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Nicole the Fertile Chick: When Trying To Conceive Takes Over Your Life

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There is no woman on a bigger mission than she who is trying to conceive. I realized this first hand. Her every breathing, waking, and even tranquil thought revolves around baby. That is her obsession.

My own obsession began fairly early in my marriage. After the 4th unsuccessful cycle, I had baby on the brain pretty much every second of my life. When I was with my husband, when I was with friends, when I was with my family, when I was at work, it didn’t matter where I was, or whom I was with, if I didn’t start off thinking baby, I sure as heck ended up thinking it.

At work, my productivity took a nose-dive. I was constantly on the internet, looking for answers to everything and anything. I researched all the causes of infertility, and diagnosed myself with every single one of them. I joined a dozen online forums, and when I wasn’t posting a plethora of questions, I was constantly on the lookout for responses and new posts. I knew what every day of my cycle was supposed to bring, and how Dr. Google said I was supposed to feel. How I did not lose my job is a mystery to me.

With my close friends, our conversations would almost always navigate to how I was feeling at that time….who had made an insensitive comment, who had just gotten pregnant…..what treatment I was on….it was me, me, me! What an emotional drain I must have been! Neither of my 2 best friends was trying for a baby, or even married, at the time, but they had to constantly listen to me whine and complain. Even when we were out at the movies, or having drinks, at some point in time, the topic would be my current (in)fertility misadventure. God really worked overtime on those beautiful ladies, because they were too good to me!

Going to church was another thing. I will confidently say that for 3 years straight, I probably did not hear a word of the sermon at Mass. I was almost always fixated on some baby or the other. And to make matters worse, my fellow parishioners were so fertile it was ridiculous! There was this family that added a new child to its brood every-single-year! Every Sunday, they would fall into church in a confused, disorganized mess, the mother permanently irritated and exasperated in her bid to control about 5 toddlers, with the remaining 3 or 4 older children, and even their father, not helping much. And there I would be, every hair intact and nothing out of place, but wanting so much to trade places with this woman. And the issue with church was not just coveting other people’s children, it was also having to deal with all the innuendo, pity, and even gossip. As the number of days from your wedding (which most of them had attended) increased, so did the questions, the concern. Some would vocalize this concern, others wouldn’t, but it was always there….in every conversation, in every greeting….the proverbial elephant in the room! In the end, I would leave church feeling worse than when I got there. It was much later in that journey, when I reconnected with God, that I was able to drown the white noise, and find peace in His house.

And my mother….my dear, dear Mother…she was probably the only one in the world more anxious than I was. She tried to present a cool and calm demeanor, but before long, she would be reeling out Bible Passages and Psalms I had to read, prayers I had to say, Holy Water and olive oil I had to douse myself in, etc. My “situation” was her every waking thought, and I know it was the reason she spent hours at the Blessed Sacrament, day in, day out. Oh Mommy dearest! What would I have done without you?

But the aspect of my life that perhaps suffered the most was my home life. My poor husband always found himself getting an earful. It was a constant moan fest about why this was happening to us, about how many of our friends, colleagues, neighbors and acquaintances were pregnant, about how I was sure he would leave me and go have children elsewhere, about how unfair the universe was being to us, about what sex position and timing I had heard improved pregnancy chances, about what vitamins and supplements we both should take it, about how he was being selfish by refusing to take said vitamins and supplements….it just went on and on. I couldn’t put on the TV without thinking baby! I couldn’t open a magazine without thinking baby! My dear husband had the patience of a saint. He never tired of listening to, and reassuring, me, but also never hesitated to scold me when my ranting veered into foolish zone. He was truly awesome.

It wasn’t till my first cycle of IVF failed that I finally realized I had to take a chill pill. It pretty much took my world crashing down from that disappointment for me to reassess my life. I was able to accept that there was a possibility that I might not have any biological children. I had to decide if I was going to spend the rest of my life chasing shadows and possibly losing everything that was important to me, or taking my life back. I basically had to hit rock bottom to be able to pull myself up, and stand again.

