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Atoke’s Monday Morning Banter: Cringe, Doctor, Cringe

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It is truly a good thing to be alive and well. We made it to the end of September and I’m really grateful to be healthy. We pump in so much junk in our bodies that it is truly a miracle the things still work. (As I type this I have the blackest and strongest cup of coffee on my desk… don’t judge. There’s so much to do and so little time in one day).
I went away for the weekend and I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the 4 hour trip back home. As I sat there watching the the houses speed past I noticed that the little boy beside me coughing. It was like once in 15 minutes and then it became more frequent. I panicked. I don’t want to fall ill and have to go to visit the doctor. I don’t have a fear of doctors really, I’d just rather NOT have to visit them.

You see long time I didn’t know what it meant to have a headache. I had this family friend who used to faint a lot and it helped her get a lot of days in the sick bay.I wanted to know why people took Phensic. Was it sweet? Did it make people buzz? I wasn’t so lucky. I remember thinking, if only I could have one of those things that gave Yemisi the dizzy spells all the time. Then, I’d just faint and I wont have to worry about LaCombes for a few days.

I was a perfectly healthy child until it became increasingly difficult to breathe and sleep through the night. They said it was tonsillitis and I was to have tonsillectomy. The doctor explained it to me that he was going to have something removed from my throat and I’d be able to breathe better and I’d grow up to be strong and healthy. I remember my dad saying that if I learned to spell tonsillitis and tonsillectomy I’d get loads and loads of Walls ice cream. The ice cream was actually recommended for post-surgery recovery.

Anyway, after the surgery at the Lagos University Teaching Hospital, there was no room in the ENT ward. (Ear, Nose & Throat) and so I was wheeled into the ‘Gynae’ ward for recovery time. There were beds of women laid out before me.
All the doctors that attended to us while I was in the hospital were male doctors. They were kind, patient and they smiled a lot which was a good thing. As I grew older and I recalled my time in LUTH, I always thought I’d probably be very uncomfortable if a male doctor had so much freedom with my Lady Bits.  When my cousin’s baby was being born, I remember being in the room and when the doctor came to check if she was well and truly dilated, he stuck his fingers right there, flexed them and turned them left and right.

I wasn’t the one being probed but I was so embarrassed. My cousin was a nurse, she worked in that hospital and the guy checking her was basically her colleague.  When I asked her later on if she was shy she said “Please at that time that was the least of my worries”. I found that a lot of women honestly don’t care who’s checking at that time because all they want is for the pain to stop.

Embarrassing medical moments seem like the highest level of mortifying experiences because it just feels so personal and it’s not just women who feel this. My friend, Dipo, told me of how he had gone to check his penis as he had noticed a few rashes. He went to a teaching hospital because he didn’t want to run into any of his cronies in any private hospital. Unfortunately for him, while he was being examined, a consultant decided to take medical students on rounds. Half an hour later and he was still there with his penis being used as case study by the doctors-to-be. I don’t think he’s going to ask any female doctor out in a long time.

Have a fabulous week ahead. October is THE BEST month of the year so make sure you go into it and have a blast. Please share your most embarrassing medical moments with me. Have you ever had to be examined by one hot guy that you’ve been feeling fresh for? Share your most cringe-worthy stories with us. It’s a really beautiful day, let’s kick it off with a smile on our faces.

Have fun, live well, be happy.

Peace, love & cupcakes!

Toodles!

Photo Credit: oaklandnorth.net

You probably wanna read a fancy bio? But first things first! Atoke published a book titled, +234 - An Awkward Guide to Being Nigerian. It's available on Amazon. ;)  Also available at Roving Heights bookstore. Okay, let's go on to the bio: With a Masters degree in Creative Writing from Swansea University, Atoke hopes to be known as more than just a retired foodie and a FitFam adherent. She can be reached for speechwriting, copywriting, letter writing, script writing, ghost writing  and book reviews by email – [email protected]. She tweets with the handle @atoke_ | Check out her Instagram page @atoke_ and visit her website atoke.com for more information.

