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Tobi Atte: When Your Ex Gets Married …Before you

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No matter who you are…no matter how the relationship ended, whether they were bad for you or good for you…doesn’t matter. Your Ex getting married before you can cause a major knot in your stomach.

Some cases are better than others…like when YOU did the breaking up with them and are in a thriving relationship. Usually though, it’s not a good place for at least a moment …or ten.

At times like this, questions can flood your mind like: Everyone says I’m great… If I am so great, why didn’t he/she marry me? What does that new person have that I didn’t have or couldn’t get?

On and on those questions flood in.

You may be quick to assume that these negative feelings or knots in stomachs occur when there are lingering feelings for that Ex…but that is not always true. Sure, that knot can come because of lingering feelings but mostly, it comes because of our self-evaluation. It comes because of how it makes us see ourselves.

We get into a funk. The funk is not kind…and the voices in our head are sometimes not kind either. If that ever happens to you, someone you know or if actually has happened to you, remember:

Their Success in Choosing Someone Doesn’t Equate Your Failure In Choosing or Being Chosen By Someone
The relationship …not YOU …failed. It takes two to tango. Sure, you may have contributed to the demise of the relationship, but even the worst of us brings good things to relationships when we voluntarily enter those relationships.

Even though the relationship ended, there were good things you both brought to the table at some point….so when it fails, know that the relationship didn’t fail simply because YOU didn’t work.  It was the combination of you two that didn’t work. There is a huge difference.

Don’t Go Out of Your Way to Numb the Feeling
You know…going on that shopping spree or being somewhat outrageous in any way…over doing anything, throwing caution to the wind and being excessive in any way. Sure…for the moment, it may make you feel better. But once you “come to”, you’ll be angry with yourself …angry that your Ex moving on got you so upset that you …(whatever you did) and then that in itself will make you even more depressed and/or upset.

God Doesn’t Rob Peter to Pay Paul
You may have heard me say this before but it is worth repeating. Especially as a Christian, God doesn’t say “Look, I had this guy or girl for you but I think someone is better than you and I’m going to give him/her to them and errr find you some kind of replacement later”. No. What is yours in God’s eyes cant be taken away from you by someone else. If HE took that person away, he probably has a good reason for it. You know how I know? ….Because God doesn’t love that person more than you. I know its easier said than felt but it is true.

Don’t Go Out of Your Way to Prove Anything to Anyone
Like…throwing a party so people can see you are the man, wearing your latest risqué outfit so that people (and perhaps he) can see what he is missing. Or rushing into a relationship to show that you are moving forward and doing well without them. You don’t need to prove anything to anyone. The relationship didn’t work. Unfortunate …but not life ending.

Talk to Someone
Literally. Talk to someone you trust and express how you are feeling. In other words, LET IT OUT of your system. Don’t bottle it in. Find someone you trust, who is a a good listener, and tell them literally how you are feeling. Fully express it to them, and then tell them what you would LIKE to feel  and let them help you figure out ways to feel them. Let the people who care about you help you through that moment. Let them encourage you and be there for you. That’s what they are there for… so let them play their role. The voices in your head might just need the good competition for your attention. They those that care about your provide that competition.

Pray For Them
There is soooo much healing in prayer…especially when you are able to say words of prayer into a situation that is causing you some pain.  Praying for the Ex who is moving forward or getting married is a major seed you are sowing. It not only helps you release them, but in fact, hearing yourself say those prayers for them will make you feel like the bigger person…that you are mature and that you are strong….and those are exactly the feelings you need the most at a time like this.

Respect Them in Their Transition
Especially in wedding situations. Don’t try to prove to yourself and all your friends that you are over them and you’re cool …by showing up to their wedding (especially if it was a very public relationship and /or breakup AND you were not invited) and causing a whole bunch of awkward moments.

You might be thinking “Not going will make it look like I am bitter” but again it all depends. Were you invited? What it a nasty breakup? Are there a lot of mutual friends around? Are you actually friends right now? (if you don’t have a good/healthy platonic relationship since your breakup, why are you even considering attending the wedding?)

Find Someone to be Good to Right Away
When an Ex is getting married or is moving on to another relationship, one of the gut feelings that can come on us is the feeling that we are not good enough. It can make a major withdrawal from our self-value bank account. One of the fastest ways to fill it back up is to put someone else in the position to look at us with value, and one of the ways to put someone in that spot is to be good to them. So find someone you can be good to. Like REALLY good to. Someone in need…preferably someone random…and watch how the words they speak into your life and the way they look at you begins to re-fill your self-value bank account.

Don’t just sulk. LEARN
If you don’t sit down and learn from that break up, it will just be another failed relationship. One of the positive ways to deal with breakups …is to be INTENTIONAL about learning and growing from that past relationship. When we intentionally seek out positive value from anything that causes pain, we reduce the impact of that pain. What POSITIVE things did you learn from that relationship about friendship, love, life, yourself? If you haven’t already, you should read: 5 LESSONS THAT YOUR FAILED RELATIONSHIPS CAN TEACH YOU ABOUT YOURSELF AND LIFE

If you truly seek to learn from that relationship, your next relationship(s) will be better for it…and that’s a really good thing

I know it can be tough but your value is not reduced simply because the combination of you and someone else did not work.

Be well.

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Ron Chapple

Tobi Atte is the author of (The FREE ebook) HOW TO ENSURE YOUR VALUES ARE ALIGNED-A GUIDE TO AVOIDING RELATIONSHIP FRUSTRATION (click to get a free copy) and  the writer behind  – For more on relationships, motivation, personal improvement and more, visit the website. Be careful though… You might get addicted. Also Like the IJUSTMETME facebook page, Subscribe on YouTube and Follow on Twitter He is also the President of The OTaB Group (a consulting firm) and Barnabian’s Cove Inc (A nonprofit organization) Read.Love.Share

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