Connect with us

Features

Atoke’s Awkward Banter: Vexing Because You Did Not Hear From the Horse’s Mouth

Atoke

Published

 on

The older I get, the more I realise that this world is not really as difficult as we make it seem to be. However, Nigerians, have this strange way of minoring on the major, and majoring on the minor. So, basic social cues, and living experiences feel like we’re constantly calculating the math required to send a rocket into space. Essentially, we like to ‘tight the world to our chest’. Everything is a trigger for anger.

Someone once said that it’s the heat in Nigeria that makes everybody angry and irritable. Maybe, maybe not; but let’s take a closer look at some of the things Nigerians get angry about.

She gave me poundo yam, not actual pounded yam” – I just started watching a show on IrokoTV, called Husbands of Lagos and this was the issue in the first scene of Episode 1. The man threw such a tantrum, I started to wonder if it was more than just food. Yes, there are grown men who really huff and puff because of food!

She didn’t wish me happy birthday on Instagram directly. She only reposted Nifemi’s post” – Because I am old school, I’d need someone to explain why this causes so much anger. I see people apologising profusely on Instagram for ‘posting this late’ and I simply cannot wrap my head around it. Is it ever that serious?

He paid the toll fare with his left hand. Such disrespect” – The left hand was geographically closer, though. Collect the money so the queue can move, please.

You didn’t tell me OUR daughter was getting married” – This one still leaves me befuddled. As the offended party was a friend of the mother of the bride. The issue she had was that, she was not accorded the honour of hearing this important news directly… from the horse’s mouth. The issue was not that she heard there was going to be a marriage oh! Nope. It was that it did not come from the right communication channel.

Guys, this is a big deal for some people; and at some point in my life, I was guilty of this, too.
A few years ago, a younger cousin got engaged and did not tell me. It wasn’t really an engagement the way y’all do it these days with squeals, rings, and candid videos. It was more like her boyfriend’s people had indicated that they were going to come and meet her people. So, I came back from work that evening, and my mother mentioned it in passing.

See, I can’t even lie…I was quite upset. I remember going to bed that night conjuring all forms of reasons why she did not tell me directly. Her room was right next door to mine. How could she not have told me? Was I such a terrible person? Is it that she felt that I wouldn’t be happy for her because I was an older, single cousin? And on, and on… my mind churned and churned till I fell asleep. I was mad because, mosquitoes were biting me, the generator had gone off, the MTN mast behind my room was making noise… and most importantly… because my cousin did not ‘use her mouth’ to tell me that she was getting married.

That incident is one I always recall with embarrassment. What did it matter that I did not hear the news from her? Was I happy for her? Yes. Was I going to attend the wedding? Yes. Ehn, what was the issue? Other than my bruised ego, that is! I was hurt, because in my estimation, we were closer than for me to hear such big news from a third party. But how was that her fault? I was the one who had the expectation of closeness. I was the one who worked myself up into a frenzy. Ultimately, I was the one who was mad.

Being older, and wiser *flips sunglasses*, sure changes the way we react to things. Or maybe sometimes, we simply get over ourselves, and see that not everything is about us.

I’ve come to realise that the earlier we achieve this higher level of zen, the more at peace we’d be with other people. You’ll even sleep better at night. Imagine the hours of sleep I lost wondering why someone did not tell me directly that they were getting married? On a night preceding another work day oh… Kai! I had time.

A couple of years ago, my friend lost her dad. Her parents had travelled to Asia for a conference and her dad passed away while on the trip. If you’ve had to deal with an unbudgeted ‘abroad’ death, you’ll know that what happened was a serious thing. The wife of the deceased was suddenly faced with the issue of police clearance, death certificate, unbudgeted money for morgue, and the almighty cost of moving the corpse back to Nigeria. All of these, in addition to the loss of her beloved husband. The woman was going through a really difficult patch.

Anyway, so while this woman was dealing with autopsy report and all that, the news had broken in Nigeria amongst family members. People were calling the kids to condole with them and ask for information on how they could help. Lo and behold, my friend got a call from her mother’s brother, complaining that it was wrong that he did not hear of the Papa’s death from his sister. He was quite offended that his sister did not call him directly to tell him that her husband died. He had heard from his son. Why didn’t his sister call him?

