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BN Hot Topic: Having Kids… With or Without a Man

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My friend, Mo, asked me to come and rescue him from what he called an “irritating situation”. I was to show up in exactly 2 and half minutes and ask him to come and buy Sharwarma for me; that way the person bugging him would have no choice but to go away. So, I did as I was told but I had to know what exactly the person was saying to him. Apparently, the guy was preaching about how Mo needed to settle down and start a family so he wouldn’t be the oldest person at his son’s graduation. “That’s all? That’s what you dragged me out here to come and save you from? Women deal with this stuff EVERYDAY son! Deal with it!”

The issue of this ticking biological clock is something we deal with everyday because with every second that passes, we’re getting older. Last week, Spanish model and sister to actress, Penelope Cruz, Monica Cruz gave birth to a baby girl. 36 year old Monica told the press that she had always dreamed of having her own child and she decided to go for artificial insemination. As a single woman, it is something I have always thought of as requiring a lot of bravery.

It is often said that a woman’s chances of being fertile begins to decline immediately she hits 35 and you find a lot of women rushing into marriages because they want to have children but they don’t want to do it outside of wedlock. Unfortunately, there are times when there’s no husband in the horizon and these women still want to have children. Surely, one cannot begrudge a woman who feels the impulse to be a mother. I know of a woman whose husband died and they didn’t have children together.  A few years after he died, she got pregnant and had a little girl. The prying eyes of the world wanted to know who the father of her child was and her response to them was “It is none of your business. I want a child to love and care for but I’m not ready to emotionally commit to another long term relationship/marriage”.

I have an aunty who was unlucky in love so she adopted two kids. Her son got married last December and her daughter is graduating this year from medical school. There’s a certain glow around her and she always attributes it to the stars of her life – her children. She didn’t let anything hold her back from getting what she always wanted. There were a lot of people who questioned her decision and called her names but she always stuck to her decision.

There are a lot of professional, beautiful and smart women today who want to take the leap and just go with their natural instinct for nurture because they want to do it while they are physically and mentally able to do so. However, they’re second-guessing themselves because of societal and cultural “norms”.

There are so many more stories that I could share with you but I think I’ve gotten a certain point across. Should society determine whether or not we should have kids? What’s the origin of the stigma behind having children out of wedlock in any situation? Who determines the right time to have children? Marriage, religion or family?

Let’s discuss!

Photo Credit: madamenoire.com

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

66 Comments

  1. Gboromiro

    June 6, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    The right time to have kids is before you loose all your eggs!!!!

    • SleektouchBigBoldBeautiful

      June 6, 2013 at 3:09 pm

      GBAM!!!u have said it finish. lol

    • Neo

      June 6, 2013 at 3:53 pm

      The “right time” to have kids is when you are mentally ready and financially ready to take on the responsibilities that come with child bearing/rearing. The biological aspect is just the limitational aspect of it. There are people who have kids because they get married and it seems like the next step even without being mentally or financially ready. Then you see people who cannot take care of their kids, who forget that being a amother is not all about dressing up your kid in cute outfits. I had a friend who got married and had her first kid at 17, an age where she still wanted to party all night and sleep till 2am, so she’d leave her baby with her mother in law, till the woman decided she’d had enough. She had a harsh wake up call and had to cope with looking after a child. Today her daughter is 9 and she says she isnt ready to have another kid.

      As much as i love babies and want one ( man assisted or no man assisted) I know that i’m not mentally ready yet and when i do feel I’m ready (married or unmarried) I will make the decision and go ahead with it, who no like can feel free take soak-away do jacuzzi! Anytime i feel broody all i have to do is watch one of those labour videos and my brain resets automatically!

    • Nonye

      June 6, 2013 at 4:43 pm

      So true!!!!!!!

  2. b

    June 6, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Whenever you and your partner are ready. I have friends that are married and still taking chills on the baby thingy. Some of them will say, they want to enjoy themselves first or they are not really settled yet to start bringing up kids.