53 Comments

  1. frances

    September 30, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Hehehe.Penis on display,kai! Dat would av been really embarrasing.the only time av had to go naked b4 a doctor was wen I wanted 2check some rash on my tits.thankfully,it wasn’t for long and they were just heat rash..I shudder to think abt d fingers down thr during d giving birth tin sha bt. Lik ur cousin said,I think dat will b d least of my worries when it happens..btw,I love d way u flow in ur write ups,frm one point to d next and most times d reader doesn’t even notice it cuz it all syncs perfectly.thumbs up
    http:imperfectlyperfect.wordpress.com

    • molly

      October 2, 2013 at 10:11 pm

      Recently i had a lump in myleft boobs and i had to see d doc but i was uncomfortable abt d idea of a male doc touching and pressing my boobs. my bf then told me abt his friend that had to do a surgery once and a nursr had to shave his genital hair. That made me ease up..lol

  2. frances

    September 30, 2013 at 10:01 am

    The only time I was close to being naked b4 a doc was wen I thought d rash on my tits meant sometin else.thankfully it wasn’t for long and it didn’t mean anytin.I shudder to think of d fingers down there during child birth.hmm.well,it will indeed b d least of my worries wen that time comes sha..

    imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

  3. meme

    September 30, 2013 at 10:01 am

    oh Lorddd.. i remember back in SS3, I felt I had a lump under by breast so I called my dad from boarding school crying like a crazy person that i have cancer. Mum travelled so he had to hear me cry hysterically lol, he took me to a private hospital and this HOT young doctor who resembles common (the artist) came to feel my boobies. I was so embarrassed! after that check up I started seeing him regularly in my church during morning mass!!! I think thats why I started loving evening mass lol

    • chichi

      September 30, 2013 at 2:55 pm

      lmao…

  4. Bleed blue

    September 30, 2013 at 10:02 am

    My neighbor is a doctor, gynecologist, nice guy, handsome, married (as am I) I just say hello to him. So one day…I had to have emergency surgery due to pregnancy complications and who was performing it? Him of course.

    Chei! Imagine my embarrassment when I woke up and saw I’d been shaved down there because apparently, their surgery tools couldn’t deal with the jungle…sigh…

    • asahni

      September 30, 2013 at 11:13 am

      Buhahahahaha! >>Jungle things

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 30, 2013 at 1:32 pm

      teeheehee!!! Why on earth did God make male Gynea’s so darn cute??? You were preggers, though and methinks the large bump sitting just above your lady parts is quite an impediment to maneuver around for using a Bic razor or some Nair hair-removal creme down there….

      And Atoke, I particularly HATE getting my routine cervical checks done. I mean, it’s definitely beneficial but the process… *shudder* It’s always a lady nurse, which is good but how awkward is it to be lying on that bed with your suit jacket and shirt but naked the whole way below while the nurse is spreading your legs and probing around in there as she interestedly asks you how your weekend was? *SHUDDER*

      Woman wahala dem-dem.

    • chichi

      September 30, 2013 at 3:14 pm

      my uncle is a gynecologist and trust me, he is far from cute.. just saying…

    • I Rock

      September 30, 2013 at 6:40 pm

      Bwahahahaha. Similar thing happened to me also. I had complications with my pregnancy and was rushed to the hospital by the EMTs. On getting there, I needed to have emergency surgery. When I woke up in the OB unit after the surgery, I realized that the Dr shaved me (I hadn’t shaved in a month because my husband usually does it for me and he traveled at the time). I was mortified when the Dr came back to check on me cause I kept imagining how bushy my kitty cat was and he had to shave it. We lost that pregnancy though but God knows best.

    • Bleed blue

      October 3, 2013 at 9:12 am

      Hey dear, hope you come back here and get to read this…the pregnancy I referred to in my initial comment…well we lost that, and it was the 2nd one we lost…heartbreaking.