As I listened to this story with incredulity, I couldn’t help repeating the question: “Was he joking? Or was he seriously upset?”

She confirmed that he was not joking. He had even expressed his displeasure to her other siblings.
Okay, Uncle, Mummy is sorry she didn’t take time out, from looking for an airline that will bring Daddy’s body home, to specially inform you.

These things happen every day; we always find a reason to give ourselves something to be angry about. You get mad that your friend had a baby and did not tell you there was aso-ebi for sale. You were upset that your friend arrived in Abuja on Thursday, but he did not call you until Saturday morning. (This one may not seem so ridiculous on paper… just wait until you hear a conversation where one person is asking for specific details of when you landed ‘gan gan’. “So, you’ve been in Abuja since Thursday, and you’re just calling me. Na wa oh!”)

Ehn, but he sha called you. Unless the person owes you specific details of their itinerary, isn’t this just another reason to vex for the sake of vexing?

While I cannot prescribe what should or should not piss you off, I can suggest a few things that can help you attain peace of mind when you find yourself sliding down that slippery slope of vexation.

-Step away from yourself for a quick minute.
Strip yourself of pride, ego, and all forms of selfish thought. I understand that being overlooked or under-estimated can hurt. But, if you have to go soliciting the honour, doesn’t that defeat the point? Put away your pride, and calm all the way down.

-Try and take a rational look at the thing that is making you upset.
Honestly, if we carefully rationalise the things that get us mad, we’d see that there’s no point. In fact, a logical unraveling of the circumstance may end up making you looking silly. The long term goal is to NOT be silly.

-Don’t hang around with people who will fan the flame of your discontent/dissatisfaction.
This one may be the hardest thing, but it is the most effective way to pull yourself back from the precipice of protracted irritation on a silly matter. Picture this: your favourite office ‘friend’ had a quiet dinner for close friends to celebrate her 30th birthday. Of course, you’re sure that if girl is counting her friends, you’d make top 10. Then you end up not knowing that there was a dinner. You find out on Instagram. *gasp* Sacre Bleu!
After doing the first two things I suggested, refrain from discussing the issue with other ‘slighted office people.’ The full frontal headache that will ensue, ehn… It is not worth it.

Live at peace with all men. Try…
And if you cannot, at least don’t make trouble. Life is too short to have a cardiac arrest over inane issues.

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore.Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

51 Comments

  1. Tru

    March 16, 2017 at 11:02 am

    Food for thought…i’m certainly gonna try to follow the advice

    • FasholasLover

      March 16, 2017 at 4:47 pm

      Atoke, have l told you lately how much l love you? Good writing, wit even sarcasm if well delivered gets me all the time.

    • Ethio

      March 17, 2017 at 9:30 am

      We’re relatives to really rich people who overlook us all the time (we’re not that upto their standards). Once they didn’t inform my dad (who is the family father figure) that one of them was getting married in Ghana, they would have an event and you would see non-relatives of all colors wearing uniform with the family and you would be there looking like an ewu (they just informed my dad maybe last week),around January I called one of them to tell her my sister was getting married and she was like “so your sister doesn’t have my number eh?” and she went on to tell me how grateful we’re supposed to be for sharing the same surname with their almighty late father and blablabla, i fired out all the reservations I had for them and told her that she was wasting my airtime… I didn’t believe I had that level of reservations for them until it was brought to my face. At times it’s normal to feel insulted or neglected because it is what it seems

  2. angelic

    March 16, 2017 at 11:12 am

    I love the way you ended it with the advise cus I was already wondering that “these grievances are valid na” If you did not tell me you’ve landed naija and I hear from someone else…I may not call you o if i feel we are close. But with your advise, I guess I will change and just chin it up. 🙂 Thanks darl

  3. SoniaPaloma

    March 16, 2017 at 11:38 am

    I think most of us are guilty of this. As one grow older and build on experiences you start to know these things are indeed petty and not worth the stress at all.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 16, 2017 at 12:13 pm

      Hmmm, I’m with you and I really hope our generation does get older and wiser on this matter because the older generation can be the chief vexers of the galaxy on issues like these.

      My wedding invitation caused such a hullabaloo ehn, I cried. Hubby’s uncle received the IV. I wasn’t even in Nigeria yet, but I got a harsh phone call.
      Not that he didn’t know the wedding was imminent, he just wanted the IV personally delivered by the couple, as a mark of respect as the patriarch and tins.

