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Ugochi Ukah: Factors That May Influence the Decision to Divorce – After Cheating

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It is a common knowledge that the rates of marriages and divorces in the country are rising. While marriage is a beautiful thing, divorce is not; that I why I do not wish for it for anybody. I am not an advocate of divorce; however, there are certain circumstances such as abuse (yes, I call cheating an emotional abuse), that may force one to think about it.

So when my friend asked me recently whether I would consider a divorce if my partner cheated on me, my response was ‘Yes’.

Considering a divorce does not necessarily mean getting one; it depends on the situation which I decided to break down. Now being some sort of a geek that I am, I used the 5 ‘W’ and the ‘how’ questions to analyse the conditions.

Of course this is merely a hypothetical situation and if one were to be in a real one, other thoughts might come into play including the time left to make a decision.
Some of you may or may not agree with my reasoning but here they are anyway:
WHO? – The question here is who did he/she cheat on me with? To some this might not be very important but it matters a lot to me as it can help me determine the next steps. Personally, it’s harder to work things out if the ‘culprit’ was a relative, friend, sex worker or someone of my opposite gender (what’s the point if I can’t give you what you need?). It might be easier to get over a secretary affair; all we need to do is to avoid ever having that gender of secretary again; or over a church member, we are changing church the next Sunday but the aforementioned earlier are harder to get rid of, especially from my memory.

WHAT? – So what were you thinking of when you did it? What did you do that made me find out? What was your reaction when I found out? What do you want to do now? What did you (or did you not) give to me? What did you (or did you not) give to her? Obviously, here I’m looking for some form of remorse or repentance and checking to see how well and for how long you can keep a secret from me. I’m also looking out for no sign of sexually transmitted infections or babies coming in from outside; I’d also like to know that our money was not wasted on the affair. If the partner is able to confirm all of these favourably, then it might just be easier for me.

WHERE? – Where did you meet your ‘partner in crime’? Where did you do your evil act? Where were you caught? These questions are concerned about the places where the cheating event took place. I am quite a conservative person and so it is completely defying to cheat on my matrimonial bed. I would not say that it is unforgivable but it will be very difficult for me to forgive. Also where you both met might determine how to avoid future mistakes if I eventually decided to remain in the marriage; for instance if you met in PH, we might move to a secret part of Abuja (hopefully we don’t get stalked).

WHEN? – When did this event occur or start? This might sound weird but I would like to know the time – how long before or during our marriage? If this had been happening from the beginning of the relationship, it is more likely that this behaviour will not change, as it is now a habit. What time of the day was it; if at night – were you sneaking out on me and if during the day – were you leaving your work place? This gives me a view of your respect for me as a partner and your value for work ethics and will also determine how well I will rate you as a potential good father. What time of the year was it (it might be a seasonal affair) – was the Harmattan or winter too cold for you and you needed extra warmth? You never know, your house might just be lacking an extra blanket. Or was it when I was pregnant or the times I travelled? I’d like to know if it was my being unappealing to you or just as a result of loneliness. When was the first time and the last time you saw him or her? Because if it were last night, there might not be any need having this conversation in the first place.

WHY? – Why did you do it? I don’t think there is a good reason for cheating whatsoever but we are all humans and capable of mistakes so I guess my real question here is: Why did you not say NO?

HOW? – This question has to do with the evaluation of everything. How many times did you do it? Again, this monitors the frequency of events; a one night stand might be less unacceptable. How many children do I have for you, if any? We all know that it is much more difficult to leave when you have children and not just because of financial reasons but for their emotional development too. How did you treat me during the period? I need to know that you were not maltreating or mean to me during the affair. How will you make atonement? Some form of compensation is always good and I don’t necessarily mean money; for example, one could atone by making all the meals for the next 5 years (might sound appealing if you love food like me). How can I trust you in the future? How much more love do I have for you? How do we move forward? We might need to a new contract, promises or vows in place and try rebuilding trust, repressing memories, switching responsibilities etc.

