Afam: About to Get Hitched? Here Are 8 Things To Consider Before You Walk Down the Aisle

Posted on Thursday, October 10th, 2013 at 11:30 AM

By Afam

I haven’t been back in Nigeria for any length of time that can be thought of as long, or at least I do not think of 79 days as long, especially when I’ve got 365 more to go. Best believe that I will be hopping on the Masters train out of here. In Nigeria, there is suffering, so much suffering, can you imagine that my father set me a curfew the other day? He declared, “You must be home by 9pm every night from now on because it’s so unsafe.” I very nearly died. My body only becomes active at 9pm. Even after an 8am – 8pm day, if you call me at 9pm and tell me where the party is at, I’ll be there. So at the end of the year, I shall spirit myself away to enjoy at least one more year of unchaperoned jollification.

Anyway, in the short time I’ve been back I’ve become attuned to the wedding every weekend, divorce every other other weekend life that we live here. I’ve also heard about the troubles that several endure in their marriages, so I’ve written a little bit of a guide about the things that you should be thinking about before you get married.

How are you going to live?
You’ll need to know what your lifestyle will be before you tie your fortunes with your man. Some men expect their wives to go from bankers, lawyers, journalists, and PR mavens to being glorified house girls, cooks, and eventual nannies, the moment they return from honeymooning in the Seychelles. But you don’t really want to do this do you? You quite enjoy earning that paltry salary because it allows you some measure of independence.

Don’t worry, I have a solution for you. They say every woman has her price. If your hubby wants you to quit your job, to cater to his every need, then present him with your price. Present him with the value you place on your independence and the meaningful use of your Bachelors, Masters and Doctorate degrees. If he doesn’t grimace and cry out in his mother tongue (Ye pa mi O if he’s a Yoruba man) when he looks at it, then you’re under valuing yourself. After that, he won’t discuss your job again. Also, he cannot expect you to be making that pilgrimage from the mainland to the island every day.

As a newly married woman, your colleagues will be expecting you to be a glowing and blushing mini sun of happiness. This is simply impossible when you have to wake up at four in the morning to avoid the worst of the traffic. He must tell you of his plans to relocate you to a mini palace on the island before you get married. You should be marrying a mover and shaker, a rising star, a man with potential, not some lazy bum who’s perfectly content with where he is especially when he hasn’t got anywhere.

Is he gay?
Oh my God! How dare I suggest that your significant other, the man of your dreams, the frog to your princess, and the cream cheese icing to your red velvet cake might be gay? Well, that’s because he very well might be and if he is, he will probably have a few man lovers on the side. Before you get hitched you need to find out for sure that he isn’t gay because if he is, chances are, you’ll be artificially inseminating your way towards your first pregnancy, or you’ll have to make like the wives of the impotent Baba Segi, and find other willing sperm donors. If he is bisexual or bicurious, then make sure you know about it too lest you employ one damn foine driver or gardener only to find him rolling in the sheets of your marital bed with your dearly beloved. I can’t tell you how to find out if your man gets down on the down low, but you may want to consider setting him up with one of your gay friends for research purposes.

Are you gay?
As far as I know, most men want to get married to people that are genuinely interested in them. If you are gay, then don’t involve someone else in your attempt to live a lie. Or better yet, don’t live a lie, get with women in the shadows.  If no one knows about it then what harm can it do? I wouldn’t wish the fourteen year jail penalty on anyone. Furthermore, a single lesbian is infinitely better than a married adulterous lesbian. However all of this may be ignored if your intended knows about it, and thinks it’s hot. If he does, then why not?

Why do you want to get married?

  • Is your lover, simultaneously hotter than pepper soup and cooler than Fan Yogo? Is he hung like the famed horse, Sea Biscuit? Is your sex life so incredible that you just have to lock it down, and lock him down? If so, you probably shouldn’t tie the knot. If you do, he’ll take his Sea Biscuit sex and give it to someone else when you don’t deliver.
  • Is he richer than Dangote, or do you think he might be some day? If he is, then do it! Rip up that pre-nup and get ready for your new life as the Chairman’s wife. Even if your married life leaves a lot to be desired, the bounty of your divorce settlement will quieten your discontented  spirit.
  • Is he your best friend and confidante? Is your love like the wind; as turbulent as it is calm, but most importantly always there? Then Yes! God yes!! Don’t even think about it. Throw caution to the wind and elope. Make like the Nike super star that you are and just do it.

What are you wearing?
As young girls you should have been gathering research materials (magazine cut outs, photographs, etc.) in preparation for the legendary moment, when you appear at the foot of the aisle and perhaps for the first time in your life, all eyes are on you. You want them to gasp in awe of your beauty and your form. You want your rubbish ex-boyfriend on the fifth row to see you and die! You don’t want him to be green with envy, you want him to spontaneously combust for treating you so poorly. Your wedding dress isn’t just a dress. It’s a right of passage, an heirloom. Your daughter is meant to look at photographs of you and think, “I want to look just like that one day.” If your dress is great enough, she’ll want to wear it when she gets married, so it’s up to you to create or purchase a masterpiece. You must know if your body is pear shaped, apple shaped, or hourglass shaped, so that you can get the dress that best suits your figure. And you must know if you want to look, virginal, slutty or coy beforehand. Don’t walk into Vera Wang or Clan and say, “I want it to look nice.” They’ll look at you like you’re an idiot! You have to know exactly what you want! If your fiance has strong opinions about the technicalities of your dress, see point 2.

