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Seun Akinlosotu: Too Soon To Move On

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A few days ago I was scouting my usual social media sites and I came across the mention of a celeb whose marriage had dissolved towards the last quarter of 2014. There are now pictures of both the celeb & the spouse with other people whom judging by the level of intimacy in the pictures (how did they get to the media anyway?) it’s safe to assume both parties are now in relationships with other people. At first I just stared at the pictures and wondered if they were from a movie scene or something, but there where many of them and also more showing the other spouse in similar compromising poses. Just in case what I was reading at that moment was true, it gave rise to the question of how soon is too soon to move on from a dissolved relationship?

I sometimes wonder if it’s no longer cool or in vogue to spend time healing. You know… with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream and a dozen Georgetown cupcakes while watching Bridget Jones’s Diary. The last time I experienced a major heartbreak I couldn’t even eat. I lost major pounds on the scale within one week (dieters take note). I kept staring at every wall like I was in a psychiatric ward, and I refused to take a shower or even look like a human being. It did not occur to me even once to get up, shake my tushy and get to moving on with life until weeks had passed. I’m now beginning to think I was a little extra back then, and maybe that’s not how it’s done these days.

When you break up with a guy, how long are you permitted to stay single, mourning the relationship or the guy, or the benefits of dating him which I’m assuming are now off the table since y’all broke up right? What about when it comes to a dissolved marriage, how soon can either party move on? I’m asking from a theoretical point of view and also an ethical stand point – if any. I’m actually assuming a really, really bad break up that involved harsh words, throwing of furniture (Incredible Hulks, una well done o), possible physical abuse, etc. is devoid of morals anyway so maybe we shouldn’t even worry about that. Should we even bring a religious stand into this at all?

From my experience, a breakup is quite heartbreaking- an emotional turmoil. It is a commotion of the best worst feelings anyone could experience. I kind of believe this is true if the relationship was meaningful to you, and you loved your partner.
When I come across someone who just ended a relationship seemingly looking like they are having the time of their lives, I do an inward double take, side eye, and say to myself “humm….it sure didn’t take you long to get your groove back”.

I, however, wonder if it’s all a façade. Could one be in so much pain, that pretence is suddenly the Panadol to heartache? Perhaps there is no pretence and it is indeed quite possible to bounce back in what seems like a nano-second from a dissolved relationship. Maybe it is quite possible to not even think about the other person at all; once the goodbyes are said and the doors closed, that’s it. Finito! I mean, after all, memories of all those times spent together, meals eaten together, trips taken together, inside jokes, naughty private messages, dreams shared or killed- if you dated a dream killer.  Even intimacy could be forgotten just like that….really?

The Mills & Boons reading romanticist that I am, refuses to believe anyone can move on just like that. I am holding on to the idea that if you really can wear your Victoria Secret, strap on some heels & strut your stuff to the next available man in less than a month, you kind of, probably were not exactly in love with your man.

For the men, let’s not even go there since we know you guys are from mars anyway. You probably can’t even tell which memory goes to what girl, since you turned your whole love life memory into Oshodi market of the 90s.

I’m sure my ideology of the healing process makes sense to me alone, but just in case I’m not the only one out there I’ll like to know: after a dissolved relationship how soon do you think one should move on to the next relationship? Does it even matter?

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Mjth

Seun Akinlosotu is a Tech Analyst by day and an aspiring Writer by midnight. She's a self proclaimed Romanticist who likes to write light heartedly. Her write ups are geared at a cross mix of audience, none of which will need an Oxford Dictionary to understand her. There's more to read from her at www.lovedeyshackme.blogspot.com. & on IG @Chechecosmos

40 Comments

  1. mo

    January 28, 2015 at 2:00 pm

    I’ve found that in this generation, people find it much easier to up, leave and move on to ‘the next thing’ compared to our folks’ generation. i think priorities have changed and lets face it, most people (guys and ladies) have become rather jaded and pessimists so when you are going into a relationship, marriage, new job now you go in preparing for the worst and that makes it easier to leave if it doesn’t work out.

    • Tosin

      January 28, 2015 at 6:48 pm

      jaded. definitely. but in a good way.

