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Peculiar Okafor: Single at Valentine ….. Ghost of Boyfriends Past

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I remember my first ‘toaster‘. I was 11 and in Jss3. I was wearing a white shirt and a green skirt and it was at 7&8 bus stop. I saw a guy staring at me intently and I knew that today would be the day I would be ‘toasted’ for the first time. I was excited, but tried to play it cool. He eventually walked up to me and asked me out. Of course my answer was ‘No’,  but I couldn’t wait to tell my friends. I was the youngest among them and they had all been toasted.

I remember my 1st boyfriend, I was 13 years and in SS2. He would come around and disturb me consistently. He irritated me,  but with time, I started to look forward to his disturbance. He also began to write poems which he dropped by the flower pots in our compound as well as hand made cards and drawings of me. I remember how the relationship started with the words ‘xxxxx kiss me’. I was the one who said this and that kiss was magical. We dated for three years. He moved to the Island but he sent mails daily, cards and money through friends.

He loved me, called me Senorita and I called him Senor-moi. He would calm me down when my hormones raged and I wanted to go farther than kissing and holding hands. He said I was beautiful but he loved my personality and heart more. Even when he moved to the Island, he did everything to keep in touch till he moved to South Africa and we lost touch.

I remember the first guy whose heart I broke. He was in final year and I was in first year. Our relationship was beautiful, loving and warm. I was safe around him and he was a good guy, handsome and Intelligent. He respected me and treated me right, but I broke up with him because I was bored. I remember him calling me, trying hard not to cry ‘I want to know the guy taking you from me’. I responded that there was no one and indeed there was no one; I was just bored and needed excitement. As an extremely blunt girl, I didn’t play games.

I remember the guy after him. He had been asking me out for a while (one of the many toasters I had in Uni). I decided to date him because he loved me and was rich, but two weeks after, I had to break up with him.hi told him the truth that I didn’t love him. After trying to reason with me, he gave up and simply said ‘you’re confused, be careful else boys will use you’.

I remember my first heart break. It was in second year, I had met him at a friend’s brother’s house and we had teased him mercilessly. We kissed at a party that evening and after he passed some tests I set, we started dating. Two months later, we broke up for a simple reason. He had failed on a promise to visit me because he had a match to watch. I called him the next day and jokingly asked him to visit me that evening, his words were ‘I’m tired’. He gave the same response when I told him I’d visit him instead and he said ‘honestly, I don’t want to see you this evening, I’m tired and I want to sleep’. I spent hours on the phone with him crying and asking to see him and he was adamant. That moment, we both knew it was over. We had a conversation days after and he said ‘let’s be friends.’ I stood up to walk to the door and he said ‘please don’t kiss me, it will mess things up’. I smiled and told him I understood. While we had a chemistry, it wasn’t enough. He apologized a year after but I was a different person then.

I remember my first abusive relationship and how it broke me so much I hated myself and men in general. I remember it took me two years to find myself. He remains the only guy I ever really loved.

Other relationships have been a blur because they were not the 1st of anything.

I remember my first marriage proposal. I was 16, he was a retired general. My mother prayed for me and said ‘my daughter, you will not marry an old man’. There have been several other proposals, but none of them have been from guys I like.

I remember a lot of things: the married toasters, the guys who said I toyed with their emotions ( I never intentionally did things like this but hey I guess it is what it is), the almost relationships but more importantly, I remember the girl I was all those time.

Starry eyed, curious and happy at 11.

Confident, talkative, emotional and extremely loving tomboy at 13.

Happy, extremely used to masculine attention, confident and at the edge of the end of my tomboy phase at 16.

Trying to find my fashion footing, dabbling in pageantry, hurting and holding on to an abusive relationship at 17.

Angry, bitter, sad, critical, insecure, low self esteemed, with a deep desire to repel men ages 18-21. Funny thing, I had quality toasters across all age groups and nationalities at this age, I partly believe my husband could have been one of them.

Healing and trying to get back to the dating game opening up slowly to guys 22-23.

Ending a steady relationship due to infidelity; 24.

Finding myself wholly and fully; 25.

The point where I found myself and became extremely aware of me is the period I’ve had my longest single spells – probably due to work, enjoying singleness and the thrill of meeting random people (to be honest, I started this man matter too early) and generally being my favorite person confident that I’ll be a single mother (for some weird reason, while I lost the man hate and anger I developed at 18, I always wanted to remain single, the thought of marriage held no appeal whatsoever.)

This valentine is different, while I have three dates planned (2 with married toasters who won’t leave me alone so I’ve decided to chop their money and one with a foooine brother I don’t like), I have never felt so single and alone. I long to love again, the way I did before I turned 18. I long to know I had someone and someone had me too, I have been in the dating scene too long, more than half of my years on earth and it is time for others to take over. Yes I nailed it, I want a child and while being a single mum is a fantasy, I know I’ll never try it so cupid has got to look in my direction cos love needs to find me but while I wait, I’ll spoil mu god children silly. Did I mention I’m the only single one amongst my friends.

P.S This is not a true life story.

Photo Credit© Kiosea39 Dreamstime.com

Peculiar is a Marketing communications personnel, she believes that one can have a full life without being bitchy and she wants it all 'A good career, love, laughter, wealth, you name it.She blogs at www.daworkdiva.blogspot.com.ng.. Follow her on Instagram @daworkdiva and Facebook 'www.facebook.com/Daworkdiva'

13 Comments

  1. My story

    February 14, 2018 at 4:09 pm

    This could be my story – except, no abusive relationship and I am now a single mum.

