How Much Does The Japa Wave Affect Those at Home?

One thing that is often associated with the stories of relocation (japa) is loneliness. We hear people who have relocated narrating how lonely it is for them to settle in a new country and culture. Some say they go for many years without making any new connections and friendships except where necessary like work or any other official setting. They don’t often have friends to gist with, to laugh with and grab snacks at a restaurant with.

However, the loneliness experience is not only peculiar to those who have relocated; their relocation leaves huge jabs in the hearts of those left behind. Friends have departed each other, children have departed their parents and siblings have departed each other. Those we run to at home for help have left, and those we’ve built years of friendship with suddenly become too distant to reach and we’re left to figure things out on our own.

In essence, as those who have relocated struggle to make new friendships and connections, those left behind also suffer the same consequences. We spoke to Precious, Oyeintare, Joseph, Funmilola, Tosin and Wole whose friends and family members have relocated and how it affects them. From their responses, they share how lonely they’ve become and how it has affected their social interactions.

Hey guys. So you have people that have japa’d (relocated)?

Precious: I have a lot that I am beginning to lose count.

Oyeintare: Yes, my sister, who is my best friend, moved to Canada in 2022.

Joseph: Who doesn’t have anyone that has japa’d at this point? From schoolmates to colleagues to close friends and even family members. I think we all have someone who has left this country’s shores in the last 3 years.

Funmilola: Exactly.

Tosin: My closest friends are now outside of the country.

Wole: Yep, but the recent one is my cousin, my big brother.

What’s your relationship like with these people and what makes you miss them a lot?

Precious: The majority of them are my friends that we go way back. The relocation wave hit my camp between 2022 and now. Another is leaving this month. We used to meet up monthly to catch up on adulting and life because work won’t allow us to do that as often and attend functions together. Now we won’t be able to do that anymore.

Oyeintare: I miss my sister because she’s like my support system. Before, we could randomly barge into each other’s house or office. I used to go to her house on Sundays for breakfast or go out regularly for brunch. Losing these is quite painful.

Joseph: ⁠He’s my closest friend. We lived in the same estate and practically facilitated the renting of my current place. Knowing that I have someone to go to from time to time to chill was a great feeling. Knowing that, at least, you have someone who can just pull up at yours and y’all will have a great time is something I miss. It’s not easy being alone in this world o.

Before nko, Joseph?

See, we underestimate the importance of having people you commune with every couple of days. Working from home for the last four years has made this even more glaring.

Funmilola: Mine’s an older family friend. We’ve been friends for a while, but we became very close last year, and he relocated in October. What I miss is the endless gist, especially over hot white rice and stew with grilled fish, and a bottle of wine. There’s never a dull moment with him, and there’s always something interesting to talk about. We could gather in the sitting room with his friend, along with my sisters, and talk and talk and talk. The conversations were always lively and filled with laughter. Although I’m genuinely grateful for phone conversations now that he’s far away, no matter how long we talk, it’s hard to replicate the same connection we shared in person.

Tosin: They’re my closest friends; friends I met while growing up, friends I met while in the university, at work, colleagues who turned friends. We used to spend a lot of time together, going out every other weekend, or every month’s end, having fun, sharing thoughts and visions. That physical connection is priceless. I miss it a lot.

Wole: He relocated on the 20th of October 2023 and I miss bullying him. As the supposed big brother, I have my ways of making him and the rest of my cousins obey me through brutal force of course. Besides that, I miss the days when we had conversations about not having girlfriends before we made it and the urgent need to leave this country in search of greener pastures. I miss these conversations and the minor physical pain I inflicted on him.

Truly, we do not know how much it means to have these people around us. How have these relocations affected you guys and how are you coping?

Precious: The first time my close friend left, my heart broke! Then another and another, so I guess I just built a guard. it happened so much that my mind began to accept this new reality and disconnect. Now when my friend announces their plans to leave, I feel nothing but happiness to see them prosper in this path that they’ve chosen. It’s become a lot and there is nothing I can do about it.