Where are you going to get married?
No one really cares about the venue, I don’t think. They’ll indulge you because it’s your day. In as much as you want it to be so beautiful that a rainbow springs from the altar, and rose petals, glitter, and hearts rain down from the ceiling, please consider your guests. Pick a location with decent parking. No one wants to park on the express way or spend a whole hour in traffic trying to leave your wedding. While we’re on the subject of the venue, I’ll comment a little on the interior design. Do not put a sex couch in your wedding! It has no place there! What do I mean by a sex couch?

That! It’s even got mood lighting! It’s completely unsuited for sitting. DON’T DO IT.

What role are you going to assign your fiance?
The comments on my last article taught me a few things. One of these things is that most men like to feel like they’re needed. Because of this your husband to be will not be impressed if you become a monstrous dominatrix and controlling witch in order to make the wedding of your dreams a reality. Give him a few mundane tasks that he can’t possibly screw up, so that he doesn’t feel like a useless appendage. At the very least give him something to distract him from the fact that you’ve become the living incarnation of the Dark Knight. If this seems foreign to you then see point three. Most men expect to wear the pants in the relationship. If you insist on wearing the pants, people might start asking questions.

This list isn’t at all exhaustive. I haven’t covered what flowers you should carry (flowers have meanings. Heaven forbid that you put red carnations in your wedding bouquet because those mean, {alas for my poor heart, and that’s always and everywhere} a bad omen.  If you’re thinking of  whether or not you should go through with it if he hits you (the answer to that one is always and everywhere no, the last time he hits you will never be the last time he hits you, and no amount of money could ever make up for the amount of physical and emotional pain that being battered causes.

Plus, if you come out of it alive, chances are that you’ll be mentally ill, and that’s no picnic. You’ll have to get a therapist, a personal trainer and a team of girl friends that’ll tell you how awesome you are because you’ll have no self confidence and no self esteem. Or what your in-laws are like (if your man is a mummy’s boy, with a pervert for a father, then you might want to reconsider. Sex jokes from your father in-law will never be funny, and waking up to find your mother in law in your kitchen making breakfast for your grown husband will never be cute).

There are probably a hundred other things to think about before you jump the broom haven’t been included doesn’t mean that they are any less important. But then again I suppose I could always write a sequel.

Tata for now (ttfn)

Photo Credit: depositphotos.com

_______________________________________________________________________________________________
Afam is the 23 year old man-child behind the blog: http://theramblingsofamadman-afam.com. He’s only just registered for NYSC. He hopes to be posted to Lagos, but he really wouldn’t mind serving in Zamfara. He likes words,  books, and Suya, and he’s a little bit of a loose cannon. Follow him on Twitter @Afam20.

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  • 70 Comments on “Afam: About to Get Hitched? Here Are 8 Things To Consider Before You Walk Down the Aisle”

    Comments
    • mdevaan October 10, 2013 at 12:09 PM

      zamfara??? really??? lol

    • ALEXA October 10, 2013 at 12:30 PM

      Good advice. Thanks

      • Jo! October 10, 2013 at 3:53 PM

        Which good advice? crap

    • Tiki October 10, 2013 at 12:32 PM

      loooool. I couldn’t distinguish between the humor and the sarcasm, they blended so well! Nice piece.

      • tee October 25, 2013 at 7:00 PM

        me too. lol
        i interview new wives weekly on allthingztiana.blogspot.com

    • deluvlee October 10, 2013 at 12:46 PM

      Looooooooool funny article but true

    • MissBonnie October 10, 2013 at 12:49 PM

      lol..funny but true

    • Kayla October 10, 2013 at 12:55 PM

      I’m hoping this is someone doing a “SARCASTIC ” article like Toke does her sarcastic videos. Because this message is some straight bullshit and not advisable to any lady.

      • Lamz October 10, 2013 at 2:27 PM

        really? Did you read it thoroughly?

        Did you read the part about marrying a gay man? or being gay and getting married to an unsuspecting man? or about the husband beater and overbearing parents?

        Did you read all that?

        Or did you just feel like commenting?

        • Kayla October 10, 2013 at 3:44 PM

          Sure did….. Hearing about marriage fiasco and experiencing it are 2 different things….
          -Before you get hitched find out he isn’t gay….. No that’s your first homework before being in a serious relationship?
          -Who invites their ex-boyfriend to their wedding??
          -Above all please do not marry because he is as rich as Dangote, a man knows when you have married him for his money and trust me some will make you suffer for it. thinking about your divorce settlement before marriage opens the door for a disastrous marriage. Yes she made some good points but that’s why I said I’m hoping this is another sarcastic write up

        • Jo! October 10, 2013 at 3:56 PM

          Please abeg, his sarcasm get as e be. Afam you haven’t really gotten the knack of this sarcasm thing jare, the writing was just somehow, the sarcasm was a bit errrr, well, somehow #biteme #andpleasechookyournoseelsewhereohyevoltrons

      • Afam October 10, 2013 at 4:29 PM

        Hello. I just felt that I should point out that I’m a he and not a she. Thanks for reading and commenting!