I have not attached any weighting to each question or the answers (and I hope that I never need to) but obviously if most of the answers do not seem favourable, the marriage might not go very well. At the end of the day, regardless of answers, everything depends on whether I really want to remain in the marriage and if the feeling is mutual. Before I conclude, I must warn you that I am no marriage counsellor or shrink and these are solely personal thoughts that I have shared. You may use them if you wish to but completely at your own risk.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Andrey Popov

Ugochi V Ukah is a student and loves writing in her spare time; using sarcasm, humour and wit to relay her thoughts. Visit her blog for more stories at: www.ugochivukah.blogspot.com and follow her on twitter @vivio_gogo and IG: @ugochiukah

35 Comments

  1. Hannatu

    May 9, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Relationships and marriage are a lot more nuanced than what you have expressed here. I think you might have different views after you have been married for some time. There are strong marriages where infidelity occurs and there are also good people who step outside their marriage to meet some need: sexual, emotional, intellectual. There are a lot of nuances to consider in a marriage. Divorce is not always in your best interests or that of your children.

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 9, 2015 at 8:32 pm

      Hmmmmm…when your man constantly steps outside to meet some need you cannot fulfil and you know, you will begin to feel inadequate and develop a complex the longer you put up with this which is not healthy for you as his partner…Strong does not mean happy…My 2cents

    • mama

      May 10, 2015 at 7:10 pm

      I agree with her opinion as she said, considering divorce isn’t the same as getting one. I’ve been married for a while and I’ve seen things. I totally agree with her views though

  2. tilliee

    May 9, 2015 at 8:38 pm

    My dear, marriage is not a bed of roses and definitely not for the faint hearted or the person who is an easy quitter. The fact of the matter is that after spending a part of your life with someone, it is not an easy decision to just leave them because of an act of indiscretion. What brought about this action? Are they ready to change? Have you given them many chances and options to change and they are still cheating? Then you can divorce him or her. However, if your spouse cheated on you and you hurriedly decide to let go of them without giving the marriage a chance for reconciliation or amendment, that is not helpful

    The reason why we have a very marked rise in unhappy homes and divorce in Nigeria nowadays is simply based on the reason that we Naijas have blindly adopted western/ oyibo lifestyles. Our once communalistic and caring societies are no longer, people are not selfish and so self conceited. No thought for the other person, it is all about me, me, me, and me, Like we used to say it me, myself and I. How can marriages work with this mindset, and the frustrating thing is that these divorcees end up marrying carrying the same selfish mindsets into their new marriages and end up divorcing and the cycle goes on and on!

    I think people should be informed of the reality of married life, it is not all these flashy weddings we see on glossy pictures my dear, it is more than that. Our elders need to inculcate the message of tolerance, respect of others and self into the youths of today. Leave a marriage only if you have tried your best to save it and the other person is not co-operating with you. At least you know you tried your best and God and your conscience will give you the go ahead. Don’t bail out of a marriage at the sight of one failing of your spouse, if he or she is repentant and is ready to change, please help them.

    • Dolly-P

      May 10, 2015 at 5:48 pm

      Marraiage is certainly a bed of roses cause it is beautiful but has thorns on it,

  3. Jaylomo

    May 9, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    When it comes to reaching a decision to divorce, there are grey areas. I can’t really be specific about what I would do unless I am at that particular junction. One thing I know would be a sure catalyst for me is abuse in any form ( be it physical,emotional or what have you ). If my husband is cheating and flaunts it or calls my bluff then I will leave, if I stumble on it and he is highly remorseful and fights to keep the marriage, I might not even though it would be hard.

  4. Shopperoflife

    May 9, 2015 at 9:54 pm

    It is not an easy sontin! Divorce has far reaching consequences. It is in my opinnion, like bereavement. It is easy to say this is what l will do if my partner does xyz. But, reality is different. You cannot and l repeat cannot say what you’ll do until it happens. Separation, yes but divorce? Different kettle of fish.

  5. huh!

    May 9, 2015 at 9:58 pm

    I’m sorry but this article makes absolutely no sense to me! I couldn’t even finish reading it. so if he cheats with a female secretary, all you have to do is avoid female secretaries from then forward? and if he cheats with a church member, then you are changing churches…problem solved? why not just move to an island where there are no females at all and then you can really guarantee yourself a marriage built on trust. the author wrote: ‘…one can atone by making all the meals for the next five years…’. REALLY! lol. so you’ll be monitoring who cooked what meals and checking him off and once he reaches that 5yr mark, all is automatically well? everything is easier said than done. I think articles like these are better written from the perspective of someone who has experienced it and navigated the complex emotions it raises. this article is just too shallow and irrelevant for me. No disrespect to the author.

