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Oluwatosin Arodudu: Should the Past Remain in the Past?



Ninny was in deep thought, wondering if she should open up to Demmy that she’d had two abortions in her past relationship. Her relationship with Diplo was such a toxic one, and she never stopped cursing the day that she went into it. She had made a promise to herself not to ever indulge in pre-marital sex again, after her first relationship with Ken, and also to keep her dignity intact. However, she went back on that promise to herself and became a toy in the hands of Diplo.

Ninny met Diplo at her new place of work after her National Youth Service Corp, and few weeks after working there, they started dating. At first the feelings she had for Diplo was like a whirlwind that rocked her from inside out. The feelings were so powerful that she was so weak and gave in to his incessant demand for sex. Ninny had expected the sex to rock her the same way the sight of him does, but strangely the sex was not as powerful and she always had this melancholic feeling after each episode. Diplo knew how weak Ninny was for him and he never stopped taking advantage of those feelings for his own sexual satisfaction. They had sex carelessly and Ninny was so foolish to the point that she never demanded nor insisted on protection.

After awhile, she got pregnant. Ninny was very scared and ran to Diplo when she realized she was pregnant. She felt maybe this might propel him to consider taking their relationship to the next level, but Diplo was not to be bothered, he told her to get rid of the pregnancy, and became so cold and distant for those period till she had to confide in one of her friends who took her to a doctor that helped her in terminating the pregnancy.

The same cycle repeated itself again the second time after Diplo walked and warmed his way back into her life, and this time around he told her she was a foolish woman who does not know how to take care of herself and ended the relationship. Ninny was terribly broken and was so afraid of committing an abortion the second time because of the pain she went through the first time. She had to brace up and face the consequences of her actions. She aborted the pregnancy and decided to stay away from any relationship that does not edify or encourage her moral uprightness.

Ninny moved closer to God, concentrated on her job and her personal development for two years. She stayed away from any relationship till she met Demmy.  Demmy was her dream man. He was godly, morally upright, disciplined, kind, respectful and very open to a fault. He hid nothing from her, and in the short while they had dated she practically knew everything about him from cradle till present. He told her about his long term relationship with his one and only ex girlfriend Nkiru, and how they had to break up regretfully due to the fact that their genotypes were not compatible, and Nkiru’s parents insisted that they cannot allow them to get married because of that fact.

Demmy asked Ninny  about her previous relationship(s) and she told him about Ken and Diplo, but hid the fact that she terminated two pregnances. Ninny kept that part away from Demmy because she could not come to terms with it. She is from a strong Christian home and good values and moral uprightness where something that she was raised with, how she went into those relationships and kept having sex till the point of getting pregnant remains a misery to her till date. She really messed herself up and she wished she could turn back the hands of time.

The next time she had a date with Demmy, he proposed marriage to her, and she was filled with so much happiness colored with a tinge of melancholy which she quickly dusted off and consoled herself with the fact that “old things are passed away behold all things are become new”.

Everything happened in a rush and often times while they were preparing for their wedding, she had a nag in her spirit to open up to Demmy that she aborted for Diplo twice but she had often heard that women must keep their past away from their present. She had heard how many men cannot handle the past of their women and how it eventually ruined their relationship and marriage.
Many times it was on the tip of Ninny’s tongue to just open up and clear the air so they can enter into their marriage without any baggage, but those advises she had heard kept ringing in her head. Besides God has forgiven her so why must she open up to Demmy again?

Ninny kept dilly dallying till she could not bear it anymore and she spilled the beans to Demmy. Demmy was a bit shocked that she didn’t say it when he asked her about her past, but he loved Ninny so much and the fact that she finally told him was fine by him too, he promised never to use it against her in future.

Few months after their wedding, Ninny and Demmy had a hot argument and Demmy called her a prostitute . Ninny became rooted to the spot in shock. A prostitute? What did I ever do to deserve such a name Ninny screamed back? Yes you are a prostitute and a retired abortionist! A woman who aborts for a boyfriend TWICE is a retired abortionist. I just hope I have not entered one chance by marrying you.

This short story is to clarify something, and to probably hear from both men and women if it is worth it to talk about one’s past with a potential spouse. Many men and women, young and old advocate against this and that the past should remain in the past, most especially on the woman’s side because often times men cannot handle that kind of  information. While some other people believe one should open up on issues that could pose a threat in the future of the union.

