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Chantel Netimah: 8 Mistakes Women Make with Men

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We Fall In Love With Potential
I cannot possibly be the only one who has made this mistake. Often times we know this person isn’t good for us, but we sometimes suffer from the ‘I Can Change Him’ syndrome, so we focus on what he could be. If only he was X, Y, and Z. The fantasy may be lovely, but you have to keep your head in the here and now. You could derail a relationship if you don’t keep your head and feet firmly in reality.

Keep it real. You can’t change a man who doesn’t want to change for himself; this means that you would keep holding on to fragments of him and working extra hard at the relationship and just be miserable the whole time. He would probably leave anyway, and next thing you know he is marrying someone else who either likes him the way he. The person has decided he’s good and ready to be the best man he can be, and you wonder where you went wrong. STOP HOLDING ON TO POTENTIAL (yes, I am shouting)

Mistaking Lust for Love
You see that butterfly feeling you have in your tummy when you first meet them? Ermmm that’s not love, that’s common sense leaving your brain. You have seen fine man and you don’t have sense again. We often mistake a strong attraction with a guy as connection. It is not the same.

Sexual attraction is not love, it is not like. Aunty it is what it is: SEXUAL ATTRACTION. Now what you want to do with it is up to you. You’re an adult, but just don’t go crying to your friends ‘I gave him my body soul and mind’ ‘he used me’ (I’m laughing at all these and rolling my eyes because I’ve heard them a lot of times and it’s funny)

Women Who Talk Too Much Syndrome
I am guilty of this. There is nothing wrong with communication. But is verbalising every feeling, mood, and annoyance communication? Communication: ‘the exchange of thoughts, messages, or information, as by speech, signals, writing or behaviour’

Now let’s take note that the key word here is ‘exchange’. So, if all you are doing is off-loading so they can ‘listen’; then we certainly have a one-way ticket to relationship doom. Not only is the relationship an equivalent of verbal diarrhoea, but I think it drives men insane, when we feel the need to talk all the time. Look, before you had a man you had friends, right? (hopefully you haven’t abandoned them cause of man. If you have, shame on you) Talk to your friends, but keep the private things for your man. DO NOT DISCUSS EVERY DETAIL OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR FRIENDS. IT IS NOT THEIR BUSINESS.

We Think Sex Can Hold Them
Having sex with a man would not keep him in the relationship. Being open to trying all kinds of sex tricks in the book won’t keep him. If you like, swing from a chandelier during sex; it still won’t keep him if he doesn’t want to be there. Yes, men do often think with their dicks, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that catering to the dick would fix the woes. IT WON’T. Being great at sex won’t make a great relationship; it only makes it great sex and if he feels that something is missing whether right or wrong, he won’t graduate you from casual sex to girlfriend position.

Yes, we all want a man who knows what he wants but sometimes, we want to settle too quickly and can be subtle or too obvious about it. You want to start playing wife when you haven’t even reached girlfriend. Stop making something even before there is something. One day the man would wake up see all your tampons and pads, hair straighteners, wigs and fear would grip him (why? Because he is about to lose his freedom and he isn’t sure he is ready just yet) and he would go cold on you. Try not to need a man so desperately to feel secure and happy. Find it on your own first. We need to slow down a little and not force the hand of relationships.

Placing Everything On Them
There was a time in your life when the current guy didn’t exist and you were still alive but suddenly he appears and you have turned him to the reason why you are breathing and living, and suddenly can’t function without him. Suddenly he is paying all your bills and sorting out all your family problems and catering to your every need and you’re not bothering with your friends anymore or doing anything for yourself. You’re a person with some level of independence, don’t ditch it because you have a man now.