    • Gistyinka Blog October 10, 2013 at 12:56 PM

      Hmmm very interesting share..

    • Akukua October 10, 2013 at 1:18 PM

      lmao and cremated @ sex couch! tell them Afam!

    • Chic October 10, 2013 at 1:25 PM

      Lol @sex couch! I just love articles laced with sarcastic humour

      • Ada Ada October 14, 2013 at 9:17 AM

        that part killed me…LMAO!

    • Vics October 10, 2013 at 1:39 PM

      Nice article but u killed it with that description of urself….too much info my dear!

    • Sad young wife October 10, 2013 at 2:09 PM

      When I see articles on marriages it gets me so depressed. I’m married and I think I made the worse mistake ever. I was 23 when I got married. I met this guy and he was very ready to get married, we talked for a short while without actually dating. My mom encouraged me to go ahead because the guy seemed quite and he was unlikely to give me problems. Also she thought because of his age, he would treat me well. He’s 40. I’ve been married for under a year and I’m already craving for a divorce. After getting to know this guy, I realist I had no business getting married to him on the first place.
      We have absolutely NOTHING in common, heck apart from talking about what to cook we don’t discuss any other thing. He made me quit my job and for some reason he doesn’t want me to keep friends. All I do all day is to sleep, and cook breakfast, lunch and dinner for.

      Before we got married, he told me he was going to allow me do my masters, in fact that was the only condition my dad gave him. My dad was the only one against the marriage insisting I was too young and had too much potential to get married now. Now after the marriage, this guy wants me to go straight into baby making mode. He said I should forget about going to school now, and rather have a baby for him.

      My main issue with him is that we are not compatible, we are just two entirely different people. I did not love him b4 marriage, because as I said we didn’t date much, but I thought I would develop affections for him. But right now I realize I could never be happy with him, I am not even attracted to him( I am the type that believes beauty comes from within, because I dated guys who I didn’t find attractive at first but due to their good behavior, I got attracted to them later)… I thought it would be the same with this guy but his attitude towards me just makes me close my heart for him.

      I really want to get divorced because I don’t see anything good coming out from this marriage. I have so much potential in me, but this guy wants to reduce me to a baby making machine. Right after our marriage I even got a really good paying job with an oil firm, but he made me not accept the offer because I believed I was going to start school soon.

      I don’t know how to go about separating from him, because it would be like I was married for less than a year and it could mar my reputation and that of my family. At the other hand, I am miserable with him, and I don’t know if I should just stay in it like that. I never ever imagined my marriage would be like this, because I have a big heart and I just want to love him, but truly I can’t find anything to love about him. Did I mention he is the most chauvinistic man ever, he doesn’t involve me in any decision making, he tells me what to wear and not what to wear, he uses money to control me because I am not working, and he’s putting so much pressure on me to get pregnant. He even told me that at my age I should be very fertile and he doesn’t understand why I am not pregnant yet. This was just 2 months into our marriage.

      • Berry Dakara October 10, 2013 at 2:45 PM

        Wow. It makes me sad to read your story. This is why all
        couples need TIME to really date and get to know each other.
        COUNSELING for a period of time is SO NECESSARY. Is it a foolproof
        way to stay married? No, but it helps. I wish I had advice for you,
        but maybe talk to a sensible pastor or marriage counselor? To
        everyone else, marriage is NOT BY FORCE! Take your time.
        http://berrydakara.blogspot.com

      • her October 10, 2013 at 2:49 PM

        Speechless :(

      • Lamz October 10, 2013 at 2:52 PM

        Life is too short not be happy. I cannot tell you to get a divorce but i will tell you this, eventually, no one can fully care about you but yourself. People will always have opinions but let your happiness rank supreme above the opinions of others. People talk. They always have and always will.

        Be true to yourself and preserve your happiness whichever way you can.

        • Analyst October 10, 2013 at 3:58 PM

          You are a very real person. I read myself too and wondered. What expectations did you have? You married at your age to a man waaaaaaaaaaay older than you. What were you expecting? Mills and Boon Romance. Even though this is an unfair analogy but I tell myself, a man who is still single at the 35 – 40 age bracket, what has he been doing since? Sampling all the girls and leaving a string of broken hearts all over the place. When they now realise that they will still be paying school fees at 65, they quickly find some young fresh thing to marry who they know is still in her most fertile time and marry sharply. Meanwhile all the mature women who they dumped in their late twenties and early 30′s were not good enough. Because of the age gap and financial power, a girl who is still wet behind the ears is their choice of prey because she is easy to control and manipulate. No job, no career, epress card to husband’s house. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. Prince Charles and Diana is enough example. This story has been replayed so many times I don’t understand why our parents are still letting their poor baby girls fall victim. I wish your dad put his foot down. His responsibility is to educate you to Masters level and not delegate that to any man. Education is a paren’t responsibility and should not be used as a dangling carrot to lure a wife. If he couldn’t afford it at the time, masters no dey finish for university. He neglected his fatherly duty towards you, he should step up now and come carry you away from the place. You are not pregnant yet, you can still have a do over. Tell your father that. You were green and naive, his job was to shield you from wolves and not give you away so easily. Trust me, shame works very effectively. You can cry in your room about your own responsibility towards yourself later.

