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BN Hot Topic: Daddy! Take It Or Leave It, He’s The One I’m Going To Marry

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Under Nigerian customary law, a marriage is deemed valid when a bride price has been paid or gifts in lieu of cash are exchanged. However, this is only after parental consent has been obtained. It is said that a valid Nigerian marriage is a fusion/morphing of not just two people who want so spend their lives together, but instead two families brought together by the intent of two people. So essentially to a large extent parental consent is very important. However, we find sometimes that some parents just say “NO” and when you ask them what they have against the union they cannot answer you with conviction.

I understand where parents withhold consent based on religious or cultural differences (not that I agree with them) but I understand where they are probably coming from. They probably are basing their decisions on factors that are real to them or experiences they have lived through.  However, what I don’t understand is where the parent says stuff like “I just don’t like him. He has shifty eyes and you can’t marry him”

My friend Rakiya shared an experience with me recently on how her father said she couldn’t marry her boyfriend Victor in 2007 because he was too light skinned and people with overly light skin tend to be promiscuous. It was ludicrous. She assumed it was a joke until her mother told her in confidence that Daddy was serious about it and he even said he did not want to see Victor in their house.  Rakiya had dated Victor through her university days and he had been the complete gentleman and he made her happy. Victor was the man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with, he was the one who made her eyes brighten up with laughter.She was more hurt than angry at her father because he was being completely unreasonable.  He didn’t have the ‘usual’ complaints of  “he’s not a moslem”, “he’s Igbo”/”no he’s not Igbo he’s from Sabongida Ora in Edo state”/ “he’s still Igbo! Anywhere after Ore is ‘Igbo'”.
But Rakiya’s dad’s problem with Victor went beyond the basic ‘home-video’ issues… He simply did not like him and for a generally soft spoken man, he was adamant on this Victor issue.

It made me wonder about the issue of the importance of parental consent with regards relationships and marriages. What exactly is the test of reasonableness for the withholding of consent. If you feel your parents are being unreasonable will you go ahead and marry the man of your dreams or do as your parents say and break off the relationship?

Photo Credits: Madamenoire

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

152 Comments

  1. TobechiD

    May 24, 2012 at 2:04 pm

    The voice of the elders are the voice of reason, it has been said.
    But weigh the voice and your decision- the final decision should come from you. You will leave with the consequences of your decision.
    If your parent is one who “carries” culture, then you’d be careful to be very objective about the whole situation because all such a parent wants to do, is to look good among tribes people.

  2. Chi-ka

    May 24, 2012 at 2:05 pm

    BN, who told you what I’m going through o? I personally would love to read people’s responses to this because I have the same issue. My parents say no because my man is Yoruba and I’m Ibo. Oya o, BN readers start talking o. What would you do?

    • Gilly

      May 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

      You need to start praying. And seriously too. My husband is Igbo, and I am Igbo and didn’t stop my dad from trying to put a spanner in the works :). When he came knocking my father was not best pleased. He didn’t care if he was a Chem Engineer with all manners of qualification. His excuse was, he felt that I would be marrying down, and he wasn’t sure if he could keep me in the life style I was accustomed too. Like what kind of lifestyle I wonder. Jeez. Thankfully because my Husband is Igbo and he understood the traditions of how to gently collect the rose.. I think.. or rather my inlaws really loved me (I really thank God for that favour – or else ..) his Father knew how important I was, he started interceeding for us. My father would insult them when they came visiting by bragging about my many qualifications and yader yader. How I came top in this university, story story, one after another. He persistently sent scouts to check if they had atleast a three story building on their compound – My dad is a funny man. After much prayers, and my husbands people quietly taking the insults, they finally were able to agree on a day and it was done. Since then My Father could not be any happier. He feels that I won the Jackpot and is so happy with His son in law and his new in laws. They are now good friends, and my husband’s dad speaks to my dad on a regular basis. Who would have thought. God made it possible. My Inlaws are born again Christians and very prayerful. I really thank God for having them, and what they just so I can marry my sweetheart. God will continue to bless them for me. It may be a difficult process, but prayerfully speak with your parents. If it is the Will of God, they will give way. One way or the other.

    • lilly

      May 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm

      kai!! gilly nwa nne m oo true talk. once God has approved ur marriage with
      ‘ur soon to be husband” NO one NOT even our parents have the say. Yes it’s good to listen to them and hear their reasoning. I remember when my mom will say “if u bring home an mbaise man to marry him she will castrate him and blah blah blah..” at times i wonder y when they say e.g anambra and imo or abia or whatever don’t have good marriages..the wives/ or husbands are this and that….LIKE SERIOUSLY? Gosh! My dears d only way out of all these madness is just to pray about it. yes is good to listen to our parents BUT the voice you should be listening to more carefully is God because He doesn’t make any mistakes. CHOW!! 🙂

    • herroyalsexiness

      May 25, 2012 at 9:28 am

      Hmnnnnn…..ur story is so inspiring….and u sound very happy. I’m facing the same challenge from my dad and like your in-laws, my prospective in-laws are the best ever. but to b honest, its getting really tiring and i’m just trusting God cos my dad is so adamant. prayer sef has tired me i wont lie. but hey, we can only hope. moreso, my fiancee is much older than me and he doesnt seem to have much time like me…..IT IS WELL!

    • iOmogekofo

      June 29, 2012 at 5:55 am

      BN, pls put the “back to the top stuff on ur website”. Its tiring sliding ur bberry or phone all d way up wen u get tired of reading d long comments and u have sumtin u skipped in d beginning which u want 2 get back to…..#justsaaying

    • amara

      May 25, 2012 at 1:39 am

      you waited till the last minute to tell them who your dating and where he is from and you expect us to have pity on you next you will run away with him and marry in secret or even get belle, i only pity parents that give birth to children that bring pain to them instead of happiness.

    • pretty me

      May 25, 2012 at 11:25 am

      not all parents want to kno whom u r dating.dey want to kno hu u want to marry.cos how many boyfriends do u want to bring home for dem to see bfore u eventually bring ur husband.

    • keke

      June 28, 2012 at 1:41 pm

      that was a mean thing to say

      1
  3. bonita

    May 24, 2012 at 2:15 pm

    its good to listen to one’s parents cos they know best but if their reasons are flimsy and u really love the guy and he loves you too then i suggest u go ahead. well thats what i will do if i find myself in that situation.

  4. cynthia

    May 24, 2012 at 2:19 pm

    my best advice for pple is that if u want to do something do it because u want to not becos ur parent want u to or what pple around u will think becos any mistake u make in life u are the person that is gonna suffer for it not ur parent or close friends instead they will be they pple that will get tired of ur complain and u are they only person that knows what u want in lives.

    1
  5. kem

    May 24, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    sometimes its not just about where he or she is from, the mind dont agree and they cant place it so they tend to use obvious factor….well for me parental consent is important because no parent will want to wish his or her own child bad rather both parties should pray than shove it aside….let me give an instance, my cousin had wanted to get married to these guy like that, the dad gave flimsy reason that he was too huge for his daughter even though the guy was based in the UK and all, rather he had preferred another guy, do you know after two years of marriage we got to find out that the man was already married with his wife in abroad and wanted a baby mama(too bad huh) so sometimes you cant just say. as God may have it, she had no kid for him for that 2 years and rumours where already going round that she probably couldnt give birth, but the father made sure the marriage was dissolved before his death and eventually she got married to another and better man(unfortunately my uncle didnt witness d marriage but had blessed and approved it) and today she is happily married with a baby boy who is almost one year of age…so that how God works….i believe consent is important so at the early stage bring whoever you are dating home before the love waxed too strong to be stubborn….all the best

  6. Evilicious

    May 24, 2012 at 2:30 pm

    You never know what God is trying to save u from. Your parents might give u a flimsy excuse, but in the long run you will see what they were trying to protect you from. You also have to have a relationship with God and ask Him of His opinion, it helps a lot. In that way your judgement won’t be clouded.

  7. Nike

    May 24, 2012 at 2:34 pm

    Ladies, the bible says “honour your father and mother, so that your days can be long”. God will not bless a marriage that does not have parental blessing first and foremost. I suggest verifying this with you religious shepherds but ignoring your parents is not a good idea, especially when it comes to marriage. I have seen people make this same mistake over and over again and not one good story out of the whole bunch. Maybe you need to stop and ask yourself if he truly is the right man. When the right one comes along, you and everyone else who loves you will know. My experiences are speaking

    • ij

      May 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm

      yes and I’ve seen a situation where the father adamantly refused my friend’s now husband of 10yrs in fact he threatened to disown my friend and didn’t even attend the court wedding.
      Guess who went to pick the man up from the airport the first time he came to the UK for holiday , whose house did the man stay in for 3 good months, whose food did he eat while he was in the UK , who took him for check up and paid for the tests, who has been taking care of the daughter for the past 10years ? the so called wrong choice , parents get it wrong sometimes .

      1
    • NakedSha

      May 24, 2012 at 5:24 pm

      [Some]times, unfortunately, they do. Sometimes, the old man sitting beneath the iroko tree sees nothing but its bark while the young child standing on top of it sees ahead, beyond the clear, blue sky.

  8. kem

    May 24, 2012 at 2:37 pm

    and to conclude it all, the basic which my dad look out for, is a man who can love and take care of his daughter, and as a man who is loving and caring as he his, i believe he will know when he sees such attribute in a man……so think it through before making a decision sometimes it goes beyond how it appears, WISDOM#

  9. PersonalShopper

    May 24, 2012 at 2:40 pm

  10. MAURIN

    May 24, 2012 at 2:45 pm

    they must give me a concrete reason for not marrying d guy, not flimsy excuses….
    if their reasons are good enof den i can reason with dem.

  11. Atukpa

    May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Ushers story is a current example of “listen to your ma”. That Gold digger is showing him pepper now.
    I am set and stubborn in my ways, i was raised to express myself and form an opinion on my own. But i honestly do not think i would be married to my husband if my folks did not approve. My parents are people who if you say you want to be a plumber…. They’ll go great ” just make sure you are the best plumber that ever was”. So for them to say NO…. ahhhh i better heed.

  12. Frida

    May 24, 2012 at 2:51 pm

    Parents always know. They warned me I did not listen. Well, let’s just say I”m dealing with the repercussions of not listening. But I’m thankful that they never said/say ‘we told you so’.

  13. kem

    May 24, 2012 at 2:55 pm

    @personnalshopper, several times, i asked u how can one get stuff on ur blog, no response ohhhhh, nice stuffs i see anyway!

