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Bim Akinmade: Don’t Get It Twisted

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This phrase tends to fight its way past my lips whenever a guy winds me up to the point of no return, saying something that has my eyes rolling and neck gyrating manically like a possessed voodoo Queen. I feel like this has been happening way too often. Not because this is my typical dramatic reaction to every dubious statement that’s thrown my way, but because lately I have been drowning in so much crap, this being the verbal trash spewing forth from the lips of that otherworldly species known as men.
I find myself regularly dousing my face in splashes of cold water, as if confirmation that the crap I had just heard was real. I mean, did he really just say that to me? And is this really what I have to look forward to for the rest of my life? A lifetime of biting my tongue as he says and does the most unreasonable of things?

Sitting at the café, watching the passers-by swarm around us, I decided that I had agreed to this date for 2 reasons:
1) To size up this handsome guy sitting across from me. He was casually rocking some pastel-coloured chinos and a salmon V-neck. Good dress sense, check, plus he seemed attentive. His chocolate brown eyes steadfastly remained on mine throughout the conversation. They didn’t even stray when that petite Jamaican chick with the disproportionately large ass swaggered past, though I noticed she swayed significantly slower to give him a good eye full. Keep it moving hoe! But definitely big check

2) To reveal to him a little bit about myself. Just enough for him to get a good idea of our compatibility but holding back just enough to leave him with that tinge of curiosity; that yearning to run home and scan the web for the destination of our next hook up.

30 minutes into our conversation and I was pleased. The hot chocolate danced in my belly, spurring a warming sensation that sprouted up and out, culminating in a pleasant tingle at the tips of my fingers. I looked at them, wondering if this was a sign from God, spurring me on to touch the hands of my fated husband? Ok, maybe a bit far-fetched, but that pleasant feeling had me feeling mighty daring so I decided to go with it. 45 minutes into the conversation, I am gazing into his eyes, my fingers snugly intertwined between his and my mind deeply engrossed in our conversation. I am mesmerized by his intellect. The way his words slid of his tongue so effortlessly, giving me a glimpse into his limitless knowledge. Hidden between the facts were a few hopeful statements where he talked about settling down and starting a family. I had to look away; the intensity of his gaze as he said those things made my cheeks flushed. I didn’t want to hint that at that exact moment in time I was feeling exactly what he was feeling; that we potentially could be a match made in heaven.

Oh how that heaven swiftly turned to hell when I decided to ask him a few questions. Find out if this man and I were really meant to be. His responses hit me like the blow from a heavy weight boxer. I found my head reeling. And this dear ladies and gentleman is when I decided to generously untwist the twisted notions that this poor male had in is head about relationships:

Sex before marriage is compulsory: Personally I think this is completely at the discretion of the individual. Each to their own. The only thing I don’t agree with is when the man believes that because you are in a relationship he is entitled to your goods. I recently talked to a guy that described girls that decide to remain celibate in their relationship as selfish, because they force their men into celibacy. What kind of twisted world are we living in that women do not have the right to keep themselves?

Being your girlfriend/wife is interchangeable with your house maid: Even if you do ask me the question ‘can you cook?’ and I confirm that yes I can. It does in no way mean that I will now become your personal chef. Yes, every now and then if I have the time I will cook you meals. Not because I have to but because I love you and want to take care of you. But long gone are the days where men are the sole providers in the house hold, so if I am lugging my ass out of bed every morning and going to work to provide for our family too, then I suggest that you purchase a cook book and a masculine vacuum cleaner because I will not be the only one to cook and clean up in this hizzouse!

Just because your past girls have put up with it that I will: Too many times I have been told in that whiny and somewhat condescending tone ‘well my ex-girlfriend never had a problem with it’. Please, if you miss your relationship with your ex so much go and find her and resume your dysfunctional relationship because I don’t have time for little boys that are always referring to their past. I am a growing woman so I have got to keep it moving forward, not backwards thanks. Too many guys are used to behaving foolishly (e.g. not following through with promises, sexual promiscuity, being disrespectful etc.) and not suffering the repercussions because females in their past have kissed their asses, and failed to flag up serious flaws that need addressing. So when a no-nonsense woman comes into the picture they start cowering and complaining. Make up your mind: Do you want a woman that adores you but isn’t afraid to flag up your flaws to sculpt you into the amazing man she knows you can be? Or do you want a chick that Is going to bark ‘yes’ robotically in response to everything you say, whilst secretly thinking you’re a complete and utter douchebag? Choose.