Should the past remain in the past while potential spouses forge ahead into a new future?

Let us discuss.

Photo Credit: © Noriko Cooper | Dreamstime

Oluwatosin Olajumoke Arodudu is a lawyer, a mediator, a negotiator and an arbitrator. She is a social change advocate and a mental wellness expert. She advocates for women’s rights and children’s rights. She is a publisher and the author of Motherhood and the Society, From the Perspective of the child, Life on the Street of Readlooks, The Deep Blue Sea and her soon to be released book IDENTITY. She blogs at



    October 30, 2017 at 2:37 am

    na badluck dey follow am

  2. Meee

    October 30, 2017 at 5:07 am

    Yup, anything you say can and will bro used against you. Unfortunately you can hardly keep it a secret especially something as sensitive as abortion. What if you have problems with child birth later in the marriage then it is exposed? The consequences will be worse. This works both ways o, even women use it against their hubbies. I know of a man who had low sperm count and his wife kept taunting him of this fact. In fact people got to know because of her. She eventually dumped him, but he found a better person who loved him despite the issue. Even though they have no kids they are very happy.

  3. OJ

    October 30, 2017 at 5:40 am

    As I use to tell peeps especially young ladies close to me, if you don’t want to feel wrongly judged in the future, pls and pls try to do things the right way…it goes both ways male-female. ..I feel the lady should have told the guy before the relationship got to marriage worse they would do medical test to see if any problem exist and seperate. Ive seen these kind of scenarios too often, churchous upbringing but living carelessly outside the home, after some time melows down to church things again, meets the nice family oriented man, settles down and the wahala begins…

  4. Sarah

    October 30, 2017 at 7:27 am

    I feel for the lady. Interestingly, i’ve had one removal out of carelessness and dont have any regret.The fact is that ladies have hormones that are in action.Right from 16,17years old an average girl begins to feel sexual urge. Then ladies marry from 26-30years. what will happen to her all these years without sex? I agree sex has consequences.If a lady has an abortion its her body and her choice. Ladies stop telling your future partner about abortion and your exes,have some common sense.Your past doesnt define you or change anything about you.Your body needed good sex and you got it.The guys too do the same so whats the big deal.A woman doesnt owe her life to some stupid man she meets along life and marries.She owns her lofe and decides what to do with it.Men are mostly useful for childbirth and providing.what else can they offer you,? the whole marriage your body will be used judiciouspy at will and by force.women virtually go through everything and men take the credit.what a crooked world. Marry for companionship with your head and not your heart.Your husband isnt a virgin and you should call him that prostitute as well.cos he is one.he has slept with several women if not more than 40 sef. Be your own boss as a woman and set the way. Men deserved to be used till their dying day.

    • Easy

      October 30, 2017 at 12:46 pm

      You sound very angry with Men. Please take it easy as it is not that serious.

    • OJ

      October 30, 2017 at 5:32 pm

      Besides your beauty (if at all you fine sef) and your wawwaw body, what else do you have to offer?? claiming men are only good for providing and childbirth..i know your type…pls encourage your daughters to shagg as much as possible when the hormones start kicking, after all according to your reasoning they wont get that kind of chance again once they get married

  5. Emezie

    October 30, 2017 at 8:21 am

    She did the right thing by telling him about the abortion before the wedding. He did the right thing by going ahead with the marriage; and he is right to be angry with her afterwards- it is normal human behaviour as long as his anger does not lead him to sin (eg, divorce, physical abuse, adultery, etc). That is the consequence of sin and she has to live with it. He will eventually get over it after many years, that’s why marriage is meant for life. Sexual past does not make a woman a bad or good wife. Many women have plenty of unsavoury faults that irritate their husbands, even though their sexual past might have been ok. The important part is the present- how your partner makes you feel now.

    • Moving on Swiftly

      October 30, 2017 at 10:54 am

      it is normal human behaviour as long as his anger does not lead him to sin (eg, divorce, physical abuse, adultery, etc)….

      Please Broda/Sisteh, So physical abuse is the only type of abuse abi? You have not heard of verbal abuse. Abi calling your wife a prostitute and retired abortionist is not verbal abuse? Has this not led him to sin? Stop eeeeet my friend! He should not have married her if he still had those kind of poisonous thoughts about her after her big reveal. He definitely didn’t do well by marrying her.