  14. nkay

    May 24, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    YES I agree with hounouring ur father and mother, and getting their consent before you get married, remember parents r still humans and dey can be selfish at times…if d couples r christians i advise from d christian perspective dat dey both involve deir pastor or whoever can convince and influence their parents into changing deir minds so that dere wud b a happy home
    remember that convincing parents may take sometime mayb yrs sef, and it wud require d couple to work together in love and humility towards ur parents. sometimes your parents may do dat just to see how much u love the guy.
    one thing i am sure is that Love neva fails 1 corinth 13:8. if u both stick togeda long enuf inspite of all ur parents may put u thru, dey will eventually let u get married to him.
    Afterall if dey cant beat u , dey will join u.
    (talking from experience)

  15. Tops!

    May 24, 2012 at 3:03 pm

    Men see what women dont in a man…its a thing you just cannot explain. If you are dating a guy and your dad or uncle or brothers or even male cousins tell you they just dont “flow” with the guy or feel funny about him, chances are there is stuff you dont know about ….but they wont want to disclose for fear of hurting your feelings. My experience….

  16. Amanda

    May 24, 2012 at 3:11 pm

    If the reasons they are giving you about breaking off the relationship is not something ungodly then I would say get married. I don’t care what tradition or culture says.

  17. Nma

    May 24, 2012 at 3:21 pm

    Bella pls Post this one instead.

    ^^God will not bless a marriage that does not have a parental consent? Really? What scripture is that please? As for the scripture that u quoted which says to honor ur mother and father; So what if ur parents wanted u to leave Christianity and become a native doctor nko? pls dont tell me that one doesnt apply. The Bible wasn’t specific but we all know that God is basing that scripture on following parents’ instructions that go along with the word of God…not selfish, non-Biblical instructions. I know people who’s parents didnt consent their union and they are just as blessed and happy! Sometimes our (esp Naija parents) tend to wanna selfishly (with good intentions) choose our partners for us. I mean, how does their igbo daughter marrying a non-igbo man determine their unhappiness? I know many people that married intra-tribally with their parents’ consents that aren’t happy, and vice-versa….so at the end of the day, its really up to YOU.

    My friend is living in HORROR right now cos her family made her leave the love of her life who isnt igbo and not so rich…and made her marry a “rich” igbo man…. She is practically a spokes-person for following ur heart and never that of ur family because at the end of the day u and the spouse will live together and go thru the good/bad together ALONE! People will only come to ur wedding, chop rice and bounce.

    I noticed the writer said she understands where parents are coming from when they disagree with cultural differences? Really? Will having similar cultures make u happy and ensure compatibility? Cos at end of the day those matter the most. In addition to that, if u pray about it, and God consents it, but ur parents don’t because of some flimsy reason about the man’s culture and what village he comes from, or some ridiculous superficial reason like ur friend’s case…are u supposed to leave something so hard to find to satisfy their selfish wishes? I say selfish because some of us (esp those who grew up abroad) may not exactly care much about marrying someone from our village!

    Igbo people are VERY notorious of this rubbish….especially Imo State (my state). They want their chidren to not only marry someone from their state, but also from particular villages….and on top of that u can’t marry certain kind of people in those same villages (eg so-called osu, oru, ohu etc). What a load of crap! Stupid ass man-made crap! All those people that married “on point” in their opinion, how happy are they?!

    Sometimes, we ask God for the best of the best, and when God brings them (who may not be from our culture), we dont even realize our heart desire if right before us cos we are doing the work ourselves, and not letting God who doesn’t determine our perfect partner according to stupid cultural differences. Moreover, unless u see urself raising ur family in ur village, would u really sacrifice and settle with someone of similar culture in lieu of having true happiness? As for me, i shan’t o! My happiness is my priority. Gbam. I have learned from others’ around me, and i know for sure that choosing a life partner is something an individual must do for themselves because u know what suits u best more than anyone. If ur parents love u, they should be reasonable enough to give u their blessings. But some parents annoy me like mad when they make up frivolous selfish, ridiculous reasons. I pity those that succumb to this in lieu of true happiness….I just can’t imagine being a victim to this bull-effry!

    • Chi-ka

      May 24, 2012 at 3:31 pm

      Nma, God bless you like never before for this your comment! #thatisall 🙂

    • Amanda

      May 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm

      You just hit the nail on the head.

    • ezendu

      May 25, 2012 at 1:25 am

      you started well but ended foolishly when you mentioned igbo people, why dont you go to kano to ask a mallam for his daughers hand in marriage and see if you will make it back home alive, also go to yorubaland to marry as a non yoruba and see how they will respond , i have noticed it is igbo women that disobey their parents most with this issue and they are the ones that suffer most especially in intertribal marriages, rubbish.

    • Nma

      May 25, 2012 at 10:30 am

      I said Igbo people are very notorious for this…not exclusively…. but because most of the cases i have seen are of igbo people….and because within our culture there are just too much requirements. First, u must marry igbo…then it must be from ur state…then it must be from a particular village….then it must not be osu etc….then the family must be affluent. Common! Very little is said about the man’s personality and ur compatibility with him….just the family background is mostly what is considered. For young people like me living abroad, how can u easily sieve through all that to find the one that will actually satisfy u and ur parents? During our parents’ time, they lived back home and most likely in the east where “acceptable suitors” were in abundance. Living in the US, where it is not so easy to even find a Nigerian u are compatible with nko?? Times are different. It is not about being disobedient. Personally, i have been an obedient daughter for the most part, and try to please my parents. However, marriage and career are the two things no one will choose for me, because at the end of the day, i will have to live with the consequences ALONE.

    • Lola

      May 30, 2012 at 4:51 pm

      I do not agree with you. Its not only igbo girls that disobey their parents. I have a hausa friend who got married recently to a white man without informing her parents (at least to the best of my knowledge) because she knows that they would never agree to it. But she went ahead because they both love and understand each other – compared to her returning to Nigeria after her studies to marry one mallam or mallam’s son that they are preparing for her.

    • gerald

      May 25, 2012 at 1:49 am

      thats because igbo daughters are the most disobidient of the 3 major ethnic groups and i blame igbo fathers for spoiling their children , too much freedom of expression ,they feel they have arrived , that their parents are ancient and they know better i cant imagine an hausa fulani girl even opening her mouth when her parents say no.

    • Aisha

      May 25, 2012 at 8:07 am

      God bless you for this……

    • Purpleicious Babe

      May 29, 2012 at 1:12 pm

      Nma.. u will spoke well and I applaud u.. Clearly you have a different mindset that makes sense. To others it might not because we all do not see the world in the same way.

      Its a personal thing. Having understood you live outside Nigeria(Yes outside Nigeria), you are more likely to be more open-minded (depending on places you are based i.e. USA or UK or somewhere else). Your view to things might come across different to some people. But it is what it is. PLS DO NOT BOTHER REPLYING BACK TO ANYONE.

      YOU SPOKE VERY WELL. AND YOU DIDNT END FOOLISHLY, IF ANYTHING you provided an intense scope of what you have witnessed and is evident in the society you are aware of.

      Me, I like to think parents should be more open-minded and non-assuming. Thank God for my lovely mummy who has always be constructive and understanding.

      I am no way insinuating any negative connotations but I like to think we are all individuals within our own right to express what we believe in.

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Yoruba2Igbo?

      August 28, 2014 at 11:36 pm

      I agree with you. I was raised abroad. I am Igbo and a Yoruba guy, “A”, wants to marry me. “A” has been abroad since his teenage years (UK and USA). He isn’t the first person I have dated or wants to marry me because I usu. date Igbos given all the parental warnings of “you are the first child and Ada”. But he is the first person I have introduced to my parents given he’s very open with me with his family, parents, and friends. I feel he’s very trust worthy. Experience has thought me if his family agrees with you then 50% of the battle is won. My side on the other hand, parents, aunties/uncles, grandma, great-grandma are not in agreement what-so-ever. “A” has come to meet my parents, my mom left the house during his visit and my dad, after being silent for 4 hours, said “A” should wait till I complete my masters before talking about marriage. My parents/family warn that I will be forced to learn the Yoruba culture and language in order to have a decent (not peaceful or happy) marriage with the guy. Given we both attend RCCG, a predominantly Yoruba congregation doesn’t help. He’s a church boy and all he wants to attend are RCCG churches. When I bring up that over 60% are Yorubas, that we should attend a more diverse church he doesn’t want to. I would love to have parental consent because my family means the world to me. The relationship will be 1 year next month and it has lasted this long because we live 600 miles away from my parents but the same town as his parents. I visit his parents about every 2 weeks and of course they speak Yoruba and throw in the Yoruba phrases to me here and there. This is someone who helped me get a great job, wowed me on our first date, and paid for my bills when I wasn’t working for over 6 months. I feel he has my best interest at heart always. Am I delusional or missing something? Please Help.

    • Anucha Ikenna

      October 16, 2016 at 11:52 am

      Great write up Nma. I totally agree with you on this 1

    • muna

      September 25, 2017 at 9:27 am

      @ Nma u re very correct IMO state parents re the worst..

  18. Amanda

    May 24, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    If a lady (an adult) wants to get married and she shares the same belief with the man (” meets the biblical or quran requirement”) and there is no moral impediment to the marriage, I cannot see any justification for a parent/uncle/aunty to hinder the marriage. The lady and her parents can jointly come up with particular qualifications which they agree upon, which I think is reasonable in general, however if the parents and the daughter are at odds because of excessive strictness or flimsy excuses on the part of the parents, then it is the parents who should yield and not the daughter. A father has a duty to be involved in the marriage of his child, but he does not have the authority to hinder a reasonable marriage.

  19. Janded

    May 24, 2012 at 3:53 pm

    People in love never listen to reason. People will eventually learn from their mistakes

  20. Amanda

    May 24, 2012 at 4:01 pm

    Paying Bride Price has never made any sense to me. I just see it as selling your children. Sometimes we focus too much on what traditions or culture says and forget the most important things. The person getting married is an adult and not a teenager, he/she should be able to make decisions for themselves without any intrusion from parent. For me when it comes to getting married I don’t care what country, state, race or tribe the person is from; If they both love each other deeply then they should get married. Having parental consent is a good thing, however it is not a do or die thing. Parents should not deny consent without a just cause. Give the parent time to understand where you are coming from and if they still insist on you breaking it up then I would say the couple should elope and get married. Marriage decision is between a man and a woman, not a man with his extended family and a woman with her extended family. I am currently engaged to a Korean guy I met while I was in college. Thank God my parents like him. I can’t imagine someone telling us not to get married.

  21. Merciful

    May 24, 2012 at 4:20 pm

    @NMA
    Igbo people are VERY notorious of this rubbish….especially Imo State (my state). They want their chidren to not only marry someone from their state, but also from particular villages….and on top of that u can’t marry certain kind of people in those same villages (eg so-called osu, oru, ohu etc). What a load of crap! Stupid ass man-made crap! All those people that married “on point” in their opinion, how happy are they?!

    Verry true!!! Applies in my state too ( Abia state)!!! very serious issue which is affecting all my relationships, i torn btwn makin my parents happy n me being happy too.

    • Jade82

      May 24, 2012 at 8:42 pm

      I totally understand ladies am from Imo State too….that crap is just ridiculous. The part that is annoying is when u say the person ur dating is from Imo State the next question is what village oh you can’t marry them, this and that…..u kinda get tired of the bull shit.
      What saved my situation was my luck with some of these so-called Imo state men was something…I ended up with an Enugu man, am very happily married and God has blessed our marriage.