  6. always happy

    May 9, 2015 at 11:29 pm

    Ugochi is a student….. so keep in mind, she , and you the readers should consider all of your analyzing , 5 w and 1 h or whatever question period you wish to conduct on extra marital affairs as a course of study in the school of life which you can and will never rationalize enough to arrive at a decision on your next steps. Your next steps can either be directed by you or God if you are willing to be obedient. Choose one. All these questionnaire type question na wash, it shall release demons into your mind as the victim and it shall surely be blackmail material because we all know humans forgive but they hardly forget. So if bae ( you cheat or she finds out) confess to God , ask for forgiveness, change your ways , do not repeat or share details with any living human and auto correct the triggers of temptation if living happily ever after is one of your life goals.

    Not leaving the offended party out of the gist, use the time to reflect and address areas of yourself which you feel need healing , rejuvenation or soul searching.

  7. chi-e-z

    May 10, 2015 at 2:56 am

    interesting write-up…

  8. lola Carey

    May 10, 2015 at 8:03 am

    The writer obviously isn’t married. Secretary and church things?don’t even go there.I agree with huh.! Someone who is married and has experienced this cheating by the other partner “phenomenon” is in a better position to write these kinds of articles. My husband cheated on me and the first thing I wanted to do was quit the marriage..but as time went along..it really became hard for me to go. Why? First hubby was so remorseful. That was because he was caught I reasoned. But wen he started crying and being a nervous wreck wen I packed a few of my things to my sister’s house..I began to reason that maybe he was really remorseful and started having a change of heart. Secondly,this bobo was d perfect husband before this incident.took me out on dates after dropping our kids with grandma,washing my clothes at times and our children’s ( the ones that were not being taken to the dry cleaner),giving me monthly allowances even though am working.. Buying a car for my birthday..hardly angry when I am in d mood for trouble etc.the list is endless. Thirdly..my three children!they loved their father and how would I cope with only them. I knew how i suffered when my mum and dad separated and how my step mother almost killed us.that is another story on its own anyway and then it was looking as if I was pregnant again( which I later found out I was). Fourth and I think lastly…I still loved the young man like die.hmnn. So in general everything was complicated and all that so I had to stay put after much yunga. we still working on it and part of the steps is me being able to check out his activities from time to time without questions asked.we will get there someday;the place where I can fully trust him again.I hope. So mrs article,its not as easy as what you penned even though u think that is what you will do.Go and marry first.

    • mama

      May 10, 2015 at 7:12 pm

      She said consider divorce o. See the issue with married people, telling the singles to go marry before they talk. Its her opinion. No need to be harsh when criticising.

  9. lola Carey

    May 10, 2015 at 8:10 am

    I still love you though ugochi! 🙂

  10. brown-ice

    May 10, 2015 at 11:15 am

    I think the two most unforgivable things to do to your partner are to abuse them(either physically, verbally, emotionally etc) and cheat on them. I might forgive a cheating partner but not an abusive partner. But well, that’s a topic for another day.

  11. Jo!

    May 10, 2015 at 11:32 am

    I truly hope nobody is taking this babe seriously sha

  12. Tosin

    May 10, 2015 at 1:10 pm

    everybody calm down. marriage is partly rubbish but don’t get a divorce. i mean, if you’re happy, if you still can make some positives out of it, hang in there. it’s just as bad as being unmarried as long as you don’t know how to be happy.
    if somebody is sleeping around, em, whatevs. lots of people sleeping around. what do you care? or maybe i don’t know what i’m talking about sha. and now i pitch the book: lifelib.blogspot.com/2015/01/three-sisters.html

  13. cindy

    May 10, 2015 at 3:19 pm

    You bella naijas are so judgemental. Even after the writer put disclaimer that she is not a professional and that this is just theoretical, you people are still spouting nonsense. What the hell is wrong with you married people? Y’all are always acting like singles are stupid once they open their mouths about marriage. So someone cannot even have an idea about it abi? Like we don’t see our parent’s marriages. It is people like you all that are rushed into it that booboo is cheating on now. Se ri ra yin?