  2. Bloop

    February 14, 2018 at 6:58 pm

    What a waste of my time

    • Peculiar Okafor

      February 14, 2018 at 8:38 pm

      And indeed I apologize. I really wish I had written something that you wouldn’t consider a waste but it’s valentine and we are all ‘mushy’. Thanks a lot for reading though.

  3. Ruby

    February 14, 2018 at 7:05 pm

    This is so true- ‘The point where I found myself and became extremely aware of me is the period I’ve had my longest single spells’

    • Peculiar Okafor

      February 14, 2018 at 8:37 pm

      Wow. Maybe it’s the lack of a save me vibe. Who knows what Disney meant by a Knight in shinning armor saving the damsel in distress was a cool guy to help you find yourself.
      I kid Kid, love happens when it’s supposed to. happy valentine’s day dear.

  4. Amarachi

    February 14, 2018 at 9:53 pm

    Peculiar Okafor aka OPC!!

    I have this feeling you will not be a single mother. why? because you are amazing and I know if i were ‘a’ guy and ‘your’ guy and you got pregnant I would want to raise a family with you. You have this energy which these guys in this ‘poem’ you wrote cannot stand. But I’m a not a guy. and I cannot wait to meet the man who is strong enough to handle all the energy and awesomeness. And love all your wahala too, while you love his. That’s part of what love is about.

    Happy Valentine’s day. from me and Godson Chineme

    • Peculiar Okafor

      February 15, 2018 at 5:27 pm

      Now you’re going to make me cry and loose my hard babe rep.
      Kiss my godson for me.

  5. Labode

    February 14, 2018 at 11:44 pm

    This might not be a true life story,But I can pick my poisons from this article,the long single spell’s,the heart break+me been *Infidelity*

    Trust me this story is relative to so many of the reader

  6. Frollo

    February 15, 2018 at 3:20 am

    hI Peculiar

    lol, skepticism ruined my enjoyment of your write up. especially the part below.

    (((sorry Caps are used for illustration here, as I have not mastered the tools available in this blog..i am..not shouting…please take it in good faith)))

    He would come around and disturb me consistently. He irritated me, but with time, I started to look forward to his disturbance. He also began to write poems which he dropped by the flower pots in our compound as well as hand made cards and drawings of me.(KIKIKI)
    I remember how the relationship started with the words ‘xxxxx kiss me’. I was the one who said this and that kiss was magical.(FAIR ENOUGH) We dated for three years. He moved to the Island but he sent mails daily, cards and money through friends.(KIKIKI)

    He loved me, called me Senorita and I called him Senor-moi. He would calm me down when my hormones raged and I wanted to go farther than kissing and holding hands. He said I was beautiful but he loved my personality and heart more.(KIKIKIKIKI READS LIKE SOME JANE EYRE/DISNEY, SAVE-THE-WORLD-WITH-THE-POWER-OF-OUR-LOVE STING…LOL HIS HORMONES NO RAGE ABI? Even when he moved to the Island, he did everything to keep in touch till he moved to South Africa and we lost touch.(THIS PERFECT TEEN BOY SHOULD HAVE STAYED IN CHARACTER SENDING MAILS CARDS AND MONEY WHETHERS.A OR ISLAND, KIKIKIKI)

    Beautifully written fiction. I give you that, OPC. Did you grow up on Disney tales and M and Bs?

    I long for the day naija women are brave enough to tell their real story or at least relatable fiction

    boring/ arranged/ sordid/, scheming/, bittersweet/longsuffering and all that jazz

    its why I liked Sex and the City, Bridget jones diary(minus the crappy mills and boon aspects)

    and half of a yellow sun, both olenna and kainene..Check out Kassie in The Switch

    there is potential in naija female stories.. we see it play out in real life but not many speak about it. Even a fiction version of our reality.I wonder what version of your article ladies like kate henshaw, ini edo, tiwa, toke(ok I have read her version, she too longed for this disney/m and b thing, reality was,,), tonto dikeh will tell, if they wanted to.. or the various mrs danjumas, various mrs ojukwus, various mrs okoya, mrs okotie/mrs oyakhilomhe or the various mrs ffk, etc,, not mocking them, they just lived remarkable interesting lives.. If you think of it in m and b or disney thing .They were the princess of their story who got to marry the ‘prince’, or say m and b’s tall dark handsome (insert trademark)

    Peculiar, lovely lovely write up again..please I am not knocking your effort

    • Peculiar Okafor

      February 15, 2018 at 5:25 pm

      Thanks dear.

      Just so you know, as at the time he moved to S.A, he wasn’t a teen anymore, He was in his early twenties and was more realistic. His words were ‘I love you but don’t hold back your life because of me but I hope you stay’. She was the one who gave the final L to him cos she wanted to enjoy her youth.

      I hope say I try.

  7. www.ogeruthblogspot.com

    February 16, 2018 at 2:33 pm

    I totally enjoyed the write up. It’s hilarious and at the same time entertaining.

  8. Yellow sun

    February 17, 2018 at 7:11 am

    U started jss1 at 7-8 years old????
    Issokay
    Ss2 at 13..

    • peculiar okafor

      February 17, 2018 at 10:11 am

      I was 9 in Jss1 . Left secondary school at 14, stayed at home for 1 year, uni at 16, graduated at 20 (would have been 19 but there was a strike). You happy now?

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