  2. Oby

    January 28, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    Oshodi market of the 90s…. looooool

  3. Eaglebabe

    January 28, 2015 at 2:08 pm

    First of all, i think dealing with breakup is an individual decision. Someone can heal fast and move on with a new partner whiles another person will even commit suicide…lol. There is nothing like too soon or too late…It all depends on the individual

  4. boon

    January 28, 2015 at 2:14 pm

    Its taken me 6months to get over a 2year relationship but I think most people are just cynical and tend to view partners as just a means to an end (marriage) or a need to be met (loneliness, sexual desire, money) PLUS if you’re an insecure lady in your mid to late 20’s where time is ticking and partnering up is like a a game of musical chairs– you don’t want to be the mugu left standing alone when the music stops!..wipe those tears and latch on to another, SOCIAL PRESSURE demands it!

  5. Grown Woman

    January 28, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    I don’t think some people give themselves time to heal these days especially with these social media pressures people jump from one rship to the next thats why we have too many situationships.Sometimes i wonder if people have bfs and gfs on standby so once the rship ends they immediately jump unto to the next.
    i suggest after a bad break up, one should focus on themselves and give your self some time out for some peace of mind and heart anywas what works for Jane will not work for Fiona people are different.It is well IJN

  6. A

    January 28, 2015 at 2:29 pm

    hehehheheheh, people move on to the next best thing like immediately, break up today, start up a new version the very next day, no one deserve to kee themselves on top man or woman matter…not easy i must say….i still tell people joking tho, that i would have made a better result if i stayed away from boys in Uni, omo ehn, break up and craig David became my best friend, i wouldnt eat, won’t read, wore dark shades lols, wont eat, on top yeye love…now its move on to the next thing, life is too short to be starring at walls blankly and all…

    • BabyDee

      January 28, 2015 at 5:15 pm

      loll @ Craig David! That guy was my jammm

      -BabyDee

    • i was a stupid 20 yearold

      January 29, 2015 at 11:17 am

      My sister if only i had listened to my father and stayed away from boys in school! i would have so graduated with a first class! those times i spent pursing, crying, travelling. I would have invested in studying….. my first heartbreak song “if you are not one”. My second heartbreak that one i cant explain sef……. my heart literally broke into pieces, sotay i was crying and explaining to a stranger. which kind of mumu love did i even love sef! he would be d first thing on my mind when i woke up, pick a dress because of him, go to bed with him on my mind what a six months! for a six months relationship it took almost 3 years to get over the relationship and move on.

    • i was a stupid 20 yearold

      January 29, 2015 at 11:19 am

      did i forget to add that the dude moved on before the relationship ended

  7. arrgh

    January 28, 2015 at 2:43 pm

    Moving on with this dude was quite fast bcos I saw the signs early although I ignored it. When I offended him and apologized instead of forgiving he rather severed communication. I had a dad to mourn coupled with my masters exams to pass in the same week we brokeup. C’mon move on and look on the brighter side maybe he or she never wanted you so. When the shit happens crying is allowed but moving on is important. Just don’t get stuck for long because u never can tell if the right one for u is just waiting impatiently for you to get over the heartbreak.

  8. bv

    January 28, 2015 at 2:47 pm

    Hahaha @ oshodi market of the 90s

  9. Call Me Gorgeous..

    January 28, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    For the men, let’s not even go there since we know you guys are from mars anyway. You probably can’t even tell which memory goes to what girl, since you turned your whole love life memory into Oshodi market of the 90s.

    Hahahahahahahaha……….

  10. sugar

    January 28, 2015 at 3:09 pm

    There are always pointers, things that should put every individual in check and if you’re mature enough you’ll know it and work with the next time and God help you it works. Most important thing is finding your very own. whether you heal after a breakup before the next or not, doesn’t mean the next one will work.

    Equip yourself with plenty of self confidence and wisdom, and you’re on your way to a good life, especially if u gave the relationship your all. That’s enough healing to get going…on to the next one.

  11. *Real* Nice Anon

    January 28, 2015 at 3:14 pm

    It is an individual thing and it also depends on the level of emotional attachment.

    Beht ehen! The way some people move on so fast? Like you thought things were so deep and all and then they marry just months after the break up.E dey pain! Some of these Nigerian men move on so fast sha. Makes you wonder if they loved you to begin with.

