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Osasogie Omoigui: How to Move Forward When You Don’t Have Closure

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Have you bombarded yourself with questions at the end of a relationship? Questions about what went wrong, how you both just fell off. I know I have. Actually, I was asking myself these very questions about eleven months ago. What do you do at the end of a relationship when it doesn’t really feel over or you aren’t ready for it to be done?

First, there is a breakup. It doesn’t really matter who ended it, but it ended. Despite the ending, you are still bonded to this person. You were used to having them around, hearing their voice, getting their texts, cuddling, and then, suddenly, it’s all gone.

Sometimes you know why it ended, and sometimes not. Oftentimes, you wish you could talk to that person to find some closure, some sort of validation that the relationship truly existed, that you meant something—anything.

Why They Avoid You
If you have a habit of picking emotionally challenged partners *raises hand* who would rather stare at Instagram or play games on their mobile phone than have actual conversations, then the chances of getting closure are quite slim. Oftentimes you have to make the closure for yourself.

What if they won’t talk to you? What if you follow all the experts’ advice on what to do after a breakup, and they completely ignore you anyway? I’ve had this happen.

Closure is something almost everyone would like. I mean, we humans like validation and understanding.

It can be easy to accept that someone doesn’t want to be with you. You can accept that the relationship has changed or that they want something else. What I think is unacceptable or what we can’t accept is our partner’s inability to communicate that fact effectively and tell us what went wrong.

In my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves. It isn’t about you. We always want it to be about us and our flaws and failures, but sometimes, it isn’t.

Many people don’t know how to deal with their emotions, so they prefer to avoid their feelings altogether, and this is most likely the reason they won’t talk to you. It has nothing to do with you or the relationship or something you did wrong or that you weren’t enough.

in my experience, people can’t always be honest with you because they can’t be honest with themselves

The First Time
I’ve dealt with trying to get closure a few times and it’s always awful. No one likes to not get answers they desperately need. But what you have to learn is that any answer you get won’t change anything, and it may or may not be the truth anyway.

It has happened at least twice. One guy I dated off and on for about a year and a half. I wanted to leave him after a while because he would never fully commit, but for some reason, I couldn’t. Eventually, the time for us to move on came. Then he suddenly became super nice to me, so so nice that it made me wonder what he was up to. I guessed he was struggling with trying to commit to me.

Of course, he couldn’t, and so he ended things before I could adapt to his new pattern.

To be honest, I knew the breakup was coming, so I accepted it and wished him well. Despite the end of the relationship, he had come to be an important part of my life. So I called a few weeks later and said I wanted to be friends and that he meant a lot to me.

He said he’d call me later in the week. Do you think I ever heard from him again? Of course not.

I was devastated. I wasn’t really sad about the loss of the relationship, but for the friendship I thought we had. Like a dummy, I reached out to him again several times after, and he literally said the same thing: “I’ll call you later in the week.” I was trying to get something from him that he could never give me.

After that call, I knew reaching out to him again would be a waste of my time and energy and would only cause me more pain, so I decided I would have to get closure for myself somehow.

When I look back, I realize I wanted him to validate our relationship. I wanted him to prove he meant what he said. I wanted to know I had meant something to him, anything. The truth is that I will never know, and I’ve had to come to terms with that.

Try This
If you are struggling with getting closure from an ex, ask yourself why you want to talk to them. Is it to get them back? Is it to get them to validate the relationship? Is it to try to get some type of reaction or any type of reaction? Are you pretending that you really need to give back that t-shirt or get back that book you let them borrow?

If you are making up reasons why you need to talk to them, then perhaps you need to get closure from yourself. If they won’t talk to you, reaching out will likely cause you more pain and frustration. So instead, I suggest the following:

1. Write a letter every time you feel the need to reach out for answers. You don’t have to send it. Just do it to put your feelings out.

2. Write out reasons why they may be avoiding you that have nothing to do with you.  We all create explanations in our heads as to why our ex won’t talk to us. We imagine they think bad things about us, they don’t want us, that we weren’t enough, or that everything was our fault. Thoughts in your head are just your interpretation of what happened, and they are usually incorrect. So try thinking in the direction of it being their fault, their own loss.

3. Unless this was your first love, remember that you loved before and you got over it. You control whether you move on. And you can decide if you want to wallow in self-pity and misery, or pick yourself up off the floor and be the spectacular, amazing person you are and get out there and show yourself to the world.

4. Be alone. Be still. Cry, if you want/need to and accept that what once was is no longer. If it’s meant to be in the future, it will find a way to work itself out. Maybe now is just not the time.

6. Live in abundance. They are not the only person in the world. There are literally millions of single people in the world. If you had love before, you will have it again. Stop thinking that you’ll never find someone else so wonderful. If they were so wonderful they would still be with you. They aren’t. They’re gone.

Think About It
What is it you are really hoping to hear? Do you think most people can admit their fears? Of course, we all would like our partner to care enough to tell us the truth no matter how much it hurts.

