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The Simplicity of Monogamy

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When I was in my early 20’s I went out with three guys at the same time. Yes I had fun, and yes there was one that I always gave me a sense of fulfillment after we talked, because he was just so smart. We could talk for hours about the meaning of life, and I would leave the conversation inspired to be a better person. There was another one who would financially support any kind of date imaginable. We would go to places and spend hundreds of dollars, and in general we always had fun. Then there was the one who knew where to go to have fun, and was always available whenever I was bored or had a disagreement with one of the other two.

The honest truth is that I had a lot of fun with the three of them. And I can see why young ladies today may be interested in having multiple boyfriends. Times are hard. You may be passionately and madly in love with one guy but he doesn’t have a car, or any money to take you out. You may be intrigued by the idea that you’re dating an engineer, or a lawyer, so you keep one of those around. You may have always imagined yourself with the tall, dark and handsome guy who just happens to be a singer/songwriter/poet, and so you also keep him around. After all they’re all nice, they all treat you pretty well, and they all help you not to be so bored.

But let me tell you how my story ended. I am currently not dating any of those guys. I’m not dating any of those guys because when I finally decided that I wanted to settle down with one of them, I didn’t know how to do that. Every time we got into a disagreement, I would call one of the other guys. Every time he tried to talk to me or tell me how much he loved me, I would remember one of the other guys saying similar things. Any time we got into a disagreement I would wonder if I picked the right guy, or if I made a mistake…and you know what I would do, I would tell him how much better the other guys treated me.

The best thing about that story is that after that experience I took some years off from the dating scene. My way of thinking about relationships was just horrible, and I knew that if I didn’t get my mind straight I would never be in the healthy relationship, and the healthy marriage that I wanted to eventually have.

If I could go back in time I would tell myself so many things. I would say to myself:
Baby girl, it may seem like monogamy is dead, since you have all these men desiring you now. It may seem like monogamy is boring, since having multiple guys and keeping them all a secret is a game that keeps you going. It may seem like monogamy is for the inexperienced, since they always say that “practice makes perfect.” I realized that I won’t be “hot cake” forever, and this sexy body will soon be gone.

When these same men that are pursuing you for your body (and for whatever else you offer them) leave you, you will remember that nice guy that was always there for you, always listening to you, always caring about you, always taking care of you, telling you how much he loves you, telling you how he wants to marry you, telling you how beautiful you are, telling you that he cares more about you than about your bod. You will remember that nice guy and wonder what would have happened if you had settled down with him. You will wonder about why all those people in their hot monogamy are enjoying their hot shawawawawow (my super-secret euphemism for sex) with guys who have decided that they would like to grow old with their women, and have chosen to love their women for ALL we have to offer – and yes that includes hot shawawawawow.

But since I can’t go back in time, I will just share the rest of my story with you. He, the one I wanted to be with, was engaged and happily married within a year after we broke up. And me, the one who was having too much fun having many man-friends, is alone at home on a Friday night, writing this article.

Photo credit: Millzero Photography
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Osayi Osar-Emokpae is looking forward to the day when she can have hot monogamous shawawawow with her husband. She is an author, speaker, creative genius, social media enthusiast, and some other cool stuff. She is passionate about changing the world by changing herself, and spreading the contagion. You can get a free excerpt of her book here: “Impossible is Stupid,” a book that encourages singles in their search for fulfillment and for finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Follow her on twitter, facebook, or subscribe to her blog. Free book excerpt: http://impossibleisstupid.com
Facebook: https://twitter.com/iyasostuff|Twitter: https://www.facebook.com/iyasostuff|Blog: http://iyasostuff.com

Osayi is the Author of Impossible is Stupid (a book about living a fabulous life in every season), and she writes about how you can live a fulfilling life even if things don't turn out the way you expected them to. You can connect with her and find out more - https://OsayiLasisi.com

32 Comments

  1. X factor

    October 15, 2012 at 11:37 am

    hawt!

  2. praise

    October 15, 2012 at 12:04 pm

    so u stopped playing because you realized that you beauty might someday diminish. gtfoh

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      October 15, 2012 at 1:38 pm

      You gtfoh, take your head out of your arse and LISTEN to what she’s preaching. It takes courage to publicly admit where you went wrong with your past and to use your experiences to advice young people not to make the same mistakes. I wish more women in my generation would open the f**k up and tell young girls THE TRUTH. We see them making the same mistakes and we keep quiet because we’re so ashamed to say how we did the same thing when we were younger. But, of course, that doesn’t include the Super-Judgemental Nigerians like you who’ve kept their ish clean throughout their entire living history… MTTCHHHEEWWWW

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 3:56 pm

      Thank you Mz. Social Awkward. 🙂

    • Anonymous

      October 15, 2012 at 5:23 pm

      On point.

  3. Berry Choco Latte

    October 15, 2012 at 12:07 pm

    Awwwwwwwwwwww

  4. Kiki N

    October 15, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    What makes you think that he isn’t also alone or wishing he was on a Friday night…marriage doesn’t automatically equal happiness. Glad you came to your senses but be grateful for your own journey, it’s made you wiser today and don’t dwell on ‘what-ifs’.

    • Purpleicious Babe

      October 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm

      I agree with this line “marriage doesn’t automatically equal happiness”.