      Family meetings upon family meetings. I was tired.

      Or is it my friend that was angry because I gave a quick reply to her urgent text a few hours before I had my baby but I didn’t tell her I was in labour?

    • bolintin

      March 16, 2017 at 12:49 pm

      For your uncle, that is the protocol here. You should have accorded him that honour.
      Some of these our cultural values should be upheld. They make us a big family.

      we are not oyinbos and the oyinbos revered their own culture is the reason we want to embrace it. Taking a closer look the western culture is not so admirable. E.G you in this instance you cannot compare our family support system to theirs except you are a socially lazy person. .

    • Sansarai

      March 16, 2017 at 1:03 pm

      @bolintin. Which part of “I was not in the country yet” did you miss? So she should have gotten on a plane from the US or wherever she was to come and personally deliver IV to her uncle to be? Okay. I’m getting you. I bet if the husband had gone alone to deliver the IV, the Uncle would’ve still found fault with that. “Why did your wife not join you?”. I’m all for respect for elders at all but we need to sometimes apply wisdom to these things. Does not receiving a personally-delivered IV mean that the couple respects you any less?

    • Bleed Blue

      March 16, 2017 at 1:06 pm

      Except you didn’t read the part where I said I wasn’t in Nigeria when the IVs were sent to him.

      Biko where did being “oyibo” or not come into this equation dear bolintin?

      Perhaps you should slow down a bit on the social values superiority complex you got going?

  4. i must talk

    March 16, 2017 at 11:41 am

    a bro and sis impregnated themselves before wedding lol. my BIL who happen to be their pastor summoned them to his office. amidst other questions, he queried to know where they fornicated, who made the first move, was it their first, second or third time ?????? it is very worrisome the way we go about digging info and wanting to the be ‘first to hear’ of every good and bad news….and then the chief whistle blower! SMH

    • olliealley.wordpress.com

      March 16, 2017 at 12:48 pm

      Lmao, please I can’t. For real??

    • Ms. Lurve

      March 16, 2017 at 1:24 pm

      Looooool

  5. tbn

    March 16, 2017 at 11:50 am

    Atoke, as usual this is another post that is right on the mark. Before, I used to get upset over these little things you mentioned, but over time, I told myself theres no need. Its just my ego that made me attach so much importance to little things that do not really matter. What I do now when I see myself getting upset is I step away from myself in such situations to see the picture with another person’s eyes, then I take the decision not to let it bother me. We all have a choice to decide what makes us take offense or not.

  6. Ms. Lurve

    March 16, 2017 at 11:50 am

    For the longest time when I passed the toll (before I borrowed sense and got the e-tag) I would always inconvenience myself to hand over the cash with my right hand as a well brought up yoruba geh. In hind sight I realize I was doing it more for the feeling of being a “good person” not really because I believed in it but I digress. Anyway one fateful day on my way to a very important meeting I did my usual right hand stretching through the window with my seat belt still firmly in place and the next thing a hear is “praaaaaaaaahhhhhhh” my meeting dress tore!!! For those people that don’t know what meeting dress is let me explain. It is often the very hot looking professional sexy dress that you have only ever worn twice but swear to loose a bit of weight so that you can rock it more often. You make sure you don’t have breakfast before wearing it and.feel like dying because you can’t breathe. But you look fabulous and people will no doubt respect you in this magical dress.
    The attendant heard the tear and his face looked bloated you just knew he was going to laugh as soon as I moved my car. I couldn’t go back because of course I was running late after spending 30 mins doing face beat.
    I spent the whole day with my arms firmly glued to my side (it was the side of the dress that tore). I was shaking people at angle 90.
    Long story short I never gave money with right hand again. I don’t care if it is bad manners it is simply impractical.

    Ps.
    The dress didn’t go like that O! Nasiru the tailor in front of my mums house hooked me up for N500. God I love Nigeria!