      My parents didn’t have a problem with my spouse; but it’s funny the kinda of things his cousins or other igbotic inlaws were saying about Imo State people. I laughed it off cos what God has destined to be will be……All dem bad belle came to wedding and were ashamed of themselves…..talking trash about mbaise people

    • States

      June 13, 2012 at 6:40 pm

      i thought anambra was worse because my current boyfriend is Yoruba. and once the time come we definitely jumping that bridge so help us God!!!

  22. onyii

    May 24, 2012 at 4:29 pm

    i wasnt allowed to marry me my hubby in the beginning because. listen to this……in my dad`s words-“i have no problem with the young man, but you will never marry an anglican”. My father is a catholic knight and he believes that anyone who`s not catholic, should have no business wanting to marry me, ironically my mum was anglican before marrying my dad. I wanted to go mad, cos i just couldnt get it, i mean we all serve the same God and my hubby is God-fearing and he actually made me a better person by bringing me closer to God.
    For almost two years i had to beg and cry, but my dad didnt budge,i thank God for my mum, who said she had prayed, and was convinced about him, i also thank God for hubby`s patience. My dears sometimes, you have to pray hard to get what you want, if its not meant to be, it will never happen, but if it is, even your parents have no choice.
    Daddy later accepted, as my hubby agreeed to meet his conditions, i just think it was meant to be cos daddy started relaxing his stand miraculously.
    My dears dont make it a do or die thing oh, dont defy your parents, because on my trad wedding day, my joy knew no bounds as i knelt before my dad and he blessed me and hubby, the blessing of parents dey very important oh.
    Sometimes you need to prove to them that you know what you want, and stand by it, cos if anything is important, it is worth fighting for.
    Sometimes these issues are good anyway, cos if a man can be patient in taking whatever treatment your people give him, just to make you his wife. Babes that man is a keeper, cos my hubby`s insistence was what baffled my dad and won him over.
    Also when you stress a guy small, at least he will know that you come from a home, and he knows some people are watching out for you, therefore he wont treat you like crap.
    Also, our parents our plagued by the fear of the unknown, so they tend to protect us from what they aren`t familiar with, so its left to us to try and allay their fears. However some reasons are really genuine, cos if your dad says he finds your guy`s character questionable, you should really consider his opinion, cos when we girls are in love, we tend to be short-sighted.lol.

    it isn`t easy but when you seek the will of God, pray together and keep at what you want, things will certainly shift in your favour, as far as you guys marry for the right reasons and as far as it is the Lord`s will,

    Whew! hope i didnt bore you…Goodluck Chi-ka, May the will of God be done in your life. 🙂

    http://theladyinaglasshouse.blogspot.com/

    • m

      May 24, 2012 at 11:04 pm

      I cld hug u ova and ova…ur input is all round

  23. Person

    May 24, 2012 at 4:39 pm

    Even if God appears to me and asks me to marry without my parents consent, it is NOT happening. The God that appeared to me can also appear to my parents. As a woman, if anything happens, it is the same parents that you’ll come back to. A man can do whatever he wants. I am not marrying without my parent’s FULL blessings and consent.

    • ty

      May 24, 2012 at 6:51 pm

      you are unwise to say that…so you will override the all knowing God’s decision and go for your parents that don’t know man’s heart? Hopefully you don’t marry a man that would make your life miserable just to please your parents.

    • Uche

      May 31, 2012 at 5:33 pm

      You have just said a very stupid thing. May God forgive yuor for this foolish statement. So God is now below your mortal parents? May God really forgive you this person.

    • Nih

      May 27, 2014 at 2:31 pm

      You should have read between the line before throwing out word “stupid”. She simply said marrying without parental consent for her is a no-no considering the danger involved. If you look closely, she said that because she understands the significance of receiving parental blessings; any right thinking person will look for a way of getting their parents to consent to their choice of a life partner, anything otherwise is deadly my dear

  24. risky

    May 24, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    This issue is a very funny issue! I have a very intersting story to tell bcos I was in this position once and trust me, it wasn’t funny!
    The girls in my family were advised against marrying men from a particular state,esp a particular town, because my grandad lived among those people for a while and concluded that the men didn’t treat their wives well. My aunt disobeyed and married a man from that state. She had dated the man for over 10yrs and could only marry him after my granddad died. U won’t believe that the marriage didn’t last for more than 10yrs. They have been divorced for about 5yrs now.
    In my 1st year of uni, I fell head-over heels in love with one guy, let me call him jake. I don’t fall in love easily but when I do its deep. It was even better when he also returned the love. Imagine the shock I felt when I found out that he was from the forbidden town! I kept the relationship hidden for months, till my mother found out, then all hell was let lose. Everybody in the family advised me to end the relationship, except one of my aunts. Interestingly, one of my uncles married a woman from that town, their marriage is still waxing strong, but my family had a problem with the men from that town not the women. My uncle’s wife actually confessed to me that she couldn’t name one man from her town (including her father) who treated his wife well, but she was sure there wld be some exceptions.
    I was distraught and confused, a lot of my friends, both younger and older told me to disregard my parents.
    I prayed and prayed and read volumes of literature.
    I then read pastor bimbo’s ‘HOW TO CHOOSE A LIFE PARTNER: 169 QUESTIONS TO ASK’, in the book, it states that u confirm you choice of partner, 3 Ps had to be fulfilled: PARENTAL CONSENT, PASTORAL CONSENT and PEACE. She stated that (n) matter what flimsy excuse ones parents give, we should never disregard them because she found out that 75% of marriages that fail don’t have parental consent.

    I finally decided to use my head not my heart, I started noticing differences in our backgrounds that I wasn’t comfortable with but decided to overlook bcos I was in love, I noticed he disliked his dad bcos his dad didn’t treat his mom well. But I was in love, and it was hard
    I took it out on my parents, I cried and cried, I told them that if I didn’t marry him and was unhappy in my future marriage, I would never ever forgive them.
    Finally, they reluctantly agreed, but I hadn’t any peace. I recalled what my dad told me -that if I had a bad marriage, he would be even sadder than me, bcos it wld break his heart to see me suffer. I also recalled that when my aunt went through her divorce, it was this same family that stood by her and employed a good lawyer so she cld win custody of her children, they rented an apartment for her and stood by her though she disobeyed them. Then I realise, though people say, its u that will be in the marriage, if u have a bad marriage, ur parents will suffer it with u, and if u have a good marriage, ur parents wld enjoy it with u, so our decision on who to marry has the ability to affect the people who love us.
    I finally broke up with my boyfriend because I didn’t have peace. I found out that I neede my parents willing blessing, not a forced one.
    It wasn’t easy for me and I needed time to heal. I met a lot of men who my parents felt was suitable, but I didn’t.
    Finally, I met a man who I fell in love with, it wasn’t love @ 1st sight like my ex, but it grew slowly and surely. We r very compatible and when I took him home, my family fell in love with him and everyone that loves me thinks I’m making the right decision. He isn’t as handsome, rich or as charming as my ex. But looking back, I’m GLAD I listened to my parents. Bcos I’m happy and at peace. I never thought I could love again, but here I am, more in love than ever!!
    I have nothing against my ex and I’m sure hell make a wonderful husband to some other girl one day.
    Marriage is a sacred institution that should be treaded into carefuully and prayerfully.
    My very long 2 cents

    • Nma

      May 24, 2012 at 6:10 pm

      Im glad u found true love again…but how do u know u wouldn’t have been happier with ur first love? IMHO, u feel “peace” because u were overly desperate to please ur people, and when they consented to ur latest boo, u felt content and “peaceful” because u haven’t stated anything ur ex did that made u loose ur peace of mind in the relationship. This is really mental slavery…some of our parents judge our partners based on such frivolous and archaic reasons that doesn’t and shouldn’t matter today.

      Your aunt probably didn’t work out with the guy because of personal reasons not because of the land he comes from. Saying its because of his origin is saying that God created the men of that land to be bad husbands? Or that maybe their parents collectively and purposely taught them to be bad hubbys? How do u feel about people labeling all Nigerians as fraudulent lots? Does it really apply to most of us? Do u get my point yet?

      Just as u believe that getting full family consent is necessary for a thriving marriage….i know MANY people that regret their decisions today for listening to their parents and leaving their true loves…..just like i know some who defied all pressure and married who they truly love, and are still happily married. I think getting parental consent is a beautiful thing. However, when it hurts the child, and seems like it only favor the parents, and is non-biblical, i say u better follow ur heart and the will of God for ur life or u may regret it!

    • miffed

      May 24, 2012 at 11:05 pm

      Madam Nma, your first paragraph is just absurd, almost idiotic!!!. How do u know the first guy wasnt the wrong one? And how exactly do u know the reason “she felt peace”? Abeg park well!

    • tweeter

      May 25, 2012 at 6:37 am

      @Nma, i think u ve a point but ure letting it blind u. U selectively interpreted the author in ur 1st post. The author said she understood cultural/religious reasons but didn’t agree, u conveniently forgot the disagreement part!

      Also, u dunno if this @risky person is only doing it to please family. She said she is at peace, can u argue with how a person feels??? She had her chance to stay with the ex but left, uve to respect her decision as an adult, except of course, u know her personally to conclude that she was still just doing it for family

    • Nma

      May 25, 2012 at 11:28 am

      @ Tweezer; but i do respect her choice (who am i not to?)… I guess i came across passionate about the issue when she kept emphasizing the fact that men from the place her ex came from are known to be bad husbands…and that it was confirmed by her aunt’s failed marriage etc. Like WTH? People still think like that? I can tolerate older folks thinking like this due to their lack of exposure while growing up, but young educated people too?

      From her story, it seemed like she was head over heels with her ex for months till her people disapproved, and that was when the doubt set in. It is possible that that relationship wouldn’t have lasted, but it is possible that it could have….it is all about the two people involved and their level of compatibility. The man she is with now may just be the best man for her on earth, which works out great for her and her family. However, i get irritated when people say that people from a particular place are bad or bla bla bla….that is exactly what is holding nigeria back…and what this whole debate is mostly about. We are way too advanced for all that…and most young people do not even live in their villages so what bonds tie all of them together?

      As for the author; she said “not that i agree” with parents’ discrimination against culture and religion but “understands” where they are coming from. Understanding connotes that u validate their point of view.