      • kind anon October 10, 2013 at 2:55 PM

        I’m finding it hard understanding the expectations you had of your marriage and what is different now? It seems like you walked into this with your two eyes open and now you are complaining about what was never even promised. There are many types of ‘working’ marriages, some for love, some for security, some for convenience. Whatever it is that made you walk down the aisle with that man, try to hold on to that and build on it, don’t compare yourself to other people. That may help with the disappointment you are feeling now. Just my $.02…Goodluck!

      • Mariaah October 10, 2013 at 3:18 PM

        Sister sister! I hear you.. The first I thing I would say
        to you is get down on your knees and pray!! Once you are through
        wipe your tears, call your daddy. Tell him you have something to
        speak to him about. When you go to your family house/dad’s house,
        cook his fav meals for him (Yes! bribe him!), gist about old
        times.. Old gist would make him remember you are his little girl..
        Then, break down in tears and explain.. Say everything…… Tell
        him you are tired, shey he supported your not getting married..
        Good luck!! You will be alright..

      • Mz Socially Awkward... October 10, 2013 at 3:52 PM

        Dayummm, lady. Okay, I won’t pretent to understand where you are just now emotionally but I will say this – it’s not over until it’s over.

        Have you talked about any of this with your husband? Will you consider marriage counselling? If you can both make a committed decision to work on yourselves and on the marriage, I honestly see possibilities for moving forward to something better. I will also be an amebo here and say don’t bring a baby into that environment for just now, if that’s possible. You really both need to work on being a couple and I don’t think you should start thinking of divorce yet.

        If you don’t mind me asking, what else did you see in this man before you ageed to marry him? I remember that blog (can’t remember her name, the chick who was a lawyer that came to Nigeria for lawschool and NYSC, was it Temi??) where someone sent in a letter about “settling” and there seemed to be a general consensus by Nigerian women that she should go ahead with the wedding because you can grow to love a man. That was one of worst pieces of advice I had ever read. But @Sad young wife, you must have made your decision based on certain factors because I find it hard to believe a couple only talk about what to cook in all of the many hours of the day you spend together.

      • Idak October 10, 2013 at 4:04 PM

        The content of your mail is nothing extraordinary.
        However,your ability to communicate so much pain in such few words is what hurts my heart.I feel utterly gutted on your behalf.
        There is no right answer. So i will not attempt to give you one.
        I will say a prayer for you ( I do not use such terms flippantly);that you will find guidance and courage and that whatever step you choose will be one that will help you find fulfilment and the kind of peace that only God can give.
        Whatever you choose to do, you will have the support and prayers of an unknown stranger.

        Best wishes.

      • Idak October 10, 2013 at 4:07 PM

        One more thing, please try and delay that pregnancy for now.

      • Afam October 10, 2013 at 4:44 PM

        Like many here, reading your story made me sad. I have faith that one way or the other everything will work out. I can’t say that there’s a right thing to do, or that there’s an easy way to go about this. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, get help, speak to people that know you and know about your situation (your parents, your friends and family, and your pastors) they’ll be far better placed to give you any sort of meaningful advice than an anonymous panel of online commenters.

      • I Rock October 10, 2013 at 4:52 PM

        Short of a miracle, your husband will never change. You are living in a fertile situation that nurtures abuse…you dont work, he isolates you from your friends and possibly other loved ones, he is discouraging you from going back to school and is slowly sapping the life out of you. It is all about him and what he wants. Like I mentioned in a previous BN post today, I checked out Stella Dimokorkus blog through a link BN posted underneath one of their features and on SD’s blog, I saw a section called, DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY. I mention this here because some of the stories I read there started like yours…their abusers (husbands in most cases, or boyfriends) isolated them from friends and families, stopped them from working so as to depend solely on them and in some cases battered them for years. I cannot imagine how destructive that can be to someone’s self esteem. I will advice that you not only pray to God for wisdom but like the Igbo’s would say, that you also use your tongue and count your teeth. Remain blessed.

      • Chic October 10, 2013 at 4:59 PM

        And this is why I insist that girls under 25 have no business getting married most are still children at that age I look at the way my cousins and family friends in that age group behave and I honestly cannot see them holding down a house as anyone’s wife or dealing with the challenges that come with marriage they are just not mature enough…that is why the older man was able to lure her like someone said because she was wet behind the years. At the end of the day the decision to leave or stay is yours and yours alone but just like someone has already said people will still talk either way at the end of the day it’s all about your happiness. And please get on contraceptives for now you have no business bringing a child into this world with your current psychological state of mind.

      • Ekwitosi October 10, 2013 at 5:24 PM

        Afam you will not kill me! The sex couch is too hilarious!!!!!! The problem with all of us is that we do not have character we just blend into whatever is going at the moment. We don’t ask who am I? Where am I coming from? and where am I going? @Sadyoungwife When an alcoholic goes to Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) meeting, they are not accepted till they say hello my name is…. I am an alcoholic. The counselors believe that it is the first step towards treatment. All I am saying is you have admitted there is a problem and now you should look for solution before the problem gets out of hand. Do not move forward before thinking it through, make sure that the next step you are going to take is the one that you truly want not your husband’s, your dad’s , your mum’s, your church etc. because its all about you and what you are comfortable with before you wake up in your twilight years and realize that you have lived another person’s life. We women make these mistakes all the time. Our culture does not give us room to act out. When a man is dissatisfied he can act out in different ways by either keeping mistresses or having kids outside. Sometimes we think that we can trap them with children but believe me when they are tired of the nonsense no matter how many children are involved they pack up and go! At the end of the day it is all about self-preservation. Find a solution first before you move on. Good Luck!