By the time I was on my second cycle, I was in a much better place mentally, and was far less of an emotional drain on my loved ones (at least, I hope so ☺). I was able to honestly adopt an accepting outlook, open to the fact that the cycle could, or couldn’t, work. I was able to finally release everything.

And with that, I had a much better outcome.

Basically, I learnt that yes, if I allowed it, my infertility could consume my life. But what is life if all relationships, all achievements, all ambitions end up destroyed. It might be difficult, but we need to be able to find a way to exhale…and to release! Even when traversing this road of infertility, take time to stop and smell the roses. Take time to appreciate the things that ARE going well for you. Do not compromise your marriage, friendships, career, or even reputation for it. Because, guess what?! One day, hopefully, that infertility journey will end. It is critical that you ensure that everything else in your life is not in cinders. Food for thought!

Here’s wishing us all the best 2015 has to offer! Happy New Year, folks!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Luminastock

Nicole is a woman in her late 30s, with a passion for all things fertility related. She suffered infertility for the first 3 years of her marriage, and found it extremely isolating. After she had her kids, she started The Fertile Chick (www.thefertilechickonline.com) to create a community and happy-place for all women, in various stages of the fertility journey.

34 Comments

  1. Tosin

    December 29, 2014 at 10:18 am

    Nice writing. Very nice. Glad you got your bundles of joy right on time.

    Is there an actual thing called a chill pill? Maybe in aerosol form so you can administer it to people around you who need it? Hmm, maybe second-hand weed or sum’in. Then we need an electronic version to spray on twitter sometimes. Just feeling inspired.

  2. Hmmm

    December 29, 2014 at 10:36 am

    I’m just in your place right now and it’s being 3 years of trying so hard…..every other person I attended their wedding already have kids and those that married the same year have 2 already. I really have hit rock bottom. I always go to namings and go with the best gifts, I practically run off cause I feel everyone is either talking about me or f feeling pity for me. Aaaargh and that prayer for the barren were everyone looks at you from the corner of their eyes, I can’t get over it….

    Been to hospitals and not to talk of prayer places, we’re am told to sow, can’t even begin to wonder how I’ve sown to those that are saying the truth to you or those that hide under the bible to defraud you. Even at that, some say after this it is over and then it persists

    I really do need to get to that place were I have this mental peace, my hubby has been a rock but I keep wondering for how long more!!! This is NIgeria and the Gino’s don’t joke with this, so for how long will I keep being that barren woman and stop getting advice and instructions from some clueless people.

    I need peace, so help me God.

    • Eberechukwu

      December 29, 2014 at 11:43 am

      God will answer your prayers sweetie.

    • Tess

      December 29, 2014 at 12:43 pm

      Here is wishing you an extra special 2015…

    • ennygarl

      December 29, 2014 at 2:05 pm

      God is not a robber!!! He will give all his /her heart desires, be strong dear sis. he will show up for us ,.Be encourage with this word
      28 Don’t you know anything? Haven’t you been listening? God doesn’t come and go. God lasts. He’s Creator of all you can see or imagine. He doesn’t get tired out, doesn’t pause to catch his breath. And he knows everything, inside and out. 29 He energizes those who get tired, gives fresh strength to dropouts. 30 For even young people tire and drop out, young folk in their prime stumble and fall. 31 But those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don’t get tired, they walk and don’t lag behind.

    • Nero

      December 29, 2014 at 2:56 pm

      God will surely grant you ,your heart’s desire in Jesus Name. You will laugh and it will never cease in your home… Chin up dear

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      My dear, I feel you 100%….it’s not easy at all. Finding that inner peace despite the struggle of infertility isn’t easy at all! But God is your strength! If you need to chat more, you could shoot me an email ([email protected])

    • Prettymumtobe

      December 29, 2014 at 4:49 pm

      God will surely do it for you! But have you guys considered Assisted procedures? Mine after 2 years we discovered hubby had low motility and we decided to go straight to ivf/icsi. Good luck to you and just know this too will pass!

