Amauche Obi-Eyisi: Tinder, the Dating App-pocalypse

dreamstime_l_55000214I recently joined Tinder (and promptly left) out of boredom and because one of my BFFs was having a really good time with the guys she met on the app. A part of me was jealous and wanted to experience the same attention she got. At first, I was a huge snob of an app were people were mainly judged by their looks. Also, the concept of swiping left or right seemed very stupid to me and felt like playing a game of Candy Crush. Nevertheless, I joined the app while waiting for my flight from Atlanta to New York and I deleted the app approximately 12hours later.

So this is what happened: I joined and for the most part I kept swiping left because I was looking for my dark chocolate men. Tinder crash course 101: swiping left on the app means you are not interested, while swiping right means you are. If a person swipes right to your profile and you did same to theirs, Tinder notifies you of a match, and you can start messaging each other immediately. Few minutes later, I was chatting with multiple guys. I mean the confidence booster you get from using the app is amazing and I say this for many reasons. For one, when you swipe right to a very hot looking guy, your first thought is “yea right, I will never match with this dude” and then a second later Tinder tells you “Mr. Hot guy and my average self is a match *insert love struck emoji x10*

Anyway, I started talking with one guy in particular later that night. We exchanged names, jobs, and phone numbers and he texted me (disappointing! I was hoping for a phone call) before we called it a night. The following conversation happened the next day:

9am next day: The regular good morning pleasantries. How was your night?
9:26am- 10:42am:
Me: “Do you have work today?”
Him: “Nope, resting. Maybe I will see you after work?”
Me: “Sure. Maybe we can have a quick late lunch in Harlem. Been to Corner Social on 126th and Lenox?”
Him: “ohh I am home today o, too cold outside”
Me: “ok! So you cannot drag yourself out of the apartment?”
Him: “lol you already out why can’t you come”
Me: “lol so we just texted and you are expecting me to come and chill with you after work…. Tinder is really the dating apocalypse. Nigga bye, it was nice knowing you”

By 10:44am, the app was off my phone. Yes, in my opinion, Tinder and all other hookup apps masquerading as dating apps are really the apocalypse of dating. I had frequently heard and read that Tinder was the hookup app, but I was never a believer until I had my own experience.

I’ve used dating websites before, and in my experience, the people you meet on there at least pretend to care and take you on one or two dates before asking if you are DTF (Down to F*ck). Furthermore, dating websites allows you to read peoples profiles, see their likes, dislikes and activities, whereas in Tinder those things don’t exist.

In my Tinder case, the heifer (I have many other qualifying adjectives, but this would do) could not even get himself out of the apartment to meet me by the hot dog truck, halal food truck, McDonalds, Wendy’s, KFC before asking for a hook up. Rather he just wanted me to arrive to his apartment like Chinese food delivery. I don’t even blame him, I guess that was the norm he was accustomed to by other Tinderellas he has consumed and spat back into the society (Tinderella was coined in a Vanity Fair article titled “Tinder and the Dawn of the Dating Apocalypse”).

Tinder has made it so easy that the male specie cannot even make any attempt to have meaningful conversations before asking for something in return. Some can have emoji conversations without typing any English character and expect you to put out. Personally, I will be DTF with a guy I conversed with in a bar and one who paid for my drinks all night, but I will not be DTF with someone who swiped right and text messaged me. Please this write up was only to share my experience on Tinder and should not discourage other individuals willing to try. My BFF is having the time of her life with no strings attached. At this time, I have reverted back to online dating websites where people pretend to care before seeking Chinese food.

P.S. I’ve come to learn that most guys on Tinder swipe right to every profile even if you look like the Hulk to improve their matches. I guess that confidence booster is gone forever.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

28 Comments on Amauche Obi-Eyisi: Tinder, the Dating App-pocalypse
  • Chi-e-z January 20, 2016 at 5:57 pm

    Buhaha this was hilarious. Well least saves u trouble of spotting the douches plus gurl it’s too cold berra get a fleece and drink some cappuccino or something.

  • Mamacita January 20, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    Lol at even if you look like the Hulk

  • jennietobbie January 20, 2016 at 6:20 pm

    Azu the fish!!!! Baby girl, keeping our dating lives in check!!

  • Numero uno January 20, 2016 at 6:28 pm

    Next time you should ask them what they are looking for on Tinder, before you give out phone numbers. Most just want a fling, some of them are looking for something serious. You don’t have to say you’re looking for a husband, I usually go with “I’m bored” or “looking to make friends”. I have met serious guys with a Good job. Papers and everything, looking to settle. Religious differences have always been an issue.

  • Linda o January 20, 2016 at 6:33 pm

    Amazing article I was dying with laughter

  • Me too January 20, 2016 at 6:38 pm

    I agree with this article 1000%!!! Im also on tinder and seriously thinking of deleting the app. From men telling u that their girlfriends find u attractive and want threesomes, to the randy married men on there (some even wear their wedding rings…ironocally all the ones i later noticed(after we matched and i took a better look) had their weddinf rings were Naija! Lol. Its disappointing cos there are lots of goodlooking, well-to-do guys on there but i truly think
    Most of them are purely there for hookups.
    Ah well…

  • Yes January 20, 2016 at 7:03 pm

    I met my boyfriend on TINDER. We went on the first day, and the second, and the third….six months on I’m glad I swiped right

  • anon January 20, 2016 at 7:06 pm

    A heifer is a female cow, I’m not sure it should be used to describe a man.