  3. b

    June 6, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Different strokes for different folks. Go with what suits you!

    • Bunmi

      June 7, 2013 at 2:12 am

      I say f*ck societal and cultural norms and pay attention to your conscience. These norms are man made and were made to place women at a disadvantage therefore you can do what your heart tells you. It will not be easy but be wise, strong and don’t live your life with regrets. We are the ones who enjoy or suffer from whatever decisions we make. Stop living your lives for people.
      Having the right partner is more important than rushing into a marriage because of pressure. Some women will rather be in faux marriages all in name of having a husband and being a Mrs. Too many married women cannot remember the last time they were intimate with their husbands.
      Nigerians should develop an open minded attitude towards adopting children the same way they are receptive to Brazilian women’s hair derived from charity and other foreign products/ lifestyle. There are too many beautiful children and future stars in need of stable homes. Be wise not desperate.

  4. Retrochic

    June 6, 2013 at 2:59 pm

    lmao

  5. loveth .O

    June 6, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    if some one is able to take care of a family

  6. b

    June 6, 2013 at 3:16 pm

    @Gboromiro do you want to run out of eggsp?? hahaha

  7. Tolu

    June 6, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Society??? Honestly, I sorry for the person that lets Society dictate to them what decisions to make. To each his own. Everyone should make the choices that suit them. I am in my early thirties, have a great job which enables me to earn good money, a great cook, a caring person, quite attractive, got curves some of my friends wish they had, and I’m single. Do I want to get married and have kids? Yes. Do I want to be a single mother? No. I want the whole package. That is what I WANT. Nobody knows tomorrow, but as of June 2013 I would like a husband and kids. BUT I am not willing to just marry the next guy all in the name of starting a family. I have standards, desires and expectations. Life is challenging enough as it is. Why get married to a man who will only contribute to my problems all in the name of having kids? That is not a healthy environment to bring a child into. These are my choices, I do not allow society dictate anything to me.

    My happiness and peace of mind mean too much to me for me to take such actions. Would I judge another woman for marrying a man just so she can have kids? No. To each his/her own. Being a single mother is not easy. If you that is what you want then by all means go for it. Do what makes you happy. But if it was not planned for, my dear that one get as e be! My friend who is also in her thirties found out she was pregnant last year. The guy told her to abort. Babe no gree, so d guy don waka. He basically dumped her because she got pregnant with his sperm!!!! My friend is now the mother of an adorable baby boy. She did not plan it this way at all. But she is doing a great job at it. As one would expect, she was totally heartbroken when the guy dumped her. But she made up her mind to keep the child regardless of what her family members said, not to even talk of society. The babe doesn’t care that single mothers are still frowned upon and is doing her thing. Till today even her parents do not know who the father of their grand son is.

    So my pple, abeg forget society. The society that is praising you today, will be the first ones to tear you apart at the first opportunity they get.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 6, 2013 at 4:24 pm

      But… “it is a wa oh” as my refined pidgin speakers dey talk. So, regarding this your friend’s matta, the bros had the effontry to suggest abortion to a woman in her 30s?? That na winch he be & God forgive me but let him remember what he said & did, if some years later, he marry, come dey find pikin. Bastard.

      I hate selfish men. AS IN, I LOATHE SELFISH MEN!!!!!! Monkeys, the lot of them…

    • Idak

      June 6, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      they are no worse than selfish women. Sincerely,selfishness has no gender barrier.

    • lx

      June 6, 2013 at 8:22 pm

      Your friend is such a strong woman. My younger sister got pregnant just out of high school. I thought then that that was the end of her dreams and will never make it to college. But she was determined and worked hard to earn a degree and is now married to a great guy. From your comment, i think any good guy would like to date a girl like you. I have always thought that age is just a number. I date a girl because I like and is attracted to her not because she is older or younger.

