Ayanam Udoma: Life On The Victoria Island Night Circuit

What happened to the nightlife scene in Victoria Island? I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

I mean how do you explain a restaurant having a giant, 2 storey statue of the Buddha lying around whilst operating without something as basic as an ice cream scoop? What about a restaurant that has an IPad for a menu yet only has 5% of the things listed in stock? Perhaps it’s our fault for assuming that 1 out of 6 waiters hanging aimlessly around might be able to not only take our order but also deliver the goods as well. Actually maybe we’re overworking them. Maybe we are taking advantage of their generous offer to give us an exclusive “experience” and we’re not giving them anything in return except our money.

Money in this day and age is so passé. It’s been overdone. It’s no longer trendy. This is due largely to external factors beyond our control. There’s inflation for one. That’s never good. There are also various taxes to consider. By the time all of these factors have affected one’s bill, there’s only so much a restaurant can do to personally screw you over. I mean it can still screw you over a little bit by adding an extra 500 Naira here and there but really, all of the fun has been taken away by the government. How can a restaurant dare label itself “premium” without screwing you over properly? Being screwed over is part of the dining out experience! Being screwed over is the ultimate seal of exclusivity! Next time you pay 3 thousand Naira for packet juice with a hint of rum, smile knowing that you’re part of a select few to get screwed over this royally. However, like I said, is this really enough?

It may seem like a sufficient amount of screwing over to us but, to the poor restaurant, it doesn’t quite hit the spot. Restaurants are jealous in nature and don’t want to share the screwed over scrap that’s left of your former self with other entities. Luckily, restaurant owners figured out that the one thing the government couldn’t control is the quality of service provided to its consumers. Sure the government can throw things like consumption tax at us but can they force waiters to notice you when you’re sitting right in front of them practically begging for a hit of Shisha? Can they stop that waitress from eyeing you and telling you to wait for someone else to serve you as she’s currently pre-occupied with perfecting her “Sharkeisha” face? No, of course not! That’s the beauty of a free economy.

If you can’t charge someone more, give someone less. Make them suffer first so they feel special when you actually do your job. Let them understand that just because they pay your salary, it doesn’t mean that they’re suddenly entitled to getting what they paid for. Money only lets you breakeven, breaking their spirit and screwing them over is the real profit. You can’t put a price on the satisfaction you get when you know that you’ve truly screwed someone over and they’ll take it because they feel like they’re part of some exclusive 1%.

It’s a glorious feeling isn’t it? I really hope it is because there has to be a reason why restaurants in the higher echelons of Victoria Island are this poorly managed. I refuse to believe that there isn’t some sort of evil plan in place. I refuse to believe that such ridiculously disorganised individuals could be making this much money off of us.

Please let them just be greedy schemers, because if they really are that disorganised, what does that say about those of us who continue to fund them?

Photo Credit: vimeo.com
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Ayanam Udoma is a poet and blogger who moved to England at 16. He returned to Nigeria after his degree in marketing to participate in the NYSC program. He is now trying to adjust back into the “Naija” lifestyle. He blogs at A-Zone Poetry.