    • Adwoa

      March 22, 2017 at 11:46 am

      Wow you go through this stress to hand money at the toll booth? In Ghana the driver and the attendant both do the transaction with the left hand and there’s no stress

  7. Glowing Sapphire

    March 16, 2017 at 11:52 am

    Beautiful piece Toke. Can’t even be bothered anymore. A supposed friend or friend didn’t tell me, I know I’m not that important to you. No worries. Totally relatable.
    Erhm, would also like to add please, there’s also the users segment who know you’re dependable to get things done without pay, use you because you’re ‘friends’, and then, on to the next! No contact afterwards! What sayeth I? Only useful people can be used, so let them continue. Good pays in the end. I realize that once there’s a formal contract to any business no matter how little is charged, there’s mutual respect.
    Life is easy jare…
    Bella, I miss my bright pink avatar 🙂

  8. [email protected]

    March 16, 2017 at 12:12 pm

    Note to self:
    Its never that serious , if I wasn’t informed then maybe I shouldn’t know. Its not about me

  9. Cece

    March 16, 2017 at 12:17 pm

    Wish there was a way we could just like an article without actually commenting. Very nice read.

  10. Life is Good

    March 16, 2017 at 12:22 pm

    “minoring on the major, and majoring on the minor”…….Sums it up for me. We just need to chill

  11. koins

    March 16, 2017 at 12:26 pm

    My sister just got engaged to the love of her life, after all the congratulations, my mum gets a text from her sister in law (my dad’s sister) saying that all congratulations but she has not been duly informed. This implies that my sister and her boyfriend call her and tell her specifically, ‘aunty we are engaged’. I was shocked to say the least, that people place such importance to themselves. You’re not that important! Deal with it!

  12. iyke

    March 16, 2017 at 12:29 pm

    Someone once said that it’s the heat in Nigeria that makes everybody angry and irritable – FACT! Check most tropical nations, the citizens are always angry and irritable..Middle east, Italy, Greece, Albania etc.
    Worry about what you can control and keep pushing forward.
    And to add to your expose, when our lives are out of alignment in any area, it becomes very clear what we need to do. But we don’t. I would honestly say, You be YOU and let the world adjust!

  13. slice

    March 16, 2017 at 12:49 pm

    I believe things should be done the right way. For me o, I think we tell important people things and allow the rest find out however. If I’m not important enough to be informed personally, I will treat you and your occasion similarly

    • ogeAdiro

      March 16, 2017 at 1:51 pm

      Right with you on this. Don’t treat me like any other person and expect me to treat you any different. I’ll just drop the person like hot moi moi!

    • Valerie

      March 16, 2017 at 2:23 pm

      While I get where you are coming from with some points you made, I agree, a lot of times it’s just major pettiness, but in some instances it’s down to how much you value the person. A so called friend of mine got married recently, and while I know I wasn’t one of the first to find out she got engaged, please that didn’t bother me, she sha told me, I am not that petty but she never asked me to be a bridesmaid. Now, ordinarily this wouldn’t even bother me because I have shared bridesmaid horror stories with her and friends before swearing that I won’t do it again except for real mature great friends I know won’t turn bridezilla on me, for example – her, and we’ve both laughed about it that we are booking each other as bridesmaids, regardless of who got married first.

      To now find out from other friends and the way she stylishly avoided/mentioned the issue that she had chosen her bridesmaids, I was like wow. Oooooookay. You know how they say, just because someone is your friend, doesn’t mean you are their friend. And suddenly once the wedding planning was in full swing and the date coming closer suddenly it’s all about her bridesmaids being her besties of life, the ride or die chics, the inner circle. I swear I’ve known this girl for years and of all the 8 or so ladies I have only seen like 2 before and know they’ve been friends for years. I wondered where the 6 of them came from and why I’ve never heard of them before. I later found out that 2 of them were actually friends of friends!!! One of them was her sister’s friend. I was like woooooow. Okay!!! I kept quiet.

      Then she needed my help for a crucial part of the weeding, and she remembered I’m a friend. I did it of course, so I’m not called a hater but I didn’t jump through hoops to do it. I didn’t consider her important enough to go out of my way, and she had to keep reminding me. I wanted her to know in my little way that I didn’t consider her a priority. Ordinarily I would have dropped everything I was doing to help her, so the dynamic of our friendship has definitely changed and I see her and her family different now. At the wedding I was treated like an every day guest that just got IV. I was shocked to my marrows. they later had the nerve to call me to come and dance with her in and the rest of her friends so she won’t dance in with a sparse crowd of only the bridesmaids and a handful of guests. I pretended to be buckling my sandals till she passed my table. After the best mans speech, I carried my bag and waka. I know my place.

