimus Prime

      I genuinely want to be enlightened. Could you kindly break down and show me the ‘a lot of truth to this statement part’ ? I don’t see the truth in this article at all.

    • Optimus Prime

      March 3, 2017 at 3:29 pm

      The Bible places a huge responsibility on women to make the marriage work. In the book of Genesis 3:16…..”your desire will be for your husband and he will RULE over you.”

      There are about 15 different verses in the Bible where wives were adjured to submit to their husbands. Therefore, from the perspective of a staunch Christian, the responsibility placed on a woman is huge.

    • Anon

      March 3, 2017 at 3:46 pm

      Optimus prime didn’t God die so He could renew us from all these curses? Your desire for your husband and him being at the top… please how does that link to staying in a disfunctional marriage? Look at the power Sarah had in her marriage with Abraham. Why does no one remember that? Women are not in this world to suffer or endure through bad marriages. If you want to, let that be your choice, you and Akudo shouldn’t act like it’s the “right” way or the “only” way. Because it’s not, and it’s wrong to pressure women into staying in abusive situations

    • caramel chic

      March 3, 2017 at 5:15 pm

      But submitting does not mean you take the responsibility of a household. It doesn’t say that at all.. I am still confused to where this theology and interpretation comes from.

  24. tunmi

    March 3, 2017 at 3:05 pm

    That picture looks good. You found your angles and lighting. At least you’ve found something useful

    • Anon

      March 3, 2017 at 5:43 pm

      Ha! Ha! tunmi

  25. Tolu

    March 3, 2017 at 3:28 pm

    I’m not the one to knock people’s efforts by like some people already commented above, why put so much work on the woman?
    Did the woman marry herself? Or did she marry a baby that she would have to do all the work?

    I see “the woman is supposed to build the house” all time & wonder what the man is supposed to do; appreciate her with constant slaps & sprinkle STDs once in a while?
    I’d like to see for once that the truth be told; a marriage cannot work based on just one person’s (be it husband or wife) efforts. Both of them have to make a choice to make it work.
    You can only force a camel to the river, you cannot force it to drink.
    No matter how much you want a marriage to work, if the other person doesn’t want it, all your efforts will be futile.

    And oh, it is so so wrong for you to use those two people as examples, like you said, there are always three sides to a story, and since you do not know the truth, you should have just let them be!

  26. We the readers of BN

    March 3, 2017 at 3:39 pm

    BN this article was an individuals not just harsh but speculative, careless and castigating opinion on the real lives of real people which without tact or filter she has publicly written on. I am disappointed that you have released this type of direct attack on your platform. I read a similar piece on LI dissecting the timeline of a celebrity mentioned here compared to the unhappy events of her marriage. This is a personal affront on people’s personal lives. It adds no value except to devalue the grief in another’s home as if every home doesn’t experience periods of ups and downs. I am disappointed in this platform and as a reader don’t expect to find mine or the personal lives of others judged and diminished like this. Please withdraw this write up.

  27. Ajala & Foodie

    March 3, 2017 at 3:55 pm

    The first thing I read that already made me “wan kain” was when the author referred to marriage has an INSTITUTION. Since author spoke has a Christian and I am one, I will respond as one, God does not create institutions, God’s goal from creation has always been relationships I.e marriage is a relationship at least that is the purpose for which it was created.

    Institutions means rules and hierarchical roles, which is really the human’s way of imposing authority on another. Relationship unlike every institution is NEVER about power or authority, it is about service. Institutions limit (by their rules), love (which is the basis of relationship) is “unlimiting”. This is the first and probably major misconception many have about marriage and a major contributor to the break down of marriages. I will not even go into the whole submission (that many are quick to quote) deal but I will only say this like W. P Young said in his book (The Shack), “Submission is not about authority and it is not about obedience; it is all about relationships of love and respect”. BTW, this is a GREAT book and I will highly recommend it.

    May God help us all!!!

  28. We the readers of BN

    March 3, 2017 at 4:09 pm

    There are only two sides to these stories Writer and trust me your side is not one of them. Who does you realise analysis of the subjective, uninformed angles to people’s personal lives really serve? Will it make you feel more secure from the problems you think they have? You have turned the habits of uncensored gossip and the sadistic tendencies of bed side anonymous commenters into this shallow, uninformed gossip column you think people will enjoy? I am appalled. Not impressed. Imagine if it were your name in bold black ink with another thoughtless, tactless person analysing your husband and family. You sound entitled as if the secret details of these people’s lives should have been shared with you like I am sure you are sharing with us. If you are so adept are judging people for their lives, then let me judge your petiness. Where did you throw the “judge not” in your bible or the part that says you who practise certain things should not look down on those who don’t. Do you think it is by calculation? Are you saying that this people saw the future and happily chose these outcomes for themselves? You are not better than them, you don’t have two heads more than them. They are only going through their own process as everyone else does. The medium maybe different for you but for them this are the experiences it will take for whatever God wants to work in the. Mind your business. Gbeborun! Analyser! Case studier! Olofofo!

