Connect with us

Advertisement

Features

Chiugo Akaolisa: Let Go of the Past Love & Create New Experiences

Published

 on

We all definitely remember our greatest love story. No matter the length or intensity of it, it is almost impossible to forget. The way he/she lit up your whole day and had the power to control your mood and heart. I am not talking about our first love which can be pretty intense, I am talking about the love that still gives us goose bumps when we think about it.

While it is a blessing to still have such epic love, this article mainly focuses on those who lost that privilege.

Think with me for a second: You meet a prospective love interest under unexpected but perfect circumstances and connections are made. Every expectation and checklist of a perfect partner is met with ease and for the first time, you are sure that this is it for you. Then the stars turn and for some reason you still cannot explain, it all comes to an end. That person who has the ability to stop your heart walks out with it and leaves you with regret-filled memories and experiences which will come to be a standard for EVERY new relationship.

That is the very moment you become fixated on that past love.

Whether it is intentional or not, every subsequent relationship after a memorable one comes under comparison. If he doesn’t open the door like your ex or she doesn’t laugh at your jokes the way the other she used to, you begin to doubt the long-term potential of that relationship. If your new love also repeats the little mistakes of that great love, there will also be doubts too.

It doesn’t help when subsequent partners are worse off.

It is in the human nature to try and recreate the exact moments of happiness and pleasure. It is evolutionary beneficial in reducing stress, that is why we have favorite foods, movies and so on. If it makes us happy, we tend to do it over and over again.

In terms of relationships, it is not necessarily helpful. We try to recreate those feelings or moments that took our breath away. If old Bae used to rub your stomach and sing to you whenever you are upset, then new Bae automatically has to live up to that exact task. You aid this process along by constantly talking about your ex and all the positive and negative traits he/she had, in the hope that new bae will learn and adapt. In this case, you are bringing that memorable person into your relationship, making it a trio.

I mean, it is good to know the kinds of things that help you love deeper and quicker but you are ultimately closing yourself off to new experiences. Each person is unique and comes with that special something that can either provide fulfillment or lessons.

Besides, if that great love was so perfect, how come it didn’t last? There is a reason why it ended and you both are not together anymore, no matter how much you wish differently. If  you and the memorable ex were fated from the start, it is only fair to give others a fighting chance while destiny revisits your case.

I never said this was easy, but it is definitely worth a try.

Unless you live in the present and embrace the uniqueness of your current partner, your relationship will never reach its full potential. Just like relationships, no two experiences are the same. One will either supersede or underwhelm your set expectations. It is only fair to give your new love a chance to create new and even more memorable experiences with you.

Someone rightfully quoted: “If you carry old bricks from your past relationship to your new one, you will build the same house that fell apart before”

Goodluck!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Jeffrey Banke

Chiugo Veronica Akaolisa is a graduate from the University of Alberta, Canada. She is a God-lover and a recluse. Her every spare time is spent writing and developing her business. She is an entrepreneur and a budding novelist. Her true passion is Poetry and Relationship Tips. She has a minor in Psychology. Twitter: Verachi | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cakaolisa | Instagram: missverachi |

21 Comments

  1. Sisi

    February 23, 2015 at 9:11 pm

    True though!

  2. Ifunanya Chukwu

    February 23, 2015 at 9:17 pm

    It seems finding love abi letting love find you is now rocket science. 4 years plus…and I’m yet to feel that kind of love again. Only God knows when next i’ll love somebody like that again. and if i”ll find someone that loves me as much

  3. Omolola

    February 23, 2015 at 9:55 pm

    Word!

  4. isios assistant

    February 23, 2015 at 10:01 pm

    Love sucks!

  5. loveaddict

    February 23, 2015 at 10:24 pm

    I just wish I could have my ex back. Nobody has come close to how he made me feel and he is still single. How does someone move on? My new boyfriend just irritates me.

    • jess

      February 24, 2015 at 10:58 am

    • pearl

      March 8, 2015 at 6:11 pm

      @Love addict u need to be realistic and move on. If only u can open ur heart ur new boyfriend will do more Dan u imagine. Let go nd open ur heart

  6. Scatterific

    February 23, 2015 at 11:25 pm

    that verse in the Book of Jeremiah.

  7. vikky

    February 24, 2015 at 3:26 am

    Why do i feel like you are trying to warn me about the future.

    I just ended a relationship with a great guy last week, which to me was seemingly going nowhere and i am back with my ex.

