Connect with us

News

The X-Factor

Published

 on

Ok! Raise your hand if you are still close friends with an ex! OK…one, two, three, seven, eleven….nineteen…. Yup! Loads of you…sorry, US are still good friends with an ex or two. I may have taken mine to another level by working really hard to make sure that I remain friends with all my exes and I’m “happy” to say that I have achieved 99% success in this regard – there is the one ex that has dropped out of my radar; even in this age of social media she has remained incommunicado. Anyhow, this article does not focus on my failed relationships but rather on the influence that exes have in subsequent relationships.

In writing this I am aware of the argument that the idea that exes play a role in ongoing relationships might lie more with ex-girlfriends in the lives of guys; but I think it works the other way as well. Specifically I refer to cases where one reaches out to an ex for advice, counsel, comfort, companionship, etc even when one is in a new relationship. Here the boyfriend of girlfriend takes pains to keep from their current partner the fact that he or she is still reaching out to the ex. I find that this happens a lot, even in marriage. In marriage, the man still has access to his still single ex girlfriends but in the case of the married woman it is a lot harder for her to keep in touch with her still single ex boyfriends, except if the guy is married too. I think the explanation for this is that women tend to cut off contact with previous lovers when they move into a committed relationship. Men on the other hand are a lot less extreme in this regard. Another reason could be the variation in the definition of what constitutes cheating for men and women. Men generally see cheating as involving sex with someone other than your partner; while women see cheating as involving other things apart from just sex. Therefore, it would be easier for a guy to hook up with his ex for drinks, where they could catch up and chew the fat, than for a woman to do the same with her ex. The woman’s argument is that cheating can be emotional as well as physical. Guys aren’t exactly emotional creatures so they refuse to see sharing a problem with an ex as cheating. Truth is, a few of us find it easier to run to our exes when we have certain issues. These issues are problems that we are more comfortable discussing with our exes because we think that they are in a better position to help us. These issues could range from the mundane to the serious.

But why do we – men and women alike – still give a starring role to our exes in our lives? If they are that important or relevant why aren’t we still in a relationship with them? If we find it easy to call on them, why did we let them go in the first place? The reasons will vary. I find that the duration of the former relationship plays a role. The longer the relationship, the greater the tendency that the ex knows and understands us better than our current girl/boyfriends. Maybe the issues discussed are too sensitive to be discussed with the current squeeze. Sometimes the issues might have to do with our current partners especially when things are not going well. Inasmuch as talking about your current relationship and its problems with an ex is deemed wrong, or an act of betrayal, a number of people still do it! Maybe we do this in a bid to better understand our new partners since our exes are of the same sex and have the benefit of knowing us, and as such are in an excellent and somewhat objective position to help and advice. Or maybe we just need someone to complain and whine to.

What about just hanging out with an ex? Is that to be discouraged too? I do not know about you but I still enjoy the company of my exes, be it a face to face meeting or via phone calls, Facebook or chat messages. Truth is I believe in “once a girl/boyfriend, always a friend”. I try to make valuable friendships and relationships and as such my friends, including ex girlfriends are precious to me. For real, a few of my exes have bailed me out of bad situations before, offering life-saving advice and company. Some men (not sure about women though) go the seemingly insane extra mile of introducing their partners to their exes. Why? Let me hazard a guess and say that they are trying to make ex girlfriend a legitimate part of their lives; emphasis on “legitimate”. In all this one should learn to draw the line because it can be the easiest thing to cheat with an ex. After all, you know each other so well and have been there before. Hey, there have even been cases where exes hooked up again; realising each other’s value, after spending time with other people.

So I end this in making a case for the exes. If you guys still get along, no wahala as it doesn’t impugn on the progress of your current relationship. And er, before you say that I should practise what I preach, my partner is going to see a movie with her ex tomorrow! So there!

99 Comments

  1. Oyimi

    June 3, 2011 at 3:35 pm

    1st

  2. Damn!!

    June 3, 2011 at 3:38 pm

    Nice article… But I’m afraid once I’m through with you,I sure am.. An ex is an ‘EXample 0f the kinda rubbish i shouldn’t put up with in future!! Just 2 exes in my life but I rarely think of them…My fiance is my besty,my padi and a whole lot more..

    • fenty4eva

      June 3, 2011 at 4:48 pm

      nice one! i totally agree

    • Di

      June 3, 2011 at 10:44 pm

      Word! When couples breaks up,95% of the time,one of them still wants the relationship, so how can you confide in them about ur current one?
      That would be hurting them more & they could sabotage stuffs. I tried this twice with two of my only exs,one kept comparing & he was hurting badly, I had to let him be.

      The 2nd pretended to be ok with things & till he was close to raping me while we were being the so-called-friends! Then he bursted out a whole lot of stuffs he has been bottling up for 2yrs! Complaining of how I moved along & him still unable to maintain a relationship for more than 6mnths. I felt bad for him bcos he never treated me bad but I had to leave him bcos he was a really bad influence. So that friends with ex thing is risky, as some people can be opaque with their emotions.
      http://di5district.blogspot.com/

    • Hephzibah

      September 25, 2011 at 8:10 am

      U dont refer to an ex like that. What ever resulted to d break up is between the 2 of u. U weren’t meant to be. Its just that we get impatient waiting for the right man/woman, we want to experiment. If we really have respect for God n for ourselves we will put away selfish desires n find the right partner, do the right thing according to tradition n we all live happy without guilt or calling the other person rubbish or what so ever. So my brother dont talk that all u need is to forgive your past n move on. Who knows she might be of help to ur wife or children in the future. Dont look down on any body but be careful.

