When I was in my early 20’s I went out with three guys at the same time. Yes I had fun, and yes there was one that I always gave me a sense of fulfillment after we talked, because he was just so smart. We could talk for hours about the meaning of life, and I would leave the conversation inspired to be a better person. There was another one who would financially support any kind of date imaginable. We would go to places and spend hundreds of dollars, and in general we always had fun. Then there was the one who knew where to go to have fun, and was always available whenever I was bored or had a disagreement with one of the other two.
The honest truth is that I had a lot of fun with the three of them. And I can see why young ladies today may be interested in having multiple boyfriends. Times are hard. You may be passionately and madly in love with one guy but he doesn’t have a car, or any money to take you out. You may be intrigued by the idea that you’re dating an engineer, or a lawyer, so you keep one of those around. You may have always imagined yourself with the tall, dark and handsome guy who just happens to be a singer/songwriter/poet, and so you also keep him around. After all they’re all nice, they all treat you pretty well, and they all help you not to be so bored.
But let me tell you how my story ended. I am currently not dating any of those guys. I’m not dating any of those guys because when I finally decided that I wanted to settle down with one of them, I didn’t know how to do that. Every time we got into a disagreement, I would call one of the other guys. Every time he tried to talk to me or tell me how much he loved me, I would remember one of the other guys saying similar things. Any time we got into a disagreement I would wonder if I picked the right guy, or if I made a mistake…and you know what I would do, I would tell him how much better the other guys treated me.
The best thing about that story is that after that experience I took some years off from the dating scene. My way of thinking about relationships was just horrible, and I knew that if I didn’t get my mind straight I would never be in the healthy relationship, and the healthy marriage that I wanted to eventually have.
If I could go back in time I would tell myself so many things. I would say to myself:
Baby girl, it may seem like monogamy is dead, since you have all these men desiring you now. It may seem like monogamy is boring, since having multiple guys and keeping them all a secret is a game that keeps you going. It may seem like monogamy is for the inexperienced, since they always say that “practice makes perfect.” I realized that I won’t be “hot cake” forever, and this sexy body will soon be gone.
When these same men that are pursuing you for your body (and for whatever else you offer them) leave you, you will remember that nice guy that was always there for you, always listening to you, always caring about you, always taking care of you, telling you how much he loves you, telling you how he wants to marry you, telling you how beautiful you are, telling you that he cares more about you than about your bod. You will remember that nice guy and wonder what would have happened if you had settled down with him. You will wonder about why all those people in their hot monogamy are enjoying their hot shawawawawow (my super-secret euphemism for sex) with guys who have decided that they would like to grow old with their women, and have chosen to love their women for ALL we have to offer – and yes that includes hot shawawawawow.
But since I can’t go back in time, I will just share the rest of my story with you. He, the one I wanted to be with, was engaged and happily married within a year after we broke up. And me, the one who was having too much fun having many man-friends, is alone at home on a Friday night, writing this article.
Photo credit: Millzero Photography
Osayi Osar-Emokpae is looking forward to the day when she can have hot monogamous shawawawow with her husband. She is an author, speaker, creative genius, social media enthusiast, and some other cool stuff. She is passionate about changing the world by changing herself, and spreading the contagion. You can get a free excerpt of her book here: “Impossible is Stupid,” a book that encourages singles in their search for fulfillment and for finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. Follow her on twitter, facebook, or subscribe to her blog. Free book excerpt: http://impossibleisstupid.com
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