    • Idak

      June 6, 2013 at 10:19 pm

      that guy head no correct. that is just my definition of irresponsibility. How can you have unprotected sex and not be ready to bear the consequences,thereafter? All these problems can be avoided via condoms. Condoms are hugely underrated. Pls don’t tell me about broken condoms. They happen less often than folks claim.

  8. Funmi

    June 6, 2013 at 3:21 pm

    Whenever you are ready. I am sooo ready. Even without a husband.

  9. Theresa

    June 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    People will always talk, regardless of what you do. I think women in such positions, should do it because they want it, regardless of the sneers from ‘over sabi’ people. I know of two single ladies in their 40s, who simply adopted baby girls, when they realized they could not bear any children. Both are very happy and content now. Of course people talked, as usual, but they paid them no heed. They are happy, their daughters are happy, and that’s what counts. Life is short, it will so sad for us to remain miserable because we are afraid of what people will say when we make decisions that give us & others happiness.

  10. TONI

    June 6, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    i am so sick and tired of this hypocritical country we call Nigeria,am married and been trying to have kids for like 7yrs,i just left a pastor’s office telling him if hubby and i are intimate regularly,am sure i will have at least one child by now,we do not have any medical issues and it’s so frustrating,am ready to adopt but he does not think it’s right,when i can’t take it anymore am gonna adopt,omeone i know just had a duaghter at 49,apparently hubby was against adopting ,so they did ivf and i hear the hubby regrets that they did not adopt initially ,my hubby seems to be concerned abt what people will say but am determined to do my thing and live my life,people shld mind der – business,i hate our level of pocknosing in this country,gosh

    • Amaka

      June 6, 2013 at 3:59 pm

      I know how you feel dear. My elder sis has been married for 6years and my closest cousin for 4years and they both don’t have any child. I used to live with my elder sister cos her house was closer to where i work but i had to move out cos it was emotionally taxing for me having to console her morning and night, not forgetting my cousin who also calls regularly everytime she needs a shoulder. Four months ago, my cousin started the adoption process and God willing, by end of june, she would have a lovely little girl. I have begged my sister to consider going the adoption route but all she talks about is what people would say. I told her they are already talking, they are already saying you’v been married 6years without a child, they are already saying you are barren, they are already saying maybe you aborted all your children before you got married(meanwhile, she got married at 21 as a V!), so I asked her why she should be bothered about ‘people’ and her adopted child. Would show her this article over the weekend and I pray she reconsiders her decision cos my sis deserves sooo very much to be happy.

    • Idak

      June 6, 2013 at 10:08 pm

      I will personally say a word of prayer for your sister. She needs courage above all else.
      Meanwhile what of her husband? He should be able to make her see reason. Nothing pains me like couples who wait until they are in their 40s and 50s before adopting. My aunty is 54 and her husband is 65. Their adopted daughter is barely 4 years old. That just ain’t right.

    • Miss Anonymous

      June 13, 2013 at 12:12 pm

      The Yoruba’s have a saying “ori omo lo n p’omo wa” meaning if you are looking to have a child and you surround yourself with other kids, sooner than later yours will come. I think you should consider adoption in agreement with your husband though not against his will. For all you know, since you’re both medically fit, adoption may take your mind away from all the anxiety and worry about the lack of a child, which in turn may hasten your own conception.
      All the best!

  11. Lisa

    June 6, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    Well said Tolu!!

  12. Adelola

    June 6, 2013 at 4:06 pm

    Hmmmm, oma ga o. As for me Adelola, I do whatever makes me happy regardless of what any silly being has to say bourrit. No matter how hard you try, people will always pick holes…buh seriously,it aint nobody’s business.

  13. hmm

    June 6, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    the earlier we start caring less about what people will say about us, the better for us. infact, i believe you really start living when you can do what agrees with your spirit and pleases you. i believe what is responsible for the stigma against adoption is that we are selfish people, thinking about ourselves alone. we need to love others to the extent of bringing join to them and changing their lives. i always have this personal joy each time i watch this film- The Blindside, it taught me that one can adopt even when you have children of your own. i pray for those waiting on God to have their pretty soon. cheers…

    • nene

      June 6, 2013 at 10:28 pm

      true talk!

