BN Hot Topic: In With the Baby, Out With the Fire! Do Babies Really Dull the Marriage Spark?

I’ve heard my newly married friends swear by the old gods that the arrival of a baby would NOT change anything in their marriage. Then, after the blood test or the peeing on the stick, confirming that a baby is on its way, you see slight changes… and I don’t mean the anatomical ones. There’s the shopping and the redecorating. In less than a year, there’ll be a new member of the family and there’s a lot to be done in preparation;  financially and psychologically.

It’s fun watching newly expecting couples fuss over the decoration of the baby’s new room. The excitement of what ‘peacefully soothing colours’ to paint the room and what kind of glittering stars should be stuck on the ceiling is almost palpable. However, I’ve found that many new babies don’t sleep in these nice fancy rooms. I asked my friend Aina, (in fact, she bought a baby monitor sef!) why her baby wasn’t sleeping in the baby room (that she spent thousands of Naira to set up) and her response was “ah! the stress of getting up every time Tish cries is too much. I had to bring the cot to our room.” With a lot of new parents, the babies sleep in the bed, close to the mothers for ease of night feeding and general bonding.

However, it makes you wonder where this leaves the man, especially as the woman is clearly engrossed in the new baby activities. This morning, I was talking to Ariyike about this topic and she said she and her husband did all night-time feeds together, and so it wasn’t really a big deal that the baby was sleeping in their bed. In fact, “it even made us closer sef”. My friend, Jemide, said he moved into the guest room when their baby was born because he needed a full night’s rest. When I clucked my tongue at how selfish he was coming across, he pointed out that he needed to be properly charged for a day at work so, according to him, he didn’t want to get fired.

Some husbands have complained of being neglected with the advent of kids; some have even said that the dwindled attention from their wives have left them feeling particularly unloved.

What do you guys think? Do you think that with babies come the dimming of all the bright lights of marriage? Do you agree everything changes when babies come?  As a guy, do you think that the baby being in your room reduces the attention you were getting? As a mother, can you put your foot down and say “No! this baby is going to stay in his/her room and that’s that?” When is the cut off point when the baby stays out of your bed? How do you maintain that va-va-voom in your union irrespective of the inclusion of a baby?

What are your thoughts on this? Let’s discuss! (Oh! and people who don’t have babies can tell us what they have experienced with nieces and nephews as well as what they plan to do when the ‘wheel of fortune’ spins in their direction)

Photo credit: photosbysri.com

90 Comments on BN Hot Topic: In With the Baby, Out With the Fire! Do Babies Really Dull the Marriage Spark?
  • Angel December 6, 2012 at 2:56 pm

    I think a baby really affects the marriage, that’s why some people advise newly weds to wait a year or two before having kids so that the couple can bond well. Because once you start having kids, they will be in your life till they move out and get married.
    Also, babies affect the sex life of a couple, first of all the new mother’s libido drops completely, there’s no more privacy and this can cause problems in a marriage although no one will be willing to admit that the lack of sex is driving a wedge between the couple but that lack of intimacy can cause problems. Serious ones. Having a baby right after marriage is our custom, but isn’t advisable, in order to strengthen the marriage.

    • T.S. December 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      “Having a baby right after marriage is our custom” – I completely disagree with this statement. The woman and her husband should decide the right time for them to have a baby. You only make it your custom when you fall into the trap of doing what the parents/aunties/uncles want you to do rather than doing what is best for you two. Are they going to take care of the baby for you? No!

  • @miss_nwawe December 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    *grabs popcorn* waiting for BN commentors to start dishing out their opinions..

    • Tracey December 6, 2012 at 7:38 pm

      Why not dish your own? …..you’re waiting for other people to feed you with comments

      • tata December 12, 2012 at 7:31 pm

        and what is wrong with that?

  • Bleed blue December 6, 2012 at 3:00 pm

    Loving the topic…I have stories for days but let me first of all balance and read other people’s comments…

    Oya BellaNaijarians….faya on!

  • Yinka December 6, 2012 at 3:08 pm

    In my case the first 2 months were rough….so intimacy with my husband definitely suffered……but now things are so much better….the sex couldnt be better

  • Gold December 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm

    YOu’Re definitely Right. With the arrival of a baby, there’re bound to be changes in the home. I have 2 kids and I’m definitely talking from experience. With my 1st, my hubby left the room for my mom in-law & I for 3mths while he slept in the visitors room. I never envisaged this not until it happened. But guess what, he stayed with us in the room for about a wk before he left. I’m sure he changed his mind due to the baby’s crust night. With my 2nd, he also has chosen not to sleep in our room. Right now, I sleep with the kids while he sleeps elsewhere. But I must add that he’s remained a loving & caring husband. It’s just that he doesn’t sleep with us.

    I understand his stand bcos i’m the one on maternity leave. I get to catch some sleep during the day, when the baby(9wks old) is asleep while he’s at work.

