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Chiugo Akaolisa: Fight the Good Fight

Chiugo Akaolisa

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I am a classic avoider which means I run away from all forms of futile arguments that can lead to fights. When I can’t help it, I try my best to avoid low-blows. I have seen the damage it does to people’s morale so I’m not a fan of it. I am also not a fan of keeping people who do it around me, it may be infectious. Who knows?

That being said, I have heard that there is nothing more exhilarating (short term) than winning a futile argument. You know, that amazing feeling when you get the last word in and the person you are arguing with slowly backs away, succumbs to your line of reasoning or even apologizes.

People who love to fight live for this feeling and most stop at nothing to achieve this.

This is usually fair when the person you are arguing with is clearly wrong and willing to admit it but where problems usually develop is when there is a moral grey area; that awkward spot where both parties have a valid point. No one wants to surrender: no victor, no vanquished.

When this type of situation presents itself, the devil creeps in and advises you to bring out your loaded gun and aim for all the weak points and past mistakes of your nemesis, with the hope of making your point and declaring victory. You wait for that perfect moment to let out all you have been holding in and usually it cannot be taken back.

Stop! Don’t do it!

This is the number one killer of most relationships and friendships.

Dirty fighting is when couples or friends argue with hostility and contempt enough to intentionally humiliate and hurt their opponent. Once relationships enter that dreaded zone, it is hard to recover the purity of love once felt.

Fighting dirty may bring about temporary feelings of success and euphoria but long term, it is extremely destructive and unhealthy, especially for people in relationships who claim to love themselves. If you love the person you are with, what is the benefit of seeing the person get hurt in the aim of winning a fight? I mean, how do you expect someone you just called a “worthless good-for-nothing” in the last argument feel when the peace has been restored? A million compliments will be traded for that one hard-to-forget insult.

The most hilarious is when lovers or friends bring their misunderstandings out to social media, letting absolute strangers weigh in on a fight that would have been better sorted by taking the moral high ground and calmly talking out their differences.

Let’s get one thing straight: Everyone fights. Even the best relationships have gone through their fair share of squabbles. Its how you fight that decides everything. Anger is a natural reaction to an upsetting situation but humiliating words and flying fists don’t have to accompany it. Take a step back and only return when you are calm, even when you think you are right. This is an important trick most women need to learn. You never want to be seen as a warrior (I had to learn it too).

It is important to fight fair and resolve conflicts amicably. Whenever you sense an argument brewing, put away all the verbally abusive words and employ constructive reasoning. Walk away if you don’t trust yourself to keep calm and please, for the love of God, keep it away from social media! It never helps.

“Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

Goodluck!

Photo Credit: Dreamstime | Daniel Raustadt

Chiugo Veronica Akaolisa is a graduate from the University of Alberta, Canada. She is a God-lover and a recluse. Her every spare time is spent writing and developing her business. She is an entrepreneur and a budding novelist. Her true passion is Poetry and Relationship Tips. She has a minor in Psychology.Twitter: Verachi | Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cakaolisa | Instagram: missverachi |

14 Comments

  1. Unique

    July 27, 2015 at 6:33 pm

    wow! nice write up.
    Only the weak, the one with inferiority complex and low self esteem believes happiness exist out of him/herself and try to get it no matter whose ox is gored.

    i usually avoid fights even when im provoked, i either walk away or surrender. its not a weakness, its a strenght because im not giving the other person the power to direct and influence my emotion and reaction. after the bouhaha has died down.
    there is no need giving urself hbp because one persons offends you and you have to retaliate one way or the other. Life is too precious and adventurous to let other determines how you feel, react or responds to issues. and you dont need to spit out others secrets and bad side to feel better. Mayb thats why im still friend with all my exes even those that are married.

    one philosophy that has worked over the years is the Advance Forgiveness Mechanism: forgivin others before they offend you. it put you in control of situation rather the opposite

    *if someone brought a basket full of snakes to you, will u accept it or reject it?* i guess you will reject it
    provocations of any kinds is that snakes, when you give it attention, it will determines your direction.

  2. Kafui

    July 27, 2015 at 6:48 pm

    Nicely written article….thank u,Veronica….it brings to mind the Yvonne Nelson and John Dumelo ”twitter fight” (it could’ve bn an orchestrated act tho…it’s SHOW-BUSINESS)…..most ppl fail to understand that their friends won’t always agree with them…some ppl evn tag their friends as haters and that’s where the name-calling begins…worst-case is wen the parties involved are ladies..she will proceed to tell the whole world about your ‘sexcapades’ and the many cover-ups that were done for you…..hmmm

  3. A Real Nigerian

    July 27, 2015 at 7:05 pm

    No. This is not the number 1 killer of most relationships.
    Nice way of trying to sell your article.