      The thing is that; it is easy for people that live in Naija because there is ample choices of suitors that will please u and ur parents…but for those of us abroad, it is not easy to sieve through all the things our parents don’t want which will also make us happy. It gets frustrating at times and it is a big issue with a lot of young nigerians here. An older sister of my friend is getting married to a muslim (she’s igbo and christian)….she’s desperate at 37 because every igbo man she has brought to her parents have been turned down. She got sick of it, and made her choice. Her parents may not attend her wedding this summer, but they kinda pushed her to it (and she allowed them)….she said her parents were giving frivilous reasons like the one risky’s parents gave: people from Mr A’s place are bad people…they used to eat human beings, Mr. B is too short…our grand children will be short (sigh), He is protestant, u must marry a catholic….etc…Ok, now she is forced to marry a muslim, i bet they regret turning down those other men. According to her many igbo men (or men in general) aren’t really checking for her anymore…so she feels compelled to grab the one thats eyeing her now before she ends up alone. Sad but i see cases like this quite often. Another friend got tired of all the naija guys she brought getting turned down for the same superficial reasons and ended up with a white dude. Another friend of mine had to leave the love of her life cos he’s “osu”….now she’s so regretful in her marriage and unhappy. My best friend (referred to her in my first post) is in a horrible marriage now cos her mom and sister made her leave the love of her life (who isn’t igbo), and made her marry some rich igbo dude who lives here….they man made her life a living hell…and now she is practically the bread winner. Her mom comes to visit them and sees what she goes thru and keeps apologizing to her over and over, but its too late not cos she has 3 kids and her true love is already married. Like i said, it doesn’t guarantee anything…some parents certainly look out for their children’s best interests, and can see things we don’t….but some of other parents are just so selfish, barely considering what their child (a full grown adult )wants and if u keep sacrificing ur happiness for their personal gratification, u may just loose out on the best thing that has ever happened to u.

    • Amanda

      May 25, 2012 at 4:18 pm

      @Nma God bless you for all your comments. It baffles me that in this 21st century (2012) people are still mentally enslaved. We are not in the 1930’s people. No marriage fails because of where some one is from. Some of you are saying that you know of some lady that married someone from another tribe without their parents consent and they later got divorced or had troubles. The marriage probably did not work because of personal reasons: communication problems, financial problems, selfish purposes on the part of the parent, man or woman e.t.c.
      You guys just suck in whatever anyone tells you. Have a mind of your own. If an elderly person tells you that people that have married from sososo tribe have had problems in their marriage and that you shouldn’t marry there. As an adult do your own research and find out why this people have had problems. Don’t just take whatever crap someone tells you. Lastly I will say it again that no marriage ends up in shambles because of the tribe someone is from or physical outlook. Stay blessed

    • tweeter

      May 29, 2012 at 9:25 am

      @NMA I respect ur POV sha…

  25. christy

    May 24, 2012 at 5:15 pm

    I just crash down reading all dis,sum comment seem to surpass the article.

    • keke

      June 28, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      lol my tots exactly

  26. NakedSha

    May 24, 2012 at 5:29 pm

    Having said that, your parents’ blessings are more important their bitterness or their curse.

  27. Amanda

    May 24, 2012 at 5:32 pm

    I can’t stand parents that have the archaic and slavery mentality. Some people are just enslaved to their parents. They can’t make any decisions without getting consent from mummy and daddy. The person getting married is an adult and not a kid. Once you turn 18 or get into college you are an adult. Whatever decisions you make should be your sole responsibility. If you decide to marry a guy that has piercings, tattoos, from a different country, state tribe, short, tall, rich, poor e.t.c it’s your choice. The parents have a duty to be involved in their child’s marriage but they don’t have any authority to hinder/stop them from getting married.

    • stone

      May 25, 2012 at 1:29 am

      and i see how marriages are surviving in your non archaic world. as long as nigeria is concerned your parents decision is very important .

    • Amanda

      May 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

      Getting your parents approval is a good thing, but its not a do or die thing. I can see how people are living in mental slavery in the name of obedience to their parents. You are an adult not a child. Your career, marriage e.t.c should be your own responsibility. Once you get into college you should be take charge of your own life. Having your parents input is good, but they should not become an hindrance. People don’t get divorce or have problems because of where someone is from. The major problem in marriages is communication. There are so many women in Nigeria that go outside in smile faces who you think have been married for 20 yrs, but when they get back home its hell. The husband their parents brought from whatever village is beaten the crap out of them. They stay in the marriage in the name of pleasing their parents. I can remember 12 yrs ago before I left Nigeria there was this lady that lived close to our house, she had dated this guy for a pretty long time and both decided to get married. Her parents were like it can’t happen oh, the person you are going to get married to has to be from this sososo village or town. Her parents decided to bring a man from God knows where. She married this man. A week or two after she got married the guy was beaten the crap out of her everyday. This woman refused to leave this man all in the name of pleasing her parents. She got killed during an altercation with her husband. Some Nigerian women have already gotten used to this that some of them even blame themselves for their husband beating them. This is absolute mental slavery and bondage. It is 2012 and not 1930’s and I can’t believe people still think this way. When I was getting into college my parent let me know that whatever decisions I make henceforth will be my responsibility, they will give me some input but ultimately the final decision is my sole responsibility. Nobody will choose my career or marriage for me. It didn’t happen in my parents ( my mother is Ibo and my father is yoruba) time and its not going to happen now. When God has ordained something nobody including a parents curse can stop God’s work. Stay blessed

    • Amanda

      May 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

      I don’t follow the world I go with the Word (Bible). Traditions or tribal stuff don’t matter to me. If I decide not to marry a guy, its going be based solely on it not being in line with God’s word and not some stupid mental slaved tradition. Lastly trust me things are working perfectly fine on my side. I am currently engaged to a Korean guy and no one is stopping us.

  28. JJ

    May 24, 2012 at 5:49 pm

    Please can Amanda stop commenting already. We understand your point and your view. And we can choose to agree or disagree. Some parents we know don’t have their children’s best interest – we’ve seen these all in nollywood films with Mama G, the worst culprit. But sometimes, some of us feel no matter how vague their reasons, there may be some truth. The point is to seek Godly counsel, prayerfully looking into what the Lord is saying. And like risky said, find out if you have peace in the decision you’ve made. I wish everyone all the very best.

  29. Simply mee

    May 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    This is happening to me right now! My mom’s refusing me to marry my bf of abt 6yrs. Her reason being that she wants me to get married to a man here in the states where we reside. She and my aunt had tried severally to matchmake me with men whom they deem good enough for me but i refused and made them know that my heart belongs to someone else. They (aunt&mom) poisoned the heart of allmost all of the other family members. Well i and my fiance have prayed and believe we are right for each other and God’s hand is upon our union. I travelled down to Nigeria some months back and we got married @ d registry secretly, though his family were present. My fam got to hear abt it nd my mom’s mad abt it and doesnt talk to me anymore. I feel bad though that i got married without her consent BUT i do not regret my actions! Parents are human, they make mistakes too! they do not know it all! I remember as a child i would see my mom crying secretly in her room, talking to herself and cursing this particular woman who misguided her and parents by convincing them to give my mom out in marriage to my late father at the age of 17. My mom did not enjoy her first marriage as she and my dad always fighting and quarreling, and the neighbours were always coming in to settle disputes. Note! this was a marriage that her parents approved and gave their consent! It beats me when i think about this because i thought that my mum would atleast reason with me having been through alot herself but she wants a “Rich AmericanHusband” for me. SMH 🙁

    • edre

      May 25, 2012 at 1:32 am

      the blame is on you , how can you even date a guy for over 2 years without your parents and sibblings knowing about him, where he is from and thier opinion about him, you clearly lack discipline now your turning your family upside down because of it and you seem proud of yourself .

    • tweeter

      May 25, 2012 at 6:33 am

      Why would you marry and hide it from your folk???
      And what kind of family does ur hubby have to let u marry w/o ur family to represent u. They don’t like u. Even if it was to beg ur people for u, not to be hiding anything. I hope d guy isn’t trying to make it to America. hmmm

  30. Funmi O

    May 24, 2012 at 7:30 pm

    I wonder about this as well. My dad is not in support of my relationship. This is not even Yoruba/Igbo kind of thing, it is the dreaded “Oyinbo”.

    May God help me.

    I have found someone who comes from a good family, very family oriented and is the best boyfriend ever. I am number 1 to him and this is not enough for my dad. Another problem is his religion, he is not Christian. I always think about this. I cannot imagine having these feelings for anyone else. My parents do not have the best marriage (issues of domestic abuse amongst other problems) and they come from same village, same religion so for me background does not matter. I know though that my dad’s opinion really matters and I will be incredibly sad if he never changes his mind.

  31. seun

    May 24, 2012 at 7:46 pm

    The fact is there will always be some kind of disapproval, be it yoruba or igbo, hausas are more tolerating. I dated an igbo girl for years and she was the love of my life, and when my dad and mom met her, they said heck no, not this omo igbo, never in this family. They even went to the extent of threatening to disinherit if i continued with the relationship. So I dated a white girl whom i accidentally got pregnant and they were still against it. I believe Our parents still live with tribalistic,clan , and sometimes elitist mentality that a certain breed of people should marry a certain breed of people. My eldest brother married an igbo girl and till today my parents disinherited him, but he was lucky to have married a rich girl because her dad gave him properties and he works for her family’s company now. As you see it also depends on the individual. I know my parents continuously tell me the type of girl they want me to marry a good educated ijebu girl, but unfortunately i am not attracted to women from my place, I have tried and it has never worked out. I told them since am the only son they have left, that if they are not careful ill go marry whom ever i choose. Anyways to the poster I think your friend should know that in the absence of your parents your uncles or elders and relatives(paternal) can accept the bride price and for the men follow you to marry the girl of your dreams. This is the reason its good to know you extended family well. My brother took one my uncles and i to stand in for my parents when he married. I believe that our parents fears are valid at times, because a friend of mine married an english raised nigerian ,who tried her best to respect the culture and fit in, but when push came to shove she divorced him and tried to leave with the children and also tried to sue him for half his property in the uk. Oh boy, my friend took the kids back to naija and packed his belongings,cleared his accounts and relocated. For us as africans, when you divorce us, you cannot take our children or our property, you only take yourself and leave. I think that is one of the fears of our parents of cultural differences. But am glad our generation is not so prejudice, it makes me believe in a better future for Nigerians.