  • Diva December 6, 2012 at 3:12 pm

    Hmmmmmm…. I need to read the comments because i’m getting married soon

  • Gold December 6, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Cry at night*

  • Som-t December 6, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    @Beed blue, i agree with yu , wanna read other people’s comment on this topic…interesting topic too

    • Bleed blue December 6, 2012 at 3:49 pm

      My name is Bleed Blue jor not Beed Blue :) but anyhuu now that we are better acquainted, yes oh Som-t, let’s feed our eyes

  • Onyeka December 6, 2012 at 3:20 pm

    I am the first to read….. Ok my comment. I have stayed with my sis till d time she had to push d baby out nd doctor said I had to leave the labour room an trust me,wen I saw d pain my sister felt during dilation(correct me if am wrong with dat word)I changed my mind abt giving birth infact I told mysef I would jst adopt .I stood closly @ d door earing my sis scream as she tried to push,nd started crying,cos I felt the pain so strong.bt wen my neice came ohhh wat joynd I totally forgot my previous plan. My sisters routine changed totally ,no more sleep @ Nite cos baby nid food, her whole life was redirected to her baby,as for her hubby,he wasn’t in Nigeria @ d time so didn’t nid to feel negeleted, but 4 mi my busby wud be with me all d way,if am nt sleeping He should nt think of closing is eyes. By God’s grace I wud marry a man not a grown male who instead of being concerned abt his child nd wife wud b considering himself..so help me God Amen.

  • Neo December 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    I”ve been a firm advocate of babies sleeping in their own rooms from birth. I dont have kids but i’ve co-raised many nieces and nephews. One sister has 3 kids, 2 were born and bred in Nigeria and slept in their own rooms from birth, the last one was born during a two yr sabbatical in France and at age 6 today he is the only one who wakes up in the middle of the night to go sleep in his parents room. They’ve tried evrything including locking their door at night, and he just stands outside their door and cries till evrybody else wakes up.

    The risk of having your baby in your own bed is far higher than having them in a cot in the next room. I know a girl with a bad leg today cos she rolled off her parents bed and fell to the floor. I get that a lot of new parents are scared to have their babies far from them and the stress of getting up each time the baby cries can be too much, personally i plan to have my babies sleep on their own in their rooms from DAY ONE! Not jus for the sake of Daddy and I, but also to have independent kids early on. If you’ve spent a dark and cramped 9 months in some dark and wet womb wouldnt u want ur own space? lol!

    • purplepearl December 6, 2012 at 3:52 pm

      Your last paragraph cracked me up. LOL

    • anonymous May 7, 2013 at 1:58 pm

      lmaoooo…..mum did the same with everyone of us and we are 4, sent us off to boarding house as soon as she got the chance. but i tell you..it also strains parent-children rels, cause the bond is not so strong jare….unlike those kids who had thier parents there every step of the way..its a two way thing and if not well planned and balanced still affects one of the parties, the hubby or the kids

  • IfeD December 6, 2012 at 3:27 pm

    Agreed its tough, but we mothers have to learn to let go. As for me my baby “moved” out once he was about 13months, reason he stayed in his crib that long is because Hubby works rotation so is home sometimes and off to work for other times. Hubby wanted him out by 9months i begged cos i breastfed till 11months. My 30month old boy sleeps alone in his crib in his room, my mama said she did same to us…just get a baby monitor, trust me nights he wakes he screams u cant sleep off the wail….It even makes the child more independent.
    Finally like hubby says, i married u not kids so he comes 1st, once u knw what you man wants do it i guess….mine wants me out with him so i cant use baby as an excuse….end of the day these kids grow up and move out then we are left alone, lets build the relationship now!!

    • gem ma December 6, 2012 at 3:53 pm

      @ifed i agree with you.I am single and know I am in no right position to say what it feels like.But one thing I keep telling my friends and I is that your babyboy is someone else’s husband and ditto,your babygirl. So the earlier you get your husband involved in the baby stress,the more your marital bond is preserved.But if you get so involved in your baby’s life,be ready to cast and bind cos he would look for attention else were. So I have decided,that I would keep the baby in his/her room very close to my hubby’s room.Or,if the baby is a non stop towncrier, for the first 5 months,your cot wud be in our room and then move out once the baby is 5months old.I know I can’t do this all by myself and thats why I(am 21) have started praying to God to give me the strength to be a good wife and mother.#thestruggleswomengothroughinlife#

  • Yetunde December 6, 2012 at 3:28 pm

    Having a child is life changing. My daughter sleeps with us cos honestly the idea of getting up a couple of times to feed is a task on its own. DH is very understanding, initially he slept in a separate room but hes moved back in and we’ve found a way to make it work. Plus madam is an angel just feeds n falls right back asleep…one just needs to find a way to balance it all…

    • IfeD December 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm

      The earlier you sleep train her the better….thats y u get toddlers sleeping with their parents, my cousin wld lock her room in the afternoon to have sex with her own husband o cos the kids sleep with them at night…i trust my husband he wld throw that child out!! lol

  • ‘A December 6, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    I’m not married yet so I can’t really say if it affects marriage or not but my plan is to start having kids after 2years and here are my reasons:
    I need to bond with my husband in those two years, go out, have fun, experience one or two challenges and get them sorted by God’s grace together.
    Secondly, we need to plan and prepare for the arrival of the kid(s). Plan and prepare emotionally/psychologically – having kids comes with a lot of challenges so I think we need to plan. Plan and prepare FINANCIALLY – I had to yell cos creches aren’t smiling nowadays, some 80k per term, some are more expensive, nursery schools aren’t beans either. Me and hubby need to save for the arrival and upkeep.
    Also, I’ve heard from so many married folks how their relationships with their hubbies strained right after the arrival of their children -yes,the wife dedicates more time to the child and the husband feels neglected afterwards. We also need to prepare each other somewhat for that.
    And finally, my mum used to tell me (in Yoruba) that the moment you have a child, you’ll ‘rear’ (I can’t find the appropriate word please) that child till the very end – thus,take your time before bringing them into this world.

