Titilayo Olurin: Are You Making Excuses for your Self-Sabotaging Behaviour?

“Why did you do it?”

It was not so much the question as how he asked it that made my skin tingle uncomfortably. He was slow, deliberate, and purposeful, uttering each word in his usual calm manner, his voice laden with pain.

“Why did you do it, Titi?” he asked again so quietly I might have strained my ears to hear.

I wanted to tell him that I had asked myself the same question over and over again on many a gloomy night. I wanted to tell him that I had acted in a moment of guilt, like I had told him before. I wanted to tell him that I regretted it and would give anything to take it back. But I did not. Instead, I let myself be enveloped by the silence that suddenly hung thickly in the air. It lasted only perhaps a split second. Yet, it was agonizing and seemed to go on without end.

A flurry of words that felt like little arrows piercing my brain soon followed. I would remember “dangerous” and “slither off” for a long time after that. Not only did these words make me feel terrible about myself, but they also made me realise what he thought of me and I was truly sad. Still, there was a part of me that knew I deserved the name-calling. Had I not, after all, “slithered off” behind his back to report some misconduct between us? I had gone looking for trouble where there was none, only to drag him right into it. I had, in effect, shattered the trust he had in me and destroyed our relationship or any chances of us ever being friends again.

Self-Sabotage: Would You Recognise the Signs?

Now, a little over a year since it happened, I have had time to reflect on what I did and it has dawned on me that it was an act of self-sabotage. You know that thing you do to get in your own way, which you blame your village people for, or when you use your hands to do yourself, as some would say? That’s self-sabotage, and it’s exactly what I did albeit unconsciously.

“Self-sabotaging is usually done unintentionally,” argues Adesewa M. Oguntuga, a certified fitness expert and trainer who helps women overcome their fear of attaining their fitness goals. “It’s done intentionally, too. But oftentimes, when people self-sabotage, they are not even aware of it.”

When I went sabotaging that relationship, I had no idea that that was what I was doing. The relationship was something I had desired for the longest time. But when it finally happened, even if it was in the most unconventional of circumstances, rather than enjoy it, I convinced myself that it was too good to be true and was bound to end badly. It’s the same way I recently sabotaged my finances, suddenly becoming a spendthrift and going against my better judgement to save. Well, because I started the highest-paying job I ever held in all my years of working, and I was certain that I did not deserve it.

“The feeling of inadequacy is a major cause of self-sabotage,” says Oguntuga.  “You think you are not good enough, you do not deserve it or can never attain a level of success. Some people begin a health and fitness journey but stop midway or refuse to eat healthy or exercise. They think they cannot be physically fit anyway so they sabotage their own efforts. It’s why it’s called self-sabotage. It’s like working against yourself.”

Studies show that other causes of self-sabotage include worry, fear, stress and anxiety, as well as self-hatred, feelings of worthlessness or incompetence, low self-esteem and self-confidence. Therapists agree that most people who self-sabotage do it because they do not believe that they can succeed at a particular goal. They are so ridden by the fear of failure that they do not bother to go the extra mile or they go as far as thwarting their plans and impeding their progress. Some actually have a fear of success, for they believe that they would be unable to sustain it once it is attained. It becomes a vicious cycle, because when these ones sabotage anything – a job, career, finances, relationship, health and fitness, they are left with the exact same feelings that led to the sabotage in the first place, which would in turn lead to more self-sabotaging.

“With every failed attempt, to do the things you want, you ‘prove’ to yourself that you can’t or shouldn’t do it,” MindTools team write.

But how do you recognise the signs of self-sabotage? In her article, ‘How to stop self-sabotaging: 5 steps to change your behaviour’, Allaya Cooks-Campbell identifies “controlling or micromanaging behaviour, picking fights or starting conflicts with colleagues and loved ones, setting goals that are too low or too high, avoiding or withdrawing from others, negative self-talk and extreme self-criticism, making excuses or blame-shifting, undermining your goals and values” as common signs of self-sabotage. According to MindTools, self-sabotage is also when you “forget a deadline, or fail to prepare a presentation properly.”

Stop Making Excuses!

So, you did not only miss a couple of deadlines this year, but you also procrastinated preparing for that meeting or interview till the last minute, showed up late to work more times than you can count, failed to complete that project, did not go through with what you needed to enter for that competition or do that work that could have helped you clinch the award, scholarship or contract you always wanted. No big deal, right? You can always do better next year. Ah, but that’s the thing! You might never get back the opportunities that you have missed. Besides, do you – you oh! not your village people – really want to be the reason your life sucks?

What then can you do to stop self-sabotaging? Be more self-aware, stop negative self-talk, and most importantly, stop making excuses for your self-sabotaging behaviour. Agatha Obi, a writer and content creator who admits to self-sabotaging her relationship said, “I had an idea that I was doing it. I had a very clear, bright idea that I was doing it. But I didn’t stop. I still kept doing it every single time. I think we always know. We always know that we are doing it.”

When we find it difficult to stop self-sabotaging, even when we are aware, it is because we keep making excuses for our behaviour and refuse to accept the truth that stares us in the face.