    My ex and i were soul mates., (so I thought at the time), never before did anyone understand me so perfectly like he did; he sort of knew what to say and what to do at exactly the times that I wanted him to, he knew how to deal with my mood swings and tolerate them, he was my person as i was his. We did everything together, studying, eating, praying , dancing etc literally everything.He cared about the things and people who mattered to me. I had never been so free to be myself with anyone except him. He got me, what i was about, my essence and who i was and I got him too. Even when we had nothing to talk about, we enjoyed the silence and even in the silence, it felt like we were still communicating. It was with him that i came to fully understand what it meant to love someone and be loved in return. It was easy to love him and be with him and be loved in return. It was an amazing one year and a half. I was high on love that whole time until tragedy (somewhat) struck, his mum got diagnosed with brain tumor and it devastated him.

    He is very very close with her, so it affected him so much he stopped communicating and pushed me away, I wanted to be there for him, i tried to be there n i was there when he let me, but i guess that was his way of dealing with it. In the midst of that pain, i happened to be away inevitably and the first person who presented a shoulder to cry on, he took it and went the whole 100 yards on that shoulder. He was honest to admit as soon as it happened and was mad at himself but I was hurt, it hurt especially because that wasn’t the first time i was cheated on by a partner. It just made me feel inadequate n wondering if something in me pushed them to other women.

    Anyways, we tried to work on it, I stayed till after his mom’s surgery and tried to be there during the healing. I guess he didn’t know how to handle his emotions, everything he was feeling because he became so different, cold, easily annoyed n rude. He kept apologizing but it became too much, so we broke up.

    I tried dating other people, i honestly tried but i found myself comparing them every time to my ex, always saying “oh he wouldn’t do this, or say that or act like this”. It was endless. so I stopped dating after a while and it didn’t even faze me until a close friend asked that we try it and see. He was a great guy, had known him from high school, talked about stuff and we were cool, but I just didn’t feel the spark. It didn’t help that he very unromantic, so, slowly i found myself comparing him to my ex…again. I wasn’t trying to change him to be like my ex but he wasn’t quite what I wanted either. He bottled his emotions a lot n was a bit on the proud side, which annoyed me often. We tried to talk about it, but it always went right back to the beginning. Along the lines, my ex came back in the picture and wanted me back.

    So here I was talking to two men, the more I spoke to my ex, the more he pulled me back in and the more i spoke with the other guy, the more he pushed me away. Gradually, i began missing that “Great” love with my ex. I did the pros and cons “thing” for both n really, my ex’ s pros outweighed the other.. One day, the feelings came flooding back and I didn’t hesitate, I went back to him and broke up with the other dude after 8 months of trying.

    I am happy. I am glad we are back together because some or most of my great moments of happiness and joy have been with him and I missed it, and I wanted it back and I went for it and so far it’s great and amazing but there are times, i wonder if i did the right thing. What if there is even greater love out there for me than him and i might be blocking it by going back? What if history repeats itself and just what if? what if?

    For now, I will bask in this glory of being loved, of having this amazing man back in my life who knows just what to say and what to do (like today, I got news my aunt passed this morning. He was there when i got the news and broke down. I moved from the couch to the carpet and tears were just flowing. He didn’t say a word, he just sat next to me and cuddled me, occasionally kissing my forehead until I somehow passed out crying on his chest. It felt good waking up next to him. It was just perfect) . I had prayed to feel this kind of love again and for now, i am and whether it is fortunately or unfortunately (i like to think it’s fortunate though) I am happy and hope and pray for the best.

    Pardon my epistle y’all. PS. love is beautiful and it is real and i hope for every one to experience it just once in their lifetimes, you don’t have to marry them if it doesn’t work out for whatever reason but just experience it.

    • Enn!

      February 24, 2015 at 11:37 am

      She just voiced what u’ve been thinking about sub-consciously, I think u should address these doubts head on so that u can save ur self any heart ache that’s actually avoidable & most importantly PRAY cuz God already has ur answers before u even met Him..wish u d very best

    • vivian

      February 24, 2015 at 12:21 pm

      oh my dearest vicky..
      i feel like you should be my new bff…*hugs*
      i once experienced this kind of love….lost it…and yet to experience it again..
      to cut the long story short..i just called it quits with a guy that i dated for 3 yrs, i guess i just had to spare the both of us the stress and energy, you know…*exhales deeply*
      All i am trying to say is that, NOW,..i am patiently waiting for that person whom i am going to feel all “these” for and vice versa ,..and just like you said, it doesn’t matter if we marry them or not (though we sincerely hope to)..but we just have to experience “that love”.
      i look forward to it.

  8. me

    February 24, 2015 at 8:43 am

    am in the office and I completely lost it,i cried like a baby,my bf claims 2 luv me but constantly makes me sad,it dsnt help matters dat am so emotional but if I make up my mind 2 open a new chapter, dats d end, ill just cut off at once. LUV SUCKS.