    PS: We should bear in mind ladies who get married in their 30s; I don’t think they’ll buy my epistle at all. But I’ll understand.

    • Tracey December 6, 2012 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you for adding that very last sentence, you are indeed a mature lady.
      Talk is cheap. It’s easier to plan and say what will happen in 2yrs.
      Pray you don’t marry on or after 30yrs old, ‘cos with these plans, you’l think and act otherwise

  • Motunrayo December 6, 2012 at 3:47 pm

    Well I lived with my cousin and her husband for a while. For the first 6 months after she had her baby, her mom came to also live with us and the baby slept with grandma in the visitors room, lol. So I guess there was lots of “bonding” going on while grandma took care of business. By the time she left, the baby could sleep through the night, so she remained in the other room. It was only on days when her husband was out of town that the baby slept in the same room with her and on other days she either slept alone or with me. I sincerely think that this is because they had the baby 4 years after marriage, so their bond was really tight, and besides, they had help from reliable grandma. Even till date, the little girl is a wonderful addition to their family, but that’s all she is, an addition not a replacement for either of them, the couple’s bond is still so tight.

  • ij December 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    i’m sure it does, i dont have any kids but the gist is about my neighbor a Bangladeshi couple, they have a 5yr old and twin baby girls , the mom is a housewife and the dad works crazy shifts .
    All kids sleep with their mum , so the princess room the dad did up for their older daughter thinking that it will entice her to sleep on her own , has become their daddy’s room
    I tutor the older kid an hour 4times a week i.e 4hrs a week.
    I only just noticed that this very 4hrs i teach their older daughter is the time they catch up on conjugal things.
    Because one very day , the mum came to me to ask if i was free to teach today before i could even say yes or no , she dumped the daughter and her book bag inside my room, closed the door and flew downstairs.
    So i proceeded to teach oh ,then i noticed that the teacher’s note to the parents was not in the girls bag, that’s how i went downstairs , just as i was about to knock , the noise i was hearing was not a joke , they were not playing at all. i retreated nicely
    i noticed that it is always when the man comes home early that the mum comes and asks can you teach her today? in my mind i will laugh and say yes oya go and handle your business before agro wounds you but you have an hour oh!! no more no less

    • Iya Oloja December 6, 2012 at 5:40 pm

      Hahaha…that is so funny. Plus the Dad now sleeping in the princess room. Lwkmd!

    • ABCOG December 6, 2012 at 6:05 pm

      lol

    • Me December 6, 2012 at 8:35 pm

      Lol! you are a funny lady, I enjoyed your stoty

  • Priscy December 6, 2012 at 3:54 pm

    more comments please as i am learning from this few already..

  • penelopeia December 6, 2012 at 4:18 pm

    I have been married for 11 months now and I am thankfull to God that I do not have any kids now. This 11 month period has been good for hubby and I in terms of bonding; walking in the houses naked, sex in the kitchen and every space we find, am loving every bit of it. I know when baby comes things will change but I will involve him as much as possible so I am not overwhelmed. My marriage is important to me the children are bonuses…

    • Jessica December 6, 2012 at 4:43 pm

      lol @ sex in the kitchen.

    • Idak December 6, 2012 at 7:22 pm

      you just wrote my experience years back.
      One thing is certain, when the kids arrive, no more unplanned sex. All those days of watching a drama on tv and while the credits are rolling you just grab your partner and find yourselves making out on the rug end the day the baby arrive. Sex becomes very planned and location of action well marked out. I wonder how folks say nothing changes. Whether the changes have an adverse effect is a whole different matter.

  • ada December 6, 2012 at 4:22 pm

    the way that baby is leaning is sooo funny and cute…without a care in the world…as if saying ‘this people don talk finish, me i wan eat O’ gbam

  • vhee December 6, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    lmaooo..ij..your last words are really funny*can,t stop laughing*

  • divea December 6, 2012 at 4:24 pm

    In my personal opinion bringing children to a new marriage makes things somewhat difficult. Although children are wonderful and great…husbands and wives tend to put their children in each others roles when the marriage has not yet had time to go through struggles and triumphs. In a new marriage you only get on shot while you are young to get to know each other deeper and learn how to work out problems and also go out when you want. When you have children you can’t just spend time alone anymore. You rarely get even one minute together and learning how to have quality time as a couple before children come along will help beyond measure. A few years is a lot of progress and preparation if you work at it and the children and both of you will be much better off if you wait.Also having a baby takes away many things you and especially your man look forward to in a marriage. Companionship and sex. Yes men look forward to sex when and how they like it..and it is a scientific fact that women have issues with sex after having a baby. First many women have low sex drive chemically and due to the fact that they are tired for a long time after the baby is born and also your body changes and you may not feel pretty anymore. Coupled with the fact that babies are a 24/7 job..it is hard to find time to exercise and just even get dressed up. This leads to both the woman and the man being unsatisfied and feeling unhappy. Which drives them apart and drives one or both to just concentrating on their children instead of their marriage.That’s why it is best to have that sweet time before children come along.

  • oyin December 6, 2012 at 4:27 pm

    some of the comments here are a bit shocking.letting a baby in a room on her own from the day shes born i

    • Jats December 6, 2012 at 6:19 pm

      Nothing shocking about that really. As long as baby is safe, avoid SIDS, then baby is good to go.The baby will grow up and leave- you have you and hubby left. Build a firm foundation at the onset.