We ‘Allow’ Too Much
As women we have the tendency of allowing too much of the wrong things. We’ll allow a guy to be unavailable, ‘too busy’ to communicate or mistreat us because he’s got a dick, money, or because we don’t feel secure enough to tell him to get lost, but we won’t allow a guy past the gates if he’s ‘too nice’. Ever heard a girl tell you ‘I broke up with him because he is too nice’? I always respond with ‘common sense is not common’

We Love Them More Than We Love Ourselves
If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect a man to love you? When you allow a man be the reason for your happiness and complete you, it implies that you’re miserable and incomplete without him. Don’t focus your energy on dubious relationships and neglecting yourself, friends and family because these species call men show you small love.

We Don’t Know When To Quit
Look, nobody enjoys breakups, but men in particular don’t like confrontation with women. This means they would ride the donkey (the relationship) until it collapses, whilst privately feeling very aggrieved to be ‘trapped’. Sometimes the fear of being on our own is even greater than the fear of not having a man in our life, even if he mistreats us, doesn’t actually want to be with us. We make noise about calling it off if he doesn’t do certain things, but we often don’t, giving the guy carte blanche to do what he likes. He does lose respect when he knows he can do whatever he likes and you won’t say anything.

Does any of this sound like someone you know? We have all being there at some point in our lives.

Photo Credit: © Scott Griessel | Dreamstime

Sugar, Spice and everything nice! Jesus baby, HR Personnel, Freelance Makeup Artist, Fashionista, Introvert/Extrovert (yes who says I can’t be both) I love to cook yasss food is bae! waffles, coffee, coco cola and you have my attention. I usually hangout on Twitter. Instagram: @chantelmartha Twitter: @mchantel

35 Comments

  1. I'm tired

    November 20, 2017 at 2:38 am

    SOS!
    I’m currently in a big mess! I’m flying out later today to go see a guy who after a fight just said he doesn’t feel anything for me anymore. I’m so confused and angry. I’m meeting with him to talk things over and see if there’s anyway we can salvage what we have. He’s adamant he needs space. I’m broken.

    Meanwhile I’m feeling so insecure and my self esteem is down to zilch.
    Umunnem n’ime Christ, what advise ca you all give me…specially guys .

    • Nkem

      November 20, 2017 at 6:22 am

      Decide to have a relationship with yourself first. Its obvious that you don’t. Love is a choice. Love yourself first before u give it out. U cannot give what u don’t have. Otherwise u will just enter the same relationship just with a different face. Just chill and face ur fears. Know the savior who loves you most of all. thats what I did though and it worked for me. The guy wants a break give him that break. He is actually doing u a favor. He never loved u. Love isnt forced. Deep down u r even tired.

    • chick

      November 20, 2017 at 7:08 am

      my dear, please save your self the stress and the flight money and don’t go anywhere to see him. it’s obvious he has moved on to another chick and having the time of his life, force yourself to move on please, I know it isn’t easy but just try. instead of going on that trip to see him, why not use that money to take yourself out to a fancy restaurant, pamper yourself and if possible go shopping. love will find you when you least expect and remove the thought that I’m getting old put of your system it makes we women make terrible choices.

    • Loki

      November 20, 2017 at 7:11 am

      In Insurance there is something called Constructive Total Loss. This is where the damage is so extensive, it can’t be fixed without spending more money that the item cost in the first place. Solution- write it off. Seems like your circumstance is at that point. You cannot salvage a relationship where someone “doesn’t feel anything for you anymore”. Holding on will only hurt you more. Cut your losses. You might be scared that you won’t find anyone else and end up alone but that isn’t necessarily true. You can’t make someone love you. Not without a very potent babalawo anyway.
      As for your self esteem, I’ll leave you with the immortal words of the Prophet Tupac Shakur:
      Keep ya head up, ooh, child
      Things are gonna get easier
      Keep ya head up, ooh, child
      Things’ll get brighter

      My two cents anyway.

    • bodunade

      November 20, 2017 at 7:39 am

      Coming from a dude. No need for stories , Count your losses and move on.

