Aunty Bella: Miss. I Don’t Love My Boyfriend

Aunty Bella is our agony aunt column on BellaNaija. We launched this column in the early days of BN and periodically feature issues sent in by BN readers. We hope the BN family can offer insightful advice as well.

Dear Aunty Bella,

I am a regular reader of your blog and I have a problem that I will like BellaNaijarians to advise me on. I will love my identity to be anonymous to the public.

So I am in my late twenties and just as expected, family and friends are on my neck to bring home a man. I don’t even have a relationship but my mum is always singing the marriage song into my ears and I decided to get a man just to buy time. I met this nice guy whom I wasn’t really attracted to but he asked me out and I decided to start something with him just to please my mum.

Obviously I started the relationship for the wrong reason.

As time went by, I started realizing we had a lot of differences; we argued more than we conversed. I just couldn’t find the spark that will make me love him. Each time I tried growing the love, he acts in ways that just irritates and frustrates me.

While I was still trying to grow my feelings for this guy, I spent time with friends and friends of friends. I got closer to a male friend of mine and even though we have known each other for a long time, I started liking him. I got really attracted to him and before you know it, we started having sex. I told him from the beginning that I didn’t love my boyfriend and I am trying to grow my feeling for my boyfriend so we agreed that what we were doing was just having fun. We didn’t want our mutual friends to know what was happening and we soon decided to stop having sex before getting caught.

That period that I was with this other guy was one of the best moments of my life. As I got to know him better, I fell in love with his personality. He is a gentleman to the core. He treats women with respect, he cooks for me, cleans the kitchen and dishes while I do the cooking sometimes. He listens to me and always inspires me to be a better person, he is driven and focused on his career and yes, he is cute! I mean who wouldn’t fall in love with this man. So after we ended things, I couldn’t let my boyfriend touch me because I was already having feelings for another man and didn’t know how to pretend and let him touch me. I eventually agreed and when I did, I was thinking about the other guy all through. That was when I knew that I was in trouble; sleeping with one man and thinking of another man.

I decided to tell the guy about how I was feeling but he didn’t believe me. He kept reminding me that I have a boyfriend. Another mutual friend of ours who didn’t know what was happening told me she accidentally walked into him sleeping with another girl. This girl he slept with has slept with almost all our mutual friends and I felt hurt and disappointed that he could even consider it. I confronted him and he said he is just a single guy having fun and he is sorry if he disappointed me. I am really pissed and don’t know what to do because I am having feelings for him. How do I get him off my head? Should I keep trying to grow feelings for my boyfriend?

Please, I need the best advice I can possibly get. Feel free to insult me if you feel I deserve it.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime

74 Comments on Aunty Bella: Miss. I Don’t Love My Boyfriend
  • Iris January 18, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    Buy you already know what to do na. You’re just looking for people to validate your actions. The one you’re in love with has told you he’s doing it for fun. You may feel hurt but you can’t blame him because he never lied to you. In fact, by confronting him -no matter how hurt you are – you are the one going against the arrangement you had. You have to let him go and move on. Perhaps later down the line you two will come together for real.
    As for your current boyfriend, your feelings should not be assignment. ‘Growing feelings’ is not an act that you DO. Feelings should develop without work. It is after the feelings appear that you work to keep the relationship. Like I said, you know what to do.
    You’re in your late twenties and unmarried.., ehen join the club. It is better to wait a little longer and share the rest of your lives together in happiness than to jump the gun and be regretful forever or get a divorce after two years. There will always be pressure from outside. It is not new. Such is the lot of today’s single Nigerian woman. Just remember that if you marry for your parents, they won’t be there to suffer in the marriage with you.

    • Surely January 20, 2016 at 9:46 am



  • Jane January 18, 2016 at 3:15 pm

    “Growing” love could take a lifetime. And there’s no guarantee that you will love him.

    I had a similar experience

    Too many ups and downs. Not worth it.

  • Adenike January 18, 2016 at 3:23 pm

    Sooo I’ve been told by a guy, that when a guy sleeps with you several times, and still reminds you that you have a boyfriend, it’s code for he’s not interested. So you just entered one chance me love. Forget about both guys and look to God for a good life partner. No point forcing what is not there (in the case of bf and side boo). If you are not religious, just keep looking and apply sense.

    • nene January 18, 2016 at 4:01 pm


    • Ayo January 19, 2016 at 8:06 pm

      Adenike u are crazy lol! Truth hurts and U just told her the truth! But sincerely I expect her to try and ignore her parents or she will end up with d wrong man and maybe Fucking someone else outside.

  • Ada January 18, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    To the girls who can do 2 men at the same time, #muchrespect! How do you girls divide your emotions biko nu? Sis, you slept with the guy because you were attracted to him, he slept with you because he was catching fun! Leave him alone, you cannot force him to love you! You cannot force yourself to love your BF either. Best thing is, LEAVE BOTH OF THEM ALONE! Wait and love someone else. Late 20s is not even very late sef so no need for desperation, there are people in mid to late 30s and dem never die. Relax!