    • LB December 6, 2012 at 6:39 pm

      What’s shocking about that? Nigerian mentality, baby has his crib, there’s monitor so what’s shocking?

      • hateunrealisticpple December 6, 2012 at 9:19 pm

        oga o! even oyinbos say its best after 6months! I have a baby and i support independence. But day 1 is a dangerous play! what happens when your baby falls asleep in the other room and the blanket covers their face on a day your soo knackered that you cant watch the monitor permanently? a friend of mine lost her baby just becos of that. Cot death! Abeg to each their own!

      • Rolake December 6, 2012 at 9:36 pm

        The blanket over the face can happen even after 6months. It can happen even while the baby sleeps in your room. Like you said, you will so tired, you won’t even notice if your baby has stopped breathing even if he/she is in a cot right beside your bed. Buy a breathing monitor instead or get one that combines baby movement sensor. They are quite good. They raise an alarm if the baby stops breathing or stops moving. Yes don’t put all your faith in technology, but you can’t watch your baby 24/7 even if he/she sleeps in your room. Our lives are so hectic and chaotic these days, with added stress and fatigue, mums need all the help they can get, and technology can give you that help. Also, put your baby to sleep on his back with his feet at the foot of his cot, so he won’t be able to wriggle down under his bedding. I advocate the 1st six months too, after that, sorry precious, you are going to your room. Daddy and I need to get jiggy

  • Some hater December 6, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    OMG!!!! I love this topic. seriously all my friends and family that have gotten married have immediatley gotten knocked up! KAMAN! is that the only reason you got married?

  • aby December 6, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    its all about planning.the couple should plan when they are ready to have a child and not rush into making babes immediately after marriage IF THEY ARE NOT READY cos u’re seriously on your own and as we’ve seen,it affects a lot of marriages and sincerely the woman is blamed most times which usually isnt her fault.its just that while trying to fit into the new acquired role’mummy’….daddy gets to suffer. so my advice is PLAN TOGETHER AND PRAY TO GOD FOR HELP FOR THAT PHASE of your lives

  • Nkechi December 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Most men start cheating around the same time their babies are born. If you get married a virgin or not get on birth control if you aren’t on it already a month before your wedding and stay on it until you are both ready for babies. I like what someone said above that you should not only be financially but emotionally and psychologically prepared for a baby.

    • Idak December 6, 2012 at 7:11 pm

      I struggle with all these arguments. Men cheat when they want and feel like cheating. Has nothing to do with whether you are losing weight, over weight, pregnant, just had a baby, a virgin before marriage or a whore afterwards. Women need to stop looking for all these silly excuses. They are not true. Most men who cheat do not even know why they cheat.

      • AA December 6, 2012 at 11:41 pm

        Wo, God bless you for this. Why do we women blame ourselves for the man’s shortcomings???

    • Gimmer December 8, 2012 at 4:32 am

      Stop making excues for unfaithful men. Such men will cheat PERIOD. Don’t matter if baby or not. I’m repulsed by this incessant need to endlessly blame women for men’s despicable behavior

  • dont mention December 6, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    i do live in nanny with one of the sweetest couples in the world. they took their 4yr old daughter outta her crib too early, probably when she was 1.5 yrs old bc her brother was on the way. what they failed to do was emphasise with her, the need for her to stay asleep in her humongous bed. so every night she waltzed into their room, they will let her sleep and now, they cant seem to get her to stop the habbit.
    needless, to say they hav learnt their lessons n that wont repeat itself with the youngest one.
    but i tell u honestly, this people hav got the manual for marriage bc they def make it work with the kids.
    Like somebody said above, they waited 3yrs to hav kids, thats bc they were enjoying each other, figuring each other out n having fun n planning for the coming of the kids bc no b teeth to raise pikin for dis america.
    n now that the kids r here, it doesnt stop them from being there for each other, reason y they hired me a live in nanny to make dier life comfortable. they go out on their dates, attend functions, n still find time to get freaky when the kids r in school or when they put them down early in the evening.they hav it down to a science n their union n whole family is so beautiful n i as an african can only aspire to that. i am in a loving relationship right now n my bf talks like someone who wud def b willing to do all that he can to still hav time with his lady regardless of the kids n i hope we can build that home together bc he would make such a wonderful husband n father. i watch these people every day n am learning lessons dat i will def apply in my own marriage. what to do n what not to do. kids r a blessing n they def put a stress on the marriage but its all abt planning n working as a team with ur husband, u can hv de best of both worlds, n yep, its possible n i can say that bc i hav seen it first hand. oyinbo people, some, sabi do de thing wella.

    vikkyscreed.blogspot.com

  • oyin December 6, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    some of the comments here are a bit shocking.letting a baby sleep in a room on her own from the day shes born is just ridiculous,u are saying a baby fell off a bed when she was co sleeping with her parents,thats d fault of the parents cos ideally if ur baby is sleeping on your bed the baby has to b in d middle to avoid rolling over.there are more dangers of leaving a new baby on their own because they could choke in their sleep and u might not hear,letting a child sleep in her room has nothing to do with being independent.for heavens sake they are still babies,its so annoying that Nigerians want to pick up other peoples cultures and abandon theirs.how many of us had our room when we were a day old?even the western world that started it is doing everything to reverse their silly culture of where you leave kids on their own too early and when they grow up they dont have a strong bond with their parents,thats why family values means absolutely nothing to them and while they might live in the same city with their parents they might not see them for years and when their parents are old they put them in a nursing home.is that d future u want for urself and ur kids.yes kids put a strain on your marriage but then you decided to make a family so must face the challenges.i have a 10 months old son who sleeps on d bed with me and my husband or in a cot in our bedroom from d day he was born and hes d happiest baby ever.and yes our sex life is good,not as good as when it was just the two of us but to us being a parent comes before sex.as long as you marry a man who is truly urs your marriAGE will be rock solid even with all the stress of ur new baby.and these babies are only babies for a while so why not enjoy those moments.