  29. Optimus Prime

    March 3, 2017 at 4:11 pm

    @Anon(3.46pm)
    We weren’t renewed from the curses(we should stop lying to ourselves that we were). Men still have to work extremely hard to make ends meet. If we were renewed, the excruciating pain women go through during child birth(which sometimes leads to death) wouldn’t exist. If Sarah had any power at all, she would have brought another man into the house to get the child she wanted so desperately.

    No one is asking anyone to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. All I am saying is the Bible is patriarchal and abusive husbands use the texts in the Bible to perpetrate their evil deeds. The responsibility the Bible placed on a woman in her marriage is very huge. You can do your own findings and I am sure you will realise the Bible was predominantly written in a patriarchal context.

    • It IS FINISHED

      March 3, 2017 at 5:23 pm

      Darling the curse of man was that thorns and thistles will spring forth from the earth. When Noah was born, his father names him Noah because he was to repel the curse from the earth and after his burnt offering upon surviving the flood, God said he will no longer curse the earth for man’s sake but so long as the earth remains, seed time and harvest shall not cease.

      Jesus is the seed of the woman and on the cross of Calvary, he bruised the head of Satan and ended the curse.

      Remember the story where Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness? to survive and be free from the curse, you need to look to the son of man for liberation.

      I don’t know if you are still suffering under a curse, but IT IS FINISHED. It was finished over 2000 years ago.

      You can believe whatever you want about women but please don’t make God and Christianity seem oppressive.

    • Anon

      March 3, 2017 at 5:47 pm

      Sarah was the barren one, no? So how would she have brought a man into the household and gotten pregnant? Maybe you’re a housewife but most of us use our degrees and also “work excruciatingly hard” at work, in addition to childbearing pains and contribute financially to the household. Maybe that’s why we see our worth and thus don’t need or use marriage to define ourselves. You carry marriage on your head and that’s fine, but it has NOTHING to do with God or the Bible. The same bible says that husband and wife should submit to each other and that we are all equal before God but some Nigerians seems to not have those verses in their bible. You’re actually defending women suffering in marriages and you think that’s a Christian thing?

    • Optimus Prime

      March 3, 2017 at 7:16 pm

      So which medical center concluded Sarah was the barren one in those days when they didn’t even have matches to make fire? Just like everything else in the Bible, Patriarchy was the order of the day. When a man and a woman cannot make babies, the woman is automatically presumed to be infertile one. No medical tests were carried out – everyone just believed the woman had to be the one at fault.

      I don’t carry marriage on my head or whatever opinion you might have concluded about me. All I am just saying is you cannot be a staunch Christian wife and then pretend the responsibility heaped on the shoulders of wives is not more. Christianity and equality(in marriage) cannot coexist and that is the argument here.

      If you are a Christian wife, the onus is on you to make the marriage work. That is what the Bible preaches(Old or New Testament) and that is also what the Akudo Adebayo is trying to say here. She’s arguing from a Christian’s perspective and there are Bible verses to back her assertion.. If you have decided to interpret the Bible differently then you have no one to blame but you.

  30. Ajala & Foodie

    March 3, 2017 at 4:20 pm

    Dear BN,
    My comment has gone MIA again. I know it is probably sitting in junk mail awaiting moderation (??? I hope this one does not meet the same fate). I guess this keeps me coming back since I have to make sure comments I feel strongly about make it on to your page.
    By the way, thanks Ms. Atoke for responding to my SOS earlier this week.

    • Ajala & foodie

      March 3, 2017 at 10:45 pm

      BN naaa… make una no fall my hand na…. My original post is still a no show. It appears this moderating biz appears to be having some issues. I hope you guys can look into fixing it.

    • Atoke

      Atoke

      March 4, 2017 at 11:38 am

      Haha. Na wa oh. This is actually becoming funny. It was in the Junk folder again. I’ve just retrieved it and a few non-spammy ones.
      I’ll try figure out what words are causing it to be flagged.

      Pele.

      Pele.