      • creamy October 10, 2013 at 5:42 PM

        hmmm, I wish my mum could read this, mums have the tendency to be eager bout marriage sometimes too eager, pray and seek counsel on this. tell him how u feel if he won’t listen talk his parents or people he respects maybe he’ll see reason. don’t throw in the towel just yet.

      • Naveah October 18, 2013 at 5:29 PM

        Wow this is very sad. Nobody can live your life for you,
        dear. You determine the kind of life you want to lead so the
        decision is yours to make. Sitting on your hands and crying woe is
        me, my mother made me do it etc is NOT going to help you one teensy
        itsy bit. Na you plan enter wedding, nwannu plan how you go comot
        am. Is he barricading the door? Holding you hostage or prisoner?
        You are an educated woman, use your coconut! You need to come up
        with a strategy (1) you can either develop a back bone, face your
        husband head on and stand up for yourself by demanding to work and
        have a life which is not easy but if you have the support of your
        family, you can do it OR (2) Do it on the sneak tip. Start putting
        small small money on the side, he give you N10,000 for food you use
        N7500 and stash N2500. Give yourself a time line for when you want
        to leave, apply for a job, use your F-you money for an apartment
        because if you go your mama/papa house he go find you dere o and
        vacate his house with as little as possible. See you a lawyer and
        get the divorce proceeding going ASAP! Stay dear and lament louder
        than the children of Israel in the wilderness and this man will
        demolish your life completely. He has already derailed it so far as
        per your posting. You are too young to have a albatross around your
        neck, it is NOT too late to correct this horrendous
        mistake.

    • frances October 10, 2013 at 2:26 PM

      Ok! Sarcasm on another level!
      http://imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

    • The Real Madam the Madam October 10, 2013 at 2:37 PM

      This story from Sad Young Wife should be the next Aunty Bella article.

    • ijescorner October 10, 2013 at 3:11 PM

      Afam you are hilarious, I checked out your blog…loved it.
      That dry British sense of humour is obviously very apparent. Since
      I took the time out to go to your blog, feel free to return the
      favour! http://ijescorner.tumblr.com/

    • fola October 10, 2013 at 3:19 PM

      na wa oh .. madam sad young wife na so you wan marry .. you rushed in .. now u want to rush out t!!! marriage is for mature people dear its not about age and you need to be patient and start praying for your self, husband and marriage .. you should have had a thorough discussion on how life would be with him …. I wont advice you to walk out just be patient and relax oh …

    • summer October 10, 2013 at 3:30 PM

      Afam you really are a tool! But I understand your toolness very much. You crack me up good and proper.

      I think I can crack others up too. How does one get to write a feature on bellanaija? Do they find you or do you find them?

    • esther October 10, 2013 at 3:37 PM

      Dear Sad young wife…It is so unfortunate that a lot of young ladies pass through your experience and they live and suffer in silence. My advice is that you should hold on to God with all your might. Things can change for good. Do not give up and do not think you are the only one passing through same ordeal. I know a couple of young and older ladies in same trap. We are in a place where culture determines a lot. Our mothers seem to be in a hurry to celebrate weddings than to care how the daughters will actually survive. I wish you a happier life and may your story change for the better soon.

      • Mz Socially Awkward... October 10, 2013 at 4:05 PM

        My dear, leave that matter oh. My mama dey also pray to celebrate wedding and me sef dey pray make her desire turn into testimony but we have a firm understanding that my decision to jump the broom will not simply be to give her a few hours to experience the pleasure of wearing asoebi and dancing into the reception hall with her committee of friends while the DJ plays “Sweet Mother”.

        Do I feel her pain at not having the opportunity to share in the joy that her friends have invited her to share in? Of course and everyday, I’m not a heartless piece of wood. Should I jump into the hands of a man I have no business marrying just for that reason alone? NO. And that should never be the reason why anyone gets married… unless you know you can wholly live with your decision.

        • Analyst October 10, 2013 at 4:17 PM

          BN you need to turn this thing to a business. Honestly. The soil is very fresh for it. In fact your followers can also make money from it. Ms SA has a very sound mind and she should be getting paid for the free advice that she dispenses. Setup a website where people can go to with their problems and have ready advisers supply what they want for a fee. You get a cut, everyone is happy. Oya pay me for my consultancy services.

        • jcsgrl October 10, 2013 at 6:01 PM

          Ha ha ha ha ha…craze girl. I’m laughing at your dancing mama bit. Yes o we gasto come wear asoebi and chop jollof rice. Abeg no deprive us of pictures or IV *cough cough when it happens

        • Idak October 10, 2013 at 10:17 PM

          On a very serious note, i wan attend that wedding o! When e
          reach, i beg no forget to find a way and extend the
          invitation.