    • Tim December 6, 2012 at 6:04 pm

      I agree with you , we forget sex should be the only Why two People decides to be together and is really important that we creat that strong bond with our children and that will make them feel safe and happy.

    • Jats December 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm

      Nothing shocking about that really. As long as baby is safe, avoid SIDS, then baby is good to go.The baby will grow up and leave- you have you and hubby left. Build a firm foundation at the onset.Don’t forget you need to nurture that marriage. Men don’t always speak out what they feel- they are more of watchers and absorbing. Some men speak out finally, but then it is close to being late.

      • hateunrealisticpple December 6, 2012 at 9:30 pm

        All this build a firm foundation, get to know each other better bla d bla..PLS thats why you court b4 marriage! to do the knowing! SO SEX is now the most crucial than baby being safe? my baby is 10mnths old, sleeps on her own but yet i still havent had sex since her birth ! why? becos i dont feel ready. My hubby was there when i pushed her out and as a result he understands everything. Sex to us is not the ultimate! we are soooooo romantic in many other ways! me im an advocate of 1st 6mnths in parents room.

    • Trinity December 6, 2012 at 6:42 pm

      Thks alot for your comment….God bless u.

      • Rolake December 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm

        No sex since 10 months ke, are you kidding me. That means, you have not had sex in over a year then. Your baby is 10months old, you probably stopped having sex when you were about 6 or 7months pregnant, or even 8 months. I’m yet to find someone who had sex till delivery (well except those who go over their due date, and have sex hoping to induce labour). No darling, I’m not trying to tell you what to do with your body and in your marriage o, but thats not healthy. Not just for you, but your husband. Think of him too. You are not ready for it, sounds a little me me me. You can connect in other ways outside of sex as a couple, yes. But no sex in over a year. Come on girl, don’t force a eunuch out of bros o. A full blooded African man, unless your husband is oyinbo sha. Even at that, a full grown adult male. This is a case of in with the baby out with the fire. You must admit.

  • Candy December 6, 2012 at 4:48 pm

    Im a mom of two.from experience alll I would say is that there are no fast rules…..plan plan and plan!!! Create room for flexibility so you can adjust with the changes,,,and for the yet to be parents…..never say never..u never know till you are in it..but one thing I knoW is that the presence of the child doesn’t dull the ‘ romance and d sparkles’…..it’s all up to your plan prior to d arrival and even when the baby is in…then again be FLEXIBLE….

  • Joanna December 6, 2012 at 4:59 pm

    First off, adorable baby in ‘pic’..Now, if the arrival of a baby ‘dulls any sparks’, there weren’t that many to light up a fire at the start! FIREWORKS peter OUT QUICKLY! Hello! wasn’t PROCREATION part of the expectation? Any excuse to ‘resent then alienate’ their spouses! Offspring are part of a loving family unit and necessary emotional and physical adjustments par for the course!..(goes back to cooing over new born..)

  • Bunmi December 6, 2012 at 5:00 pm

    Myself and my husband made many many mistakes with our first child. She slept in our bed till she was 13 months, till i put my foot down. We’ve learnt enough now and wont make same mistakes going forward.
    However,I’m not sure having a time out with your hubby for sometime before having kids works. I tell you that neither you, your husband nor your marriage can be prepared for what it entails having a child till you actually get there. What is important is your ability to cope around this situation and not letting the love fizzle out and from experience the best way is putting a child in his/her place. Dont ever let your baby sleep with you in the same bed-EVER.Let her sleep in her cot, and when she’s between 6-12 months, move her to her room. Be considerate if your husband has to sleep during these night times- he’s got to work while you can catch up on sleep in the day times.Except you want him nodding off at work or half alert.Sex is a must do activity,and just like ijs neighbours, if you have to enrol the services of your mother in law/ur mum once or twice a week to take care of the baby in the wee hours, you need it-for your marriage. When your baby’s still very young, he needs to be fed regularly but by like 6 months, stop night feeding, (it becomes a habit that’ll be difficult to break even till toddler years). My friend feeds her baby every 3 hrs and gives him 1 and half (if he usually takes 100mls,give him 150mls)more at the last feed at 9pm. that knocks him out for the rest of the night and you can have your beauty sleep and some time with your husband. Lastly, as they grow older, let your kids go to bed early enough-at a dedicated time (put them in a routine),so that you can have some quality time spent with your husband to catch up.

    • ainoth December 6, 2012 at 6:15 pm

      On point. No hard and fast rules truly. My little one still sleeps in our bed. He is 3!!! When he was born, it was straight to cot but in our room. Unfortunately, he developed a skin condition that irritates and keeps him awake at night. Now after lots of fussing, he’ll sleep on mine or his Dad’s chest but the minute you put him down, the irritation and itching is amplified. It’s so difficult. Three years on and we have to sneek out to the guest room to ‘have conjugal relations’ Lol. But God is still good.