  6. Jummy

    October 30, 2017 at 8:48 am

    Wow. I wouldn’t marry such. Don’t care if he said it in the heat of the moment. It’s not gonna be the last time he calls her a “retired abortionist”

    I’ve had an abortion once and I promised myself i would never go through another one again. Though unlike her boyfriend, mine was ready to marry me and start a family.

    But i couldn’t bare the thought of being married right now. So I did the right thing and prayed for God’s forgiveness and have taken a vow of chastity fill marriage. It’s so much easier this way.

  7. larz

    October 30, 2017 at 9:18 am

    Tell your fiance about your past. But tell him well in advance of marrying him. Lets months go by and be convinced that he is comfortable and happy with that idea.

    The fact is, an abusive man will always be an abusive man. If he is the kind of man that will use words to hurt you, he will use something else against you.

    You shouldn’t marry anyone until you have both had a serious blow out. Because marriage isn’t about how compatible you guys are but mainly how you guys deal with conflicts or your differences.

  8. Iyaiyayo

    October 30, 2017 at 10:41 am

    Did you write my story?

    I’m Ninny and my husband is Demmy. And yeah, I’ve been called a prostitute, a leaking basket etc. It didn’t matter that I told him about the abortions very early in the relationship, it didn’t matter that I got pregnant within a few days of our wedding; carried to term and had a healthy baby boy. I was pregnant when the verbal abuse began. I got told my vagina is a borehole, I’m worthless because I didn’t marry as a virgin, I’m a prostitute, a leaking basket etc. It didn’t help that I had fibroids and red degeneration while pregnant which in turn led to cervical incompetence and I had to have a shirodka cerclage put in to hold up my cervix till I got to 37 weeks when the stitch was taken out. It didn’t matter that I carried my baby for 41 weeks and 3 days before going into labour and delivering a bouncing baby boy. All that matters is that I had abortions before I got married and it must be rubbed in my face at every turn so I know he did me a favour by marrying me!

    Do I regret telling him? No! Even though my parents thought I shouldn’t have told him. If I had to do it all over, I’d still tell the prospective spouse, the only thing I’d do differently is pray that he reveals his true colours early enough and not after the wedding.

    We are currently separated. There is only so much verbal and physical violence a woman can put up with!

    • larz

      October 30, 2017 at 11:44 am

      You did very well. I pray you find healing.

      Like I said earlier, people will always show their true colors. Your husbands behavior is not caused by your abortions. If he did not have issues with your abortions, he would have complained your weren’t a virgin. Based on your narrative (alone and nothing else), I would say the problem lies with your hubby and not with you.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      October 30, 2017 at 12:23 pm

      Waowww, I am so sorry to hear this, Your stand to still tell again if you had to do things all over again is so inspiring. Big hugs*

    • Omoh

      October 30, 2017 at 5:47 pm

      Come here, #Bearhug

  9. mz_danielz

    October 30, 2017 at 10:41 am


    Ive had two abortions at 21 and 23 respectively. I don’t feel guilty at all (I realized after much prayer, that feeling guilty was an act of selfishness and pride. Too proud to accept God’s forgiveness and too selfish because you’re so in your feelings because the guilt makes you feel more righteous than others that don’t feel guilt so I accepted the father’s forgiveness and moved on). If it comes up, I’ll tell my hubby I’ve had an abortion, heck my last suitor knew I had an abortion. It came up during a conversation on reproductive health. I was saying that younger and poorer females are at the risk of abortion related deaths. I said when I had my abortion at 23, I left a 2 ‘0’ clock meeting to the hospital, went home to sleep and was in the office the next day. Maybe it was the way I said it oh, but it wasn’t such a big deal.

    If a future hubby calls me what that girl’s hubby called her, my response will be simple ‘you dear husband are the devil because he alone is the accuser of the brethren. You are a pharisee because you want to crucify me for a sin Jesus died and forgave me for. Congratulations assistant God, no need to wait for the judgement day, just judge me and send me to hell already’.

    Ladies, unlearn shame and learn to accept God’s forgiveness. The rule is ‘Go and sin no more’. I walk in the righteousness of God and I follow his voice so I know his spirit helps me live righteously but my past mistakes and sins are what makes the cross worth it. You are loved and forgiven go and sin no more.

