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How To Flex Like Someone Who Knows Billionaires…Personally

BellaNaija Features

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Let’s face it guys, making money is not beans. It is harrrdd! It is like removing food from the lion’s belly. With this scorching sun, terrible transportation, shouting, and agberoism in Nigeria, we need money. Beta moni! We need to leave this arena of suffering and smiling and join the enjoyment gang. At least, let the people around us have the opportunity to say they know one or two billionaires personally.

That is why when you hit it big, you need to live that baby boy’s life. After all, you will not carry the money to your grave.

If you just hit it big today as a Nigerian man, what would you do with all that money? We’ve got a few tips for you. You can thank us later – or better still, share that dough with us. 

Chop the life of your head

We’ve heard too many stories of people who hit it big and still refused to chop the life of their heads. See, this life is too short and anybody can peme at any time. That is why it is important for you to flex this money and enjoy yourself.

What is life when you cannot chop it well? If you have just hit it big as a Nigerian man and you’re not sure of how to spend this money, we’ve come through for you.

  • Make sure your perfume is on fleek. You see all those aboki perfumes in your wardrobe? Discard them. You need to buy perfumes that will reflect your new financial status. Perfumes like Annick Goutal Eau d’Hadrien, JAR Bolt of Lightning or Caron Poivre will simply do the trick.
  • Your wristwatch must blink. This is non-negotiable. If your wristwatch cannot blink, swim in water with you, call emergency services when you are in trouble, take you to the hospital and pay your hospital bills – is that one a wristwatch?
  • Your shoe must shine. With good shoes, a man will go far in life. If you want your new money to go far in life with you, then you have to buy good shoes. The quality of a man’s life is tied to the kind of shoes he wears.
  • Your accent. The truth is that as a new money man, you cannot afford to be speaking in that thick Yoruba, Igbo or Hausa accent anymore. You have to adopt the obodo-oyinbo style and learn how to speak like the British or American. Thankfully, we have the perfect tips on how to destroy your Nigerian accent.
  • Brand new car. To be a big Nigerian big man is to have a cha cha tia-rubber car that you can cruise about with. No Tokunbo, no yankee used car. How embarrassing will it be for your car to break down on Third Mainland Bridge? Pathetic!
  • Don’t live on the mainland. If you stay in Lagos, then stay away from the mainland. Whether you like it or not, the mainland will diminish your status and make you look like a pauper. The best places where your money will reflect on your forehead will be on the Island  – Banana Island and Osborne to be specific.

Now that we’ve established how to look and act the big man part, the next stage is to…

Get that Chieftancy title 

There’s a different level of respect that comes with the title ‘chief’. You cannot hit it big and not be a chief – life doesn’t work that way.

You need to be respected at home and abroad. Home first, after all, charity begins at home. To get that big man respect at your villa, then you need to become a chief. The easiest way to achieve this is to travel home for Christmas with your latest ride and loud music playing in it. Whenever guests come to visit you, dash them wads of clean naira notes – nothing less than 100,000 Niara each. When the moon comes out at night, visit all the elders and grease their palms with money. Chieftancy title made easier!

Marry Multiple Wives

We live in a world where it is getting increasingly difficult for women to get husbands. Once you come into money, you have to address this. There are so many women who do not have husbands and marrying them means you’ll be doing them a huge favour. As a new money man, you need to beautify your home with different flavours of women – fair, dark, slim, curvy and so on.

Aside from that, life gets sweeter when you have different hands rubbing your belly at the same time.

…Talking about belly 

Who’s a big man without a big belly? Even science has shown that having a big belly is a positive reflection of having big money – don’t ask for evidence. If your stomach is still flat, then you need to start eating late at night, stop cooking and start eating out. You also need to do away with our local food because you are now posh and local food is no longer for you. Say no to ajepako meals like rice, bread, spaghetti and the like and yes to Burger, Pizza, Shawarma and so on.

Become a politician

We all know that politics is a game of the rich and every rich man in Nigeria is a politician. To test the weight of your new money, join a political party and contest for governorship. All you need to do is to make your money work for you by sharing cups of rice and garri to the masses and watch them all vote for you. If you want to take a step further, buy wrapper, print your image on it, gather ‘boys’ and market women to campaign for you and then watch yourself win.

Are you a new money man? The most important thing in life is to spend this money whenever you have it. Planning for tomorrow is a façade that financial analysts want to use to dissuade you from living a good life. If you are rich today and broke tomorrow, at least it will be in your record that you have enjoyed life, right?

If anyone is coming to you with investment or saving tips, run as fast as you can – they’re all scammer trying to chop your money.

There’s absolutely no need to save or help people, invest or start any business – we will not carry all these things to heaven. Abi?

So chop your life and become broke tomorrow. No dulling

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