  14. Iretidayo

    June 6, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    Abeg,which kind of twisted society would say bad things about someone adopting? Anyone that does needs to go for some serious deliverance.Can you imagine?! Mshew!

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      June 6, 2013 at 4:30 pm

      My dear, I was also reading that statement right there about the lady in her 40s adopting and wondering exactly what kind of twisted minds would make that one a matter to gossip about.
      Instead of them to rejoice that 3 people have found joy – the woman that was formerly alone and two children who now have a home? Evil people abound.

  15. pynk

    June 6, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    I think people should have kids when they are emotionally ready. For those that have been married and seeking the fruit of the womb, i wish you luck and godspeed. Someone very close to me had to end up adopting, but she waited till she was 50 and she says she regrets waiting that long. I think women we tend to do ourselves in, instead of supporting each other’s decisions, we tear them down. We dont speak to each other openly; a friend recently got diagnosed with early ovarian failure @ 30, that means she has no eggs, oddly enough we look alike, and she said she has to get an egg donor, i offered. Not because i am selfless, but bcos i will try to support her dreams of being a mother if i can. I believe God works through us human beings.

    • kind anon

      June 6, 2013 at 4:40 pm

      God bless you!

  16. Bolanle

    June 6, 2013 at 4:21 pm

    Hmmm…

    I have been battling with this mentally for a while.

    I have a cousin (whom I call my sister since we grew up under the same roof) who just had a baby. She has been out of work since the huge banks’ shakeup of 2009. While she worked in a new generation bank she loved the high life – high end phones, luxury bags and shoes, expensive clothes, makeup, accessories etc. Then she had no desire to have children and complained bitterly when family members put pressure on her to ‘just have a baby’ as something to hold on to.

    Now, she’s in her mid-forties, out of work and decided to have a baby, and she did. She bowed to societal pressure and the mentality that one isn’t complete without offspring. The baby was born with some congenital issues and she has to constantly attend to the baby’s needs.

    However, she is mentally and financially incapable of taking care of this baby. Each time I see the child I feel grieved in my spirit because I know that the baby was born out of the need to be counted among those ‘fulfilled’ in life.

    We do not need to keep up in the area of having children; mental, spiritual and financial capability is needed. I pray when the time comes for me I can be as objective as now that I am on the outside looking in.

  17. M9

    June 6, 2013 at 4:32 pm

    neo,toni,tolu,theresa and amaka you all made sense, amaka,please pray fervently for your sister, God will lead her to make the right decision(s). we thank God for the enlightened ones amongst us.

  18. sush

    June 6, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Love this topic cause i am getting to that point where i want more kids – have one as a teenager and he is now a teen himself- but do not want to have another out of wedlock. i am trying hard not to rush into marriage ie marrying the wrong guy cause i feel i am approaching menopause. i however have left everything to fate and if by my 38 birthday i am not married, i will surely adopt.

  19. kind anon

    June 6, 2013 at 4:39 pm

    Love this article! I have a sneaking suspicion that out generation will change the role of women in Nigeria. A lot of women are already rebelling against the whole you need a man to make you worthy mentality. Whether single, married, divorced, widowed, unlucky in love, these women are daring to be happy and the only people growing grey hair are the judgmental members of society! Women in our generation are finally taking a stand and not letting anyone define our purpose in life. Power to us! xo

  20. Moi

    June 6, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    I couldn’t agree more with this! I believe everyone has a right to whatever makes them happy, as long as they can take responsibility for that thing. I am in my early 30s and not married or dating yet. Anytime I talk about insemination or IVF via donor sperm, people think I’ve gone ballistic! I think people should be free to pursue their own happiness, as long as they can be responsible. It really would make the world a better place. As as for the kids not having a ‘father’, my mother wasn’t inseminated but I only saw my faher like 3 times all my life. The 4th time I saw him was in his coffin, so what gives. Like my Uncle M always tells me, we are too straight jacketed in these parts. Life is too short to be considering (too much) of what people (will) say. You only live once and your life should be about the pursuit of happiness!