There are a million reasons that relationships don’t work and tons of reasons why your ex won’t talk to you. Don’t take on their issues and make them your own. Realize that we all have insecurities, and not all of us can understand how they impact us.

I’m sure you would love for your ex to say, “You are truly amazing and wonderful, but I don’t think we are a match.” The reason most won’t say this is that they don’t want you to come back at them with all sorts of reasons why you are a match, so they’d rather avoid the topic altogether.

For whatever reason, your ex has chosen to cease all communication with you. The best thing you can do is take it as a sign from the universe that it’s time to move on, and that any person worthy of being your partner would never leave you in the lurch like that.

Remember this saying, “If not this, something better.” These words sound stupid and irritating when your relationship has just ended, but they are true for a reason.

Sometimes you get closure and sometimes you don’t. Sometimes the lack of closure is the very lesson that you needed to learn. Maybe you needed to learn to validate yourself and accept yourself.

Consider seeing this person as a gift sent to you. They were brought to you as a reflection of yourself. Thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way in your mind.

Lastly, if you are waiting for your ex to give you closure, it might be time to dig deep inside and give it to yourself.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

Osasogie is a freelance content writer who has done extensive editing and proofreading of website articles. She specialises in editing grammar, punctuation and consistency of style. She can be reached for online writing and editing, ghost writing and reviews. She has since worked with NaijaPr and Ynaija. Email: [email protected]

6 Comments

  1. Kendall

    February 17, 2019 at 4:56 pm

    Great article. Well written. We need to be present enough in a relationship in order to recognize when things are falling apart. Therein lies the secret of getting closure easily. Either ways, we will all be alright.

  2. Xoe

    February 18, 2019 at 7:57 am

    My boyfriend of 3 years ghosted on me many years back. It took me some time to get over it but thank God for strength, I’m good now. We’ve spoken casually once or twice since but never about the breakup. I never wished him well after that lol. But issokay because I’m happy and thriving with my new family.

  3. Evergreen

    February 18, 2019 at 11:54 am

    It is not easy but you just have to put on your big girl’s pant and tell yourself that one day it won’t hurt again, my ex decided it was over in 2017 it hurt so bad because I could not believe the attitude he gave me when he wanted to call it quit the person that used to call many times daily decided to stop picking my calls and was avoiding me like a plague it was painful and I told myself I am going to overcome it, some days were good, some days I felt so sad, at a point I was angry because he did not tell me why he is avoiding me or not picking my calls but I took it one day at a time. Later I promise myself not to call again and decided to move on. However, at a point he called to see how I am coping and as at that time (maybe his conscience). Though I pick his calls I don’t even know why I do that. He still keeps in touch till date.

    I invested so much in the relationship and at times it was painful and each time I try to convince myself that one day I won’t feel pain any more. Having said that, one of the things I learnt is that times heals the wound, one day I was coming back from work and the pain was so intense that I can feel it in my throat and chest, then I beg God that whatever feelings I have for the guy God should been taken away completely, I invested my time in other things I love, before I attend church but I did not join the choir but during that time I joined the choir, so my weekend was busy, during the process God gave me a gift, I compose lots of song . I can express my feelings writing songs and gradually I began to feel like my usual self.

    Though I believed he has moved on immediately it happened because of the things I saw but I did not go into any relationship because I needed to sort out myself first and snap out of the feelings I felt for him and I don’t want to hurt anyone in the process. I have forgiven but I cannot forget his attitude what he did when he wanted to walk away. I was not afraid that he wanted to call it quit but it was his attitude that was painful, assuming he told me that he is no longer interested, God knows that I would have understand and accepted but since that was his way of saying it’s over then that sucks, he did not handle it like an adult..

    However, I also learnt that when you truly love someone, it does not go away. Now I am okay, I do not hate him, I do not dislike him and I am not sure if I can love like that anymore, I am not naive anymore and I am okay now and I thank God and I pray God meet everyone at the point of every our needs. As for me I have found my relationship with God as the closure I needed.

  4. mz_daniels

    February 18, 2019 at 12:21 pm

    Getting over breakups has never really been tough as I usually end things most times.

    However, over 4 years ago, Nov 2014 to be precise, I was the victim of a one night stand. This guy was the perfect loving gentleman untill baba chop run. I have not been able to get over it. Asin, if I meet the guy again, I’ll date him just to break up with him

  5. Evergreen

    February 20, 2019 at 1:19 pm

    @mz_daniels, I beg dont try it oh, you may hurt your self in the process at times we want vengeance because we are angry but we might regret it after getting what we want. I want you to take a deep breathe and accept that it was mistake and move on. You deserve the best

  6. Sparkle

    February 26, 2019 at 7:51 pm

    Sometimes, flirting on dating sites can make you feel beautiful again. Take time out to pamper yourself again, put extra attention on your looks again, exercise and spoil yourself now and then. It helps to feel worthy again, by doing all these. They helped me overcome my dearest hurt. I still cry when I think back, but the intervals get longer and longer. I can now talk to my ex without hurting. For me, it’s a sign of healing.

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