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Bim Akinmade: To ‘The Entitled’

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I am writing this article with a particular man in mind. Yes, you know who you are; tall in an awkward lanky sort of way, dark with the inky black skin of Baba Suwe, and handsome if you find Shrek attractive. Okay, maybe I am being a tad dramatic, but I find it hard to give this guy any credit because he is such an arrogant character. If I was to describe him realistically he’s actually rather handsome; not the sort of handsome that launches itself at you at first glance, strikes you across the face and has your cheek twinging for days as a stark reminder of his supernatural beauty, but the sort of handsome that you acknowledge with a sharp nod and a quick once over, thinking I wouldn’t mind being seen with him.

I remember he dressed well. The first time we met he was wearing a crisp pale-blue shirt and some ashy-grey trousers that loosely outlined his slim figure. My uncle had arranged for him to give me a lift to work, seeing as I had no better option I happily complied. He had large keen eyes, with chocolate brown irises a harsh contrast to their snowy-white background. They made him seem wise and knowing, as if behind them lay years of untold knowledge. The more we talked the more I relaxed in his company. He was intelligent, laid back and seemed to enjoy the seamless babble that spewed forth from my lips about my horrific NYSC experiences. Having recently relocated back to Nigeria himself, he could really empathize with what I was going through, often throwing a sympathetic glance or some encouraging advice my way. We laughed, we joked and I couldn’t help thinking, this guy is actually a gentleman, well almost.

For the sake of anonymity we will call him Randy, because this man had a reputation that preceded him. I was bombarded with stories by kids and adults about his Casanova ways, and how women flowed in and out of his place as if carried along by an endless stream. To be honest, this didn’t bother me: 1) because I was in Nigeria for the purpose of completing my NYSC and not to find a husband 2) Nigerians have a tendency to over exaggerate, and I knew that my relatives would say anything to put me off this guy 3) I am my own person, and I didn’t want to prejudge him based on other people’s opinions. As they say ‘you can’t judge a book by its cover’.

So this ‘one off’ lift turned into more of a regular occurrence. I mean, who was I to complain? I was being carted around in a suave comfortable car, accompanied by a nice guy that had some decent banter, and being stopped from spending my NYSC slave wages on taxi fare. Life was good. It wasn’t until he offered to take me out for the evening that I started thinking, hmmm dude is biting off more than he can chew. If he thought that taking me out and driving me around would lead to anything more than friendship then he had another thing coming. Normally, if a guy that I am not interested in asks to take me out I look him straight in the eyes, mesmerizing him with my stony gaze and turning down the invite with an icy ‘no’, but because this guy had been so kind I decided to show him due respect and nonchalantly accepted his offer, hoping that his motive was to introduce me to some of Nigeria’s hot spots as we had discussed.

So the night came, I dressed up semi-casual and left the house to the disgruntled sighs of my aunt and uncle. He took me to a nice place that had a cool vibe about it, ‘Marquee’ I think it was. We sat outside on the balcony, watching the ebb and flow of Lagos traffic as it created frenzied patterns of light across the dark night sky. My long braids and bare face were massaged by the calming breeze and it was then that he made the comment, something about the simplicity of my beauty and how he would like to be with a girl like me. Flattered, I remember smiling whilst secretly fretting over when the damn music would start playing so that I could get up and dance. Eventually it did, and much to my despair he joined me with it, whirling around the dance floor with such granddaddy dance moves I found myself cringing and turning around in an inane attempt to appear alone. My horrified expressions and sudden need for distance obviously were not great enough hints, as he playfully moved closer, circling me with hip thrusts, arm rolls and even biting his lip for added effect. If the floor could have opened up and swallowed me whole, I would have been all too grateful.

But the worst part of it all was when a guy randomly approached me to compliment me on my dancing, and before I even had the chance to say ‘thank you’, Randy had me swept me up in a huge bear hug and proceeded to squeeze the life out of me. Moments went by with me kicking and hammering at his chest before he finally realized that I was in pain and could scarcely breathe. Even when he did release me, he had some smug look on his face, like he had succeeded in his mission to mark his territory before this competing male. I mean, he might as well have flung me over his shoulder, beat his knuckles against his chest and scampered around on all fours, roaring ‘This be my woman!’.

If that wasn’t enough, on leaving the club I ran into a colleague of mine. He gave me a brief hug to which Randy responded with such a violent look of disgust the next day at work my colleague confronted me, inquiring as to whether he had overstepped the boundaries since my ‘boyfriend’ had cast him such a hateful look he was sure he had done something wrong.

After that incident Randy apologized profusely, although claiming not to be aware of his stand-offish behaviour. I forgave him and we continued our friendship. Valentine’s day was on the horizon and I found myself agreeing to go to dinner with him ‘as friends’, with emphasis on ‘friends’, if he bought me a present worthy of inciting jealousy in my colleagues. Yes I wanted them to be jealous! The women in my office thought they were so fly and were always making fun of this JJB with her ‘correct English’. It was time I brought them down a few pegs. If anything this seemed to me like more of a business transaction; his presents for my time. And if you are wondering, is this girl a gold digger? Didn’t she feel bad? Well no! I could have done with or without the presents but this guy insisted on my time, and fervently maintained that there were no strings attached and all he wanted was my company as a friend, so with my stony-faced house girl by my side, creating a somewhat hostile atmosphere so that he didn’t get any funny ideas, I reeled off the terms and conditions.

To his word I received the presents on Valentine’s day; delivered directly to my office …by him. Not a courier as I had expected, but him. He had come straight from his office, brazenly announced my name at reception, and with bated breath and mischievous smiles the security guards awaited my arrival. If he had been my husband or long-term boyfriend I would have been elated at this outright display of ownership, but because I knew that we were just friends and that ‘Bimbo’s mysterious man’ would be on the lips of every workplace gossip, I felt a little frustrated. Nevertheless I thanked him, only to find him planted at the front of my workplace a few days later to pick me up. Don’t get me wrong, I thoroughly appreciated his efforts but couldn’t he just have waited in the car? I mean, why not just brandish ‘Bimbo’s man’ across your forehead for all to see?