  14. mama

    May 10, 2015 at 7:15 pm

    I woke up this morning having these same thoughts. I have been a “victim” of infidelity on several occasions. each time I have considered divorce but as you mention a lot of factors go into the decision.
    It’s not an easy pill to swallow and its rather very common.

  15. demashi

    May 10, 2015 at 7:45 pm

    lola carey, you are wise woman and would definitely enjoy the blessings of a wonderful marriage in the years to come. When ugochi gets married she’ll definitely get to understand that these things are not all black and white. My mum see to tell me before I got married that i should be reasonable sure that i have just about all i desire in a woman before getting married cos there will be distractions, and there were/have been distractions.

    Being a celibate and highly moral guy before marriage, I thought i’d never end up in that situation. But the dynamics changed a couple of years into the marriage and I found myself in a compromising situation. My wife was wife enough not to throw away what has been a wonderful and blessed relationship away o/a a single act of indiscretion.

  16. Adaego

    May 10, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Pls divorcing is never an easy task,especially when the marriage has produce children,although am not married but I feel for children frm divorce parents,unless the marriage did not produce any child then the couple can divorce and make a good choice,but if ur partner is beating u (Female)I will advice u to separate from him before he kills u,but if he or she is cheating on u pls do not divorce him/her for the sake of ur children.

    • Lina

      May 11, 2015 at 2:59 am

      Children are a lot more perceptive than we give them credit for. So is this the example of a healthy relationship that you want to give your children? To your sons that it’s ok to cheat because their wife won’t go anywhere and to your daughters that this kind of behaviour is acceptable or that they are incomplete without a man? My parents never fought (as in I’ve never heard them argue or raise voices till this day) and to anyone it would look like a peaceful marriage, my father wasn’t disrespectful even cooked and did other chores regularly around the house but nobody had to tell I or my siblings that he was unfaithful; we all knew and we knew it wasn’t good. I grew up with people whose fathers were A1 philanderers but mummy stayed ‘for the kids’ some even went as far as bring in their extra-marital babies for their wives to raise and they still stayed, some are still married to this day. Every single one of those frinds has nver been in a successful relationship because they don’t know what healthy looks like. Stop lying as saying ‘for the kids’, admit that you like the ‘Mrs.’ title too much and don’t think you’re strong enough to do it on you own otherwise why would you stay for such disrespect that not only affects you but your children as well. What if you get AIDS nko?

    • Obroni

      May 11, 2015 at 8:41 am

      THANK YOU! This “for the sake of the children” bullshit some women spout is just a silly excuse because they have no spine, most of them cannot support themselves without their philandering husbands, and my Naija women are more worried about what the neighbours/village people will say if they lose their Mrs title. If you show your children that everything is excusable, they will carry that on to their future relationships, and we will continue this foolish, fake, saving-face cycle that is 99% of Nigerian marriages. The day I find out that my husband cheats on me, I will take my children and leave. He knew from day 1 that I will not tolerate infidelity, so him sleeping with someone else means that he clearly does not value me or our relationship enough to keep his dick in his pants, and he can carry on with his activities without me to hinder him. Cheating is a conscious CHOICE. It isn’t something that is out of one’s control and just happens accidentally like tripping and falling. So this business of “moment of indiscretion” is just utter babash. It may not be easy alone with children, but I will survive because I have set my life up in such a way that I can comfortably provide for myself and my children in the absence of my husband. For some of us married people, it is VERY black and white.

    • Ada Nnewi

      May 11, 2015 at 12:36 pm

      THANK YOU!!!!!

    • Imwalkingaway

      May 11, 2015 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you so Lina for saying my exact thoughts. I am divorced with a child, and while I know its not been easy, I am still making it on my own. Saying because of the kids you have, and the gifts you get from your husband and the love he has for you (why didn’t you also cheat on him once and see how exactly the tables would turn. If a man loves you in the first place he would never ever consider an act of in discretion. Enough of all this already. When my ex cheated, he hid the damn test results from me, and on top of that he was maltreating me. All my happiness were gone. It doesn’t mean I wasn’t strong enough to weather the storm, it only meant that that wasn’t what a healthy relationship should look like. I know I deserved better, the reason I walked away. Saying that children suffer from such circumstances is balderdash. With God on our side, he will grow and even be better than some of you just wanting the titles and for what the society will say and not say to you. To each their own please.