  4. @edDREAMZ

    July 27, 2015 at 7:14 pm

    a.k.a EDWIN CHINEDU AZUBUKO said..
    .
    I dont argue at all and i always use this line if yu want to start an arguement with me. “”Hold ur own make i hold my own”” lolx.. Nobi by force to accept ur idea abeg..
    .
    .
    ***CURRENTLY IN JUPITER***

  5. Loveaddict

    July 27, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Nice write-up as always. “Walk away if you don’t trust yourself to keep calm and please, for the love of God, keep it away from social media! It never helps”- That has to be my fav part.

  6. Sharon

    July 27, 2015 at 7:38 pm

    always enjoy your articles … Real talk ??

  7. Unique

    July 27, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    only those who are insecure, with low self esteem has the mentality of bring him down sydrome to feel good.

    if someone offends you which is bound to occur every now and then, there is no reason to retort to fistcuff to sort matter out.
    what you dont know is that the person who offend you is creating a mechanism to control you.

    I have seen where bosses deliberately provoke their subordinate to obtain a certain reaction from them,

    instead of being given to reacting to every offense and grudges with fistcuff or throwing shades, let learn the Advance Forgiveness Method: that is forgiving people ahead before they offend you.

    Fighting is a lame way to solve problem, its not really about the offense but it reveal who you really are. Be in charge of your emotion and reaction imstead of the other way round

    Nevertheless we shouldn’t take people for granted what people say when they are angry, thats is the only time they are saying the truth

    Btw BN pls kindly post my comments, the rate at which my comments are dissapearing is not encouraging tho.

  8. P

    July 28, 2015 at 6:07 am

    Nice write up and insightfully
    My own exp tot me. The need to correct one I not mine. I have to have faith in who I am and that God will correct the person. The need to prove one wrong , not my own i have to have faith in who I am in Christ and my accusers will be exposed.
    Walk away from futile or stay silent. During those times note what they say out of abundance of heart mouth speaketh. I forgive but the lesson has been learned. People wear mask.

  9. Tolulope

    July 28, 2015 at 7:50 am

    “Once relationships enter that dreaded zone, it is hard to recover the purity of love once felt.”
    I totally agree with this! I hate confrontation so much, so much. I would rather keep quiet and forgive than confront you about, and if it is something i cannot forgive without talking about it, i’ll let you know.

    A friend hurt me few weeks ago with her words cos she was trying to prove she was right; it only made me to see her for whom she really is – not my friend. But like Chiugo said, once those words were said, the love became forgotten.

    Nice article!

  10. A WOMAN OF PEACE

    July 28, 2015 at 10:54 am

    I’ve read and commented on so many articles on BN but I must say this is my favourite one so far. For once an article that preaches love and not hate, not jealousy, has nothing to do with sex or relationships. THANKS FOR THIS WRITE UP CHIUGO!!!

    This happened to me a week ago where people I have loved and considered as my blood turned against me, saying all sort of things my ears couldn’t believe and calling me names I would have never imagined coming out of their mouth. it came to a point I was told I was going to be beaten. But I kept my calm, said the little kind words I could get out, but I tried with all the strength in me to hold my peace… it hurt so much I busted into tears and went home. But this situation only made me realised that I wasn’t loved in return, it opened my eyes to a lot of things I had refused to see. Even though I have forgiven them, I refuse to forget because I’ve been shown what life is made of and I have learnt. I have chosen to keep my distance…. THERE IS A KIND OF GRACE THAT COMES OUT OF A CALM WOMAN, IT SHOWS YOU ARE WELL BROUGHT UP, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, YOU HAVE STRENGTH AND WISDOM. AND TRUST ME YOU ARE NOT STUPID, YOUR OPPONENT THAT WISHES TO “BEAT YOU DOWN” WISHES SHE HAS THESE QUALITIES TOO

  11. red

    July 28, 2015 at 1:21 pm

    i’m very confrontational,i its taking me a lot to learn to make those confrontations peaceful. i usually don’t like carrying things in my mind overnight so ill confront the situation and in confronting many bad words will be spoken and more bitterness and hatred, i was always saying “at least i confronted you” not understanding that there are different levels to confrontations, i never could pass it across to the other party(ies) that i was trying to sort the issue out.
    lol..ive had to learn it the proper way so i think i’m at a good place now.

  12. Ejury

    July 28, 2015 at 2:58 pm

    i hate the hell out of girls who like to quarrel and nag and insult with personal things. I’ve been dating a girl for three years but I’m afraid of the next step bcos of her bad mouth. Her mother is like that too.

    • simply leave her

      July 28, 2015 at 3:55 pm

      simply leave her and tell her why

    • red

      July 28, 2015 at 4:52 pm

      you guys should talk to relationship coaches before u go ahead, let her see her ways, if she dsnt……..well, can u cope?her mother is like that shdnt even be an excuse for her at all

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