Marriage is not a 2 way decision: Guys are getting too cocky. I guess they can smell the pungent odour of women ripe for marriage in the air so they use it as leverage in relationships, holding it above a woman’s head like teasing a dog desperate for a treat. The man that I marry needs to realise that I said yes when he donned that ring on my finger because I want to marry him and because he wants to marry me. It is a mutual agreement. In no way is it a privilege for a man to agree to marry a woman. In fact a woman enhances and upgrades a man’s life so really he should be seeing her acceptance to marry him as a blessing. Please recognise that I will continue to live life with our without your last name thanks.

That you can buy my love: ‘I would take her out shopping’; that was the response I received from one of my male friends when I asked him what he would do if he really messed up with his woman. Why are men so confused? This might work on some women but men need to realise that most women of this day and age can pay their own way, so buying them this or that won’t better your situation. Try writing her a poem, taking her to a sentimental destination or even making a gift yourself, something to reignite feelings of your love. Maybe then maybe will she be able to give you her whole heart.

That all women are players, juggling a million men at one time: Don’t get me wrong. If we are not in a relationship then in no way am I obligated to cut off all other guys and commit to you completely. But if we are courting, I like you, and am blatantly investing a lot of time to get to know you, why assume that every time my phone vibrates it’s from another guy? I have been asked so many times now by my potential suitor ‘oh so that other guy is calling you again right?’ that it is now laughable. He doesn’t believe that it is any of my numerous girlfriends, who grossly outnumber my male friends by like 10:1, so I just go with it. Let him believe what he wants to believe. Personally I think guys like the idea because they want to know that the chick they are courting isn’t desperate and has other options, so if it does work out they feel it hasn’t been forced but developed completely organically. She chose him.

So these are just some points that I wanted to clarify for the guys out there who seem to harbour some deluded ideas of what relationships should be like. If your girl all of a sudden looks like she is having a seizure; her eyes rolling to the back of her head as her neck swivels uncontrollably then you best believe you must have got it twisted.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Paul Hakimata

Bim Akinmade is a budding writer and Psychology graduate; raised in England but with hopes of one day returning to Nigeria. Communication is key, and she believes that the time is now for people to empower and encourage each other by sharing their experiences and beliefs. Bim recently completed her NYSC in 2012; a tumultuous journey with several twists and turns, all of which are documented in her blog. Follow her on http://beingme360.wordpress.com/ and on twitter @Bimmykins2012 to engage in thought-provoking discussions and share your experiences on a vast array of topics from NYSC to relationships.

25 Comments

  1. Jhaye

    October 31, 2014 at 3:04 pm

    Standing Ovation!!!

  2. Leo

    October 31, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    Even if it hurts, u have just said the hardcore truth.
    well done!

  3. mama ovie

    October 31, 2014 at 3:49 pm

    The lady in the pix blue me away
    refreshing beauty

  4. Ada Nnewi

    October 31, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    love, Love, LOVE!!!!!

  5. kandi

    October 31, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    …… I will not be the only one to cook and clean up in this “hizzouse!” ….lol

    • Que

      October 31, 2014 at 5:37 pm

      As in I literrally choked at this line!…. looolll!

  6. Baby

    October 31, 2014 at 4:18 pm

    kudos Bim, very articulate write up. i agree with the points raised, sadly a lot of guys really get it twisted. sometimes i wonder if there r any exceptional guys anymore especially in this naija.

    • Jamce

      November 1, 2014 at 7:21 am

      There are plenty exceptional guys. It depends on the circuit you operate.

  7. Just me

    October 31, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    Sometimes I do have seizures listening to some men talk.
    You couldn’t have said it better, well done

  8. donchichiboy

    October 31, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    @baby there are a million and one exceptional guys out there that i can assure u.Not every guy has this mentality.I have a friend who once dated a girl who took it as her responsibility to prepare meals 4 him but he told her that she doesn’t owe him that responsibilty,that it is not her duty to cook for him,that when he does what is right which putting a ring on her finger then she can cook for him.The same lady wanted to stay in his father”s house when visiting him because she stays in a different state but he told her that she can’t stay in his father’s house but she was upset and accused him of cheating.It caused a rift between them and it is all because he is not your average kind of guy who expects his GF to cook and clean for him.