    • sweetie

      July 28, 2012 at 10:37 am

      i certainly agree with u. for all u know ur partner doesnt really like the idea of u hanging with ur ex and he/she maybe doing same jux because u are doing it. a guy hanging out with his ex-girlfriend might think it is jux hanging out with out knowing that the girl still has feeling for him and u may not know but she may try to do anything possible to get him back and example is making the excuse of wanting to talk to him about certain issues, and then the crying starts and the guy would feel the need to console her thinking its jux on a platonic basis…..my believe if that one should not put themselves in a compromising situation. its normally difficult to get out of.

  3. chewunski

    June 3, 2011 at 3:40 pm

    well been friends with your ex depends on the circumstance you parted ways ……………’m friends with my 1st Boyfriend (friends with benefit anywayz not sexually sha)

  4. deedee

    June 3, 2011 at 3:46 pm

    i totally disagree!!!

    • Senorita

      June 3, 2011 at 4:05 pm

      Me 2.

    • Miss Face

      June 3, 2011 at 8:51 pm

      Totally, with a capital T! So wrong. Just plain wrong!

    • fyn chickala

      June 4, 2011 at 1:10 am

      Yes o!

  5. deedee

    June 3, 2011 at 3:47 pm

    meanwhile, 1st to comment…..yay! lol………….

    • pweety

      June 3, 2011 at 3:58 pm

      sry to burst ur bubble, ur not :p

    • Someone

      June 3, 2011 at 4:00 pm

      check again to confirm if you are truly first.

    • BubblyBliss

      June 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

      Not quite.

    • Senorita

      June 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm

      where? lol!!!

    • dingdong

      June 3, 2011 at 8:42 pm

      is dt y we are here?

    • missy

      June 5, 2011 at 5:14 pm

      lol eeyah try harder next time 🙂

  6. Sylvia Igwe

    June 3, 2011 at 4:02 pm

    this is rubbish.hanging around ur ex is a sure way of going backward instead of forward and am really a forward ever kinda gal.

  7. carleasing

    June 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    Being a friend to your ex depends on the two ‘ex-es’ and the current partners involved. As far as I am concerned, there is nothing bad in it; in as much as you guys avoid too much privacy. I believe so much in opening up to my current partner about my ex… I’ve got no problem with this – my is my ex, no going back!

    I would rather disagree with the point where the writer said

    “Some men (not sure about women though) go the seemingly insane extra mile of introducing their partners to their exes. Why? Let me hazard a guess and say that they are trying to make ex girlfriend a legitimate part of their lives; emphasis on “legitimate” ”

    I totally disagree. I would so much appreciate my current partner to introduce his/her partner to me. This, I believe, could build a confidence in me that my partner is sincere (though no true at all times). I even love it when my partner discusses his/her feelings for opposite sex (ex or new person). It makes me understand him/her better and know what to do to help & keep my partner (weaknesses and strengths)

    • Dusty Rose

      July 6, 2011 at 4:55 pm

      Quite true. If Communication, Truth, Trust, Honesty & Sincerity are the pivot on which your current relationship stands, then keeping contact with ur exs and talking about him/her or them should be part of the meal on the table of your current relationship

  8. my day

    June 3, 2011 at 4:06 pm

    i am still friends with all two of my exes. The problem is even with the guys. The current guy at any particular time always goes paranoid when i contact an ex. They don’t care what you are calling them for. The conclusion is that you are not over them yet, and are looking for a way to go back to them. That is why it seems women are more capable of closing the chapter on their former partners than men. They just dont want the hassle of convincing their current partners about the innocence of that phone call, text message or visit all the time.

  9. Bella

    June 3, 2011 at 4:07 pm

    I say nay to that!!
    If I’m the current girlfriend I won’t find that funny at all.

  10. Zina

    June 3, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    There’s no point dating a person if you can’t stay friendly with them, doesn’t necessarily mean you should stay ‘friends’ with them. My ex’s are amazing people, I can talk to or see once in a blue moon. But if I was really invested in a relationship with them, then I try to keep them at a distance when we break up. Not because I worry about starting to feel things for them again, but because my boyfriend now is my best friend, and if the roles were reversed I wouldn’t be too comfortable with them always buzzing around him, so I don’t want to give him anything to worry about. Plus just because you don’t have feelings for them doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings for you still, and you want to be careful not to lead them on.

  11. teebee

    June 3, 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Why see an ex? Why go back and forth like a dog to its vomit…in the first place why did you guys break up.?
    You are just rationalising nonsense…in fact you are putting your current relationship in jeopardy by keeping contact with an ex….hmmm SMDH!!

  12. peejay

    June 3, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    I love this article! I am friends with my ex boyfriends and I am glad to be friends with both of them. Couldnt have asked for better friends sef….

  13. Sandra

    June 3, 2011 at 4:29 pm

    Its easy for you to say because you probably have never had a girlfriend who decided to have * casual drinks after work, to just catch-up* with two different ex-boyfriends in the same month things started to get shaky between both of you. I think you may be playing devils advocate here.