    I am in my late 20s as well, in addition to that, I have a few relatives hanging around saying I will never marry. I could just marry someone just to prove a point to them. But why let them ruin my life because I want to prove a point. Don’t ruin your life because Mum wants you married. All our Mums want us married but they want us happy even more than that! RELAX!

    • nene January 18, 2016 at 4:01 pm


    • Ayo January 19, 2016 at 8:08 pm

      Best Advice Ada

    • Surely January 20, 2016 at 9:48 am

      Are you having challenges with comprehension??? She is not “dividing” her emotions and she doesn’t have any for her bf but her side dude… Read before you start giving underhanded compliments…

  • fleur January 18, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    Why are you wasting valuable real estate on bella naija for this imagined problem? I’d toy don’t know what to do, leave us alone

  • fleur January 18, 2016 at 3:28 pm

    *if you don’t know what to do leave us alone*

  • yes January 18, 2016 at 3:29 pm

    So i have this story to tell…

    I met this young guy shortly after ending a committed relationship. At the point, I thought I was ready to date seriously. Hes a student in Europe trying to find his foot. After he met me, he told me he considered me as his wife. I instantly fell in love with how he was in love with me. He would do ANYTHING to make me happy. I went on holidays twice to Europe in a year all paid for by him. In the course of our relationship, I met a white guy.

    It started off as a fling, but I ended up spending more and more time with him. Eventually my BF found out and I made up as story about the guy. But I couldnt go on for long. During my second visit, he found out about the depth of my relationship with the white guy. He messaged the guy and demanded answers.

    OMG it as a hell period. My BF was devastated! But at the end of the day me and the white guy talked and we decided to move forward with our relationship. He is 29, Im 26. Weve already been together 6 months without a label and now we are a couple now. I

    I really like him and love the connection with him. I dont know how to appease my now ex-bf. He is still angry

    • A Real Nigerian January 18, 2016 at 3:48 pm

      I fail to see what this has to do with anything.
      Or do you want all of us to know that you are dating a white man?

    • nene January 18, 2016 at 4:03 pm

      why can’t ppl just end a relationship before starting another one. just ask for a break first, then explore another person to see if u like that person more.smh

    • briish queen January 18, 2016 at 4:04 pm

      kpele you try oooo, but its better a happy rship than a pitiable rship

    • Bello January 18, 2016 at 4:20 pm

      Sad…but I feel you should have spoken to your now EX bout him

    • hezekina pollutina January 18, 2016 at 5:07 pm

      here’s a quarter….

    • Honeycrown January 18, 2016 at 5:43 pm

      I think it’s unfair when BN allows other people to tell their own “stories” via others platform. @ yes….If you need advice, evaluation, commendation, empathy etc send in your own story the proper way to Aunty Bella. Abeg stop causing a detour.

    • Ayo January 19, 2016 at 8:18 pm

      Hmmmmmmm – two guys at same time Waoooooo! Truth is u never loved ur Bf. U just wanted someone to give u attention and he gave u! As for ur White Bf now don’t know what u mean by u guys being a couple now! Are U now married to d white guy? U need serious counseling send me a message on my mail :…regards

  • briish queen January 18, 2016 at 3:39 pm

    Please free yourself, be single again and enjoy life without being intimate with anyone, stop all this jumping from one man’s bed to another pleaseeeeeee, you can go on dates with guys, have friends but stop sleeping with them until your own man comes and commits with you. stop all this distractions and toiling with emotions because you need a man to validate you or impress your parents. stop it now except your bf is rich and you want to marry for financial security.

  • Jesus’ Brother January 18, 2016 at 3:40 pm

    You see, you can’t let devil start his game with you in 2016….

    God loves you more than any of these guys… He wants you to have a relationship with him. Your mind can be free! Your can be happy. Right now, go to a quiet place and talk to God honestly about how you feel. He hears!

  • Isabelle January 18, 2016 at 3:41 pm

    I’ve been there before, and I’ve always told myself that the pressure of marriage isn’t worth the misery of being with someone I don’t care for. And have a look at your situation right now. It’s not making you happy at all, and you’re in an emotional mess, having feelings for someone who is unavailable, and in a relationship with another you don’t care for. Don’t you deserve something better than this? Both you and the boyfriend deserve to be with someone is equally interested. Run while you can. From both guys. Because the other guy who keeps reminding you that you have a boyfriend, that’s his way of telling you he’s not interested.