  32. IZZY

    May 24, 2012 at 7:54 pm

    Ok here is my addition……a person’s place of origin don’t mean diddly squat in the success or failure of marriage.I think marriages fail because for selfishness on the part of either spouse.Everyone wants to be right and protect their interest rather than see things objectively.Again,I think anyone whose parents choose the spouse is not even ready to get married cos the first port of call in a crisis would always be the parents who will most likely escalate things rather than solve it!
    The Bible says ‘Children obey your parents’.Operative word there is children!Adults get to make their decisions and sorry to say but African parents just want to hold on to the right to choose for their spouses.I’m not saying totally disregard your parents but weigh what they’re saying.If they are judging your relationship based on unscriptural standards then I have to tell you whoever you are,you need to grow a pair and make a decision that makes you happy.This of course should be after you have prayed and sought God’s face and involved your Pastor.Sometimes we fight our parents because we’re too in love but the Pastor is not vested with any interests and can tell you the God-honest truth.If after warnings you choose to go ahead then wetin your eye see take am like that!
    I can personally speak because my experience?The parents were refusing at first because he is not from my tribe.Then enter all the Pastors in the world.Each and every one of them started prophesying against him that he is the devil and will kill me.I am by no means a baby christian and It was frustrating because they all think I’m crazy to ask questions. I was almost succumbing to fear for a while but then I remembered that this young man has never told me anything outside the word of God and even defends my parents in their actions,understanding it is out of love. Any prophecy that inspires fear is not from God cos 1st Cor 14 says prophecy is for edification and exhortation.I had to involve my Pastor at some point and by then I had gone through so much mental torture that I was at a point where I didn’t care about anything but my relationship with God and with the man I love. I can confidently say I have peace with this man because I thought I was ‘all that’ until I met someone who could call me on my bullshit and make me see that there are better ways to do things.I love him because he has all I asked God for in a man and then some!He’s a great guy.Not because I say so but because of the way he treats the people around him and his family.The people who know we’re together are amazed that I, a woman with all the degrees and qualifications I have, will fall in love with a man who has never left the country and is just starting up in life.
    I was a mummy/daddy’s girl but I had to grow a pair and they don’t understand it.Everything I do is based on the word of God so I fear nothing.Not death,and God’s word is certainly greater than prophecy so I am sticking to the Word and I know I am coming back with a testimony.
    I would hate to do it without the people I love,but I would rather be happy with my future than give it up and be sad for life.The most important thing is the Peace of God and his consent.

    Just my thoughts and I hope they help someone out there.
    Peace and God’s love.

    • Woman

      May 25, 2012 at 10:20 am

      God will bless you for this your comment ehn as in you said it all. Am an only child and mummy’s girl is my middle name. Now at the age of 25 i have grown more than a pair and am doing me. Mummy and her family can like to free me cuz now i make my own decisions regardless of their feelings. How can i bring home yoruba male suiters and am yoruba but still they are rejected. I don tire am no longer interested in relationships. Now focusing on my success and one day the right man will come by Gods grace but for now il be working hard for my future.

    • Ady

      May 25, 2012 at 11:34 am

      I’m so glad things worked out for you. However I want to correct something you said, since we are being biblical and all.

      You say: The Bible says ‘Children obey your parents’.Operative word there is children!Adults get to make their decisions..””

      I truly understand your point, but I think its a view that needs re-visiting. For example, Isaac (Genesis 24: 3-7; and Genesis 24: 66-67) and Jesus who went about obeying their Father were their Father’s children. Most of their recorded obedience was when they were both children and adults. We also see an example of a child, who became and adult in the place of Samson who wasted his destiny because of his wrong choice in marriage (Judges 14:1-3 ). When it was time for Isaac to marry, the bible records that Abraham sent his servant to his people to find a wife for his son, and when his son met her he married her. Now my view on this is to prayerfully seek the face of God in every decision you make. God will always reveal himself and make a way regardless of how difficult or challenging the situation may be. Like JJ said, there are some parents out there who have been portrayed in Nollywood movies as not having their Children’s best interest – gosh Mama G, goodness me, and those father’s that poison their children because they disagree with them – I digress and I know that some of this things happen in real life. Just as there are parents who have their children’s best interest at heart we have been shown that there are some who don’t. In any kind of situation you find yourself in, God will still prevail. God is the God of impossible situations, He has asked us is anything too difficult for Him to do (Jeremiah 32: 27; Genesis 18:14). All we need do is prayerful seek him. Some of us have had parents whose marriages didn’t work out, and you’ve see the effect it has on the parent, more so on the mothers. We don’t want this to be our case. If we can go through years and years of education to prepare us for the world of work and Adulthood, why can’t we prayerfully prepare ourselves for the world of marriage, which for most of us we are expected to spend a considerable amount of time in. Try God and see what happens. I know God will prevail in every of your situations in Jesus name. Amen.

    • annie

      May 25, 2012 at 2:41 pm

      You better listen to them o. This one that pastorS are all singing the same thing. Devil does wear prada. There is no way parents are against a certain person and different pastors are all singing the same thing and you proceed like its all good. As for the children you are referring to, as far as your parents are alive and you have elders who can stand in the place of your parents, you are a child be you 25 or 50. You need to take a break from that relationship and seek God with a clear heart. May he help you.

    • drewee

      November 3, 2012 at 7:09 pm

      wow….great words i must say…i am currently in the same situation. My parents initially did not have anything against my boyfriend until prophesies from pastors startng coming up and sayin that if i get married to him it will lead to regrets and death. I am still praying about it and just believing that Gods will prevail at the end of the day.

    • Omodaada

      December 25, 2016 at 3:59 pm

      Its so nice to read your input and experience. Did you end up marrying the love of your life?

  33. suwa

    May 24, 2012 at 8:34 pm

    Please pray. However drastic situations needs drastic measures. After losing 4 great suitors to … He is not ur tribe, he is not rich, his family is …[email protected] 34 I took drastic measures and married my husband @ a registry before even introducing him for traditional rites. What is cool for me may not be cool for others. However prayer is universal.

  34. Tosin

    May 24, 2012 at 9:46 pm

    There should be a kitten section and a cougar section. I’m over 30 (hallelujah) and at this point my parents will be nodding yes! But at under 30 I was Miss Independent, so I wouldn’t have asked their consent. I might have pretended to ask, and if they said the boy has green eyes no way, l’d pretend to try my best to change their minds, which of course they would in the end. All na shakara.

  35. iamfascinating

    May 24, 2012 at 9:49 pm

    Always make your own decisions and own your mistakes or triumphs.

  36. Nenny

    May 24, 2012 at 9:53 pm

    Interesting. I’m in that kind of dilemma right now. My family is discouraging me from marrying my boyfriend because he’s from a different tribe. I don’t even like to talk about it cos this is not the first time it’s happening. I believe I’ll have a testimony soon by God’s grace. I however do not wish to give up cos of such reasons. I will fight till the end.

  37. m

    May 24, 2012 at 9:54 pm

    onyii onyii, spot on! u covered d grounds

  38. chinco

    May 24, 2012 at 10:10 pm

    Sometimes parents av a sixth sense about these things which may come from their years of experience, I don’t know. I’d say if ur parents don’t agree, even if they can’t really say why they don’t like the guy then take a step back and look deeply into the R/ship. Sometimes love can be blinding and they may have seen things you didn’t. Ask your siblings and friends about the guy. If all u get is good and uv really thot abt it then pray they agree cus their consent is important. When they see u r hitting late 30s n unmarried no one will tell dem, lol. Jst kidding abt d last bit( but its worth a shot).

  39. risky

    May 24, 2012 at 10:16 pm

    My dear Nma, we are not fighting are we? We are just airing our different views. Life is about making choices. I made a choice to listen to my parents and I’m happy with it. There isn’t any question of whether I would have been happier with my ex, because I’ve chosen not to be with him and I don’t look back after making my decisions.

    Pls if u cared to read my comment, I said that I started noticing things that I overlooked because I was in love. Looking back now, we were not really compatible. Also note that fighting with your family to accept your choice could actually blind you to the person’s fault all in your bid to prove a point. Love blinds u to your partner’s faults, so sometimes, u need the help of people that really love u to prevent u from making a mistake.

    I just feel that if u feel at peace with your decision, whether you are obeying your parents or not, by all means go ahead with it!
    I just believed that if my parents really felt strongly that the marriage will not work, it just wouldn’t because my parents are Godly people, not decieved by material things or looks. And that if I didn’t feel at peace with something, then it wasn’t God’s will for me.

    And there isn’t only one person for you in this world, I just took my time and prayed for someone else who would tick all MY boxes, my parents acceptance of him just confirmed that he was God’s will for me. That’s the way I choose to think, I want to go to the altar with a sense of peace.

  40. ladybird

    May 24, 2012 at 10:50 pm

    I kinda understand where risky is coming from. Parental consent isn’t about your parents choosing your spouse for u, its abouth them approving your choice. You shouldn’t let your parents choose your spouse for you, but at the same time, they need to approve your choice. If its really God’s will, God will touch their hearts one way or the other and they will give u their full blessing which is verry important in marriage.

    • tatafo!

      May 29, 2012 at 5:44 am

      What amount of homework would Adaku have done before getting married to find out she won’t be able to have sons?

  41. Ada

    May 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

    I am going through the same situation right now, my dad does not want me to marry my fiancé because he’s from the north, I’m ibo BTW. He’s not given any good reason just that he has selfish interest in my choice of husband and that he’s not ibo, so should I give him up because he is not ibo, hell no! 
    We are praying and trust that he’ll come around soon but if he doesn’t we are still going to go ahead with the wedding. My dad believes no one is good enough for his daughters and if I wait for his approval I’ll probably be 50. 
    This is the only relationship, trust me I’ve been through a few, where I have peace of mind and mutual respect and I’m supposed to give up on my happiness because my dad doesn’t like the idea of having in laws from the north? 
    My dad did not attend my elders sisters wedding and they have been married for 10 years and doing VERY WELL. 
    All in all it depends on your situation and the reasons given for refusal. And to be honest if my dad had refused based on my fiancé’s character or his family I will listen. 
    His parents have been very supportive as they went through the same situation, in fact the mother’s dad didn’t attend the wedding but his parents have been married for 45 years and counting. 
    Remember that Bianca did not have her father’s blessing when she married the now late Ojukwu and they were together until he passed away. 
    As long as you are confident with your decision I’ll say go ahead but make sure it’s a godly one. 

    • seun

      May 25, 2012 at 3:11 pm

      All you guys are here saying you will do it anyway without your parents, and you folks forgot it took a village to raise a child. So its imperative you young peole know the elders and your father’s kinsmen, because if they give their consent by culture you father has, thats what happened in bianca’s case, her uncles gave their consent.