    Emphasis on Sin no more by God’s grace because grace empowers us to live righteously not continue in sin.

  10. Moving on Swiftly

    October 30, 2017 at 11:38 am

    Men cannot handle the truth about a woman they claim to love. They believe the womans Puna (ewww) is their property and prized win. Therefore they cannot deal with more than 3 men at the most entering her promised land (sorry for being so graphic!) anything more than that and she becomes a whore. Nevermind theyve slept with a 100 women themselves. Long story alert…

    There was this guy I was dating when I was a bit younger. We started off as friends and so we used to talk about past relationships. He told me about the open relationships he previously had (For those who don’t know….might be in a defined relationship but you could both be sleeping with other people with no strings attached or you might just be seeing a person steadily but you guys agree to no exclusivity. Mine was the latter for personal reasons). Gosh I was so naive! I stupidly told him I was in an open relationship once myself and that I regretted it. I could tell he was taken aback cos he said something like but you are supposed to be a good christian NIGERIAN girl (red flag). I joked that he had placed me on that pedestal not me. Besides it wasn’t something I was proud of and I had sought forgiveness from God.

    Fast forward to a few months and we took took the friendship to the next level and became exclusive. Started talking marriage and parents met. We had a huge argument one day and this guy from nowhere calls me a whore and that I’m dirty. That how could I allow someone to sleep with me and go out and sleep with someone else and then come back to me (true!) He told me to apologize to him. LOL Imagine!. Apologize to him for what? when I didn’t even know him at the time? I told him I had begged God for forgiveness and if God had forgiven me and doesn’t judge me, then who is he? We made up but the seed was sown. Thereafter, he would keep bringing the guy’s gist up and how he was disappointed in me and we would argue about this person that had moved on and had no clue he was causing kwanta in my relationship. It became a cycle and we would argue about this one thing, name calling, make up.

    It was so hard to see the damage this was causing to my soul because when we were good he was my best friend and we had major fun but most especially since it was my dodgy past and I wanted to move on desperately. I broke it off and had peace. People were shocked because everyone was pretty much expecting an engagement/wedding to happen that year. People on the outside assumed all was well. Me I knew it’d get worse and I’d be miserable in the marriage. I didn’t know how thankful I would be for taking the brave step to break it off till much later.

    I have since learnt my lesson bitterly. #Neveragain lol.

    • Oluwatosin Arodudu

      October 30, 2017 at 12:30 pm

      Hmmm, this is deep and you are very brave. Thank you so much for sharing and I wish you the best.

    • Swiss

      October 30, 2017 at 3:22 pm

      He wasnt your best friend, he judged you and gave you names. Good you left him cos he doesnt deserve you. These men are so stupid that they feel that you should be used alone by them. They dont realise from a young age girls have feelings and need to have sex to reduce the urge.Its business as usual.I want a virgin woman for marriage. I thank God that ladies are now sensible. No lady should allow a man to talk her down.If he is not a virgin he has no right to talk to you anyhow.You dont owe him a thing.Find out his bodycount you will be shocked he has had threesome, licked countless and done abortions with girls he didnt wana marry yet he will act a saint for you. what is that? You deserve better girl. The very best and nothing less.Make sure you have it and tell no stories about your past.The more mysterious you are, the better for you. Be his new mystery!!! If you ask me-I dont talk about my past cos it is past tense.We’ve met today.You will know me from this day forward, not backwards.

    • Blessedheart

      October 30, 2017 at 3:36 pm

      He had open relationships but berates you for having one? People like that just irritate me. They want to do what they like, ‘enjoy themselves’ with various women then settle with a ‘saintly’ wife.