  • GistLanders January 20, 2016 at 7:07 pm

    I agree with this post. I dont really like that app. God will help us

  • http://gistlander.blogspot.com.ng/ January 20, 2016 at 7:09 pm

    I agree with this post. I dont really like that app. God will help us…gistlander.blogspot.com.ng/

  • mx January 20, 2016 at 8:36 pm

    Madam,12hrs? Did your friend tell you tinder was the KFC (fastfood) of internet dating? I met THE most incredible guy on tinder and we’ve been dating for 5 months now. I have also made amazing friends and networking connections on the same platform. You just have to clarify your expectations from the get-go. For those that want to try it out, tinder is kinda also like life. You have to kiss a couple of frogs to meet your prince.

  • trixxy January 20, 2016 at 8:49 pm

    Very funny !!!! Great summary and ones knows what to expect from such apps..but maybe u are too in a hurry to delete the app..your BFF ‘s story could be your story …lolzzz

  • Anon January 20, 2016 at 9:05 pm

    But tinder is a hook up app. I don’t get. The entire premise of your otherwise funny article is flawed. You may decide to use it for something else but tinder is a hook up app. So…as advertised on the tin. ..yet you’re complaining. Na wa oh.

  • Spunky January 20, 2016 at 9:11 pm

    On behalf of those who are shy to ask, just how many of these social network gigs/ sites can one keep up with? It’s aiiii if it works for you.

  • CurvesAndEdges January 20, 2016 at 9:58 pm

    Tinder is what you make for it. There are guys on there who are actually looking for a relationship. You just have to be clear about what you want and you have to realize that it may take more than 12 hours or more than one unserious guy for you to find what you want.

    You should ask some 3-4 absolute deal breaker questions upfront before even agreeing to exchange contact info: e.g. what is he on tinder for? (Some guys will tell you straight up that they want to hook up) Is he married? Does he have kids? Does he have a degree? What does he do per work? etc. Ask whatever is super important to you, just don’t make it a full blown interview – 3 or 4 questions max. The guy who is looking for more than just a fling will only be too happy to answer your questions.

    It doesn’t mean you guys will get married next week, but at least you start off knowing you guys are somehow on the same page. Doesn’t mean you don’t reserve the right to dump him tomorrow (or vice versa).

  • Tosin January 20, 2016 at 11:23 pm

    deez really signs of end times.
    not really.

  • memebaby January 21, 2016 at 3:30 am

    well my cousin is having the time of her life.. even if its long distance between 2 north american countries and its just been 5 months.. these dating apps are not so bad.. yes you will meet jerks but there are good guys.. surprisingly,I have chatted with lots of nigerian guys on tinder and pof..most were assholes.. tried dating one ..didn’t work but we are buddies now..
    dating in this day and age get as e be.. maybe i should let my aunt hook me up.

  • Chioma Darasimi January 21, 2016 at 7:40 am

    Lol!…Azu! Nice piece

  • Carole January 21, 2016 at 8:24 am

    Just got the app lol! Time will tell???

  • huh January 21, 2016 at 10:14 am

    “Mr. Hot guy and my average self is a match *
    Hmmm…. self esteem issues my girl, what makes you see yourself as average and thus undeserving of a “hot guy”?

    “A part of me was jealous and wanted to experience the same attention she got. ”
    This gets another hmmm from me.

  • Mide January 21, 2016 at 12:28 pm

    Personally, I will be DTF with a guy I conversed with in a bar and one who paid for my drinks all night, but I will not be DTF with someone who swiped right and text messaged me…..

    Same difference…..all na 1day effort, the guy in d bar may just be spending his spare change and you’d be feeling cherished n DTF over what he could just as easily have done for a colleague or stranger….. very wise indeed!

  • Hypocrite January 21, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    I believe the app you were looking to download is called Christian Mingle, Tinder is what it is, a casual meet up app do your research before downloading you can’t play with fire and don’t expect to get burnt.

  • Asher January 21, 2016 at 7:08 pm

    There’s an app called “Christian mingle”??? Ahhh ooooo shey… *runs off to go download it*.

    Like someone said, Tinder is whatever you make me of it it’s just that i’ve not just been lucky enough there…. I keep swiping more lefts than rights….Many of the girls I see either look like mammy water or HIV – vectors with cleavages as deep as a grave. Na wa sha…One day I may just meet a decent girl ??. But till then it’s “to the left, to the left”

    • Bev January 22, 2016 at 1:26 am

      You are funny Asher. Yes there is a Christian singles app. I just downloaded tinder yesterday and I haven’t even opened it, now this episode. Me too, never been lucky with this dating apps. POF is probably worse than this tinder, but am gonna give it a try.

    • Tai omo yoruba nimi January 22, 2016 at 11:30 pm

      @ asher how tall are you? are you good looking,a God fearing man and treat women right? lets hook up

    • Tai omo yoruba nimi January 22, 2016 at 11:31 pm

      @ asher how tall are you? are you good looking,a God fearing man and treat women right? lets hook up! im serious by the way

    • Amauche
      Amauche Obi-Eyisi January 23, 2016 at 4:23 am

      asher please make sure to give my article a shout out at your wedding with tai omo yoruba nimi lol. good luck

  • Kelechi March 10, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    Very nice babe

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