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Cisi Eze: 10 Types of People on Your Whatsapp List

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Whatsapp, a.k.a Wasop or Wazzap or Wosap, is a lovely platform that heightens interactivity. Don’t you just love how people you gave your number start texting you, even when you do not like them enough to get chatsy?

Phone screens embolden us to vent words we dare not speak, and so people have the liver to text unfortunate words at us. Unlike other social media platforms that give you anonymity, you are careful what you use as updates. (For the fear of being disinherited, you can’t afford to let your family know if you really think Blue is the Warmest Colour.)

Based on “research”, I have compiled a list of different kinds of people on your Whatsapp list. Here they are:

Broadcasters
Once upon a time, some of these broadcasters chided us saying, “You press phone too much.” You have headache and next thing: “Why won’t you have headache when you are always pressing phone?” They have discovered the amazing wonders of “Wosap” and they no longer badger us for pressing phones. Nowadays, they send broadcast messages you probably do not read.

The other kinds of these broadcasters are just disgusting. We are so pissed at them that we have blocked them. Like, how are you less than forty and sending broadcast messages? Je ne comprende pas.

Morality Prefects
These people are from your religious centre, or probably that relative. They want to police your updates. “Dave, why are you wearing earring?” “Lisa, your cleavage is showing too much.” You make a Facebook update and type “sex”, and they ask you why you typed that vulgar word. They even preach to you. It’s not as though they do not fornicate or commit adultery. Lemme jus’ kip chot and face front. Mhmm!

That Annoying Fellow
It could be that guy or girl that has been trying to date you since 1769. They do not understand that pestering someone is not seductive. (Sigh) People are not even patient enough to seduce people. No! They will thrust the concept of romance in your face until it feels as though it were a bad stench. They probably text risqué stuff at you that pisses you off.

Evangelists
These people will send you broadcast messages from scripture according to whatever religion they practice. This reminds me of that married man that wanted to fornicate with me. Uncle was sending religious broadcast messages, o. (Laughs in wickedness.)

Ndi Sup
Out of nowhere, they text you “to check up on you”. Their texts mostly come at that exact time you do not want to have human interaction. They probably want something from you. “A toad does not run in daylight for nothing.”

Sometimes it is a delight reading their texts. That is if you really do like them. You two get to chat as if nothing changed. You probably miss(ed) them.

Amebo
They share links from different news site or social media platforms. They could be exhausting, really. Like, Shaquisha, I ain’t openin’ these links you be sendin’ me. Sometimes, they send stuff that is beneficial to you.

Slayonce
These boys and girls can change DP (display picture) for Africa! Everything they do, they must snap. You do not need to ask what they are doing with their lives: they have already given you info. Very narcissistic bunch! Their social media profile is the shrine they have built to worship their egos.

Business Partners/Colleagues
It’s just work, work, work, work, work, work. They have sane stuff to tell you. Except you two are friendsly, you do not get to chat much. Reminds me of Aristotle’s “Friendship of Utility”.

Snobs
They are never the first to text you. If they manage to text you, it is because they need or want something from you. The times you text them, they reply after ten million years.

Le Crush
A notification from them and your perfidious heart becomes a ballerina: it does ten fouettes, leaps into an amazing jete, and crashes off stage avec un bang. That is how pathetic it is. Because you are a proud someone, you stall before replying the text. That does not mean they do not have your mumu button. Ordinary text that you should send, you become clueless – you lose your ability to sew words together to make a coherent sentence. If you have such a person on your Whatsapp list, receive strength. Like other crushes, it will fizzle out soon.

There are more, but as I stated earlier, this is the top ten. There is no way you would not have at least about five of these people on your list. It gets more interesting that you might be one of these people. If you are, all I can tell you is this: be nicer in 2018.

P.S. There are “Matured People”, too. They hardly change DP or status. Is there an award somewhere? Also, we have our close pals. We text them every day:  there is always gist or someone (or something) to hate on together. That is what besties do: throw shade at people together and laugh in wickedness. If love does not bring us together, hate will.

Cisi Eze is a Lagos-based freelance journalist, writer, comic artist, and graphics designer. She feels strongly about LGBT+ rights, feminism, gender issues, and mental health, and this is expressed through her works on Bella Naija and her blog – Shades of Cisi. Aside these, she has works on Western Post NG, Kalahari Review, Holaafrica, Mounting the Moon, Gender IT, Outcast Magazine, Rustin Times, 14: An Anthology of Queer Art Volume 1 and 2, and Sweet Deluge (Issue 2). Her first book, published by Tamarind Hill Press, UK, is titled “Of Women, Edges, and Parks”. Cisi’s art challenges existing societal norms.

37 Comments

  1. Miss Mo

    January 10, 2018 at 4:41 am

    Buahahahahahah, please I love this. So refreshing and true.