      Some instances, its pettiness but some instances, on the pecking order you’ve shown that that person isn’t important to you, and that’s what sucks and hurts and makes some people react or should I say over react. Me, I didn’t react but at least now I know the high place of esteem I placed her, isn’t reciprocated and ain’t nobody got time to be watering unfertile soil. When next I have big news, guess who won’t be hearing from the horses mouth.

    • See

      March 16, 2017 at 4:52 pm

      I like your sincerity. Some issues are petty, some others make you reevaluate the relationship you have with them persons involved. This is a fact.

    • Ajala & Foodie

      March 16, 2017 at 6:23 pm

      @ Valerie, so I have a good friend who although I have not seen in years but we talk at least once a week. We are so close that I “sense” things with her. With her first pregnancy I had sensed she was pregnant so I asked randomly one day while we were talking and she told me that she wasn’t. Well, a couple weeks later i learned I had been lied to. She was actually pregnant but she had wanted to make “the announcement” in a certain perking order.

      I was upset and I don’t think I would have been if 1) I had not been lied to 2) while I know this is petty, the person she told first was a recent friend I.e someone she just met, while we met in college, I was even one of her bridesmaids. I did not come into play until the very end as in one of the last people. I was hurt and she knew it but did not care. I got over it and was there for her. Even on the day she had the baby, I sent her a box of petite fours because she had to give up sweets (gestational diabetes) and she loves sweets. She is now pregnant with her second and I was the second person to know after her husband why 1) Yes, I sensed it again and so I asked. 2) she has now realized that I genuinely value her and our relationship. Despite the distance I have been there for her, and during the first pregnancy and birth I was even more “present” than her biological family.

      This became an “opportunity” to show how much I valued our friendship, those were all things I would have done for her regardless of how or when she told me. Today our relationship is better because of this. Now, I don’t do this with everyone but I knew with this particular friend, that whole lie and pecking order nonesense was not worth losing our friendship over. My question is what value do you place on a relationship with said friend? Sometimes tit for tat may not be the best approach, while I want to believe you know your friend better than I do, I think sometimes we should be checking the value we place on our relationships with others.

    • Mo

      March 17, 2017 at 6:32 am

      @ajalaandoodie, I feel you but you really never know the heart of man. You and I could have been friends since forever (at least I thought we were) but you really do not value or maybe even like me. So in dating and friendships I am especially careful because I don’t know anyone’s heart or true intentions.

  14. frank teacher

    March 16, 2017 at 12:54 pm

    WORD!!!

  15. olliealley.wordpress.com

    March 16, 2017 at 1:00 pm

    That Instagram one is something I had to advice myself about. Vexing when someone doesn’t double tap on my pictures and is busy chatting with me on BBM wasn’t as serious as totally disregarding every effort someone made on my birthday because I didn’t get an IG post. Ordinary Instagram o.
    As far as vexing because you didn’t hear from the horses mouth, I have a friend that does that. Recently, she got upset and threatened to cut me off because I failed to tell her how something she introduced me to went, According to her, I’m too secretive. Like, babe it’s not even that deep.

  16. Ms. Lurve

    March 16, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    For the longest time when I passed the toll (before I borrowed sense and got the e-tag) I would always inconvenience myself to hand over the cash with my right hand as a well brought up Yoruba geh. In hind sight I realize I was doing it more for the feeling of being a “good person” not really because I believed in it but I digress. Anyway, one fateful day on my way to a very important meeting I did my usual right hand stretching through the window with my seat belt still firmly in place and the next thing a hear is “praaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh” my meeting dress tore!!! For those people that don’t know what meeting dress is let me explain. It is often the very hot looking professional sexy dress that you have only ever worn twice but swear to loose a bit of weight so that you can rock it more often. You make sure you don’t have breakfast before wearing it and.feel like dying because you can’t breathe. But you look fabulous and people will no doubt respect you in this magical dress.
    The attendant heard the tear and his face looked bloated you just knew he was going to laugh as soon as I moved my car. I couldn’t go back because of course I was running late after spending 30 mins doing face beat.
    I spent the whole day with my arms firmly glued to my side (it was the side of the dress that tore). I was shaking people at angle 90.
    Long story short I never gave money with my right hand again. I don’t care if it is bad manners, it simply isn’t practical.