  3. Prettymumtobe

    December 29, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Thanks Nicole, your write ups have been very helpful. Am here obsessing over every symtom (am currently in my 2ww) I can’t help it. Christmas was almost ruined for me but thank God for hubby he’s so great. The thought of entering the New Year with a BFN is dreadful but then again It is well!!!

    • Zinfly

      December 29, 2014 at 12:42 pm

      Prettymumtobe, I can relate to your comment, I am currently on my tww and it’s been one hell of a Christmas. Been trying for 2 years and it cannot deal with another bfn. Fingers crossed for us and by Gods grace 2015 wil show us in with a our testimony.

    • Prettymumtobe

      December 29, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      Aw www I pray you get a BFP, the waiting is unbearable… How are you coping? My first was a BFP but had to terminate at 24w due to medical reasons. I was heart broken but had to pick myself up to do this FET, I don’t know if I can deal with a disappointment. God will surely give us both a lovely Christmas/New Years gift IJN!

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:36 pm

      Good luck with the 2ww, Prettymumtobe! I really pray that you get that New Year BFP blessing!

      Good luck as well, Zinfly!

  4. guess

    December 29, 2014 at 10:54 am

    Wow! This article describes me perfectly. I’m taking an overdose of chill pills. Whew!

  5. mee

    December 29, 2014 at 11:18 am

    nice one dear am currently not on the fertility trip bt am on a trip where am compromising my friendships and relationship with friends becos of my perceived joblessness nd single status. This article is a reminder dt this too will pass away. Time to catch up on friends

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      Very true, mee! Infertility isn’t the only thing we allow steal our joy. But truly, we just have to learn how to find joy in our lives, despite what might be hurting us the most! Like you put it, this too shall pass! Good luck!

  6. Tess

    December 29, 2014 at 12:38 pm

    Nice write up,currently in the situation but mbok, ‘i cannot come and go and die’.. the period i got a month after my wedding i wept,so you can imagine how i was with the months that came by… lol @ mummy dearest.same here too,i know all the psalms that holds God promises.midnight prayers,olive oil and holy water,i have even eaten mustard seed,while of course jumping from one test to another,i am an only child so my folks are not resting at all. oh and everyone around me is pregnant.. #sigh# but i know it will pass,we will do ivf in january hopefully that works. I just know i will have children so i pray for God to give me patience and the right attitude while waiting. Goodluck to everyone TTC

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      LOL! I even forgot to include mustard seed! But we thank God for parents who care enough to worry! Good luck with your IVF cycle. Have you decided what clinic to use? Wishing you all the very best!

  7. Theresa

    December 29, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    Very nice writing, NIcole, thanks. To all women trying to conceive, have you thought of helping out at Children sunday schools, orphanages, nurseries etc? I found out from my experience and that of two other friends, that instead of focusing on our desperation for babies, if we helped others, it brings joy.

    There is no guarantee that you will have a baby when you start volunteering at places where you meet children. But it has benefits:
    1. takes your mind off your problems, making you less selfish
    2. it also helps you to appreciate children even though they are not yours and even learn some lessons from them,
    3. You can provide much needed practical and emotional support, especially to orphans who need aunties/mentors
    4. You will be so much happier; you can’t give joy/love, without getting it back.
    5. You will make a difference in some kid’s life by your presence, your smiles, your encouragement, your support…

    I have found that sometimes when God doesn’t seem to answer our prayers right away, He probably wants us to be the answer to another person’s prayer. And His joy and peace will keep us going regardless of what happens.
    All the best ladies…