Weeks went by and much to my relief I got the impression that he had given up on wooing me. Our conversation grew lighthearted again and I really felt like I was talking to my big brother, so much so that I was giving him advice on girls. He offered to buy me dinner and took me to a nice little Italian restaurant. He’d informed me that there was a girl that he liked and was going to call whilst we were out. I was happy for him and encouraged him to do so, assuming that he would have had enough courtesy to cut the phone call short so as not to leave me dining alone for too long. Well, ladies and gentlemen, he went to make the phone call; 20 minutes later the food arrived, 40 minutes later and I had finished my meal, 1 hour later and his food had gone cold, 1hr 20 minutes later and I had resorted to BBM for distraction, 1hr 40 minutes later and I was dodging the impatient glances of the waitress wondering when I was going to pay for the meal. Finally 2 hours later, he strode back with that infuriatingly smug look on his face. It took every ounce of my self-discipline not to hurl myself at him from across the table and claw at his jugular with my blunt nails. Yes, I can be a beast when provoked. Instead, I held my breath and composed myself, telling him to take me home before I got really mad.

Would you believe the dude never apologized? To this day he still fails to understand why I was never swooned by his supposed class or charm, instead he jokes that it’s because I prefer the young boys with swag and can’t recognize a classy man. I guess his ego won’t let him comprehend that a ‘small girl’ like me rejected a ‘big man’ like him.

So let me set the record straight. To all you guys like Randy with over-inflated egos that feel like you are ‘entitled’ to the adoration and attention of every woman, just because you have the money, car and status. Yes, it’s more than likely that despite your arrogance you will find a woman to put up with your intolerable ways, because unfortunately too many of us prioritize wealth over character, thus enter into relationships with men that feel entitled to treat us anyhow because they bring status to the plate, however please know this, a good woman won’t tolerate being disrespected and mistreated regardless of how much money or power you throw in her face. If at all, her affection will be earned over time with consistent love and respect. Respect her for the entity that she is and don’t force or impose your presence, It is not attractive! So if you are one of those dudes that lurk behind a woman like an ominous shadow ready to scare off the next guy who dare steal a glance, you need to stop!

Girls like guys with humility; someone that’s honest about their intentions and doesn’t try to convince them that they only want friendship when really they want a lot more who you think you’re fooling?, someone that apologizes when they have genuinely done something wrong, and doesn’t see her as someone that they are entitled to, but someone that they aspire to be with. If she isn’t interested then she isn’t interested, abeg is it by force? Just move on to someone who can return the feelings, but don’t treat her with any less respect because of it- I know some men have a tendency to abuse women that turn them down.

Ultimately my message is, “men, stop feeling entitled because you aren’t entitled to JACK! And women stop reinforcing their entitled behaviour!” When you start using your man as a bank, demanding this and demanding that then don’t blame them for feeling like they can treat you anyhow. If we didn’t provoke and put up with such foolish behaviour in the first place then men would not have the room to act the way they do.

Photo Credit: astoldbytope.com
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Bim Akinmade is a budding writer and Psychology graduate; raised in England but with hopes of one day returning to Nigeria. Communication is key, and she believes that the time is now for people to empower and encourage each other by sharing their experiences and beliefs. Bim recently completed her NYSC in 2012; a tumultuous journey with several twists and turns, all of which are documented in her blog. Follow her on Being Me 360  and on Twitter @Bimmykins2012 to engage in thought-provoking discussions and share your experiences on a vast array of topics.

Bim Akinmade is a budding writer and Psychology graduate; raised in England but with hopes of one day returning to Nigeria. Communication is key, and she believes that the time is now for people to empower and encourage each other by sharing their experiences and beliefs. Bim recently completed her NYSC in 2012; a tumultuous journey with several twists and turns, all of which are documented in her blog. Follow her on http://beingme360.wordpress.com/ and on twitter @Bimmykins2012 to engage in thought-provoking discussions and share your experiences on a vast array of topics from NYSC to relationships.

102 Comments

  1. Mz Socially Awkward...

    March 27, 2014 at 1:17 pm

    Babes, you do realize you’re just going to get a lot of flack for putting up with him after the first couple of “incidents”, abi? …

    • Bleed Blue

      March 27, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      My sentiments right here ^^^^. The whole thing seemed like a free for all, do as you please roller coaster of a “friendship”. I got a bit dizzy while reading…

    • whocares

      March 27, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      Ohh I was just going to write that as well. I do not condone his behaviour in any way, bet did you honestly not see this coming? He drove you about (is he jobless, did you pay for this services), I ask because I don’t believe anything is free. My conscience never allows me accept things in this manner.. I always try to reciprocate to ensure a balance in the relationship. If you drive me about, I might insist on paying for your fuel, or something.. anything. Further, you asked him to buy you presents to make other women jealous.. that was actually your caveat for acceptance, after which you went out with him as “friends”.. Biko, what did you expect this admittedly smug, over inflated ego man to think?
      Now as for the action on “D-day”.. You should have left after you finished your meal… I would have. He took the piss. You should have also given him a few choice words too, and explained in detail if he did not seem to understand what he did wrong.
      I do agree with the rest of your message. Men with over-inflated ego are a “no no”.. A guy once asked me if I was a lesbian because I didn’t find him attractive, and turned him down repeatedly.. He just couldn’t understand why. LOOL. I took serious delight in turning him down every single time.