    • BabyDee

      January 28, 2015 at 5:15 pm

      Gbam!

  12. savedbygrace

    January 28, 2015 at 3:30 pm

    If your relationship meant anything to you then you need to take time to heal your heart. This attitude of modern day ‘moving-on-having-fun’ is what produces a hardened heart. Love is no longer pure, no one has the patience to ask themselves why the relationship ended in the first place, mistakes that could be avoided, or even leave room for reconciliation. Morals have dropped to an all time low so the cycle continues dumping-moving on-being dumped-having fun until one has filled an excel sheet of partners he or she has been with. All because forgiveness is an old fashioned thing.

  13. Motunrayo Oluwaseun Fasakin

    January 28, 2015 at 3:35 pm

    These days, people really don’t want to weigh themselves down with heartaches, pains that will later lead to a psychiatric problem. Fine it’s good and normal to brood over hearbreaks or a dissolved marriage when you are faced with one, but the best thing you can do to yourself is to heal up fast and move on because anyone might not even care if u are hurt or not. So keep moving.
    Good job ‘Luwaseun.

  14. jcsgrl

    January 28, 2015 at 3:48 pm

    People who move on quickly has already started drifting apart months b4 they had the guts to call it quits. Their hearts don left their bodies tey tey. The breakuo just made it official. The ones who take a while to heal are the ones whose heart were vested in the relationship until the breakup. My good friend divorced last year and her and ex already started dating. They had been separated emotionally from each other years b4 they pulled the plug. When a breakup hits you unprepared, depending on how much you invested in the relationship will determine how long you mourn its demise

    • jcsgrl

      January 28, 2015 at 3:51 pm

      Abeg pardon my ogbu…rushing off to work

    • Mbaks

      January 30, 2015 at 4:32 pm

      lol @ogbu, you are obviously a lejjalite or still FGC

    • ibinabo

      January 28, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      True, with my ex-bf things had packed up long before we had proper closure, in fact we were not even talking for a long time. However, when I was ready to date my newest bobo I had to officially end it just so we were both on the same page and I officially agreed to date the present bobo the same day we had closure. So although it may seem like I moved on within a day (as a bad geh!!), it actually took me weeks (almost 2 months) to move on. People are different, move on whenever you feel like but make sure the chapter is properly shut before you open a new one

  15. Tachy

    January 28, 2015 at 5:01 pm

    For me, It all depends on the relationship. You know when a relationship is heading no way, no matter how hard you’re loving the person. Only a heartbreak will wake up the common sense in you. I’ve been in one that I loved the dude so much but once it was over, I new it was for good. I got over him in 28 days, not because I didn’t love him but it was pointless and waste of time.

  16. BabyDee

    January 28, 2015 at 5:19 pm

    I totally agree with healing before moving on to the next so you don’t take the garbage from the previous to the next relationship. You need time to take account of what happened, what worked, what didn’t, your lapses as a person, what did you like or not like about your ex so you don’t go blindly dating someone similar again.

    -BabyDee

  17. BabyDee

    January 28, 2015 at 5:21 pm

    ****by the way, this writer chick is pretty!

  18. heyhey

    January 28, 2015 at 5:38 pm

    i have never been the crying type. although i did go through a breakup where i wished i could cry…… im the type of person who always sees the signs before it happens so i prepare my mind for the breakup. however i dont move on to kissing the next boy i see. it takes alot for a boyfriend to get his tongue in my mouth so i dont even do randoms. but a month after a breakup u can bet i’ll be talking to other guys. i might still think about my ex and imagine what could have been depending on the bond we shared during our relationship but i dont believe in dwelling on the past for too long. so i always snap back into reality. thats my rule.

  19. meee

    January 28, 2015 at 5:40 pm

    When someone clearly doesn’t want to be with you… Why sulk and wear mourning clothes? Life is too short to love , when do you find time to brood over what cant be. Separated from my husband in September. Am dating already.. The other person doesn’t care about you.. Sometimes what we call love na wash…. Lot of pretence everywhere..

  20. Yinx

    January 28, 2015 at 5:46 pm

    Charlotte in Sex and the City once said It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them. so… go figure.