    • kind anon

      June 6, 2013 at 4:54 pm

      Why are u discussing your life plans with people? There lies ur problem, u are seeking approval

    • Guys Perspective

      June 6, 2013 at 6:13 pm

      Therein lies your problem discussing topics such as this with people around you, especially when you probably can foretell what their opinions will be.. I am as liberal as they come, so there are so many topics I don’t bring up around several family members and friends. Anytime people ask me about marriage and the likes, I have a ready made answer for them, “ko ni pe mo” meaning it will happen in its due time or appointed time…

  21. Mz Socially Awkward...

    June 6, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    Okay, I’m going to address this real quick. Children are not like a dog for christmas that a young boy/girl typically wants, realises 2 months later they can’t really manage the responsiblity for and then gives away to the nearest animal shelter.

    Children are a commitment and I don’t care how old your damn eggs are, do not have children unless you are ready to take on the responsibility of being a parent. You can foster someone else’s child – there are plenty in your village to choose from or even in one of those charity organizations not far from you. Just drop money, pay visits, send christmas gifts. That will be enough for your temporary urge.

    For women who decide, however, that they are ready to get pregnant and don’t have a man… *sigh* … this is where it gets difficult because I know one thing for sure. Single parenthood is harddddddd. Even though you’re making enough money and you’re emotionally there and you know you can manage, my “sixtas”, that ish is a difficult road to travel. I won’t advice any woman to do it and apologise in advance if that makes me a bit myopic but I truly believe you need a proper partnership of both figures in the life of your child. Some women have to head in that direction without planning to because they lost husbands through death or divorce but I don’t think any woman should voluntarily say “yes, this is what I want, to heck with it, just give me a sperm donor”. As a deliberate decision, that is only the heat of the moment talking, not common sense.

    Regarding adoption on the other hand… see why I said it gets difficult? I would endorse a single girl of a certain age heading towards 40 or beyond to adopt a baby if that’s possible. See, the way I view things, with a natural baby there is always the issue of the man. He may have been in a relationship with you or he may be Mr. Anonymous sperm donor but my honest opinion is the situation with the male other half of your baby can really tend to get in the way. I’ve seen a certain bitterness in my single friends who didn’t end up raising their kids with the natural dads, and it wrenches my heart for both mum and baby. With adoption though, you’re basically doing one of the most loving things you can do as a human being by extending love wholeheartedly to a child who needs you. And can adoption be also a selfish decision? Oh, yes, it can but trust me, the rigors of the adoption process will cause the less-than-fully-convinced to fall before the last hurdle, which makes it even a more determined act of love from my perspective.

    Is any of this making sense? Because I’m not sure I’m explaining things exactly the way I want to (5pm looms and I gotta bounce from this joint). But these are just my 2pence worth of opinions….

    • Neo

      June 6, 2013 at 5:38 pm

      I get your point and agree with you to a large extent. HOWEVER, I am an advocate for subjectivity. We all have differing levels of grace and maturity. I have seen kids born into “conventional” homes on one hand and products of single parents on the other, if one parent from either situation is bad thats it.

      Single parenting is hard i know, you will answer difficult questions, face difficult situations but such situations can also arise in conventional homes. Child rearing is a test of our character, having a child is something that evokes this feeling of total selflessness (in most normal human beings) It is something that makes you love someone more than yourself, I know most of the mothers in my life would readily die for their children. Its that kind of commitment, taking full responsibility for another individual.

      If i choose the single mother route or life just happens to get me there I would go the biological route not because I think I would love my own child more but because I want the entire experience, the gynormous bump, swollen ankles and waddling. If and only if that doesnt work, will i consider adoption or adoption in addition to.