    • Que.....what is wrong wit my avatar and ID???*confused*

      March 27, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      Thx for saving me the trouble of typing much…

    • Anne

      March 28, 2014 at 2:25 pm

      OMG! One of my guy friends is convinced that I’m a lesbian because I haven’t slept with him . Talk about a guy with an over inflated ego!! As if!

    • Ewa

      March 27, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      Oh Mz SA.. Thank you for your comment.. Dear writer, you sef get for bodi.. There is no free lunch anywhere my dear… Pshewwwwwwwwwww.

    • jcsgrl

      March 27, 2014 at 4:09 pm

      Oh you’re soo sweet. The babe knew what she was doing…using the guy to get attention. Like @whocares said, why did you stay at restaurant waiting for him? You should have paid for your meal and disappeared. Anyway, na una sabi your story doesnt make sense but the last two paragraphs do

  2. D

    March 27, 2014 at 1:31 pm

    I will wait to read other peoples comment but I find a few things contradicting in this article. I understand the Man that feels entitled deal and there are also women that feel the same way but…I feel the author did her own part in encouraging the said behaviour which is why the last paragraph throws me for a loop. You made it clear, you were using the guy(wether you asked for it or not) and of course he wants to use you too…So why the offing and puffing???

  3. temi

    March 27, 2014 at 1:49 pm

    pls this article is senseless… contradicting herself all the way thru….abeg park jorr

  4. iyke

    March 27, 2014 at 1:55 pm

    Please don’t set men up to ridicule them. How many times throughout your stay in England did you get a free ride and free dinner from your supposed male friends? You knew Randy’s intention….. all the signs were there, (you are a Psychology graduate) yet you encouraged him. Now you are sounding Ms.Independent and trying to set him up here for dissection. Oya now, let the insults on men begin.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 27, 2014 at 2:22 pm

      See, I have to play devil’s advocate here because there’s a very grave danger that you may be crossing the clear line between “putting up with him” (my carefully chosen words, to indicate that at some point, you need to make it clear you won’t tolerate his behaviour)… and Bims having “encouraged him” (your words, used in the context of the young woman receiving free rides, etc.). This second inference is very dangerous as we’ve constantly established on this same site that this so-called “encouragement” is why men sexually assault women for the flimsiest reason.

      I’m not interested in whether he gave her diamonds or a pack of food from TFC during their interactions, my sole concern is that when we as women don’t disabuse the men around of us certain behaviour, we make it harder for the other women who are yet to come into his life. That’s the focus to see this from.

      And contrary to the information you have about what cadre of men exist in the United Kingdom, let me assure you that there are still true gentlemen (of any race) here, who’re willing to bestow a lass with a free ride or meal, without strings attached.

    • iyke

      March 27, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      I completely agree that there are perfect gentle men EVERYWHERE, even here in Lagos. I also see your point of view.
      This escalation is more about the mismatching of friendship and I expected her as a Psychology graduate to have known better. There are benefits and costs of opposite sex friendships which am not going to elaborate for lack of space. But we all know that men, especially Nigeria men are more likely to see sex and romantic potential in an opposite sex friend as a benefit, hence the dinner, interests and behavior that he (Mr. Randy) exhibited on numerous occasions. Did they share a mutual desire for company, conversation, and mutual support? From the article NO. Why did she NOT communicate her intentions from the onset, thereby giving room for the ‘Entitlement’ behavior to set in? This again leads to the conviction that Men and Women can’t be just friends in most cases, especially the single ones. Both sexes completely have mismatch desires which make friendship difficult most times.
      Glad she realized her folly and advising other ladies.Perhaps, it may be better to pick only friends who are already in other romantic relationships or someone with friendship goals that matches her own. That way, she can have a satisfying exchange, a good friend, and no frustration. And if he decides to try his luck, then that calls to question, the sort of person she really hangs out with.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 27, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      @iyke…you see yasef? Too quick to assume. As you can now see most of the comments here are made with no intention of insulting the men folk. Most BN frequents seem like a very sensible bunch, so focus is placed where it needs to be.

      Plus yes, Mz S.A. is very correct, Western men will happily give you a ride several times over, take you for dinner and drinks now and again, help fix your broken sink etc…all with no ounce of “entitlement” or feeling like they’ve been “encouraged”. True story oh!

    • Codedone

      March 27, 2014 at 3:03 pm

      And a lot of them will also hit on you after doing that so I don’t get your point. I think the writer is a bigger piss taker than the “jerk”. If you are honest you can see that she encouraged his behavior a little. A lot of us, men, are not clueless. We actually know how to take a hint. She really didn’t give any.

    • Bleed Blue

      March 27, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      I’ll help you see my point.

      Iyke says “How many times throughout your stay in England did you get a free ride and free dinner from your supposed male friends”. Mz SA and I have responded accordingly. So which one you dey with all this feistiness you this Coded brotha?

    • Coded1

      March 27, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      Thank you my brother. Yes he took the piss on his behavior at dinner and by “claiming” U but you must think the people who come on this website are idiots. You took advantage of the mumu and then got mad cos he tried to get with you. U ARE THE MAJOR PISS TAKER IN THIS CAPER. Grow up little girl. No disrespect intended even if you deserve to be talked to #Fellingyourselfalittletoomuch

  5. Ready

    March 27, 2014 at 2:03 pm

    Guys, read this…” If we didn’t provoke and put up with such foolish behaviour in the first place then men would not have the room to act the way they do.” I read that line as her acceptance that she was to blame as well.

    • bride2mum

      March 27, 2014 at 2:19 pm

      I agree!!!
      chai! it is hard to market for blog readers o…www.bride2mum.com

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 27, 2014 at 2:26 pm

      Already seen, which is why it was pointed out that she’s opened up the gates for getting flack in the comment section… She was speaking to herself and the rest of us women out there. When the comments come, they’ll be directed at her and the rest of us women out there.