    • natu

      May 11, 2015 at 12:55 pm

      @lina, Thank you so much for this comment. Most African women are so weak and pathetic. Why would anyone stay in an unfaithful marriage. Using the kids is just an excuse for staying in the marriage. I am so glad that I was raised by strong women. If my husband cheats, I will walk out of the marriage. I have too much pride and I am not scared to walk away from stupid situations. Ladies please know your worth. Stay blessed.

  17. Babym

    May 11, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    Haaa you ppl o, its not that easy to walk away o, its not as black and white as some of you are making it.

    @Lina and co, let us just imagine that ur dad was as wonderful as you say he was, never disrespected your mum and treated her and u guys sooo well. now imagine your mum comes to tell you that ur wonderful dad cheated on her….would you have told her to divorce him since????

    In my case, my father was the best man you could think off, he loves and treated us sooo well, he had an indiscretion and confessed to mumsi about it, now are you saying for that one indiscretion mumsi should have packed up and left??? its not like he was doing what the rest of you are saying, he was never violent, and what not, infact after the infidelity he was sooo ashamed of himself for hurting the one he loved, he became an even better husband and father determined to do right by us and make up for that one mistake.

    Soooooo in such circumstances shld my mum have divorced him??? even now that their marriage is stronger than ever?? The truth is if she did I her child will never have understood it, Im sooo grateful my mum and dad stayed together o. If he was a serial cheater and was violent and unrepentant theennnnn you can talk to me about divorce.

    • Obroni

      May 11, 2015 at 8:22 pm

      I cannot tell someone else why or when to end their marriage. Some women stay in abusive marriages until the man kills them, and that is their choice. I’m only speaking for myself when I say I will pack up and leave. Women should sha be honest with themselves about why they stay with men that have no respect for them. Is it really because of the children? Is it really because you love him so much that you’re willing to overlook his ‘indiscretions’ and risk contracting STDs? Or is it that you have no means of livelihood and the day your marriage ends, na garri you go dey soak morning,noon and night? Or is it that your father has told you not to come back to his house and you will be shamed by your mother’s August meeting members? If your husband can make a conscious decision to step out on you once, what stops him from doing it many more times? I don’t tolerate foolishness. If we can’t both be adults and take our commitment to each other seriously, then we really have no business being married in the first place. So yes, one shot and we’re done.

  18. Peaches77

    May 11, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    Well if you love me enough to be forgiving when I cheat on you back, then just maybe I will forgive you and try to work it out. Or maybe redefine or renegotiate the terms of marriage. May it never come to that ni oruko Jesu… Amin!