      By God’s grace when we do have a second one, it will be cot to his own room once breastfeeding is over because breaking the circle of kids coming into your bed is no joke.

  • Gorgeous December 6, 2012 at 5:04 pm

    Omo, baby is sleeping in their own room o. I was an action duller with my parents, and i feel bad. I could only sleep in between the both of them. My dad loved me enough to let me do what i wanted. *now weeping*. A kid cannot do that to me and my husband. So its baby monitors and separate rooms for me. I need my husband in my bed, and i need him to sleep well.

  • Anon December 6, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    It is easy to talk about waiting, and preparing. If you married well, and I mean marry someone you are truly in love and in tune with, and a man who is responsible and kind and patient, it is immaterial if you get pregnant on your wedding night or 2years later. Preparation for me starts from dating. I laugh when people say marriage is a whole different ball game entirely. As if you married a stranger or you suddenly become different. Marriage presents with different challenges no doubt, but as long as you are still the same person, you stay true to what you are as a couple as a unit, and the ties that bind you in love and in companionship is strong, you’ll coast through whatever you are faced together. Parenting is just one of the challenges. Also as a woman, if you marry in your late twenties or thirties, or you have reproductive issues, tell me what wait are you waiting. If your husband too is advanced in age, in his thirties and all, do you want to be attending school plays in your 50’s and 60’s. You dont know you need energy to raise children, and energy to also work and rise in your career to earn the tons of money you need to raise children. Most people’s career’s peak between 30 – 45. You raise a child to 23 – 25. So tell me how long you want to delay it for, and how many children you want to have, before you stop. All you young uns, should keep quiet abeg, and let life happen to you before you form an opinion about this.

    • Ducchess December 6, 2012 at 7:01 pm

      BN, please create a “like” button nah!

      Anon – best comment!!!! Chop knuckle x2. :-D

    • hateunrealisticpple December 6, 2012 at 9:37 pm

      Anon BEST comment ever!! u said it all!

  • Miriam December 6, 2012 at 5:31 pm

    Couples shld learn to balance d family,her room can be their hotel,D̶̲̥̅̊ε̲̣̣̣̥γ̲̣̣ can ђά̲̣̣vέ dier own time/moment there,d wife shld also pay attention more to her hubby n it will help n go a long way W̶̲̥̅̊н̣̣̣̝̇̇̇e̶̲̥̅̊n u ђά̲̣̣vέ a nanny,as 4 ‎​♍ƺ I sleep with my 2dotas  d same bed with my hubby,atimes if he prefers to stay i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ my room I understand,U̲̅я babies naturally will feel left out if kept i̶̲̥̅̊n̶̲̥̅̊ anoda room,dat connectn has to be there.

    • mawa December 10, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      what the deuces?????????????????????????????

  • Anon December 6, 2012 at 5:42 pm

    Also nothing wrong with a baby sleeping in their own room. A baby is even in more danger sleeping on your bed. Also sleeping in your room encourages dependence, and such babies dont detach quickly from their parents. It is such babies that will make things more difficult, right into their toddler years. Lord help you, if you get pregnant soon after. We know these things happen, then you basically have two babies on your hands. There are baby monitors, number one, some even have video monitoring now. Google is your friend, dear mums. Another thing is a sleep monitor you place under the cot bedding. It rings out an alarm if the baby stops breathing or stops moving. Again, google is your friend – http://www.amazon.com/Graco-Angelcare-Movement-Nursery-Monitor/dp/B0000CEDRO
    http://www.ibabyguard.com/
    Even if the baby sleeps in a cot in your room, you wont know if he/she stops breathing in the middle of the night. So all that sleep in your room excuse is a moot point.
    Dont be the author of your own problems. Babies are very resilient, and they adapt very fast, they are not as fragile as we think. Babies will only respond to how you interact with them. If you hold on too tightly, (yes I know it isnt easy, I’m not asking you to be a cold hearted b***ch) guess what, the baby too wont want to let go, and your relationship with your husband suffers. Mums should try and find a balance. Men too are resilent, they will just keep quiet, not complain so they come across as immature or jealous of their own child, but trust me, he will seek that attention elsewhere, and you will be too busy and wrapped up with the baby, you will be oblivious to it.

  • Nk December 6, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    @Candy, u rock! Best comment. Thnks all 4 ur comments too. Bin educatin

  • Thelma December 6, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    i’ve learn’t alot from these comments. thanks everyone that contributed

  • Changing Faces December 6, 2012 at 6:00 pm

    It’s quite funny how people think their ideas are the best, and others don’t know what they’re doing. If you want your baby in his room from day 1, good for you. If you want to co-sleep, good for you. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to parenting, do what works for you.

    • Idak December 6, 2012 at 7:25 pm

      Gbam!! End of discussion.
      When it comes to such issues, most opinions are subjective. The dynamics of each home differ and denigrating the opinion of others on account of their perceived age is slightly myopic.