      Nothing wrong with a little self flagellation now and then, it helps us restore good sense … sometimes…

  6. Dr. N

    March 27, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    #hip thrusts n lip biting! Lol. To be fair u asked for it. I know u can’t help accepting such at face value but, u n I know where it’s going. Still laughing at d hip thrusts tho. Me likey.
    drnsmusings.wordpress.com

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      Hehehehe can u imagine how cringe that was?! LMAO I knew where it was going but dude was too proud to admit it. Was just biding my time for him to show his true colours and realise that I wasn’t for sale.

    • Jo!

      March 27, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Ahn ahn. You sef

    • Sen. Myne Yansh

      March 30, 2014 at 6:26 pm

      ” It took every ounce of my self-discipline not to hurl myself at him from across the table and claw at his jugular with my blunt nails. Yes, I can be a beast when provoked. Instead, I held my breath and composed myself, telling him to take me home before I got really mad.” Hmmm… Lethal Weapon. I hope that the young man with the granddaddy moves gets to read this so he can hire bodyguards next time. 🙂

  7. temiloluwa

    March 27, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    Beautiful use of words, intact vocabulary, the write-up is well put together. I’m not surprised, well done!

  8. kim

    March 27, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    @temi, dis article is not senseless. if u dont understand, park farrrrrrrrr.

  9. Sisi

    March 27, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    This makes very little sense and what you attempted to do here was seriously flawed by your own behaviour. You absolutely reinforced his behaviour simply by equating free rides/presents with dates in return. Although it seems you formed a friendship the underlying factors were still present and you were obviously gaining from his various dispalys. You are correct, it was a business transaction and he was ‘entitled’ to your time in the same way you felt you were entitled to presents and I’m sure dinners that he paid for?? Ladies we can do better!

    On another note your description of your ‘long braids and bare face were massaged by the calming breeze’ is ever so tempting………take me to lagos now

    • Non professional opinion

      March 27, 2014 at 5:22 pm

      I have to agree that the wrong person is being labelled “entitled”. We are not all girls on Bella but a lot of us are and we know this game well. The writer thought that she would use this guy for, rides, gifts and attention because there was clearly no one else on the horizon or why would you go on a “Val’s date as friends” WTF!?!
      In return for his time, compliments and money he was allowed to enjoy her company but maintain a distance that will not discourage any prospective toasters. His leaving her at the table for an hour and a half was his way of letting her know the contempt and poor manners ran both ways. I’m sure if a hotter guy had come to yarn during that wait she would jabo like fire and remind him of the “just friends” ish. It’s been said by other commenters but I will reiterate because this babe seems stubborn… The story was a mess of contradictions and the behavior was childish.

  10. Swiss

    March 27, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    This article is all over the place; I don’t get the point of it at all.
    Reads like confused feelings, like how do you write this long ass epistle JUST to tell about the boy you supposedly DONT like? Why would it matter this much? Sort out your feelings darling…and then try writing this again. Bless xx

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 2:55 pm

      LMAO read my comment above and you will understand our relationship a bit more.

    • Swiss

      March 27, 2014 at 3:35 pm

      I’ve read all your responses and darling, you sound like a child. Again I say, sort out your feelings, you’re confused. We aren’t here for games.

  11. ada

    March 27, 2014 at 2:37 pm

    I totally relate to this artice. I experienced the same thing with my boss at work. Being widowed last year, he felt entitled to date me as i am a single mother but when i turned him down, he couldnt believe it. He kept asking me’So you are rejecting me?’ as if it was an automatic ticket.

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 3:28 pm

      Awwww I’m sorry to hear of ur loss. Yh, ur case is just wt I’m talking about just in a more serious context.

  12. Nominee

    March 27, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    1. You just didn’t like him at all. @. You should have told him that and forgotten about the perks of being with him. 3. Excuse me?! A val’s gift to put your colleague’s in their place and you didn’t want them to know from who? Sorry babe that’s just self deception and trying too hard, you don’t have to impress them, if it was so important, you could have sent a gift to yourself, you didn’t need a guy to do it. Finally, I get that some guys need to be brought down a few pegs but in your case, it seems like you asked for everything you got. Know when to stop!

  13. Ndidi

    March 27, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    this article is completely contradictory…and slightly annoying

  14. Bim Akinmade

    March 27, 2014 at 2:48 pm

    LMAO. ok I think I need to put this into context a bit more for you people that are confused:
    1) I wrote it because the man in question actually told me to, he wanted verification that his behaviour did not suggest in any way that he liked me or that he was wrong for leaving for 2 hours
    2)This isn’t just any guy that I met on the road who was toasting me. This guy was a colleague of my uncles (late 20’s) who he had described as responsible and had arranged to take me out so for me going out with him was not a big deal. In fact I assumed his relationship with my uncle would have encouraged him to act more professionally.There’s no point of getting mad at him and not hanging out again because then it would have my uncle asking questions and things just getting AWKWARD
    3)Please dont think I was some naive girl that was blind-sighted by his behaviour. We had an arrangement. If he wanted to act a fool or go out of his way to take me act, then cool. All I’m saying is he knew where I stood, but just chose not listen. What came later wasn’t surprising.
    4)I lot of you are saying that I encouraged him and knew what he was doing. LMAO. YES of course I knew what he was doing, and I told him several times that if he liked me I wasn’t interested, but he was determined to keep up his game, not knowing that I was 5 steps ahead of him. He thought he was too good to resisted.
    5)I am writing this from the perspective of a single woman that wasn’t interested and was just biding her time for this guy 2 reveal his true colours. When I talk about not putting up with this behaviour, I’m talking of women that actually considering dating these guys seriously, I mean long term.