  • A Real Nigerian January 18, 2016 at 3:45 pm

    “Feel free to insult me if you feel I deserve it” Yaaaaaaaaaaay!!! Haha LoL. JK.
    Try and win the good guy back, if you can’t and even after you do, you feel it isn’t the same as before, let it go.
    As for the other lame guy, don’t even consider him at all.
    No insults for you, but rather, for your mom, who happens to be a very selfish, fetid woman, just like most Nigerian mothers. They are only interested in using their children too boost their own social status and have little to no concern about the wellbeing of their children. Why would a mother force her own child into marriage? What is marriage and why do Nigerians place so much importance on it?
    Don’t let your mom or anybody else force you to do what you don’t want to do. Don’t let anybody set your own standards for you. If you jump into marriage to please some so-called parents rather than for your own happiness and satisfaction, you will end up leading a very bitter and joyless life.
    This is marriage we are talking about, not a fling or a mere friendship. Why would you wake up next to, eat with, sleep with, talk to and live with someone you are not comfortable with for the rest of your life? The rest of your life! You have at least 50+ years to live, and you want to spend it living with some man you are not happy with? Every single day of those 50 years?
    When the troubles, trials and tribulations of your failed marriage start weighing on you, you will be the only one to suffer it. Not your mom who wants you to get married by all means, so she can use you and your children to boast.
    Girl, settle down, take your time and find a man perfect for you. Age is nothing. Marriage is nothing. Your happiness is what matters. Nothing else. If you settle down for less just because of the pressure or because you want to please your family, kiss that happiness goodbye. Fake smiles, disappointment and dissatisfaction will take over you, and worst of all, you will turn into a bad person who is always angry at every thing. And of course, that will in turn have a negative effect on the upbringing of your children, who will also in turn become bad people. Growing up in an unhappy and dysfunctional home is horrible, and if not for your own sake, think of how those kids will end up. Only a miracle will prevent kids growing up in such a tense and loveless environment from turning into something else. Living in a home with someone you don’t love and not comfortable with is one of the worst things that can happen to someone.
    Find a good man for you, and if you happen never to find him, get a job and move to your own home (assuming you don’t have one already) because your mom will certainly grow to hate you. This is just the truth.
    Goodluck with your decisions.

    • Author Unknown January 19, 2016 at 7:03 am

      Apparently, the ‘good’ guy can’t say no to sex. Lol. Meanwhile you BN readers are funny. When you’re invited to insult, you don’t. When you’re not, you rain insults. Is that how it works around here?

  • Aviela January 18, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    Hmmm,i wish i could tell you what you obviously want to hear but i won’t do that,what struck me most about your”situation” is the fact that you didn’t say you if you felt you were ready to get married. All you did say were the expectations of your mother and family.I believe love is a process but sometimes no matter how hard we try and want it,it might not just happen,you should have broken it off with your boyfriend,as for the other guy,sweetie,it was just sex,whether he cleans after you or even gives you a bath,showers you with romance and all, it is still just sex,and it was fun while it lasted.My two cents;give yourself a break,think things through figure out if you are really ready to settle down,you don’t have to marry the next guy you meet but you would know if you are ready. Stay blessed.

  • RIFF RAFF January 18, 2016 at 3:49 pm

    Women losing themselves again… complain din’t love a guy even when he’s nice yet you “love” the one who satisfies himself on you and then leaves. Women!!!!

    -You don’t love your boyfriend; you just stayed cos of the “marriage pressure” on your neck.
    -You end up with one guy you “seem” to “love” only to find out this was only a case of friendship with benefits. Cutty buddy things

    Ok here we go:

    1) You don’t have feelings for “cutty buddy” per se; you’re just infatuated; You “went ” him to “unconsciously” relieve yourself of all the marriage pressure mommy was putting down on you. The things peer pressure can make one do….chai!
    You feel bad about “cutty buddy” not because u “love” him, but because you felt used and rejected. No body likes being rejected esp a woman; it gives a huge blow to your self-esteem and makes you feel you are not good enough.
    2) Sometimes it takes a huge blow to learn to appreciate what we got and that grass ain’t always greener on the other side.
    3) Apart from the pressure to get married, why don’t u like this “nice” boyfriend? Please answer with logical facts. Any bad attitude, red flags or just that you don’t “feel” him? Women and those their “feelings” sha.
    4) Genuinely nice, caring guys are hard to find, youu know especially in this our part of the continent.. Don’t be carried by “fine”, “fun” guys with “swag” and end up regretting later.
    Proverb to back it up: A COW KNOWS THE IMPORTANCE OF ITS TAIL ONLY WHEN IT IS CUT OFF! Don’t let this proverb apply to you in future, abeg

    Me thinks u should give “nice” boyfriend a chance WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE???. ; GIVE IT A TRY . BUT DO IT AT YOUR OWN PACE. SHUT EVERYONE OUT OF YOUR BIZZ THIS TIME, EVEN MOMMY.. TWO OF YOU SHOULD START ALL OVER AGAIN…. AT YOUR OWN PACE, i repeat. Away from the pressure and what people say .Maybe sparks could be ignited.

    If nothing happens despite your sincere efforts (make an effort to be sincere), well, it’s better to let the guy find someone who will truly appreciate the “niceness” he has to offer. AND DON’T GET JEALOUS WHEN IT HAPPENS O!! WOMEN AND THEIR ILLOGICAL WAYS!!!

    P;S: Don’t even think about returning to cutty buddy except u wan mess your pillow with tears and snot.
    Is it today we know women and their lack of logic????

    Please come and give us feedback; Most of you neva come to give us update:!!!!