  31. Truth

    March 3, 2017 at 4:26 pm

    Akudo your article is wayy to simplistic and one sided, it really lacks depth as a married woman. You have indirectly shifted all the responsibility on to the women and moreover your point on social media is largely futile in the grand scheme as virtually everyone is guilty of presenting a ‘partial’ or ‘flawed’ reality on social media- married or not. ,Most ppl will only post the good and happy times in their lives and some go further to skew the truth! You are missing the very significant themes in both of these subjects marriages which are claims of infidelity and abuse. Those are deal breakers for millions of people so why not challenge that head on in your article. The root cause of breakdowns is not due to social media posts, but rather the foundation marriages are built on in the first place and the individuals involved. Its not as simple as ‘women work on your marriage instead of posting on social media,’ because nobody likes divorce and most people will have tried their hardest, the reality is that some marriages are irreparably damaged and one or both people are not willing to put the work in anymore-that is life! As a married woman you should have more insight. not this vague, finger pointing piece. Its not about who is holding the home together bla bla, it takes TWO to tango and when one leaves the dance, it’s over. Why do people leave the dance? That is the question!

  32. Kosi

    March 3, 2017 at 5:12 pm

    This is her view and she should not be antagonised for it. My view of marriage is simply this, make sure you know what you want and try and get a partner that feels the same. When A male friend of mine found out a mutual friend left her husband due to cheating and psychological abuse, his response was that its a womans job keep the family together. Now, this friend is a serial cheater. He openly discusses his conquests in front of other people. He actually talks about threesomes and sometimes bring these ladies to functions where his wife’s friends are in attendance. I always wonder how she puts up with this – but I guess it’s her job to keep the family together and ensure the marriage lasts. if that works for her who am I to say otherwise.

  33. dhoney

    March 3, 2017 at 6:04 pm

    …what a wonderful write up Sister. But trust me, this generation are not ready to deal with the truth…I am not going to be surprised if they start calling you names…manwrapper and sorts ahaha. We want everything in our lives customized with our specs. Youths of these days have a “microwavic” kind of sense…want to put in few efforts and get wonderful results. Marriage like any other arrears of our lives require lots of efforts and investment. We need to balance our ambition with patience. You look at Olu Jacobs/Joke Silva, Omotola and husband, Denzel Washington and wife…and u shout I want this kind of marriage…but you aint ready to invest what these guys have invested into their marriages. Another point, third party is one of the biggest problems this generation marriage…mind you it may not necessarily be your mother-in-law, it could be virtual ..aka Social media. You marry on social media and run the house on social media and ofcourse the marriage breaks on social media too. Be wise people..not everything about civilization is good !

  34. johj

    March 3, 2017 at 6:53 pm

    45 comments and still increasing ..akudo u know thier medicine lol

  35. sally

    March 3, 2017 at 7:05 pm

    Na wa oo….this article is so one sided,pls don’t judge other peoples lives and marriage by what u c outside!!!!! Both spouses have the responsibility to make the Marriage work!!!!

  36. Justpassingby

    March 3, 2017 at 7:59 pm

    WTF?!!!!

  37. Cath

    March 3, 2017 at 7:59 pm

    The write didn’t dissapoint me at all. How can a grown up woman be so naive?

  38. Anon

    March 3, 2017 at 9:54 pm

    Aunty, this your pichor eh…. Didnt they finish dressing you up? Be like say you were feeling your make up and rushed to take a pichor to coman show us. Biko let them finish and then you can coman and show us the finished look.

  39. sigh

    March 3, 2017 at 11:28 pm

    How did the nonsense article end please? Couldn’t stomach it to the end. Did she say tonto and lillian should have died in their abusive marriages? Mtshewwww. Not asking for men but beating is a deal breaker. By the way so is cheating for me?

  40. Biola

    March 4, 2017 at 11:25 am

    It is not all true what if you put all your effort and the other party doesnt want to compromise and make it work i have been in that lane 6yrs now and am backing out.

  41. Idomagirl

    March 5, 2017 at 5:10 am

    Another one-sided epistle that places all the responsibility of marriage on a woman’s shoulders.
    Riddle me this, if the man is the head of the home (like Christians just loooooove to announce every chance they get) why doesn’t he get blamed just as much as the woman does when things go wrong?

    A marriage involves two adults – we cannot teach & expect one party to do all the work and wonder why there are problems everywhere.
    The divorce rates will continue to climb if we do not stop propagating this – there are two people in a marriage, one person cannot be doin all the heavy lifting while the other just coasts along, living like he’s still a bachelor – kolewerk.

    And it was very unnecessary to mention Tonto and Lilian in this piece.

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