    Ps.
    The dress didn’t go like that O! Nasiru the tailor in front of my mums house hooked me up for N500. God I love Nigeria!

    • YoursFaithfully

      March 16, 2017 at 2:20 pm

      @Ms Lurve
      I am a fan of witty stories and yours here made a grown man vibrate with laughter to the point of shaking head. I can relate with the tailor part because my sister doesn’t joke with her Obioma tailor man. That guy can amend anything to a custom fit and for a small change too. Life nor hard… Lemme continue reading

  17. wendy

    March 16, 2017 at 1:36 pm

    Nigerians are very petty, bush beaters, and secretive people.They are not open people at all…they can tell u their mind. They get upset over every little thing.

    i get this all the time…. I call my relatives or village people to inform them that i am having an event. The people will want me to also call their significant other to inform them…

    the first time this happened, i was like what the hell.. So i have learned to ignore these request. if u like no tell the other peroson. na ur concern

  18. wendy

    March 16, 2017 at 1:41 pm

    Oh! Dont forget to add the calling and not calling… Waiting for the other person to call you before u call to check up on them. You no call me ..so i no go call u… Then the person go dey carry face when u see them…

    What happened to simply picking up the phone to check up on someone.. regardless.

  19. Spunky

    March 16, 2017 at 2:27 pm

    Sometime last year, my official driver( my Uncle) drove a colleague to Warri for official engagement and was kidnapped. Boi, it took three days before his abductor contacted me( he gave them my contact detail upon request) I don’t wish for anyone to be in such situation; I had to apply tact in negotiating with them and even got the SSS involved. Prior to the negotiation, I reached out to few relatives hoping they spread the unfortunate news to his other sibling. I mean, with everything going on, It was expected of me to call all nine of his siblings plus extended relatives!( tank you very much.) I did all I could with help from my company and still, no one (including his mother) said well done after his release. Lol! I didn’t take it too personal though…they heard their brother was kidnapped but not from me.

  20. Big Tee

    March 16, 2017 at 2:57 pm

    I agree with you Atoke……..but I always feel cheated by Nigerian restaurants when the menu says pounded yam…but you serve me something which is not freshly pounded yam.

  21. So true

    March 16, 2017 at 2:58 pm

    I bless God for my mum, she raised us to know our position in people’s lives, give them the benefit of doubt and not seek uo control anyone and to be ourselves.

    The last company I resigned from, my business group didn’t organize a send forth for me because I didn’t tell them. I was surprised as normally I hear of people’s resignations from emails or probably when they tell me but I’ve never thought it was a big deal Biko. The obligation is to tell those in your line of reporting and key teammates and not use that as an opportunity to discuss your grievances with disgruntled people.

    To be honest. I had planned to drop witty goodbye messages on their tables on my last day but when my boss told me they were refusing to organize a send forth for me because I didn’t tell them I changed my mind.

    She originally told me 2 days before that a friend of my was angry cos I refused to speak when she asked why I was resigning and I sent the babes a message for formality sake only when she later told me my colleagues didn’t want to organize a send forth cos I didn’t inform them, I regretted sending the babe a message, what rubbish.

    I wonder if their anger was that I robbed them of an opportunity to gossip about to coy, I was sticking to one line ‘I’m leaving from career advancement’ and this babe came wanting to find out exactly why I was resigning. This is someone that sleeps with the M.D as is the biggest gossip in the office. This is the same person that said I was jealous of her because I didn’t vote her in the office award – and awards she didn’t win eventually oh.

    I resigned, had a 3 week leave with 1 week in Zanzibar, resumed my new job and got a promotion 6 months after.

    People should stop exercising unnecessary rights over other people’s life; that Mordern day witchcraft Biko

  22. OA

    March 16, 2017 at 4:18 pm

    Don’t mind them. Some of those uncles are so annoying. You haven’t had contact with them since 19-gbogboran, they will now be forming “importance” and be saying “why didn’t you tell me you were getting married/pregnant/borning child?” I just say sorry in a very nonchalant manner and fashi them. If you want come if you want don’t come. Nobody will miss you.