      BUT, 12 months later, I had in my hands the most beautiful baby ever! So I don’t know if you’re still waiting or not but please just know that our GREAT RESTORER is waving His mighty hand for you. I’ll be praying.
      And yes, you rock 🙂

  5. Vanessa

    September 30, 2013 at 10:13 am

    In my NYSC days in Calabar, I had a vaginal discomfort and I went to the teaching hospital. I talked to a good medical student. he referred me to a doctor. After filling out all d necessary forms, time for examination, lo and behold, he wanted to examine my “selling point” in front of the students. Mbanu, I refused. Come and see begging from the students. Guy, who brought me begged, one lady begged. some said,’don’t you want us to be good doctors?’ hmmm. I stood up to go and dr wrote UNCOOPERATIVE in my file. Thank God I ran because I stopped using the slimming soap I was bathing with and the discomfort ended. I am comfortable with one doctor (male or female). My discomfort increases as the number increases.

    • anonymous

      September 30, 2013 at 2:13 pm

      woow, thank God you stood your ground

  6. Vanessa

    September 30, 2013 at 10:22 am

    Bleed Blue, lol. You are very amusing. It must have been quite a jungle…

  7. nira

    September 30, 2013 at 10:29 am

    LMAOOOO……. the same thing that happened to atoke’s friend who went to have his penis examined also happened to my boss. she went to have her annual cervical screening, her legs were already wide opened and attached to poles and before she could say jack, a number of students were already in the room and the doctor started using her parts as case study… without her permission and she had no option than to cooperate…..LWKMD

    • OK

      September 30, 2013 at 11:52 am

      That kind thing go make person piss, and if possible shit, for body…shebi they wan practice? I’ll give plenty “material” to practice with.

  8. Gistyinka Blog

    September 30, 2013 at 10:37 am

    Hmmmmmm it quite interesting gynecologis doctor…

  9. frances

    September 30, 2013 at 10:46 am

    @Vanessa,see begging oo.lmao! I guess to them its just a tool to learn about,na d patient dey still dey remember say dem b human being.dats whr d bruhaha dey.

    imperfectlyperfect92.wordpress.com

  10. inosend

    September 30, 2013 at 10:49 am

    gosh how rude……@nira if i was your boss i would sue their arses and they must pay for the embarrassment…..they should have told her and sought her consent even if it was a teaching hospital…..

  11. Bim

    September 30, 2013 at 10:53 am

    Nothing can be more embarassing than trying to fit a urinary cathether for a male patient in the presence of all your fellow medical students and two senior lecturers and the patient is having a huge erection. I take all your medical embarassments and raise you mine. How about that.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 30, 2013 at 1:34 pm

      AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I go die, oh!!!!!

    • hot mama

      September 30, 2013 at 5:58 pm

      Haaaa ERECTION ke…..rotflmaooooooooo

  12. Kay

    September 30, 2013 at 11:14 am

    While pregnant with my first child, I had planned to shave down below which I hadn’t done in over a year (hides face). Lo and behold, my child decided to come over a week early. I had about 3 different doctors examine my lady bits and during one examination a doctor came in with about 6 medical students. She asked for my permission to be examined in front of them and till today, I don’t even know why I agreed. The truth is that I was only embarrassed for a few seconds because at that point, I just wanted the baby out.

  13. Abiola

    September 30, 2013 at 11:16 am

    oh Lawd @Bim…lwkmd

  14. mii

    September 30, 2013 at 11:41 am

    u truly dnt care, all u want is 4 d pain 2 vanish, not just 4 preg. women… i had pile while in skool, didnt write an exam cos of the pain went to health centre in skool, a male doctor got mii checked, he was literarily fingering mii, i was just going to die cos of the embarrassment, but wat can i do wen d pain was almost gonna kill me…

  15. Abby

    September 30, 2013 at 11:50 am

    oh Gosh, i remember when i had acne problems, and this one doctor had to examine my private part bt bfre he proceded i had to question him how does my acne have anything to do with my private parts?and he ws like, he has to check just incase i have fungus huh! some of ths doctors can be perverts at times

  16. Teni

    September 30, 2013 at 12:13 pm

    I had a lumpectomy a few months ago, and Lord my boobs were checked by about 5 doctors and all male, gosh! At that point,i did not mind though cos i was scared but thinking about it now, am so so embarrassed. And the most annoying thing is the way the doctors carry their face like its no big deal, so annoying!