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      June 6, 2013 at 10:24 pm

      I get you on the quest for remaining subjective. *sigh* Life just gets more complicated in our 30s and ish happens; I guess the point I’m trying to get across with my long story up there is that making decisions like this as a celibate woman means one invariably has a lot more clarity about what’s really going to go down – hence my preference for adoption if it comes down to brass tacks. I see your point though about wanting your own offspring. May the Lord help us all.

    • BabyDee

      June 6, 2013 at 7:31 pm

      Just be quiet abeg; ain’t nobody got time for your shinanigans today..

    • Mz Socially Awkward....

      June 6, 2013 at 10:02 pm

      And ain’t nobody got time for your rudeness today, so hush, child (“shinanigans”??).

      I come to BN because I like the social forum it presents for discussing certain topics for “the now” and enjoy the (sometimes) intelligent debate those topics spark off.

      As I’ve just sounded my own particular opinion, please feel free to do the same, if you have one to share. Otherwise, I strongly commend that you continue to keep your ignorance shrouded in mystery.

    • Idak

      June 6, 2013 at 10:30 pm

      on this one,i agree with you completely.

    • Prime babes

      June 11, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      Did i say before now how much i loved you? lol. I Agree 98%- and that’s cos i didn’t write it myself 🙂

    • luxgal

      July 8, 2013 at 12:21 am

      Mz Socially Awkward, I totally agree with you.
      1. Marriage shouldnt be rushed into, its a lifetime commitment. Who wants to be committed to misery just to please others. Take your time and find your match.
      2. Bearing and rearing children is a lifetime commit like marriage, but there is no opt-out option, so make decisions wisely as possible. Life does happen but its also YOUR life which means that we have some kind of control over what happens and what doesnt happen.
      3. Single motherhood by circumstance is a honorable position, its extremely difficult and challeneging role for any woman and/or man.
      3. Adoption is a beautiful thing when done out of love for the child you are adopting and not to fulfill a society norm.
      But where my concern is, is for women who choose/actively volunteer to go into motherhood alone. It may be that you cant find the right mate, you may be at an age where you dont want to wait any longer or you just want a baby without hassle. But the most important sinlge factor that isnt being address is the CHILD. How willl the child feel knowing that they have a dad/father but do not know him? From my peers that I know who were raised in a single family home, they still long to know their dads. They feel like apart of them is missing or incomplete. These are things to think about when you actively choose to volunteer into single motherhood alone.
      Just some thoughts……..

  22. daisy

    June 6, 2013 at 5:07 pm

    marriage isnt a do or die thing… when i think about my shallow minded in-laws sef i want to just quit.

  23. KH

    June 6, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    Pls advice oh..My dream has always been to have halfcast pikin. I want to do artificial insemnatn but My Bobo wey no be Oyibo wan make we marry. i no love am like dat but family and all like him and he is a great guy but really I prefer to be alone cuz it’s more peaceful and I can make decisions on my own too. I dont know how to tell my family that this is what I want bcos they will think I am insane plus the guy loves me to bits, very handsome but aint Mr perfect. I just clocked 30. Pls advice guys…

    • ma

      June 6, 2013 at 8:02 pm

      Really? Why don’t you do what’s best for you.

    • nene

      June 6, 2013 at 10:29 pm

      “halfcast” pikin. nawa for some people.

    • iwa

      June 6, 2013 at 11:20 pm

      You do know that not all bi-racial kids turn out looking like the typical half-caste kid right? They can turn out looking 100% like one of their parents.

    • Bliss

      June 7, 2013 at 8:30 pm

      She can always give the pikin up for adoption it turns out not to be akata sorry mulatto. LOL!

  24. jenny

    June 6, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    Having Kids… With or Without a Man. You will be alright.