  19. sandra

    May 11, 2015 at 11:16 pm

    Viv, I admire you for choosing to share your personal opinion about this topic. I read your article and smiled more than once. I did not use my own standards / values or opinion in order to understand your views and I did not seek to judge you either, I read it with the understanding that this was YOU at this point in time. This prevented me from taking the moral ( personal) high ground.The fact that you are unmarried/ not yet married and a student did not matter to me when I was reading. Because this article is what YOU feel and you have every right to feel the way you do, girl.
    My background is in therapeutic counselling and this made embracing your views easier. I found it interesting to note the number of comments that basically called you naive and inexperienced and argued that YOUR choice is “wrong” and theirs are right.
    Now I’m a devout Roman Catholic and I believe that marriage is a key pillar of the society. I also believe that God is all-powerful and if asked He can bring healing where there is soul searing pain. Yet alongside everything I know about my faith there are some truths that I can not ignore and those are: 1) Each person is responsibile for their decisions and choices- even choosing not to choose / decide IS a choice in itself.
    2) Some believe in God and seek to live according to His words, others prefer the advice of other people, others still believe that they are self-made islands- I am a great believer in free will and that the bottom line for us humans are – when life happens-tragedies struck- you have to decide what is RIGHT for YOU and/ or make a choice that YOU can live with. Why should I advice you – or anyone-to stay, when despite my personal knowledge/experience I can never fully understand what the act of unfaithfulness did- is doing’to YOU as a person, as a partner or as a spouse? For I will never fully understand what YOU will live and feel when/ because YOU have stayed. And why should I advice you to leave- separate or divorce- when I can never fully envision or imagine what it will cost YOU as a person, a partner, a parent or as a spouse to walk away from the investment – for marriage is an emotional investment if nothing else.
    3) Wrong is wrong and two wrongs do not make a right.
    Years ago a girlfriend of mine said this ” I will more readily forgive my partner/ spouse for slapping me than it ever will be for me to forgive unfaithfulness.” She went on to explain that she could kid herself into believing that the physical violence was a spur of the moment thing, whereas, she added, there was always an element of planning where unfaithfulness was concerned. Over the years I have come to agree with her about the second part of her statement.
    Unfortunately people change and not always for the better. In my opinion it is never as simple as- the one who throws -walk- away from their marriage, for whatever reason, after unfaithfulness is weak and the one who chooses to stay- for whatever reason- is strong. Or vice versa. I was not brought up to believe that unfaithfulness is a man’s right because he was created that way and I was not brought up to define myself in terms of my spouse. I was taught in my Church that God created man and woman for each other and that they should leave their parents’ houses to become ONE. I read in the bible that a man should love his wife as Christ loves His Church. (And I believe that this should be reciprocal)
    I have been separated for years and I am now standing on the threshold of divorce, It is not a decision that I take lightly, I stand on this threshold with my child’s best interest at heart AND of course, my own. I never grew up with both of my parents ( because of this some will say that I was pre-disposed to be a single parent) and throughout my late teens I swore that I would bend over backwards to make my marriage work so that my children would have the unique sense of belonging, confidence and love that one can have from a solid, honest, loving and respectful union. Yet it came to a point for me when I had to ask myself- what kind of legacy do you want to leave your child?- My answer was: I want this child to know, believe and trust that “Love stays, love protects and love provides on EVERY possible level. Long before things turned sour I used to tell people: “I married him not because he was the first or only man that proposed to me- No I married him because out of the rest I sincerely believed that he would be the one that would do everything in his power to make our marriage work.
    Once, years ago, when I had reached an impass, one of my sisters-in- law told me ” I do not think that he will change for you, the question is, can you learn to be happy in your marriage, regardless? Can you live with that knowledge?”.
    I remained silent as at that point I did not know the answer to that question.
    My spouse carries a different passport to mine, and couple of weeks later my father in law found the need to inform me that “You know dear, women here do not fuss if their spouse cheats! As long as the spouse is providing for them they get on with their lives”. I raised my eyes to this man’s whom I had come to love as my own father, paused and replied ” I am very sorry, I am not a pig (he was from a farming background) that you buy or acquire, put in a sty, regularly water and feed and then walk away. I refuse to allow him to treat me this way. He knew that before we got married, for this reason Iam walking away.”( And that was my answer to my sister-in- law’s earlier question.) I did walk away physically, but not emotionally.
    I honestly believe that no one gets married just so they could get divorced. My standards, values and principles are my own and I will be doing anyone a diservice if i were to tell them what to do or belittle THEIR choice. As a friend, as a fellow human being with all my imperfections, my duty is to pray for them and offer support where I can.
    Judge me if you can.

    • spicy

      May 14, 2015 at 7:19 am

      I am saving this comment somewhere Just so I can read it again and again. Thank you for being so articulate.

  20. lola Carey

    May 12, 2015 at 2:19 am

    Obroni…you are single.its obvious. When you marry and have children;if your husband cheats and u leave as you are claiming here, that is when I will believe.All what your saying now, I know many people who said more than that.

  21. ada

    May 12, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    Some comments tho! She put a disclaimer…..and stated that considering divorce is not the same thing as getting one. why so sensitive bikonu? Nice writeup

  22. Tunde

    May 14, 2015 at 12:42 am

    Hi, la viv. In my own opinion keeping ur marriage or getting a divorce is one’s personal choice. The parties involved know where it hurts. However, one thing I would certainly suggest is that happiness is key. Marriage ought to bring happiness soooo, if your partner continues to make you unhappy, then I will advise you get a divorce in order to be happy . Would you want to live the rest of your life unhappy? It gets to a stage that even the children know that their mum is never happy and therefore get to hate their dad. Marriage is for better or worse. This means if your partner is deficient or going through a hard time, stand by him or her; don’t leave. Not that if you are never happy, remain there. However, b4 considering a divorce, you must have given ur marriage all the shots to make it work. Please ensure you empty all ur options b4 going for a divorce.