  17. uh-huh

    September 30, 2013 at 12:32 pm

    when in nursing school, i was assigned to the OB (obstetrics) department and a lady had to be induced cus shes nearing 40th month in her pregnancy. the hubby was sitting by her the whole time, me and the main nurses were on the floor attending to her and other patients. so the doctor was making his rounds and came to her room, he stuck two fingers in there and started digging in, looks like two fingers wasnt enough he put three, mehn come see the husband face, this guy is almost 6’2 in height and looks like a giant, he got up and looked out the window. in my mind i was thinking “if not because the wife was in pain and they had no choice cus its a holiday weekend he would have asked for a female doctor or punch this doctors lights out”. the doctor sef didnt notice, he came by to check her every 2 hours for the next 6-8 hours and at one point the guy had to come up with a lie and leave the room. after the doctor left on the 4th check, the wife told her mother in law who was in there with her at the time “pls go and check on Rudy”, and she told us that after the first time the doctor left after checking her, her husband wanted them to leave the hospital cus he cant stand the way the guy put his hand in there, she didnt answer him because she was in pain and jst want it to end.

    • slice

      September 30, 2013 at 3:59 pm

      better watch out. that 6 ‘2 guy may be coming for you next cause you just gave up his name online. or lets hope you changed it.

  18. Deedee

    September 30, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Lol, i remember when i had to do a routine cervical screening, the male doctor was like “gosh, you have a wonderful v****a”, i literally died on the examination bed…….

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      September 30, 2013 at 1:39 pm

      Okay, I’m not sure that was a real doctor you saw. Did a guy in a white coat & stethoscope just walk in and start examining you??

      I kid, I kid… 😀

    • That African chic

      September 30, 2013 at 2:21 pm

      Lol I think they say that to assure you that everything is ok. I am not sure about the choice of words tho.. From my experience they normally go like, ‘oh everything looks god down here’

    • I Rock

      September 30, 2013 at 6:17 pm

      Bwahahahaha….sounds a bit weird for a Doctor to say.

  19. chinco

    September 30, 2013 at 3:41 pm

    Okay… I don’t av any embarrassing story, but I remember as a physiotherapy student in UCH, I had a lot throat infections(or so I thought) to the point where I couldn’t swallow food, I had to go to the staff clinic and there ws this extremely HOT doctor who clerked me. He kept asking me what my own diagnosis ws since I ws in the health profession but I ws too weak to reply. He gave me some anti allergy drugs which surprisingly worked after weeks of pain. I was really impressed, and that removed all delusions that Hot guys are dumb(although the hottest guys in UCH then were the least intelligent).

  20. Jane

    September 30, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    In my 200L, came with serious malaria and was taken our family doc. The man asked my mom to step out,that he wanted to examine me and said i should strip. Days of puking and pooing had taken its toll,and i was wearing just a pant without a bra. In short, i was wearing a shift dress which i removed. After massaging my stomach,asked me to dress up. I did…but couldn’t get over the fact that somehow i had been had. When i see him to this day,look at him askance. To his credit,he’s an old man but it don’t matter none when the phrase ‘old goat’ comes to mind!

  21. Jane

    September 30, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    As in, wetin consine malaria with my belle?

  22. didi

    September 30, 2013 at 5:37 pm

    mine was during NYSC days, where it was mandatory to have check up before work. so this guy was goin to examine by heart rate(whatever its being called). he started touching my boobs to put in d plug or something. i was so embarrased. i didn’t know why i had to strip for heart rate. when i was fully clothed he asked for my number. can you imagine?

    • I Rock

      September 30, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      Sounds like a perv to me.