  11. John

    October 30, 2017 at 1:00 pm

    hahahahahahah..Reading the comments of BN women .. so majority of them don do abortion…No Wonder ooo…everything is making sense to me now…and when I use to say that the women that frequent the site are miserable embittered dried up husks( turned feminists) who having lost on everything life has to offer and with their flabby, cellulite-ridden legs are coming for you to justify their stupidity and misery and convince other women to follow dia lonely lost n ultimately unfulfilling path!!!!…they say I am harsh…just take a look one of them “sarah” above and tell me if I not right on my assertion

    • Swiss

      October 30, 2017 at 3:28 pm

      There is nothing wrong with abortion if not for your shallow african mentality. In first world countries underaged girls and adults have the choice of procedures they want. If you like say nonsense about women, you will end up with one and probably not a virgin.Hahaha.Same way you have disappointed girls.You think females care so much about a guy? Or the shapeless dangling hotdoglike ding-dong between your legs is deceiving you that as a man, a woman owes you her whole life? Lmao. I could laugh till the earth turns to ashes little boy john

    • Wendy

      October 30, 2017 at 5:04 pm

      You are the typical example of a fish brain you just referred to in your comment. Since you are shallow minded, let me enlighten you, NO woman likes to jump from penis to penis. Unfortunately, there are so many emotionally immature boys out there who call themselves men. Boys who pretend to be real, loving, understanding and mature enough for what a relationship is but cant handle it for a second when they get in because they are selfish, sex starved, hungry, manner-less, focus-less and some of them are even thieves just looking for who to take up their bills (of course there are a few exceptions – there are still good and thoughtful men out there – God fearing too).

      Now a woman sees all these characteristics and you expect her to stay? the second goat sorry i mean guy comes along and pretends to be wonderful only to end up being a thief (I once had a mofo who would ”borrow” money at every instant and when i ask for it back, he would say ”wo i don’t have joor” meanwhile the love he shows na die…so teacher John, will you let your sister(s)/daughter(s) be with a goat sorry a guy like that?

      Y’all ignorantly minded low lives are the ones who get a woman pregnant then blame it on her as if your penis was ”un-ejectable” or was a glue used at the beginning ”you want to ejaculate but you don’t want to pull out”.

      Go lecture your brothers who have no morals and no sense of responsibility. Go lecture your friends who have slept with numerous women but call a lady with more than 3 boyfriends prostitute and ask yourselves “”bro if they are prostitutes, what are we”? oh i know… männliche Prostituierte!

      Its about time y’all grow up and accept Christ as well so your lives can be better.

    • OJ

      October 30, 2017 at 5:50 pm

      Are you minding them…awon feminazi, they have carried sexual liberation and empowerment to the point of shagging upandan and be putting reliogius hashtags on their conquest. By the time they have been used and abused and clocking 35, they suddenly turn spiritual and start doing vigourous hunting for the ”nice” guy…unfortunately for them, their gargabe follows them anywhere they go and when the man starts raising alarm, they are the very first to start quoting
      ”if he really loves you he will overlook your past”
      ”a real man should never raise his voice or hand on a woman”
      ”a man should be matured enough to handle your faults”….i can go on and on, i wonder how these same feminzis would feel if their son they so diligently trained to respect women brings an ex-olosho home as wife to marry…them and their hypocritical standards
      the new trend now with them is wanting to maintain the status of been married and at the same time enjoying the adventures of a single lady with other men outside the home….

  12. John

    October 30, 2017 at 1:02 pm

    “are always coming here to justify”

  13. john

    October 30, 2017 at 1:12 pm

    I stoped reading at “Ninny moved closer to God” I cant take this too much hypocrisy today ..I just they pity the poor dude ..u just married an over used olosho and the earlier you cut her off the better for you let her go and marry a fellow brains..when u tell fish brains to take it easy …they are not the same as men( simple and short) ..the term u a sexist and that it is their body and they can do what they want with is the 21st century..get in line, women power ..what a man can do a woman can do better ..all this delusions they used in deceiving themselves.. now u see the difference between diplo and this fish brain… how I wish she carry HIV join self…

    • Meee

      October 30, 2017 at 4:41 pm

      LMAO! It is your type that will marry a woman that will so deal with you that you will not have mouth again. Oh and by the way before you come and insult me as you are prone to do, I have never had an abortion but I never judge those who have. It’s only in Nigeria that the biggest sin is anything to do with s.x. Anything else is okay but once you have had multiple partners before marriage especially as a female or had an abortion you are the biggest sinner ever liveth. Hypocritical living.