  23. UzeeFlyness

    May 26, 2015 at 7:00 am

    Me i will ask what positions did they use…did u give him head…did u swallow…how many times did U swallow..how long did the sex last…was he better…who made the first move…she never start. By the time she is done answering, anyday she hears the word “cheat “,she will run faster than mtn credit…nonsense

  24. Gats to Be Strong!

    December 2, 2015 at 6:34 pm

    I’m a 1st hand Observer of My Parents’ marriage and guess what? I won’t hesitate to take punitive measures in My own way against the caricature of a Man that decides to ‘do an act of indiscretion’.
    Come to think of it,will I stay one more day under his roof if I’m caught in an ‘act of indiscretion’? If the answer is NO,which it is 99.9% of the time,then why should I tolerate his own?
    Anyway,I won’t move out of My Matrimonial home. No,I WON’T.
    Why? Because I was on My own and he came to read his ‘CV’ to Me,how he is the best of Men and why he should be My Man.
    Then after much consideration and ‘fight’ with other ‘Bobos’ for My affection,he ‘won’ (or rather I chose him).
    Then We got to know each other before tying the knots. And I let him know the things he will do that will release the ‘demons’ in Me!
    Then We stood before God and Witnesses and promised to ‘forsake all other Women & Men’ respectively & face Our lives.
    And then each day,I live with the consciousness of that vow,not that I’m the loose type (tho’ My body dey hot wella)!
    And I accomodate his weaknesses and try to be the best version of Myself,so that Our stay together will be as peaceful as can be.
    Then what does he do? He CHEATS?
    Now thats a DEAL BREAKER!
    Watching My Parents’ marriage, I decided that I wouldnt allow a Man poo on My head. My Mum was so kind and agreeable, almost an Angel. But guess what? My Dad treated her like shit!
    Even beat her almost ‘oyinbo’ body and abused her verbally continuously that even as kids,Our hearts bled!
    Only God knows if he cheated.
    Tho’ he molested Me when I was 8 years,but didn’t touch down there( Story for another day!). And i didn’t know the meaning of what he did till I came of age.
    Whenever he came home,the atmosphere got tense.
    He was (& still is) what could be referred to as an ‘acidic’ Man. And guess what,some of his traits dropped into Us (tho’ We are trying to work on it!)
    He never takes My Mum’s wise and kind counsels. And guess what? He squandered the family’s wealth.
    He now leaves the running of the home to My Mum.
    And they have been married for over 30 years. But yet no single regards for My Mum.
    So I made a decision NEVER to be so sweet to My husband.
    He will know I love him & I got his back.
    But tolerate Physical violence and Verbal abuse? Hell NO!
    And the day I discover that his dick which is meant to be My ‘exclusive’ possession has been used to stir a ‘gutter’ or ‘pit toilet’ in the name of ‘indiscretion’,I will withdraw his ‘exclusive right’ to My ‘garden’ too.
    Adultery breaks the bond of marriage. So that day,Our ‘marriage’ ends. In plain
    language,NO MORE SEX!
    But I will,I MUST continue to live in My matrimonial home!
    What will I do with ‘Konji’? I managed ‘Konji’ all those years before marriage, so it won’t be an uphill task.
    And there would be Legal backing to this decision!
    I no fit shout abeg!
    Let him continue skirt hopping,and die alone of his diseases/demons when the time comes!
    My body will not be a dumping ground for the debris from other Women’s bodies! It is My responsibility to look out for My well being, husband or no husband!
    I love being called ‘Mrs’ but I don’t value it more than My life & sanity!
    I wonder when most of these ‘married’ Women will let their husbands know there are UNACCEPTABLE behaviours in marriage!
    I just wish My Mum hadn’t been so sweet. Maybe My Father would have known his boundaries!

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