    Most people I know did not become ex’s on friendly terms. People were hurt, or people just didn’t get along. Its easy to take a short-term perspective about being friends with ex’s, but I doubt it is healthy for anyone. If the ex is friends with both you and your new partner and the relationship is brand new and you even sometimes forget you dated the person in the past, then it makes more sense. But if its a one-to-one relationship, I dont support that.

  14. Nne Somebody

    June 3, 2011 at 4:30 pm

    TJ, I must respectfully disagree. As someone else has mentioned, depends on what note you parted on. Also, exes are lethal because they know you so well. It’s quite easy to fall into an “in-between” place with an ex because they are familiar and you were attracted to them at some point – probably still are. I have exes that I would run before I let myself be alone with. Call me a coward but it’s better to run than to find out the hard way that Okafor’s law number … (I forget which number) is real.

  15. Chocho

    June 3, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    As long as I didn’t part with the ex in a harsh manner that means me not speaking with him, I still am friends with him, and if by speaking to him only when he calls or when I see him means we are r friends, so be it!!! Its pointless acting funny when you see an ex as far as am concerned. Be proud to show him that you moved on and you are fending way better than when you were with him and if being friends with him does the trick, by all means keep in contact!! Lol!!!

    • Osman

      June 8, 2011 at 2:14 pm

      @ Chocho, Na true .

  16. Tyna

    June 3, 2011 at 5:03 pm

    Nice…

    On point with the fact that cheating ain’t just about sex (in a woman’s head at least), sharing your life with someone other than your mate is what constitutes real infidelity! The majority of “friendships” with ‘ex’s just become friendships with ‘benefits’ (and that’s usually the whole way!) so really, what’s the point? I think if your present r/ship s truly valuable, you’d keep away! Can do the occasional check up, but that’s about all it should be.
    … Don’t meddle with my ex, cos my mum taught me to give my old toys out!! 🙂

  17. MumyZee

    June 3, 2011 at 5:26 pm

    why is he or she an EX in d !st place???ABEGABEGABEG

  18. Indomie

    June 3, 2011 at 5:35 pm

    I agree with the post that says it depends on the reason you parted ways. There are some exes that I wouldn’t even sleep with if they were the last men on earth, so I can be friends with them any day (but i am not). There there is the one that is just a no-go area for self preservation. When I tested the waters to see if we could be friends, we hooked up and i was back to square one like a chicken caught in the rain (with her pants down)….

    I think ex’s are a security blanket that should be let go as soon as you can emotionally handle it.

  19. iJustcant

    June 3, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Great article TJ, you just strengthened my resolve that I will not condone (yes I said condone, couldn’t find a softer word lol) any man of mine having a certain relationship with an ex.

    Discussing our relationship with his ex? Are men truly naive or they just turn a blind eye to the fact that your ex could still hold a flame for you. Telling him/her your current’s weakness is a bit disrespectful in my opinion. If you want advice talk to a female family member or elder counsel.

    -I find that men are not tolerant to a woman keeping in contact with their exes. That is major reason why a woman cuts off her exes. However, a woman will stay friends with an ex if the breakup was mutual. If it involved cheating, there is little luck of maintaining a friendship.

    Love your articles TJ, whether I agree or disagree they are always very informative.

  20. Chibaby

    June 3, 2011 at 6:23 pm

    Sorry, me no agree. If my man ever introduce me to any of his ex because he is trying to make her legit part of our lives. He will not be happy with what I will do next. To me, your signle ex should not be part of our lives. If she is married, she and her hubby are welcomed. My man has no business with his single ex girlfriends period. No wont do or tolerate it. Total nonsense. Doing that is lighting a match and waiting for the kerosen to pour. We should be moving forward, not backward. My brah wey right article, when you get married, loose all your ex unless they are married. Men who cheat by accident, will tell you that it all started when they were having problems at home and ran to some other woman who was more understanding and shed light to their situation. Before you know, they were enjoying her shedding light to their situation all the way into their draws. So yeah, exes are out once you are married.

  21. FAITH

    June 3, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    can neva be friends with my my ex in dis life time again….because i kept d friendship bw two of my ex-boyfriends i went back to dem different occasions n does were d greatest mistakes of my life….wen d relationship is ova each person shuld just go dia way….period…dont be enemies but all plesantries shuld end in hello hi…..

  22. Temi

    June 3, 2011 at 7:18 pm

    I’m not sure I’m gonna be comfortable with the idea of my partner hanging out with his ex. Okay scratch. I would absolutely HATE it! I don’t believe in all those she’s my friend or even worse, best friend, nonsense. I believe we should all move on!

    You can say hi once in a while but to go and see a movie together alone?!!! Lailai. I dont think so. Unless its a double date. Let’s be real abeg!

  23. Nubiangem

    June 3, 2011 at 7:24 pm

    Hmmmm….all these ones,na una story.All of una wey dey here dey talk…i’m hooking up with my ex for whatever reasons,make una carry go.In Warri,there’s a saying that”old firewood na im dey catch pass”.Before i’m crucified,I’m not saying that you should become enemies,buh really,deep down…who are u kidding.He/she is an ex for a purpose,and i’m not talking about the 0.1% of relationships that had to end for really serious reasons.As for me ooooh,my fiance should not even try and even attempt to be doing ‘best friend’ things with an ex.Some girls are heevil!

    My 3 naira 25kobo!