  42. Woman

    May 25, 2012 at 12:31 am

    My own expirience about this has left me with two broken engagements and heartbroke becausr i left the love of my life. Family are evil especially your mothers sisters they dont want u to do better than their child. But your own mother doesnt listen to you. I have disowned my family i now live alone and am facing my life. Spiritual battle upon spiritual battle because pple in my family dont want me to marry. God will surely judge. I have given up on marriage and love. My x fiance was threaten by my mum and her sister. God will see me thru ANEN

    • Woman

      May 25, 2012 at 12:37 am

      Sorry i wrote my comment in a rush forgive my spelling mistakes and i ment sisters

  43. Adaku

    May 25, 2012 at 6:05 am

    Interesting points from everyone. However, when it comes to marraige, I want to believe that the 3 “P”s are important as follows, PEACE/PRAYER, PASTORAL CONSENT, and then the icing on the cake which is what completes it all is the PARENTAL CONSENT. Parental consent is VERY important but with wisdom and good counsel. If the reason your parent is giving is something like, he is too light, too dark, too short, not wealthy enough, then i think you need to seek counsel somewhere else especially with a man of God. I am a divorcee today because i listened to my parents. I met a young yoruba doctor in college but he was a muslim and my mum schooled where he was from and beleived that they would make him marry another wife because i was ibo and christian. Also he was very handsome and cheated on me several times so of course it was easy for me to walk away. I met several other guys looking to marry me but my parents felt i should marry the one that was quiet and was not necessarily wealthy so we could build our wealth together. That way, there would be more respect for me and it would be “our” and not “my” money. Well, they were wrong, i married a guy with prospects. He progressed, became wealthy over the years of marraige but kicked me out first after 6 yrs, i went back to him because coming from a catholic family, they did not think divorce was an option and they thought since no complaint had been brought to them, it was a simple misunderstanding that was going to be resolved. After 11 yrs, 5 yrs from the initial “get out of my house” it was really over for me and I was glad to get out and not even consider looking back. He never hit me but he was mentally and emotionally abusive and was a nice person when my family was around but once it was just us, he let it rain coal. He knew how to keep up a front with people around but once alone with me, it was a different creature. At a point I thought i imagined his hatred and did all i could to act right. The biggest issue was he wanted sons and felt that since i could not give the sons, I should have packed my things and left to make room for the woman that could. Since i was not moving out, he did everything to frustrate me. I kept trying to behave so he could like me. I was not allowed to cook for him so that i would not kill him, I was not allowed to ride in his car except if absolutely necessary, I could not ask for money or anything from him because only women with children were allowed to do so. My father went with elders to discuss with his dad and see if his anger and the was he was treating me was due to something i was doing and his father told them that marraige was like going to the market to buy clothe. Once you use the clothe and did not like it, you disposed of it to get a newer one. My father till date regrets allowing me marry this guy.
    Bottomline, sometimes the parents are not right but when you have the first 2 “P”s, the 3rd and final one which is the Parental consent comes easy. I was not a praying christian when i married this guy and so even when i had the 2nd and 3rd “P”, I did not have the 1st one PEACE from praying about God’s will concerning him.

  44. t

    May 25, 2012 at 7:54 am

    it’s funny how people just apply scriptures to suit what they want. Yes the bible says honor your father and mother and I am 100% in support of that. But if the scenario was this: You are a (TRUE) BORN AGAIN christian and your parents call you someday and say ” I want you to stop attending church, paying tithes or offerings. I forbid it”. Will you stop doing that so as to honor your father and mother or would you insist on going according to God’s (biblical) command? Please let’s wake up and stop being deceitful. If your father decides that he would rather you marry someone who is stinkingly rich (but deep down in your heart you know the guy is extremely promiscuous) would you still honor your father? In my opinion, yeah, atimes parents see what we do not see. But they are not always right. The way we get blinded by love they also get blinded by love and emotion driven by fear and uncertainty of losing us to the wrong man. It is in our place to convince our parents that who we choose to marry is the right man (and of course every girl knows who the right man is except if you just choose to deceive yourself). So, yeah, let’s honor our parents but ultimately, it is ALL about who God says and who YOU are convinced about loving. Afterall, for the next 50-60 years, YOU will be the one spending it with that man. NOT your PARENTS.

  45. peace uga

    May 25, 2012 at 8:31 am

    hmm i thought i was alone in my own world. I am glad their are people going through same ..please lets all keep praying God will make a way for us in JESUS name>>AMEN!

  46. Jay

    May 25, 2012 at 8:55 am

    Parents sometimes do this as the writer said not cos of personal reasons but cos of their experiences and tales they have heard, they truly want the best for us but sumtimes is their ‘best’ good enough, I mean is that what you really want? If u knw within u that he is truly the one and there is no going back then stand your ground and pray to God about it not only bt ur relationship but also about ur parents consent and ur inlaws(cos as dey say wen u marry a man u marry his family).

  47. Marcus

    May 25, 2012 at 9:42 am

    The issue of marrying the right spouse takes spiritual discernment.

    If you have found what you think to be your spouse and if your parents initially do not consent, first obey your parents.

    However, continue to persist in prayer and trust God’s word in Psalm 37:4 – which says: “Delight yourself in the ways of the Lord and He Will Give You the Desires of Your Heart.”

    If it is His will it will happen, and if is not His Will, he will send you someone even better that is truly the desire of your heart and not just your eyes – this is the beauty of what it means to Trust in the Lord, as you can never loose.

    1
  48. chocolatier

    May 25, 2012 at 10:20 am

    This is indeed a very interesting topic. Marriage is an institution ordained by God. He(GOD) gave us parents to teach us, nurture us, and show us the way to go. Now, concerning the issue of marriage,parental consent is important and should not be taken for granted. Parents generally are very sensitive and intuitive. It does not erode the fact that they miss it sometimes( because they’re humans). However, we should always heed to the advice of our parents. Let’s not also neglect the God factor because he is the only one that can never make a mistake. I’m a single lady and i once was in an alter-bound relationship but it dint work. i endured so much emotional and mental abuse in that relationship. I never had peace about marrying the guy but i was still willing to give it a try. From the moment my mother found out what i was going through, she kicked against the relationship. If your parents refuse to give thier consent the best thing to do is to go back to God and ask him to show you things about your intended partner that you dint know about him/her. Trust me, you’ll be amazed at your discoveries.

  49. ephee

    May 25, 2012 at 12:11 pm

    relly intresting comments so far.i am an igbo gorl from imo and till date my dad has a thick skin for yourbas(though i didnt grow up wit him, him and my mum are seprated).my dad is a kind of person who wnan his daughter to get married to one rich UK or US based guy preferrable matchmaked.igbo guys harldy ask me out coz they think am yoruba coz of my looks and i prefer yoruba guys coz igbo guys are proud, bossy and aggresive. i told my dad about it and he said he wouldnt approve such especially wit youbas. my cousins even had to cal me and narrated their ordeal to me concerning marriage that their mum and dad dont want them to marry their choice except theone they ar matchmaked with which eventually ended up in one of them aalmost beating up one of my cousins becos she refused to date him. they are graduates in medcine , sugery and pharmacy from private universitys, with their own cars(RAV 4) each and rich but they are scared of settling down but their parents wunt let them be.

    i mistakenly got pregnant for my yoruba boyfriend and he refused me from aborting it including my mum who then told me to inform my dad and should in case he refuses she will go ahead and give me out in marriage but miraculously my dad accepted though he felt bad at first but decided to keep the pregnancy issue secret and inform his other brothers of my intention to get married and then they fix a date.

    its just God that can plan thngs the way u dont expect, sometimes it works for u and sometimes it takes time.

    • obinna

      May 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm

      you can post your thread withput attacking igbo guys, we have never had problem finding the best of naija women to marry so dont drag us into this. in your next life try and find out the kind of man your parents want and work with that just as you work with criterias like tall, rich etc

    • Wink wink

      June 4, 2012 at 4:31 pm

      LOL @ Obinna’s comment. You sure are funny. I sometimes feel that way about Ibo guys too but there are a lot of exceptions. There are a lot of Ibo buys that are loving, caring etc!!!

  50. laolu

    May 25, 2012 at 12:30 pm

    That is indeed a flimpsy excuss ooo, cos the guy is light skinned? for me, its the will of God that matters and my heart. if he is the one i want and God says yes, my dad’s opinion doesnt matter ooo. i will only ask God to touch his heart and as the bible says, the heart of a king is in his hands, so, i blv God to change his opinion and see from my side and Gods.

  51. a

    May 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm

    This marriage thing is not easy. Im currentlyhaving issues like this. my mum is sayingno to my boyfriend because he is short. Thats her only reason. i am at a loss. we just chilling hoping one day she’ll say yes

  52. me

    May 25, 2012 at 2:25 pm

    LMAOOOOO do parents really tell their kids not to marry because the person is too light/too dark?????????? wowzers

  53. enemim

    May 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    u just wrote wheni needed this im from Benue and my man is from borno my parents WANTS a man from benue and im never lucky with them i ended several relationship because of this and im getting fustrated having parying and asking God for a change in their lives. they said they cannot practice another’s man culture and im the only daughter they cant let me out of the state i pray God interceeds for me.

  54. mims

    May 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm

    At the end of the day na you wey dey marry the person. You’re parents won’t be there if you are unhappy in a marriage. Ideally we want our parents to approve and be happy for us, but if you are certain the person is the one. Then unfortunately you have to go against your parents wishes, and in the end when you are living a fulfilled life, they will understand

  55. annie

    May 25, 2012 at 2:49 pm

    Posting attempt 3:
    You better listen to them o. This one that pastorS are all singing the same thing. Devil does wear prada. There is no way parents are against a certain person and different pastors are all singing the same thing and you proceed like its all good. As for the children you are referring to, as far as your parents are alive and you have elders who can stand in the place of your parents, you are a child be you 25 or 50. You need to take a break from that relationship and seek God with a clear heart. May he help you.

  56. my 2 cents

    May 25, 2012 at 3:25 pm

    Let me add my two kobo sha.
    Marriage on its own comes with many challenges. It might take 5, 10, 15 years but it will surely come. In fact the longer the buildup, the bigger the wave. Marrying a man without the blessings of your parents is not something I encourage anyone to do. Now if the reason they are refusing is biased cosmetic stuff i.e he is ugly, short, black, light, that isn’t a valid reason. Pray, involve elders your parents respect and pastors as well. The thing with us africans is that our histories are oral. Oyinbo people record their own in books our own we pass it down through our children or action. I.e, DON’T SWIM IN THAT RIVER, DON’T EAT IN THAT VILLAGE IF YOU ARE FROM THIS VILLAGE, DON’T MARRY FROM THERE IF YOU ARE FROM HERE. Superstitious? maybe but somehow over the course of many generations, the consequences of those who disobeyed them have been witnessed.
    There are reasons why these things were put in place and have continued to be respected to begin with. Though not everyone of it is true, many of them have spiritual implications as it has been in place before our time thus numerous invoking has been put in place to keep it so.
    There is something powerful about a parent’s tongue especially when it comes from genuine reason, please listen to it. I have many many stories I can share of family members who married someone that their parents strongly objected to and today, the marriage has SERIOUSSSS challenges. The last thing you want to be tugging at your mind when going through challenges in your marriage, is thinking if your difficulties is as a result of you disobeying your parents by being there in the first place. You will be quick to pack and leave because you feel you started on the wrong foot. My mom’s mother reluctantly agreed to her marrying my father although she gave somewhat valid reasons why she had reservations about it. Today, looking back my mother has witness those almost all of those things her mom and some of her siblings were afraid of. My father’s mother warned my mother never to allow any of us (female) marry from my father’s village. She gave her reasons for it and my mother made sure to that! ah, once bitten, twice shy.
    One of the very big reasons I married my husband was because my entire family (extended included) were in support. Not because of his family but because of his character as well. That character is what has kept this marriage going o. After being married for this long and seeing the challenges you can have even when things are done right, I cannot imagine what would have happened had I married the man I was in love with and felt with my heart was the one for me even when some people around me had mixed feelings. People around you see what love blinds you from seeing. Believe me, you will love again.
    So yes, parental consent is a must except when the reasons are shallow.