Oyeintare: It was tough. She gave birth last year and I haven’t seen my niece since she was born. Now, I am finding it difficult to accommodate new relationships beyond hello/hi. So I spend a lot of my time by myself and hardly hang out. It’s lonely. I’m somewhat coping with regular video calls and constant communication.

Joseph: I have other friends who are still here (one actually, lol) but we hardly see. The one who I used to see multiple times a week (we used to even go to the same gym) is the one that japa’d. Now, no one is coming to look for you. You don’t have anyone you can just stroll to theirs or drive a few kilometres to theirs. Tough life. I’m trying my best with new connections. But the way I am, I only make connections through a shared experience/community like school, office, church and others, but I no longer visit these places. Again, tough life. I’m trying my best sha. It also doesn’t help that I’m a couch potato. But I’m making conscious effort to see my other friends who are still here, and having time to just spend time with each other and spark joy.

Funmilola: To be honest, it was tough. I was genuinely happy for him. I summoned the courage to accompany him and his family to the airport. It was there that I realised a part of me was leaving to build a new life, and that saddened me. It has been a bit challenging, especially for someone like me who finds it difficult to make new friends. There’s a certain comfort in the familiarity of old friends that is hard to replace. Making new friends seems like an arduous task, and physically there are not many people around to chat with. Most conversations now take place through Facetime or WhatsApp video calls. I’m not eager to make new connections, especially when they can decide to relocate as well. It feels like a never-ending cycle. Since the middle of last year, I’ve been to the airport four times, not to say welcome, but goodbyes. I don’t think I want to go through that again.

Tosin: Their relocation stopped our monthly outings. That was the first shock. From 6 people to 5, 4, 3, 2 and then no one else. There was no one else there to share time and moments with. We now connect virtually and talk about how we miss the physical moments we shared. I have not been coping. I haven’t filled that void yet, and I have been trying to create new connections, intentionally trying to make new friends and meet new people, by spending more time on social media, joining discussion forums and a book and salsa club. My japa’d friends and I talk every other day till this moment, but the physical connection is missed, and I just hope I can create new connections to fill this void and create new fond.

Wole: It was a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with happiness and a tinge of jealousy. I had to quell the latter, as I wished it was me experiencing that joy. At the time, I was serving my PPA and it felt like I was living through hell. At some point, I felt like I hadn’t accomplished anything significant in my life. To cope, I’m focusing on my career as a photographer/retoucher, while also searching for opportunities to gain insider knowledge and improve my skills. On the days I’m able to, I also trade cryptocurrency. For now, I’m trying to make connections in the photography industry. Additionally, I’m working on overcoming my timid personality. I refuse to hold myself back this year.

So guys, do these departures influence your decision to relocate too?

Precious: Actually no, because here feels too familiar and all the people I know are here. I can’t just uproot my life to start again; it’s scary. I still have good friends around so that’s my solace and I am trying to make new friends; sometimes I make progress, and other times I just let it be.

Oyeintare: I’m yet to make up my mind, to be honest. I keep saying I’ll start the process but I never really follow up aggressively. But it’s up there in my plans for 2024. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll be more aggressive about it.

Joseph: Still not considering leaving the country. It has never been on my mind. I say that the things and people that make me happy are all here. You can say “What happens now that everyone is leaving?” Well, they are all leaving for different parts of the world. So, it’s not like when I leave, I’m leaving to join them. My family is still here. It gives me joy to know that I can get up one morning, leave the house, see them and be home before dinner. Maybe sometime in the future, I might want to leave. But right now, no. I’ve always said maybe a job can take me out of here; so, when the opportunity comes, I’d know what to do. For now, we pin.

Funmilola: I don’t think that’s enough reason to influence my decision to relocate. Currently, my friends who have moved are scattered across different continents. If I were to consider relocation, it would primarily be for better economic opportunities and the desire for new experiences.

Tosin: For me, their relocation does not influence my decision to japa because my work — as an artist — occasionally takes me outside of my home country, and I am one to feel homesick. I do not want to be far away from my family and the little connection I have started to create. I do not want to be far away from my family and the little connection I have started to create.

Wole: Me I’m searching for japa routes o.