  24. Pefect Events

    June 3, 2011 at 7:35 pm

    this is pure nonsense. i dont care why you parted ways in good or bad. what business do you as a married man or woman or someone in a serious relationship still have with your ex? seriously do you have a business, a child??? because if you don’t what is the need to be friends….when you have replaced them….and to introduce your wife/hubby to your ex, i dont care if she or he is married or not, why the hell would i want to be friends with your ex….this is pure nonsense, if you break up with someone it is over….sorry, no hard feelings, send me the occasional christmas card, invite me to your wedding, child’s christening…but no we will not be hanging out and having drinks and giggling on the phone…i have a new best friend now…
    and for all those who are wondering, no i am not a jealous or angry person…i have never had a bad breakup but i see no reason to be friends with my exes…they are not my facebook friends and i dont have their phone numbers…if there is an emergency i know how to find them…

    • ijay

      June 6, 2011 at 10:14 pm

      We share the same ideas. So to point.

  25. The-Hot-Ex

    June 3, 2011 at 7:43 pm

    Lovely write-up TJ! Speaking to Ex’s, the case of the Ex? Tried and tested! I started speaking to two of my VERY HOT ex’s, one of them, I fell for all over again. This was despite the fact that I initially dumped him and was TOTALLY OVER HIM! We even lost contact, (He introduced me to his girlfriend…) The other, fell for me BIG TIME and is to this day bugging my life. In both situations, I’m like WTF, I don’t need this, why did I allow myself to start speaking to these dudes again in the first place? Perhaps its because they understand me, and confide in me, conversation is always on point and they are a barrel of laughs? (So why did we break up? ) I do not go out of my way to see these guys, however… None of my friends get why I speak to them as apparently I’m damn HOT too! I guess every case is different, speak to who you want to speak to!!! N/B I am single and I do not agree with contacting an ex whilst in a relationship. I feel that is just a big no no! If you talk to an ex- whilst in a relationship even occasionally, ask yourself why? I am very resilient and always have options so, this is not a dangerous game for me… Talking to an ex is not for the faint hearted, so if you are going to do it, brace yourself as it could get messy!!

    • Chichi

      June 3, 2011 at 8:45 pm

      I ave a question for you guys….. How about you’re dating a bobo and he has an ex- girlfriend whom he loved very much (when they were in a relationship). But she is married now. Recently, they have reinitiated contact and they talk very often……it seems like they realllllly enjoy each other’s company. The ex-girlfriend lives in UK with her husband, while the guy (ie my boyfriend) lives in Nigeria. But anytime his ex-girlfriend visits Nigeria, they hang out a lot etc and whilst she is abroad, they chat A LOT via BB messenger, phone calls etc.

      Anyway, the only thing that makes me OKAY with the relationship is that she is happliy married….I must confess that if she wasnt married, I would be very wary because they seem veryyy close.

      In this type of scenario, is it okay for my boyfriend to be friends with his ex?
      http://www.chichiblogspot.com

    • iJustcant

      June 3, 2011 at 9:57 pm

      ChiChi, this is a tough one. It is easy to say your guy and this girl still share a bond. I would keep my eye on the both of them. If there is some pattern that makes you uncomfortable, gently discuss it with him. Did she break up with him? Was this a not so distant break up? It is also possible that your boo is not over the ex, this happens sometimes. You have to look at what is going on, be honest with yourself and make the decision that will make you happy. Married people have affairs so do not rest on the fact that she is married and the coast is clear. It could even be that she is enjoying the attention of another man and would not pursue anything further. Is her husband friends with your man? Are you privy to your conversations? Has he taken you out to go hang with her when she is in town? When she is in town, are his moods different towards you?

    • Bella71

      June 6, 2011 at 4:58 pm

      No, that is just a disaster waiting to happen. I am sure a part of you already knows

  26. Naveah

    June 3, 2011 at 8:58 pm

    Communication between the current partners is very important! And clear boundaries must be between when communicating with an ex as well. I am still cool with three of my exes, we might talk occasionally on FB or via text and send birthday well wishes but that’s about as far as it goes, my husband is privy to that information. I would never set up a date with an ex to catch on goes knows what without telling my hubby neither will I discuss my husband/marriage with an ex because it is disrespectful to my husband to do so. We can talk all day about the weather, mutual friends, career paths, current events etc but the personal stuff should be left for your partner or pastor or psychologist!

    My husband is in touch occasionally with exes and he shares those communications with me. The issue is when people start sharing their daily lives, issues, events and begin seeking advise from exes when they should be speaking with their current partners, that is where the lines begin to blur! I think it is a slippery slope when people begin to meet exes on the sly without their current partners knowledge, then things begin to be funny. Everything should be on the up and up, in the open with clear lines drawn. One must be careful because when you are reminscing you are not looking at the ugly things that caused you to break up, you pick up your rose colored lenses and take a pleasant trip down memory lane and the next minute you are waking up without your clothes and adding another ex to your list!

