Elohor Ogaga-Edafe: Let’s Not Glamorise Toxic Relationships

Being in a toxic relationship is like indulging in a sugar binge – you may not want to stop, but in the end, you’ll end up sick and seeking medical attention. You’ve been with someone for over three years, and while he may seem like the man of your dreams, he’s a toxic person. Despite this, you may find it difficult to break things off with him. Perhaps you’re holding onto the good memories you’ve shared, or you keep telling yourself that things will change – even though deep down, you know they won’t. You’ve been trying to make things work for a while now, but nothing seems to be improving.

Many people who are in toxic relationships are aware of this fact, but they still struggle to leave. This is because toxic relationships often come with intense emotions – both negative and positive. Additionally, the constant effort to make things work can make it even harder to accept that it’s time to move on.

What’s a toxic relationship like?

In a relationship, one of the strongest signs you should look out for is your “peace”. A healthy relationship has its own “auto-cruising gear”. You don’t have to struggle with yourself to impress or perfectly fit into their lives. If your peace of mind is questionably out of place, you have to sit down and rethink. A toxic relationship has a way of sapping out your self-esteem and confidence. It makes you see only your weaknesses, your mistakes, your failures, your hurts and most of all — your insecurities. A toxic relationship gives you more crying days than happy days. A toxic relationship leaves you feeling exposed.

Normally, even in a healthy relationship, there are moments when one person has to put in more work to keep the ball rolling. Different situations and challenges can make one partner feel down, drained and emotionally disconnected to give quality attention and love. At this point, the other partner (with understanding) starts to put in more effort to help them get out of the situation and make them still feel loved, despite the hurdles. But it’s not okay if you’re the only one making an effort or all the efforts to sustain the relationship. 

“No pain, no gain” 

In 2024, you should have a change of perspective. This mantra “no pain, no gain” has been abused and should not be a part of what love should be. No doubt, everything comes with a price – but we’re mistaking it all for something that’s not even worthwhile.  In healthy relationships, love is forgiving, unconditional, sacrificial, accommodating, progressive and safe; not controlling, demanding, demeaning, abusive, painful and one-sided. 

The idea that you have to go through a series of pain to be happy is highly distorting, and one of the reasons many people have resorted to complacency – being content with toxicity.

A toxic partner becomes a toxic parent

The saddest part about complacency with toxicity is that we replicate toxic relationship dynamics – regardless of whom we are with, and recreate a chain that grows into a dysfunctional family system. As we know, the experiences we have as children shape a reasonable part of our lives. So imagine creating bonds fuelled by toxicity. This translates into a society that will eventually forget what a ‘healthy relationship’ should be like – both in romantic and platonic relationships.

For your sake and others, call a spade a spade. If it’s toxic, then it’s toxic. There’s no need to paint black as white when they’re in reality two contrasting colours. It’s not about you alone, a toxic partner becomes a toxic parent –generically you turn into a toxic personality even without you knowing it. The cycle doesn’t end there; your children eventually become so used to toxicity and will most likely follow through the same chain. Perhaps, if you begin to see things from this shade, you’ll jump at your feet and run away from toxic relationships. You’ll leave behind all the chemistry, highs and lows, and chills and face reality.

When You Should Use The Exit Door

It’s time to quit when it’s time to quit. Gaslighting, narcissism, self-centeredness, lovebombing, silent treatment, and ghosting are signals that tell us when it’s time to use the exit door. Paying attention to red flags and look out for what makes up a healthy relationship. We need to begin an era where we remodel what a healthy and productive relationship should look like. There’s a lot to be unlearnt, there’s even more we should learn. Guiding your heart is key – it’s time you tell yourself to not “fall in love” again. Walk in love, build in love and grow in love instead. If you’re going to fall again – then fall with your eyes wide open.

 

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