    • Me; Unscripted January 18, 2016 at 8:01 pm

      @Riff Raff…very well said dear. U hit the nail on the head

      @ Poster, Babe! if my story impacts just you or one person here today then i feel my goal has been accomplished. Let me start by saying you are being extremely childish. See all those “butterflies in your stomach”, “fireworks flying” …serenren, Was how i foolishly passed up on a good thing.
      But i will begin with this, dude you were smashing on the side, is a natural born player! And what all players have in common is their ability to charm, seduce, exude the qualities we women dream of (so much they make you question your love for your man if you currently have one)….they have been at this for a while and have a certain finesse to their craft. A gullible woman typically falls for this act, i see it all the time, such an amateur move, but a seasoned veteran in the game can see through the smokes and mirrors. See all that being super attentive, cooking, cleaning…..darling, it was all part of the plan to get in your panties. He was priming you for slaughter, and you walked right into his knife. Anyway, he is bad news, let it go already and don’t for a second hold on or think you can change men like that to make him want you. Typically when guys tell you there ain’t checking for you like that, they hardly ever go back on their word.
      Now the about the boyfriend, its funny i had to read this because i had something similar happen to me this recently. Years ago, I had a guy on my case, extremely successful, decent looking who chased me relentlessly for at least 6 years. I went out a couple of times with him and decided the “spark” was not there…… I found his accent irritating, he wasn’t on my speed as far as exposure, he was not tall enough(i will tower over him in heels but when i wore flats we were the same height), and i just was not attracted to him, ……ahhhhhhh, the joys of being so young with lots of options and gullible! So i friend zoned him. This guy will always call to check on me, never forgot my birthday (and he doesn’t do social media so he must have had my birthdate memorized), always called, would make attempts to visit me and bring flowers …..Looking back now, I didn’t deserve him at all. I was so vain, stupid, selfish and stuck on myself that i could not realize i had a good thing in front of me. Instead i fell for the successful guys with “swag”, who had countless women on their case. I was just another number for them. I remember my mom begged me relentlessly to give Mr Nice guy a chance and i refused, i told her my heart was not in it….so silly of me.
      After the last successful swaggalicious bastard and I ended things last year, i decided i had enough dating these brand of idiots i seem attracted to and would give Mr nice guy a chance. Besides i was on the wrong side of thirty and was ready to settle fast! Well, things took an unexpected turn for me, When i told him i was finally ready to date him, he looked so sad and he told me he met a girl recently, but they had just started talking and things were going good.I did not see it coming, because we spoke regularly and he never mentioned this chick. Fastforward to two months, i heard they were engaged, he called to let me know, I was upset, i discontinued communication with him after that even though he tried several times to reach out to me…. just like that he got married within months! I hyperventilated and cried my eyes out when i saw the pictures on social media. It hurt like hell.
      I was upset, but to be fair, i was the architect of my own problem. Sometimes when God puts people into our lives, it is for a reason, I passed up on a good thing and kick myself everyday for it. I have begged God everyday since then for mercy and ask he forgive me for my pride and disobedience. My dear, when God’s wrath visits you, no one will teach you before you humble yourself and get on your knees.
      My advice to you, hold on to your boyfriend, beg for God’s forgiveness and come clean with that man. Let him decide if he wants to continue the relationship or not. If he does, well i guess God must have given you another chance, and if he doesn’t, life happens! move on.

      Most importantly, don’t let childish infatuations cloud your judgement. If “butterflies” and “sparks” was enough to sustain a relationship, then no one will be getting divorce today, because most went in with those qualities you want so badly. Look for genuine qualities; Ask yourself this; God forbid you were diagnosed with cancer tomorrow and lose weight and your hair falls out, would this guy stick around? Would he still love and be attracted to you when you look your worst? Would he protect you at all times or when convenient for him? Can he provide for you? What kind of father would he make? These my dear is what you need to focus on, not the superficial silly Jane Austen rubbish you are stuck on.
      Sorry for the epistle, hope this helps

      • memebaby January 19, 2016 at 3:01 am

        sighhh.. thank you.

      • Oyindee January 19, 2016 at 7:10 am

        Can I just hug you?you have not just impacted me with this,you have pulled me out of a deep hole,thank you dear and God bless you,you will find that man that is for you,will say a word of prayer for you

  • nene January 18, 2016 at 3:59 pm

    You have made a big mistake. By sleeping with this other guy, you’ve reduced yourself and ur worth as a potential wife to him because you’ve shown him that you’re a cheater. You should break up with your boyfriend because you don’t love him, and look for another guy who makes you happy. but forget that guy that you were having sex with because he’s not serious and i doubt he loves you. for him, it’s all about sex. Also if you’re desperate for a man or marriage, work on yourself and try to be strategic in finding a man e.g dress well, look goo, go out more, go to places where u can find ur type of man, and get involved in church activities, etc. I think finding a man is easier than women say it is, but most of us believe the man has to search for us.

  • beauty January 18, 2016 at 4:12 pm

    F*ck was the first word that came out of my mouth after reading this. Babe please leave that other guy alone, he has clearly told you who he is “a single guy who is just having fun”. He slept with another girl who had supposedly slept with your mutual friends and you think he is a keeper??? He might have the other qualities of being caring, gives you a listening ear, good cook bla bla, but how about a cheat!!!( if you guys get into a relationship).
    As for your boyfriend, give him the benefit of doubt this coming weeks WITH AN OPEN HEART and see if things may change. If it doesn’t and you have convinced yourself enough, take a walk. Love will find you dear.