        • Mz Socially Awkward... October 11, 2013 at 1:58 PM

          LOL. @Analyst, don’t be giving away a good business idea on the “interwebs” for free, na. See h0w some people might start tapping into that enterprise very soon :-D

          @Jcsgirl and Idak, I would be absolutely honored to have you as guests dancing with us as Omawumi sings “This Kain love oh, na serious love wantintin” in the background. If my plan to elope doesn’t pan out, na to prepare for wedding in Naija, coming to a city (hopefully) near you! :-D

      • zsa zsa October 10, 2013 at 5:50 PM

        I doubt anything would change for the better.
        I have a friend in the exact same situation, in fact i thought she was the one writing until i realized @sad young wife does not ave kids yet.
        My friend married at 23 not long after we graduated…out of the blue we hear that she was getting married and the first question we asked was “to whom?”, we didn’t know she was seriously dating anyone. We all knew each others boyfriends/toasters in school but none was talking marriage. I called her to confirm…i was worried and curious so i asked how she knew he was “the one”. Her reasons were almost a copy of what sad young wife stated. He was in his late 30′s or early 40′s(she was vague about his age), he was self employed, his mum likes me, he is not a “small boy”, he wants to get married tomorrow, “he promised i would do my masters and get a job” …..i waited to hear qualities that we used to gush about as girls in university like “i love his smile”,”he makes me laugh” but nothing. Funny thing her mum also insisted she marry the guy.
        Long story short, they got married, had a kid then he moved her to another african country while he stayed in Nigeria…she did her masters but couldn’t (still can’t) get a job in the country she resides. Oya come back naija now, shebi your husband has a company? he won’t “let” her return to nigeria. She is lonely most times and depressed, no life, a few friends, no family unless oga pays for a ticket for her mum to visit, no money of her own unless oga sends monthly allowance which mostly goes to the upkeep of their child. This has been going on for almost 10 years….i have had one too many motivational talks with my dear friend but to no avail…she can’t move unless oga says so, he makes all the decisions without consulting her…he makes all the money after all.
        So no, i don’t think @sad young wife’s situation would get any better. To leave or stay is entirely up to her, i would also advise she puts off having kids for now, children do not deserve to be in such loveless environments.
        Single ladies pls look before you leap o!!!!!!

        Afam, funny article. It would be nice to read a piece advising dudes on marriage issues. We ladies already have a life time supply of advice both serious and sarcastic.

        • jcsgrl October 10, 2013 at 6:27 PM

          My sis ehn..the amount of counseling I have done recently on marriages is still baffling to me. People are chopping lots of shit mehn. After I finish, I just hang up and call hobby to profess all sorts of undying love to him. Na wa o! I can’t imagine being in these kinda situations. M ga egbu mmadu o! ( I go kill pesin). May God help us women to make the right choice and not fall into lifetime trap of unhappiness.

    • OgeAdiro October 10, 2013 at 4:38 PM

      The last thing I’ll do is tell a woman to stop working but I also won’t marry a woman that works too much. Everyone needs to find their own balance.

    • Sad young wife October 10, 2013 at 6:30 PM

      Hi thanks to y’all for your comments. I left out certain aspects to protect my identity. The thing is I live very far from my parents and could only travel by air to see them. My parents know of my situation and my mom thinks I should stay and that when I have a baby his behavior would change. My dad on the other hand wants me to come home ASAP because I am his 1st duaghter and he wasn’t going to let me rot in another mans house all on the name of marriage. I just know that if I go back home, I am never coming here again.
      To answer the question of what I saw in him, he seemed to be a quiet and calm man, and with the few times we spent together he always took my suggestions. He also seemed supportive because he was always telling me how ambitious I was and that he was going to make sure I have my masters degree. All that changed after marriage. He wanted to make every single decision for me, and when I tried to suggest otherwise, he would instantly flare up. I just wasn’t used to that kind of environment because my dad brought me up to be a strong and opinionated women. Like my dad would always ask me my thoughts about any issue concerning me.
      My husband always tells me that a lot of girls would die to be in my shoes, and that they’ve got a man that takes care of my needs. But the thing is before I got married I had a good job, with the potential to move up. I remember my female boss even asking me not to resign, and that I should take a leave of absence.
      Hmmm…. I am so confused because I truly know this man can’t make me happy, and in turn I cannot make him happy. I feel empty inside everyday, and waking up is a task because there is nothing to look forward to.

      • Kayla October 10, 2013 at 7:43 PM

        Darling the fact that he stated a lot of girls would die to be in your shoes is enough oya na make dem come die, because you no wan die. Listen to your father…..Please listen to your father. If you listen to your mother and have a child you will only fall into postpartum depression to begin with. Talk to him letting him know this marriage is not working period. Don’t cry just say it and start packing your load. Sometimes you have to give a man the surprise of his life before he folds. I’m sure he thinks you are not bold enough to leave because you need him. No need to spread your business talking to family and friends, they will only help you spread it further. Put your big girls shoes on and take a stand for yourself and other young ladies. We are rooting for you.

        • Bliss October 10, 2013 at 9:08 PM

          Depending on the situation oh. Some relationships you have to move out when they aren’t there. Dude sounds like a control freak. There’s no guarantee he’ll just let you walk right out the door. When and if you make the decision, move out first then arrange to meet with him on mutual grounds( preferably in a public area). Then you speak your peace.
          You are a strong and fearless woman! It takes courage to do what you just did here. I know when you finally go back to work, employers will be lining up to hire you. Stay strong!