  21. NaijaPikin

    January 28, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    in this case, there’s no “1 solution fits all”

    Healing time varies
    Healing style varies

    Everyone should just be true to themselves. You know when you are truly ready for the next relationship

  22. Concerned_Boyfriend

    January 28, 2015 at 9:35 pm

    The book of Ecclesiastes said there’s time for every thing under the sun. Time to break, time to build. Every one of us is subject to that principle. Healing time do vary but it would be hypocritical if you moved on from a 2 years relationship within a month under the guise of “healing quickly”. You’re doing yourself a great disservice by not letting nature take it’s full course in your healing process. Chances are you’re the breaker!.

  23. bisisexy

    January 28, 2015 at 9:42 pm

    .i was heart broken last yr, am emotional&kind,I pray for might&boldness,I was speechles after d break up&I didnt eat for days, I remember my elder sister, telling me she saw a very pretty lady at yaba mental home, she ended there because she was jilted, was always sad, Iit sounds harsh but u have to move on asap,This yr a friends sisters died of depression ,thinking of getting married,its good to forgive, learn from the past, my new year resolutions b wise, dont love deeply, dont b bored, don’t rely on pple for ur happiness, life isnt all abt relationships, u dont know what’s in a man’s heart

  24. Jizzel

    January 29, 2015 at 2:19 am

    I think for me, I moved on from my last long term relationship (5yrs) quickly because I was done and my heart wasn’t even in it for some time before I called it off. It was like the scales fell off my eyes and I could just see all the reasons why he wasn’t the one for me, I guess that’s what made it easy for me to move on.

    Like everyone said, circumstances surrounding the particular situation determines how quick you’re able to move on. I think it also helps when you have someone to distract you (the rebound guy).

    But girl, I really wish I can breakdown over a guy and loose weight… It just doesn’t work that way for me unfortunately, lol.

    • Yeletude

      January 29, 2015 at 3:33 pm

      Amen to the rebound guy. I just read an article somewhere that Eve – the rapper said everyone needs a fall back guy!

  25. Momo

    January 29, 2015 at 4:08 am

    I think everyone’s personality might play into how they react in any untoward situation – the aforementioned inclusive. The reason for the breakup could also factor in. On paper it would seem like the “proper” thing to do to take the time for a clean break …but there are so many things on paper, including the “ideal” spouse…Do YOU.

  26. Amara

    January 29, 2015 at 11:07 am

    I’ve not been able to move on even after a year. sometimes i feel ok and i think i’ve forgotten about him, but then i remember again and it hurts like it just happened. im sure my ex is with someone else now, yet i worry about him, still pray for him, for his job and dreams in life. I know i shouldn’t but i can’t seem to help myself. How can i still love this much someone who hurt me.

    • ...

      January 29, 2015 at 1:34 pm

      i know the feeling

  27. ole

    January 29, 2015 at 11:55 am

    my ex was my first. we dated a little over two years and for the next two years it still f-g hurt. (pardon my french). I only realised i was over him when i started to be interested in this other guy. This time i went in head first, heart behind and it turned out to be a good descision cos the guy wanted to chop before committing. I refused and he dissapeared. Today im over my ex and im so glad that it finally happened.
    Sometimes to move on you might have to channel your heart to someplace else first and it might not even be a human, maybe a new found hobby or something like that.

  28. pwettyme

    January 29, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    I use to be a size 6 now I’m not sure anymore, I know I love movies but it s seems i’m addicted now cos I go to d cinema everyday after work just to distract myself a bit and get my mind off him but as soon as I’m out of the cinema hall, the memories we shared and the harsh words he said to me in d break up process comes running back and I end up thinking my self to bed. All efforts to move on is proving abortive.
    Anyway, American Sniper on my mind! Who wants to join me? lol

  29. Debbie

    January 29, 2015 at 3:42 pm

    I concur with BabyDee wholeheartedly and would echo those exact sentiments.

  30. la funky

    January 29, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    I tink moving on is an individual thing, I got separated from my hubby last year sept but before den tins as been really rough btw us, so moving on ws a vry easy tin for me though am nt in a relationship yet but if I see any bobo dat is worth it off I go. No time for iranu. Why shuld I be crying over someone dat doesn’t even know I exist?

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