  • eagle eye January 18, 2016 at 4:13 pm

    my dear don’t be pressured by your parents and foes and get into a failed marriage before it even should not marry to please your parents, compete with age mates or afraid of age.the one that is destined to you is around, just be calm and don’t appear like a desperados to anyman who wants a date with you.The guy u claim is in love with is in no way ready for a committed relationship so you should’nt even count on him. You have no sentiments for your boyfriend and should’nt insist to stay with him coz u would be causing so much harm to yourself as u would never live a fulfilled life. forget the guys and move on.God is our helper

  • distraction January 18, 2016 at 4:14 pm

    Hmmm i have been in your shoes also, just that mine i was having issues with my man and got close to a friend, we grew so much feelings we almost got togther but we both knew it wouldnt lead to marriage. we got intimate, had fun, had a mature discussion and remained good friends. your “:friend”or shld i say frenemy (enemy inform of a friend) he took advantage of your situation, most guys take advantage when a girl complains about their relationship 2 them and no friend should do this so you shld even hate him rather dan having feelings.
    your current man, i dont know how long u have been togther but u should know some things about him, is he a gud man? will he make a good father and husband? noone is perfect, even the bella couples have their downtimes. if his flaws are something you cannot deal with hunnie what are you waiting for? till you are over 30 and u’ll say its too late to start again and den u marry and be cheating with frenemies? pls think deep, check urself u have flaws also and marriage can only work when yu can deal with eachothers flaws. Your mum will not live with you u know? she will not endure the sadness nor d love u will get. THINK AND GET OVER THAT SILLY SINGLE GOAT YOU CALL A FRIEND

  • honest one January 18, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    No judgement but i just got carried away with ‘sleeping with him……sleeping with my boyfriend i dont love…..caught him sleeping with a girl that has slept with almost all our mutual friends. so much body count!!! can we learn to love, value and appreciate our body…its not something we should give at the drop of a hat.

  • Olanna&Odenigbo January 18, 2016 at 4:21 pm

    You slept with another man while committed to one, and you have the nerve to feel disappointed that he turned around and gave you a taste of your own medicine by shining another mutual friend…… bia woman, don’t add to the irritation of this Lagos sun! You’re only disappointed you didn’t make a mugu out of him….

    If you don’t love this boyfriend as you have described, then sex is a job for you, and if that is the case, remind me how you’re far from prostitution?….. Please use whatever is left of your dignity to release yourself from such bondage- from BOTH men….and work on getting your sense back FIRST before you keep looking for love/lust in all the wrong places!

    Also age aside, if pressure is making you make silly mistakes like this, you’re not emotionally mature enough for the responsibility of marriage…. better relax, shine your eyes well and give yourself time to grow.

  • Jay January 18, 2016 at 4:37 pm

    -Look first of all if he had respect for women as you said then he wouldn’t have spelt with you knowing you were with someone else .
    -secondly get out of your relationship you don’t want to get to the stage of meeting the family and paying of bride price.
    -lastly use your head next time what did you expect when he slept with the other girl, na today. He owes you nothing better cancel those feelings and work on yourself.

  • Manb4real January 18, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    @Honest one,I wish I could like your comment a thousand times, well said. Adult human beings should learn to give their bodies some respect pleassssssse,we are not animals. With God,all things are possible. May we all locate God’s help for our lives in Jesus name, amen.

  • @edDREAMZ January 18, 2016 at 4:51 pm

    Nne yu are a hoe and a very big one self.. Pls come and slp with me to complete the hoeism……

  • Chi January 18, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    3) she has already explained why she doesn’t like ‘nice’ boyfriend . Go back and read again !!!!

    Stop asking her to resurrect a non-relationship that is dead on arrival.

  • ATL’s finest January 18, 2016 at 5:02 pm

    No matter how good of a woman U are, U will never be good enough to a man who isn’t ‘READY’. So hopefully U think properly & do what’s BEST for U. HAPPYday day✌

  • Clatus January 18, 2016 at 5:12 pm

    Dont take this the wrong way yo, but its people like you that make this world a tough place to live in.
    Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!
    I am happy for you that you are happy with your new boo and things are going well for you, but have taken time to think about the evil chain reaction you have started in your EX-bf’s life. You have just successful created another dude with trust issues for another woman to inherit. Later you be asking why things are going wrong with your relationship when the other woman is firing prayers because she married the mess you created. Well for the Love of God and yourself I will advise you to beg beg beg this guy for forgiveness so he can move on to the next person on a clean slate. At least if not for him, for yourself.
    @ poster,
    You do know relationships started as “Friends with Benefits” 9 times out of 10 never end well right? Physical and emotional attractions are usually confused to be the same thing but both are required from both parties (to whatever extent) to create a lasting relationship. I will include God in the mix if you are religious. It appears you are in a pretty bad place with both guys to move forward. I will advise you to take a step back from both situations, give yourself time to start over (travel or something), and try to work on building an emotional connection (make sure you see same in him too) with next person before you take things further. Even if at first chance you think you see a little bit of both attactions from the next guy you meet, I will still advise you to give it a “time test” by taking things slow and getting to meet his friends and then him your friends before going further. It also helps to ask for God for his favor as well.
    Granted, there is no almighty formula for creating a lifetime relationship but I believe working on these three things I’ve mentioned at the start of a love interest gives a better chance of avoiding some mistakes. Just thought I pass on some of the wisdom I’ve acquired. I wish I known all this earlier than I did because I had to learn all this the hard way.