  9. www.idolorsdomain.wordpress.com

    October 31, 2014 at 4:53 pm

    …because some men think relationships/marriages are acquisitions, not mergers.

  10. honest one

    October 31, 2014 at 4:59 pm

    This is a fab write up, some guys just don’t get the fact that some ladies CHOOSE to stay with them cos they want to and not cos they are desperate. Thank you for putting it out there.

  11. Jo!

    October 31, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    Bim, see ehn, oro yi o fa ija. it’s very simple. I’ve realized relationships are all about making expectations clear from both sides from the beginning, so you’re not expecting salt and get sugar and I am not expecting yam and get potatoes.

    So, if you state clearly before things get serious that “I don’t believe in sex before marriage” and the dude thinks it’s compulsory, obviously, that isn’t going to work.out. so, to your tents o Israel.. Also, to your 2nd point about being a housemaid, if I’m dating a guy, I don’t do his chores, except like once in a month when I sleepover and we do it TOGETHER, but the fact is, I have met guys I WANT to cater to, that I want to cook for, run their bath water, take care of, give a neck rub, but I do it when I want to, not because there’s a gun to my head, it is VERY important that women don’t do stuff from the beginning that they can’t sustain forever.
    Some babes start cooking and cleaning and doing all sorts to land the guy and think after they get married, things will change, what if the guy says he doesn’t want external help cos you’ve always done it alone? CLEAR EXPECTATIONS biko.

    Like for example, I like to cook, but I hate sweeping and stuff, I currently do it because I have to, not because I want to, so one of the first things I’ll do after I get married is get a regular housekeeper, who comes in to clean and do stuff, I will also get a chef or at least someone who does some kinda regular cooking for me because even though I like to cook, I will not always cook since I work and have no intention of (EVER) being a housewife. So if I meet one of those “typical traditional” Nigerian man, the type that likes his meals served in his special plate on his “daddy’s” chair with a special curtsy. (I have met some btw), I know I have to “jump and pass”

    Every man will have his own ideas, and they’re entitled to have them, I am entitled to mine too, so I will not be EDUCATING any guy about anything, because I have realised, when I think I’m “educating” someone, particularly with those eye bulging, neck rolling gesticulations, it’s passing right over their heads, nobody listens to anything you say when you’re in that mode, all they’re thinking is “oh oh, they have come”. So, I go on a date with a guy and realize he is a misogynistic tyrannosaur who thinks women should be kept in the kitchen and shouldn’t work, and are better for nothing other than making children, I just smile all through, then block his number the moment I leave, life is not hard o, you do your thing, I do mine.

    What am I even saying sef, to each his own, for some women, if they don’t call their husband “daddy” it’s disrespectful (yes, there are actual women in 2014 who do this, I swear), some call their husbands by his first name and everyone is happy, some women enjoy being under men that tell them what to do and can’t do, some don’t, and some women like the regularity of cooking for their families daily, but it won’t work for every body, and both parties need to understand that before they get in too deep. Don’t get halfway into marriage and start to bemoan the fact that he is not “allowing you to work” Didn’t you see the signs?? You were too in love abi???

    I apologize for the epistle, it was as it was doing me (sic)

    • oy

      November 3, 2014 at 3:14 pm

      the so called women have been brain washed, that’s why

  12. Colour Purple

    October 31, 2014 at 6:01 pm

    The sad thing is the men that need to read this article wouldn’t it is those ones that know how to behave that would read it….

  13. Que

    October 31, 2014 at 6:08 pm

    Some of these are thoughts I have in my head, but I’m sometimes too weak to spit out, especially when I’ve just heard a ridiculous thing… .I will only speak if the person in question is worth the effort, if not nna….I just sip my tea/whiskey with a smile and keep my tots and energy.

    On d money ‘buying love’ one… a nice young man recently explained to me, after I had asked him bout cooking, seeing as he was always coming by mine for food, (even though we end up ordering In)… well he said, ‘see Que,…you cant lump all of us in d same boat with every guy on tv…. we dont show love d same way… I cant cook, if u keep hoping for that, you will be disappointed…. but I work hard, and whats it for if not to enjoy with loved ones, including my woman, while we have life… let her spend it naa, better than dying and leaving it to strangers and children who dont understand how you’ve worked it…..’