  27. oh so funny

    June 3, 2011 at 11:32 pm

    @Nne somebody…lol….i sooo rmbr dat Okafor’s Law: A gud f**k once f**ked can be re f**ked provided the f**ker and the f**kee both agree dat the f**k was a great f**k

  28. lily

    June 4, 2011 at 12:10 am

    LMAOOOOOO……i’m cracking up seriously cos this kinda happened to me. OK before u conclude my 1st bf and i broke up in bad terms and we didnt speak for over 5 years, so recently he connected back with me via chat. Long story short we started chatting and things got heated up we started blaming each other for our breakup . He told me he isn’t currently involved with anyone but there are possiblities that he might end up back with his “currently ex” (he was very open with me; infact, i even became a relationship counsellor to him….i wanted things to work out for him and his well “gf” or “currently ex” ). By the time i know it he started passing some advances to me. i just waived it and it didn’t bother me but at a long run am like DATS THE REASON WE BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE. He’s trying to work things out with his “gf” or “currently ex” and at the same time making advances towards me.
    So my dear people an ex SHOULD remain an ex cos there is always a reason why the relationship didn’t work out in the first place. Although there might be good memories about what happened between you two and maybe how the relastionship would have advanced into something different but, let them be an ex. It is good to be friends in terms of “hey! hi! how are you doing?! okay! bye!” kinda relationship but saying “oh my ex is like my bestfriend sorta relationship” i don’t think that’s the best idea.

    • EASYGOING

      June 9, 2011 at 10:50 pm

      LILY U ARE VERY RIGHT.AN EX SHOULD REMAIN EX

  29. Toriola

    June 4, 2011 at 1:47 am

    Being friends with exes sounds like grounds for betrayal and eventually infidelity. Like you rightly said, if a female is in a better place relationship wise, she will under no circumstance enterain her ex. Which means, if a female is entertaining an ex, then she is still very very much availalbe(in no meaningful relationship) and hoping something will materialize out of staying friends with her ex (a male). That said, while the guy is assuming no harm in being friends with his ex, the ex is busy hoping, misinterpreting signals, and possibly getting led on by the mere fact that the guy (her ex) values her thoughts, makes time for her, entertains her etc. This all together becomes a threat to the guy’s relationship, assuming he is in a committed relationship (he is the one who has something to lose right, not the single ex lurking around) and just like that…it becomes an eneven playing field for the chic who has no clue this is going on. Men and women are not wired to be friends without one getting hurt, which is usually the woman since women are the ones that read so deeply into every man’s move around them. Any responsible and respectable man will not be careless friends with his ex, unless his wife/significant other approves of it and vice versa. Even more so, any responsbible man/woman wil never ever disrespect his/her spouse by discussing her/him with an ex of all people. When in a relationship, it’s about both of you, not just you. No one should be engaging in alliances or affiliations that jeopardizes their relationship or that they are even reluctant to admit to their spouses. Learn to respect the person you are with or even better, don’t bother being with someone you don’t respect or can’t respect.

  30. FADAINI ADEKANMI

    June 4, 2011 at 3:01 am

    Nothing else than to be absolutely truthful to whoever we are hooking up with..

  31. El Bee

    June 4, 2011 at 3:39 am

    “Truth is, a few of us find it easier to run to our exes when we have certain issues. These issues are problems that we are more comfortable discussing with our exes because we think that they are in a better position to help us.”

    Really? TOTAL RUBBISH! Why did you break up in the first place then? Might as well get back together if you don’t feel that “comfortable” to talk to your current significant other.
    Forward ever. Backward never.

  32. ayo

    June 4, 2011 at 10:27 am

    Dis write up na nonsense 4rm ma point of view as. a man!no man shares in anyway a woman u values with anoda man! and I believe u r nt sayin the truth bout ur babe seein a movie with her ex somtym soon!u r jst fd babe!u no love am!

  33. beautifull

    June 4, 2011 at 1:14 pm

    Am I the only one that has three ex boyfriends?Everyone seems to have two.

  34. Linda

    June 4, 2011 at 1:41 pm

    HOW ABOUT IF THE EX IS MARRIED NNE????

  35. onyinye

    June 4, 2011 at 2:15 pm

    i don’t agree at all, some exes are a problem, when i met my fiance, my ex didnt know where to draw the line. When he saw I was with someone else, he embarked on a mission to get me back, he started sending stupid messages, i had to cut him off, not without a stern warning. on the other hand a guy has to be really liberal to feel comfortable with their woman hanging out with their ex, my fiance wont even hear that an ex called my phone

  36. lilian

    June 4, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    It depends on what made you and your exes part ways. Besides if my spouse married me as a virgin, it means i am not a wayward girl so having my exes has friends should not cause problem. Reasons to our splits could be as a result of either long distance, complex issues, age differences or ethnicity . Hence, if any of these had not occured we could have been together. However since we’ve been close and we pretty know each other well i guess we can still confide with each other.

  37. storm

    June 5, 2011 at 12:05 am

    please o anytime anyday exes are nothing but trouble if u allow them cos they have nothing to loose if they cause harm to ur relationship.iv always made that clear to my fiance and we try as much as possible not to allow that happen as by virtue of our work and where we stay we see our exes everyday.Mine still likes me for sure but thankfully he is married so i dnt need to tell him where to drw the line cos he does.exes are no good they dnt have to be ur enemies but i dnt advice u being friends with them either

  38. Sisi

    June 5, 2011 at 7:09 am

    Well written article but i would say that the writer is not really writing from the reality of most people!….If being friends with an ex worked why aren’t more people friends with their ex’s? I will tell you why…BECAUSE IT IS A BREEDING GROUND FOR INFIDELITY…

  39. Timma

    June 5, 2011 at 5:51 pm

    Well written article, food for thought, but for me my philosophy has always been and will always be “Foward ever backward never”. It takes time for me to make up my mind but once i do that’s it.