  • aurora January 18, 2016 at 5:16 pm

    Legit tired of this new generation of women. You cheated on your boyfriend and you are giving excuses. Why can’t we women ever take responsibility for our foolish actions? Always wanna put the blame on someone/something. Madam, please go and apologise to the guy you were supposed to be committed to, apologise and let him go because you don’t deserve him. I can only imagine if a guy wrote this story, all the admonitions will be crazy. Yet, we are consoling her as if someone died.
    If you came here expecting us to chastise ‘single guy having fun’ sorry to disappoint you. He basically paid you back in your own coin.

  • Californiabawlar January 18, 2016 at 5:26 pm

    I have nothing to say to you….na you sabi.


    Okay, so how is it that Nigerian babes can have ten boyfriends and then end up as the mumu victim wife??! something is definitely wrong somewhere! Is it that we’re only told to be subservient faithful wives who can’t even dream of cheating but no one ever really mentors us on how to be proper partners when we are single? Cos this type of fcukfest up here happens more often than we would care to imagine.

    I’m not even joking o! It’s mind boggling! I have a friend who was seeing at least 4guys even after her now husband proposed…one of her bobos even almost killed himself when he found out she was getting married (2 weeks before). Meanwhile now ehn! her spirikoko no get part two! Even if her husband cheats, she’ll just stay and say God doesn’t allow divorce and her husband is the head of the home….the type of religious jargon she stays spitting ehn… I just look at her like, no be you again?!!hehehe
    Hmmn…maybe it’s the same line of thinking of friend back then in secondary school. She had said she was going to become born again after she gets married just so she can be a good prayer warrior for her kids….she didn’t see the point in being a spiritual/religious young lady…babe was wayyyy ahead of her time ???

  • aaewhy January 18, 2016 at 5:30 pm

    My own 2 bits leave the two of them alone and talk to mummy tell her to chill with the pressure and just pray along with you to find the right person , biko stop with all the sleeping with this and that respect your body

  • Chi January 18, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    I know how you feel. Take heart dear

    First step, you are not alone. Lots of people have this experience of feeling that they re not a complete woman and it’s because of the immense pressure society places on us. When you succumb to this pressure the same society will turn and make jest of you should the marriage fail. If you decide to face front and remain single they will call you all sorts of names- old mama youngie, your mates don born finish, you never marry etc

    Two , you need to take two steps back and reflect. None of these guys are made for you. Leave them alone

    Three, ask the Holy Spirit to lead you. Ask God to forgive you. You re body is precious and priceless . Don’t throw pearls to pigs. They ll just trample on it. Ask God for what you want and He will deliver. He is the best matchmaker. I want you to feel His peace on the inside guiding you and you will not be troubled by all the external influences

    Four, you will get married my sister if that’s what you want. That one is given.Don’t listen to haters. I ve got lots of Bimbo Odukoyas books if you want any- single and married, the single life,…. I read them to give myself encouragement and keep my Spirits up. I can give them for free if you want. I read proverbs and bombarded my mind with positive scripture that inspired me. You need to encourage yourself in the Lord my sister because the negative thoughts tend to creep in. I kept a diary because it helped me clear my mind. I stopped running from pillar to post.

    For me I d always wanted to get married and have kids . If that’s what you want fine. Don’t let anyone decide for you.

  • Honeycrown January 18, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    I’m officially tired of all these rhetoric stories asking for advice.

  • Netflix&nap January 18, 2016 at 5:59 pm


  • Dey disgrace women January 18, 2016 at 6:05 pm

    Why are you disgracing us like this? Guy sleeps with u telling u from the beginning that it’s just fun and you’re catching feelings?! Girls, when will you ever learn?!!! Most “friends with benefits” things benefits the GUY not the GIRL.

    Not only that, you cheat on your boyfriend and u’re expecting happily ever after with another guy?!

    You think your “friend with any benefits” has any respect for u knowing u’re a cheat? Even if he were to marry you, you honestly think there’ll be any trust in your marriage? See how women put themselves in trouble then start writing to BellaNaija

    My dear, leave both guys alone.
    1. Leave your boyfriend because he deserves better than a girl who would cheat on him. I bet there’s another lady who’s pining for him, hoping he’ll notice her and you’re here cheating on him. Let him go so that a girl who genuinely wants to spend the rest of her life with him can have a chance with him.

    Reminds me of one of my friends who was crazy in love with her male friend who didn’t return her feelings because he was killing himself in a relationship with one beautiful babe only to find out his babe was sleeping with not one, not two but four different guys, one of them his friend. Thank God my friend had received sense and moved on with her life.

    2. Your “friends with benefits” owes u no explanation or loyalty. He didn’t lie to you, did he? So leave him alone. Guy has probably taken your gist to his friends.

    3. Go and regain your self-respect. Close your legs too. We all understand the pressure to get married. I’m getting to my late twenties too. Am I bothered? Yes. Will I let it weigh me down? No! Better a happy single life than a miserable married life.