  57. Des

    May 25, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    Some parent’s reason for forbiding a relationship is beyond the bounds of reason from the absurd to the ridiculous. I stopped dating a guy once cos my mom said he is rude. Now she keeps asking if my fiancee is not too stubborn since he is from ondo.*rme* All these ethnical jargons aint my headache. I intend to stay in my husbands house all my life even though ‘they’ say women from my tribe dont stay in there husband’s house.God’s consent is the most important, parental consent is a blessing though but i dont think they are all knowing.

  58. uzoka

    May 25, 2012 at 5:54 pm

    i have been dating this yoruba girl for over a year now , wanted to propose to her but felt i needed to first discuss it with my parents, before i even mentioned yoru my mother almost fainted lol. am not sure what to do yet my dads only concern is that she be willing to marry and raise my kids in the catholic church since am the 4th son but my mum no wan hear that name at all.

  59. ladybird

    May 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm

    @ ADAKU, from what u said, I think you are not a divorcee because you listened to your parents, you are a divorcee because u didn’t take enough time to get to know your husband for youself. Pls correct me if I’m wrong.
    Parental consent does not mean letting your parents choose for u, u have a right to reject their suitor if u feel u r not compatible wit d person.
    You have to do the greatest homework of getting to know the person and deciding if he’s right for u. Then u present him to ur parents for their blessing and if they don’t give u the blessing, u need to pause and prayerfully and carefully see if they are right.
    Parental consent is a way of checking if your choice is in line with God’s will. That’s my opinion sha

    • miffed

      May 28, 2012 at 4:42 pm

      Opinion toh quality. My dear u are very correct.

    • Adaku

      June 26, 2012 at 3:05 pm

      As hard as that might sound, in restrospect, I think you are partly right. I badly needed my parents approval, and I think i was spending time ensuring I got thier approval than study the man. Also i was really naive and did not know what signs to look for. When i look back, the obvious signs were not there but I could have tested the waters before stepping in. Lesson learned. Parental approval as much as it is important, you need to know what you want and like someone said, build yourself a checklist. If the partner does not meet at least 85% of what is on your checklist and if the 15% is not a MUST have but a NICE to have, then you can step into the waters. But if the 15% is a MUST have and the partner does not have it, ….regardless of parental consent, you need to FLEE…you will heal and love again. Like a man of God said, the man has to say that you the woman is the bone of his bones and the flesh of his flesh, and really mean it, when you read the bible, Adam said that when he set eyes on Eve (revelation for someone). If the parents see that, they know that they have found the right person to hand their daughter over too. Enuf said

  60. ihuoma ken ohiorenoya

    May 25, 2012 at 8:10 pm

    I think the daddy in the BN Hot Topic is not being completely sincere.He hasn’t really divulged what his real problem with the suitor is.Anyway,small tip that might just work:when you really like someone,just a good friend or soon to be spouse,learn to market the person very well to your family and friends.Let them see what you saw.Dem go even come like the person pass you sef.It has always worked for me.People who know my dad and what he is capable of still wonder how I got him to ascent to my marriage without raising a single dust(hubby is from a diff tribe) and I didn’t hav to pray.It might be more effective if you try this approach before mentionin the persons intentions to them.No guarantees though.Pple and situations r diff.
    http://creamycravings.blogspot.com

  61. onut

    May 26, 2012 at 2:47 pm

    The bible says ‘honor your parents’, true. But what does honor really mean? Though it may be synonymous with ‘obey’, they are two different words. As a grown person with parents who raised me right (enough to have some confidence in decisions i make), I will always respect them, protect them, place them in positions of dignity, never speak back angrily or rudely to them, give strong objective consideration to their opinions but at the end of the day I will make my own decisions based on the word of God and convictions within my spirit – that to me is the height of honor. I think it would be tragic to wake up one day regretting that I lived my life for my parents and not for myself.

  62. Jatropha

    May 27, 2012 at 9:14 am

    Good parents will always discuss their reason(s) with their Children.If their reason(s) are not good enough to be discussed,then is more of personal impression.Parents at time could be wrong in their calculation.Insist on cogent reason(s)

  63. wemimo

    May 28, 2012 at 6:24 pm

    some peeps dey comment sha..haba see long comments..well as for me, is good to listen to ur parents cos dey see beyond us though is not easy to give in to their advice when love dey shack us…

  64. izzy pizzy

    May 28, 2012 at 7:16 pm

    It hasnt really worked out well for me and my Igbo brothers much as I want an Igbo man,
    The yoruba brothers dey love me as if tomorrow no dey, as in too much loving but when i remember he is a Kunle or a Deji and i try out my name with his, I immediately come back to reality. E.g Dalu Ajayi or Dalu Olaleye cheiiiiiiiiiii….My mother will just faint. Guess Dalu Okeke or dalu okoye sounds more like it.

  65. emenike

    May 29, 2012 at 2:03 am

    only a spoilt child, or a child without home training will think his or her parents opinion dont count . God save nigerian youths.

  66. Oly

    May 30, 2012 at 3:36 pm

    l cannot just marry any1 wtout my father’s consent because these r the people that l will run to incase of anytin as husband can behave funny 1 day o.

  67. Lola

    May 30, 2012 at 4:54 pm

    Its not only igbo girls that disobey their parents. I have a hausa friend who got married recently to a white man without informing her parents (at least to the best of my knowledge) because she knows that they would never agree to it. But she went ahead because they both love and understand each other – compared to her returning to Nigeria after her studies to marry one mallam or mallam’s son that they are preparing for her.

  68. Lola

    May 30, 2012 at 5:07 pm

    Making decisions such as who to marry is very very very delicate. It is good to seek your parents advise and consent and to obey them (if you can). I put if you can in a bracket because to be very honest with you all. parents dont know everything neither do they see everything. As far as choosing a life partner is concerned (1) Take the person to GOD in prayer. Go on your knees and pray to GOD ask HIM for guidians and direction. (2) Make sure you both love each other unconditionally (3) Understand each other. Bes submissive to each other. Tolerate to each other. Do things together. And above all, always put GOD first and make HIM the foundation, beginning and pillar of your relationship. Never forget this, no man is perfect everyone including yourself is a work in progress

  69. Otigba Emmanuella

    May 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

    If the reason is not backed up with facts and does not relate with my experiences with him, I will go ahead and marry him. At the end of the day, Your parents will complain about everyone and when u aint married at a certain age, they start asking questions, pushing you and praying on ur behalf…. *rollingmyeyes*

  70. ephee

    May 31, 2012 at 11:36 am

    @Obinna: i was nt attacking igbo guys , i only expressed the kind of igbo guys that were comming to me. in my next life i will marry who God chooses for me not who my parent wants.it is people like u that will say we ar materialistic and like money . must everytin be about money?

    for me o, i am happy with my yoruba man and am at peace and God has taken control and my dad has no choice than to accept and if he dosnt now he will later.

    despite the wealth , degree and status my female cousins are unmarried coz their parents wants them to marry whoeva they choose for them be it right or wrong

  71. camo

    May 31, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    i must tell you people, if God consents he will get your parents to do so. Obey your parents! All of you are now saying your parents are myopic, selfish etc these are the same people slaving their ass for you to become people now you ve become an adult suddenly daddy who took all he could to make you the person you became is suddenly myopic, ur mum who was awake all night and day breast feeding and making sure you are healthy has become selfish. Let us view who is selfish and myopic here o. I will say it again no matter how flimsy d escuse is and you believe you are a christian pray and if he is the one for you God who showed him to you will also show him to your parents who He (God)gave d responsibility of taking care of you.(bows)

  72. UG

    May 31, 2012 at 4:36 pm

    Ohafia kwenu! my pple av drawn my ears that i MUST marry from ohafia…when i presented an ohafia dude who wasn’t it at all, my dad called me aside n told me he’d never consent to it. his only criterion is that the man should be born again, he can like to come from the moon…well, i brought the ‘one kind’ ohafia guy on purpose sha,so that they wud lift that crazy embargo!

  73. Iphie

    June 1, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    Nma God bless you over and over and over and over…………

  74. Iphie

    June 1, 2012 at 12:44 pm

    @UG LOL. Crazy embargo

  75. UG

    June 2, 2012 at 9:26 pm

    LOL IKR

  76. babuh

    June 4, 2012 at 11:09 am

    i have 2 sisters that disobeyed my dad and they’ve been living at home longer than they have been married, not all fingers are equal it works out for some and doesn’t for others as long as u are fine with whatever gets thrown in ur way then go for it but remember do not hurt or disrespect ur parents or family cos they will be the only ones there for u be it hail twista or hurricane

    • jollybabe

      August 23, 2012 at 7:36 pm

      gbam!

  77. Anjy's mom

    June 6, 2012 at 3:01 am

    Nma,may God bless u.

  78. I listened to my parents

    June 7, 2012 at 11:47 am

    Dear All, Please in God’s name, listen to your parents. If they do not consent and you have prayed about it and received counsel from trusted Church leaders ( I use this term very loosely) please don not go ahead to marry.

    I went through this situation personally. I am yoruba and He was Ibo. He had qualities that a woman will consider marrying a man for: hardworking, responsible and had a heart for God. My parents met him but for no particular reason, they witheld consent. I prayed, I cried and I fought but no family member was on my side.To make it worse, my boyfriend wasn’t so supportive, despite the qualities I saw in him, he had a probelm sharing his money, I am not talking about my WANTS here but NEEDS. I often had to write post dated cheques to borrow money off him, not because I delibrately exceed my own budgets but because I was just a graduate beginner who didn’t earn much.I broke up with him because I didn’t have peace and I believed the issue of money is fundamental to a peaceful union. I broke off the relationship and told God the only reason, I will go back is if my parents agreed. Today, I am thankful that I did not continue with that relationship. Even though I am still single, I am thankful that I am not a part of a dysfunctional family of my Ex. Please, although not all parents will agree in the beginning, hold on and pray, but if they refuse, please don’t go on with that marriage.

  79. Momme

    June 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm

    I will like to add one or two things. On your journey to a married life, there might be some bumps on the road. It may be your parents, friends, to be in-laws. What you need is to pray for your own man. Get God approval first and every other things follow. If you get God’s approval and your parent disapprove, you need to take it to God, God will soften their stony hearts and will later approve. But then, if the in-laws too are against the tribe in which you come from, you need to determine and make yourself to standout. If the Ibos are saying yoruba are bad, when you marry the man, try to convince them that yoruba are the best to marry. Your in-laws can only appreciate that through your behaviours: accomodative, caring, loving, respectful, not na-me-and-my-husband, let they have their ways. Don’t be too possessive. For sure, they will like you and your marriage will not hit any rock. The husband too should not discuss his wife with family.