    • Codedone

      March 27, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Bim after reading your retort, I truly believe U and the guy are perfect for each other. U’re both clueless and I hate that I’ve spent the last 5 mins reading and replying to this. Write something more productive next time. I do like that U stated that he was “entertainment” and it’s cool that U aren’t mad. But your original write-up painted him as a bug-a-boo that’s why U got the responses U got. Cheers British thinking person

    • Her

      March 27, 2014 at 3:12 pm

      ohh Bim, u should not have written this reply. I can see all the readers coming for you in 5, 4, 3……

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 3:24 pm

      @Her Let them come! my armour is intact 😉 heheheheh I like to speak my mind and maybe my perspective is different. As long as they aren’t disrespectful my ears and eyes are open for feedback 🙂

    • Neo

      March 27, 2014 at 3:18 pm

      I wasn’t going to comment but I read this and…. well here goes.
      1. The reason you required this long ass rejoinder is because you have some difficulty expressing yourself and i can tell that from the article and from your interactions with Randy.
      2. You complained about his sense of entitlement, showing up at your office and “marking his territory” but to echo the other comments you encouraged and stood for it. Rides and gifts in exchange for the pleasure of your oh so charming company? Now who has a sense of entitlement? Vals gifts just to spite your work colleagues? If it were such a “gentleman’s agreement” as you put it i dont understand why you feel slighted.
      3. If you werent interested why wait for him to reveal his true colours? of what relevance are these said colours to you as uninterested as you were? Yes, some women will date Mr Entitled Randy because some women like that type of man, some women like them “assertive” “territorial” and I wont question their choices. I would question you though with your being 5 steps ahead and all.
      4. He was rude to leave you at the table yes but as my lawyer friends would say “volenti non fit injuria” Nobody dragged you out of your house for dinner and since you’d managed to save so much of your slave wages with the free rides and all, i bet you could have paid for your meal and managed a cab ride home.

      Please excuse me if this comes off a tad catty, this just rubbed me the wrong way. Plus, its that time of the month.

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 3:37 pm

      LMAO nah it doesn’t seem Catty at all 🙂 Truth is I actually enjoyed his company so chilling with him was no biggie for me, especially since he insisted he wasn’t interested. Plus you need to recognise that I was doing my NYSC, didn’t really know anywhere and he offered to take me out. Better than staying at home doing nothing. I enjoyed his friendship but didn’t expect that he would be able to keep the game up for long. When it came to paying for my meal and going home… If only…my guardians let me out knowing that he was taking me, If I would have arrived home without him then…… Wahala

    • Ewa

      March 27, 2014 at 3:26 pm

      Miss Akinmade, how old are you? 15 years? Oh please… SMH..

    • whocares

      March 27, 2014 at 3:52 pm

      Ahhh.. I begin to see daylight. Firstly, HE WAS SOOOOOO WRONG (feel free to scream it at him as I have typed it). This rejoinder definitely puts things in perspective for me. True, if he was aware of your stance relationship wise and he kept on coming back in the hopes that he could change your mind.. Oh I get it now.. All of that was not evident in the initial article at all.

    • moses

      March 27, 2014 at 4:14 pm

      I wanna commend you for writing this post. I think even people that disagree with you or question your judgement would learn from this post. I am not gonna shine the light on what I think you did wrong in your relationship with Mr Randy. But I am here to tell my fellow men to not shy from telling a girl how they feel from day one. What is wrong in telling a girl you are crazy about her after few meetings? I doesn’t take that long to know if you are interested in a girl or not. We need to stop looking like a fool that we are. I think we are cowards if we don’t do the right thing first at all times. First thing first always, let her know what you are thinking.

    • jcsgrl

      March 27, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      Lol I’m happy you’re laughing at yourself. I guess you enjoyed the attention while it lasted. But can you swear that you’re not catching feelings for the guy? Not even a pang of jealousy? huh huh

    • Que.....what is wrong wit my avatar and ID???*confused*

      March 27, 2014 at 7:35 pm

      He sent u on a verification exercise, following his 2hr absconding (in NYSC Lingua) n u too put hand to keyboard n came here with it…choi!… and this second epistle is what’s supposed to put things in perspective….. I guess we cant all understand, Cheers!

  15. Codedone

    March 27, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    Thank you my brother. Yes he took the piss on his behavior at dinner and by “claiming” U but you must think the people who come on this website are idiots. You took advantage of the mumu and then got mad cos he tried to get with you. U ARE THE MAJOR PISS TAKER IN THIS CAPER. Grow up little girl. No disrespect intended even if you deserve to be talked to #Fellingyourselfalittletoomuch

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      LMAO how exactly did I take advantage of the mumu? I would like to think that you men are smarter than that but it seems like you are implying otherwise. You say ‘no disrespect intended’ but u obviously intended to be disrespectful, so in this case I think it is you that needs 2 grow up.

  16. Codedone

    March 27, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    Well I was spewing whatever little wisdom my “childish” behind had to give. I had to resort to such since it was obvious that I wasn’t really talking to a grown up. Again no disrespect intended 🙂

    • Bim Akinmade

      March 27, 2014 at 3:21 pm

      LMAO u are an interesting character. Let’s agree to disagree mr no disrespect intended 🙂

  17. Codedone

    March 27, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    I actually apologize for being a little disrespectful but this article was silly. It’s well written but silly. Guys we all know, no means no, Smiles don’t mean anything, so please lets respect ourselves even when we think we can overcome all conquests. Humble yourselves, everything ain’t for U

    • Dr. N

      March 27, 2014 at 3:35 pm

      A little disrespectful? Chuckles. Nice

    • L'afrique

      March 27, 2014 at 3:56 pm

      @Codedone. You’re so full of it! Dig a hole and stay there please! Nobody is impressed with Bim’s behaviour. In fact when I was reading it, I was hoping it was fiction because some of the blunders she was making seemed unbelievable. But the way you’re carrying on, I suspect you’re even the subject matter of the article.