  40. uchechi

    June 5, 2011 at 6:12 pm

    I’m done, I’m done..I disembark and disengage..no hard feelings!

  41. teebee

    June 5, 2011 at 7:59 pm

    RUBBISH RUBBISH to be friends with an exwhat really is the definition of “just friends”?…..move on with your life and get over an ex!

  42. Xlady

    June 5, 2011 at 10:18 pm

    read the article….and as many of the comments as i could. well,i disagree too. too much underlying stuff…your babe is going to watch a movie with her Ex? they get to a romantic scene and both unconsciously remember their first kiss and…..?

  43. HELOVESME

    June 6, 2011 at 8:55 am

    TJ, the only reason why you would be cool with your partner going on a movie DATE with her ex is if the ex is now GAY! Ogbeni!!!!! Shine your eyes, i hope you are not one of those guys that think their woman cant cheat.

  44. VirtuousKelly

    June 6, 2011 at 9:05 am

    Personally I disagree…whether I disagree totally is what I’m not sure of. I’m kind of sitting on the fence.

    Personally I prefer not to keep any further contact with my Ex…reason being that I’m an emotional person and may be swayed by uncontrolled feelings to go back…spending time with him both face to face and on the phone may rekindle feelings on my part. This does not mean at present I am not over him.

    However there are people who are stronger than me (Emotionally I mean) who can handle it. This is all well and good as long as you know your limits. Don’t get too cosy because things people don’t plan often happens.

    I will not see an Ex and I will expect my partner not to see an ex…if per adventure we bump into an ex of his or mine that is different. It’s awkward but hey it wasn’t planned.

    My point is I guess it works for some and it doesn’t work for others….I personally will not advice it sha…

  45. Na wa o!

    June 6, 2011 at 10:47 am

    Na wa o! I find it funny that most of you commenting find it easy to run down ur exes. so all your exes are evil abi?Are they not human beings too? see this self righteous attitude will get you no where! If one has the maturity to have a perfectly good relationship with an ex, what is wrong with that? Y’all are just complaining cos you lack the needed maturity to handle such friendships! If you cant say you cant, and stop being cynical about those who can. Relationships arent just about the lovey dovey stuff, there should be a lot to learn from the person you are dating and if you break up, it doesn’t mean that that should be the end of the friendship na! That said I’d hate to be friends with some of y’all!

  46. GNV

    June 6, 2011 at 11:29 am

    ummm….
    I am friends with all my exes, doesn’t mean we are or can ever be intimate. We moved from being lovers to being friends the minute the relationship ended. Attraction is a thing of the mind really and once the relationship ends, its like a light switch has gone off. No matter how hard i try, i just cant be attracted to an ex, i just see all the reasons why we didn’t work. Since intimacy has been taken care of, friendship comes easily. There’s no fear that the ex can ruin my current relationship.

  47. Dee Mist

    June 6, 2011 at 11:51 am

    I agree with the writer to a large extent.
    One needs to be careful not to hurt the ex’s feelings.

  48. Xoba

    June 6, 2011 at 12:20 pm

    As for me, there are circumstances surrounding “BREAK UPS” occassionally not negatives. I had Exs who r not fit for being my life patner bt are very gud at giving advises nd being real friends. so why shld i let them go? provided they have no negative influence in my life and current relationship and they as well understand that i’ve moved on, they can still fill the vacum of friendship in my life.

  49. foolish talk

    June 6, 2011 at 2:09 pm

    i am NOT a fan of sequels. I made that mistake before and it only lead to my regret. sever ties and move on. years later maybe we can chat but i certainly dont know about drinks!! lets do our best to be at peace with eachother but NO need for friendship except you were my VERY good friend in the 1st place and we both agreed to cross the line. I empasize VERY!!
    HAVE A LOVELY DAY FOLKS 🙂

  50. robyn

    June 6, 2011 at 3:43 pm

    Am currently friends wit benefits wit my ex and its a terrible feeling.I feel like am being used coz he’s not in any relationship. at the same time I know am also using him coz am not in a serious relationship. exes are in the past for a reason and they should stay there.

  51. Bella71

    June 6, 2011 at 4:52 pm

    There is a reason an ex, is an ex…it means something happened which led to a break up…in the vent that two people break up and still have feelings for each other, it is not smart to get into relationships. However, if they are over each other, its time to move onnnn! You cannot “just be friends” with someone you shared intimate moments with…that’s a load of B.S.

    P.S- You REALLY shouldn’t have encouraged your chick to go to the movie….no offense, but what were you thinking?

  52. leona

    June 6, 2011 at 5:23 pm

    An EX …is an EX… married or single…. the danger is the same.. dont kid yourself.

  53. Wendy

    June 6, 2011 at 6:11 pm

    Well the degree of friendship you still have with your ex is also dependent on they way u guys parted.. if u caught him pants down with another babe/guy and he wasn’t even sorry about it, then obviously there wont be any room for the ‘so-called-friendship’ to thrive.. but if u parted maturely, no fights, just a little heartbreak n some kinda mutual understanding, then it is possible to still have some place for friendship with him/her -but not close friends…except you’re still in2 him /her.

  54. t-girl

    June 6, 2011 at 7:08 pm

    i’d rather not, thank u! i have an ex who dumped me for his other girlfriend in the US, do u want us to be chummy!!!!!