  14. Blessedheart

    October 30, 2017 at 3:40 pm

    Women are always on the receiving end. A man would have 100 sexual partners and cannot deal with a woman’s past of 3 sexual partners. Unfortunately, many women have not learnt how to protect themselves. Many women refuse to learn from their mistakes. It’s better to avoid these things than to start looking for a man that will accept your past. Abstinence is just the best solution but people don’t want to listen

  15. D

    October 30, 2017 at 6:12 pm

    While no one has the right to judge someone based on their past, as a guy, my own case is a little different.

    I am a successful 28 year old manager in a multinational company. I have kept myself for 28 years for my future wife because I don’t want to think about another woman when I eventually get married. Also, I don’t want my future partner to satisfy me based on cravings I have learnt from past sexual experience.

    The women I have met ridicule me or find me odd because I don’t want to engage in sex before marriage. Though, they are all “church girls”. I caught the last one I dated in bed with another guy, after an eleven months non sexual relationship. Of course, I’m healthy incase you think my values are a disguise to an underlying situation….LOL.

    I’m not looking for a virgin. Virginity and purify are 2 different things. I have met virgins with perverted mindsets. All I want is a whole woman emotionally,mentally and sexually. A woman that has learnt from her past and has made up her mind not to compromise at the tables of sexual pleasures will do but my search has been futile.

    • OJ

      October 31, 2017 at 9:24 am

      Guy, good luck with your, but just be ready for the unthinkables that you will see….we live in a morally decadent society where it is become a socially acceptable norm for a lady to have multiple sex partners and justify it with men too have been doing it for long….but i always ask who are the men doing it with??? is it wood or pillow??…be it church girls or runs girls or career minded girls, the quest and thirst for the banana is real…and pls just prepare not to have hbp if that good girl you eventually find is indirectly using you as a side bobo becos you either have not proposed or you are not footing certain of her ”bills”….no bi today dem ladies dey play home and away league

    • Ephi

      October 31, 2017 at 12:12 pm

      You will find her. Just be patient. No matter how bleak the state of a society may look, there is always a remnant. Remember how Elijah thought he was the only one left, meanwhile there were 7,000 others…! So continue to be you and maintain your stand, values and what you believe. Do not give it up for anyone. It will come. Be patient.

    • Oluwatosin

      October 31, 2017 at 6:36 pm

      Hello D keep being you, let the values and moral uprightness you have maintained till now keep shining through. Carry yourself with so much dignity and manliness, I do not mean ego and pride, rather there is this manly aura some guys possess despite the fact that they are not messing around.. The right lady would eventually come. Above all don’t forget to pray.

    • Oma

      November 1, 2017 at 2:06 pm

      Sup D,can i meet you?I keep asking myself why men of this days always ask for sex.I have decided to be patient until i meet that man that will wait.

  16. Yellow sun

    October 31, 2017 at 8:01 am

    Ask no questions tells no lies….stop asking questions you really don’t want answers to,
    I and my hubs broke up for a while whilst dating ..he asked for the break oh…he was galivanting upandan.. .I met a good guy aswell amd tried dating him …hubs comes to his senses and comes begging.
    .nice guy and I aren’t and hubs get back together and he won’t stop asking me if I had sex with the nice guy…
    Hian.. .I didn’t ask him of his escapades because I know there will be tons of story there…and I didn’t want answers I couldn’t handle…but til tomorrow he will randomly ask me if I slept with the guy…even though my answer has never changed.
    Pls don’t tell nothing…they can never handle it
    Except your abortion had complications you can’t HAVE fertility issues because of abortion…dont let no one fool u into confessing nothing…
    Don’t let anyone sit high and judge you from their high stool..they are not God…

  17. cat.

    October 31, 2017 at 11:05 am

    Seriously speaking, I cant tell no man nothing! Even if you can deal with it, I am not telling you

  18. Ona

    November 2, 2017 at 10:14 am

    Never tell anyone every single thing about you. You are not dating God. Even the lesser gods like Sango will not be able to handle such info.
    There is a reason the catholics have priests for confession so unless bobo is wearing a cape, dnt expose all.
    One man i know said he knew his wife was not a virgin and he kept asking her how many guys she has slept with but she refused to divulge it. She kept asking him, “how will this answer improve us? Tell me what the answer will bring in this relationship” That was her answer everytime. 10 years now and the man said he is happy his wife never told him cuz he doesnt have the option of using it against her and he is thankful he doesnt have to restrain himself each time they have nasty arguments

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