      And now you’ve come up with this half baked apology urging respect for one another. Abeg go and read some lad mag and free us

  18. laide

    March 27, 2014 at 3:17 pm

    Erm BN, why didn’t I get a notification that u now permit silly ranting?.

  19. masked

    March 27, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    OMG!!! In as much as she’s a bit contradictory, i couldn’t help but laugh really hard at the descriptions of the date and delivery of gifts…We girls sef…you don’t want, then stop hanging around him and giving him hopes.
    i don’t think the guy was however acting ”entitled”…he was just being a regular guy. He wants something and he’s trying his best to get it

  20. Asher

    March 27, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    Bim and Coded….Hmmmm….The road to true love is not always…”hi baby you are my african queen”…it could also be in the form of ” ohh babe you’re the major piss taker”….You guys should just shake hands(french kiss sef) and be cool.

    • koko

      March 27, 2014 at 4:08 pm

      lmao…my thoughts exactly oo

    • lilz

      March 27, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      loooollllll

    • John de Beloved

      March 27, 2014 at 4:48 pm

      heheheheheh I second the Motion.

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 27, 2014 at 5:00 pm

      I didn’t want to be the one to make that keen observation… hehehehehe…

      I kid, I kid. For all we know, Coded1’s already loved-up and off the market.

    • Que.....what is wrong wit my avatar and ID???*confused*

      March 27, 2014 at 6:22 pm

      But just incase he is not….*wink wink*

    • Mz Socially Awkward...

      March 28, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      @Que, love is a beaurriful thing as long as hearts are not being broken. If Coded1’s available and willing, he should carry go… (:

    • meme

      March 27, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      LIKEEE.i just dey observe! you guys going back and forth.. her email addy is clearly stated here and on her blog. so codedone if you are single you can both continue the “argument” via mail..she said you are an “interesting character” lol.. bye y’all

  21. Bliss

    March 27, 2014 at 3:50 pm

    After reading this article, I was scratching my head, wondering what to think. Perfect writing but very contradictory!!! You clearly like this guy. I said like, not liked. But your ego just like he’s made u think you were being entertained. No woman would put so much time and effort into writing such an epistle about some guy she wasn’t/ isn’t even interested in. Who u fooling here? And just FYI, u may have initially been “entertained” but dude got the last laugh. He INTENTIONALLY technically stood u up at the dinner by staying on the phone for two hours. I say intentional because he had been playing along too, and trust me, he wasn’t clueless about ur intentions. It was clearly his turn to shove ur attitude up ur a**. Don’t be expecting any apology. Staying on the phone was premeditatedly geared at offending u and apologizing defers the purpose. He will never apologize. Btw, you should never date anyone with such an ego, cuz u have a terrible one too.

  22. My Head dey There

    March 27, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Bim, all i see is the rant of a girl that felt used.

    You came here to rant cos it’s a lady-dominated-site and gain pity? Oh sorry am gaan lash you.

    We know when a girl is pained, angry or annoyed. You can write all you want. It pained you so much that you cant even get over it than to put it out to the whole world.

    You think everyone is a dummy that will accept all you wrote here? I can see ll the words you are using for the guy in your replies to other BN comments like mumu….

    You are the overall mumu. Your own mumu get part 2, infact raised to power 10.
    You obviously liked the guy and enjoyed his presence, car, ride, gift and all you have described in the first few paragraphs. After the guy now told you he liked one girl and went to make calls, it now got to you.

    You wanted to receive valentine gift so your colleagues can be jealousy? See this childish girl. He was doing all that to you in the club and yet you kept playing along? Dem tie you there with rope? If you no like am you no fit waka?

    “Girls like guys with humility; someone that’s honest about their intentions and doesn’t try to convince them that they only want friendship when really they want a lot more who you think you’re fooling?, You knew he wanted more and you still said “you thought was a strictly friend thingy? Babe you too dey paranya

    Welcome to the club dear mumu (in your own words) Bim Akinmade. You are very young for this game and you are a learner. If you like come from pluto or jupiter, england or jamaica.

    Just wasted my precious time reading your personal eish.

    • My Head dey There

      March 27, 2014 at 3:55 pm

      *jealous*

    • person

      March 27, 2014 at 11:56 pm

      Bwahahaha! Your head over dey there! I was reading this and asked myself, ‘is she 12?’ Like seriously?! I’m glad he left her at the dinner table. Why was waiting for him to pay? Women sef.

    • D

      March 28, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      I have to say that yes I was one to write that she contradicted herself and we know she did and if she is honest with herself , she will admit she did but that does not necessarily mean she liked/likes the guy in the whole “romantic” sense. I’ve accepted gifts from guys that I thought were ok and made clear nothing was going to happen but still thought they could change my mind (that was in high school though), and that’s why it buggles my mind that there are ladies who don’t out grow this sort of behaviour. I have since learned that the whole concept of sowing and reaping is a universal law just like the law of gravity and as such it is never wise to mess with any one that way. My point is her behaviour or writing about it does not necessarily mean she liked/likes the dude. Go and ask Taylor Swift and Adele…

  23. girly

    March 27, 2014 at 4:25 pm

    @asher LOOOOOOL

  24. simi

    March 27, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    really when i was reading this what i had in mind was “this is a confused writer”. totally off point. you keep contradicting yourself and no we are not interested in childish stories like this. you seem like a well educated young woman who should know how to express herself. cant believe i wasted 15 mins from work to read about your escapades and you still gave an advise after. girls have issues abeg

  25. Changing Faces

    March 27, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    BN, you fall hand na. Which kain yeye story is this? Or is she your family friend? This “article ” is wrong on so many levels!