      • Nneks October 10, 2013 at 8:40 PM

        My dear please, please , please I beg you to leave……I
        was once in a similar situation. I am in my early 20s dated a guy
        in his 30s and he acted so perfect and all, I was this close to
        agreeing but i kept postponing and the longer i kept the decision,
        the more his true character started coming out …he is quiet like
        yours but a chauvinist as well, he could not understand why I was
        not ready to get married as according to him I am at the right
        age…..these type of men do not change he is in his 40s he is
        already in too deep…I dont believe or like divorce that is why i
        pray every time before i decide to marry anyone but in your case i
        think the best solution is to leave……. you seem to have a good
        heart and it would be very unfortunate to live in a lifetime of
        unhappiness. If he feels there are women dying to be in your
        situation the he should go marry them…

      • Salt Fyfi October 11, 2013 at 1:42 PM

        SweetHeart, do you need help with flight ticket? You need a break from that marriage for now! No man is worth it (excluding d good ones out there)…in the name of marriage!! What ever you decide to do, keep it on a low profile…and map out a plan to RUN AWAY – without looking back!! Its well my dear

      • Mz Socially Awkward... October 11, 2013 at 2:08 PM

        Honey, I think I understand some parts of your story a little better now and have some ideas about how you met and why you’re far away from your parents (I could be wrong).

        I have to reiterate that you need to talk with your husband about how you feel and let him know this forced isolation is not doing your marriage any good; if the intention is to keep you to himself, what he’s really doing is pushing you even further away. However, I’m no expert and urge you to speak to a counsellor if you can.

      • slice October 11, 2013 at 2:08 PM

        i heard Dr Phil say something profound once. you need to earn your way out of a marriage. I don’t think you’ve earned your way out of this marriage yet. by earn your way, it means to fight for it till there’s absolutely no fight left. You’ve listed what you don’t like about him but you’ve not said what you’ve really done to fix the situation. the fact is you’re both at least one generation apart and may have some friction just for that reason alone. take him to lunch and have a serious convo. tell him what’s good about him. you didnt say this but i gleaned he’s a good provider, appears to be faithful to you and he’s a family man (interested in having a wife and kids)…that’s actually a plus these days. next tell him but you’re not happy and though that’s not necessarily all his fault, there are things he can do to help make you happy. then state your ideal scenario for your life. there should be room for compromise but start with your ideals. what do YOU want? You want to get your masters before you have kids. You want a husband that talks to you about something other than what are we having for dinner? You need a romantic date night on saturdays. you don’t cook dinner and he takes you somewhere nice. then allow 6 months of this before you revisit the issue of a divorce. even then, consider counselling as well

        P.S. cooking breakfast, lunch and dinner for anyone can drive even the most sane mind crazy unless you just love doing it. so this might be getting to you too. if it is, you need to let him know. it doesn’t make you a bad wife. he could consider buying his lunch at work so you can skip that task.

        • Analyst October 11, 2013 at 3:11 PM

          You see BN, someone else that should be paid for this advice. Ooooooooh my body is itching me o. @MS S.A, now that the business idea is now out on the interweb, what are we going to do about it. BN, what say you guys? I can volunteer my Analyst services if you guys will pay.

        • Analyst October 11, 2013 at 3:31 PM

          I disagree with Dr Phil. The longer you stay in a bad situation, the worse you feel. A marriage can wreck havoc on your self esteem, you don’t see yourself as anything outside of that marriage and the downward spiral continues. Add having a baby into the mix, she is stuck, trapped. Especially at her age and no job situation. Women are at their most selfless, when they become mothers. It is now no longer about you, but your child you want to provide for and give a home with mummy and daddy. A man at that age is mostly set in his ways. Not being a prohet of doom but waiting on a spouse to change is a big waste of time. She needs to leave even if it is for a while, while he realises that he can’t continue the way he is. If he misses his wife and wants her back he knows where to find her. Too much of a bad thing can kill you. How he is okay with not talking about your wife beyond what they will eat is very weird on its own and a big red flag. He just wants a wife and kids he can keep at home and provide for. My dear Slice that is not enough and that is not a good thing that any woman should console herself with. A provider does not make a good man. The wives of billionaires can tell stories for days.

        • slice October 11, 2013 at 4:02 PM

          @Analyst, i would be the first to suggest at least a temp separation if i could sense some sort of emotional or physical abuse but honestly, i’m not reading abuse from what she wrote. it seems more like the so called honeymoon is gone and they’ve settled into regular life which both have allowed to become boring. add that to being in different places in their lives. The guy wants kids now and she wants to further her education. recipe for frustration. to be clear, what he wants is not strange. if he were married to someone who was equally ready for kids, this would be heaven for the person

          all that though doesn’t mean the marriage needs to end unless she just doesn’t like the guy at all. Outside of that all her other issues can be fixed. Not all guys who encourage a wife not to work are trying to be abusive. some are just stating a fact. I make enough money. you don’t need to work. now if working is what makes you happy. you need to state that and say being a stay at home wife/mum will absolutely not work for you.