  55. LadyB

    June 6, 2011 at 10:08 pm

    I think people who seek relationships with exes generally do so to keep the door open and to maintain communication should they wish to go back! If your ex knows you so well, then why are they your ex?? Most exes will not even give you honest unbiaised advice. And the FB crew, why does your ex get to have access to your kids birthdays, wedding pics, etc? Ask yourself why you really need these relationships. They cannot possibly be healthy!

  56. crystal

    June 7, 2011 at 9:47 am

    nahhh!!!!!dts y he is now an ex.he is gone out of my lyf.4 me i i only speak 2 my ex wen am feeling sad and want 2 brew wahala btwn him and his girlfrnd.afterall he left me 4 ha.bt apart 4rm those tyms,i dont want 2 speak 2 him.dont get me wrong,am happier witout him,bt after dt relationship i changed and i feel dts wat has affected d way i view men in my further relationships.so i only talk 2 him wen i want 2 cause wahala,bcos wen she hears my name d wahala starts.
    @beautiful; i may av said further relationships,it cld b any number,a lady shldnt tell d number of guyz she has been involved wit,dt info is TOP SECRET 4 her alone!!!!!!so plz u av just 2 ex-bfoyfrnds,lol.bt 4 me communicatin wit an ex is a no noooooo

  57. ephee

    June 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

    i broke up with my ex- boyfriend of five years bcos of his involvement with another babe and it rely affected me so much i didnt get into a serious relationship for a long time and six months after i broke up with my ex he had to look for means to apologize cos i had relocates from my former residence so he dosnt even know where i live. i warned him to stop callin me and sending me txt which he was stobborn about meanwhile he is still with the babe but is wanting to hangout with me. truthfully speaking i and my ex went to watch a movie together recently(normally i go to the movies alone but on one of his usual calls, he asked where i was and i told him am at the cinema so he decided to drive down to join me). to me am free cos i am still my single self and i dont av the intention of going back to him coz he rely messed up big tym instead the babe might loose him due to distractions from his hanging out wit me constantly which is at his own risk and at the end of the day we all ar even. period!

  58. Amy

    June 7, 2011 at 11:47 am

    Shouldnt be in enmity with ur ex, but at d same time dont be close 2 dem. PPl do wat neva dreamt of doing. Be careful wit ex especially d married ones, so u dont cause dem pains in their present r/ship. Afterall if dey were good enough, why d break up in d 1st place.

  59. Amy

    June 7, 2011 at 11:54 am

    U dont hv 2 be in enmity wit ur exs, but at d same time shouldnt be close 2 dem either. Exs can cause u pains in ur current r/ship. Afterall if dey were good enough, why d break up in d 1st place. Stay away 4m exs, it doesnt make sense. Let ur present r/ship be d best if not, dey r not worth having den.

  60. ekundayo

    June 8, 2011 at 3:40 am

    A Yoruba proverb says ‘You don’t say ‘good morning’ at a place where you have already said ‘good night’. shikena!

  61. Kay

    June 8, 2011 at 10:49 am

    @ oh so funny…lol. The past should remain in the past

  62. Ulo

    June 8, 2011 at 4:25 pm

    LOL! the last line of this write-up explains the whole thing. The guy is pretending not to be fretting about his girlfriend going for movies with an ex-lol!!! Tryna justify it or talk yourself into seeing it as a “not potentially dangerous situation” does not help you. Ex-es are dangerous!

  63. yomie

    June 9, 2011 at 12:25 pm

    ex syndrome cld be a difficult one,but its nt all dt bad to b frnds wit an ex.but it also gives room for comparism which isnt healthy for the new one…….but am still frnds to my ex.

  64. BrownSugah

    June 10, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    Ohhhhhhh Please!!! What are you hooking up with an ex for? To the extent of seeing a movie together, sharing drinks. Y did u guys break up in the first place if u are so into each other. Its a a No No my dear and i totally disagree no matter what anyone else has to say. I’m not saying you should be enemies, you could always exchange pleasantries, send birthday messages on facebook if u are. But no unecessary spending of time together. If i may ask, what is the bonding for? A mistake that shouldn’t be considered. A man and a woman can never really be just friends especially if they’ve shared something together previously….
    Much said……I’M OUTTA HERE……

  65. olaniyi

    June 11, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Nice article but, I disagree with everything. Why hook up and share information about ur current relationship with ur ex, why didnt he/she stay with u, why didn’t he/she take u for who u are and not brake up with u. I believe to have a successful relationship, u need to keep away from all ur exes, its not healthy. Reason is because ur ex might not tell u but the truth is ur ex might not tell u but he/she still want u back and will find a way to destroy ur current relationship. The moment I find out my gf/finance/wife is still talking to her ex, thats the day we part our way unless she agrees to stop all communication with him. And why discuss about ur issue with ur ex if u can’t discus it with ur bf/gf , fiance , wife/husband. I believe relationship is meant to be btw 2 people so they can discuss anything and hiding nothing from each other. The only way u can let ur partner talk to their ex is only if u not 100% committed to the relationship. Once again I 100% disagree with this article.

  66. NUR

    June 12, 2011 at 4:38 pm

    Nice article…can see where you’re coming from. however, i think it’s only possible to be friends with an ex depending on why the relationship ended in the first place, e.g with an ex who cheated on you. it’s best to just keep the past where it belongs…IN THE PAST!

  67. O ga oh

    June 14, 2011 at 10:11 pm

    My thoughts exactly Robyn!