    • jcsgrl

      December 29, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      Absolutely, Theresa! However, it is easier said than done. People are at different paths in their life and can do it but some cant. It could be emotional torture for them. We can ask God for the grace to look past what we don’t have to help others at their time of need. For me,there are times when I don’t mind helping out with the kids and there are times when I dont want kids around me. So each person is different on what they can handle. The goal is to first come to a place of peace in God, rest I might say. Then the more we realize we are blessed and so are our wombs regardless of the current infertility the easier it is to not be soo concerned with the inability to have children.
      Personally, my infertility journey has affected my relationship with God the most and thats the place I want to start with first…getting that healing and assurance so I can help others as well

    • Profound

      December 29, 2014 at 3:50 pm

      Hugs for you jcsgirl. You sound like such a lovely lady. Fret not my darling because your day of joy is imminent. I totally understand why your relationship with God may not be the strongest at the moment, but after all is said and done, our help cometh from God, so we ultimately have to draw close to him. I know you’ll do just that. Also, always remember that delay is not denial. Love.

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:44 pm

      jcgirl, you couldn’t have put it any better! Whilst it is fantastic in theory, it is not as easy in reality! I did my best to immerse myself in charitable works when I was still TTC, but sometimes, I felt so spiritually low that it felt almost fake. It takes a LOT for one’s faith not to falter in this season of a woman’s life. My relationship with God fell apart for a long while, and it took His special grace for me to make my way back to Him. I’m glad I did….but it wasn’t easy.

  8. Tush

    December 29, 2014 at 2:43 pm

    I love reading ur articles. I dont know if i shld be worried tho. Been doing it unprotected with my Fiance for about 4 months n nothing has happened yet. We figured out dat we shld start early since we getting married first quarter of next year. He is also igbo n the only child of his father, while am yoruba. Am getting extremely anxious already. Even getting to a point where am beginning to drag my feet about the wedding.

    • Profound

      December 29, 2014 at 3:53 pm

      Hi Tush, it will happen, but you need to calm down. Our body responds to stress signals, so that could inadvertently be contributing to you not getting pregnant. Trying for 4 months is nothing to worry about. Just do your part i.e eat healthy, monitor your cycle, so as to know your fertile periods, then take each month as it comes. Worrying never solved any problems. All the best darling.

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 4:46 pm

      Thanks Tush! And I wouldn’t worry, if I were you. 4 months isn’t a long time. For now, just focus on your wedding plans, and you will tackle the beast (if there is even any) when you get there. For all you know, you might be one of the lucky women who conceive on their wedding night ;-). So don’t worry!

  9. Chukwufumnanya

    December 29, 2014 at 5:17 pm

    …………………Waiting can really be a trying time and in most cases would stretch you to the limit. It always seems like the world was passing you by but then again it helps us understand that life can be funny and also helps us appreciate other peoples struggle. Having to wait a few months after NYSC to secure a job were the longest months of my life, when I then see those BBM updates like “My boss is so annoying” , I would started brooding. To say I was loosing my mind is to put it mildly, and then having to sit home and watch the clock drag from 7am to 7pm. Geez, there were days it was like the clock was not moving.
    The experience helped me understand peoples plight about unemployment, having to sit at home each day with no where to go and worse of all no cash in your pocket can be a really daunting one.
    Is it the period of being single that is easy, the fear of checking your Facebook account becomes real. It begins to look like the whole world is getting hooked except you.
    God bless you Nicole and bless your kids even more. I’ve always said, the people who are entitled to preach certain sermons are those who have journeyed through that road. Have a merry celebration everyone and an amazing 2015.

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 7:04 pm

      God bless you too, Chukwufumnanya (I love your name)! Waiting is tough, no matter what it is one is waiting for! May the Good Lord give us the strength to persevere and wait for our individual rainbows!

  10. oj

    December 29, 2014 at 5:26 pm

    This life! Some are worried sick in their search for a marriage mate, others are married but anxiously searching for the fruit of the womb, still others are anxious about how to provide for their kids. others just want to live and see tomorrow. O God, hear our prayers!