      • tosin o December 24, 2012 at 6:44 am

        Great input…I am a mom of two and I have experienced both ends of the spectrum. I have to agree with you in that “the dynamics of each home differs”. Most of these comments seem geared towards the idea that every family is financially stable enough to afford an extra room for baby… We all know that there are mothers who do not fall into this category and their children turn out just as independent. There’s a lot more to raising a child and building character than where they sleep. However, I have to agree that your marital bed should be your haven. A bassinet in your room will do but try if you can to avoid putting them in your bed as it is a safety hazard. As an ER nurse in a major trauma center, I can’t tell you how many times we have had smothered babies due to “co-sleeping”… BE SAFE!!!
        P.S: My 3+ year old is still struggling to stay away from our room (due to my “new mom syndrome” mistakes) while my 2 year old sleeps like an angel all night in her room. ( definitely fixed those mistakes with her). So I am speaking from experience…:)

  • Tinex December 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm

    I’m in my late 20s and ɪ̣̝̇ just got married a couple of months ago so ɪ̣̝̇ and my hubby did not plan to wait. We are having our baby right away by the grace of God. Our plan is that the baby will sleep in our room in her crib till about 9mths before she starts sleeping in her own room. My husband is a peadiatrician so we are in it together. BN post my cooment

  • Idak December 6, 2012 at 7:29 pm

    On a related note; Atoke, you sure are a star. You have a way with words and effortlessly create in-depth discussions over every day issues.
    Please take a bow, lady!!

  • Dammie December 6, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    @ Changing faces…..u could not have said it better,its almost like were thinking alike…..different strokes for different people,do what suits and works for you and my sincere appreciation to all those who commented,u all really gave me a better understanding…when my time comes,I’m sure I would be the best mom ever*winks*

  • Dammie December 6, 2012 at 7:31 pm

    We were*

  • Anonymous December 6, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    Yes, yes, yes!!! Babies/children/parenting puts stress on a Marriage. I am taking this class in school about family relationships and all, the number one distraction from marriage and area of concentration/focus is Parenting. Right from the birth of the child till forever. One thing learnt is you should always put your marriage first in everything, every other thing including your children comes after. When your kids are old enough and go to college, it s the same marriage and partner that had been there for you that will be there after parenting. So, stick and stay with him/her. …..this is the major difference between successful and unsuccessful marriages. Marriage is more like ‘yes I do’ DATING for life!!!!!

  • lolly December 6, 2012 at 8:25 pm

    a lot of things ppl are saying here are easier said than done, get married first. then you will eat most of your words, if u are madly in love, trust me, one day you will just want to screw your brains out without caring, then you see yourself missing your periods………..”it have happen oh”, i am preggers now and i planned it that way, i love it when ppl see my mum and i and ask if we are sisters, i want to have my kids on time, raise them and get my groove and career back, my mum had us really early, so we are all out of the house and she’s now a full time career woman flying around the place, sometimes when i call them, she and daddy are out on a date, i so envy their life right now, there are no hard and fast rules, whatever rocks your boat.

    • Lucy December 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm

      I hope you are married sha. Cos your planned it that way, is kinda scary.

  • NSG December 6, 2012 at 8:48 pm

    If babies dont come soon after marraige, there is always pressure considering the society we live in. However, it is left for the couple to find a way of striking the balance so that the babies and the couple’s intimacy does not suffer.
    http://naijasportsgists.com/

  • Funmi December 6, 2012 at 9:33 pm

    Hhmmmm! Very interesting! I actually had my baby exactly nine months after my wedding so I knw wat I am talking about!!! Having a baby changes ur entire life!!!! My baby is six months now and still sleeps in bed with me and my husby (bless him) sleeps in bed with us… Though sometimes wen he is soo tired, he sleeps in the guest room (I rily don’t like this) bt I try not to be selfish cos I knw he needs his sleep! A baby changes ur entire life and u guys have to understand each oda to make it work! I for one am rily going to try to get my baby out of our bed once he stops breastfeeding (at perhaps one year?!) At the end of d day, all that matters is love, love for each oda and love for ur child cos sometimes u rily can’t plan a pregnancy (I know wat I’m talking about) I tried my darnest not to get pregnant immediately bt God works in mysterious ways I guess! So once it happens, u have to both step up and do what u gotta do! I love my husband sooo! He’s d best! Though d intimacy we had be4 d baby has reduced a notch… We still make it work and love each oda more everyday! Understandin is d key! And guys, help ur woman! It aint easy on us those first few weeks… I’m lucky I hv my husband, let ur woman say d same abt u!…

  • Rolake December 6, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    http://www.babyzone.com/newborn/newborn-health-and-safety/child-view-monitor-sids-prevention_65654
    Copied: For parents who want to keep tabs on their baby’s breathing during sleep, a company called Unisar offers a BebeSounds® Angelcare® Movement Sensor with Sound Monitor. The sound monitor works like a normal sound monitor, up to 200 feet, but there is also the added movement sensor that sounds an alarm if no movement is detected by your baby for 20 seconds.
    To detect movement (or lack of movement), parents place the under-the-mattress sensor pad between the mattress and the bottom of the crib. After 20 seconds of no movement, the nursery unit receives the alarm from the sensor pad and transmits it to the portable parents’ unit. All other nursery sounds are picked up as well, so it also functions as a traditional sound monitor. Additionally, the sensor pad covers the entire surface of the mattress for full coverage of the sleeping area. Note that the bottom of the crib must have a hard, flat surface, so if your crib has springs, you must place a piece of Masonite or plywood between the sensor pad and the springs.
    Dino Favale, a first-time dad, says that he and his wife used the Angelcare® monitor and movement sensor in their son’s crib and it helped them sleep better at night knowing their son was breathing fine. “We would definitely recommend it to parents who tend to worry about their babies at night,” says Favale.
    My boss introduced it to me, when he had his first baby, who had breathing problems because he was born premature. That device saved their son’s life multiple times. An event occurred and the cot was right in the living room, while his wife was cooking lunch. The alarm went off., and she ran to the living room. This was right during the day o, not at night. I went out and bought the device sharply. Not this brand o, but i’ll try to look for the one i bought and post it here.
    So you can’t be too careful with a baby. Don’t be fooled that a baby sleeping in your room means they are safe. Thats my point. I am not advocating banishing baby to their room from day 1, but don’t make the mistake of assuming they r 2feet way from you and they are safe.