    Madam Unentitled, are you for real? You sound like an arrogant know it all. You asked for presents to put your colleagues in their place. This same you had your stony faced house girl stand by while you gave your terms and conditions? Wow! You are the entitled one with a huge ego to match! You were not interested in dating him, yet you waited 2 hours for him to come back and pay for your meal? You never hear of vex money? I even feel sorry for the guy, must be hard to keep up with you…always being 5 steps ahead!

  26. Ibukun

    March 27, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Wharris is all this??? Bim I can bet you’re really not laughing your a** out so can you please stop typing it before your silly retorts, tah! The write-up is faulty enough for crying out loud, whats with the follow up rants?? iwa omode gbaaaa!

  27. ogeAdiro

    March 27, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    You didn’t like the guy but you enjoyed, encouraged, and accepted what he had to offer. Your rationale: He said you were just friends. The guy left you for 2 hours to talk to another girl and never apologized. You know what they say, “hoes before bros”. So you should’ve been happy for him. Abi no be you sign up to be friend? You’re even lucky that he came back.

  28. camo

    March 27, 2014 at 5:54 pm

    I am surprised at the outrage this article is receiving. I am confused like I am the only one that understood the article.
    1. People are asking her why she was enjoying the ride? Biko did u ppl not read the article? It was a ride to work arranged by her uncle whom she was living with, if she had at some point stopped, what would she tell her uncle? that the guy asked her out? which he didnt. By tehn everyone will run out and say she jumped to conclusion. Who refuses a ride to work when the guy consistently tells you that he is just friends (even if you suspect his intentions)
    2. Its a val gift biko not a proposal. I ve had ppl that had girlfriends give me val gift i just thank them reciprocate out of sense of duty and waka pass, I really see nothing in it especially as the person didn’t propose a relationship or otherwise, whats the big deal in this val sef.
    What I understood from the article shaa is a picture of a guy that wanted more but was playing around trying to trap her emotionally simple, hence she is calling out all guys to be bold at it and stop playing games. I didnt see anywhere in the article where she said she hated the guy, infact she repeated that she enjoyed his company. her only ‘beef’ with him was the fact that he was trying to woo her and still denying it. This is some shit guys do, fast forward to the future when they are tired and u re already hooked they deny that they ever asked you out. By then time would ve blurred events so much that you too can not remember. I see people telling her that she is too young for this game, meaning in naija relationship is a game. No one comes out fully to say what they want. Its alright. Bim e be like say na only me get your story o and consequently we be johnny just come for relationship games the painful part is that I am too old to start learning.

    • Dr. N

      March 27, 2014 at 9:03 pm

      Thot I alone saw it that way. The outrage was interesting

    • Changing Faces

      March 27, 2014 at 9:54 pm

      Maybe you should go and read it again… Cos you just wrote a completely different article

    • me

      March 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm

      What was different in what she wrote?

  29. Daisy

    March 27, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    Wow! Give her a break!!! The point she is trying to make is quite clear. There are a lot of men that think that you will return a favour from them with sex, with or without a romantic relationship. That is the point of this article.

  30. esteelauder

    March 27, 2014 at 6:49 pm

    And when I send correct articles to bellanaija, they won’t reply *rme* just look @ this story……

    • nene

      March 27, 2014 at 11:22 pm

      i feel you my dear. this story just seems like a lower standard for BN. yes it’s her personal thought, since she also has a blog, but considering the guidelines BN has for publishing, this story is all over the place.

  31. Sunshine

    March 27, 2014 at 10:45 pm

    Am sure this is a learning curve for Bim. Whether a true life experience or fictional, she will have a second thought before posting. Covered my mouth in embarrassment as I read the piece. Not with the calibre of commenters we have here…….Oh well. It’s done.

  32. Maiden

    March 27, 2014 at 11:00 pm

    Complete trash! You came here to do dear diary abi? You just seem naive, confused and pained. Grow up dear. Both of you are playing games, seems like he’s ahead and you’ve come here to convince yourself that you have upper hand. Your relatives warned you about his Casanova ways, would that be the same uncle that hooked you guys up, just asking. Nne, accept that you like him, you’re drawn to him, see how you described his eyes, you’re in denial. You can’t have him for certain reasons, and it pains you so now you’re here to rant. I don’t even know whether to feel sorry for you or hug you. But I hope you grow up, look back on this foolishness and have a good laugh at yourself.

  33. RIRI-ROSE

    March 27, 2014 at 11:15 pm

    Nice article. I think she let him wassup but the brother didnt just wanna see. Cool cat, he thinks of himself. Ladies, this is my own, lay out ur cards from the very beginning. It doesnt matter if u r being taken to a 5 star restaurant every weekend or that mama put just around ur corner. Be straight up and let the other person know in clear cut terms what u want and what you dont want. U dont wanna date him, let him or her know. you want a lil time to catch ur breath, let that sister know. You want a fling, it dsnt hurt in letting her know. U r just looking for a good time? spell it out sister. it will help reduce the number of broken hearts. You dont spell what u want, you dont even like a brother, yet you are receiving all the gifts and special moments??? Beht why? then later bemoan the fact that you never told him or her you were dating? quit all this confusion. Im a chick. If a guy comes on to me and I dont like him, trust me, I will tell him that, albeit gently and with diplomacy, I will not go on dates no matter how brotherly it seems. I have 2 brothers if I want a brotherly date. I will not accept lifts in his car no matter how comfortable it might be. Iv got my legs/okada/keke/cabu cabu money and recently, bought my own car now (yay). Ladies, dont bite more than you can chew pls, so that the ‘stereotypification’ of us women as money hungry can diminish if not end and guys, really, una never tire for the games? Stop messing with people’s hearts. It is really not cool. This to me, is my own two kobo.

  34. Free

    March 28, 2014 at 4:46 am

    Even though the guy felt entitled, you also led him on. Trying to be just ‘friends’ with someone who is interested in more, usually ends up awkward. Leaving you for 20 minutes at the restaurant was his not so subtle revenge.