    • bea

      November 20, 2017 at 10:25 am

      If only you asked for this advice before you bought a flight ticket, I would have said dont go.
      I would have said go for a spiritual retreat instead and cry the much you can then ask God for peace and mercy.

      That way a big burden may be lifted off you and you can be renewed for a journey about to start. It could be with him but as a new person or with another person.

      For someone who already made up his mind he feels nothing for you what are you going to do there? ask him to feel something or you or seduce him to start feeling something for you?

      meanwhile when you get there I will advice dont even push it. just made it a spiritual retreat for yourself, if you can afford to be alone be and pray while doing some inner searching.

    • Jemimah

      November 20, 2017 at 11:49 am

      One thing I’ve learnt in relationship matters is, men know exactly what they want and they strive to keep it. If a man makes up his mind to leave a relationship, trust me, it’s OVER! Trying to manipulate or encourage him to stay will only postpone heartbreak.
      Let him go, resign to fate now, begin your healing process now cos believe it or not, you will inevitably find yourself in this same spot at a later date if you choose to go back but when it happens again, you’d be even more vested in the relationship and the break up will hit you harder. That wound you’re choosing to mask instead of allowing to heal right now will cripple you eventually
      Sweetheart, do all you can to find peace now. You owe it to yourself.

  2. BBB

    November 20, 2017 at 2:51 am

    “You see that butterfly feeling you have in your tummy when you first meet them? Ermmm that’s not love, that’s common sense leaving your brain.”

    Hehehehehe

  3. anonymous

    November 20, 2017 at 5:23 am

    Okay, take it from a female who started man matter at 13 and found real love 15 years later, the only rule is to love and trust yourself, live your life while being open to possibilities.

    When I met hubby, I was at a very happy and peaceful place and he didn’t look like someone I’d date cos he was young.

    But hubby held my waist on our first date and I felt a chemistry I had not felt before. We had sex that night oh and it was magical. I continued my life and when he called the next day, I actually told him I was glad he called cos I was doing the 1st to calm stuff and he laughed.

    We would speak for hours but we could only see on weekends because I was busy and he’s a doctor.

    He had a girlfriend, he never told me but my female intuition picked it up. He was in a relationship that he wanted to end. Once, he asked what I’d do if I found out he had a girlfriend and I told him I’d leave the relationship even though I’d be heartbroken but I’d leave and cry for weeks but I won’t be a side chick. He was like, what if a man just wants to be sure you’re the real deal and take his time not to hurt someone else and I told him I don’t compete for men, I just leave the fight. That day I was praying he won’t tell me he had a girl cos I’d leave him. He didn’t and I know he broke up with the girl, I saw messages on his phone where she begged etc and all he said was this hasn’t been working in a while, I’m sorry.

    He’s the best thing that happened to me. He listens, spoils me, believes in my dreams and we laugh together.

    I’m just trying to say that when you’re mature and you find the right person, you won’t need rules cos if he loves you and wants it, he’ll be guiding you to the things that turn him off and on.

    PS: I felt the butterfly feeling for the hubs but I Ali’s felt peace

    • LOL

      November 20, 2017 at 7:10 am

      I love your story and honesty. May you have many happy years ahead of you.

    • Mamamia

      November 20, 2017 at 8:33 am

      Similar to my story… Only we didn’t have sex and we are not married yet. But truth is when it is right you will know. All the “y men love bitches” kinda advice will no longer apply. Just learn to be yourself, trust and be comfortable with your judgement no matter how bad it turns out, be true to who you are and leave the rest to God to sort. Love finds us in the most unlikely places. The write up up there means nothing, stop playing by the books and be yourself!

    • Tasmea

      November 20, 2017 at 6:01 pm

      In other words your husband cheated on his partner he was in a committed relationship with and you enabled him as you knew about his relationship. He was also willing to continue stringing his gf along if you were not the one. I am just wondering how many first date sex he has had while he was in his relationship. Hmmmm! Hope he doesn’t do that to you someday.