    But I love the words of wisdom. I used to attach self-importance at one time too, but quickly realized I was fooling myself. I have developed a keen ability to simply understand. If you don’t tell me about an event, in fact when you are apologizing I will be telling you “don’t worry, I understand.” Make I nor let irrelevant matter affect my reach for a stable mental psyche. Plus all that negative energy does not do persin any good sef. So just move on. Now as someone said sha oh, the level of respect (not seniority oh) that you accord me is the same one I will accord you. Therefore, don’t expect to be the first to hear anything about me. I will put you on the same level as you have placed me and it should not be an issue. It usually isn’t anyway. We just pick up from where we left off.

  23. Zedzed

    March 16, 2017 at 4:39 pm

    I agree with everything in this article except for the poundo yam situation.
    Poundo yam is not even a distant cousin of pounded yam. In fact it has absolutely no relationship to yam. I read the composition and it was rice flour. So I understand the person’s vex. Poundo-yam = industrial tuwon shinkafa, poundo yam as replacement pounded yam is false advertisement and is a crime 🙂

  24. Dolly

    March 16, 2017 at 4:45 pm

    While I agree with the most part of this article, just for ones peace of mind and sanity I also think overlooking some of these intentional slights from people you hold in such high esteem is crazy. While you are been the bigger person all the time, or not letting the mistreatment of close people get to you, you will soon get tagged a weakling or a Pu$$y.

    Its ok to feel, its ok to be human.

  25. Sisi

    March 16, 2017 at 4:46 pm

    I am with you Atoke, at times it takes the inner voice to say – babe, it’s not that serious. Othe times it hurts especially when you have a different perspective of this person and your relationship. It’s now 100 times worse when you find out not only are they witholding information they are in fact lying or telling others and for the life of you you can’t figure out why? So strange but again their life. I often say to myself in response to such situations ‘your life, your rules’ this gives the freedom also to live my life how I see fit in my usual unassuming way.

  26. Ajala & Foodie

    March 16, 2017 at 5:51 pm

    Ahhh Ms. Atoke, this one get as e be o. I know many things are petty like that birthday nonesense. But hearing from the horse’s mouth (which I believe is actually more about being the first person or at least in the first set of people notified) is about relationship. There are very few people I hold to this rule though I.e my sister and my spouse. Yes, with this 2 if I hear from a 3rd party no matter how small the news it go pain me o.

    Recently, I heard a story (from my sister) about something that happened some years back with her but she was just telling me. Ahhh I did not vex but I was not happy and she knew it. Although, she admitted she had assumed she had told me. My sister and I are very close, I am the first to know if anything of significance (and many insignificants) is happening in her life as she has no significant other yet and she is the 2nd in line to be informed of things happening in mine. So ah if I hear something outside e go pain me ooo, I shall not lie.

  27. Dee

    March 16, 2017 at 5:53 pm

    I agree that we sometimes need to take a chill pill with stuff like this. However, I believe friendship comes with certain expectations. So if I treat you as a close friend and you act like I don’t matter then I would just take it that you have put me in my place. Some friends want to know everything about you but be the same ones to hoard information. A very close friend of mine got engaged and I didn’t even know she was seeing someone. It’s okay not to tell me those things but please don’t come and start asking me if i’m pregnant. I don’t owe you information and you don’t owe me, no vex.

  28. tired

    March 16, 2017 at 5:54 pm

    I work part time in retail and i made sure to not force any friendship when i started . Every day i would greet a girl who is younger than me but she would act like im bothering her. shes done other things to provoke me but i chose not to react. Same girl started acting friendly towards me. i dont understand we ladies sometimes!!! iThere are some people who are just naturally friendship and i make sure to be super nice to them, On the other hand, there are some people who just walk past pretending to not even see you. I just play along and act like they don’t exist. Morale of the story, pick your battles.