  35. Cti

    March 28, 2014 at 5:39 am

    Funny thing is most of you ladies havd been in situations similar to this,but you lot are criticising her like shes saying nonsense. These things happen everyday, it takes the grace of God not to get sucked up in situations like this.
    Bim thank u for sharing.

  36. entrepreneursfactory

    March 28, 2014 at 11:27 am

    NO FREE LUNCH ANYWHERE

  37. entrepreneursfactory

    March 28, 2014 at 11:29 am

    no free lunch anywhere

  38. entrepreneursfactory

    March 28, 2014 at 11:31 am

    no free lunch anywhere biko

    • L'afrique

      March 30, 2014 at 4:11 am

      Yes boss. We heard you the first 2 times.

  39. jaybee

    March 28, 2014 at 4:03 pm

    Article was all over the place,lol!and of course she led him on,going on dates and all.

  40. Baby Giwa

    March 28, 2014 at 4:30 pm

    Come on Bim, u encouraged him a bit. No is no

  41. dobz

    March 28, 2014 at 5:48 pm

    The article is definitely not as annoying as her ‘loling’ and dumb responses.

  42. Dee-USA

    March 28, 2014 at 7:25 pm

    Anyone suggesting this is “perfect” writing doesn’t know much about writing. After reading she is a budding writer, I can see why the entire write up is filled with errors, bad writing mistakes and a host more. But since the requirement for getting published here is quite low, I’ll leave matter.

    Without reading more than 10 comments, I’m pretty sure everyone else has summarized my point, which is that the writer is confused about her own expectations. You encourage a guy to “val” you knowing the culture of this occasion in Nigeria. You hint at being a gold digger (which characterizes your wanting to get free rides, gifts, dinners without any expectations beyond just enjoying the monetary trappings he is offering you) while blatantly stating you’re not (guilty conscience?) and you expect your audience to sympathize with you.

  43. me

    March 28, 2014 at 8:28 pm

    What was different in what she wrote?

  44. Dupe

    March 28, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    I’m so glad there are so many grown ups on this blog. @ Bim, i loved ur articles on Being Mary Jane and the church boy or sth, so I went to your blog then. I have seen this story on your blog and needless to say I was disgusted, upset and horrified not only at this story but how you described everyone in Nigeria as being despicable and disgusting. I really could not imagine how a person could be so arrogant and disdainful of ur own country cos you grew up in Britan.

    I agree with many of the commenters you have a lot of growing up to do. My fellow Bella Nigerians please go and read the posts on her blog, you will be horrified

    • silky creme

      March 29, 2014 at 12:13 am

      Thank you dupe. Literally, I just wasted 20 minutes of my life browsing through her blog! She referred to Nigeria as a low-man’s land and a ‘wayward country’, how disdainful!
      Plus Bim, you’re sucha pants on fire ni**a. You wrote it clearly on your blog that the man is in his thirties, and here you are claiming ‘late twenties’. Haba aunty!
      In my own opinion though, you deserved what you got. After reading the whole story-from your blog particularly, you intentionally made this man misconstrue your actions…Lol, so much for your, ‘women stop reinforcing their entitled behaviour’…how ironical.

  45. King

    March 28, 2014 at 10:40 pm

    Don’t tell me you have been waiting on an apology for 2 good years! Wow!! You must really like this guy o. If he reads this, that would be the message he is getting. You are not even married. What’s the basis for habouring a grievance for so long?

    As a psychology student, I don’t expect that you would be troubled by his reaction after all your green lights. Not sure what you were testing but oops, I forgot, you actually do like him.

    For an upcoming writer, this is a wrong move dear. Like they say, “Never mix business with pleasure.” The article was all over the place and it really didn’t make any sense, as in, I don’t see your reasons.

    Finally, I wonder what Randy’s own version of the story will be.

  46. scentimental

    March 30, 2014 at 6:57 am

    @bims @coded1: just because of people like you, this site should be for mature-minded +18 folks only. I had greater hopes for Bims but with this disjointed article, she just fell my hand. Guys, get a grip and take your bickering somewhere else… to your car rides/dinner date, maybe. #signout

  47. somebody

    March 30, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Hi Bim,
    I know how u feel…. I know d dude u re referring too. Its so sad how he goes around doing same thing.
    Was a victim to his sweet tongue. His name starts with the letter E.

    Soon he will be disgraced publicly.
    What’s your email address? Let’s chat!

  48. Brightonlad

    March 30, 2014 at 2:35 pm

    I hate when gals tlk like this and this article annoyed me. A good woman should also know that wen a man starts offering to take you for dinner and buys gifts for you on Valentine day, it is just more than being friends. I agree that men should express what their aim with the woman is, but you willingly accepted and didn’t draw any line because inside you loved the attention you were getting. I think you are a bit confused like most females are.

  49. CurvesAndEdges

    March 30, 2014 at 10:05 pm

    You sat there and waited two hours for him to come back from his phone call?

  50. Miss B

    March 31, 2014 at 10:32 am

    Apart from how poorly written this whole piece is, I fail to see the point to it. In summary a guy liked you and you didn’t like him back? Couldn’t you have just tweeted that?

  51. Legally blonde

    May 16, 2014 at 7:15 am

    Bim, you were simply manipulative and met your match, you cant eat your cake and have it. That’s a lesson right there. You are trying to pass a message across that guys should do things without expecting nothing back, but you fail to recognize your own manipulative tendencies to get things from him as it suits you and then go behind and call him mumu. We all need to be honest with ourselves, you clearly didnt mind getting favors as long as he kept dishing them out and doesnt want anything in return and that to you is still “mumu”, what exactly do you want?. I’m wondering why the facts on your blog slightly differ from those on BN.

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