          By earn your way out, we are not talking about staying in an abusive marriage. in fact, i think some would say you earned your way out the first time you were abused. i’m more about situations like this where you simply disagree on some issues or where you’re simply bored, i think you owe it to yourself and the vows you made to find a way to spice up the marriage and smooth out the rough spots.

          if the conversations are only about food, what other conversation topics have YOU come up with. it takes two to talk you know.

      • ama October 21, 2013 at 12:50 PM

        PLEASE LEAVE! YOU HAVE A DESTINY TO FULFILL. DONT LET ANYONE CAGE YOU UP.

    • portable October 10, 2013 at 7:14 PM

      @sad young wife: please o,in the name of God almighty, i beg you to quit that marriage before u commit suicide! Find a pretext to go see ur parents n take it as ur escape route! Since ur father wants u home ASAP,wat else are u waiting for? It is better to be single and happy dan to be in bondage in the name of marriage! And my dear,if u finally leave, think very well and hard and commit ur self into Gods hands before u embark on any other relationship/marriage! May God help u to make d right decision,Amen! Gods grace dear!

    • nene October 10, 2013 at 8:28 PM

      only one thing: HONESTY,HONESTY,HONESTY!

    • BevShine events October 10, 2013 at 9:39 PM

      So sad…….life is short do what makes you happy.

    • babysco October 10, 2013 at 11:33 PM

      why is 23 year old Afam writing an article about
      marriage???? Pls BN try to get experienced writers for articles
      .

    • Toma October 11, 2013 at 12:48 AM

      It’s always sad reading sad marriage stories like this one.
      My advice is for ladies yet to marry. PLEASE if you don’t remember
      anything else, never forget that your wedding is not a destination,
      it’s only a prelude to the actual journey- Marriage- being married
      transcends all d usual fanfares that happen at weddings. So its
      important to ask yourself your reasons for doing so and also if
      those reasons by themselves can keep you happy. Don’t marry to
      prove a point or give in to undue pressure because at the end of
      the day its your life and marriage and you are responsible for it.
      Marriage is indeed beautiful if you get it right. It doesn’t have
      to be a torture at all. Cheers

    • Spicy October 11, 2013 at 5:25 PM

      @sad young wife, I just said a prayer for u. Please think carefully before you make any decisions and talk to someone, a counselor maybe…
      @Afam, totally loving your twisted sense of humor and sarcasm!

    • pretty mama October 11, 2013 at 9:01 PM

      @sad young wife you should read “the power of a praying wife” by Stormie Omartian. The lord is your strength

    • The Real Me October 11, 2013 at 9:22 PM

      Sad young wife, I feel your pain. I have been in the exact same situation but the difference between our stories is that I experienced all that emotional abuse in a relationship not marriage. Bitter truth is it will never get better and the only person who can fix the situation is YOU! First step- be very religious with your contraception. Secondly work on what is left of your self confidence and third go to the nearest luggage store and buy yourself some luggage and get out of there fast!!! But I want you to remember me when you cry at night or feel that heaviness on your heart because of all that’s happening around you because I went through worse. (I was physically abused as well) and I survived because I chose to. I upped and left when he least expected. If you want someone to talk to am not sure where you are but we may be in same space. Please let me know. God bless you my sister and you will get through this.

    • omada October 12, 2013 at 10:32 PM

      so many marriage counselors… all these stories reiterate my resolve not to jump into anything just because someone wants to wear asoebi and eat rice.

    • tobee October 14, 2013 at 10:25 AM

      So so many marriage counselors hia,but I wil want to differ and back up wat slice had said.this is not a marriage of abuse @ all,the young lady knew she wouldn’t work wen married dat was why she resigned her job,dnt see anythin badin wat d man did except dat he failed in his promise to sponser her master’s degree.why are pple so much in a hurry dis days to quit? Nd fr you commenters supporting her to run,seperate,divorce.pls make your advice constructive nd dnt be misleading innocent minds especially does who dnt really know wat marriage is al about. I thnk from wat I cud gather,she wasn’t in luv wth d guy while dey dated but thnks she wud improve wth time,her inability to do this was prolly d reasons fr her frustrations on d man,nd of cos,the man is not young nd wat is more important at dat age is having kids.I don’t bame him atal,bit if d truth be told the man shd ve gone fr someone older nd matured.my dear young woman,if you run out of dat marriage without doing wat you re supposed to do nd go do ur masters,infact build ur carreer up to mount everest,what if you stil ended up wth a man who will spite yur success? Pls just cal dat man nd luvingly xplain al dat you want to do nd ask fr his support nd try to adjust in some areas you re lacking.I believe his behavior wil change towards you nd he wil give you d needed support.ND plssss PRAY. Peace!

    • pee October 16, 2013 at 10:27 PM

      All hope is not lost. Let your hope be in God. How i wish you were in Abuja so you can enrol in the Marriage Enhancement Class of Family Worship Centre. I assume you are in Lagos. Please visit http://www.fwcabuja.org. click on this week’s media news and have a feel of what a woman wants in her man and vice versa. You will also find a lot of help thru facebook or twitter add of the church especially the messages of Pastor Sarah Omakwu & pst Wale Afelumo. Please find a good achurch that can help with marriage counselling. You will surely overcome this in Jesus’ Name. Amen

    • D October 18, 2013 at 8:56 AM

      Dami Ade-Odiachi!!!! Sarcasm at its best. Good work!!!!