    • didi

      September 30, 2013 at 7:15 pm

      he sure is cos he got my number from my chart and asked me out on a date…plus he’s not even good looking sef…lol

  23. dami

    September 30, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Lol, I remember in OAUTHC, told my bf I wanted to check my boobs routinely. See begging! Lol, he was a medical student and according to him, he can’t stand it that another man ll touch my boobs!

  24. Tinex

    September 30, 2013 at 7:36 pm

    Mine happened some weeks back. I went to see this gynecologist and he asked ♏έ to remove my pant cos he wanted to do vaginal examination for me I was so embarrased and almost cried cos that was my first experience.

  25. nikky

    September 30, 2013 at 11:33 pm

    I was putting off going to the hospital to have them look
    at a lump on my breast because I didn’t want to be embarrassed. My
    mum got on my case and I eventually went to the clinic. The first
    doctor was female, the examination was uncomfortable but i was not
    embarrassed, she referred me to a specialist who was a man,
    honestly if the guy was young I would have been super embarrassed,
    but it was an older looking guy. In my mind I said no biggie, he
    did his thing and asked me to dress up and come sit so he can
    explain what it is and d next step. The first thing he told me was
    “you have a very young breast”. I almost didn’t hear anything thing
    else he said afterwards. Thinking back I understand what he ment by
    that, most women that come in for breast examination are older
    women, but because of my timidity I just could not deal with the
    idea that the doctor made a non health related comment about my
    breast which was even a complement. I just need to relax more and
    stop getting in my own head.

  26. dee one

    October 1, 2013 at 5:20 am

    Omg….. u guys are killing me wit these hilarious comments.
    Mine happened a long time ago, i was in Js2 wen i fell sick and had to be taken home, i was admitted in LUTH n at a point they needed to take my blood sample but they couldn’t find a vein and finally the doctor had to go down der to find a vein and get d sample. Even though i was quite young it was so embarrassing at the time.

    • jinkelele

      October 1, 2013 at 1:00 pm

      Ha! NNE NOBODY needs to go down there to take blood oh! worst case dem go take blood from the veins in your wrist wetin concern your vjjay with collecting blood. Abi what do u mean by down there?

  27. Bobosteke & Lara Bian

    October 2, 2013 at 2:51 pm

    @ jinkele, anywhere there is an accessible vein, blood will be drawn, though i must say i am yet to behold the crisscross of veins down there.

    • jinkelele

      October 2, 2013 at 7:24 pm

      for a JSS2 girl? I sincerely doubt that when her bum dey there, thigh dey there

    • doc

      October 4, 2013 at 9:28 pm

      well, im sure they got the blood from her femoral vein which is somewhere at the apex of the thigh. besides the mons pubis. sometimes when people are really ill, irrespective of the age, its difficult to get a good vein for venupuncture as most of the superficial veins would have collapsed.

    • jinkelele

      October 5, 2013 at 10:12 pm

      Thanks for explaining that.

  28. doc

    October 4, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    im a female doctor and trust me its embarrassing for me to examine a guy’s penis or a woman’s vagina during labour. i remember this cute guy whom i had to examine his penis. i dont knw who was shyer, him or me. but iv realized that at that very moment, most people dont curr… as long as u take that pain/ailment/discomfort away.
    i recently had to have a breast scan done because i thought i felt a lump. even though it was my female colleague who did the scan, i was a little self conscious seeing as my double DDs were exposed to a stranger.

  29. Precious

    October 10, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    hahahahahaha…i definately cant stand a gdoctor’s finger
    down dere..*i go just die…

  30. Phil

    October 24, 2013 at 9:17 pm

    You don’t know what LGBTs go through. Once I thought I had
    a tear after a good session with my partner, I was shy to go to the
    A&E but when I got there the docs were embarrassed cos I
    was gay. #awkward

  31. CHIKA

    October 25, 2013 at 10:01 am

    I once had a very handsome doctor examine my pelvic area and it was very uncomfortable because I was immediately attracted to him; I just had to endure because my parents were there too but months later the same doctor asked for my hand in marriage so it turned out that I was not the only one tripping!!!!

  32. Foluke

    October 30, 2013 at 11:46 am

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