  29. Humility

    March 16, 2017 at 6:24 pm

    I can recon on so many level. I’d add the bbm dp thingy. On my last birthday my bestie didn’t have me up but she called me. We gist and call every hourly like she’s on my speed-chat list. I didn’t even notice that, even if I did it wouldn’t matter cos It’s the thoughts that truly counts. Only for a mutual friend of ours( who has both of us as bbm contacts) to buzz me saying if me and A have fallen apart. Omo, I was speechless but after enquires further only for her to blurt “…. cos she didn’t have you up on dp”. Like seriously? It was my birthday so I didn’t want to be sarcastic plus the Christian in me was very live so I couldn’t twirl on the monitoring stalker. People are in the business of not minding their business lately. As usual I gisted my bestie and we laughed hard. Damn, that pettiness be lower than low and probably squatting .
    Another is facebook, people think you owe them a right to log in everyday and wish everyone on the day’s birthday list like a ritual. Most days you have a long list ( especially if your friend list is almost 5000) with almost 50 celebrants a day. Even if you are FB ambassador, you go tire to copy and paste birthday wishes. I don’t even notice who wishes me or not cos its overwhelming to keep up with the notifications. Aarrrggghh….
    People should learn to keep an open mind and free their mind of assumptions. The feeling of entitlement is what causes it. Just do you cos no one really cares! Minding your business is a full time job and if you make it your business you better be paid for it, otherwise count me out!

  30. Salewa

    March 16, 2017 at 6:26 pm

    This is why I love you! #RantingSessionBeginsNow This same people won’t bother to congratulate or sympathize with a person o. They will make your joy or sadness about them. Mind you, you wouldn’t have seen or heard or even gotten a message of care/concern from these same people in a longggg time. Sadly, you won’t see them after either.
    If one has to insist how important they are in another person’s life, such a person probably didn’t even make the list.
    On another note, sometimes, people just forget. Tightening the world to one’s chest as a result is just ridiculous

  31. Humility

    March 16, 2017 at 6:33 pm

    Or is it the WhatsApp online status? You might be online but unavailable to chat and they be like “I see you online and deliberately avoiding me” …lol. I turned off my online status and last see but people still terrorize you if you msgs ain’t read or replied in real time. Imagine if my contacts are filled with 10 of you wanting equal attention, nor be die be that? Worry less mbok, it’s exhausting!

  32. Humility

    March 16, 2017 at 6:44 pm

    I can recon on so many level. I’d add the bbm dp thingy. On my last birthday my bestie didn’t have me up but she called me. We gist and call every hourly like she’s on my speed-chat list. I didn’t even notice that, even if I did it wouldn’t matter cos It’s the thoughts that truly counts. Only for a mutual friend of ours( who has both of us as bbm contacts) to buzz me saying if me and A have fallen apart. Omo, I was speechless but after enquires further only for her to blurt “…. cos she didn’t have you up on dp”. Like seriously? It was my birthday so I didn’t want to be sarcastic plus the Christian in me was very live so I couldn’t twirl on the monitoring stalker. People are in the business of not minding their business lately. As usual I gisted my bestie and we laughed hard. Damn, that pettiness be lower than low and probably squatting .
    Another is facebook, people think you owe them a right to log in everyday and wish everyone on the day’s birthday list like a ritual. Most days you have a long list ( especially if your friend list is almost 5000) with almost 50 celebrants a day. Even if you are FB ambassador, you go tire to copy and paste birthday wishes. I don’t even notice who wishes me or not cos its overwhelming to keep up with the notifications. Aarrrggghh….
    People should learn to keep an open mind and free their mind of assumptions. The feeling of entitlement is what causes it. Just do you cos no one really cares! Minding your business is a full time job and if you make it your business you better be paid for it, otherwise count me out!

    BN post oh, I don’t want to look for my comment!

  33. John

    March 16, 2017 at 9:45 pm

    @valerie I like ur honesty but maybe it depends on how you had the conversation about bridezilla that scared her away psychologically..all in all , this a very nice article ,,kudos

  34. JENNIETOBBIE

    March 16, 2017 at 11:59 pm

    Atoke, chop kiss with this one biko. Spot on!!!

  35. simsi

    March 17, 2017 at 8:12 am

    this is also a realization i came to recently. i’m someone who takes her friendships seriously. but i can’t keep holding on to people who have moved on without me. i was always angry if a friend came around and didn’t inform me about it. i even have a particular friend that i’ve known for 8 years, but if i don’t call her she won’t call. i just decided to stop last month. i can’t keep doing that. i’ll stick to the ones who care about me. it hurts like hell, but that’s the way forward now.

  36. QUEEN

    March 17, 2017 at 1:27 pm

    Atoke spot on.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Star Features

Recent Posts

Get The Pan-Atlantic Advantage

Advertisement
css.php