  80. God dey

    June 7, 2012 at 4:31 pm

    Her Parents didnt give their consent. He fact they specified who she was to marry and did lots of stuffs to have her marry him. She left Naija for the US and i made sure i supported her to get her MBA. Its 6 yrs now and they still havent consented especially the mother. I cant wait any longer as am almost 40 and she now in her mid 30’s. Am moving on cos i cant marry a lady without her parents consent but more so cos we are both not getting any younger. I pray we both find happiness. Naija parents can be so so wicked.

  81. i listened to my parents

    June 8, 2012 at 11:38 am

    @ God dey, I think if you supported her all these years, you should get people whom her mother respects to speak to the mother. I can relate with how you feel. i don’t know what reason(s) you may have been refused but if the ‘her” in her mid 30’s is still willing to have you, it is worth fighting for. I won’t conclude that parents are just wicked, maybe the real reason hasn’t been disclosed or maybe god is using them as a shield to protect you or her. Please pray one more time, if it is the case that you haven’t. I note that you are almost 40 but that should not be the sole reason to leave this relationship: What is the guarantee that you’ll be married or that you will find another?. I don’t want to seem overly spiritual but please go to God, I don’t know exactly where it is in the scripture but i will leave a few of them

    1. Seek HIM first and everything other thing will be added; often times we go to God just to receive solutions for our probelms.Just go afer God in worship, read your bible and pray(tell him your probelm as you have on BN)
    2. Those that seek the Lord do not seek him in vain; Those who look to him are radiant, their faces are never covered in shame. If this relationship means a lot to you, PLEASE by all means, commit it to God’s hands. Be patient, my bible tells me the Holy Spirit does not work in a troubled mind.

    3. He makes everything beautiful in his time: Yes in his time, wait for your turn, do not rush out. You might compare yourselves with friends who started off with you and are now married but guess what, our paths to success are different, so are our challenges.

    4. All things(delay,trials,challenges etc) work together for good to them that love God.

    5. You need to release her mother from your heart,if you hold grudges against her. Forgiveness is never optional.

    Please hold on!

    • Belle

      June 8, 2012 at 11:56 pm

      I know our parents are meant to protect us. However, if a union is meant to be and God has ordained it. No parent can object to it, no matter who they maybe in this world. We all have free will to do what we want to do but with God’s guidance. Yes, we are brought up to think that our parents are always right but NO they are not. it is up to each individual to make decisions that will affect their lives. Not their parents making some decisions for selfish reasons.

  82. Tina

    June 19, 2012 at 2:11 pm

    almost the same issue all the time, i had a Imo cute guy dat i wanted to marry, my parents went for an investigation and came back with issue of the guy been OSU. now they refused to give consent for a guy that i have dated for over 7yrs now. i mean, it sucks and am really confused. but am beliving God for sumtin different.

  83. bonita

    June 20, 2012 at 8:18 am

    Am currently dating a guy from Ngwa and i told my mum.Guess what she said.She said i cant marry him all because they(Ngwa) people eat human beings. Seriously,i couldn’t hold it and i told her she has to give me better reasons if she is going to have her way.in fact,she has not met this guy and she has already made her decision. All am saying is that its good to have parental consent before u go ahead to marry the person you love but sometyms their are reasons are so wacko. well, if its God’s will for me to marry him.i will and i will also prayerfully commit my parents to God to have a change of heart when they say no.

  84. Omoregee

    June 22, 2012 at 3:18 pm

    For me, its all about getting conviction n a go-ahead from God. Once I have that, it really doesn’t matter what anyone says……now that conviction is the clause. I’ll say though that parental consent is very important but not compulsory to have a happy marriage……God’s consent is key. So, I’ll worry less what my parents think n focus more on what God thinks, if He says go ahead, then that’s what ama do. Its that simple for me.

  85. Ella

    July 4, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Hmmmmmm!
    I am so confused!
    We have been friends for four years and started dating eight(8) years now.
    My parents and man of God gave their consent n blessings,am at peace,
    his family accepted me except his Mum(for no reasons, none whatsoever)!

    What do i do?

  86. Jazzmyn

    July 5, 2012 at 12:46 pm

    My case was a case of the bf’s mother having cold feet after the introduction. After putting my family under pressure to fix a date and all,she started being cold and withdrawing. later said she wants to have meetings with family on their side. All of a sudden she said she went to ‘pray’…wherever that was,and the ‘prayer person’ told her i was an ogbanje and also i am controlling her son,because he doesn’t want to hear what anyone has to say when it came to issues concerning me.She also said she will not have anything to do with the relationship because she has reviewed it and won’t be part of it. So i am in a fix because its been over 6months and we have been waiting for her to come round.

    • Lafunky

      December 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm

      This is similar to my own story. The only difference is that, the cold shoulder from the parents started 3weeks to the wedding. Before you call Jack, 3weeks came and we didn’t get married. It pained me so much.

  87. Ife

    July 12, 2012 at 3:38 pm

    Sometimes u have to admit parents can be selfish. My mom just felt i was tall and pretty, why shld i get married to a short guy? she kept asking what people would say? that was her problem and she refused to let us be, my Dad was fine she refused, got messy we stood our grounds…we even broke up dated others cos pressure became too much on him, his mom called begged me to leave her son. End of the day, we got married…some cried on our wedding saying they had never seen true love. That is the real test of love i think, so to that guy who is 40 and giving up, trials will come in marriage and this experience will keep you together…..Your woman also has to know when its time to take the plunge, i have my folks a deadline and boy was i ready to go ahead, my dearest mom then agreed for introduction and then almost 8months for the wedding – maybe hoping i’ll change my mind…

  88. jollybabe

    August 23, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    LISTEN TO UR parents.Even if they are wicked.At least PAUSE,ON THE MATTER.

  89. hyuu

    November 3, 2012 at 6:50 pm

    what about if your parents disagree based on prophecies heard from various pastors concerning the impending union? what should one do?

  90. BIODUN

    February 1, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    THESE PARENT CAN BE SELFISH. I HAVE BEEN IN THAT SITUATION 3 TIMES NOW. I DATED AN IGBO GIRL, UNTILL WHEN HER MUM SAID SHE CAN’T MARRY A YORUBA TALKLESS OF A MUSLIM, BECAUSE I’M A MUSLIM. THE OTHER ONE FROM KOGI WHOSE FATHER WAS A MUSLIM, MOTHER A XTIAN, BUT BOTH PARENT WERE LATE, BUT SHE GREW UP WITH HER MUMS FAMILY WHO ARE XTIANS. WE HAVE DATED FOR 18MOTH, WHEN WE STARTED PLANNING FOR WEDDING BETWEEN US THEY TOLD HER POINT THAT SHE CAN’T MARRY ME, BECAUSE I’M A MUSLIM. SHE BROKE UP WITH ME AND GOT MARRIED TO A XTIAN IN DEC. ONLY TO DISCOVERED ON HER WEDDING DAY THAT HER HUSBAND IS A CULTIST. SOMETIMES PARENT CAN BE RIGHT, BUT NOT EVERYTIME AND THEY ALSO HAVE TO KNOW THAT THINGS ARE DIFFERENT FROM THEIR OWN TIME.

    • lolo

      February 3, 2013 at 5:16 am

      mr biodun, abeg, find a muslim girl to marry, with a muslim family. stop bothering urself. dont u want to raise ur kids by your own religion? then get a woman who believes in the same thing and can raise your kids as such

  91. anseey

    March 8, 2013 at 11:13 am

    There are 3 very important events in a man’s life, birth , marriage and death, d only 1 he has control over is marriage.I would say dat decision should b from u mostly.yes u need ur parents blessing, but 1ce u know and feel it in ur heart dat u are wit d right person , my dear pls go ahead .ur parents want d best 4 u , but best is relative .u alone know Watis best 4 u .marriage in not an easy journey .u don’t graduate from dat school. So go into it 4 d right reasons not cos of people’s consent but 4 ur happiness.dat y bible say dat a man will leaves fatherandmother , meaning decision is solely Urs not ur parents.if u are not old enough to take decisions and live wit the consequences pls do not thinks of marriage.cos it’s 4 independent minded people. My 2cents.g

  92. Teni

    April 17, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Really as much as parents blessings are good,sometimes our parents are just stubborn people and don’t like change. My sister is married to an igbo man and my daddy did not even talk to her till the day she left the home, he was begged by tons of people to let the wedding take place and attend, he did not even contribute a kobo to the wedding. Guess who is his favourite grandchild now, its Chiamaka,my sister’s daughter and himself and the son are best of friends. So, prayer is the key truly and get people to help drag him thru the ceremony if he’s too stubborn.

  93. Chucks

    May 2, 2013 at 1:24 pm

    am seriously in a similar problem,M????????? woman ????

  94. debnelly

    November 6, 2014 at 1:58 pm

    Am in a similar situation! I pray God to intervene. sometimes parents May think they are doing u good but they are not.I think we in this situation, if It’s for a Godly reason, be prayerful and consistent

  95. K.boy.

    August 13, 2016 at 2:45 pm

    Some parents are just being dictatorial and selfish about this marriage of a thing. Most times they tend not to see anything good in any man or woman you introduce to them. Your parents love you quite alright, but I don’t think they love you more than you love yourself. If parents’ reasons for barring you from marrying your partner are rather strong than flimsy, then it’s very cool to obey and respect them. But if weak reasons like ethnicity, culture, place of origin are brought into the mix, if you ask me, I will say shun them and follow your heart. In as much as marriage means two families coming together, it is more concerned with the couple, they spend more time together and I think understand themselves best. Family should learn to act constructively.

  96. Adaora

    October 6, 2016 at 5:23 pm

    I met my fiance when I was 17yrs old, he asked me to marry him but my parents refused. We departed ways and now and 23yrs old, he came back to me last year and since then we’ve been so good not until recently that after we had done our introduction, he’s opening up to let me know that his family are not in agreement with the whole thing and he proposed to me again with a ring last week even though we’ve been serious without a ring….am devastated and I need advice. but something tells me that it’s a prank or…pls I need help

  97. Akparawa

    March 5, 2017 at 9:45 pm

    I have been engaged to this lady for two years now. Her mom is in support of our relationship and she really wants us to get married but her dad has refused to give us his consent because according to him “God has not spoken to him about the relationship” and from his experience, God’s silence always spells disaster. He however insists that since we are both adults, we are free to go ahead and marry if we are really convinced that the relationship is of God but he won’t consent unless he is equally convinced. My fiancee has told him that she will go ahead and marry and he doesnt have any issues with it. According to him, it is fine, after all, he married her mother without his parent’ consent and he doesn’t regret it. What do you advise? Should we go ahead and marry?

  98. ella

    June 4, 2017 at 4:51 pm

    I believe that a marriage entails of three partners (God, the man and the woman). For a marriage to work, the man and the woman need to agree and God needs to consent to it. If one party is not in agreement, it can’t work. If God gives his consent, he has the duty of making things fall in place for the couple.
    This does not undermine the importance of parental consent and blessings,as it is also very important and it’s one of those things that God would make possible for you. This most important thing is for the three parties to have a solid agreement on the way forward and be in line with the head of the marriage which is the Almighty God.

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