    I narrated this, cos instead of feeling ‘bought’ or like he thinks your love is for sale, , its important to acknowledge each others love language, and if spoiling you is how he feels he gets his love across, it will do both well, to accept and manage it. The only danger is in believing money will save him from ALL wrath, but thats up to you to show him the difference. If he goofs big time and goes shopping, rather than twist neck and shout, you can send it back, let him kno to find a real solution….

    • @Que

      November 1, 2014 at 2:18 am

      But its not only his love language that matters. if he likes spending money and she doesn’t care for the money, then the effort is futile and she’ll remain unhappy. he needs to learn his wife’s love language as well so she can be happy. if she likes a man that will cook for her, learn how to cook at least her favorite dish. it wont kill him. its not rocket science, there is no gene for cooking. you can learn it no matter your age so men need to get off their high horse and realize that money is not everything.

  14. Beegal

    October 31, 2014 at 7:13 pm

    Sometimes I feel I’m too judgmental or strict or rigid or many other things. Recently my boyfriend of two months and I were talking about cooking if we were to get married. He knows I don’t like to cook but I said I will cook for him if we get married. Then I jokenly said that I don’t want stress that we had to get a cook o. He was like that’s unacceptable that his wife must cook for him that his children must learn to cook from his wife! Lobatan! At that point I started getting scared o. I don’t wanna become wife aka slave o. Am I over reacting 🙂

    • Onye

      October 31, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      my dear run o. He’s told you what he expects don’t go and marry him and then expect something else.

    • @Beegal

      November 1, 2014 at 2:22 am

      When someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them. No, he wont change so if it is something u feel strongly about and you absolutely cannot deal with, then leave.

    • Que

      November 1, 2014 at 2:36 am

      Yes you are….calm down…these are workable things… I’m not a cooking fan either, but family gotta eat, so I do when I need to, and other times, I just ensure d food is available, how it gets there is my business… eat or starve! 🙂

  15. like

    November 1, 2014 at 12:29 pm

    God bless my mother for not raising us with the usual gender role. My brothers can cook and my sisters can check engines change tyres and Co. Boys did not just develop this behaviour, they were brought up by mothers,fathers, aunties and Co. .
    Because I am female
    I am expected to aspire to marriage
    I am expected to make my life choices
    Always keeping in mind that
    Marriage is the most important
    Now marriage can be a source of
    Joy and love and mutual support
    But why do we teach girls to aspire to marriage
    And we don’t teach boys the same?
    We raise girls to see each other as competitors
    Not for jobs or for accomplishments
    Which I think can be a good thing
    But for the attention of men
    We teach girls that they cannot be sexual beings
    In the way that boys are
    Feminist: the person who believes in the social
    Political, and economic equality of the sexes

    Teach your son well so hr can change the world. My brother and his wife work on the same industry but because he is more senior that her he gets home early. He tell the help what yo prepare for dinner and wait for his wife before eating. Women are not slaves And if you have a career as a woman you should have a helping hand so you do not collapse.

    Last year, a guy was asking me out and we got talking. If asked why i wasn’t doing any chores on Saturday and I responded the house is clean and when he asked about my clothes i responded will leave it for the washman. He threw tantrums . When i asked him.why doesn’t he dp hos laundry O boy na so the boy say e hand too sensitive e go bleed… so na me go do suffer head abi… my siblings all have househelp so when i visit I only make my bed. Na so this boy say we no g have househelp. I understand if we don’t have kids yet but when w start with the stress of work and all.. The boy said no… so i didn’t agree to take the relationship to th next step.

    I remember reading a post on gender roles

    asake-okin.blogspot.com/2013/09/kazi-nani.html?m=1

    Pardon my long story

  16. oy

    November 3, 2014 at 3:15 pm

    i love this article, you couldn’t have said it any better. No man should think he is doing any woman a favour by marrying her, in fact it is the other way round

  17. Purpleicious Babe

    November 4, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    I agree with the article.
    I think it should be a two a way thing.
    The block number thing is absolutely the way forward once you realise you can’t deal.
    No point educating them and thinking you can change them for what!

  18. Tomiannemcq

    January 30, 2015 at 6:49 am

    Idk when the info I just read was posted and I don’t usually comment on what I read but I have to say you’re so beautiful!!! thank you for proving God can bestow us with. Other looks and brains. thank you!

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