    As I read each type I was naming names quietly in my head and laughing out loud. 😀

  2. Mama

    January 10, 2018 at 7:15 am

    That Le crush one is so funny and true…hahaha

  3. Ocean Beauty

    January 10, 2018 at 7:55 am

    My mum and BC about how if you do this, that will happen or don’t do this or don’t eat that. She’s is reducing it gradually. Then is it when you get Hi message from the Uche curtain from yaba or Femi Plumber simply because they now have your number.
    The Block option is so amazing.

    • Bleed Blue

      January 10, 2018 at 9:31 am

      My TV was acting crazy.
      A friend gave me a number to call to fix it.
      I called “Mayowa Samsung” and we agreed on a convenient date during the week.
      An hour hater, Mayowa Samsung sends me a Whatsapp message about 10 life tips I should consider in 2018.
      Mayowa, why na?
      Is this a taste of things to come?
      We haven’t even met.
      BLOCK.

  4. Nthata

    January 10, 2018 at 8:00 am

    only if i had my crush’s number but i can still relate to le crush tendencies above

  5. Mz_Danielz

    January 10, 2018 at 8:14 am

    I’m one of the matured people oh. For a long time, a motivational quote was my dp until I was begged to use my picture and that picture has been there for months.

    When I’m bored, I update my thoughts as status.

    What will I say, I never got the let’s take a picture gene.

    • Poppy

      January 10, 2018 at 9:37 am

      Matured? I hope we know Cisi used it in quotation marks because it’s intended to be tongue-in-cheek.

      Biko we are not stocks and bonds, or wine. We can’t be “matured”.

    • tut-tut

      January 10, 2018 at 12:43 pm

      Waawu…….You were BEGGED to use your picture by who? Hahahhahahaaha. I like these people who love to live in delusions of grandeur. I’m too busy to update my picture yet they be spending hours poring over other people’s IG pages. Be careful oh!! Try not to double tap!
      ?????

    • Biker Chic

      January 10, 2018 at 5:07 pm

      She is sooooo “Matured” lolz. Nne, the word is “Mature”. There is nothing like “Matured”.

  6. Loki

    January 10, 2018 at 8:22 am

    But seriously, what is it with old people and broadcast messages? And do they really believe anyone of our zero attention span generation is reading their 50,000 word treatise on “THE SCIENTIFIC DEATH OF JESUS”?

    • Engoz

      January 11, 2018 at 7:44 pm

      Buhahaha!!!!!!

  7. I'mJustSayn'

    January 10, 2018 at 8:59 am

    Funniest broadcast I got was “Don’t eat egg and sweet banana. Someone ate them in India and died” LOL Egg and bitter banana nko?

  8. shift

    January 10, 2018 at 9:23 am

    so which one are you?
    what category do you fall into
    This is to know how others too perceive you since you perceive others this way

  9. CHIKA

    January 10, 2018 at 9:28 am

    Of course I am one of the matured people oooh! I can’t just deal biko!!!!!

  10. Michy

    January 10, 2018 at 9:36 am

    You write really well, Cisi.

  11. Oooooops

    January 10, 2018 at 9:44 am

    I remember a group I am in. We are about 15 (very crazy but lovely people that I had to stop automatic download and save to gallery option because of them) and a lady is the admin. Whenever someone is ranting or saying rubbish and we want to punish the person, our mama admin will just rapture the person while typing! How sweet.

    Now you are typing and ranting, next thing you are no longer in the group till later when we calm down! I am still thinking of the person I’ll try this on…snob category kind of people maybe?

    • babym

      January 10, 2018 at 12:02 pm

      buhahahahahahahahahaha Savage!!! I’m tempted to try this with my mum in our family group but I don’t know if the black eye I will receive will be worth it! lol

  12. o

    January 10, 2018 at 10:05 am

    I’m looking for the person or persons that sends my dad the barrage of BCs that he then forwards to me. If I catch the person ehn….. ?????

    Btw those matured ppl too do sef. A year no change to DP or status I actually thought that particular friend was no longer using that phone. Just decided to test and he replied. I was ???

    I now use my block feature for the broadcasters. Ppl that won’t ever send any message except broadcast. Mba. Then don’t we all have Ndi Sup in our lives? One particular guy will just send Sup out of the blues at the oddest hours. Sometimes Sunday morning 7am I’ll just see sup. Don’t reply on time, na phone call go follow. Nothing important or urgent just to check up on me. Dude, you no dey go church? Or you no know say I go go church???????

    The reason why I’ll always prefer BBM to whatsapp. I actually have to accept before you are on my contact. But whatsapp is way too porous. That’s how one rewire guy in my area sent a message that he wants to come and eat rice. Just because he changed my car lights some days before. I was so shocked I didn’t even reply.

    • Mama

      January 10, 2018 at 11:56 am

      Hay God! You just reminded me of a similar insident. A guy called me 8am Sunday morning just to toast. Mind you, i don’t know him, never met before. Apparently, he saw me and got my number from someone else (whom he refused to disclose), and then decided that the best time to call for a chit chat was Sunday morning, when people are going about the Lord’s business. Me that on Sundays mornings I am like a headless chicken, trying to multitask- cook and clean before church. Oya now, that you have my attention go straight to the point na, mba! He wanted us to play Tom and Jerry. Had to tell dude off nicely. Tomorrow, it is his type that will say he wanted to save you from spinsterhood but you were ‘priding’, after he has failed simple introductory call. Mtchew!