      I got the point of the article…. we live to learn.. nice write up.xx

      http://lifeinstagesdoz.blogspot.co.uk/

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 3:54 pm

      So true, Marriage doesn’t equal happiness, but that’s why I said “happily married.”
      But I appreciate the encouragement. Thank you 🙂

  5. popo

    October 15, 2012 at 12:33 pm

    there was a time when i had three boyfriends too everything i wanted in a man was present in the 3 of them put together but absent when dey stand individually……… i loved it them becos shawawawawow was gpod with all of them i ended up breakin up with the 3 now i have one that makes me happy even tho he is nt everytin i want in a man i just biliv we can work on it to make it a success and by the way the shawawawawow was good afta giving him the 90 days no sex rule……

  6. Deedee

    October 15, 2012 at 2:14 pm

    Jeeez I almost felt like she was talking to me. Tis so easy to be carried away with the fact that you are desired and can almost get anything you want from men. And with people advising you not to put all your eggs in one basket. Great article.

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 3:58 pm

      Thanks Deedee, I’m glad it spoke to you.

  7. Chattyzee

    October 15, 2012 at 2:59 pm

    awwwww this was so pure, honest and straight from the heart. You have obviously learnt your lesson and that’s great.
    But as a word of encouragement from me to you, I’ll tell you what my pastor tells me. “If you’ve ever lost something, and you thought it was your best, you are wrong. Your best is yet to come.” Remember that your latter will be greater. Love.

    http://dprodigalchild.wordpress.com/

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 4:38 pm

      Thanks Chattyzee. You’re so right.
      Maybe next time I’ll gist you some more…

  8. Phylia

    October 15, 2012 at 3:33 pm

    Made a lotta sense, the lessons lie in between the lines of this write up. Was a good read too.

  9. Mana

    October 15, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    To regret is the worst thing on this earth, but you are still young and God will never forget you! ” The best is yet to come”

    http://www.finest-in-internet.com/

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 6:32 pm

      aww thanks Mana! No I don’t have regrets, it has been a great learning experience. I just had been hearing a lot about Monogamy being dead, so I wanted to share my experience with other young ladies.
      Thank you for the kind words 🙂

  10. Okechukwu Ofili

    October 15, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    hot shawawawow!

    • Osayi

      October 15, 2012 at 7:10 pm

      LOL!

  11. aleesha

    October 15, 2012 at 7:18 pm

    Osayi thanks for sharing your story. thumbs up to you for telling it like it is, and being so honest about your feelings. It’s great to hear someone say something positive about marriage besides ‘marriage is overrated’ I happen to think its an awesome gift from God, and just like you, I look forward to a lifetime of white hot shawawawawawow and so much more with my man. 😀

  12. Kika

    October 15, 2012 at 8:52 pm

    If you’re worried about losing your sexy body before you’ve even had any kids (I’m assuming), you might want to invest in a personal trainer.

    • Osayi

      October 16, 2012 at 9:02 pm

      Kika! such a great comment. I like the positive suggestion.
      No I’m not so worried about losing my “sexy body”… The gist of it is that I need to remind myself that my body won’t always look the way it is now. So I need to be with someone who cares more about me, than about my body…
      But I wouldn’t mind having a personal trainer… #somethingtoconsider 🙂

  13. Sugabelly

    October 16, 2012 at 7:45 am

    Why are people always “advising” women but never men? Would anybody EVER write this same article advising men not to date multiple women at once. Yeah right.

    • Ginika

      October 16, 2012 at 12:10 pm

      We get hit the most and we can be easily deceived, that is in general. Also when we commit, we usually really, really commit upto a point it doesnt make much sense 🙂 generally speaking.

    • Osayi

      October 16, 2012 at 8:58 pm

      Sugabelly, you have a point there. I can’t speak for other people, but I know that I write to women because I’m a woman, and I speak from my own personal experiences. And I know that relationships can be especially hard on women.
      We are constantly battling between what we feel and think, what our peers expect from us, and what society expects from us.
      So I share my opinion, because experience can be a painful teacher. I would personally rather learn from other people’s experiences than my own, so if one person can learn something, it’s worth it.
      Hope that helps. Thanks for the comment 🙂

  14. M

    October 16, 2012 at 10:05 am

    Love the honesty

    • Osayi

      October 16, 2012 at 8:59 pm

      Thanks M 🙂

  15. huh?

    October 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm

    I still can’t believe it a true life story…..wowwwwwwww

    • Osayi

      October 16, 2012 at 9:00 pm

      Girl, there are many stories like this out there, but we as women are often too ashamed to share anything that may make us look bad… but then our younger sisters can’t learn from us…

  16. csl

    October 17, 2012 at 9:21 am

    from a physicians POV, pls [re]search the causes of cervical cancer……… my 2 kobo

    • Osayi

      October 17, 2012 at 4:12 pm

      LOL! Please educate us what is the cause of cervical cancer?

  17. 'Mo

    October 19, 2012 at 10:37 am

    Lol! Yes, pls educate us on d causes of cervical cancer. My dear Osayi, i salute ur honesty o jare! We all make mistakes but d most important thing is to learn from them. By d way, u’re cracking me up with dat ” hot shawawawawow”.

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