  25. NIRA

    June 6, 2013 at 8:15 pm

    I’m a 30 year old single mum to an 18 month old girl, best decision I ever made. If you listen to society, you’ll never do what you want to do. Ppl must talk, whatever you do, so it’s all about what you want to do. If I’m still single at 35, I’ll adopt another child. Life is too short to live it trying to please the society.

  26. Paige

    June 6, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    I have always told my mum, I will adopt if I don’t get married by 30. She is very against it, She says what if the adopted child has bad genes like madness. So its not even the society that will talk against it, Am sure most parents will talk and be against it too like my mum. Am very confused.

  27. Mitchell

    June 6, 2013 at 10:42 pm

    Gosh there are no easy answers. I can only speak for myself. I want the whole package. Marriage to a man I love, kids. But if marriage doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me as I get older, I’ll not hesitate to adopt. I’m not going to settle for just any man just because I want to have kids. That way lies misery. I’ll adopt and won’t pay any heed to what “society” says.

  28. CaliforniaBawler

    June 7, 2013 at 12:03 am

    Mum: Baby you are getting old..
    Me: Would you rather have me dead, ’cause you know thats the only alternative to aging..
    Mum: (laughing her face off) you are a very stupid child
    Another biological clock sermon diverted!! phew!!!!
    As much as this conversation was funny, between my mum and I we knew I was saying the truth especially with our recent family history. My mum’s only sister died a couple of years ago from pregnancy related complications. she had married mid-30’s and that was her first baby. Trust that we got a lot of opinion laced condolence messages….e.g.
    We would get statements like “Eeya If only she had married earlier she wouldn’t have had those complications” I’m like, shuu, my friend’s wife just passed away at 25 from the same gaddam thing. Also (this is me being weird sha) what if “destiny” is real, and she was always supposed to die from such complications, hence her reluctance to start a family in the first instance
    We also had more people empathize with the fact that the baby didn’t survive than they did my aunty (oh if only the baby survived she would at least have a ‘legacy’) I’m like, daphack!! How on earth would you prefer the baby you don’t even know to someone that stayed with us 35 years!! I wonder if dead folks in heaven/hell give a rats-behind about some legacy o.
    Having a child is a risk, what if you have kids and irrespective of how well you try they still turn out to be gangsters?
    May God bless every woman that wants a child with one, but at the same time like the yoruba people say ” If you have a child, you get buried by a child, if you don’t have a child you still get buried by a child”

  29. Penny

    June 7, 2013 at 9:28 am

    I have been married for 2 years and no sign of a baby, i started my MBA and I discussed with hubby that we will get an IVF after my course and he agreed. Society (friends, family, etc) keep asking when will be see the little feet and i say to some people; ‘am waiting to see how your children turn out before I have mine’. Some feel insulted but I don’t care. IVF, IUI, is God’s miracle to women who can’t get preggers the traditional way. Baby dust to all TTC and future TTCs.

  30. anonymous

    June 7, 2013 at 2:39 pm

    Story of my life. My husband died a year and a half into our marriage. Unfortunately, we didn’t have any kids before he died, although we were looking forward to them. I was devastated. Everyone immediately started trying to hook me up with new people, which I found weird, sickening and disturbing. Three years later, and people have largely left me alone (well apart from the few who call me up every now and then to remind me of my body clock, cheeky sods). For the most part, I am emotionally stable again but honestly, I don’t know how possible it will be to ‘take on’ another man. Get used to their quirks. Get used to annoying habits. Love them. Love their families. Get used to their friends. Start playing all that nonsense dating game that I thought I had left behind. Get used to intimacy with another person. How will they perceive my driven nature? How well will they tolerate my shortcomings? How well will I tolerate theirs? I know I will constantly compare whoever to my late husband, and it will be an unfair comparison because I am biased. Yet I would sooo love to have a kid or two. Honestly, I begin to understand the mentality of some women who deliberately get pregnant for married men, knowing they will not marry them – because they don’t want marriage either! Not that I could ever do that (I no geti liver!), my family would have a fit- plus it would be selfish to deliberately deny a child a home with both parents to bring them up, or subjecting them to the inevitable drama that would happen once the man’s wife is in the know.