    • Baymax

      November 20, 2017 at 6:43 pm

      If no one is saying the hard truth, i will. Maybe because the majority of you women are guilty of the same sin, that’s why you’re all praising her.

      You deliberately started sleeping with a man, knowing or at least having the feeling that he is dating another. You built your happiness in another woman’s heartbreak. Why do you women do this? You KNOW or at least FELT the man is in a relationship, yet you have no qualms sleeping with him and you rejoice because you feel you have won him over.

      My heart goes out for the innocent lady who tried her best to make things work, only for the man she loved to cheat on her with you and eventually dumped her. I pray she has healed and has come to thank God for bringing you into their matter as she has realized you and your husband did her a big favour.

      As they say, Karma is a bitch.
      A man who slept with you when he was in a committed relationship will have no problem cheating on you when someone new and exciting comes.

      Women are truly each other’s greatest enemies.

      Ladies, if a man breaks up with you or does the “ghosting” thing, MOVE ON!!!! It is hard but MOVE ON!!!! The one who loves you and cherishes you WILL come. Learn to love and improve yourself. Never settle for less. There are good men out there. He will come when the time is right.

  4. King bey

    November 20, 2017 at 7:12 am

    Your hubby is cheating on you with his ex lmao

    • John

      November 20, 2017 at 9:24 am

      lol…I thought I was the only that noticed this but as @Loki said Let her enjoy the magic for a while.. Life is hard enough as it is.

    • Grace

      November 20, 2017 at 1:53 pm

      Okay, so what’s your point. She’s happy, loved and spoilt and probably doesn’t know about the cheating so why are you trying to rain on her parade. She’s being honest about how she met me hubs, did you even read the sincerity in her tone? How many people can bravely say on BN that they had sex on the 1st date, stayed with a guy her intuition told her was in a relationship even though she was praying he didn’t tell her. The same BN with the kind of commenters we have.

      Love finds us in weird ways and I’m glad anonymous is happy.

      We really need to live and let live

  5. Her Grace

    November 20, 2017 at 7:34 am

    @ I’m tired, I know how hard it is to let go especially if you had something beautiful. But if he doesn’t feel it anymore, he doesn’t. Going there will most likely prolong the inevitable. Feel the hurt, own your pain and let go. Being a strong woman isn’t the easiest route but it’s necessary. You’d take pride in the woman you’d become after you ride out the storm. God bless your heart.

  6. bodunade

    November 20, 2017 at 7:36 am

    @Anonymous
    this your story dey one kain. You have been married for a second. Give us this gist when you have been together for 10 years.

    ‘I felt peace when I met hubby’ all this mumu cliches everywhere lol.

    • Loki

      November 20, 2017 at 7:53 am

      Ahn ahn now… Why do we insist on bashing people in the face with reality? Let her enjoy the magic for a while.. Life is hard enough as it is.

  7. Briang

    November 20, 2017 at 8:30 am

    So so deep. I need an excavator.

  8. THE MUMMY

    November 20, 2017 at 9:36 am

    @loki, it is in their DNA to bash people here, it is not wise to bring your ‘good news’ into a forum filled with bitter, angry and frustrated women who may never understand the joy of a good marraige or having a good man in your life. @anonymous with happy marraige ,na one chance you enter bringing your joy to this place.

    • Babym

      November 20, 2017 at 9:56 am

      U just nailed it! I keep saying it, there is NO WAY ur life can be going well and u will be carrying so much toxicity around it is IMPOSSIBLE. So when ppl pour negativity on others, it either they are witches (because really that is what witches do) or they are living such hellish pathetic lives. It’s pretty simple. Namaste

    • Loki

      November 20, 2017 at 10:29 am

      Erm…I think Bodunade is a guy…

  9. john

    November 20, 2017 at 9:54 am

    @themummy …lol..u know BN women very well..all they hope and pray for is to read about divorce or break up…that is all…I was going through the comments on banky wedding..it was actually amusing seeing trying so hard not to be a hater ”for now”..even though I know those embittered ,dried up husks with flabby, cellulite-ridden legs who having lost on everything life has to offer are already salivating on how their break- up will be like.