  • NNENNE December 7, 2012 at 2:35 am

    My baby had her room but slept in our bedroom till about three months. She slept on her bassinet not on our bed.We took turns to feed in the night. Since we did both bottle and breast feeding, the husband gave bottle feeds and I did the later.After three months ,she stopped waking up after 10pm feeds. So she slept in her crib in her bedroom which was very close to
    ours. We are all different ladies, go with whatever works for you.
    Once the baby came things changed a little for us,what with baby sitting issues.But remember you made the decision to have the baby so you must have to tweak your life to accommodate the baby who did not ask to be born.

  • fysti December 7, 2012 at 8:35 am

    I beleive strongly dat babies should have their own seperate rooms away from dad n mum”s room.I have three kids and my first was almost wanting to sleep with her dad and i even when she turned two cos she was used to us.I was firmer with my other two babies and they slept through out in a seperate room and even my last baby is one and independent so my hubby and i who go to work can have time to be intimate without bothering about if any one is awake or not.
    In summary, we as mothers should not allow our babies take the spark off our marraige

  • lolly December 7, 2012 at 11:23 am

    @Lucy, of course I’m married, I got knocked up after a particular crazy night of passion with my hubby :D

  • Kosta December 10, 2012 at 2:28 am

    My husband and I have decided to take our time. We got married in 2010 and have penciled in starting a family for 2014. There are/were just too many things we want to do in terms of career, marriage and personal self, that it would not be conducive to have a baby soon.

    Of course my mother can’t understand this and is constantly shoving news of cousins and family friends who got married in January and had a baby in December :-?

    There is no returning them once you have them. Take your time is my policy. Enjoy your family of two for a little while (of course if you are in your mid-to-late thirties your biological clock is a bigger factor).

  • jyde December 10, 2012 at 2:33 pm

    Of course it does,but not for the worst if you let time take its course.
    There are so many factors that come into play,that the whole dynamics of your lives change.
    Mums are so focused on every hair on their babies heads that they havnt got the time or strength to bat eyelids at the hungry wolf.
    But hey check the rewards, a child.In the future you will look at your child and smile.be happy,thank god and the mother.No be small tin abeg.
    That bond between you is for life.Its not like giving her a car.Youve now got a child that needs you to grow up fast.
    You will find out how many times pikin dey wake demand breast then u self go pity the mum unless you no get heart.Its not like shes going anywhere is it?
    Time passes and if you dont believe in trying diff menues then you start to itch but who wants to rock with unconcious wife. So you have to let time take its course or else if you try and force issues b/w yourselves toure doomed.For what?lack of patience?NO b small O.
    Your wife go call you and you go settle,i bet wifes feed us so we dont go outside abi.make una woman talk true.Some guys watch their baby with jealous eye as he/she sucks the breast he used to enjoy,even hoping they dont flatten finish.Abi na lie?Which man never wonder why the pikin dey so greedy?Thats life and it changes for the better with children as your lives are blessed and enhanced with a joint responsability.
    Nothing beats having kids and playing games with them,thats when your life has meaning.
    As for una bobo wey dey go see pikin born.Which one now?No be so our papa do am now.abeg una no get shame?

  • nunu December 20, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Am not married yet,but will soon get married.. I am sincerely grateful to all those who have contributed,ve learnt tremendously. I pray my mum and mother in law will be around,so they can take their turn in caring for the baby. As for me,from day 1,they ll sleep with their grand mas in a separate room,however,I will discuss the issue with my fiance when he gets back. Thanks to you guys. *smiling face*

  • Ada di ora December 23, 2012 at 10:53 am

    Been married 2 and a half yrs, and I’m preg now. I laugh at those who think they can decide when to get preg post marriage, one never really knows, its God who decides ultimately. Let him lead, stop penciling and circling “ideal times” to have a child.
    I’ll do what my friends did. Bassinet in our room till 6mths, no sleeping on our bed.
    After 6 mths, moving to bigger crib in own room.
    Mommy will be with me for 1st 2mths or so, and help me adjust, and her bed will be in baby’s room anyway.

    Kids can sleep early, some friends trained theirs to sleep through the night from 6-8 weeks sef. My other friend who developed bad habit of feeding through the night, now has a hard time getting her 3 mth to sleep though the night.

    Women get your husbands involved. I thank God mine is domesticated, which will relieve stress off me here abroad once baby comes. Breast pumps are essential, pump the milk and put in a bottle, so he can feed the baby. Abroad you can take preg classes, and he can learn to change diapers and all.

  • uche February 1, 2013 at 8:24 am

    @Ada di ora,pls hw do U̶̲̥̅̊ train your baby to sleep thru out the 9th.

  • jumy February 6, 2013 at 1:52 am

    babies watch what parents do. i know that pretty well. i have seen infants practice humping on the bed when parents are not there. i learnt i don’t keep my baby nor kids in my room ever! children should have their room. bonding time is essential in marriage

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