    So I come to my dilemma – should I give love another chance or just go ahead and have a child by myself either using donor sperm or simply by adopting? I have considered this so many times over and there’s no easy answer. I have already listed the negatives of starting over with someone new. For sperm donor business, I think of the future for the child. I don’t know if they would resent me for bringing them into a world with no father, not even an estranged one. I definitely would not want to know who my donor was so there would be no question of trying to find out. What if I found out and they’re a total monster? I have considered adoption too and trust me, I have a good heart, and a big one too even if I say so myself. I am capable of loving other people’s children, what with my dozen Godchildren but again I am so scared that if I adopted, I might just be unable to form that parental bond with an adopted child. Which would make it a disaster because it’s not the child’s fault they were born and adopted. What if the child doesn’t love me back, no matter how much love I give them?

    So you see, unless you are personally affected, it is easy to trot out clichéd advice about not listening to the world and just doing what you like. Life ain’t so black-and-white. As they say on facebook, it’s complicated.

    May all departed souls rest in peace.

    • slice

      June 7, 2013 at 4:19 pm

      Go ahead and try again. All the reasons you’ve mentioned not to try are fear related. and fear is never a good reason to do or not do anything. i fully sympathize with your loss. Go get it girl. go get your man and your future kids. I watched an episode of baby story on TLC. This lady had 4 kids with her husband before he died at 26 or 27. He was sooo cute. o boy. but he died. Anyway, another guy took interest and she now has another baby and seems so in love with new dude. The heart can heal and move on to love another if we let it. It will be hard but you can do it and the rewards are well worth it.

    • Jamce

      June 8, 2013 at 3:57 pm

      God bless you for the analysis and conclusion. You are a down to earth realist who chosen not to live a lie. While I understand your perspective, I would suggest that you give chance for another marriage. There are so many wonderful men out there and trust God to give you one of the best men around. Be rest assured too that God will give children that will give you so much joy.

  31. Stephanie

    June 7, 2013 at 8:48 pm

    I do not disagree or agree with the topic in this article, what it has made me do is think deeply and I haven’t read all the comments but has anyone in this thread even acknowledged a child’s need for a father?

    I believe in our crusade to do what we want and what makes us happy (me me me me) we must remember, another persons life and well being is at stake here…the child’s.

  32. Happy

    June 8, 2013 at 11:26 pm

    I have a dear friend that has been married for almost 10yrs without any child. Over the years I have been advising her on adopting and she was more worried about what people will say. I got her and her husband to start thinking differently that some people will do the nine months child bearing thing while others can give life to a child from their heart. They finally decided and today they are both blessed with a precious little baby that they gave life and so much love to. I was like a kid in a candy store shopping for our new addition. Our society should embrace adoption not only for those looking for children; if you have your own kids and still have room for more adopt; if you are an empty Nester and need company and someone to love adopt. That is the only way we can make this ill feeling about adoption obsolete. There are a lot of children in our country looking for moms and dads to love them.

  33. Omalicha

    June 10, 2013 at 2:42 pm

    There’s nothing wrong for married couples to adopt a child or children! I ll like to invite all women waiting on God for the fruit of d womb to David’s Christian center amuwo odofin near fagbems fuel station for a program tagged When Women Worship! Featuring lara george, David Nkenor, pita and many more great gospel ministers. Come expectant and recieve ur miracle

  34. Omalicha

    June 10, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    Both single and married women are invited

  35. kh

    June 10, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    What of my question? Una never give me better response o’

  36. Evilicious

    June 12, 2013 at 5:41 pm

    To answer to your last question, God! thats all

  37. kayman

    July 10, 2013 at 10:30 am

    kh i like ur dream but i always consider ladies dat have guys dat they know really love them, just luv him back marry n get kids. with proper care and feeding i bet dat child of yours will already be looking lyk a half-cast

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