    • oj

      February 24, 2015 at 9:09 am

      sweetheart, please end the relationship. u think he’ll make u laugh when u become his wife? u deserve a man who would put a smile in ur face when u enter the office every morning

    • WizzyE

      February 25, 2015 at 12:03 pm

      BabyGirl! Don’t give up on Love. It’s a beautiful feeling. Trust the originator of true love (BabaGod) and he’ll send the correct guy your way. In the mean time, just DO YOU. Focus on your dreams and CHOOSE JOY no matter what. #WaitingPatientlyForMyGuyTooButWorkingOnMyDreams #BigHugsFromTz

  9. Rukamina

    February 24, 2015 at 10:15 am

    Know what it feels when your whole world revolves around just one person. You already know who it is when your phone rings in the early mornings. Nothing like genuine love. I still miss him everyday.

  10. jefka

    February 24, 2015 at 10:36 am

    @vicky i will advise u to end that relationship, i have had a similar experience and it took me six long painful years to read the hand writting on the wall.
    then again i may be wrong.
    i ended my imaginary relationship as i like to address it early this month. i realised i was in a chain and i needed to break it.
    dating but when i do, i will be wiser!
    learn to love and respect urself thats the only way u can demand the best from any relationship.

  11. MissThinker

    February 24, 2015 at 12:06 pm

    At times love is far from what we feel or think it is…. yes, the whole feeling of having someone who knows your every thought, says the right thing, very romantic ,cries when you cry, laughs when you laugh, touches you the right way is all great. .#rollseyes.. but is far from it… yea I said that. Don’t get me wrong, I have had my own share of what we all refer to as love but at the end of the day I found out that what we think is love is just FEELINGS when I broke up with my EX (mind you he did all the mushy things right, infact he was too romantic and spoilt me silly) ……..Wait make I ask one question (pardon my pidgin), if you love some can you ever hurt the person or even break up? well I’m sure our inner mind just answered the question. . LOVE is respect, is real, peaceful, it does not hurt, is a God given privileged.. while all does butterfly in the stomach things are all feelings because it fades away.
    when you meet someone new, leave the old and cling unto this new person, because in the long run all those feelings you felt with your ex will fade only if you give your yourself a chance..

    P.S … the new might not be as good as the EX, but everybody comes with a different package. you never know…..#winks

  12. Ayaayo

    February 24, 2015 at 12:35 pm

    for me ending a relationship means something went wrong and it was best you both go your separate ways, case closed shikena. I think it is better to start something new, fresh and exciting, making right some of your past wrongs. Somehow you know better now and have become refined that is if you decide to be positive, letting go of past hurt and bitterness, to see the great, bright present that can take you to your beautifully colored future. Kai the feeling of having something new intrigues me all the time.

    in my Frozen act singing ” I’m never going back, the past is in the past…. let it go, let it go…………….

    “Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved”

  13. next

    February 24, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    @ me….love does not suck dear. pple do terrible tins in d name of love. Bt love remains d most beautiful tin. *hugs* I have dated a guy who left me a shadow of myself. Says the meanest of tins. Crying was a hobby 4 m. I was always d one apologizing even wen I was wronged. He could keep a long face for days even wen I chanted a thousand ‘i’m sorrys’. Jeez! I shudder wen I tink abt the tins I took in dat relationship. I broke up months b4 d date for d weddin. Oh yes I did. Sister took a huge breath and rily thought hard. And I figured, it doesn’t matter how he sings ‘I love u’. If he makes u cry nw, he will ALWAYS make u cry.
    So swity, QUIT. U deserve better! Love God. Love urself. The man who values ur happiness will come along. Cos, I am married to that man now. My thanksgiving song.
    ‘Ex-es’ should be forgotten. There is a reason they r called ‘ex’. Unless God wills odawise.

  14. daniel

    February 27, 2015 at 7:37 pm

    Hi, nice write up. I just got hooked up with this chick some months ago. We’ve been friends since our teenage years,admired each other but couldnt get to together cos she relocated. Well i managed to visit her at her place two years later, but it was too late cos she already got a boyfiend. Well around last year, December precisely,we got chatting up again on BBM, later invited her for youth hang out which she came and immediately began to grow love for each other again.This year we got so serious and its going so smoothly. Well she’s been my dream girl and now that i have her i dont wanna lose her. Can someone help out with some tips of not blowing up my chance with her,probably loving her too much that may cost me losing her. Thanks.

  15. bee

    March 3, 2015 at 2:21 pm

    Just be cool. love feels that waYsometimes.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Tangerine Africa
css.php