  68. anonymous

    June 16, 2011 at 8:19 pm

    Being friends with an ex is simply allowing room for something to come back out of it. We always want to think oh thats not the case, “we are over each other,” “omg why would you say he/she doesn’t like me we are just friends” blah blah blah….. Yes some couples may not see anything wrong with their lovers being friends with their ex and if it works for them that is great but common lets be real. WHY DO YOU NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH SOMEONE YOU DATED? Chances are it was a very emotional relationship, very physical. Having that person around I don’t care how over he/she you are you will always be put in a situation where the present lover acts up and because the ex is still a part of your life you will compare. People need to understand that you don’t have to burn bridges with people its called respecting each other and being cordial. We speak when we see #shikena. Why should my ex who I invested months maybe years of my life call me to ask me to hangout when I’m in a new relationship? why do I need to meet a present boyfriend’s ex? to see what he moved up from or give myself grief about what could have gone wrong with such a lovely woman? I mean common we don’t need to open the door for stupidity. When someone is your ex let them remain your ex. keeping them around as a friend will and i mean WILL 9 out of 10 times have one of you thinking maybe just maybe something can still happen. IT IS A BAD IDEA.

  69. seun

    June 20, 2011 at 4:31 pm

    its extremely annoying when i find chat of my now ex gf wit her exes…there had been emotions before!!! who says it cant grow again….if he or she is your ex,stay away from dem!!! OR ELSE..U MYT GET CAUGHT UP Between series of feelings and emotions!!! MOST GALS DONT KINOW WT DEY WANT DOU….so,its beta u make up ur mind about the guy before going intio anoda relationship….

  70. festacboi

    June 22, 2011 at 8:53 am

    seems to be so eazy for ppl to throw away the bath water without putting in consideration of the fact that the baby’s still in it! Most ppl emphasise on ‘the reason for breakup’ while other factors like ‘the reason the relationship started’ and ‘the role played in the person’s life during the relationship’ did not even make it into their thoughts………….. funny! Some break-ups were due to serious issues, but i could also assure most o’ tha’ skeptics that most that i know were for delinquent reasons like immaturity, ‘testing the grounds’, mood-swings with the break-upper. I dont see why the positives cant be looked @! 10x 4 ur audience.

  71. MissL

    June 27, 2011 at 4:05 pm

    The ‘ex-factor’, very tricky territory. I like to end relationships on good terms if possible after all it is really shouldn’t be a ‘war zone’ (others may beg to differ). As many have said before me, sometimes relationships work and sometimes they don’t. As we mature though some of the things that seemed so momentous are no longer such ‘earth shattering’ events, we become more tolerant and understanding of other peoples personalities and faults. We are not perfect ourselves are we? Bottom line for me though is I try to keep a ‘respectful’ distance from my married exs’ because I don’t want to create problems between them and their spouses. It’s just not worth it. And if your ex is not willing to introduce you to his wife and children then obviously he wants to use you as an emotional blanket. And what do you gain from that? Are you a shrink? Do you really want to be sucked down the rabbit hole of someone else’s life?

  72. lauretta

    July 4, 2011 at 6:36 pm

    not every relationship has a bad ending. One of my Exs and I ended the relationship because we realized that we were better off as friends than lovers. We had a very strong friendship but unfortunately it did not translate into the chemistry between a man and a woman in the bedroom. Today he is still one of my very good friends. And Yes, I do turn to him for advice when dealing with my current bf.
    There was no hate, no animousity, no wrong doing in our parting. So why should i want to sever such ties?

  73. Praise

    July 5, 2011 at 3:39 pm

    Truly some Exes are not to be easily forgotten. Though not together anymore, there are attributes that make them real men. That Incompatibility could not keep you together does not write off their wonderful attributes. As much as it lieth with you, live peaceably with ALL MEN and still be in control of your emotions.

  74. Tweety

    July 5, 2011 at 6:13 pm

    Well, my Ex left me and got married to another lady without telling me till i got to find out myself, even borrowed money frm me to plan his wedding, can u imagine? are u also suggesting i shld be frnds with him? Now, i’m in a relatnship, he’s my besty, my confidante and i can cll him anytime to share anyfin wiv him, I say NO to being frnds with an Ex… Totally wrong!!!

  75. Purpleicious Babe

    August 4, 2011 at 1:35 am

    I am still in contact with my 1st serious ex bf. I would say we are close acquaintances we talk every now then about life, family etc. We are cool, I am very sure both of us have moved on nicely.

    I think its makes sense to be friends with ur ex most esp if u 2 were friends during the relationship.However, I can only be friends with an ex based on how we ended the whole thing. Cos I think that d ending plays a major role.. Sha, as long as I know no funny stuff is going on and am not talking to him every single day, then am fine. All the same, its depends on u and ur values..

    Having said that I doubt I want to be linking up with my hubby ex and do drink up….well who knows… sha.time will tell..

  76. twamz

    September 5, 2011 at 12:46 pm

    i totally agree with you. im very much guilty of keeping my ex as my friend. well its quite difficult to let go especially when he was the first guy i fell in love with

  77. eve

    September 15, 2011 at 1:05 pm

    its cool to have an ex has a friend but you should know your limit. am married but i say am falling for my ex again cos we still talk on fon, picks me up for lunch sometimes, which i know is wrong but my husband is cool with that. no p. but give a gap

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa
Sign up on Netflix
Advertisement

Star Features

css.php