    BNers, double standard much? If it’s a guy, you all would be cursing him out.

  • confusedgal January 18, 2016 at 6:19 pm

    don’t think l have any advice for u as l have a similar issue wit it is…sorry for the deviation.l recently started dating this guy,he’s been my friend blf we got into a relationship.truth is dat l don’t knw hw we started but we started anyways n l felt fulfilled cos he’s everything l have ever wanted n asked for except his height;he’s sooo tall n body structure,silly right??…he’s my lst bf @23.l have had the best time of my life with him and am very open with him same as him but along the line l discovered his genotype was not a match wit mine.l was devastated,angry at myself for not asking initially. l confronted him n he said it was OK.just like that that he doesn’t want to give me up because he doesn’t want kids.the sad truth is dat ever since dat day l haven’t been relaxed in the rlship as l don’t like being involved in anything that holds no future for not yet for ready for marriage but at least l hope to see a future wit any guy am fear is that l will lose his friendship lf l break up wit him which l don’t ever want to.he lnspires me.l have also meet people that mean the world to him.l love him to the core.l have been praying to God for an act that will break us really confused!

  • Tk January 18, 2016 at 6:31 pm

    Smh. Madam cheat with no self value, always end a relationship before going into another one talkless of sleeping with another guy and also you sounded like a lady who will cheat on her husband. I think you need to work on your self before betraying another guys trust.

  • pol January 18, 2016 at 6:56 pm

    i wish one day we bellanigerian commenters will just gang up and write the opposite of what some of these women (who have already answered their problem on bella naila) so that they can make more mistakes. why are u asking us since you already have the answers to your wahala
    msheww, lol!!

  • Blackcoffee January 18, 2016 at 7:51 pm

    You got played big time my dear pele…

  • RelationTips January 18, 2016 at 8:04 pm

    Parents will always be parents but you cannot live your life for your parents, They have lived theirs. Your mum loves you that’s why she’s showing concern but then you also love yourself and have your life way ahead of you.

    You need to stand up to your mum and let her know what’s up – she may want the best for you but what if her best is not your best? Her best is what you’ve gone after, your current BF, and see how it has caused you to date a guy you don’t love and even cheated on the poor dude and also hurting yourself all because of “mum’s best”.

    Please my dear, end things with your current BF and if possible be true to him and ask for forgiveness, it is very important because what you don’t repent of or see no wrong in will happen to you. You can see your “side boy” already cheated on you and he did it fast even though he was “ideal”. After you do that, move on!

    You’re moving on to find who you truly are because when you truly know who you are, no one can pressure you into doing what you don’t want to, and you will know what kind of Man you would want to give your heart to. Not just giving it to any man who looks eligible.

    While you move on, please keep em legs closed. It’s possible and it helps you get rid and stay away from unnecessary baggage. You need to define yourself and carry yourself in that light. When you do, you will naturally attract the man that God has destined to Find you.

  • ola January 18, 2016 at 9:32 pm

    I have come to realize that it is a lot easier for us to judge others when we ourselves have issues of our own. The least we can do is to criticize the lady in love. Obviously she has made mistakes but lets not add to her misery. To the writer I suggest you turn to God. He’s the only one that can help you deal with the pressure to get married. Plus the media does not help these days: pre-wedding photoshoot, proposal story, asoebi bellanaija, not to mention the annoying nollywood movies that seem to only focus on silly love stories. Honestly you should not be forcing yourself to love someone. I wish a lot of people knew that the choices we make not only affect us but generations unborn. The family system is so important and the devil does not want you to make the right choice If you make the wrong decision maritally, you are not the only one who would suffer, your children would also suffer. I know how God has had to deliver me from self esteem issues that stemmed from coming from a broken family. From what I’ve read you are a selfish person, everything you wrote has been about yourself. Take this from someone who is a work in progress in that regard. Girl what you need is God. You are so not ready for marriage even if you are in your late twenties. If you ask God for help he would help you. One of the best prayers I ever said to God was this ‘God please reveal to me things that are hindering my progress in life’ My dear God did not waste time in answering o. He started to show me how much I talked too much, how self centered I was etc. I wish you the best. You know yourself more than any other person.

  • Even more confused January 18, 2016 at 9:44 pm

    So………y’all just going to ignore the fact that she was “actively” cheating on her “boyfriend”?

    Or because “she didn’t really have feelings for him” so it doesn’t count, right?

    Double Standards.

    • californiabawlar January 19, 2016 at 3:49 am

      lol….the drama was too much ni…she went from being a cheat to catching feelings for a fwb…there’s only so much we can do…but Ed Dreamz has answered her on that one though!Notice how no one is disagreeing with him?? hehehe

  • Kitty January 18, 2016 at 9:56 pm

    I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years now.. I don’t love him anymore but I can’t break up with him.. I’m waiting for him to tell me is over but still he’s not

    • Puzzles January 18, 2016 at 10:29 pm

      Will he kill you if you break up with him? What would you do if he proposes? Na wa o

    • tega January 20, 2016 at 2:45 am

      u are wicked…..for 5 years ….how do u think he will feel

  • jnizubs January 19, 2016 at 12:02 am

    close ya legs and wait for the right man.