      I refused to install whatapp for a long time for the exact reasons you mentioned. But, alas, i had to give in as it is the easiest way to communicate with home. My family members seem allergic to BBM.

    • Mama

      January 10, 2018 at 11:58 am

      incident

  13. Amy

    January 10, 2018 at 10:21 am

    There are those who won’t chat u up but once u upload a nice pic… U see them sending msgs like crazy…those ones I avoid

  14. kaycee

    January 10, 2018 at 11:17 am

    The once that thier status looks like seam stitches and never ending! ???

    • o

      January 10, 2018 at 1:34 pm

      A friend posted 150 updates and now took a count of the person that viewed all. He then posted another saying Mr X your name has been found as having viewed all my 150 updates. You are my contact of the day thank you very much. I was like ?????????????? Real like story o

    • Dee

      January 10, 2018 at 8:16 pm

      @o…lmao!!!!

  15. kaycee

    January 10, 2018 at 11:18 am

    Ones*

  16. babym

    January 10, 2018 at 12:01 pm

    buhahahahahahahahahaha Savage!!! I’m tempted to try this with my mum in our family group but I don’t know if the black eye I will receive will be worth it! lol

  17. Timothy

    January 10, 2018 at 12:56 pm

    Why do some people feel the need to post hourly updates on their lives on SM…..like your life may be great and all….but dont u think the constant display will just make people tired of u….rhe one i dont get is how some people put posts up daily trying to infer how intelligent they r….or how great their relationships r…..or how kind and super motivated they r….

    • IQ

      January 10, 2018 at 1:21 pm

      Why do some people feel the need to moan and groan about how often others choose to update their social media? Or complain about how others are using their updates to try and look or sound a certain way?

      If it you’re so tired, look away darling. If it starts to hurt your peace, then you can even feel free to use your block button.

      Life is not that hard.

    • Ello Bae

      January 10, 2018 at 11:17 pm

      Timothy, I hate it when people type “r” instead of are. It’s annoying and I find it offensive but do you see me telling you or asking why you write like that??? It’s your life why should I feel the need to impose my preferences on you. After all you are not living your life for me or to please me. If people want to post a zillion pics on their social media, let them. Is it your social media page? Check yourself well and understand why you feel the way you do so that you can have closure.

  18. Timothy

    January 10, 2018 at 2:46 pm

    No one is groaning….and I asked a qst just to understand what drives the behaviour..
    On a slightly related note, with this current generation….most people find it hard to take any feedback or constructive criticism…u tell someone….u need to plan better ….or work harder…next thing is “oo….you r judging me…cant hang around people who dont make me feel good….i am not disturbing u…feel free to block..”

    The concept of live and let live is important but how r we really going to be greater than the generation before us when we r so averse to any uncomfortable situation or conversation that truly fires us up and allows us to be better refined versions of ourselves….

    Every successful person i have met at work or in social circles have one constant theme….they grew most in the face of adversity…whether personal…or professional…

    I think we need to do better and reflect when people tell us stuffs….granted the vehicle or mode of passing the feedback may not be the best….but you cant always deflect feedback with “hater/judging talk”

  19. Blue Butterfly

    January 10, 2018 at 4:37 pm

    Please if anyone knows a secondary school in Lagos currently recruiting biology,basic science or agricultural science teachers,please kindly post it in the comment section.
    I have a B.Sc and one year experience in teaching.
    Thank you.

  20. Mz_Danielz

    January 10, 2018 at 5:59 pm

    People oh, my comment wasn’t to make myself better or more mature than anyone. I actually just repeated Cisi’s words hoping it will be read in the same tone. I’ve never loved pictures or uploading stuff about my life. I don’t think I’m better or classier or yadi yadi ya than anyone. It’s just who I am and really I sometimes wish I was about the picture life cos I wonder what I’ll show my children. (Even before social media, I’ve always been camera shy; which few people believe because of my personality).

    The tone of the comment was an ‘I tire for myself one’ and not the way it’s being taken.

    • akama

      January 10, 2018 at 9:53 pm

      @Mz_Danielz I understood it the way you meant it to be understood. Don’t mind Poppy and tut_tut.

  21. Alterego

    January 11, 2018 at 1:23 am

    No one is talking about the whatsapp calls. I hate them. I cannot hear a word, echoes everywhere but dude is bent on it. Sigh.

  22. mich

    January 11, 2018 at 5:44 pm

    Cisi Eze, hateful somebody.

  23. Engoz

    January 11, 2018 at 8:00 pm

    Life will be boring without these personalities.

  24. whatsapp plus

    September 18, 2021 at 10:56 am

    thank you so much

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