  11. Oma D

    December 29, 2014 at 6:23 pm

    I really appreciate the encouragement that came with the article but am really sad that African women especially live & would die for the need to have their own biological children out of them rather than going for the now common proven scientific method. The day I raised surrogacy to a family friend of ours I was reported to my mum as an ogbanje, lol…oh adoption is out of it, we can handle our own kids being mean, selfish, womanisers, whores but an innocent homeless even abandoned baby would be instantly stigmatised as maybe having been born from a cursed family or some other ridiculous excuse so as not to be adopted. My mum had two adopted kids she had birthed when she was in school of nursing that were unfortunately abandoned before she even married (& 9ja women she was 23 and still found husband) she took them in & they brought favour to her, She’s still adopting & the trend is big in my family, my son is 3, he was abandoned in Kenya & when I found out he had Nigerian origins I adopted him on my 26th birthday, he was 1 then, am 28 about to get married to my best friend & even if I never have my own child/children, am content in loving these kids, especially the autistic ones I work with & have as sisters. I pray someone out there would find the joy in taking in kids regardless of them not being their biological children because what u’d do still is love them, so why hurt 10/15 years childless when you can bless souls, quit the selfish games & take as much children as you can back to God when that trumpet sounds

    • Nicole

      December 29, 2014 at 7:05 pm

      Gosh, Oma D! If I could, I would like your comment 10000 times! Your Mom is amazing, and you are amazing! I’m in total awe of you, and pray that God blesses your kind heart. Kisses to your little boy!

    • Emma

      December 29, 2014 at 11:48 pm

      hi @ Oma D, could you please shed more light on your adoption, i have always had the impression that one can not adopt unless one is married. thank you
      i would love to adopt or be a foster parent.

  12. Oma D

    December 29, 2014 at 8:29 pm

    @ Nicole & every1 else thank u so much for the warm response…he’ll get his kisses, he luvs kind hearted women, I’ll tell him 1 sent him early new year kisses, have a good evening!

  13. ....

    December 29, 2014 at 8:57 pm

    I am just in your place right now! It’s so exhausting!

  14. jaygirl77

    December 29, 2014 at 10:10 pm

    To the ladies still believing..pls do not give up. It is when you think its over that is when God will prove he is still the Great One. I also was in my third year of marriage without any child but God is truly faithful. I had a particular cousin of my husband that her mission was to tell me the things to do to get pregnant. I dreaded phone calls cos the next question was,’How far? E don happen?’smh. And then we relocated. You would think I had some relief,for where. Oyibos are worse. ‘How many kids do you have? Oh,don’t you want any?’See me see trouble. Okay,let’s go for tests now. They revealed a lot,I had multiple fibroids. No wahala..its common with women from our country. But surgeon didn’t want to operate since I had not had children. I jumped on that,he didn’t say I Couldn’t. Okay,next, scan. They found out I had a septum in my uterus,meaning it was split in two. Doc said it doesn’t mean I can’t have children, I am still young,i was 34, jump number two. Exactly four months after all these tests, I got pregnant. Your days may seem very dark right now,just focus on that tiny ray of light . It is going to happen, just jump while you can before the big belly gets in the way. Lol. It is well.

  15. Oma D

    December 30, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    @ Emma re adoption
    hey sweetheart, am happy U’d love to be a foster parent. You don’t have to be married to adopt a child, you just have to show the necessary financial statements/adequate resources for the child/open or have the intentions of opening an account for the child, I had an Edu plan from Mansard insurance for my son, do all the medical tests & get his passport, apply to your home country for the child if you’re adopting from abroad, get an affidavit from the courts to acknowledge guardianship & a will probably (am a legal practitioner in the Uk & Nigeria so did these in both countries for him, but the 9ja bit was easier) & pray to God it’s the right move to make, not everyone who promises to love their adopted kids do, so please if your hearts in it go for it, if not you can always send alms to orphanages you believe in their causes. God bless you richly

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