  • Ms.b January 19, 2016 at 1:06 am

    Why can’t girls learn how to just have sex and not develop feelings? You and a guy have sex and ppl say he used you, how did he use u? Didn’t u enjoy the sex also? My comment is for those ppl shaming her, sex is sex. When women stop looking at sex as a big deal they would feel better about themselves.

  • fleur January 19, 2016 at 1:35 am

    I came back because this story bothered me. So you are expecting respect and TRUST (elements of a steady and fruitful relationship) of someone with whom you blatantly committed an act that demonstrates you are to be distrusted and that you have no respect for yourself and a male person in the position of boyfriend. Let me speak my maternal grandma’s ibo. “Nne, e gbala aji ikpu, toruo e kpo nwoke. Ihe e choro no gi nonu.” direct translation is not for the underaged. Goes something like “you have grown bear bear in your down below and old enough to collect full size male member. The talk wey you wan make we talk already dey ya mouth.”
    Please leave the boyfriend alone. Leave the side show alone. He has no respect for you.

  • Kimberly January 19, 2016 at 2:40 am

    I do not comment on post but I will tell you the truth. Disclaimer, I am not in anyway judging you neither am I trying to bring you down but I want you to see the fundamental issue in the case:-
    1) It is daunting that no one has talked about your lack of honesty and the fact that you did these things without thinking twice about how or whom your behavior is going to affect.
    1) You have blamed everyone for your bad behavior i.e the cause and effect of why you are doing what you are doing instead of taking responsibility for what you did do.
    Cause: You blamed your mother and family members for being on your case to get married.
    Your response:-You decided to get/date a guy.
    Outcome: You were in a committed relationship which no one forced you but yet slept with another man. You could have had the decency to let that guy go like break up with him…yes there’s something called breakup. THIS SHOWS you have zero integrity, honesty, and no self respect for yourself and others. I do not any woman or man that would date nor marry a person without integrity, honesty in their relationships. So I would not blame the guy for not wanting to be your next victim. Sorry I am pointing this out but think about it…..
    Remember-That man will be someone else’s father, boyfriend, husband. He need to let him go without no emotional trauma. Stop damaging people with your bad manipulative/deceitful behaviors. You need to proceed with honesty and transparency. The little thing that we gives deliverance. Please treat others the way you want to be treated.
    2) Sorry to hear your second guy did respond the way you want him to respond. Love is a tricky thing.

    I would suggest your really work on yourself. Leave this second guy alone, Again, you might not like this, but please try to work on being honest in your future relationship. Being honest and transparent will give you integrity, so much clarity and it will definitely, uncomplicated things for your in the future. May God give you all you need in life to feel complete as a person.

  • Bae January 19, 2016 at 7:54 am

    Leave trash for lawma

  • sibo January 19, 2016 at 8:17 am

    Sorry can’t help you. The ability to distinguish between right and wrong is supposed to be innate.

  • meelikey January 19, 2016 at 8:59 am

    Waste of MB,abeg where that kerosine bucket wey I soak my KOBOKO?

  • Leave trash for lawma January 19, 2016 at 2:11 pm

    Forget it, i have always said it. Girls like the bad guys. Be a good guy at your own detriment. When i was good, girls no dey listen to me, when i turn bad, dem dey look for me “upandan”, please free me. Y’all know yourself, stop sending me message again and calling me. Na one hit and move on, no dey ask for the D again

    2. All these silly feminist will not tell her she is wrong. You have a bf and you were sleeping with another on a constant basis. Per minute and Per second phucks? Later all these silly feminist will say only men cheat and are dogs. What are ladies? Dogs that dont get caught

    3.The boy has suffered. Imma pray for him tonight make your love spell on him be broken. Make him free from your captivity. Free him and let him go. You dont love him obviously that is why everything he does irritates you. When guys use you girls to keep the body warm you will be crying fire. The same way a guy uses a girl is the same way girls use a guy, as you have seen here.

    4. You were sleeping with both of them at the same time. Now he cant touch you again cos the other one has left? They were both touching you. All ye messengers of HIV/AIDS, abeg go another planet no infect us all

    5. He slept with a mutual friend who had slept with every of your mutual friend? Chai. You people are carriers of diseases, passing it round to yourselves.

    6. Conclusively, ladies cheat more than men, they don’t just get caught as much as the men are.

  • Addy January 19, 2016 at 4:29 pm

    @Yes, Please what has this your story got to do with the post above?? Its so out of point!!!!!

    Moral Lesson: Its A MADE UP STORY so please go and drink Bobo juice biko!!!!

  • Me January 19, 2016 at 8:24 pm

    My dear, when God’s wrath visits you, no one will teach you before you humble yourself and get on your knees.

  • jhennique January 19, 2016 at 8:25 pm

    LOOOOOOLLLLL! Im tired of humans. Dear young lady, what do you want in life?

  • stacee January 28, 2016 at 4:19 pm

    my dear. if yhu dnt love him give him to me then

  • oshea June 4, 2016 at 3:14 am

    how do i contact aunty bella

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