    • O!

      November 20, 2017 at 12:39 pm

      John you are quite limited in your ‘insult repertoire’ – fish brain, dried husk, cellulite ridden, flabby etc. With your claimed UK education, is this really the best you can do?

    • Wendy

      November 20, 2017 at 1:19 pm

      Lmao.. so Bodunade is a guy. Now let me help you reframe that:

      u know BN MEN very well..all they hope and pray for is to read about divorce or break up…that is all…I was going through the comments on banky wedding..it was actually amusing seeing trying so hard not to be a hater ”for now”..even though I know those embittered ,dried up husks with LITTLE DCKS AND POT BELLIES who having lost on everything life has to offer are already salivating on how their break- up will be like.

      p.s. This is what happens when along with being a depraved ignorant attention-seeking lowlife… you decide to be a clumsy idiot who pays no attention to detail as well. I would give you an L to hold but that is the already the embodiment of your entire being…

  10. John

    November 20, 2017 at 1:26 pm

    @O who said I am doing anything..I am just having fun with una stupidity..that is all..And I am not claiming anything ..I dont know where u get that from..ops!!, I forget this is a site where women make something up, fake analyse, project their misery or conjure up fake stuffs from thin air to make themselves feel better.

    • Wendy

      November 20, 2017 at 1:41 pm

      Shut up!! You were caught slipping. Limited vocab-having bad grammar-typing dullard like you!

  11. John

    November 20, 2017 at 1:38 pm

    Wendy wendy wendy..my my my..is this the form u want to take me on….if u want change from hadiza to A real Nigeria and now Wendy..I can still smell that your frustration from miles away… u are exactly the type of person I had in mind when I made that comment…That you were unable to comprehend my post is evidence in itself that you have the IQof a small stone. Sorry, I can’t dumb down to your level, we ain’t in kindergarten class. Now, go and play with sand

    • Wendy

      November 20, 2017 at 2:12 pm

      Lmao! Do I want to take you on? Oh I bet your lil dck wiggled at the thought of engaging with a woman online. Cos you know that’s the most action it ever gets… I mean you’re out here in these BN streets constantly seeking attention and asking for it. Well, you have two minutes of my time today.
      Now, if your lameass failed attempt an insult-ridden comment is your idea of intellect then oh boy! You’re even more of a whack job than you have portrayed in the past. Ninja talking about “dumbing down” and “IQ of a stone” (another proof of you illiteracy) … lil boy what are you on about? YOU ARE A DUMB STONE. Hahaha! This moth really does think itself a bird. TF out of here with your emotional non-sense making replies.

    • Nuff Said

      November 20, 2017 at 3:03 pm

      Truth be told there is no much difference between Wendy and John, you guys talk alike but represent the extremes of the male and female comm enters of BN

  12. Anonymous

    November 20, 2017 at 3:37 pm

    I thought @I’m tired, asked for advice, how the heck did it degenerate to two grown ups attacking each other?

    @I’m tired, we all know that until we do what we’ve set out to do in our hearts, we no go rest.
    As you don buy ticket abeg de go….. but be sure you can handle the outcome.
    All the best..

    • Loki

      November 20, 2017 at 5:33 pm

      I’ve been singing “Stop the fight, you may lose your life” since the quarrel started. But I understand. I have had my own share of online battles; particularly when I feel someone is being exceptionally stupid. So bear with them. They are annoyed.

  13. Oops!

    November 20, 2017 at 8:21 pm

    Walahi Wendy walloped John today sha!! I don’t care what anyone says. John, bury your head in shame!!! Chaiiiiii. Wendy why naaaaa??????

  14. Out

    November 20, 2017 at 11:50 pm

    This post has been derailed, I just hope women read the article and learn.

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